#150: Don't Make It About You: 3 Lessons

So someone I really care about was hurt a couple weeks ago, and I talked to them on the phone and we had a good conversation. It was positive, but I wanted to spend more time with them because they were hurting and they wanted more space. But I got angry inside. I didn't react that way. In fact, I was able in that moment to. Instead of getting angry and lashing out, I called a friend and I processed it. And I realized, you know, I was making

it about me. That was what was driving my anger when it was really about them. I thought about doing a podcast on this topic, and that's what I'm going to do today. It's about don't make it about yourself. Three lessons. This is the Decide youe Legacy podcast. This is episode number

150, big one here. So I've been doing this for over four years, and by the end of this podcast, you're going to be inspired to stay calm in situations where you are potentially making it about yourself and not, and then learn how to lean in and give other people what they need in that situation. You'll have ideas on how you can interact with people, physical people, and conversation, and ideas on how you can respond to emails, not making it

about yourself, making it about them. So I'm Adam Gragg. I've been a family therapist and legacy Coach for over 25 years. I founded Decide youe Legacy in 2012. We're a corporate development and legacy coaching firm. Our purpose is to empower every person and organization to live with courage. So, as I do in every episode, I want to start talking about an uncomfortable action that I took

recently. Real one that I took. And because nothing is more important to your mental health than living courageously, nothing's more damaging than just playing it safe. So what I did is in that specific situation, I didn't lash out. I wanted to. I wanted to express my hurt. You should want to talk to me. You should want to spend time with me. Instead. Instead, I stayed calm and I called my buddy. And then I realized, ate some humble pie. I realized that I can do

that in a lot of interactions. When I feel anger, it's because I'm making it about my feelings and not about what the other person is actually going through. So here's the action I want you to start with. How do you make it about yourself when it's actually about the other person? Is it with your kids? Is it when someone tells you no? Is it when things don't actually go your way? You. You're focusing on you and you're in this moment, maybe in this podcast, you're having to actually do some soul

searching and eat some humble pie yourself. You'll realize in situations where it was derailed because you took it personally, it was your hurt when it was really about somebody else. So when someone mistreats you and, or when somebody's sad, when somebody's angry, do you want to fix it? I do. A lot of times, if you're anything like me, you're in situations where you're compelled, at least you feel compelled to go ahead and jump in and you're focused on how you feel

and not how the other person is feeling. So you're going to learn about emotional health, emotional intelligence today and learn how to not make it about you and realize it's not about you. Okay? So these three lessons

you're going to learn today and you're going to see and I can see that I can get very selfish. And when I do that, when I take it personally, I'm giving my power away to that situation. I'm reacting, I'm getting in the gutter, I'm hitting bowling a gutter ball and it's not doing me any good. When I realize it's not about me, then I take back that power and I have much more ability to stay calm and to actually ask questions and be curious. So the very first lesson is that it's actually

about them. It's about them. Have you had people in your life who listen to you? It's powerful when they make it about you. I have had people in my life that way. My grandfather was one of them. He would listen and he would not give me direct feedback until he understood. It's about what the other person is going through, what they have experienced. One thing to keep in mind is paying attention to other people's lives

is a secret to success. It's actually far, far better to be interested in other people than to be interesting to other people. When you listen, you grow. When you learn, you grow. I can think of times where I'm going to speak or do a podcast and when I make it about myself, I'm trying to share impressive stories. I'm trying to be funny. I'm try, try, try. It's all about me. It's all about how they react to me. Do they like my social media posts? Do they react

to me the way I want them to react to me? It's selfish and self focused, but that's actually incredibly draining. I find that when I make it about and I realize it's about them. I enjoy the interaction much better. I enjoy speaking at a much higher level. I still have to be prepared and do my own job to get ready and show up and rehearse. But it's more fun because I know it's actually about them and helping them in whatever situation they're going through.

You can practice doing kind things to other people without actually being found out. That's a way to not make it about yourself. It takes the even the opportunity to make it about yourself, away from the situation. It's tempting to want recognition. I get it. I get it. But you won't be offended if they don't give you recognition because you didn't do it for that reason in the first place. You can practice that. And when you start realizing that it's about

them, you gain understanding. You listen, you learn, and then you start making progress. You start growing. And that's the second lesson. The second lesson that I've learned by eating some humble pie is that it's not only is it about them, it's about growth. This situation is about growth. The

more I contribute to other people's lives, the better my life gets. And if I intentionally move the emphasis away from what's in it for me to what's in it for them and remember this backdrop of I'm actually going to be able to grow through this, then it changes the whole dynamic of the interaction. I bet you can relate to this. You have people in your life who tend to bait you. Maybe they do it intentionally, maybe they don't do it intentionally, but they do it consistently. And you

can either take the bait or not take the bait. But, you know, a lot of these interactions with people that you care about or that you're close to, or people that maybe you don't even actually like, or you're distant with, but they continually do things, and you know you're going to step into that situation where they're going to bait you. Well, when you realize that it's actually about growth, then you're also going to realize that this is a

chance for you to grow. And how you react to this situation is a chance for you to grow. Now you can lash out, which I think of the word reaction as being negative. There's a very small space between that thing that irritates me, the bait, and then what I actually do, my action. There's a small space because I'm not intentionally choosing to make the space bigger by knowing what I'm actually dealing with. A response is where there's actually a big space,

and you're doing things to increase that space. You have actions that, you know, work. Being prepared could be one of them. Journaling could be one of them. Breathing can be one of them. But it gives you the ability to make an intentional versus an unintentional reaction in small space. An intentional reaction is what we're talking about here. When you realize it's about growth, you're going to be able to intentionally react and not lash out and not internalize and release it.

And remember that they're trying to bait you. Not even knowing it, they're trying to bait you. And you don't have to actually get consumed by it. So rather than getting consumed by it, you can be grateful for it because it's an opportunity for you to realize that you can handle these difficult situations. Politicians who I find that are successful, they can learn to do this. They remember it's about growth, and they can stay on

the growth path. So that whiteboard I talked about in two episodes ago that I show clients, as I put in the very top right corner, ideal, and this is their ideal growth in their life. How do you want your life to be in a year? How do you want your relationship to be in a year? How do you want your health to be in a year? And then on the bottom, I put word today, and I draw a squiggly line from today to

that ideal. And if you stay on the line, above the line, growing, then you're going to be making progress. Below the line is the drama that you can get consumed in when you make it about you. You're getting consumed into the drama. When you realize it's about them and what they're going through. You're not going to be consumed by the drama. You're staying above the line and you're making progress.

I had a situation on Easter where I wanted some family to do things that I wanted to do, to engage in activities that I wanted to engage in. In fact, to have a meal at a time when I wanted to have the meal and my schedule I had arranged in a certain way. And it didn't happen the way I wanted it. I was making it about myself. I wasn't taking into consideration them in that situation. And I got pretty discouraged by it. I got pretty down

about it. But I was making it about me, not growth. It was not about me, it was about them. And it was an opportunity for me to grow, to realize I can listen and try to understand where they're coming from and not react and step back and talk to friends and do things that were healthy to help me have an intentional response. And a big part of this lesson of realizing it's about growth is also realizing that it's going to grow your relationships

when you don't make it about yourself. And that's the third lesson, is it's not about me, it's about them. And it's about connection. It's about growth. It's about connection. So you can resolve that in any interaction. And I mean any interaction you can resolve, which means you're committing, you're deciding that the other person is going to leave that interaction actually feeling encouraged, feeling better about

themselves than when that conversation had actually started. When you realize that it's about them, you can realize it's also about connection with them. And you can make it your goal to lead the conversation in a way where it's directed at helping them to feel better, to achieve some goal, to make progress and not get consumed in the drama. You have the ability to do that. That's a great lesson.

It's also very empowering. So when people are struggling and they're emotional and they're even critical of you and they're mean, you can see it as actually as an opportunity, not an obstacle. You can show empathy for what other people are going through. I grew up in a situation where I didn't always feel seen and heard. It's partly being a middle child, partly having a younger brother who's four and a half years younger, partly my personality, partly what I had gone through. And I would perform

athletically. I would even brag about myself. I would do things to get attention. I would do all kinds of things. Some of them were actually positive. But if I realize now and think back that I still have that tendency to want to impress, then I have more space from it and I'm not consumed by it. It's helpful. And then I realize that that insecurity and anxiety isn't going to lead me towards better relationships. So I can calm myself. I can handle it in a much more appropriate way.

Another example, and I bet you can relate to this at some level, is socially, that if I am afraid of somebody, if I'm trying to control the outcome. So let's say that I'm trying in a business meeting to impress people or impress a client. I want it to go in a certain way. I can be a good leader trying to make sure it's centered on them and getting information and understanding, or I can make it centered on me and channel the conversation into what I can get out of the conversation. And then

I'm hypersensitive. I become very calculated in my interacting with them because I don't want it to get. I don't want to get it to go bad. I want them to leave inspired. So there's a. There's a balance between that. If you're in your heart with a heart of peace, you're making it about connecting with them and growing the relationship. Then you're going to be able to let go of that and even point out things that they

don't necessarily want to hear, but build the relationship. You're honest with them about stuff that you see, which is what a good friend does in a kind way, with a heart of peace. It's a skill you build, but you have this inclination that this is a healthy. Not a spontaneous reaction, but it's a healthy. You're inspired within to share something that you believe could be helpful with them. And it may be hard to hear, but you're challenging them. That's a courageous action.

It's not calculated because you didn't prepare for it. It just came to you in the moment. That's what builds relationships. It's not driven by anxiety, it's driven by courage. Courage is the antidote to anxiety. And the more you're courageous, the more you draw other courageous people to you. The more you're anxious, the more anxiety is contagious and you draw. You create anxious situations with people because you're trying to control. So sometimes when I try to plan

things with friends and family, I can get controlling, and I don't want to experience the resistance that other people have. When I realize it's about growth and it's about connection, then even if they say no, I'm willing to still engage. I'm willing to still do the thing that can connect people, invite people, plan things. Because that's playing the long game. When you realize it's about growth, you're able to step back from

it and play the long game. In your relationships, in your career and the decisions you make because you make hard decisions, you'll address things that you're potentially avoiding. You'll face stuff. And instead of being grouchy when people don't want to do what you want to do, you're going to stay calm, inspired, and stay the course, remembering that it's not about you, it's all about them and their fear in that situation. Then you stay out of the drama and you stay moving towards the progress.

So you have three Lessons to learn. It's not about you, it's not about me, it's about them. That's lesson number one. It's about growth. That's lesson number two. It's about relationships. That's lesson number three. So what's one specific piece of insight that you gained from today in this episode, episode number 150 that you can apply by the end of the day? Do something with that insight. That's how it sticks. Teach it to somebody else. And if you found this helpful, check out

Shatterproof. Seven small steps to a Giant leap in Mental health. In your mental health. These are actions and whiteboards and content I've used with clients for over 25 years, thousands of clients. Stuff that will help you, you go through this self paced course. Check it out. Hit the link below as well. So insight which you hopefully, which I know if you were listening, you gained today, that's just 20% of change.

Action is 80%. A good plan that you act on is a hundred times better than a perfect plan that you sit on and perfectionate about. There's no positive change until you decide to change. Decide today because your legacy depends on it. And to decide means that you're eliminating other options. Your legacy is the impact that

your life has on other people. So do me a Favor, episode number 150. Share this episode with a friend, letting him know what was helpful to you specifically, that's a vulnerable thing. It helped me in this way because I can make it about me. Check it out so and give it a rating and review on Apple or Spotify. That really helps it to grow organically, to help and reach more people. So I want to go ahead and close the way I always do. Live the life today that you want to be remembered for 10 years

after you're gone. You decide your legacy, nobody else. And either you will decide your legacy or by default, fear is going to decide it for you. Live courageously. I appreciate you greatly and I'll see you next time.