#147: Mastering the Art of Blocking Out Negative Noise

My parents can say something that generally always triggers me, and it's usually after I share something with them or stand up to some issue or whatever, and they say something to the effect of, like, after all the things we've done for you, you know, like. And they basically, what they're saying is, like, it's a dig. You know, I'm not grateful, I'm not appreciate them or whatever. And it's easy to get sucked into that. I can

take the bait. And I actually did over spring break a couple weeks ago. I took the bait, I got defensive, I defended myself, and it didn't go well. And so I listened to that noise, the defensiveness that I felt, and I acted on it when I didn't need to. So. Welcome to the Decide youe Legacy podcast. Today we're talking about blocking out the noise because it's costly to listen to it

and do an act based on it. So if you would do me a favor, subscribe, give this podcast a rating, and review the Decide youe Legacy podcast on Apple or Spotify. That helps it to grow organically, to help and reach more people. I'm Adam Gregg. I have been a family therapist and a Coach for over 25 years. I founded Decide youe Legacy in 2012. We're a coaching and corporate development firm, and our purpose is to empower every person and

organization to live courageously. By the end of this podcast, I can pretty much guarantee that you're going to recognize the noise that goes on inside and you're going to figure out how important it is and be inspired to know how important it is to block it out. Don't take orders from it. Do something to replace it. Step back from it. So, as I do always, I want to start by sharing with you something uncomfortable that I did recently. And I do this because nothing's more important to your

mental health than living courageously. What I did is I went to a disco 70s birthday party, and I remember getting the invite and thinking, I'm not gonna go to that. And then it came closer to the event and I said to myself, I had thoughts like, you know, you're not gonna know anybody there. You barely know this guy's wife. It's. You're gonna look silly. You know, it's gonna be a horrible time. And then something started to shift, and it was like, no, this could be fun. You know, let's go

have a good time, meet new people. And you love dressing up. You were born in the seventies, Adam. Come on. You love that stuff. So I went Had a good time. It was a lot of fun, you know, but that noise was chiming in, keeping me from wanting to go and engage this event, you know, can you relate to that? When you start having these thoughts and they're just not helping you, they're discouraging and then you act on them and then some

bad stuff can happen. So I want you to start with an action yourself. So whatever your middle name is. My middle name is Christopher. So if your middle name is Guido, you know, or if it's Enrique or if it's, you know, Monique or what, I don't care what it is. I want you with your. Well, you don't have to close your eyes if you're driving, especially don't do that. But in your mind, I want you to say, my middle name is. Okay, so whatever it is. So for me it's. My

middle name is Christopher. Go ahead and say that in your mind. Can you hear it? Okay, so you can hear it. I'm sure you know, you have this thing inside that, that chimes up and you can listen to it or you can not listen to it. So I bet you could hear that middle name in your head right there. So Ben is one of my closest friends. So he texts me usually a couple times a week saying, adam, block out the noise. And it's because I talked to Ben about

all kinds of stuff. He knows the struggles I have, I know the struggle he has. And what is he referring to there? So. Well, there's different names for it. The ego, the psyche. The. The inner roommate is one from. Thanks to Michael Singer. I love that. I like to think about it that way as well. But it's noise, it's chatter. And what it does, it's your thinking process, analyzing the world and then giving its opinion. It has preferences. I like him, I don't like him, I

like her. That guy's annoying. He's going to be a great friend. We're going to have a great time. We're not going to have a great time. And so it's interpreting things for you and it's actually a way for you to, for you to get by in life. You know, it's a, it's a safety mechanism. The problem is, is that a lot of stuff that it tells you is misdirected. It's just these, these spontaneous thoughts. It's not controlled thinking, it's spontaneous thinking. And it's often

fear based. And if you listen to everything it says, you know, if you say, yes, I'm going to do what it says, you know, then you're probably going to have a lot of challenges in life. You know, you may, you may end up going through a number of different marriages and then you may also lose a lot of jobs. Probably probably hurt another, probably hurt your health, probably doing of damage to other people as well. So what's the difference between the

noise and then constructive thinking? So one is spontaneous, it's intrusive, the other one is channeled. So you're reading a book that can be constructive thinking, you're focusing on that material. The issue is to recognize when it's the noise and when I'm channeling it into something productive. And you're going to learn how important that is today because it's going to change your life. If you recognize and you realize that this is like a daily battle to not get sucked into

this stuff. So the first way that it's costly, not blocking out the noise, is it leads you to the gutter, okay? It only can bring you down. It's gonna give you a sense of short term relief, but not long term change, not long term relief, in fact, more long term pain. So my operations director, the operations director at Decide youe Legacy, Lloyd is a great bowler. And I have another friend who's also a good bowler. His name is Kendall. Both of

them have bowled perfect games. So one of them bowled in college, the other one bowled in high school and they've both been, they're excellent bowlers. So when you bowl, which I'm not a good bowler, I'm not claiming to be, but once the ball's in the gutter, you have no chance of knocking down any pins. So it's pretty much all over once the ball enters the gutter. It's a gutter ball, okay, so we don't want those things. But when you listen to the noise, you end

up in the gutter. Nothing good happens. So it's an automatic gutterball. It leads to anxiety, it leads to depression, it leads to a sense of failure, it leads to a sense of purposelessness, it leads to more problems. Who knows how far down you can go? Let me give you a great example of this. My mom recently said that she's going to go see a psychologist to deal with her fear of flying. Now my daughter graduates from high school in a week, six weeks. And my mom is not comfortable

flying right now and going. But then she told me, because she wants to go on this vacation this summer and bring her family, bring me and everything, she wants to go to a psychologist and deal with this issue. And so the noise chimed in and wanted me to make a dig. When I found this out yesterday, I said. I wanted to say, well, are you gonna go to Bella's graduation next year? Now you're gonna miss Emerson's. But, no, I didn't do that. Cause, I don't know, maybe she'll end up going.

I mean, this is great news. But I was listening to the noise, which made me defensive and hurt. It led to me wanting to react, and it would have been a destructive conversation. Instead, I listened to her. I congratulated her, and hopefully it came out with the right heart. I feel like it had a better heart, but I was kind of pissed inside. I'm like, what the F. You know, you're valuing this trip, vacation more than your own time with

your whatever, celebrating this event. But I know that's noise. It wasn't true. It wasn't the reality. I know she legitimately has this fear. It was my own

interpretation of it, and I'm glad I didn't react to it. So some of my friends can help me magnify the noise, lead me to the gutter based on their own interpretations of the world. So I have friends who I know if I talk to them about parenting issues, potentially, they're going to make it worse because they're going to agree with my reaction and my overreaction, and then they're probably going to feed it. And I have other friends who, if I have parenting challenges, I can go talk to, and they're

going to listen and be very rational. And so some of the ones that have this irrational response and that magnify the noise, well, they also have similar situations with their kids. And so they're also triggering, so they're adding to it. So be very careful in who you actually vent to or talk to about this stuff that's bothering you, because they can magnify the noise. You know, I know that I can lose a whole evening, I can lose a whole day. I've lost weeks, I've lost months of my life

because I've listened to the noise and acted on it. And I've gone into the gutter, and I've gone down even further because it's been consuming of me and my view of myself and my view of the world. Not a productive, positive thing. You know, I've spent a lot of time. I've wasted a lot of time in that place. And I'm sure you can relate as well. I can imagine you can relate as well. So the second cost Very costly when it comes to not blocking out the noise is that it keeps you from your vision.

So you ever felt like, you know, in those times where you get sucked into that voice in your head and you listen to it and obey, then it's almost like, I don't know. I didn't make any progress towards any goal in my job. I didn't make any progress in any personal goal. You know, what happened to the day? I've just spent all this time thinking and ruminating and, you know, going over that conversation that I had

when I lashed out or when I didn't handle it appropriately. And then all of a sudden your day's gone and you haven't made any progress. Sometimes I show clients this line on a whiteboard, and it's. I mean, I've shown this to people many, many times. And so what it is, is on. On a whiteboard, you have a path. So it's like a wiggly arrow. And I draw. I draw an arrow at the end of this. Of this path. It's an. It's a curved arrow. So imagine that in your mind, but it looks like a

path, okay? And then at the very end of that, it's the outcome that they want. So they want better health and relationships, and they want to reach their goal. Maybe they want to lose weight. They want to get somewhere. They don't want to worry. And then I'll ask them, well, well, what would be true over the next 90 days or a year or whatever for you to actually get to that place? And they'll share some things, and I'll write that above the line. It could be that they. They have

healthier. You know, they spend time with certain people in their life that they block out time to work on their goals. You know, that they just choose to engage people in a different way. And then underneath that, I'll. I'll write down what is the. What is the noise? You know, like, what's going to keep you from that? And almost always what it is is content that they start to fixate on and they start to ruminate on. So they get pulled into drama. They get pulled into people not fitting their

preferences. You know, I don't look my boss. They fit into blaming and looking at other people negatively. And that's all the content that's actually, as you can see in a visual, it's gonna keep you on the process of getting to where you wanna go. So you had a bad situation at work, and then you fixate on that, and then that, because you're listening to all the noise about that issue or whatever that deal was, that client that didn't go as well or whatever, and then all that energy is

keeping you from actually making progress. You're not using it as fuel. It' it's you. You're using it as a detriment to your progress. The process is. Is the way that you reach your vision. So when I've done, and I think I probably like hiking because of this, because you can sort of picture the end of the hike, and then along the way, you know, you're going to have challenges. That's all content, that's all noise. You fix the problems, you

still got to deal with them. You know, you run out of water, you still got to figure out how to get some water. You might be like me where I've begged for water on hikes before as a teenager because I didn't pack enough. But you still have to fix the problem. You know, if there's thunderstorms, you got to find some cover or. But then you keep moving forward, I mean, unless there's some extraneous circumstance. And that that vision

of the end is what's going to keep you going. So here's an example of what I mean here. There's potentially people worry about the economy, and they have this goal in mind of, you know, having a certain amount of money in savings and retiring, and so things don't go as well, or maybe the market dips or anything. And in their mind, the noise is like, it's all bad. It's catastrophic. You know, I'm going to lose my retirement,

I'm gonna lose my job, the economy's gonna shut down. And it's important to recognize that you don. I mean, unless you're an economist and you've really did some productive thinking to come up to your own conclusion on that. A lot of the noise comes from media and your friends and society. And if you block it out, you're going to think a lot clearer. If you block it out, you're going to stay moving towards that goal of retirement, even though it's not going as well right now. That's the power

of a vision. That's the power of pursuing goals. Because you keep your eye on the end game. You're playing the long game, not the short game. The noise is very consumed by the short game, the here and now. Because other people, if they're clear from the noise, they can look at things that we may perceive as problems or the noise is telling us as problems, and then it's actually an opportunity. It's an opportunity to make some adjustments in your

life, to pursue different goals in a different way. But you miss it because the noise is pulling you away from that vision. You know, it's super powerful to clarify a vision for that reason too. But the noise is going to get in the way and be prepared for it. You want to make it a priority. It's serious business to focus on how we, how do we

block this crap out of our lives. So, and then we do it oftentimes destructively because addictive type behaviors, it blocks out the noise and I can just numb

myself. I don't have to think about this. So we get consumed with whatever it is and it could be something good or bad. I mean, one of the most common addictions that I see with people is workaholism, you know, and it's an escapism function. But we can look at it and say, I'm making money, you know, I'm productive, I'm supporting my family. But you only, you know,

you know, you know when you're crossing the line of that. But if it's blocking out the noise, the stuff you don't really want to face and make progress on, well, that's something I'd encourage you to check out and look at, you know. And so when we learn how to block out the noise, you know, it, I, I bet you can relate that, that it's, it's not only keeping you from these goals, you know, it's also, it's also where it's keeping you from the joy in relationships, which is the deeper

connections and the trust that you build. And that's the third major cost to not working on this stuff, man. Not making it your life's business to block this crap out, is it not? Not blocking out the noise, it's going to damage your relationships. It's going to impact your connections. And at the best, at the absolute best, when you listen to this noise, it's going to be neutral. At its worst, it's going to cause long term

consequences. People will make very destructive decisions because they have this sense of urgency and anxiety and fear that's feeding them and they're obeying it. It's like I was joking with a friend last night, he's like, well, what do you do with the noise? Like, you know, I said, I was just totally being sarcastic, you know, I'm like, well, you do everything it says, you know, you do everything. Go spend that money on whatever you want. Don't worry

about the consequences. You know, go ahead and have four girlfriends. You know, go ahead and quit your job and cuss out your boss, call your parents and tell them how horrible they are. I mean, whatever it is, yeah, just listen to it, you know, and that was total, total sarcasm, because it proves a point, you know, because you can identify. I'm sure that if I did that thing that I was spontaneously, destructively, like, propelled to do, you know, I would have

done serious damage, you know, including. Including the ending of relationships, because one bad choice can damage a relationship for a lifetime. I mean, just think about some of the destructive things you've seen. I mean, violence is one of those things. I mean, you don't just shake that stuff off. You can work on repairing it. But honestly, it's

all about the noise. I mean, that's why domestic violence is such a major issue, because it's so spontaneous, based on anger and rage and a lot of times alcohol, most of the time alcohol or some kind of substance. But the crucial thing here is, you know, you don't let your fears run the show. Your fears are not your friend. They're not going to lead you. I mean, sometimes they are your friend when it's a dog chasing you or a snake that you're playing with, rattlesnakes. I

mean, that's a good kind of fear. I mean, fear in the sense, is a great thing because it keeps you away from danger. But this anxiety, which is the way I like to think of it, is not. It's not. It's not your friend. And so you want to figure out. You want to figure out a way to rise above it, not listen to it, you know, because that is going to be a challenge for all of us. It's a challenge for me. So, okay, you got. You got distractions and drama that you can easily get sucked into

because of this noise. That drama is not good for your relationships. It's not solving problems. It's not helping you figure what's going on. Figure out what's going on. I mean, you're. You're. You're just getting sucked into the stuff. It's the content. It's destructive. So a great example of this is how. How people hate staff meetings. Oftentimes, you know, they. They can say, and I hear this consistently, you know, oh, I don't like. I don't like those staff meetings. And I ask

them, well, what do you not like about them? Or whatever meeting it is. It

could be a leadership meeting. It could be some kind of a. Of a meeting where you meet with people and like, what do you not like? Well, it's not productive is generally what I hear. And that it's not productive I would mainly guess is because at some level somebody is getting consumed in the drama and they're taking things personally. You know, they have beefs with other people in the room. They're not addressing, they're

not. The team's not functioning with a high level of trust because I think those that meetings I've never been in and facilitated a leadership meeting where they've made decisions and address core issues in a constructive way, where people are not energized afterwards. Energized to go out and apply what they learned and to continue to build those relationships that have been spurred in that interaction, in that team interaction because they're

making progress. But when somebody has a conflict or they don't like an issue that's being discussed, maybe I'll give you an example here. So a boss decides that there's going to be a policy amongst their sales staff of not buying clients alcohol. And they've had a history of taking people out for a beer or a glass of wine or whatever in the sales process. I mean, I know that's common. I'm

not saying that's a good or a bad thing in this situation. The boss decided that no, we're not going to do this anymore and there were some bad situations that had occurred in the past and so we're just going to cut it right there. And then comes into this all staff type meeting and makes an announcement without anybody actually having discussed it that this is the new policy, you know, take it or leave it kind of thing. And the leaders had not had any chance to

discuss that with the CEO. And so the CEO seemed very unapproachable about it. Like I don't even want to discuss this. It's just the way it's going to be. And so a lot of them went to their team and they didn't enforce it. In fact they even said, you know, something begrudging like, you know, this is the new policy, we got to follow through with it. I don't agree with it either. I think it's a bunch of crap, but hey, whatever, you know. And some of the leaders even go back and went back

and they didn't even say anything about it. So people kept, kept actually spending

money on whatever because it was, it was not just the sales department, a company wide policy. So it's basically no alcohol that they, that the company purchases and, and it ended up being a Blow up kind of conflict issue where people ended up, I mean, not following through with it. You know, then I see a different approach. You know, talking to the CEO, figuring out and me challenging him to say, hey, you know, it'd be great to have a

discussion so people feel heard. Because when they feel heard, even if they don't agree with it, they're much more likely to have a good attitude about it and actually convey the importance of it because they understand why, the meaning behind it and the benefit it can have for the company. And then ultimately, a great leadership team, they know that there are certain issues that they're not all

going to agree upon. But the importance of that team being in sync and unified, they know, is so crucial that they go back out and with a smile on their face, they say, this is the change and we got to support it. And they're really positive about it. And they are able to convey that because it's an emotional thing. Their heart's in the right place. Amazing thing. So the voice in your head again, if you listen to it, we listen to it in one of those staff

meetings, and it just drives us down. It's like, where are we going to go next? And you can see that a whole staff meeting can be consumed, whole business meeting can be consumed with your team can be consumed by that one issue. And people are. People are building grudges and they're not solving problems. So somebody has to ask questions to get it out. They have to actually engage the other person to get it out. And you only do that when you're not listening to that voice in your head saying,

fight, or what are they doing? You know, or they're disrespecting me, which that CEO in that situation was struggling with that. Like, they don't respect me. You know, they don't actually. They're not good for the team. They don't align with our values. All these things that were noise, because they really didn't have crucial, strong evidence of that. They had some behavioral evidence, but they have the substance of it because they hadn't taken the time to actually connect and talk about

this with their team, with their leadership especially. So the noise is costing you. Block it out. So let me go ahead and review, because this is going to motivate you to make some changes. I mean, seriously. So it leads you to the gutter, not blocking out the noise. Why do you want to stay in the gutter right there? I mean, that's just a bad place to be. It keeps you from your goals. You Know, I mean, you want to make progress on your

goals and it's not getting you there. It's actually getting in your way and it damages relationships where the good stuff in life actually is. So what's your takeaway from this podcast by the end of the day? Apply it, do something with it, talk to somebody about it, Put it on your schedule to do it. Whatever that takeaway is, whatever that insight is, teach it to somebody. It's better. It will stick when you teach it to somebody. So insight, what you

gain in listening to this podcast is 20% of changes. Action is 80%. Make a good plan and act. You know, a good plan is a hundred times better than a perfect plan that you do nothing with. A good plan that you execute on. There's no positive change until you decide to change. Decide today your legacy depends on the actions you take. To decide means to eliminate other options. Your legacy is the impact that your life has on

others. You decide your legacy. So do me a favor, and if this content was helpful for you, man, I would just strongly encourage you to go ahead and subscribe to Shatterproof yourself light. So this is a brief video on seven steps to a giant leap in your mental health. And we address this issue. And so when you become shatterproof, well, you're becoming psychologically resilient. The windshield on an airliner has layers to it. And those layers provide

resiliency, they provide strength. Just one sheet of glass on its own is not nearly as strong as five. The 787 Dreamliner has five different layers. And when you build these layers into your life, you're growing psychologically shatterproof. And you can take

actions to get there. So what does it mean to be psychologically shatterproof? You know, you have much more hope and much less fear as you approach situations, you're erring on the side of hope. Good can come out of this. I can learn a second thing. Second growth area is that you have faith that you can make it through challenges. Things don't go your way, you have adversity, but you have faith that I'm going to get something out of this. That's psychological shatterproofness right

there. So number three is you're gonna understand what actions that you can take to positively impact your future. And that's powerful. When you know that I do this thing, it's gonna impact my future, not right away, but in the future, but over time, it's long term relief. It's gonna have a big impact. So hit the link, get shatterproof yourself light. Fill out the worksheet and go through the mini course. It's gonna. It's gonna help you build that psychological shatterproof that I

discussed. So kind of a silly word, probably not the best word to use, but oh, well, I did it anyway. So another way,

another thing you can do for me is do me a favor and forward this episode to other people. So share it and say something like, hey, great episode. You might want to check this out. You got a lot of noise in your head and I wonder what you're saying right there. I don't know. So this ep, if this episode was helpful, go ahead and give it a rating and review on Apple or Spotify. So in closing,

I want to challenge you. Live the life today, this moment, today, tonight, this afternoon that you want to be remembered for living 10 years after you're gone. You decide your legacy. Nobody else. And either you will decide your legacy or, by default, fear is going to decide it for you. So I appreciate you greatly and I'll see you next time. It.