#231 Ange: The Chains That Bound Her

And I'm in this circle . I have these thoughts , thoughts I'm struggling . Like I read these books , I feel certain sensations and it's a circle I can't keep , like I can't break . I encountered the verse Romans 7 , going what I want to do is not what I do , so that at some point I held on to that . I was like , oh well , what can I do ?

It's part of life .

And she tells her story beautifully and I'm just so proud to hear her heart where God has taken her and what she is believing . This episode is not for kids , but it is powerful to see how God can take you from death to life and how he's revealing to us how much he loves us . So buckle up and strap in Love y'all , appreciate y'all . This is Ange .

All right , ange , we have been talking about doing this for a few weeks now . Remind me , what part of the world are you from ?

Um , but yeah , I remember we would do the adventures club , learning to brush my teeth and learning all this life skills and being surrounded by people who were really kind and loving I would . We were running in the streets as kids and it was pretty safe . I would say , no one would be worried where you are because they know .

Oh , if we call to this house , just run to the neighbor's house . Then we moved to Kigali . That 2002 ? Somewhere there . I was that um 2002 , somewhere there . I was born in 1997 , so um 2002 , and I also attend .

I attend um um preschool and an adventist , uh again , a small school there in Kigali called Apade and I would say a chunk of something that affects the rest of the story happens , I think , when I was in grade one , somewhere there a cousin introduces me to the .

It was like yo , come here , let's , I'll show you a game and ended up basically introducing me to sex and say it's a game . And I remember after that time I felt what happened . My grandma , I think , was living with us at that time and my mom was in the house . Like they found out .

The grown-ups find out , found and were like you know , you could get AIDS , like never do this again . And I felt shame . But we never talked about that again but that is something . It kind of went somewhere in the back but it would go on to affect the rest of my life . I would say I'm sorry .

Yeah , I think I recently had processed this actually two months ago like really processed why I carried that for so long and never talked about it . It's not something I shared with anyone . Um ,

I shared with Ruth that the counselor , like during one of our sessions , and I didn't realize how much he had really affected me and and as a seven-year-old or eight-year-old , I decided to carry that . Yeah , there's much shame I lived with from then on . So , yeah , that's where the story started .

And that was one of the things that took on as an identity as I identified myself as a lazy person . Then I had a hard time keeping up in school , like they would write notes and I would have half notes , basically that at some point my parents will help me , like find neighboring friends , like who I go to school with , so I can complete my notes .

So because if I don't have complete notes I won't be able to do my assignments . So they would help me . But with that it was like why don't you write faster ? Why can't you , you know , be faster and do things efficiently ? And so , yeah , that's one thing I took on as an identity .

Went primary struggled with understanding maths and it took me a while to really get the whole fractions and whatnot , why not ? And thank God that I finished primary like P6 , we'll call them like primary . So P6 and I did well on my national exam .

That's what you do before you get sent out to I think here they call it middle school , but for us that's already like secondary school . And in secondary school now comes in the whole thought of like , wanting to be liked and realizing that some of my friends have boyfriends or like they have people they like like .

Girls start talking about boys and I was like no one likes me or I would have little crushes . But it didn't go anywhere because I remembered sometimes when you get too close with boys , some things happen which shouldn't happen . So I stayed away from boys .

I would even feel ashamed if my parents called me talking to a boy , even at church , if we were just chatting . So high school came .

So I knew of God , like how they teach , like God is someone , he cares about us and wants the best for us , he loves us , but I . That pleases God . If you listen to teachers and you're following all the rules , then , yeah , god is pleased . And that would bring .

That means if I messed up , then God was not happy and I would have to ask for forgiveness and I had fear of dying and and rejecting God , like dying and God rejected me , or something like that .

So every time I went to sleep I would make sure I pray so that if anything happened I would go to heaven , and so , yeah , god was there , but I didn't really have that close connection . I wanted to be in a close relationship with God but I felt like I wasn't doing good enough , like I kept messing up . Hmm . Yeah .

I remember a friend telling me she heard in a circle someone say she walks different , like she walks weird , and I was like , okay , and I still carry that I had a weird walk and um , so yeah , I still carry that I had a weird walk and um , so yeah , I still was worried , like wary of boys and um , um , in high school I was still struggling with maths

and sciences . 2013 , I went to a new school because I went to A-level in secondary . Then I took up a course which it seemed cool at first but I ended up really hating it , realizing that it was math , physics and computer . I did not understand , like it was starting to sound like a foreign language and it was in a boarding school .

I was in a girl or girl school and I had friends there who , like some of them , we went to church together . But I still felt like I was not fitting in , like nobody understood me and I didn't really want to be in a boarding school . I didn't like boarding schools .

To be in a boarding school , I didn't like boarding schools , but still it's something I had to get used to . I remember in A-level , like fourth year , I started reading some of Ellen G White books and I will say , yeah , I tried to do everything she suggested .

I started staying away from TV , I didn't watch movies and I was like , okay , I'm going to read my Bible . I was fasting and praying , doing all this good things , but from a place of I want to be accepted , I want to be known as on the side of God . But I was also not happy .

Some of my classmates thought I was older than them just because I didn't really associate with them . I kept to myself most of the time and that is different from my personality , actually , because I love being around people and

connecting with others . But that time I kind of like pulled back , kept quiet and thought I had to watch everything I said or did so that I wouldn't sin against God or , you know , do the wrong thing . Then at the end of the year I ended up .

I was supposed to repeat that year , but I told my parents , I asked them if I could transfer to another school , which , like I , can learn literature because I was always good at languages and history , things like that I found it easier . And then they told me that my mom wanted to continue her studies .

So we're going to be moving to go to the Philippines . So 2014 , january 2014 , we went to Adventist University of the Philippines . We , I remember it was a whole new world , like so different from home . I didn't have as many friends or people I knew . They spoke English most of the time . I mean it wasn't a problem , but like not something I was used to .

I mean it wasn't a problem , but like not something I was used to . And yeah , I remember even then , just looking , we lived in an apartment and I was just look like , look up in the road and see how people are interacting and just wondering will I ever fit in here ? Will I ever fit in here ?

And there was a lot of programs , spiritual programs , in the academy , because I joined the academy I was still in high school and at that time they were finishing high school at four years . So I joined . There was already a batch that was going to graduate , but my parents wanted me to do the year after , so I stayed there .

I think I met people from countries I've never heard of , or like even sort of meeting people from Indonesia , south Korea , some people from Malaysia . Like I was like , oh , this is , this is nice . I get to meet other people and I reconnected with some friends which I went to primary with and it was fun . I would say the social life was fun .

But then the problem would be going back home . I felt like there was a dark cloud whenever I stepped in the house .

It wasn't as easy going as when I was at school and that was the first time living with my parents really close , like in a circle , because before , like , I was in a boarding school or even when I was home they were at work , so I would see them at the end of the day , but this time around we are seeing each other from morning , come home to eat lunch

. The weekends were together most of the time and as a teenage it felt weird . I would say I didn't feel at some point . I didn't think my parents loved me , I felt misunderstood and I would withdraw .

Like it's like , oh , you need to do your chores or you need to do this , but other children are outside hanging out with friends . And yeah , like , and I read this book . There's this five language , like love languages . And I remember reading it and realizing , oh , nobody loves me in this way . Like why are my parents not doing this ?

And I remember bringing it to them and they were looking at me strangely and they sat me down and they're like we love you , you know , like we moved here . We want the best for you . But in my brain at that time it was not landing . I had the idea that I was not loved for as much or in the way I wanted to be loved and I had started .

So when I was baptized in 2013 , before we left to go to the Philippines , I was still in A-level I got a Kindle as a gift and to a parent . I think they wanted me to really love reading and read the right books .

I was reading Ellen G White at first , but then things changed and I don't know how , but I discovered the world of smarts like this too explicit way literature and romance , romance , things like that . I started reading those books a lot . That was my escape .

So when I felt like I was not loved , I would open up a book and just read and and just get lost in that word and it brought these sensations which I was like okay , if no one likes me , I guess I get to experience this when I read a book . And that was life until I graduated high school , started university in 2015 .

And I remember , before I even took the course , I wanted to do music and my parents were , like everyone can sing . What do you mean ? You're going to do music . So I ended up taking dentistry because my dad was like this is good because you can set your own hours and you earn a lot when you become a dentist . I was like , okay , sounds like a plan .

I followed what my parents suggested and still I struggled with sciences again and I did three years in the dentistry there's what they call pre-dental . I was there for two years and then did a year in propa dentistry , like taking the dental classes , and I failed the first semester some of the classes and I asked my .

I did tell my parents I'm like I don't think I built for this , like maybe it's because you haven't really taken the the classes you're meant to take . So but I reached the point where I started having a hard time understanding the courses . I remember hallucinating one time . I guess I was really too tired . Um , I saw a dog jump through the glasses .

I screamed and I woke up and I could still see the dog . But my roommates woke up and they looked at like there's no dog here . It's not good . I would see things start moving . Like there was some art on the roof and like there was something that looked like an octopus or spider , but I could see it come alive .

That's when I knew my , my brain is it's done . So I told my parents I think it's time to move . Like I'm switching courses . Um , it took me a while to decide what I wanted to study , but but I was .

Since I loved reading , I thought why not take A-B English , which is the art part , not the one to go teach it , but to actually become maybe a writer or editor . So that's what I went , ended up transferring into , transferring into .

That's better .

And I remember even at that time I was still struggling with feeling like , feeling loved , or even my self-esteem at that time was low . So I did , I tried to do things that people so people would like me .

So even saying yes to certain things like oh , why don't you sing this time , or why don't you sing this time or why don't you pray , like yeah , because when I did that people seemed to like me . So I would say yes to things like that .

But at night I would realize I would go back to the books or someone told me something or someone looked me in a weird way . I would go back to the books and just turn off the whole like every , everything else , reality , even in dentistry . I remember like I would do that sometimes when things got hard . I would find me a book and just get lost in it .

I have heard I come from a culture where people find it easy to tell you you've gained weight . So , oh , you gain weight , we should do something about it . And I grew up in a home that I was self-conscious of how I looked and I tried to run , tried everything they suggested , but it still felt like it wasn't enough .

I was not enough and I had to look a certain way for people to accept me . And that brought a lot of yeah , like the pity

parties . It's like I need to look a certain way to be liked and I struggled with like self-esteem . I remember one day I was telling someone I was like , oh , my parents told me to go back to work out or lose some weight , and they were like you know , you're beautiful , right ? I looked at them like , yeah , right , and it's like I don't believe you .

But okay , thanks . It was hard to take compliments . It's still hard . I find myself sometimes when people say , oh , this is good . I look at them and try to explain , instead of saying thank you . It's hard to take compliments . Still , I've noticed I'm working on it , but I've noticed that sometimes I'm like why can't I just say thank you and move on ?

So me reading those mats , like taking all that info in that , made me see people certain way or have certain thoughts in my brain . And sometimes they will come and say I'm at church or I didn't want those thoughts , but I will find myself like I will feel guilty for thinking a certain way , for thinking a certain way , and I would just .

I remember this time I wrote a song to say I mess up more than I can count . Please don't give up on me . Telling God , don't give up on me Like I know you're my salvation , but like sin separates me from your love . And in this circle I have these thoughts , I'm struggling .

Like I read these books , I feel certain sensations of and it's a circle I can't keep , like I can't break . I encountered the verse Romans 7 , going what I want to do is not what I do , so that at some point I held on to that . I was like , oh well , what can I do ? It's vital , it's part of life , it's part of Christianity .

I believe that I , I'm mess , I'm a sinner , I always mess up , but I need to beg God to forgive me and hopefully one day I'll make it to heaven . But my record shows it's not happening .

I remember for us to go outside , we had like a gate pass system and for me to go outside , I needed to attend a certain amount of worship , um , and then I would get a get pass . If I didn't do enough worship during the week , I would have to write reflections for the Sabbath school lesson and then they would consider to give me a get pass .

So I had to earn going outside . So , yeah , it brought on this transactional relationship . I think that that's what it was like . It was transactional . My relationship with God was transactional , and even it came like down to friendships . If someone treated me in a certain way was transactional , and even it came down to friendships .

If someone treated me in a certain way , then I didn't have to keep them around , or , yeah , it was always . You do this to me , okay . That makes you a bad person . I do this . I'm a bad person . I think these thoughts . I am a dirty , wretched person .

We're going to have an amazing time just gathering together for two days and just encouraging each other , edifying each other in truth and just being with the gospel community .

So , uh , we would love to have you um , text me , message me , go to the love reality Facebook group and see , uh , all the directions on what you need to do to be there and then just come kick it with us . Also , partner with us love realityorg slash . Give us loverealityorg . We want this gospel to go out .

So partner with us in that and meet up with us in Denver .

But also I got to know many people which I loved , from different countries , and there were always rules like the school would always come up with rules and , of course , like convocation time on Friday , then they would have worship and then they said the new rules and then we go out all complaining .

It's like really Like we don't have enough rules , like do we have to deal with this ? We have a . We had a 7pm curfew during the week . So if you're a coach outside um at seven and you're not in like near your dorm , you had to explain where you were and why and you end up getting a blue ticket .

So you go to the discipline office and explain why you were outside . Sometimes they will give you like a community service or . But yeah , it was . It was hard , because sometimes you'll be like I'm going to do worship in another dorm but it's not my dorm . So they're like , where do you stay ? I stay , I say a cadena , and why are you near mahogany ?

Like that was a boys dorm and it's like , oh , I was participating , I was part of the people singing or reading the scripture , but yeah , sometimes the 7 pm coffee was was really hard 7 pm yeah mercy and people , some people in their class at eight .

I don't know how they computed that , but yeah , at least if you're coming from class , you're like I'm coming from class , but yeah right mercy , so , but you were probably pretty good at this I . I did good . I tried my best to not be caught outside past the time . I think I've gotten maybe two or three blue tickets . We call them infractions ,

I think I'm . Yeah , I didn't get . I was good at keeping the rules . I tried my best to stay in between the lines . I'm sure .

I was like this is happening to my body . I don't know what it is . I don't know what it is , I'm scared . What is going on ? And so one of my mammograms was leaking and I was scared it was going to be cancer . And in my head that was like I think God is punishing me for the way I've been living .

So somehow I had graduated from reading smart and I'd been looking at porn . Like it didn't feel good , but like afterwards , but like I don't know , I would find myself watching it .

And it was during the era where they started the whole self love thing and they're like yeah , you gotta love yourself , you gotta treat yourself like you don't need a man to feel certain ways . And I bought into that as someone who was like I don't think any boys like me , anyways , I don't think I might as well do it myself .

But I didn't feel good , I would feel ashamed after . But I kept finding myself going back to the same circle because I was like I'm loving myself , or this is my way of coping when no one likes me , or yeah , life is not going well . Yeah , life is not going well .

And so when I started experiencing that whole problem , I was like I'm being punished for what I've been doing , I've been living sinfully and I haven't been doing as well as a Christian girl . And yeah , I remember I had a chat with someone and they were talking . It was a guy and he was like have you watched that porn ? I was like yeah , I have .

He was like what kind of porn do you watch ? And I remember getting freaked out after that conversation . I'm like why was I talking to a guy about watching porn ? Like how did I get here ? And that really it shook me in a way .

And the teachings was like I remember I don't know there was this preacher who was like you can change , like you don't have to keep doing that , you don't have to keep watching porn . You don't like it's possible , transformation is possible . And I remember writing back to that guy and going sorry , I think God can help us .

I think we can change Because he did share that . He was also introduced to sex early on by a cousin and had shared that and I was like we're messed up . But I think it's possible to change .

I don't know how or when , but I think maybe there must be something out there and um so like with my health thing happening and feeling like maybe this is my way .

God is saying I told you this is what happens when you sin against me and I've heard stories a lot of this is what happens , like the old testament stories of like people do things , god is not pleased . This is what happens , like the old , like Old Testament stories of like people do things God is not pleased , destroys . That's the view of God I had .

And so , yeah , but then , during the moment I was looking for a doctor because lockdowns have started and it was getting hard to just go to a hospital or even find help as easily , and I remember praying I'm like if I perish , I perish like it's . This is on me . I brought it on myself and um , and God slowly started reintroducing himself .

It was through , I think , the light bearers they had a convocation on , on who God is and the final judgment , all those like the last end of probation , things like that and explaining those things . And slowly my brain started to change . I'm like what if God absolutely doesn't want me to have this sickness ? Like what if he wants something good for me ?

And eventually I found a doctor . Like my parents were like , ended up doing some like prayers with them and tried to find some people were doing like online checkups . I tried to find some people were doing like online checkups and I was able to find a doctor and scheduled a surgery , I mean kind of like a biopsy and that happened in June of 2020 .

I got in , they got the biopsy done , everything went well , the results came back and it was nothing to be scared of . They're like there's no cancer here . It's like they don't know how it happened , why it happened , but it happens . And it felt so relieving like I was relieved .

But also during those months , I think I had slowly , like my image of who God was had , started changing . I I would say that I even felt God's love at some point , like God loves me , because if he didn't , I don't think I would be able to find a surgeon . And biopsy gets done and everything turns out to not be as bad as I thought .

And yeah , that kind of opened doors . And 2020 , august 2020 , I went back to Rwanda because school had ended and I kept watching the lightbearers and struggling here and there with myself reading smarts again and I'm like I need to stop this . Then , eventually , 2021 , we get , we apply to come to Canada as students . We get the visas .

Even at that time , people like it's not easy to get a Canadian visa , but for some reason , I had this belief that if God really had plans for me to be here . I'll be here and and I did come here with my sister and , yeah , during COVID lockdowns , we did like a two weeks quarantine . Everything is like okay .

So it was shocking to see the sun at 8 pm . Like , why is this ? Why is this still light ? Yeah , that was shocking . And then , um , I I tried finding ways to get rid of the ,

the thoughts that would come about , like I've listened to podcasts that really did like sex education or something like that , why with those certain things , but it still didn't help .

It's like there's something which was missing , and I believe in 2022 , I started listening to the Just2Life podcast and I think I found it through Justin Koo's Instagram and I'm listening to stories and I'm going is that possible ? Like , what you mean to tell me someone was one way and now they are the other way ?

I was taking everything in , I was taking it all in and at the end of 2022 , I remember you had the healed from sin , and I was at that time I went to visit my family in Burkina Faso . That's where they were at that time .

So I would still follow up and I'm hearing people like , oh , with the healing that comes from you know , being set free , like people are walking in freedom , and it all sounded so good and I wanted it to be true for me . And also the idea that God had made me right with himself , that what Jesus did , that's when he did that . It blew my mind .

I was like so you mean , I don't have to read my Bible pray every day to get into heaven . Like that's not how I become right with God . And everything changed from there , like my worldview had changed .

I started understanding more of who God was and what he had done , and I also started learning more about who I am in him , like I'm not a sinner , I'm not the intrusive thoughts , I'm not the habits I keep going to regulate , like that's not me , that doesn't define me and that's not how God sees me .

And the more I kept listening to the stories um , I think I started attending internet church and bible studies at the beginning of 2023 , the more I listened , I think things were landing . It was just marinating , I guess , just getting in , and I got to a point I'm like , yeah , this is who I am . I am a child of God . I am free from sin . I'm not .

It has no power over me . The books I was reading , they don't have power over me . Like I can actually stop reading , like I don't have to partake anymore . Um , like , even if , like , I still fed off , like sometimes I would feel feelings of , um , I don't feel like I'm enough , or like it slowly started having power over how I reacted .

And the other day I was looking back and I was like I have no intention of opening a book that is explicit . Like , absolutely not . It's like . Now , like I see it , I'm like , no , somebody talks about it . I'm like my ears , my everything closed , like I don't want to hear anything about this .

And I realized , like it's not because I tried so hard to get free . It just happened one day that I was no longer focusing on that and I started talking to God when I felt hurt . I started seeking other people to talk to when I was having a hard time . And I would say , right now I'm like , wow , life is good , life in Christ is good .

I feel like I can actually be myself and do things I want to do without fearing that I'm sinning against God or that I'll be separated from God .

But when this truth was presented of like I've been made right with God and it's not because of what I have to do or I don't have to earn it , I was like , yes , I'll take that Because I've tried so hard and it didn't work .

I can talk about the hard feelings or even the thoughts I'm getting like , I can write it down and and show it to God and know that it's not something I have to hang on to . God has been healing me Even things I've held on for too long . I'm able to safely bring it out . I'm safe to say it and know that there is healing for me .

So , even recognizing that as a woman , there's certain times of the month my hormones may be a little too over the top , but also realizing that it's part of how I'm created , it's not sinful , that

it's healthy and that I don't have to think much about it .

So open our eyes so that we can see the freedom that we have in your son and that we can walk in it , and that we can truly believe that , while we were yet sinners , that's when you died for us , and that's how we know that you love us and that perfect love casts out all fear .

So thank you for loving us and sending your son , Jesus , and in his name we pray . Amen .