Nicole’s Family Divorce One Year Later

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been changed for the privacy of our guests. So today we're going to hear from Nicole. Nicole's episode was called Nicole's Family Divorce. Nicole's parents were getting divorced out of forty years, and Nicole had a lot of feelings about it, even though she was an adult, because adults often do

have feelings when their parents get divorced. But Nicole had always been in this role in her family of being a mediator, and so she really struggled to make space for her own feelings because her parents and her sister were all coming to her for support. So Nicole really wanted to get out of the middle of her parents problems. Let's get a reminder of how that session went. It's kind of always been my role in life has been the listener. So it's my parents, my mom, my dad,

and then my sister. Everybody always comes to me when they have a problem with somebody else in the family, and then I kind of carried the burden of everybody's and try to give advice where possible. And at this point though, it's kind of like everybody's coming to me, and then everybody problem is with the other person, which is a little more difficult. You're listening to dea therapists will be back after a short break, and now let's

hear what's going on with Nicole. A year later, Hey, guys, and Laurie I just want to check in with you guys since we last chatted. I did get a new job and it's been super great for me, and I think that the thing that I changed the most since talking to you guys is just being able to shut off my engagement in the conversations with my parents. They both definitely still try to drag me into it. They both try to say things like, oh, your mom and I got in a fight, how does she seem? Or

your dad not gotten a fight? How does he seem? Which isn't fair, And to be honest, like I kind of got sick of saying like I don't want to talk about it, so I'm not to the point where I just kind of yes my way through whatever they're saying. I just want to know how you guys think that I can really get more firm with them, or what kind of wording I could use to help me with that.

I don't feel like it's fair for them to do that to me, and I just don't know how to say no. I guess I do really want to thank you guys for your advice, though, I was able to really work on my own feelings and how I feel about stuff versus letting their feelings take over. Um, thanks so much for all of your advice, and I can't hear wait to hear what you guys is updated. So it's good to hear that. Nicole is really clear that it's unfair that her parents try and put her in

the middle. And it sounds like the best she's been able to do is not engage them when they do put her in the middle. But what Nicole is struggling with is what a lot of people struggle with when they try to set limits. They set the limits. She told her parents, I don't want you to come to me. It's not fair to put me in the middle. That's not good for me. She did that part, But limits setting has two parts. The first part is very quick,

that's setting the limit. The big part is the need to maintain that limit thereafter, time and time and time again if necessary. And that's where she's struggling. She's not aware. I think that she needs to continue to set that limit and remind them of it each time. The minute her father says, oh, I had an argument with your mom, Dad, Dad, to remind you, that's not something I want to hear, So please do not address that to me. If you're concerned about mom, contact mom, and the same to her mom.

If she needs to say it every time she speaks with them, say it every time you speak with them, Nicole. That's what maintaining the limit is about, right, And a lot of people feel guilty doing that and they feel like they need to apologize for setting the limit. But now that Nicole realizes that indeed this is unfair, there's nothing to apologize for here. She just needs to be very clear and brief, and the important thing is the

consistency of the response. She can't sometimes give that response and sometimes let them talk about the other parent, because they're not going to get the message when you are consistent with setting the boundary every single time that one parent talks about the other. But she very kindly, very calmly, very politely says, just a reminder, I don't want to hear about your issues with mom or dad. Then that's

the only way they're going to get the message. Absolutely, and consistency is the key word, because if you do it four times and then the fifth you don't and you indulge it. The message she would be giving her parents is that some times it is okay when it's not, and that's why the consistency is so important. And to be clear, it's very emotionally laborious to keep having to set limits with people. It's a difficult thing. It feels

like a confrontation. It's uncomfortable, but I'm reminding the code and our listeners. The limit you said is you're letting the person know what you will tolerate, not what they want to do, but what you will or will not tolerate. And when you're saying I will not tolerate that conversation, you have to be incredibly consistent and make sure that indeed you don't ever tolerate that conversation. That's the only way to be consistent and for them to eventually, and

they will if you're consistent, get the message. I also wonder what happened with her sister, because we had given her an assignment where her sister would come to her as well, and in one of those conversations, she discovered that she and her sister were both quite upset about the divorce, and we were hoping that maybe she and her sister could be mutually supportive for each other so there would be some reciprocity there wouldn't just be the sister coming to Nicole, but Nicole could also go to

the sister. So Nicole, if you're listening, I hope that you and your sister aren't able to have a more reciprocal relationship because you're setting a boundary with her as well. Because the thing about boundaries is that while it can be scary and it might feel like you're doing something aggressive and sometimes people feel like, well, that's just going to make things very complicated, setting the boundary actually brings clarity to the relationship, makes things less complicated, and brings

people closer together. Next week, we're going to check in with Diane from season two to hear how she's doing a year later. I had a really, really, really hard time without loss. I was probably a month out from surgery when my brother and sister in law announced they were pregnant. It really kind of sucked the air out of me because I was like, Oh, now she's going to be pregnant, and oh, we could have been pregnant together.

And that really caused like a big friction in my relationship with my brother and sister in law because I just didn't want to be around them. If you're enjoying our podcast, don't forget to subscribe for free so that you don't miss any episodes, and please help support Dear Therapists by telling your friends about it and leaving a review on Apple Podcasts. Your reviews really help people to find the show. If you have a dilemma you'd like to discuss with us, email us at Lori and Guy

at I heart media dot com. Our executive producer is Noel Brown. We have produced and edited by Josh Fisher. Additional editing support by Helena Rosen, John Washington and Zachary Fisher. Are Interns are Ben Bernstein, Emily guccierrez and Silver Lifton. And special thanks to our podcast fairy Godmother Katie Curic. We can't wait to see you at our next session. The A Therapist is a production of I Heart Radio. Fisher third