I'm Laurie Gottlieb. I'm the author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, and I write the Dear Therapist advice column for the Atlantic.
And I'm Guy Wench. I'm the author of Emotional First Aid, and I write the Dear Guy advice column for Ted. And this is Dear Therapists.
This week we're going to check in on a guest from season two to hear how they're doing a year later.
First, a quick note Deo Therapists is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical or psychological advice, and is not a substitute for professional health care advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may
have regarding a medical or psychological condition. By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let iHeart Media use it in part or in full, and we may edit it for length and clarity. In the sessions you'll hear, all names have been changed for the privacy of our guests.
So today we're hearing back from Hillary and her session we called Hillary's shopping Addiction. Hillary was working toward becoming a drug and alcohol counselor after a long history of drug addiction that was now manifesting as a shopping addiction. She had a lot of shame around this because of the work she does. She felt like she should know better. But as we know, this isn't about knowing. It's about how to cope with the painful feelings and how we numb them when we don't know how to cope.
Yeah, Hillary had a really, really traumatic past, and what was interesting is that she had accomplished so much in her life given the challenges she had to overcome, and when she started to overcome them, which was much later in life.
And because of all this, she was really struggling with relationships, friendships, romantic relationships. She was seeing somebody, but it wasn't really a solid relationship, and so we were really hoping that we could also help her find more connection in her life. So let's get a reminder of what was going on last year.
I'm not sure when it all started, but I know that recently, in the last couple of years, it's escalated and it's become a real problem in my life, which is ironic because I am an alcohol and drug counselor and I've been in sobriety for nine years, so I understand when something interferes in your life, it's probably an addiction.
In the last couple of years, I've been working on my master's degree in counseling, and for the first time in my life, I experienced physical symptoms of anxiety, and to alleviate those physical symptoms, it felt really good to fill up my cart and buy something. And I didn't realize that that's what was happening until I was six thousand dollars in debt.
You're listening to dea therapists. We'll be back after a short break. Now let's hear how things are going for Hillary a year later.
Hi, this is Hillary. I'm checking back in with you and your listeners. Over the past year, there's been a lot of changes. I was taking care of my elderly mother and she was drinking pretty heavily, and she was ninety one years old, and she passed away in July of last year. And then two months later, my older sister died and she had many health problems, including a addiction to opiate Yes, so I've been struggling with mourning their losses. I have connected with a group online for that.
As far as the other things go, I'm doing well at work. I am a licensed to alcohol and drug counselor in my state and went from part time to full time. I've chosen to put my master's program on hold. I intend to return at spring of twenty twenty three. I just have a few credits to finish and then I'll have that degree. As far as the shopping addiction, I kind of fell off on that. I also had made a decision and I'm not sure what it had to do with the death of my family members, but
I quit go into my twelve step support group meetings. However, that's changed this week. As a matter of fact, I've found a new meeting, really good one. And the thing about shopping addiction that I've realized is it's very very similar to a drug addiction or alcoholism in that the endorphins are released during a time when you press that button. My long term focus has been on a trip to Scotland, which i'd like to do, and I'll be sixty this year, so I really would like to accomplish that in the
next five years. So I'm actually moving around one day at a time and trying to stay focused. I really enjoy my work. I help women and children. I continue to see a therapist. I've chosen to stay on an antidepressant, which is helping as far as the shopping goes. I think I do need to get involved with some extra help. I've been really isolating a lot when I'm not working, so that just adds to the triggers of wanting to
get something in the air. Quote get something. Appreciate what you did for me a year ago, and just so you and your listeners know, I'm not giving up on becoming healthier. Thanks a lot.
So first I want to offer my condolences to Hillary. Those are two significant losses within a year, both her mother and her sister, and her sister dying of opiates when she had that addiction. So this has been a really difficult year for her, and I think we need to take the rest of what she said in that context, that this is a ear of grieving and recovery.
Absolutely, and I think what she's dealing with is intergenerational trauma where there's that history of addiction in the family and she wants to be the person to stop it. And when we think about what a difficult year she's had in addition to her path, which was incredibly challenging. I really admire that she is working so hard to
keep going and make things better. So when we talked to her last year, she was having trouble finishing her master's program, and yet she's going back and she's doing it, and even though she struggles with the shopping addiction, she's going to twelve step and she's setting goals for herself, and she's doing work that gives her meaning of helping others.
And I think that it's kind of amazing that she's able to do all of that, given how much challenge there has been, and I think it really speaks to her strengths.
The fact that she went to full time, also because the job she does is not an easy job, right, It's an experience she's been through with addiction, and obviously with the shopping addiction, she's still struggling. So doing that full time is really admirable and it also I'm sure helps her finances. The issue with isolating herself is that addiction often thrives on loneliness, and it's that is really
necessary when you're healing from addiction. The two are really related in so many ways, and so as she wants to help herself and move forward, and I hope at this point she can move a little bit past the grieving to continue to become healthier. But that I think by definition, means getting more connected. You have to focus on your relationships. The fact that she's setting long term
goals I think is really important. But if, for example, Scotland is a long term goal, then the long term goal might be go to Scotland with a friend, and then there are two long term goals and you can accomplish both, hopefully in the same full soup in a few years time.
I remember last year, we gave her an exercise to write down things that would bring her pleasure, and she came up with this entire list.
It was amazing.
It was amazing, and I didn't hear a lot of that. I heard her having goals for those kinds of things, and so I hope she will follow up on that, but also include that connection piece in terms of what is going to bring her joy and can she do some of these things with people. So yeah, she needs to stop isolating. I think she's definitely a very strong person. I love what she said at the end about that she's not giving up on becoming healthier, and we are here rooting for her the whole way.
Next week, we're in session with Jordan, who wants to understand how seeing his parents dysfunctional relationship as a child might have contributed to his own marriage ending after only two years.
There were red flags that I ignored. Here's this beautiful woman that I get along with extremely well, and we just seem perfect for each other, and we moved in with each other, and it was within a couple months I started to realize, wait a second, this just doesn't seem normal.
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If you have a dilemma you'd like to discuss with us, email us at Laurie and Guy at iHeartMedia dot com. Our executive producer is Noel Brown. We're produced and edited by Josh Fisher, additional editing support by Helena Rosen, John Washington, and Zachary Fisher. Our interns are Ben Bernstein, Emily Gutierrez and Silver Lifton. And special thanks to our podcast fairy Godmother Katie Curic. We can't wait to see you at our next session. Dear Therapist is a production of iHeartRadio