I'm Laurie Gottlieb. I'm the author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, and I write the Dear Therapist advice column for the Atlantic.
And I'm Guy Wench. I'm the author of Emotional First Aid, and I write the Dear Guy advice column for Ted. And this is Dear Therapists. This week we're going to check in on our guests from season two to hear how they're doing a year later.
First, a quick note, Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only. It does not constitute medical or psychological advice and is not a substitute for professional healthcare advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may
have regarding a medical or psychological condition. By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let iHeartMedia use it in part orn full, and we may edit it for length and clarity. In the sessions you'll hear, all names have been changed
for the privacy of our guests. So today we're catching up with Doug and his episode was called Doug's Fear of Intimacy and a year ago Doug was finally in a healthy, loving relationship after the breakup of a long term relationship that left a lot of emotional scars, and we tried to help him to understand why intimacy was so scary for him and how much his earlier romantic relationship affected him, and how he could be vulnerable in his current relationship in order to feel safe and cared for.
Here's what was going on with him back then.
I feel like I can be much more open and honest with Lucas, and I feel like I have been. There are definitely times when I get in my head or I don't feel comfortable being super open about how I'm feeling. He'll ask me, and I think that's kind of where I struggle is. He'll ask me, and I'll say everything's fine, and he'll ask me again, and I can feel myself getting angry, even though he's not doing
it because he is OCD. I think I still have those thoughts where if somebody asked me the same question a couple of times, I just tense up.
Doug was also dealing with the fact that his parents didn't want to acknowledge that he was gay, and so this was another area where he couldn't express himself authentically.
You're listening to dear therapists for my Heart Radio. We'll be back after a short break.
So now let's hear how things are going for Doug.
A year later, Hey, Guy and Laurie, A lot has happened since I spoke with you last. I quit the job that I hated, started grad school, and bought a house. I feel like once I started finding my own voice, I realized there was a lot in my life that I kind of just let happen to me. For so long, I was worried what others would think or say that I let them decide what was best for me. Now I am discovering what I want out of my own life. Lucas and I are still together, and he has been
so supportive during all these changes. They were many times when I was anxious and scared, but instead of holding those inside and dealing with them alone, I allowed myself to be open and vulnerable with him. It has been incredibly freeing not having to bottle those feelings up and trusting that Lucas is there for me in those moments. Max's mom ended up passing away from pancreatic cancer shortly after our session. And that was one of the hardest
moments of my life. It was difficult losing such an important person to me. I've never cried so hard in front of someone the way that I did in front of Lucas. He held me and let me cry, and I'm not sure I've ever felt so safe with someone like I did then. I think because of that, it has allowed me to be open about certain things in
our relationship that we needed to deal with. I remember Laurie saying that in the past, I have been afraid that bringing up issues will cause the relationship to break, but in reality, not bringing up those issues is what will cause the relationship to break. I have thought about that many times when I've been scared to address things, but it has motivated me to push through that anxiety and to talk about it. And you were right, it has only gotten easier the more that I've done it.
A few months after I sent that letter to my family, I ended up spending some time with them in person. At one point, my mom said, we want you to be in a happy and loving relationship in the way that God defines it. I felt really hurt by that, and honestly I completely shut down, but As I thought about it more, I decided I needed to stand up for myself in person, not just in a letter. I worked up the courage to address the comment with them and shared how it felt to hear what they said.
I told them that they continued to disregard and ignore or who I am, telling them that I am, and that it's a part of me that will never go away. I told them that I am proud of and love who I am, and that it has taken me a long time to be able to say that. I reminded them of the letter and said that I cannot keep having this conversation with them, that I meant what I said about not continuing a relationship if they could not
stop saying such hurtful things. They were defensive at first, but I really stuck to my guns and redirected the conversation back to how I felt and what I expected moving forward. They later came and apologized for what they said and said they sometimes forget that I'm a thirty two year old man and I am free to make my own decisions. Something Guy pointed out was that I was comfortable sharing how other people felt, but rarely was able
to speak to my own true feelings. I never realized I did that until I listened back to the session and heard how little I spoke of my feelings and how limited my vocabulary of those feelings was. I've been on quite the exploration since our session and had been trying to be more in tune with who I am and what I am feeling. Opening up to the two of you was a huge first step towards finding myself. I was ready to change, but felt so stuck and
didn't know where to start. I don't feel like the same person I was a year ago, and I'm sure a year from now, listening back to this, I'll feel the same way again. I can't thank you enough for having me on the show. I truly had a transformational year because of it. Thank you take care well.
Doug said he had a truly transformational year, and he truly did. We like to say as therapist that people often change gradually then suddenly, So when people write to us, they're typically wanting some change, and you can tell from how they handle the homework who's actually ready, which is
different from wanting change, and who's not quite there. Doug was clearly there even that first He really dived into the homework, and he did some difficult things that moved him really far outside of his comfort zone, like that exercise we gave him with Lucas, and then also confronting his family who refused to acknowledge that he's gay and that he had a loving partner. So there were so many changes. He quit his job, he started grad school,
he bought a house. So because he was ready, it's not surprising that once the train had left the station, it wasn't going to stop.
I'm smiling when you're saying that, because that's a little bit the image I had listening to him, that it's this freight train that just like I'm going forward now and everyone better get out of the way kind of thing in a good way. And I think that it was amazing to hear, because yes, he said he found his own voice, and he really has. In the session, he confronted his family by writing an email to them, and if I recall, it took them a while to
respond to it. But here he did it on the phone, and not just he did it on the phone, he did it in a much clearer way. I cannot be in a relationship with you if you cannot accept who I am if you don't respect my basic personhood. And when they try and redirect, no, he brings them back to it and insists again, that is truly assertive, that is truly finding your own voice, insisting that if you want to be in a relationship with me, if you love me, then you have to accept me. That was
lovely to hear. And the other thing I really thought was amazing to hear he remembered that I said that he's been paying too much attention to other people's feelings rather than his own, and here he was able to when he was grieving, really pay attention to his own feelings, lean on Lucas, get that embrace for him, be vulnerable and sad with him, and as he said, feeling so so safe with Lucas. That's him really prioritizing his feelings and his needs are not worrying about how that will
come across to Lucas. That was great to hear too.
Yeah, he's really breaking these long standing patterns that he had in all of his relationships with his parents, with Matt the ex boyfriend, and learning how to do something different with Lucas. I'm really glad he remembered that moment in the session when he was really concerned that bringing something up would cause relationships to break to end, and we reminded him that talking about something will not cause a relationship to break. It's not talking about something that
will cause a relationship to break. And if talking about something does cause a relationship to break, that is not the relationship that you want to be in.
And I want to just go back to what you said about him being ready. This is what you see when someone is ready, They will make changes in almost every area of their lives. Because when you are changing something internally, it should be reflected in all kinds of areas of your life. And here he was quitting his job, starting school, strengthening his relationship with his boyfriend, and trying to change the relationship with his family into a much
healthier one, firing on all cylinders. And that's what's so gratifying to see. When you're ready for change, it can happen all around you.
Next week, we're checking in with Melissa, who had trouble tolerating her children's emotions, to hear how she's doing one year later.
I don't think I typically will respond with a lot of empathy. I feel like almost a repulsion to the child, like just get away from me, just go away, leave me alone. I mean I get to the point where I feel like I hate the child.
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If you have a dilemma you'd like to discuss with us, email us at Laurie and Guy at iHeartMedia dot com. Our executive producer is Noel Brown. We're produced and edited by Josh Fisher, thistional editing support by Helena Rosen, John Washington and Zachary Fisher. Our interns are Ben Bernstein, Emily Gutierrez and Silver Lifton and special thanks to our podcast fairy Godmother Katie Curic. We can't wait to see you at our next session. Deotherapist is a production of iHeartRadio
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