Diane’s Infertility Struggles One Year Later

It does not constitute medical or psychological advice, and is not a substitute for professional health care advice, diagnosis, or treatment. In the sessions you'll hear, all names have been changed for the privacy of our guests. So today we're going to check in with Diane. Her episode was called Diane's Infertility Struggle, and she was struggling with recurrent pregnancy loss and really wanting another child. She did have one daughter, and there was the series of losses and with those

losses also some truly traumatic experiences. And what's really difficult for her is that people around her, including in her family, are having second and third children, and it is so painful for her when she keeps losing these pregnancies. Let's get a reminder of how the session went. So it's really hard because I had to go through Christmas and

everything like not telling anybody. And so we went for the ultrasound on Nearar's Eve and they just said, I'm sorry, you know, the baby stepped growing, and you know, I was devastated and I cried and my husband he looked like he was really upset, and I was like, oh my gosh, he's finally showing emotion. The doctor left the room or whatever, but he literally said to me, you have one at home, right and I said yes, and he goes, you'll have three kids before you know it.

And I was like, what, this is so invalidating and so upsetting. And then then you know, they go and let yourself out the back door, because nobody wants a crying person to walk through the waiting room. You're listening to dea. Therapists will be back after a short break, and now let's hear how things are going for Diane. A year later, a few months after recording my episode, I was so excited to discover that I was pregnant. It finally felt like the supplements and acupuncture had worked.

I cautiously told my husband the good news, and he was immediately excited and insisted on talking about names right away. I was scared to get too excited, but I was still hopeful with my history of loss. I went in a couple of days later for blood work and it was low, but still in the normal range. Two days later, I started cramping and my second h c G level came back that night, indicating impending miscarriage. We were devastated. I found out about this from checking my chart online.

I never once received a call from my doctor. The very next morning, I started heavy cramping and miscarried. It was truly horrific. I was literally miscarrying while my six year old daughter was having a tantrum and wanted to come in the bathroom to see me. My husband had to hold her in the hallway to keep her from busting in. I heard her crying and screaming while I started sobbing for the fourth child I had lost. Anyone

who's experienced a miscarriage knows how incredibly painful it is. Physically. All I wanted to do was just lay on the couch and rest and grieve, but It also happened to me my daughter's first ever dance recital, so I had to put her outfit on, do her hair, put a smile on, and go sit in an auditorium and watched three hours of dance. In some ways, I was grateful for the distraction, and it sort of resulted in me mentally dismissing it as not that big of a deal.

Life had to go on, but it really was, and when the numbness wore off, I got into a really bad place. I lost a major friend group of other moms. I just didn't want to hear talks of pregnancy or sibling interactions, and it was almost too much for these friends that their lives were triggering me in this depth of despair. It re emphasized for me just how isolating

pregnancy loss is. After that experience, I also ended up switching hospital systems and doctors after them never calling me to ask me how I was, or even to just give me the number. Had I not seen my chart on that Friday night, I wouldn't have been prepared for

what started happening on Saturday. My new oh b G I N, who came recommended from several friends, discovered that I had a gene mutation that results in certain deficiencies of like B six and B twelve, and so since I've started taking extra vitamins to support this deficiency, at least it provides some hope for the near future. I am grateful that I was able to find an amazing therapist who specializes in grief, and so for the past

seven months I've been seeing her. Also, both my nieces have since been born, the one who was in town, we see a lot, and I have definitely appreciated enjoying the cute baby moments without having to deal with the messy diapers or being up at night with her, and so I feel like I've had some more glimpses of the positives of only having one child. My daughter still

talks about having siblings all the time. She's even had a few really heavy sobs about how she just wants to have you know, siblings with her at our house. She even asked me one night, how come you know Aunt X and why can have babies in their tummies but you can't. So sometimes I cry with her about it, and other days I just point out the benefits of her being the only kid in our family. But my daughter recently had a school assignment where she had to write I am lucky because and she wrote I am

lucky because I'm an only child. So that was nice to see a little hard to see, but also kind of nice that she, you know, found a good in it as well. I was really nervous to really listen to my episode, but when I did, I realized it was one of the first times all of my intricate feelings about loss and just an a acting with the

world as somebody who's experienced this, we're truly validated. Everything that I struggled with Lorie and Guys said was normal for someone grieving, and that was so important for me to hear at the time, because I just kept feeling like something was wrong with me, that I was experiencing all of these things. So I was so grateful to feel heard and validated. As a result of my conversation with Lorie and Guy, my communication with my husband is better.

I think this is probably one of the biggest things. I just didn't realize how poor it was, and I feel like we've been more open about things and have been able to have better conversations. Another important insight that I gained was realizing how much my anxiety impacts my day to day. So similar to how Guy kind of pointed out that it was an underlying issue in my therapy, has also pointed it out for different things that I

never would have really attributed to anxiety. So I'm grateful for that to be able to find new ways to cope with it. Just generally, I'm grateful that I was able to talk to Laurian Guy. It helped me realize that one, my feelings are very valid and there was nothing wrong with me. Too, that an anxiety was a

big part of my life and and still is. Three that I needed to really improve communication with my husband, and so I'm grateful that I've been able to do that, and for just how beneficial a counseling session is and was, and realizing how much better I felt after talking to Laurie and Guy. I realized I really did want to continue this weekly and so I'm grateful to have a great therapist and to be able to have regular conversations. So thank you again so much. I'm so glad I

was able to talk to you both. So I keep thinking about the experience she described of miscaring while her daughter was right outside the room and wanted to come in, and then how she went to that recital. And one of the things that we talked about with her last year was how invisible this kind of loss is and how isolating pregnancy loss is. A lot of people don't understand the depth of the grief that you have because

people don't see it. You know, you lose a child, people say, oh, the child was here, the child's not here. But you lose a pregnancy, and you really suffer alone most of the time, and then when you go out in the world, there are those constant reminders of seeing relatives or just another woman in Target or the grocery store and she's pregnant, and it ruins your whole day.

She was talking about how important the emotional validation was for her, and I'm so glad that we were able to help her see that, yes, what she experiencing wasn't only normal, but it was important. It was important that she was grieving these losses. I agree, Laurie. And what really kind of pinched my heart a bit is that when she said that her conversation with us, despite her losses and despite talking about them with physicians and family, and her husband. It was the first time she felt

that all her emotions were validated. What really struck me was how many women are out there that don't get that, that don't have that experience, that are truly struggling alone, and no one is really malidating all their experiences and their feelings and their losses. It is such a difficult thing to deal with, and we indeed got a huge response to this episode because it's so common, because it's so isolating, and and it's so painful on so many levels.

There's the physical pain, as she said, the emotional pain they're recovering, nature of the uncertainty, the children you see around you, you're only child saying I want siblings, I want siblings, The impact on the couple's marriage. It just shows how important this topic is, and I am so glad we had the opportunity to speak with her. And when we think about the impact on the marriage, her husband was also going through his own way of dealing with the grief and the loss, and they hadn't really

been talking about it openly. They were both kind of trying to protect both themselves and each other. And I think this communication piece is so important, not only with her husband, because now they can talk about not only their options, but what this experience is like for each of them as they go through what is truly a roller coaster, as anybody whose experienced fertility challenges will realize.

But it's also good that she's able to talk to her daughter differently, because I think that there wasn't space before for her daughter to also grieve and have her sadness. And she said her daughter had some really big cries about not having a sibling, and I think it's great that she can sit with that, even though she has a lot of feelings herself around that, because it allowed for her daughter to then have some positive experiences of

being an only child as well. If you can allow for the sadness, if you can allow for the loss, if you can give that space, then her daughter can also make some space for and there are some good parts to this too, and she can hold the both and which is what we were asking Diane to do as well. I agree with that. And lastly, it's so good to hear that she's paying more attention to her anxiety and that she's even able to catch anxious thoughts and label them as such and see them for what

they are. And then I noticed that she's also doing a lot of reframing. For example, when she hangs out with her sister and the new baby. Yes, I'm sure it really hurts still, but she can see that I can enjoy nonetheless some of those cute baby moments even so, and that's really positive to hear, and that's not easy

to do. And I think the takeaway here is that when you get validation for your internal experiences and emotions, both externally from people who matter, but also internally, when you're doing that for yourself, it really makes it a little bit easier to deal with the challenges and difficulties.

And we know that this is going to be an ongoing struggle for her and it will still be painful, but because she's in touch with her feelings, she'll be able to express them and she'll be able to connect with the people around her and not feel so isolated. Next week, we're in session with sisters Sandra and Kim, who discover a family secret that their parents held for sixty years. I internally just felt like there's something that's not right here. We were asked our whole lives, if

we have the same parents. If you're enjoying our podcast, don't forget to subscribe for free so that you don't miss any episodes, and please help support Dear Therapists by telling your friends about it and leaving a review on Apple Podcasts. Your reviews really help people to find the show. If you have a dilemma you'd like to discuss with us, email us at Lorie and Guy at I heart media

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