Don't let the title throw you. We're just GRABbing some BAGs today. Wow, that somehow seems worse. Anyway, when was the last time you went head to head with someone about the art of squeezing toothpaste? While we're at it, when was the last time you read up about the art of getting hit by lightening? Put on your rubber soles and get yourself grounded for today's life lessons.
Pandemic or not. Masks or Face Shield. On The Rock or Straight up. It doesn't matter because DEAR POD is fully vaccinated and ready to celebrate its 2ND YEAR ANNIVERSARY. Join us in our "Way Back Machine" as we take another look at the outrageous, horrific, hysterical, gassy and entertaining past year that came to you week after week directly from the Maha'a Tiki Lounge in the beautiful Pineapple Ranch. Please put your seats in the upright position. The celebration takes off in 3 -2 - 1........
Umm. You're twenty minutes late. You keep interrupting everyone and your fly's down. Do you have any MANNERS? Well you come to the right place. By the end of this episode Erin and Patrick will have you saying please, thank you and apologizing for your ground shaking flatulence at the kitchen table. How lucky are you?
The tank is full. The tires have air. That weird pine tree smelling thing is hanging from the rear view mirror. Who's DRIVING? Not me. I need to yell at you from the passenger seat. But we definitely should do the drive thru at the Dairy Queen. I mean, what good is a car if you're not going to use it properly. Buckle up as we merge onto the highway of this week's episode!
GUEST ALERT! Pull out the rabbit ears and attach the tinfoil, cause today we are turning the knob, getting rid of those wavy lines and revisiting the wonderful world of TELEVISION. And who better to guide us through this magical world of game shows, sitcoms and TV drama? None other that TV's sweetheart: Betty White. Nope. Nope. My bad. It's MICHAEL KOSTROFF. Their breadth of work is so similar, you can see where one can make that mistake.
GUEST ALERT! Start dipping those microphones in sanitizer because the COMEDY clubs are reopening and God knows what toxic hell is coming out of that prop-comic's mouth. Joining us via Zoom is funny lady and host of NPR's Ask Me Another, OPHIRA EISENBERG!. Are Canadians funnier than your weekly church bulletin? Only one way to find out.......................That's your cue. Hit the play button.
Grab that last tube of toothpaste or anything gooey in reach, because today we are GRABbing BAGs. Would you go to a dinner party hosted by your husband's ex-wife? Can I just write an open letter to my children and hope that Ann Landers prints it? How long will it take during this episode for Erin and Patrick to talk about poop? Only way to find out is to put on your comfy shoes and come on over!
Get the bats out of your kitchen and that thirty something year old virgin out of his mother's basement, cause we're facing our biggest FEARS this week. Is Patrick too scared to make out with his co-host? Will Erin ever be comfortable around a dinosaur? Put on your comfy pants and belly up to this weeks bar of goodness!
Get in the car. Head over to Costco. Buy an oversized pie and some cheap wine cause it’s time to over-indulge as DEAR POD celebrates its 100TH EPISODE!!! Join us , won’t you, as we enter our new “century” direct from the Maha’a Tiki Lounge in the beautiful Pineapple Ranch! Batten down your hatches while we figure out why DEAR POD and peanut butter should not be refrigerated. Smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em!
Is this episode about fears or FRIENDS? Perhaps it's about lawn furniture. Doesn't matter. Because at the ninety-ninth episode and day three thousand six hundred and forty one of the pandemic, Erin has officially lost her mind. So, please join Patrick and Jules as we search through the Maha'a Tiki Lounge for what's left of Erin's sanity. God's Speed!
Get out your toupee tape because we don't want you to lose your WIG during this episode. Whether or not your hair is receding or proceeding, we here at the Maha'a Lounge believe that we can spot someone wearing a rug at twenty paces. So let's snack on some Thin Mints and Samoas as we apply a bit of spirit gum to the laces of this week's show and tease it high for all to enjoy!
GUEST ALERT! Don't you dare pay for that motel room with your credit card. Pay for it like any normal, cheating human being having an AFFAIR...in cash. No paper trail! Let's talk cheating spouses and uncomfortable romps between the sheets as film and television star STEPHANIE KURTZUBA visits the Maha'a Lounge and sheds some light on her roll in the cinematic hay with up and comer performer, Bobby DeNiro. She says he's shows promise.
Get our your Mercurochrome, Neosporin and Alcohol Wipes cause we are a bit ACCIDENT prone this week. While Abby deals with a husband who has a special agenda behind the drivers wheel, Ann deals with a husband who can't figure out how to clean his socks. All the while Erin and Patrick are trying to heal the egos of all the people whose names and faces they have forgotten within a week. Don't slip on the ice as you download this week's Master Class on Life.
GUEST ALERT! Things are getting hot, steamy and sexy in the Maha'a Lounge this week. While Ann and Abby blush over articles of love on VALENTINE'S DAY, Erin and Patty sweat and scream while, outrageously entertaining and oh-so sexy, NATALIE JOY JOHNSON straps one on and shows us all how to find it, rub it, slap it ride it...oh God...whew...that was great...I need a smoke. Get into Queen, cause here we go!
Happy BLACK HISTORY MONTH! This week Ann and Abby tackle head on or sometimes avoid the topic of race, bigotry and tolerance. In the meantime, Erin and Patty have absolutely no time for your racist, bull$hit, ignorant nonsense. With that in mind, let's all join the conversation. Except for you, Troy. Just sit there, listen and for God's sake, learn something.
Unless you live on your own private island, there is no way getting around the joys and drama of your NEIGHBORS. Are they envious of your color schemes on your abode? Does their potbellied pig make your cold heart warm up or just turn your stomach sour? Doesn't matter. Cause unless you move, you're stuck with the fact that their Christmas decorations will be up all year. So, chew on that, Spanky. And take a deep breath for another dose of cold, hard, ummmmm.........................stuff.
While peeing in a urinal, Michael Leeney turned to me and said, "My Dad is smarter than your Dad." What? What is that supposed to mean??? Why are you telling me now? Did I mention we were in kindergarten at the time? You ask me if I hold a GRUDGE? This happened over forty years ago and I remember it word for word! Pour yourself a big glass of Pedialyte cause our stomach lining is in shambles over this week's episode.
SOBRIETY. What a wonderful idea. Then a coup happens and all bets are off. Let's pour ourselves an O'Douls or a vigin margarita and see who is a lightweight and who can bend their elbows with the best of them. No judgement here if you just stick with Diet Coke. But honestly. After what happened this past week...I'm adding some Rye to it.
It's a New Year and a new GRAB BAG. Can a wife use her husband's karate classes as a reason for divorce? Can I divorce my husband if he has a crush on Ann Landers? Let's not jump to any rash conclusions. I think we should all sit up. Clear our throats. And sing through them. Yes. Sing through your throat and welcome to DEAR POD in 2021.
GUEST ALERT. Have you written your RESOLUTIONS for 2021 yet? No? Good for you! Did ya see what happened when you wrote them in advance for 2020. That's right. A knee to the crotch. But all is not lost DEAR POD Family. This week, Master Instructor at Peloton, the indefatigable CHRISTINE D'ERCOLE will be guiding us with hope, sweat, tears and the best damn playlist to get us through this new year. I Am, I Can, I Will, I Do believe that before this episode is over we will be raising a glass to you....
Ho Ho Ho and Hee Haw to You All! It's that magical time of year when we throw holiday parties and get mad at the smokers. Bitch about why we have to give a gift to our children's teacher, and shove cloves into an orange because no one has any better ideas. You better watch out because we have a SPECIAL GUEST calling in who is sure to offend everyone. Now, take off the mask. Take a deep breath in. Smell the firewood burning and give us a smile. It's CHRISTMAS at DEAR POD. Now, let's don our gay a...
GUEST ALERT. Let's shake out our hands and stretch our legs. Cause not only are we sending out HOLIDAY CARDS this week, we are kicking our legs up high with former Radio City Rockette, JULIE TOMAINO. Yeah that's right. We are going to time-step our way into your hearts. Kick-Ball-Change the sunshine into your day. Double Turn, Pivot, Step...CRAP...OH GOD...EVERYBODY STOP...I think I just sprained something.
This week, let's turn on the oven, get out the cookie sheets, prep the rolling pin and tell the family to, "Get the hell out of the house and leave me alone, because I am BAKING!" Milk will curdle, chocolate will be burnt and cakes will fall as we mix, whip and fold another weekly episode into this delicious holiday season. Get those chestnuts roasting, cause here we come nipping at your nose and raiding your liquor cabinet!
Quick question. Why did it take a worldwide pandemic for us to realize that maybe we shouldn't stand over a frosted dessert, blow out BIRTHDAY candles and then serve pieces of this breathy, saliva covered treat to our family and friends? This is just one of the hard hitting, professionally researched questions that we will most likely ignore on this celebratory episode of DEAR POD!
Whether you hop on a Peloton Bike or visit your local Lucille Roberts, you're going to have to shed off the extra pounds gained on this THANKSGIVING. I mean, is anyone coming over this year? Are we going to eat this entire meal ourselves with no other guests? Are you telling me the house will be calm? No fights with Uncle Lou at the dinner table? (wiping away a single tear) Pour me a Specialty Cocktail because Pandemic Thanksgiving just carved a place in my heart.
GUEST ALERT. OK. Let's move the sofa a bit more to the right. Now, I would like the main feature of this room to be a six by six foot picture of my dog dressed as Benjamin Franklin. I really think a piece like that would make a bold statement. What ever your tastes, this episode about HOME DECOR still doesn't answer the question why the shag carpet was invented in the first place. Perhaps our special guest and design guru, CHUCK RAGSDALE, can skillfully thrown a nice designer blanket over the ar...
Not only will I GRAB that BAG but I will take everything off of that shelf and put it in my cart. We're off the rails this week because husbands are barking at dogs, salesmen are renting girls and Erin and Patrick are mainlining Super Market Sweep into their veins. Clean up on Aisle three, cause here they come!
Another year. Another ELECTION. A lot more than mud has been thrown around these past four years. Whether you're an 8th grader running for Class President or a President who acts like an 8th grader when running for re-election, let's put our differences aside and agree on one thing. The holograph of Robert Kardashian could be the thing that saves us all in 2020. God Bless You and God Bless the United States of America!
Get into your Cocktail Waitress costume and a different type of mask this year, cause it's time to celebrate another go at HALLOWEEN! Do we give kids candy this year? Are they coming to our front door? Or do we just buy a slingshot and fire a Baby Ruth at them? Let's pour ourselves a nice, stiff glass of Witches Brew and figure out if we pass out colored pencils or hand sanitizer this year.
GUEST ALERT! It's not so much that we see dead people, it's just that they just won't shut up. This week, as the Ladies take on questions regarding PSYCHICS, Erin and Patty welcome Psychic Medium, ANGELINA DIANA, to the pod. Candles are lit. Mind is clear. If anything starts to float in the Maha'a Tiki lounge, we are outta here! Now, I predict that you will goto patreon.com/dearpodofficial and become a member. It's true. I saw it. Get going. I can wait.
