Good afternoon, everybody, Good morning whenever you're listening to this podcast.
Hi Hi, Hi Hi Chelsea. Ye So Chelsea, I know, I just got back from Mexico with two of my girlfriends, and I know, for me, there are certain people that like I don't even want to spend a whole day at Disneyland with, but I like them. They're my friends, these couple of girls I have a great time with. And I'm curious for you, because you travel with people
all the time. What do you think sets apart somebody that you know you want to travel with or you know will be good to travel with, versus someone who won't be.
Well, you can't be annoying first of all, you know what I mean.
Like, first of all, you have to be self sufficient and be able to be on your own, Like when you're traveling, you can't be dependent on the other person the entire trip, Like there are moments that you need to stop and chill out, like go to the gym or read a book for an hour or whatever.
So that's I think one criteria, Like the.
Neediness, you know what I mean, You're already on vucation together, Like you don't need to do every fucking singles thing together.
But it's different if you're on like an active vacation.
Or if you're like at you know, like like when I'm at my house in my Orca and I bring people or invite people in, like we're usually together as a group doing stuff. For the most part, it's random that people are doing their own thing unless you bring two wrong groups together, which I've done.
And then yeah, so I don't know. I think it's always nice to just mix big groups. I've only had, I honestly have a had.
Maybe I could count on one hand the bad combo platters I've put together on trips. It's happened once recently and then one year. Yeah, my birthday trip was just a hot mess and I invited all the wrong people. Oh no, yeah, and I just was like fucking paying for it the whole time because everyone was not like into each.
Other, not clashing.
It was just like I just I just hadn't planned my birthday until the last minute, which is the way I do things. So I invited just I randomly, and it wasn't the right group.
It's it's hard to find a group of people that are all going to gel together.
But it's not.
Actually like, if you're not an asshole, you can pretty much get along with anybody for a fucking week. That like, unless somebody is really riling you up and going off on you, like I'm sorry I've been on.
I mean, I don't.
Go on other people's vacations very often. I'm gonna be honest for that reason. So I get it that is a thing. But I also think when you are at someone's house, like you do behave yourself, you know what I mean, You're not gonna have arguments with other people or not get a wrong with other people.
Like I wouldn't do that.
I would figure it out and make it work for a week, to be a good house guest.
I take a lot of pride in that, which is why I don't do.
It very often, right, So I prefer to arrange the vacation and bring people along. And I mean, I guess your family's the only one that everyone can be Like our family, you can be a dick, and.
It's fine to say can happen, but we don't.
Fight, Like I only fight with my sister in law Olga about politics like everyone else in our families on the same page. So I just have to withdraw from her, But we don't fight as a family, And I guess we're pretty lucky that way, because you do hear about a lot of you know, discord within families. But there are some people that I've definitely left vacations early when I've been in a situation where I'm like, uh oh,
this is not this is not what I was in envisioning. Yeah, And speaking of people to be on vacation with, I have vacation with our guest a couple of times. He and his wife and their baby came with me to Whistler one year for a ski trip, and then we went on a trip together overseas, and I think we've been on one other trip together anyway. Yeah, he's somebody that's good to travel with. I mean when they don't bring their kids, let's be honest, you know, I don't need I don't need that.
I think parents need to go get away from the kids too.
Yeah.
I have a good gay couple that I could I used to go everywhere with, like my boyfriend and I met him. This is years ago, this couple, Kevin and Brian, and we went on like eight or nine vacations together. Work trips and vacations and that was a great.
Combo, right Yeah, and then did they ruin it by having a kid?
Yeah, they had twins, so I haven't been on vacation with them since. Shout out to Kevin and Brian.
And today's guest is my very old, dear, hilarious friend who is married to another hot mess.
Right, and that's Jenny Mullen who guessed back in June of twenty twenty two.
Mister Jason Biggs.
Hello, Hi, Hi, high Penis face, what's up cot? Welcome to the podcast, Jason Biggs. Jason Biggs is a very old friend of mine. We have had many, many, well humiliating experiences together, isn't that right?
Jason?
What is your fondest memory that we have experienced together. Let's not start with most humiliating, because well I know what mine is, but we're not going to talk about that on this podcast.
But what's your fondest memory of us as a couple?
Hold on, I need to know why did want we talk about yours? I'm curious if our is actually sync up? Also, my fondest could be the most humiliating. Those those also might sync.
Up, right right?
Well, I think our fondest If I was going to encapsulate the fondest memory, there have been so many. I mean, I'm sure I've forgotten half of the times that we've spent together, you know what I mean.
I have a tendency for forgetfulness.
Jason actually has a better memory than I do because he doesn't drink like I.
Do so anymore any anymore? Right right, right, Like you said, old friendship, I mean, we go back to.
The pre drinking days. Oh yeah, yeah, when things were really jumping off.
Yes, exactly. In fact, I have to say I'm really impressed that we've maintained such a wonderful friendship even in my post partying days. I mean, there are people in my life obviously that knew me pre sobriety. But I just feel like nothing's changed with you and I, which I love. I feel like, if anything, our relationship has gotten stronger. I feel like I've seen a lot more of you. Weirdly, since I moved to New York in a certain in a certain way.
Isn't that funny?
Isn't that funny how that happens to You have friends that live in the same city and then you rarely see them and then they moved to New York, and then you see them every time you go to New York.
One hundred percent. Well, it's great. Will you always give us a heads up when you're here, which I love. I think that's fantastic, and we love seeing you, and we love when you pay for dinner. It's great. But I think there's one memory that I'm constantly reminded of online, and it's usually from haters. It's never in a positive light,
even though for me the memory is just wonderful. Was on that incredible boat trip that you very generously took Jenny and I and a bunch of your other friends on, and I may have urinated on you while you were swimming in the ocean.
He yeah, he did urinate on me, and which I obviously do not care about, because any parent knows that urine is urine, and I consider myself a parent.
Any parent worth their thoughts has been urinated on.
But this was more directed at me, like it wasn't an accident and I wasn't changing his diaper.
He actually I was.
I had jumped off the boat and he was about to get in the boat, and he just started peeing on the ocean and then just peed on my head. And I was laughing so hard because it was so stupid, and someone recorded it. Jenny had recorded it.
Yeah, Jenny was recording it, and then Jenny posted it of course, kind of laughing so hard. I'm pretty sure I ended up doing just like in the clown's mouth at the carnival game. I think I got you right right down the game. And then it was crazy a balloon up on top.
Of your Yeah, yeah, I pulled my ripcord and so then then I floated off into space. It's like when you go Ellie skiing, you have a parachute on your back. Anyway, I'm not scared of urine like most people are, I guess. And so Jenny was like, can I post this? And I said, sure, who cares? And then now to this day, I get Republicans going, You're a dirty who allowed yourself to get urinated on instead of seeing, instead of seeing the wonder full humor in the situation.
What's interesting is that Jenny asked you if she could post. She never asked me.
Yeah, exactly. Well, I'm sure you're not getting that. Are you getting a lot of Did you ever get a lot of backlash for urinating on me or a lot of prey.
Yeah, no, no, no backlash. I'm saying I still to this day, and You're right, it's hugely across a political line to a certain person that will write in and just remind me. I'd say, once every couple of weeks, I'll just see something in my mentions Instagram and or Twitter where it's like, yeah, never forget, you know, hashtag never forget you peed on Chelsea's face. I mean, it's just an every time I read a comment, I chuckle.
I do too.
Actually, I think to myself, what was I thinking allowing someone to post that?
And then I think to myself, again, who gives a shit?
Who gives a shit? There's so many memories though, Chelsea. I mean, you know, it's interesting. Jenny and you go even further back, obviously, and I met Jenny in two thousand and seven, and I think I met you pretty soon after meeting Jenny. I mean it was in those first couple of months. I mean, shit, we were married, like after knowing each other for a few months. But I think right away we started hanging and you had you just got the E Show. I think you were
maybe like first season or it was early days. I mean, and you were like killing it, and you were doing all these wonderful trips and parties, and we were very lucky to be included. We had some great times. I mean, the boat trip was for sure one of the one of the all timers. But you know, I'll still run into people that were at your party in Cabo, like randomom people that I have, and they'll be like, you know, Chelsea, don't you know. I was like, yeah, I know, Chelsea
were friends. She's you know, we've known each other a long time. Yeah, I think I met you in Cabo at her party. I said. There were so many people at that party and I was so fucked up that entire long weekend. I mean, yeah, so many people I saw naked by accident, slash on purpose. A lot of people I did drugs with and I didn't think even did drugs.
Yeah, a lot of nudity all around the one of the great highlights of our scuba diving trip, which is the one we were referring to where the urination episode happened. Jenny and Jason are very bona fide scuba divers. They have spent a lot of time underwater. Are you guys master divers?
Not master we are advanced open water we actually haven't done in a few years. But no, that's really are you a master diver?
Did you get your you saw my performance diving? I'm not anything. And first of all, they have to take out the word master diver. I don't think that works anymore either. It's like master bedroom. If you have to be a primary diver.
What about master bait. Do we have to change that to primary bating?
No, because that's totally different and there's a U, so it's not the same thing. But I did masturbate this summer. I went when I was in my Orca. I went on three dives because Sophie, who you know, my good girlfriend, her sister Alex is a real diver. She dives all over the world as well, so she was coming to my Orca and I was like, she wanted to die, and I said, sure, let me get you know, warmed up again.
So I went on three dives.
But Jason was there when I went on my first like eight dives because the French Polynesia trip was like we would go on two dives a day, so everyone was diving and it was my first introduction into diving, and I had probably the closest thing to a panic attack that I've ever had, which was being underwater, seeing a very large shark underneath my feet, and then my cousin Mollie grabbing my ankle to show me the shark.
So the two combo platters of someone grabbing my leg and then looking down and seeing the size of the shark that was underneath me, which was easily eight to ten feet, I immediately just couldn't understand what.
I had to go up. Yeah, I had to go up. I thought the shark had me. Then I saw my cousin.
I tried to kick her underwater, which anyone knows that doesn't work. And then this are one of our divers that we were, you know, with two guys were helping us right for the whole group, and there were ten of us, and one of the divers came right over to me because I couldn't clear my goggles.
I was starting to kind of hyperventilate, and.
He grabbed me by the shoulders and he just started gesticulating the breathing like to calm down, like breathe in, breathe out, and he was holding my hands and I was looking into his eyes and I was like, I'm I'm gonna fuck this guy, you know, like he just saved my life and he's calming me down, and this man, I'm going to have to show my love by penetration afterward.
And afterward.
He we did the rest of the dive, holding hands while Jason and Jenny were giving me the finger underwater, telling me I was such a.
Baby and I had an underwater boyfriend.
I was excited, like I was like, Okay, this is my underwater boyfriend. And then when we get up, when we got up from the sea of life to the natural world and we were above water, he took off all of his contraptions and I was like, oh, I'm not gonna fuck this guy. Like that was we if we were going to have sexy, which would have been.
Underwater, the goggles did a lot of worse. Yeah, so that was a bullet dodged.
But also, you know, one of my typical signatures ailes of behavior.
Someone helps me and then I feel attracted to them.
Yeah, yeah, oh my god, that was that was kind of amazing. Meanwhile, speaking of sharks, I forget how this came up. Chelsea was talking to Jenny about this great white shark dive trip. Chelsea, I believe it, found out about it, had spoken to someone who was involved in this charity. You could basically pay in. It's all charitable.
Like a scientific research trip. Yes, that you could kind of tagleong for.
Yeah, And Chelsea was like, I'm doing this, do you guys want to go? This was after I think the Polynesian trip, so she was super into the diving.
And we Gaudalajara, I believe, right somewhere in Guadalajara.
You go on a science boat.
Yeah, if you leave from San Diego and you go out to this Guadaloupe island.
In Guadalupe, I knew it was guad.
Yeah, it was a guad. It was a guad and one of the Yeah, it's this big great white.
Short one of the gus, one of the gods.
Yeah, it was a big great white shark breeding ground. And Chelsea got us in We're like, oh fuck, yeah, we're definitely doing that. Chelsea's like, cannot wait, this is going to be so awesome. And I don't know in my memory it was. It was a couple like we had planned it for a little while and it was a couple weeks before the trip, we had booked our flights, everything was a go. We were flying out, we were gonna stay with Jenny's mom, who lives in San Diego.
We had a bait. SID was really little. Chelsea talks to Jenny or me or both. It was like, yeah, I don't know what I'm thinking. This sounds awful. It's a twenty four hour boat ride out to this island. Again, information that we knew from the very beginning, but she just decided to not let it didn't absorb, and so she's like, for.
The record, no, no, excuse me, for the record.
I just want to say I don't look at details about things until they come closer. So whether that information was available or not, I don't I'm not contesting that, but I am going to say that I wouldn't have been privy to that information until it came closer. And then I start to look at details, and I start to look at pictures of where we're staying.
Right on a science boat.
Yeah, this is not an excuse, Chelsea. I mean this is again, all of this information was readily available months and months prior when we got When you got us excited and By the way, Chelsea and I live in different economic brackets for sure, but it wasn't a small lump of change. I mean, this was like a nice donation to go on this trip. And She's like, I'm out,
I'm out. Did you guys see the boat? Like this is disgusting and it's a twenty four hour trip and the water's insane apparently, and where I'm out and what happened on our en? I'm like, wait, what really is this all going to fall apart? Jenny was like, Chelsea's right, I'm out too. This is horrible. I don't know what we're thinking. This is this boat looks terrible. So now she's gone, So now we're left. I'm like, what's gonna
happen in the end? Your cousin stepped up? Molly stepped up, and well, Molly was always.
Going, Molly was going always and and Dara, I said, Molly, you take a friend.
So Dara who you know?
Yeah, we are in.
My Orca with her this summer. We wait, Dara who used to work with me on my Netflix show. She went with Mollie was and by the way, did you did you end up going?
Yes?
Yes, such good friends Chelsea. We've known each other so long, and really.
I went there, so I mean, you expect me to remember moments I wasn't even there.
Fucking out, Yes, I went, and I ended up getting a friend to go, Like days before, I was able to find somebody because because Jenny was also like I'm out. I'm out. Chelsea is right. This boat looks like shit, it's gonna sink, and I don't want to go when we have we have one kid. I should stay back with the kid in case you sink and die. So I found a friend and it ended up being fantastic. Ours the best Molly and I. We had the best time. My buddy was great, Like, we ended up having an
incredible trip. It's a life highlight for sure. But yeah, it all sort of came together in a very Chelsea in way where it was like, this is the next big adventure. We are doing this, and we're all like yes, and then She's like, ah, have fun, guys out.
But also Dara was seasick from the time they left. I don't get seasick, but I think on this kind of adventure you might get seasick.
She was sick.
She lay in her bed and it was a bunk bed, a cement bunk bed.
So I was right not to go. I was right not to go because I.
Would not have been okay with that, Like I need the right pillow tops.
You brought Maxi pads.
That's what we just lend a whole bunch of Mexicans.
Jason always has Maxi pads on him always. Actually I prefer the term Maxi shield.
Anyway. Yes, that's a good story. I'm glad you brought that up. Jason.
I have a question for you because I know that you and Jenny just came back from one of your adventures and now that you're traveling with two small children. Well one of them isn't so small anymore, but they're technically smaller children.
They're not legal.
How is that going for you? Because it looks crazy.
Yeah, at the end of every trip that we take with the boys, Jenny and I say with complete conviction to each other that we are never going to do it again. There is no way we can take them. It ends up being just not fun for us, and it's just a waste of money and time and energy, and we're never going to do it again. And then we're like monkeys touching the electric fence.
You know.
A couple of weeks later, we're like, where should we go next. I will say this last trip that we took, we went to Dominica Republic on their spring break. It was the first time that it felt okay. We were hopeful, like there weren't too many major inconveniences because of their age, because of their fighting, because of the time and all that. It was the first trip where you go, oh, okay, I think we're maybe on the other side of it.
But you know, fully, once I'm sure where it's going to the next trip we take is going to be a disaster. It's hard. I mean it's very hard. But we, like you, we love travel. For us just like you, Chelsea, I believe we have this in common, like travel is the number one thing in our lives. It is how we learned, We want to learn. We're curious people and we love doing it, and it's it is where we spend our money. It's our luxury and we like doing it.
And like we always said, we were never going to let the kids get in the way that and there for the first couple of years though, you know, we would still we were still what we should have done. I think was sort of edited. The kinds of trips that we took been a little bit less ambitious. But out the gate we were like, no, we're not going to not go to Europe, Germanys. We have kids now, fuck that. But in the end we probably should have just went to Nantucket, you know, or the shore like
we would have had fun. It wouldn't have been as big of a put out for us in every way. But I think we're finally on the other side of it because our boys are now both I think at an age where they're you're seeing their curiosity about the places we go to. They're better with jetlag obviously that that was always a huge part of it, and I think they're getting better. So I don't know. I'll keep you posted. We're going back to Europe over the summer, so we'll see.
One other memory before we get started is for anyone listening, because I know the Ayahuasca episode is one of the most popular that I did for the Chelsea Does series.
That was with Jason's wife, Jenny.
So the woman in that episode, along with my other friend Dan, was Jenny, and Jenny had a real epiphany, but she also had a very like emotional reaction to the ayahuasca. On the first night, and I'll never forget us.
We were in Peru, like on some tributary off the Amazon, and that night I'll never forget Johnny was just like all I could see she only had one baby at the time, Sid and She's like, all I could see is my baby and my husband and my baby, and how much I love my baby and how much I love my husband and how much I love my baby. And I was like, go call Jason and tell him, and she's like, she called him, and then she got off the phone and go, did you tell him how
much you realized you loved him? She's like, no, I'm not telling him that far. And I just thought that was so fucking funny. But of course Jason learned about it all because he was saw the episode.
But yeah, she doesn't want to give me too much and that would be that would shift the power balance and our relationship in her mind. Yeah, but it's so interesting that ayahuasca. Man, it really, it was just so profound for her. She came back, she was very clearly a changed person because you know she Yeah, motherhood for hers is a very you know she's got the weird mom, and she she was always afraid to be a mom and afraid that she couldn't do it and all this stuff.
And so that that specific episode, I mean, was hugely important and it was incredible. She came back. All the things that you're that, the positives you hear about ayahuasca, it all happened to her. I knew your experience was a little different, but for her, she came back and she was like a changed person, changed mom, changed wife, the whole thing.
Oh my god.
And I was like, this is amazing. It lasted about six months, I would say, and then it started to just peter out and then it was sort of back to square once. So I've been trying to push for her to go back to Peru some more ayahuasca.
Well have you you've never done ayahuasca? Have you no?
And I you know, I was already sober when you guys did that, And honestly, I didn't really know much about ayahuasca before that, So when it got on my radar, I was already sober. And I'm kind of conflicted about it. The truth is, like I mean, I saw it with Jenny, and I believe the science behind it that it does have incredible therapeutic potential, particularly with addiction and substance issues. Actually, and so interestingly ironically, I think it would be wonderful
for me. But at the same time, because it is a mind altering substance, I'm on this sort of it's a sort of a gray area for me as a sober person to mess with that. You know, I think everyone sober people I think that you would talk about it would all have a different answer about it. I think my sponsor, for example, would probably say, no, don't do it. But I'm weirdly open to the idea. But the fact that I haven't yet in how everybody was that seven years ago. The fact that I haven't yet
speaks volumes. But you know, now it's sort of the psilocybin, right, that's the new sort of version of ayahuasca. And I'm in the same boat with that. I'm like, I believe it's therapy to polic I know that I would benefit from it.
Yeah, right, I believe you would too.
I'm not as your you know, obviously, I'm not your sponsor, but I think you have the personality that's always like, you know, I think it's a growth edge drug ayahuasca. Not to speak to the psilocybin, because I feel like that could become a habit psilocybin whereas ayahuasca's kind of a one off.
Well, I never did ayahuasca recreationally. That wasn't in my repectation of drugs, whereas psilocybin was something that I would do to get fucked up a lot, exactly.
And ayahuasca is more of a therapeutic.
Even though psilocybin is in the way it's distributed, it can become more of a habit, whereas ayahuasca is just kind of like an experience. There are people who do it multiple times, but I feel like my experience lasted forever. Knock on wood, I still have the same feelings I had after I knew that it changed my mindset period for good with regard to my relationship with my sister. But anyway, okay, Well that was very entertaining Jason as usual.
I just love talking to you.
Oh and the other thing I love about Jason, which is why he's on the show today, is because he's very into therapy and he's very into talking about his emotions, and for a straight guy, I appreciate that. I think he's Jewish because he goes to therapy, but I'm always reminded that he's actually not Jewish because Jewish men are
so good at therapy. But Jason is very well attuned to his own emotions and talking through them, and so I thought it would be very nice to have a straight guye on to answer our callers questions, and we curated them towards you so that you will wait.
Okay, I love that.
Well, we'll take a quick break and we'll come right back with some callers, and we're back. We're back. Well, we'll start with a caller today. Aisha is calling in about a sensitive subject and we have to get her back to work. So she says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a thirty six year old woman married with two boys. My husband and I have been married for about a decade. He is the epitome of a good man. He never lies, he's actually incapable of lying. He has never yelled at me.
He respects my friends and family, goes out of his way to help anyone, and is genuinely one of the best people I know. Before him and I got married, we had each been in one other serious relationship. My first boyfriend, when I was nineteen, was the first man I'd ever had sex with, and he was much more experienced than me. The sex with him was amazing, but he was the epitome of a bad boy and didn't
treat me the greatest. My husband also has had only one other sexual partner prior, and that relationship he had was only a few months long. Needless to say, he was very inexperienced when we got together. The sex between us has never been great. In the very beginning, things seemed promising, like it might get really good, but as time went on it was the same old, lackluster routine. I know they say you have to teach your partner what you like, but I don't want to have to
train a man. There's nothing sexier than a man who knows what he's doing in the bedroom and just takes full control. I've never had an orgasm with him, and as the years went on, we've just had less and less sex. We'd attempt it occasionally after having kids, but i'd have to stop because nothing was working and I would just completely shut down. We're to the point now where we just don't have sex at all. I have zero romantic interest in him, and I can't even will
myself to want to kiss him. I long for the days of my twenties when I was having incredible sex and the feelings of just not being able to get enough of my partner. I'm now in my mid thirties and I crave to have that relationship with a man again. I find that the only pleasure I get comes from masturbating thinking about the sex I had with my ex. How do I get the romantic feelings back from my husband and how do I get a great sex life again?
Please help? Sincerely, Aisha, Hi, Aisha Hi, Chelsey, Hi, Aisha Hi.
We have Jason Biggs as our special guest today. Say hi, hi, Hiisho.
I'll jump in first because I just want to say, you owe it to your partner to express these things and to try, and it is your responsibility in a sense, to teach your partner what makes you feel good. It is because you're in a committed relationship and there's no way that he's going to figure that out without you verbalizing it. And as unattractive as that may sound, you're married, you've been in this relationship for sometime. You owe it to him to give him a chance to understand what
you're expecting or what you need. Obviously having a no orgasm and not having great sex is a turnoff, right, But how can you expect him to know anything unless you are communicative about it, and you know a sex therapist will be able to give you the language to use if you don't feel like you know how.
To say these things to him.
Okay, Like, you can't give up on your relationship unless you give somebody the tools to improve and then they can't do it, then then there's a you know, you have to kind of overturn all of these things before you can give up on someone. I would say, I mean, if you were dating him for a couple of months, sure fucking say good bye.
But I think don't you owe him a little bit more than that?
No, I agree, as if.
I just find the communication part very hard because he's not a good communicator. So whenever we do try to communicate, it's always like I put myself out there and he doesn't really know how to respond or how to fully community. Like we've already gone to like marriage counsel and I got couple's therapy, and even like the therapists. We started out together and then they recommended that we do individual sessions as well. Like, even the therapist had trouble getting
him to communicate and open up. So it's just very vulnerable for me to put myself out there and then not get anything back.
Did he remain in his individual therapy.
Not very long.
Even the therapist was like, we're not really getting anywhere because like he really doesn't know how to communicate.
This is a very common issue among men, FYI, So you know that, you know, I know a lot of my friends who deal with the same thing.
I mean, obviously, sex is hugely important in a relationship, especially in a marriage, but I do believe you need to sort of exhaust every option obviously before you sort of raise the white flag here. It's a bummer to
hear that he's not a great communicator. It's interesting because you talked about how could a guy he is, But I really wish there was a world in which you could both commit to Does he understand just how important an issue this is to you, Like, how much has been conveyed to him in terms of how you specifically the sex issue, how important it is to you, and how much it is an issue. Is he aware? He is aware of it, right?
I mean I would like to think so, but I guess we haven't really had that full conversation. But I mean at this point, I mean, I couldn't even tell you the last time that we had sex.
It's probably been years.
We'll start with that.
Yeah, I think you need to start with that. I mean it's and not in a threatening way, obviously, but I think he should know that you're in a really bad spot. This is something that's incredibly important to you, and you're not You don't want this relationship to end. He's the father of your children, and you guys obviously he's a great guy and you guys have something clearly. But I think you need to let him know just
how really difficult this particular position is for you. And if there isn't movement, then you don't don't know what sort of to do from there. He needs to know how sort of dire it is, because it is important. Jenny and I fight. I mean, we've gotten into some real fight. We'll go we joke about it, but the truth is we'll go stretches without having sex, and sometimes the sex is just whatever, And but we know that
the potential is there. We just have to find the way to talk to each other and let each other know what the issues are. I really think you should try to make him go back to therapy, and if he doesn't want to do individual again, like then the two of you go back to the Chelsea mentioned a sex therapy. There's marriage counselors, but then there's ones that are more specific to sex. I think would be really good for you to look into. I can really tell
from your letter. But assuming that you want this to work, I mean, are you kind of at the end where you're just going I want to be done with this and I don't know what to do next, or do you want this to work out?
No?
I want it to work. I mean we have two kids.
I mean it's not something that I'm just going to walk away from, and I mean I definitely want to put in the effort, you know, to make it work.
Yeah, well then I think you need to put in a little more effort. Yeah.
A good person to listen to just on your own first and foremost is Esther Peril. She's like the great sex therapist and she has a podcast and she talks about this exact thing with couples and when their sex dries up and they don't have any spark left, and
that sounds kind of like where you are. But I don't know if writing an email to your husband or sitting down and talking to him, which whatever you think, would have a greater impact, but really laying it out, because the only way he's going to learn to communicate, obviously, is with your communication. I know many men that are like this, and you have to say, this is exactly
what Jason saying. This is getting dire. I'm starting to think about maybe we might not make it unless we start to cultivate some more sexual honesty between us, and for me, that involves having pleasurable.
Sex with you.
If you're interested in that, we have to work to revitalize our relationship.
We have two kids.
I want to stay married you, but I don't want to live like this forever.
So it's not a threat.
It's just an honest assessment of where you are and maybe therapy and time. But really focus on the sexual therapist. Like getting a sexual therapist. These people are skilled and well versed in how do you get the ball rolling again and communicating Because even if your husband's a shitty communicator in real life, he could be a great communicator.
In your sex life.
There are different compartmentalizations that people have, and once they learn the language and get the vocabulary, they're excited to be able to use that vocabulary.
So you could still have that.
You know what I mean, Like, you could still have a good sex life if you put some effort in.
There's a possibility of that.
You know, there's no guarantee, but it's worth exploring more and focusing on that aspect of things rather than maybe.
Going to couple's counseling.
Since you guys already try that route and it didn't work out, I would say you didn't have the right counselor, and it's worth trying again. But first and foremost, I think you should address this issue because you know, having sex with people.
It is always going to bring you closer to that person.
Yeah, and Esther also talks a lot about how when you're more comfortable with your partner, like you talked about at the top of your email, the more comfortable you are and the more safe you feel. Sometimes like the sex get it fizzles and it gets less hot and less hot. The more comfortable you are with them. So she has books and she's got a podcast, so I
would check that out as well. I think one other thing to point out is this conversation that you're gonna have with him about like this is something that's really important for the continuation of our marriage. Is something that while it doesn't seem like there's a huge risk of that because you guys aren't really having sex anymore, it should not come at a point where you've like tried
to have sex and it's fizzled. It should be like, hey, family meeting time, just you and me, let's talk about how we can jump start our sex life because this isn't working for me.
So that family meeting with the boys as well would be very interesting.
Exactly exactly.
We just had that conversation with my five year old the other day. Actually, yeah, about your.
Sex life with your husband?
Well no, no, no, no, no.
We were in the and he just randomly said, so, how do babies actually get.
Into the mom's bellies? I need all the information.
Maybe your husband just needs all the information.
It does.
Here's exactly what I want.
Yeah.
I could have said, well I used to know, but it's been so long I couldn't tell you, and.
I wouldn't say like I've never had an orgasm with you. I would say, like, it's been a while since I've had an orgasm with you, Like this is what it takes for me to have an orgasm, you know, Like do you feel comfortable with having this conversation with him?
Not particularly, but I'm going to force myself to do that. The only thing I'm really struggling with is once we get through this is like in my head, I always have this expectation that sex is just gonna be shitty, so I can never like initiate it. How do I get over that hurdle of once we get there and we're starting up again, like getting out of that mindset?
Well, you should tell him a that you want him to initiate sex, right, and you're projecting like your past experience onto the future, which does doesn't ever work for anybody. Because you can have a new beginning with him. You have to be present about what you're doing. Now you have a new approach. You're going to talk to him in an honest way that you probably have an exercise
for a while. So the result of that has the potential to be really great, and you should focus on that instead of what has happened in the past.
Okay, and just keep telling yourself. If you want different results, you have to act in a different way.
Your behavior now is going to be different because you're addressing it head on, and that's going to lead to different results. And that's what you have to keep telling yourself. Okay, all right, we'll keep us posted and let us know what happened.
Okay, we're back, all right.
I will thank you.
So send us some pictures of you guys having wild sex and I'll post thanks for you.
Actually, I'll have Jason post them for you.
Okay, okay, shaw bye bye, all right, well, good, we put a smile on her face. That's the most important thing.
MS.
Dude, all my Orange just escape to me. That's my therapy Orange. I know.
Hopefully this is the point where like she can get to the point where they're having great sex, like she talked about, like I was envision.
At this point because it sounded sex just any sex and men.
You know, Jason, your present company excluded because I doubt you're like this, But I mean, there are so many men that are not able to communicate anything, and that the idea of communication is so scary that they would rather opt out of the relationship than have to deal with it, you know what I mean. But there's also a group of men who, when put to the test and know that it's the end of the rope, will do whatever they can to salvage the relationship.
I think that was such a good point that you guys both made. Was so often when it's like, we haven't had sex in three years, I'm out, Like it's the person gets blindsided and they didn't even see it coming, when like she's obviously been feeling this way for years, maybe for their entire relationship. So having that conversation where she's like, I'm getting to the point where I want to raise the white flag is so important.
Yeah.
Well, our next caller is Gabriel, and Gabriel says, dear Chelsea. I'm thirty years old and disabled. I've been in a very lovely relationship with my girlfriend for the past six years, and for four of those we've been living together. I'm one hundred percent sure she's the one that's been settled. May issue is this all our family and friends ask when we're getting married and having children. Getting married will
eventually happen because that's something we both want. We just aren't worried much about it since we're in a great place in life right now. I take issue with the question about when we're having kids. My girlfriend and I are sure that we don't want kids for more reason than one. Some are personal, some come down to the fact that we just don't want them. Comments at least toward me, are always made about how I'm very good with kids and I must be wanting to become a dad,
when in reality, I don't really like kids. I'm good with them because they're just that they're kids, but it doesn't mean I want them for myself. I find myself not knowing how to answer this question anymore without sounding like an asshole or what others claim is selfish. When asked why I don't want kids, no means no. Even with a seemingly harmless question like this, it does get very annoying, and I'm running out of things to say because to some folks, I don't want kids isn't enough.
Thank you all for listening. I hope you can tell me what to do, because I'm starting to think just walking away from the question is the way to go. HI Gabrielle.
Hi Gabrielle, Hi, gabriel Hello, how are you guys, Eri Gabriel That's Jason our special guest today.
Jason Biggs is here, so you have a straight mail to lean on as well as the two of us.
Straight ish Finally, Nice to meet you man, Nice to meet you, Jason.
What would you like to say out of the gate on this one?
Oh boy, Yeah, I actually really want to hear what Chelsea has to say on this. I think it's more. I think it applies more to her. I mean, my situation is this, I always wanted kids. I married someone who was not as gung ho as I was, you know, and so there was always a bit of a disparity in whenever we would answer this particular question for starters,
but also when just our general approach to it. As time started going by, and we've been married for multiple years, we didn't have to sit until we were married almost you know, eight or nine years, anythink, But eventually Jenny sort of Jenny's big thing was fear. The reason she didn't want to do is because she was afraid she would be a terrible moment. Because she didn't have a particularly great moment right. I think that's sort of my
psychology one on one on the whole thing. But there was a part of her that sort of knew why and knew that maybe she should over try to at least overcome that fear. So I saw an opening, So I definitely was trying to kind of push it a little bit more. Ultimately we did it, We got to that place, and she became a different person as a mom. I mean, we talked earlier in this episode about Jenny's
yahuasca experience. She for the first few years and even to this day, sometimes she's like, I don't what am I doing? Was this the right thing? But I shouldn't say was this the right thing? She knows it was the right thing, but she still questions, you know, we all anyway. My point is she's on the other side of it now, and it's an incredible thing that we have the kids. So it's a little different, I suppose, than where you guys are in that you're both on
the same page about this. That's the great thing about your situation, I think, is that there's no disagreement, there's no difference in the way you guys feel about the issue. So that's wonderful, Chelsea. I really want to defer to you on this, like what are your.
Thoughts on I think that you should come together with your fiance and develop a united front answer for each person. People just don't have any original ideas to talk about. So when they know that you're in love, they want to know when you're getting married, and then they want to know about kids because that's just the way that society has been built. So the best way to just confront that, or you don't have to confront I guess it's more of like, you know, you feel like you're
on the defense when people ask you that question. I mean, I know that I've been asked that question, even as public as I've been about, you know, not wanting children.
Not that I don't like children, I don't.
It's exactly what you just said in your letter. I'm nice to them because they're children, but I.
Don't want them. I don't want one of them.
And it's a newer idea culturally, but it's not a new idea. There are plenty of people that have had children that shouldn't have had them, that didn't want them, that thought that they had to have them. So a simple answer is we don't want to be one of those people who regret having children because.
We both just don't feel the urge that's good.
And having people try to convince us otherwise feels really unfair to an on board child, you.
Know, That's really all it is. Like I'm I'm someone that's really happy with my life. My girlfriend Santa, she's great. She We're both really in great stable areas in our lives. We love what we do, and like it's just for one like she has for reasons. I have my reasons.
For me.
I know as a disabled person that I cannot have kids, Like I know that, and that's such a thing that's like not very common with guys, and that's like spoken about, like infertility, it's not very talked about. And I think that's kind of really frustrating in my case because I'm like, I can't have kids, and then I get the.
Oh, you should adopt kids.
I'm like, you're not listening to know. I don't want exactly the whole experience, the kind of like how Jason said with the fear at the same time. At first, I think it was the fear, but I think in my case, my fear is kind of in a selfish way, because I have an amazing mom, but as the years passed, and like with diabeties, I know her life is kind of ending. And as selfish as it is, like this
is something like I hold to my heart. I don't want to bring kids into this world and them not get to meet my mom and enjoy her, because my grandmother was a huge part of my life and I only got to enjoy her for eight years and that like crushed me. And I'm thirty now and every day I remember her. I try to keep her present in
my life. But at the same time, I'm like my girlfriend always says that she just doesn't have the desire, and like, I know that I also don't have the desire because I've never, like, like I said, I'm good kids. I've babysat a lot of kids. I've actually even delivered a kid. Eleven year old should not be delivering kids. I was an eleven year old delivering a kid. Weird experience. I know, I was like, WHOA not for me? So
that's another reason it's cool. My friends have kids. A lot of them kind of bug me about it and like just even know is like they just won't take that they bring up an excuse, but maybe Siena does. And I'm like, I know, I know Sienna doesn't want them.
But also you don't owe anyone even an explanation, you know, And I'm a good way to shut it down is say, listen, I've experienced enough difficulty in my life being handicapped. Like my experience is enough to take up a lot of space in our room. We don't have room for a child. That should shut people the fuck up right away.
I'm only four to four great, Yeah, I'm really short, so I'm only going to hold my kid for two months and then I'm gonna be like, all right, well.
You're my size. But I also, Gabriel, I think you should run with. Dude, I think you should run with. Next time someone asks you, be like, have you ever delivered a kid? And when they say no, you'll be like, I have, I don't want to do again. I'm done, peace out. Just drop the like I literally get delivered a kid on them. I feel that's your trump card.
Yeah, and then you can transition to that funny story, you know, like it traumatize me enough, like I can't handle it.
Yeah, it was too much for me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, we just gave you three options to shove people the fuck up, So I mean just write all three of those down and that way you can fire that off anytime somebody asks you the question.
And I will say, as someone who's been married for a long time, you know, assuming you guys go the long haul, there is a point at which it stops being cute, like people think it's cute to ask you in you're having kids, to where it's awkward for them to ask you if you're having kids, like after the ten year mark, they're like, well, if they wanted them, they'd be having them already, or there might be some trouble going on there that they, you know, can't get
pregnant or whatever. People make their own assumptions just like they do assuming that you might want kids. So it does get a little bit better.
Yeah, that's that's really what I'm I'm I'm hoping for. Like it's just very I think I'm in like a generation where it's in the middle of a transition area where younger folks want to not have kids and women and guys are just kind of living a more free life with like older folks. So you got to get married, you got to have the kids. And so I'm kind of like, I enjoy my life. I like to smoke my weed. I like to enjoy my Dodger games. I
work with homeless veterans. I help house them, so that's like a job that I absolutely love in a door. I have a dog, I have my precious partner. Like, I don't need anything else. I'm fine, I'm happy, We're happy. Can it just kind of stop there. It's just a little frustrating and overwhelming, the constant, constant, constant. It's like, damn, y'all, pull the funk out.
Yeah, totally.
I say this, though, for what it's worth, I would assume that it's better that it's coming externally as opposed to within the relationship. The fact that you yeah and she or on the exact same page about this is such a beautiful thing, and that's what's ultimately going to get you through. You know. It sounds like you've got a lot, a lot of things to be happy for right now. So yeah, it's a bummer that this kind of weazy down a bit. But I hope there's a like Catherine said, I think it'll subside.
I sure hope so I'm looking forward to that, like I know, marriage and all that stuff. Eventually, it's something we want. We've talked that out a million times. The kids stuff as well. We're just we kind of as bizarre as it is. I think that was kind of a turn on which she was like, Oh, I don't want kids.
That's not bizarre if you feel that way and you find someone that's like minded, and a good idea is when you do get married, a great announcement to make your wedding is that we don't want to be asked about children because we're not having any.
Yeah.
I love that.
Well, Gabriel, thank you so much for calling in. Let us know how it goes next time you tell a gory story about delivering a child at eleven years old.
All right, thank you guys so much. I appreciate your words. Thank you.
Take care, Gabriel. I have a good one.
Delivering a baby, and I was going to ask him that, but I was like, shit, I didn't know how much time we had.
Yeah, I have more questions than answers after that, You're right, I'm not gonna lie.
Yeah.
Well, Grace says dear Chelsea, my husband of a couple months now, who I truly adore, follows, likes and views what I call first trap influencers on Instagram, Twitter and TikTok. I'll admit they're super hot, but you know the kind. It's almost like watching porn or being on only fans all day now. As a single guy in the past, I'm sure he did this prior to our involvement or marriage. Totally fine, and in fact, I promote healthy porn watch in and out of a serious relationship. I myself partake
in such pastimes. For some reason, this feels different. When does it become too much or not acceptable. I'm not a twenty eight year old with great tits and a smoking ass, but I do know he finds me attractive, and I also feel pretty damn sexy myself. I mean, hell, I do me. He doesn't have many followers on his accounts. He seems to just use these platforms to follow sports, politics and these naughty girls. We aren't friends online ourselves,
and I don't sneak looks at his dms. We have a great sex life and I feel loved, seen and appreciated. Why do you think I feel sad when he quickly scrolls past and tries to hide these bang and ask girls, just wondering what your thoughts on this are and maybe how to express this to him without seeming incredibly insecure and tell him it makes me uncomfortable? Should I worry? Or is it not a big deal? I'm on the fence all my love, Grace?
What do you think of that? Jason?
She said something at the end there about how do I say this without seeming insecure? What's wrong with seeming insecure? Cure? I have two thoughts on it that kind of fight each other. The one is I don't think it's that big a deal. Hi, baby, big career? We're talking?
Baby? Is that you?
I'm getting text?
Could you be a little bit quieter? By too long to hear me?
Jenny? We need your advice on this.
Okay.
So we had someone Collin who said that her husband, who she loves very much, follows a bunch of thirst trap type people on Instagram. He follows politics, sports, and thirst traps, and she's getting insecure about him looking at these photos of women and she doesn't want to come off as insecure, but she doesn't know what to do because it makes her feel uncomfortable.
Well, I just go on, Jason's going to delete anybody. I don't want him following.
You're right, right, okay, so that's one option, that's and Jason never notices.
That really interesting block them. I still feel like I follow a couple now, well not for law.
For him though, are like pictures of like Hooney on a bit of ripes.
That's true for real, it's true. No, but hold on, I do think Look, it's the porn issue, right like, even when the sex is incredible, but more discrete about well, that's my thing. He needs to either chill the funk out, be more discreet. It sounds to me like she's trying to find it a little bit. No I find baby, do you see who I find?
Like?
Don't you see nothing that Sarah Foster always does when she sees that, like Tommy like likes a photo of like some like, well you don't like it, well, first of all, don't be an idiot.
Don't like the photos you can follow it, don't post all right, don't.
Come all over the.
I love you, love you.
But my other thought is there's nothing wrong with being honest and also showing your vulnerability and your insecurity. But like, come on, say it like Hey, dude, I if I was the guy and Jenny came up to me and it was like, you would not castrate me, and I do do it.
I do follow.
Booth in everybody, this is what's happening at their house.
I do. There are a few people I follow. Shut my door.
So I can follow some more. Okay, I feel like you need to.
She needs to tell him that it makes her feel icky, and I think that's fine.
Yeah, she should be honest with them. She should be honest with them, but with the understanding that it's like he's not doing something wrong. In my opinion, it's if you make him feel like he's being accused of doing something wrong. It's how you phrase it. If you make it about yourself. This is This goes for anything in the relationship, right you make it not you?
Not you are making me feel insecure. It makes me feel insecure. I'm insecure and this doesn't help my insecurity.
Not you make me insecure, which is such fucking bullshit. When someone says that to you.
Thank you, that's it. It's a It's a subtle but incredibly huge difference. And that would be my approach.
Maybe the ask is, can you follow those gals on another count, so like you can look at that in your private time, so I don't have about.
That now when you have private stuff and it's like it's not private, It's not like he's having an affair.
He's just looking at these accounts.
Listen, when I start dating a guy and I see that they follow a ton of celebs accounts and they're not a celebrity, I'm grossed out.
I'm like, what is he doing? You know what I mean? Like gives you that? Not in an insecure way.
I'm just like, wait, why is this guy caring about so much about celebrities if you're not a celebrity?
Like, the whole point of dating somebody that's not a celebrity is that you don't want to deal with that whole world. Do you want to have a life independent of that?
So I can relate to it in a certain certain degree, Not as in a jealous way.
I'm more of a turned off way, like what are you doing?
But I think when you have insecurities, it's okay to express them as long as you're not accusing the other person of making you feel And then see how he responds to that.
That's it. See how he responds might go, oh god, and look joking aside, I follow some pages on there that I'm not particularly that that are a little voyeuristic and weird that sometimes then we'll post like sexy photos of people. Well I don't follow the sexy accounts, but they'll sometimes be reposted on other accounts that I follow. Sure, but here's the thing, like he doesn't have to follow them, Like if you treat it like porn, dude, you want to go to those pages, go check them out at
another time when you're alone. You don't have to be sitting there scrolling and have to so that she's just unfollow and the next time you want to see someone's boots, whether it's on a porn site or an Instagram follow, go and do it in privacy. To me, it's an easy fix. But I do believe if she approaches it with vulnerability, I think there's no reason he shouldn't react.
And also he may get defensive in the beginning. But if that happens, see what he does, how he responds instead of reacts, you know what I mean, Give it a little space to see how he responds to your feelings being heart or you being insecure, about something, because in a loving relationship, the other person should worry about the other person's feelings and you know, making sure that they're okay.
Yeah, and you're not asking them to like get what is this to give up? I mean, at the end of the day, day, it is like compromise, right, is the key to relationships at the end, it's like compromise and communications. So at the end of the day, if it really came down to he needs to not follow a couple sexily clad models on Instagram, then like, who cares, dude?
Yeah. I also like, I don't know that it's a big I mean, I feel like a.
Girl, it's not a big deal. It's not a deal breaker as all it is. It's not a deal breaker.
Yeah, But ultimately you have to decide. See, that's the thing. I don't think it's a big deal. You have to kind of see, like whose needs need to be met more? You want to meet both person's needs. But at the end of the day, someone may have to bend a little more, right, right, Yeah, And we don't know who that person is in this situation, but I can see either one of them needing to bend and it's not the fucking end of the world. If you need to unfollow a couple of people to keep your marriage.
Intact, Yeah, follow them and need to tell.
Him to look at them in another room and you're not aware of them, then fucking deal with it like it's something it has to be at some point.
Okay, Jason, just calm the fuck down. I need to. I have to, Okay, obviously, I just we're gonna be right back. We're going to take a quick break. We're gonna take a quick break and we'll be back. Okay, bye, and we're back.
We're back to wrap up with Jason.
To wrap up with Jason Biggs. Everybody, what a delight, Jason, what a.
Just primary baited during the break.
It's called white humor. It's called white privileged humor. You guys. Okay, Jason, thank you so much for being here. I love you so much, Love you so much.
Chelse, thank you for having me. Catherine, so great to meet you. Likewise, You're the best, Chelse, Love you guys.
Okay, take care, have a great day Banks. Bye.
Okay, guys. We have added more shows to my Little Big Bitch tour. I added another second show in Toronto, so I have two shows in Toronto now to December seventh, December eighth, December ninth, I'm in Ottawa and two new shows. At December fifteenth, On a Friday, We're doing a seven thirty and ten pm show with Kevin Hart and Friends that's in Thackerville, Oklahoma.
And all my other.
Shows you can buy tickets for at Chelseahandler dot com. I'm starting my tour backup on September twenty ninth in New York City at The Beacon, which is sold out, but the next night there are tickets available September thirtieth at the Beacon. So for all fall dates you can go to Chelsea handler dot com for tickets and you'll see me.
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com