Sherman Oaks SVU with Chelsea + Catherine

had done last year, So she says. I added a link at the end of this message to a video that I apparently recorded when I got back from Greece and was so stoned that I forgot I made it. I started to record again, and my friend said, why are you doing that again? Taking a break from weed definitely worked, and I'll be taking more regular breaks. I have still not been able to get my hands on chocolate mushrooms, which you also recommended to her or she

was curious about. Thankfully, my new job is infinitely better than my previous job, and I haven't had a panic attack or needed Xanax in a while. Yes, thanks again for such a cool experience, Katie. Great. I'm not even sure how we helped her, but it sounds like she's doing great. I couldn't get her mushrooms. I remember she lived in the Northeast, right, Yes, and she didn't know if mushrooms were legal, blah blah blah. But she stopped

taking xan X. That's good. I always have to taper my zan X because when I travel, especially, I love I fucking love zan X, but it's not good for you, and so I can't take it as frequently as I would like. Yeah, so I'm going to actually share this video with you. She's she's very stoned. She's very very stoned. So quick video update her conversation. And after fifteen days off and smoked my first joint. As you can see,

it did the trick. So she took a break from weed or she did it, and this is her first time back, her first time to take smoking it again. That's how I looked when we did my interview with Ben Bruno. Good work, Katie, good work. Way to go. I mean, and you know what, now that I've tried the chocolate mushrooms, they were a very chill experience, like I felt them, but not in a way that I didn't feel like I could be having a cocktail at the same time sort of thing. It was not overwhelming. Yeah,

they were very light. I felt like it was just a good time. Like you said, it's very giggily. I noticed the lights were a little bit strong. When I went inside. I was like, wow, those lights are so bright sort of thing. But really I could feel when they tapered up and when they tapered off, like at the end of dinner. Basically really, yeah, did you take the gun? You took the chocolate or the gummy? Those were light? Yeah, I doubled up the next side. I took two. Yeah, and I felt it then, but one

was mild, So yeah, it was perfect. So we went to a party that was out in the valley and a friend of ours had some mushroom capital fun mushrooms coplets or capsules, well capsules, but I think it's something that they made at home, like measured out thing. So I had said to Brad, did you like ask him how much is in these? And he said no. But I was sort of thinking they might be a micro dose in there, right, So I tell brand I'm like, well, you have to find out is this a good time

or is this like a micro dose? Like we just need to know kind of what we're getting into. But he refused. He was like, no, you can't ask about that stuff, or you're from your drug dealer. Was like, this is not a drug dealer. It was like a friend from He's like, well, I'm not going to text in that, Like that does make sense to me. You don't want to put that in a text message or like you know, He's like what if he doesn't know

the measurements. I'm like, but he'll know if they're like one is a good time or five is a good time? You know what I mean, what do you think about that? As far as like asking, Oh, I mean, I'm always the person that everyone's asking because I'm a is the one doling out the drugs and everyone's like how many milligers? I'm like, who cares? You're fine? But I actually took mushrooms on Vancouver Island and I had a terrible reaction

to them. But I was so jet lagged. I think it was the jet LaGG because I don't ever have bad reactions to drugs. And I was like, wait what, Yeah, yeah, I think it's fine to ask who cares? I mean, I mean, yeah, you sound kind of like a pussy but I mean it's good. Yeah, you're okay with that, So you just want the information. So exactly, I'm someone who researches something to death before. I like, yeah, I see, I'm that's what I'm the opposite of whatever you are.

I know what, if somebody hands me drugs, it could be a stranger. I'm like, this isn't gonna put a dent in me. You know. That's how I feel. Although I've become a little bit more of a lightweight in recent years, so I guess I'm just transitioning into a elderly lightweight person. Well, and also right now there's a lot of like scary ship and drugs out there. Yeah no, no, you can't do cocaine. You can't do like ecstasy. They put in all this stuff like sentinels and everything, so

you can't really and no one knows how much. Like apparently that was what killed Tom Petty. Is he had gotten I think some sort of pain killers or something like not crazy drugs, just like some sort of pain killers from the internet, and they had fentinel in them. Oh, is that what happened? Yeah, that's I was. Once had a friend's birthday party and Tom Petty and his wife showed up or his girlfriend as a surprise to the

birthday girl, and so weird. So he was so weird looking, you know, in person, you're just staring at him, like, what a strange looking man? Yeah he is kind of yeah yeah, not strange, I guess isn't the right way to say it, but maybe different than you'd expect. Yeah, strange to me. Was there anyone who you've ever met that really you got star struck? Probably Tom Cruise because

he's like bigger than life. I was walking out of my agent's office and he was walking into my agent's office when I was at c A, and I was like wow, Like I just couldn't even believe him. I was like, WHOA like it, you know, because he's like so ridiculously famous that you're just and then he was the cloth Chelsea, you know, like very intensely looked in my eyes, and I was like fun of him and Gaty Holmes like on my TV show. So I was just like, funk, I don't want to even add this interaction,

like please be nice to me. So Luke was our one straight guy who called in Oh my god, yes, token is of everyone. Yes, exactly. He called it on on a Faris episode and had a friend who was dating a girl who was pretty controlling, and he didn't know if he should confront his friend about this. I think the advice was, we've already sort of mentioned in a few times, you might need to lay off because

it's sort of his choice to make. But Luke followed up and he said he actually ended up getting engaged. I decided to follow Chelsea's advice and not bring up his relationship to him again, and I let it go. It's tough to stand by and watch, but at the end of the day, it's his life. Luke, Oh, oh, yeah, there you go. Yeah, well that's the right thing. Yeah, I think so. And also, I really firmly believe that from an outside perspective, you can never truly understand what's

happening in someone's relationship. And for example, I had a friend who I wasn't super like worried for her getting married to this guy. But someone that close friend of mine married who was sort of very vanilla ice cream, you know, like not offensive, but not very exciting, sort

of boring. I thought you'd get very bored, and like, now, several years later, she's very happy they have a family together, and she's like living the life that she wants, I think in in most ways, and so people do mature. Maybe this girl is going to mature and become a better partner. Yeah, you never know, Like, yeah, you could grow to like somebody after a bunch of times, and

your judgment over someone else's situation is just pretty invalid anyway. Yeah, or you know, they might get a divorce and and yeah, and then you can really lay into her exactly. Our next follow up comes from Marcus. He called in when Monica Patman was on the show, and he says, Hi, Catherine, I was just thinking about how I needed to update

you guys on what happened. He had a really conservative family, that orthodox what was it called, really orthodox family contemplating moving out, Yes, exactly, and we told him to get the funk away from his family. Indeed, he said, I did in fact move out, and it was super dramatic. Basically, my whole family turned their backs on me for a portion of time. I set firm boundaries with everyone, and Chelsea's advice was ringing in my ears to keep me

moving forward during the darker times. As of now, my family is not thrilled about my move, but we have a cordial relationship and I visit them from time to time, which I think is perfect. That was my commentary. Although moving out has not solved all of my issues and my roommates can be a lot to navi gate at times, in many ways, I believe the universe is forcing me to learn boundaries. I am incredibly excited and empowered that

it took the initiative and made this move. I do have mood swings and definitely depressive episodes alike, but I'm incredibly honored to say that I am alive. The feeling of quote living is not something I can say I felt for a long time. I feel like I'm a participant in my life again, and I feel hopeful for the life I'm creating. A main driver in this decision was the podcast, and I can confidently say, you guys change the trajectory of my life. I have a new therapist,

a new apartment, and a new lease on life. Best Marcus, Oh my god, home run Marcus. What a great update. Yes, I'm so thrilled for him, and like navigating roommates stuff is very normal. You know, that's all just the stuff you deal with in your twenties. But I'm so happy to hear that his family has already come around, right exactly. That's the best news. Oh my god, I love it it.

I love it. I love telling people to get away from their families and then they take that advice and then it ends up all good and moving in the right direction. Marcause I'm so happy for you. It's just great. It's just great. I loved that email. Almost moved me to tears. Well, Chelsea, should we get into some Oh yeah, we're not having a guest today. We're doing some episodes without guests to see how you guys like that. Yeah, I mean some guests are great, and actually all of

our guests have been good. I haven't had any doozy, No, no dud's. Oh I can think of a doozy. I'll tell you after. Okay, I can actually think it would I bet it is. I like having guests and I also like not having guests, so I'm hoping to either way. I mean, some guests are great, so they're worth having some. Some guests are good and some are great. Yeah, Julianna margulis Is our people are so writer die I think she already is our writer die so pleased. Oh my goodness.

Well let's take a quick break because we have to, and then we'll come back with some emails. Okay, sounds good. Let's go take a bath, and we're back. Setsy, very setsy. I just want you to know, Katherine before we get into today's episode, that I'm heading straight from here going to my ophthalmologists to figure out how to replace my eyes because I can't fucking see anything now after six o'clock. If I get a little stoned, I can't see anything. If I have a buzz, I can't see anything of

close distance is fine because I had lazy. But there's a thing you can get called mono vision, which one eye short and one eyes long. And I'm like, but that's a little dizzy ng it sounds so I have to go today to see what my other options are. And I'm hoping that I could just get an eye implant, just have them. I want to take Bird's vision and install it into my head that I'm gonna have Bird's

brown eyes while Chell see. Actually, I actually have one follow up that I wanted to share from Cat, and she wrote in and said, can you all, please shut the funk up about the Kardashians. If I hear an update about the Kardashians on another platform right now, I will shoot my ears out. Seriously, what the hell? All the best? Cat? That's so funny. I read this and I just couldn't stop laughing. I just love it. That's funny,

spinking of the Kardashians. I shot a SKIMS campaign. I used to make fun of the Kardashians, and now I'm working for one. Can't you can't escape them? No, it's ridiculous. You can't. You can't. And now their whole there's a new generation of them coming, So what the fuck? You just have to sit down and bear it. It's pretty but yeah, I hear you. I I can't believe it either. In like thirty years, north is going to be running for president. Don't even They're here to stay? Isn't her

name north Star? Northwest? Oh? I hope her middle name is Star though. I think that's great. My favorite these days, though, out of the Kardashians, is Court. She just seems really real, you know what. I feel like a bit and I like that, yes, but also like having just binge watched all of the Kardashians. She is somebody who like, I love this. This woman writes in about listening to Kardashians,

and now we're talking about that. Look what you've done. No, no, out of respect for the writer, let's end this conversation. As much as you want to talk about them, you have to save it for another episode. Captain. We have to be loyal to our viewers, I mean listeners. I don't know if you're fucking listening or viewing. And if you're viewing, please tell me how you're viewing, because we

don't record this for exactly. It is actually on YouTube, but it's just a still it's not the video's not out there, so you can watch a still photo while we talk. Oh that's lame. Yes, well, shout out to all our YouTube listeners. We had an email come in just like a day or two ago from Emma, and she was so sweet. She said, Dear Chelsea, my boyfriend of seven years technically a little on and off, but three years straight now broke up with me this week.

We've been struggling for a while, but working through it. I thought during our last disagreement he told me he couldn't do it anymore and that he's felt this for a while but didn't know how he could tell me he loves me but isn't in love with me. I'm blindsided and indescribably sad. Our town isn't tiny, but small enough we'll run into each other. I'm supposed to be starting grad school for a therapy program in a week and don't know how I'll focus. I'm afraid I'll never

move on. How can I move forward and heal? Because right now it seems impossible. Emma, Oh, that's sad, you feel, you're so sad. But first of all, you're going to grad school. That why do you think it's to The timing is as perfect as it could be. That's exactly what you need to do is go to grad school and get first of all, in education, in a higher education, and get a huge pivot in your life. He just told you he doesn't he's not in love with you,

like there's no other way to say it. The only victory you can have now is completely diving into yourself and going to school, focusing on yourself, focusing on your career ahead and grieving with it, but knowing that you have something else going on in your life. Otherwise you're just gonna sit at home and cry about this and be depressed because he doesn't he's not in love with you anymore. No, that's not an option. Yeah, give yourself a little bit of time to to feel this, Eat

some chocolate ice cream, do what you gotta do. But you know you're gonna meet so many new people, and not just you know, potential romantic people, but new friends. You're gonna have new experiences as you start grad school. I think you know she doesn't want that though. I know you're listening and you don't want new experiences. You want your old experience. But I'm here to tell you that this is a huge opportunity for growth for you

and that you are going to be fine. You are going to be okay, and you're going to get through this. And the first step is going to grad school. That's exactly what you should be doing. And you're going to run into him. Great every time, it's going to be easier than the last time. But you have to think of this as an ending and for that relationship and a beginning for the rest of your life. I love that.

I think that's wonderful, and it will get easier, like I think maybe not every day, but every week it just gets easier, don't you think it's definitely definitely Yeah, thanks for writing in Emma and all the best. Let us know how grad school goes. You know, when you break up with somebody and you kind of go back to all of your people, it's like very nice and you feel very grateful. You're like, oh, wait, I wasn't as present before. You know, when you're in a relationship,

you're never as present. But I don't like to think of myself as as that, you know, like I like to think that I am available even when I'm in a relationship. But when I think back about my most recent relationship, I'm like, oh, I was on tour, so that took up time, and then the other twenty percent was always with my ex boyfriend, and I'm like, wait, I had no time for any of my friends or

any of that stuff. So that's like interesting. And the other thing I am conscious of watching, like having awareness of now is like phases of grieving or getting over a breakup. Like once you have the vocabulary and you understand what's happening, you understand that the more distance you get, the more perspective you'll have and the more clarity you get when you're in such a state with somebody, and especially if the relationship dissolves, you're both not thinking clearly

at all, you know. And so when you get the perspective and you allow enough time because people people think time is bad, but like the longer that you have away, the clearer that you are able to see things and understand exactly what transpired instead of being emotional about it, you know. So it's nice to see the different phases of a breakup or grieving or whatever you want to call it, because you know, I didn't want to ever lessen. I didn't ever want to take a way like meaningful

things that I said I didn't want to like. It doesn't mean they're not true, right, I don't want to do anything to negate me being my best possible version of myself during this breakup. Being able to conduct yourself in a way that you feel respectful of is really great lesson to learn. Yeah, I mean, and it usually probably wouldn't come to a person until they're in their

forties because we're so stupid. But I really feel like, Okay, this is one way to conduct yourself, and it's the best way, and you're always you're not gonna have any regrets, and you don't participate in any Like I have a couple of girlfriends who read you know, they will go on someone's Instagram and then go to the other person's Instagram that they're photographed in their picture with to research

that person. And and these are grown women and they're my close friends, and I'm like, you guys, and they're like, we just need to know, we need to know, Like I don't, Like they don't. I know they don't, but they think they do. They think they're collecting information. That's their answer. They're collective confirmation. But I think it's good not to collect if formation to have a separation be a separation, Like you're now separate, and there's no reason

to be going doing those things. Not because they're childish, because that's kind of sounds judgmental, but it is childish, and it's better. It doesn't matter what that person is doing or thinking or saying about you. It doesn't matter exactly. And also, like you don't get the headspace that you would if you were just like giving yourself time away from thinking about that or thinking about it, but not engaging with that person their Instagram whatever. I mean when

you talk about as we mature, we react differently. I had one friend a few years ago who got divorced from her husband. They had been together for twelve years, married for five, and she actually went through her whole Instagram and deleted every picture of them together, and like, it wasn't a particularly nasty divorce, it was pretty amicable. But I was like, you, you can't just erase somebody from your life, you know. I think it's interesting when

people want to do that. Well, that's being angry or reactive or well, I guess you wasn't being reactive because it was after that, but it is being reactive. It's like, just honor the what it was. You don't have to erase it exactly exactly. But I mean, I think something that's totally undervalued is the value of giving yourself to space and time. Like people want to rush things. I

know I certainly do. I'm very impulsive, like I want answers and results quickly whenever I'm interested in something or the outcome of something. But that adult nous to give yourself space and time to actually reflect and digest and get clarity is like, oh, Okay, now, you know, I feel like a woman. Yeah, And it's a gift to yourself to be able to like give yourself that clarity,

give yourself time to heal. But also, you know, like you said, healing doesn't necessarily mean that you're like totally moved on for that person, or you're you know, you don't ever think of out them anymore, or there's no chance of getting back together. That's not what it means. Healing means that you get that different perspective and you can think about it differently. Yeah, right, right, right, Yeah, that's a good point to people confuse that word a lot.

What do you think about closure? Everybody talks about closure. I mean, listen, it's not fun to be like, you know, left in the lurch and not know what happened. That is not ideal. But I don't know how many closures do people need, you know, that's my thing. It's like, if you're broken up, you're broken up, do you need to break up twice? Everyone thinks that they want closure,

but I'm not positive that that's true. Yeah, you want to know what happened, So I think that Also, it's so nice to be with your family, you know, and be reminded of like the people that have been in your life forever and will always remain on your team and be It's very nice to have that familiarity with family, especially with my sisters, because you know, brothers are useless. My one brother, Roy is the sweetest thing in the world.

He's adorable and so loving and just a sweetheart. And then I have my brother Glenn, who's just an idiot. You know, he has no concept of how he is or cares. He doesn't care because he's fucking He just thinks he's killing it. He's a straight white male. Were saying over fifty that's the key ingredient. I mean, it's a different dynamic, Like it is nice to be around people who obviously they loved yourrects and they loved being around him, but they love being around you just you

you know. Yeah, oh yeah. I mean well that's it. I mean how many times can I say yeah, well, yeah, yeah. Family is great. Family is great. Everybody write that down. Write it down. Our next email, Chelsea, this is a juicy one. This is from Shana. Should I get my water wings? Shana's twenty nine. She says, Dear Chelsea, about eighteen months ago, a friend of mine ended an engagement with his girlfriend of many years. They just wouldn't have

been able to make it work. The breakup was super hard on both of them, and he feels bad he let the relationship go on too long. He's been talking to a therapist and believes it was the right decision to end things. He just wants them to be able to have closure. He recently contacted her to get the ring back, as well as some of his other stuff. Well, she returned his stuff, but not the ring. He tried to contact her about it and got radio silence. Legally,

the ring should return to him. Since the wedding didn't happen, the ring doesn't officially become a gift. But before he takes legal action against her, is there any way I can help him get the ring back peacefully? Shana? Uh? First of all, Shana, you better not let you if you're influencing him at all, Do not let him take legal action to get his fucking ring back. He just broke up with her. She's allowed to keep the ring. The ring was a gift when he gave it to her,

not when they get married. So you're letting him influence your thinking because you're a woman and you should know better. Do you know what I think? I think Shana is the new girlfriend. Yeah, obviously I thought I really had like a you're going to sue to get your fucking engagement right back? Who does that? Especially because like he

broke it off. And here's the big thing to me is Shana says he broke off an engagement with a longtime girlfriend, not girlfriend fiance first of all, but second of all, he let eighteen months go by without bringing this up. Eighteen months. That's too long, even if like, and I looked at the laws on this too. Laws

different differ from state to state. So some states have a law where like it becomes the woman's like as soon as she I love to research, Chelsea, I actually really do, but so you know, it depends on the state. It sounds like in their state it does legally revert to the giver since the wedding didn't happen. But if the wedding had happened it here's my my thought, if if he had asked within a month or two, maybe, First of all, it's not up to the man to

ask for the ring back. It's up to the woman if she wants to give it back, and any other man or a non binary person that has been proposed to and is returning a ring, it's up to the person the recipient of the gift, that's at their discretion, not the person who gave the gift. You can't ask for a gift back, you know what that's called. We're not allowed to say that term anymore, right, But and like, what are you gonna do give us your next girlfriend?

That's gross, Like I used engaged, just want some money back so we can go buy her another one. I know. I heard a story about that too recently, that somebody got proposed to his next girlfriend with his old girlfriend's engagement. Fine, if you need a deal, honor ring should just be taken out of the equation altogether. They seem it's it's a bit silly. Go on a vacation. Yeah, I'm gonna go to Bora Bora. I gotta figure that out. Every time I see pictures on Instagram of Bora Bora, I'm

just like, holy fun. I went there once with my girlfriend Sophie and we spent a week there and I was like, this is like a honeymoon. I'm like, this is what I was my honeymoon to be like my girlfriend and myself and just drank. Every time we came out of the water. They handed me a mango margarita because that would be the last thing that I drank they came. It was just it was heaven. You could be in that water for seven hours a day, and yeah, I gotta get back there. It's a long trip. And

I cried the day we left. There was heaven, heaven. Where is Bora Bora like Tahiti? Okay? Okay, just yeah, I know exactly where Tahiti is, so that's great. It's like French Polynesia. Okay, so that whole area. I think I have some research ahead of me when I get Bora or no, maybe that's by Indonesia Bora Bora because when we came from No, we came from Papiete. No, yeah, Tahiti. Okay, I happen to India. They take you? Did you go

to Bali? Yeah? That was cool, It's cool. It was interesting to see the two different sides of it, Like how there's like one side that's so beechy and rustic. I've just never seen that much pollution in my life. And the beaches. Yeah, it was all washed up, so the cut beaches were covered. I went for a surf competition. We must have been there at a different time because they were pristine when we went. Yeah, well, I think

parts of the island. But there's those big pires, right, it's not that what they're called, those of garbage in the ocean. And then they washed ashore so they had a massive My friend used to run that WSL so they had like a massive cleaning of the ocean thing where everybody in the same day went out to clean the ocean and get bad by sharks. Attacked by sharks. Sharks are everywhere now. I know. There's like a shark

app that tells you where all the sharks. Many of them are tagged in the Cape Cod area, and if you look at it, it's like what the entire ocean and to the ocean. Yeah, yeah, they're all up like in the northeast now because they're like, we like this better, and they're coming closer and closer. And you can say whatever you want about sharks not attacking, but they attack, and that's what's happening. They're fucking hungry and not attacks

just sometimes only when they get a taste for it right. Well, our first color today is West. West has a pretty crazy situation. West says Dear Chelsea. I'm a former foster parent who mostly took respite cases. One of my recurring cases were two brothers. They and all their siblings, aged zero to ten, were in and out of care. I became close enough to the bio parents that I would occasionally babysit the kids even when they weren't in the system.

The bio parents felt close enough to me to confide in me one day that mom was pregnant with twins. They wanted me to adopt the twins when they were born, because they had the common sense to know that otherwise they'd be in and out of the system too. After speaking with dcfs and my own family, I decided to

adopt the twins. This essentially involved letters of intent on behalf of the bio parents and myself that the babies would leave the hospital with me and the bio parents would have no rights to them, So there's legal implications here too. Long story short. Nearly seven months in, we found out it was all a ruse. The pregnancy was faked. This was truly mind bending, and I approached my work about time off to grieve. I had prepared space in my home and in my life for these babies, and

the sense of emptiness was profound. Their response was, we have difficulty justifying this extended time off because there was no actual death. The next day, I quit my job. I had already had some qualms about the industry, and it's been eighteen months since I quit, and I'm ready to go back to work. I'd like to obtain a position of similar title senior director, but I feel that the eighteen month gap in my resume will be hard to explain and mean that I need to settle for

a lesser position. How can I explain the gap in my resume without revealing too much information? I have no problem sharing my story when it's appropriate, but an interview is definitely not. Thanks for your time, hope to speak with you soon. Be well. Wes Hi, wes Hi, Hi, How are you good? God? How are you doing doing well? You guys look radiant. Thank you. I was gonna think I was going to say you looked ravishing earlier than well. I'm pretty hungry. So West, what that's such a fund

up thing to have happened. Yeah, it was pretty crazy, So they basically faked it for what to get you to give them money or pay Yeah, I mean that's that's the question. I get a lot. It's like why did they do that? And I think that one of the reasons why this is like such a you know, difficult, confusing situation, is like we didn't really give them a whole lot over that seven one period. I mean, we like gave them and their other kids presents at Christmas.

We would babysit. I mean like one time I bought them gas and another time I bought them groceries. But and they announced that they were pregnant. We had in our care. They're too oldest boys, and so I think, you know, it's one thing to fake a pregnancy, but then it's a completely different thing to fake a pregnancy with twins. So I think that they wanted to in their minds, they wanted to swap these twins for and they thought that somehow they were going to be able

to do that. But if the if the pregnancy wasn't real, then there was there were no twins, So I don't think they thought that. Yeah, and we talked and there's some like mental illness involved, and it's like a pretty sticky situation. Yeah. Yeah. The entire history of the family involves like DCFS, which is like the foster care organization, and the mother had trauma, the father, you know, had been incarcerated. So I mean, they're not rational, well adjusted people.

I mean, the children were brought into care for a reason, and are the rest their kids still with them? So, you know, I'm not supposed to know this, but I do because I had some contacts in the agency after I released my license. But essentially what happened is this is really crazy. Are not adopted yet, but the two younger sisters were the baby that I baby sat a

lot of the time. He got adopted. And then just recently, like a couple of months ago, we found out that that the mother is pregnant with twins actually actually like verified, like the system is already taken measures to bring those children into care once they're born. Wow, it is wild. You can't talk about a manifestation. Yeah, so what's your status with this family? You're obviously not in contact with them now, right, I mean, how do you really get

past a fake pregnancy? Yeah? Yeah, and you know they told us that like if any of their you know, other five kids came up for a option that they would like immediately make moves for that, and there were like a lot of like tearful phone calls and just

kind of integrating their family with mine. And you don't come back from that, like you said, and you made space in your life for them, Like that line of your email really stuck out to me, because you would, I mean you'd be planning baby showers and where they're going to sleep and and all these things. Yeah, yeah, we had this lovely nursery set up. It was so

much fun to do that. And even you know with their existing real kids, you know, we would always have the because you have to have supervised visits when your children are in care and you and you come visit them, so we would always have like all four to five kids in care meet at our place, and so you know, it was it was a place that the parents were familiar with, it was a place that all the kids were familiar with. So it was just like, yeah, there

was like the physical space. And then like I told my parents and all my family, like, hey, a weekend, expect one to like five kids and maybe a year, Like isn't that crazy? And like you know, it was just and then it turned out that it was all fake, and I'm so sorry. But let's talk a little bit about getting you back in the workforce, because I know you took eighteen months off and you have a pretty high level position, right, But did you say you rescinded

your license? Yeah? Yeah? Why I so? I love what foster care does for children, because you know, babies got adopted all the time, there's like negative babies. In the adoption space, there's a there's a deficit of babies. But in the foster system, there's just this overwhelming surplus. I think it's like four hundred thousand in the United States alone that are looking for homes at any given that

that's just children like needing care. And so my aunts adopted a lovely boy who they turned his rold around, and I became of age and career to support, you know, my own instance of fostering. Is it a different license in each state? But don't you need to get your license back in order to go back to work? No? Um, I think the license was for dcfs, right, like the

foster license. Yeah, Like the license that says that like you know, like you're capable and your your house meets all the requirements, and yeah, I think I mean in the last eighteen months. I mean, you're not the only person who's lapsed in employment, like I think you can There's so many things you can say. You can blame it on COVID. You can blame it on your family.

You had a family member who had COVID who got really ill, like you know, obviously don't get into too many details, but you can just make that the reason why you didn't work. Yeah, and even I think there is room to get closer to the truth of I had a loss in my family, Like you don't necessarily have to say death at a loss in my family, and so I took some time to grieve. And some people may ask for more information, but you can also just finish that sentence and you know, change the subject,

ask a question. One thing that I did find I did a little research on this as well, is for for example, for women who have a significant gap in their resume. You know, this study was done with like gaps of ten years for people who took time off to go back to school or raise a family or whatever. When they addressed that gap right on their resume, they

had a higher chance of getting hired. So I would say right there on your resume, even just say it, and then it might not even come up in the interview, Like it would be hard pressed to find an interviewer who's like, so, who died, Like, let's talk about it, talk about the grieving process, right right. Yeah, No, that's a that's a great point. I never thought about just being bold and out there with it, you know, because I want to be truthful to the point where you know,

I'm not lying. That just feels like the opposite of like what the whole point of taking off time was. But at the same time, like I don't want to like destroy someone's day with this terrible story. I think Katherine's advice is perfect. You get closer to the truth. I was just coming up with a blatant lie because but I think I'm wrong in this situation. And Katherine,

that was really good. Oh because your dad say you lost a family member and let people and if you know, they probably will think it was related to COVID and then we both get our way. Yeah, exactly, exactly, Yeah, definitely, And if they press that, you can invent a family member, just like Chelsea said, Yeah, totally just a little bit of fun lying yeah, and also focus on well, you're just talking about your resume, not the actual interview. Well,

that's what I'm nervous about. There are so many topics or conversations about how aggressive the workplace is becoming, and you know, bosses are demanding that people work in the office go back to the office. There's this conversation about quiet quitting, which is just basically acting your wage. And it just seems like the corporate hierarchy office environment in America hasn't improved in my time away. And um, I certainly hope that I'm stronger, but I think that that

environment still seems pretty toxic across the board. But you're still ready to get back to work. I would like to. I mean, my partner has a lot of like I hear a lot of his conversations, and I want to get back into those decision making meetings and I wanna I want to do the financial analysis, and you know, I wanna. I want to be a mentor and a leader again. M m, Well, it seems like you've really thought about it and had great thoughtfulness about it. You

sound like you really know what you're talking about. In terms of what it's good for you and the way you're gonna like perform the best. So that's positive and also, you know, focus on all of the things that you like. This is a great job interview right now. I feel like if somebody heard you talking, I'd be like, Wow, you're so capable and you have so many things to add, you know, and just your awareness is you know, impressive.

So those are the things you want to sell yourself on anyway, and not harp on the last eighteen months where you didn't work. It's like that gave me enough time to reflect and figure out and have like a laser focus of exactly what I want to contribute. Yes, that's powerful. Thank you. I didn't think about it like that. Thank you. Yeah, totally. Yeah, and listen back to this because everything you just said is stuff an employer would want to hear. Like, here's why I want to be here,

this is why I love being in corporate America. This is why it allows me to think creatively and problem solve and I want to be in there. Yeah. I think I could use that to my advantage and awesome, all right, let us know what happens. Keep us posted. Thanks by what a whirlwind that was our longest caller. I think a while it sure was. We learned about corporate America and here we are. Well. This is an

email from Marie. She's twenty six. Dear Chelsea, this is a long, complicated story, but let me try to boil it down. Impossible because I always end up going on and on. Five is years ago. Meet John in my hometown, San Francisco through mutual friends. We ended up becoming great friends. Six months later, John moves to l A. We keep in touch through texts and phone calls once or twice a week, occasionally visiting while with friends. July, this is

several years later. John invites me to come down to l A for six weeks to stay at his house with him. We gradually start hooking up. We spend the summer hooking up, but he's clear he only wants to be friends. He doesn't want to funk up our friendship, et cetera. I'm cool with us. By October, things get weird between us and we're not really talking anymore. A few months later, we start talking on the phone every

day for hours at a time. We'd talk in the morning, usually for an hour, and then again at night for a couple of hours. He invites me to come stay with him for a week, and when I get back to his place and have lunch, we immediately have sex. Oops. We spend the summer going back and forth between l A and San Francisco. September I held him move drive his ship from l A to San Francisco, where I live. We're hooking up all the time, but quote just friends.

It's been nine months. I'm basically living with him. Haven't slept in my own bed since early April. We say we love each other. He paid for us to go on vacation, looks and acts just like a boyfriend, but still he's not. He still won't commit. He's not sleeping with or talking to anyone else. I fully trust him on that. He literally doesn't have time because we're together seven I just don't get it. He says he's scared.

He doesn't know how things will end up, if he's going to move away, or if we'll just end up with our hearts broken. Is he wasting my time? I would literally marry this guy, but he still won't call me his girlfriend. So what does that say? I don't want to give an ultimatum, but I also need him to make a decision. Why would he want the cow me when I already give him the milk full girlfriend treatment for free. Last time I brought this up was a month ago, and he said he just wasn't ready

and couldn't give me what I want. Wunted, we ended up crying together and things went back to normal. Chelsea, please help best. Marie. Hi, Marie, Hi, how are you good? So you want to marry the guy that doesn't even want to acknowledge that you're his girlfriend? I mean, like I feel really strongly for him, Probably not marriage right now, but like I would like i'd be open to a full relationship. I don't understand like why he won't because

something's stuck in him. Something is stuck in him, and you're not going to get it by sticking around. You're not going to get him unstuck by sticking around. You have to lay down the law and say, listen, this is ridiculous. We're in a relationship. We have been, We're together all the time. I don't care if you're scared. This is now disrespectful to me. You won't even acknowledge

that I'm your girlfriend, and if you don't. If you can't, then that's fine, but we're not going to continue this way. And you have to be strong and actually mean that this is beneath you. You know, if you want to be in a relationship with him and he's saying no, this is beneath you, and you're lowering your standards and what you are going to get in terms of respect from people. You asked, is he wasting my time? And I think for my part, the obvious answer is yes.

I personally think that wasting someone's time romantically is truly a cardinal sin of dating. Like, I think that is one of the things that's really unforgivable because you are not only taking that person's time currently, but you're taking that person's time keeping them from meeting someone else, keeping them from healing, keeping them from going and having adventures, whatever the case may be. What do you think about that? Son? I agree with you again, Catherine, I agree with you,

Like I know you don't want to hear this. I understand that this is difficult because you're in a situation, but I'm I'm imploring you to get yourself out of this situation because as soon as you do, you're going to see things more clearly and if he's ever going to wake up and stand up and say yes, it's going to be because of your absence. Yeah, I just needed to hear it from someone who wasn't in my

life totally. What do your friends think about it? Are your friends like stick around, he's amazing, or they're like dump him? Yeah, well you can't dump him because you're not even in a relationship. I know. Well, they're like, you need to bring it up, You need to bring it up. And I feel like I waited until, like I said, I was waiting until I was ready to like really walk away, but I feel like that's not coming and I just have to do it. Yeah you

didn't then deal with it? Yeah, Marie, you seem like somebody was very level headed. You're very chill. And one of the red flags to me, because I was in a similar relationship, was you know kind of you talk about at the end where you cried about it together and and I you know, and that's not mocking at all, but no, it's like just this sort of up and down and will we are won't we end? Like he's

got these rules. This to me feels like somebody who maybe is thriving on the drama of it all and he is addicted to the highs and the lows, and all the highs are super high and all the lows are super low, and like maybe there's a little personality disorder going on, or maybe there's just like a bad boyfriend's situation going on, But that to me is kind of red flaggy. Is that what your relationship is? Like

dramatic and highs and lows? It was like two years ago and then the last like nine months have been really calm and like really good and honestly like perfect, aside from this whole thing of not having a label on it, which is like the one thing I'm asking you know, and it's not a lot, No, it's not. It's totally normal and that yes, yeah, honestly, just get away from him, break up and do it with meaning, and I guarantee you your life is going to be

incrementally better in three weeks, okay, three weeks. Three weeks You're going to start to feel the impact of making a strong decision and what that means as a woman and setting an example for yourself and for all of the people in your life that you're not a dormat, and that that what you're asking for is not a tall order for to be called someone's girlfriend is an everyday language that men, women, women and women men and

men everyone uses. It's not a big deal. So he should get over himself or he's not going to have you as his girlfriend. Right, Yeah, it's pretty something to do, so do it. Report back, Okay, let us know. I will, I will. I'm scared. Don't be scared. Be strong and your strong chooes like you have strength, go find it. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. By by by Guys. You know, I think it's interesting that she mentions ultimatums. I do you think that they ever work? It's so dumb. Ultimatum,

Like I don't even understand where that came from. You're going to do this or you or else? So stupid, you know. I think like the only time something similar to that has worked for me is like when I'm

giving it to myself. So it's like I in the past have been like, you know what if I still feel this bad in this job or this relationship or this friendship or whatever it is in two months or six months or whatever sort of the situation calls for and I will actually put this on my calendar, like get out of that situation if you still feel bad at this point, because like things get good, things get bad, like things change. But like I've given myself ultimatums, and

I think that's the only thing you can do. You can't give an ultimatum to another person. No, I mean it's almost like a way to state that the opposite will happen. And it's yeahs as soon as you say if you do this, you know it's gonna happen, right exactly. And if you just you know, like Marie, if you do actually just leave, it's not an empty threat. It's like, okay, well this is the boundary. You're not going to give me what I want. So it's done. Mary is going

to follow up with us. She's going to leave him, and then she's going to follow up with us. She better find it in her courage machine to do the deed. It's im houring to walk away from things. I mean, not in an arrogant way or like I'm the big it's empowering for your self esteem to be like this is not acceptable for me anymore, Like I don't accept this and you actually truly never know what good thing can come out of saying no to something that's not working.

I had a situation recently where I was working on a show. Brad and I were actually both working on a show. It felt like the right decision to leave the show because of a few different things that were going on and we had too many projects going on and whatever else. So we left the show, and I actually was able to find two people who are actually two of my closest friends to fill those positions and

got them all set up. And the very last thing, like on my last conversation with the hiring manager or with the manager of the show, was you know, the host of the show just wishes he could do this show with you. And as it turned out, the other show that I was leaving for had fallen through. It turned out to be a bad, toxic situation. So we got out of that and it turned into this situation I never could have realized where I got hired back

to the show. I get to work with two of my best friends who are brilliant at their jobs, and I get to like help on this on this show that I just absolutely love and like all the bad stuff there has gone away, So it just was like I could have never envisioned that this was a possible outcome, But like I got hired back with a better title in a race. I know things do work out like that all the time. That happens all the time. They do. Well. We have one more color today and her name is Joscelyn.

Joscelyn says, Dear Chelsea. I'm thirty six and I live in Austin. I made a career switch and became an esthetician a few months before I moved here February, and well, what a fucking time to move to a new city. Over the past few months, clients will come in, lay on the table for a service and just start trauma dumping. I've always been an and path and people have opened up to me a lot throughout my life. I value deep conversations. As my friends were gossiping in a booth

at a bar. I would always be found having a hard tart with a stranger. It's just who I am. Lately, though, I haven't been able to deal with the weight of the trauma dumping my clients tend to do. It leaves me exhausted mentally and emotionally. I have my own ship. I'm seeing a therapist, uh and have even talked to her about this. So it's difficult dealing with my ship and having clients who I know feel like they may

not have anyone to talk to. I usually go home and feel so drained that I don't want to do anything. I end up sleeping in they get nothing accomplished before work. I don't necessarily feel depressed, just bogged down and in a days of sorts. Do you have any advice on how to overcome this slump and get motivated to take action and filling my own cup before I get burnt out? All the best? Jocelyn Hi, Jocelyn Hi, Hi, how are you doing well? I see we both have beautiful curtains

behind us. Yes, it's a curtain podcast that we have curtains behind it because there's seven small people living back there, so we have to hide that for publicity reasons. There are So what is your line of work? I'm a medical estetician, right, I would have to say, listen, I think that job just that's what that job comes with, right, Like people are always going to come in there and

air their laundry. I think it's a matter of you getting your head in a different space about it and realize that you are serving a really important purpose in so many people's lives because that is when they do relax and they are willing to be vulnerable and discuss their problems, and that's a far better option than people not discussing their problems. While you don't want to be the recipient all the time because you your own stuff

going on. I find that when you're there for other people in a generous way, which is part of your job kind of you know, it's not written, but it is kind of like a tacit part of your job. I feel like that's going to give you so much comfort and feel you up as well if you have the right attitude about your being that you're there to help them instead of, you know, being annoyed by people's stories, which I can totally relate to. It's nice to flip

the switch and be like, this person needs me right now. Yeah, have you tried anything like that? Yeah? No, I definitely have been working on it and trying to set boundaries in different ways. It's more so the like constance of it. Like sometimes I'll have an hour facial and then a fifteen and a break and then back to back where sometimes it's all day of just hearing really sad things. And so I definitely know that I need to work on myself and changing my state of mind for sure.

Like I said in the email, I was seeing a therapist, but I fired her last week, so I'm looking for another one. Why did you fire her? I gave it four sessions, and every time I felt like I was the only one initiating any of the conversation, and there was a lot of lulls in between until I started talking again. And the last session with her, she confused me with another client and brought up someone else's trauma with me that I was like, I don't think I

said that, and so it was kind of awkward. Well, good for firing her. That's not a match. That's not a good therapist. So yeah, you should definitely find another therapist. But don't give up, you know, and listen, we all go through different phases in our lives. We go through happy spells and sadder spells and listless periods where you're

sometimes you feel super productive and sometimes you don't. But I really think if you can try and remember to be of service, to others in a sense, and that you're doing job like you're doing the Lord's work, you know, like think about it in that sense, take it seriously on that in that sense, and try and separate your

personal life from theirs, you know. I think sometimes hearing a lot of sad stories makes me feel realize how lucky I am and fortunate not to be experience and seeing those things, So there's that aspect of it too, you know, can shine a light on how different your lives are and how grateful you are to have the

life you are. Even if you're not in the happiest state right now, you never know, that could be just around the corner, and it's it is really an inside job to get ourselves to feel positive and happy and optimistic.

That doesn't just always come naturally. Definitely, Yeah, And I think there might be some things you can do at the end of your work day to sort of like literally and figuratively like wash that stuff away so that you're not taking it home with you, whether that's sort of resetting your nervous system by taking a shower or some people love to have lights, some sage and sage

themselves or whatever. But having some sort of a little daily ritual, even if it's just changing your clothes or taking a nap or whatever it is, to sort of separate those two parts of your day. Do you find it's a few clients in particular, or is it just all your clients or trauma dumping? Not all of them, but there's a study amount. Like my coworkers and I talked about it, like everyone's kind of going through it, and it is obviously with our job it is a

common thing. And then with the last couple of years and all the ship that everyone has been through, there's even more. Definitely trying to separate change my mindset and be more positive about it, knowing that I am helping people. I just feel mainly that I carry it with like you take it on. Yeah. Yeah, that will definitely be something to talk to your new therapist about, like how do I hear this and be present with them, but also like not have it affect me and like carry

it with me every day. There might be an opportunity for you to set the tone when you walk into the room, So maybe that's asking questions that have sort of like a positive basis or even redirecting like I'm so sorry that happened. So maybe let's let's talk about something positive. What's one of the most fun things you've

done or seen recently? You know, setting up those conversations even right from the beginning when someone walks in the door, of engaging them with what's something positive, let's talk about this, what was fun this week? What are you liking to listen to right now? And just getting the ball rolling, encouraging them to talk about things are excited about. No, I love that idea because I, like I said earlier, I've tried studying boundaries, I have tried redirecting, but I

haven't thought about the asking them. You know, it's a positive thing going on. What's something fun you've done? And so that's really great like first date questions or third date questions. Stuff that's like light and positive. But it's like gets the ball rolling, and it's very open ended and yeah, awesome, great, Well let's say try that out and let us know how it goes for you. All right, thank you so much, thank you. Ok, she's sweet. Yeah,

a medical asthetician. She was beautiful. It's so funny that whenever I go to the doctor, I feel like they're fucking trauma dumping on me any of my estheticians, not trauma dumping. But I'm always getting information. That's because I ask a lot of questions why, and that's your vibe. You're like, tell me all the things, all the things. Well, let's take a quick break and we'll be right back, okay, Chelsea, Yes, yes, yes, by Catherine, Hello, We're back. Excellent. That was so easy, Chelsea.

This is usually the part of the show where someone asks for advice from you, but I think since it's just you and me today, I think we can close with one last email that I got and I wanted to share this kind of at the end, but it goes with our theme today of breakups and makeups. Dear Chelsea, this is from Ariana. I'm writing this email to express my deepest gratitude for you as a role model. My X and I broke up in June, and because it was my deepest, most loving relationship yet it is now

my most painful breakup. I've gone through many periods in life where I was sure that I probably won't find my person, not really based on insecurities, but because I just didn't think there was a great fit out there for me. That all changed last year when I was swept up in love with the most amazing person I've ever met. We moved across the country together and went through rough patches and then had so much growth together,

all in a little over a year. Things were never perfect, but as the saying goes, love is all about hard work. In June, saying is that love is all about hard work. No, okay, anyway, marriage is all about hard work. That's accurate. That is accurate in June. He had the courage that I didn't to say what we both knew to be true. It just wasn't the right fit. We hadn't lived there long enough for me to have a solid group of friends,

and I had no family nearby. My mom flew out and helped me pack up, and just like that, my new life and all the plans we made for the future were gone. I'm still picking up the pieces of my life, finding a new job in a new place, but this is the only relationship that has reached this level for me. And just as I was starting to slip back into my pessimistic view of well, this is as good as it could get and it didn't work, so that's it for me, I listened to your podcast.

Hearing your hope and positivity for your future is healing a part of me. I haven't touched yet in my journey. Yuck, Sorry, I said, journey. We're all works in progress, and to hear you speak and spread love helps make this all a little easier. Ariana, m hmm. That's nice. Okay, well this is our clothes. Then you guys, thanks for being here with us today, and we'll be back next week. Yep, wish I will. Bye. So I am winding up my stand up tour. Vaccinated and Horney is coming to a

screeching halt at the end of the year. I have my last dates coming up, and these are the last opportunities. You have to also buy merch from the website Chelsea Handler dot com if you want vaccinating horny Captain's hats that say We're the Captain's now for women only, our t shirts for men and your family that say I'm sorry because they should be. I only have a few

dates left. Well, looks very Pennsylvania. Looks verry Pennsylvania. There, I said it, and then San Diego and Riverside, California, and then Baltimore, Maryland, and then my very last date is December sixte in Reading, Pennsylvania. If you are enjoying what you're hearing, you can subscribe to Dear Chelsea. That is our podcast, and you can rate us if you want. Yeah,

that's a great idea. It actually makes a huge difference for this podcast, for any podcast that you like, subscribing giving it a rating actually make a huge difference in who all we get served too, and helpfully spread the words Okay, yeah, subscribe and and and comment, yeah, and follow. So if you'd like advice from Chelsea, just send us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com.

Dear Chelsea is a production of I Heart Radio. Executive produced by Nick Stuff, produced by Catherine Law, and edited and engineered by Brad dick Art.