Okay, hi Catherine, Oh hi Chelsea, I got hello. Welcome to the studio. We're in studio together in Los Angeles, Los Angeles.
I love when we get to be together.
I know, I know, it's so nice. Ye and now that we sit on the same side of the window, especially especially not especially guys. I did an announcement on my Instagram a PSAs I like to call them about the words especially and espresso, that they do not have
exes in them, that they are s's. Actually, you know, there were a couple of comments about it's like, oh, that's being really racist, thinking about how different cultures use language and different educational systems, and it's a socioeconomic classes thing to say. I'm like, not at all. That's that is a thing that like white college educated people are abusing that word when they say especially, I don't.
Because I get it wrong. I got it wrong.
Did you say especially honestly don't remember? Well exhibit A. Then I mean it's just can tell anyway. Oh fuck, I.
Liked your regime regimen correction because I mean, man, I hear it all the time and it drives me nuts.
Yeah, so and then why is that not racist? Regime A regiment and or classes. If it's like it's like, no, you're correcting grammar or grammar should be used correctly and uniformly.
Yeah.
Anyway, I love language and that's my passion. And I have just announced new stand updates for my Little Big Bitch tour. Guys. I announced twenty five new cities. These are probably a lot of the cities people have been mentioning in the comments. I start out in East Hampton. I go to New York, d C, Durham, North Carolina, LA, Phoenix, Cleveland, Columbus, Pittsburgh, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Portland, to name just some. There are more. You can go
to Chelsea Handler dot com. I am on tour and I have dates coming up for the next three months and then more dates coming up in the fall. So those have all been announced. They're on my Instagram page, or you can go to Chelsea Hamler dot com. Thank you. My guest today is an old friend from Chelsea Lately Days who everyone will know. He's on RuPaul's Drag Race. He is the co host of The Drew Barrymore Show, and he has his own new podcast which is called
Hello Ross Ross Matthews. Everybody, Hi, Hi, Hi.
Who's there.
I'm so happy to see you.
Hi, cutie, Patunity, fresh.
And fruity, extra fruity.
What's up?
Where are you in?
La?
I am? Where are you Palm Springs?
No? No, no, we're We bought a house in Long Island, so we're here because we're starting Drew up again.
I thought you bought a place in Palm Springs.
So I have a house in Palm Springs. And then when I came here for drew and then married, wellie, he's faced in Long Island because that's where he works here. Okay, So we bought a house here and I love it out here.
Oh that's great, and so are you going to keep your place in Palm Springs?
We're back and forth. My brother lives there. It's like a compound, you know. My brother lives there with the dogs. He watches them.
Cute.
I love it. Congratulations, thank you.
There's so much to catch up on. And Hi.
By the way, Hi, this is my producer, Katherine.
Hi, Katherine, everybody.
Ross Matthews is here today. Hello, Hello Ross Matthews.
It is so good to see you. It has been too long, I mean, even though we did get to get together and have like a happy hour thing not that long ago. Yeah it was you remember, Yeah, I was there. You were there, Yeah, yeah, New York City.
I what barber? Were we at the famous Ritz Saint Regis? Saint Regis? That's right, what's that bar called?
I never remember? But they have the popcorn in my life there, remember that truffle popcorn that I have since emulated. I figured out how to make it so good.
We had a little reunion. It was Fortune and Jack's and Wellie Ross's now husband, and Joe Boy myself and we all went and it was so much fun and it was like a little Yeah, that was a really fun night.
I saw those pictures on the Instagram.
Uh they were on the ground. Well, Joe Koy and I have broken up. Ross. I'm sure that you've heard.
I know, I did hear. I texted you.
I know.
I love you both, and that one, that one hurt. I have to say. Did it hurt me as much as it hurt you? Hurt me more?
Maybe? I don't know. No, it hurt me. It was. It was painful. It was you know, it's hard to break up anytime, especially when you you know, thought you were gonna be with somebody for a long time. It's hard to like, go, wait a second, this isn't what I thought it was gonna be. That sucks, it's not.
Also, I think so many people invested in you guys, do you know. I think it was it was something we needed after the pandemic, and you know what it was still it was beautiful. It was beautiful for what it was and when it was. And I hope your heart is good.
Yeah it is.
I'm good now.
I feel a lot of I've healed a lot in the last couple of months. It's only been a couple months, but I feel a lot. I think now we were talking about this on another podcast. I have to say, like having the skills from going to therapy about how to deal with grieving and the end of a relationship and to act like an adult instead of like a kid is the best gift ever.
Too.
Like, I love the way that I have behaved, and I can't say that about many times in my life.
I've been there for some of those times.
You can attest to my bad behavior. But like, especially with breakups, when there's drama, or there's hurt feelings, or there's egos involved, it's so easy to lower your vibration and to fight nasty instead of taking the high road and always just being like, it's okay, it's okay. It didn't work out.
Can we go deep for a second, because I had a thought, Sure, I think grief grief, and I'm someone who's dealt with grief. Right, I lost both my parents. It's tough, you know, you have to learn that you've done that as well. I think grief is grief, whether it's a breakup or a death or a loss, it is. It is what it is, and I feel like the first time you really experience grief is how you approach it for the rest of forever, you know what I mean,
until you do the work to change it. And so if you first experienced grief as a young kid, maybe you went back there even in adulthood until you learned how to navigate it correctly, and you did. It's the young kid. I think about that all the time, that you went through that when you're.
So yeah, that's true. Glenna Doyle said something like that. She had heard something like sometimes you recreate all of your childhood trauma to try and correct it and correct your reaction to it, and the ending to things, and yeah, I agree with that. I mean, the only thing you can ever hope for in this lifetime is to become more evolved. I mean, for me, I always just want to get more informed, more evolved, and become a better version of myself.
Right, Yeah, And you fuck it up the first time, in the second time, the third time, and by like the fourth time, let's get our shit together, right, And that that's kind of life. If you can buy the fourth time kind of figure it out, then you're you're on the right track.
And also, I think something that's really valid is having an interest. We were just talking to somebody who thought, you know, therapy was self indulgent or navel gazing or unnecessary. It's like, it is so important to be with somebody who has the capacity and the knowledge to be smart enough to understand that there are things inside of us that need to be examined, that there are you have
to self examine. You have to understand why you do things so that you don't hurt people and that you don't behave in a childish way when you're an adult, you know, like that's no funny.
You have to do that. But I think if you want to be in any sort of elevated relationship with yourself or with anybody else that really can go anywhere, then you have to do the work. I mean some people are fine just sitting there, not examining things, not working it out. But I promise you and you're you know, I look at your growth just in terms of like your heart, just knowing you for how many years has it been now almost twenty years?
Probably?
Yeah, probably? You know. I see it in you, and not that you needed to, but I see a different version of you now, an evolved version. I think we all do, you know? And I love that you're so open about that dream. Well, I mean it's it is a compliment, it is.
I know you've been through some difficult breakups and now you're in a real happy relationship. How would did that work for you? That kind of arc?
I think you have to be grateful and sort of make such peace with whatever you've been through because it does sort of form who you are. And I have been able. You know, I met my husband, which is so weird to say, but my husband I met almost three years ago, and if I hadn't met him when I met him as a human, I was when I met him. I wouldn't have been ready for what he has done for me in terms of holding a mirror up to me and holding a mirror up to the world.
You know, is a person of color, a gay immigrant person of color, who's worked his way up in this life to become a doctor of education. And he just showed me what that journey was like. And it made me understand what being a white man here was like and what being a flawed human is like. And he's just made me so much better. And I wouldn't have been ready for it if I hadn't gone through all of it, you know, And here I am. I think I'm ready.
Oh. I love that his husband's name is Wellington, which I love. I love a name like Wellington. It sounds like he should be on Oh what's that stupid team?
Ye Abby well That but the.
Other the updated Child Bridgerton show, Yeah, Bridgerton.
You know. The best thing about well is, you know, he's a very important educational thinker and all that. But every time I go what do you want for dinner? He goes, you want beef Wellington, And then he shakes it. He goes, you like your beef Wellington? Well done?
Oh yeah, so Ross is on Drew Barrymore show. They're a delightful combo platter, I must say. And you guys are going back? What season are you going back to? Yeah?
Season three we're starting. And you know, Chelsea, you've known me for a long time. And when I grew up in a little farmtown, I used to watch Regis and Kathy Lee just like talk and think like, oh my god, they get to like talk to each other and then interview celebrities. That's what I want to do and it's been the goal forever and I can't believe I get to do it every day with Drew Barrymore. It's crazy you claim on the show, right, and it was so nice to have you on. And she's just a dream.
Yeah, Drew's a very special, unique individual. Drew has gone through her sets of trauma and yeah, all of this stuff, but she always manages to be sunny side up is how I would describe her. She's always Yeah, I mean she can you know, she's not perfect in terms of like being in a happy moood all the time, but her genuine spirit is.
That her like neutral vibrates above happy, you know what I mean? Just when she's in that gear and I kind of do that too, But you know, she's somebody who again has put in the work. Can you think about where she's been? Sometimes I'll bring it up, you know, what were you doing when you were thirteen? And she'll be like, I was in the mental institution. Oh okay, well I understood, so, but she's really like been through it and come out on this place just full of
gratitude and not a Pollyanna, not cheesy. She really comes by honestly, but she's the real deal. You know, I didn't know her before doing the show. I just sort of popped in one day and we like clicked.
How long did it? How long did it take you guys to click?
About about three and a half minutes, I think. And then she was like can you come back tomorrow?
And I was like, yore?
And then they said can you come back next week?
Okay?
And then I just never left Chelsea. It's like, yeah, when I did your show, I just showed up. Same thing on Rue Paul, same thing on Jay Leno. I just sort of show up and then people are like, I guess we'll keep them. I'm like a rescue dog, you know, they're like, I like him. I guess I'm used to him.
That's cute. That's cute. So what goes on on Long Island? What part of Long Island are you on?
So we're on the north shore. I don't know anything about. All I knew about Long Island is that it was far away from California. But uh, we just bought a house here because my husband, like I said, he works out here and then it's a quick train run into the city. But I love it. I thought it was sort of like cheesy, and then I realized, oh, this is where the Barefoot Kntessa lives. And then it all started.
It all started making sense to me. I was like, I can have burrata and capre say and you know, I could flip my denim collar up and life is gonna be great. So I love it here. And you know what, can I tell you a quick story that I don't know if what I'm gonna tell you anyway. So I had a dream. I've always been scared of cats because there's this terrible neighbor cat that was so mean to me growing up. So I just scared. And then about fifteen years ago, I had a dream about a
gray cat. I've thought about this gray cat for fifteen years, you know, thinking about one day a gray cat's going to show up. I bought this house on Long Island. The morning after we moved in, I walked into the backyard and a gray cat walks up to me and starts nuzzling me. And I named her Joy until I found out that she's a boy. So now it's Joy Boy, and Joy Boy is here every single day, and it means to me I'm on the right track, right I'm supposed to be.
That's such a cute story. I'm into all of that shit. I'm all into symbolism and signs. Catherine and I just started reading this book about this neuroscientist who basically discovers mysticism and spirituality and the meaning of the universe and which scientists are like, no, nothing ever, nothing ever happens because it's supposed to. Everything's an accident. Everything's an accident unless it's proven by science. And she just had her you know, switch flipped.
Yeah, either way, I think it works.
Either way.
I don't know.
Well, for you it does.
I'll take what I can get.
She had her switch flipped, and she's like, oh no, there's like a cosmic element to everything, and there's symbolism, and there's premissary premonitiary premonitionary premonitionary dreams.
I think it's just missionary missionary premonitionary dreams.
Like my friend Wendy always has premonitionary dreams. She dreams something and then it happens, and it's like, what's that about? You know what I mean? Because we all have a like a psychic ability, and I just I love that stuff. I think that the more open minded you are, the more you see.
It's so well put. I used to roll my eyes at like crystals and bullshit. I always called it that until I went through my big breakup and then I someone i'm a friend brought me to a crystal store and like literally a piece of stone changed my life. It's moltivite and I just have hung on to it. And I thought to myself, you know, if the moon can pull the tide, there's something going on with energy.
So if you can just accept it as opposed to try to explain it to yourself, Like I like what you said, you see things other people can't see.
Yeah, if you are to walk into a room where like two people have just been arguing. You feel it. That's energy, that's all that is. When they say you can cut it with a knife, it's true.
Well, it's also like when somebody fakes their energy when they come in and they try to be happy, but you can tell something's gone on and they're not in a good spot. That's that's energy, and it's completely transferable and well and it's transparent, like you can totally see right through it. So yeah, people who don't take that seriously or think my beliefs are my beliefs and it's intransigent and I'm not willing to change my opinion, It's like, well,
then you're wrong. Definitely. If you're not willing to have your mind change, then you're wrong.
Yeah yeah yeah. And if you just can accept the fact that even you're in stack is energy, then there you go. Yeah, that's right there. We've all felt that thing, you know.
Yeah yeah, yeah, absolutely so Ross. On our podcast, we take callers and we give advice, and these are real life situations and serious problems. So you better fucking have a shot at tequila and get ready.
Okay, Okay, I'm just all I have here is water, But I'm going to be hydra.
That's my breast milk that I said to you.
Yeah, yeah, it's utterly delicious.
Think it's almond milk. Actually, I pump fresh almond milk every morning.
That's nuts.
Well, let's take a quick break and we'll be right back for some.
Okay, Ross and I are going to give each other a little rubber ducky massage. Now we'll be right back, and we're back.
I'm so fast. All right, Well, our first I just want.
To mention before you start that there is a neon sign behind Ross with his name written in cursive and pink neon, and I would expect nothing fucking less.
Thank you, it's all. I have a remote control and I can change that to blue if you want.
Boom.
Look at that.
I got this on at a little boutique called Amazon.
Oh, I've never heard of Amazon. It's cute, and I also had no idea it was pronounced like that, so look at me learning.
Yeah, I think it's French.
Well, our first question comes from sad friend. Dear Chelsea, one of my good friends, someone who I considered my best friend in college, just unfollowed me on Instagram. She didn't tell me about this, and I just figured it out three months later. I confronted her about it, and she said she doesn't like my boyfriend. She told me that she didn't want to see him on my stories and my posts. The problem is, this is not a new boyfriend. We've been dating for eight years, all throughout college.
I didn't realize she disliked my boyfriend this much, and it's not a sentiment I've received from any of my other friends. She mentioned once in passing that she didn't want to hang around him, and I thought, okay, whatever, But I just think it's so weird that she unfollowed me. It also makes me think that her hatred of him matters more than our friendship. I don't even hang out with them together, so I'm not sure what the problem is.
Do you think it's a sign that she no longer wants to be friends and this was her way of saying it. I'm not sure I even want to continue the friendship if she couldn't have an open conversation with me about this before she resorted to unfollowing me and not telling me about it. Sincerely, a sad friend.
Oh that hurts your feelings?
That is sad. I have a very strong opinion about this though, Yes, tell us okay, goodbye, thank you so much. If you're gonna unfollow me after knowing me that with instead of picking up the phone and saying, hey, I have a real problem with your boyfriend. There's some things about him. I don't like it about his characters, qualities as a human, and I think maybe you can do better.
You're not gonna have that grown up conversation, but you're gonna unfollow me, Well, you're not capable of being my friend anymore, Thank you so much.
Next, Yeah, absolutely, I mean fuck that person. Unfollowing somebody is as a friend is really aggressive. I don't even want to unfollow others celebrities that annoy me that I'm not friends with, because I know they're going to see it. So you can easily mute somebody when you don't want to see anything that they're doing. That's an option everybody. But yeah, your friend is an asshole. That's not a
real reason. How could she dislike your boyfriend after eight years and then not say anything and that's how she tells you. So I'm glad that you're open to not being friends with her again, because that's probably the root I would take, Not probably that is the root I would take.
Yeah.
I would also look at the boyfriend though, just in case maybe the friend had a point, you know what I mean, like examine, just let that sink into but goodbye to the friends. She's not grown up.
Yeah. And also you can take a survey from your other friends and see if there's an issue with your boyfriend that anybody else has. You know, if you're interested in learning about that, or you think that there might be something up with your boyfriend or your boyfriend might be an asshole, then you should ask your other friends
and whose opinions you trust. And when you're asking for honesty, that gives a person a lot more license and a bigger avenue to be honest rather than them giving you unsolicited opinions.
You being a grown up like this, These people are probably almost thirty because eight years ago they were in college, right, so they're almost thirty being a grown up, and your biggest move is to unfollowize.
I don't even like when Instagram comes up in regular conversations and somebody says, like when any adult says something about somebody being followed or following someone on Instagram, I'm like, excuse me, sir, how old are you.
Yeah, here's a sentence I've never said to my like, oh, she didn't like my photo. I never once who would say that.
It's like Instagram is our touchstone for like being alive. I don't like that to be the barometer for anything. Yeah.
Ever, I have to say I kind of have a little bit of a different opinion on this. I honestly feel like, if you're following me, if you're not following me, like who cares, sort of like do your thing. I have friends that I love in real life and I cannot follow them online because they're frankly just obnoxious on But at the same time, I do think that a lot of people believe that Instagram or TikTok is a proxy for friendship. It's like, if you're not sending me memes,
if you're not following me, you're not my friend. But at the same time, I think the mute button can be your very best friend and spare everybody's feelings. But I don't know, what do you guys think about this? A lot of people take it so seriously.
I don't know. It's kind of sad to be that to care that much about it, don't you think? I mean, am I just old? Do we miss the window of Like we didn't grow up with Instagram, so maybe we don't get the value of it. We're just sort of like.
I get the value of it, but I don't like the relationship with it when it becomes a little bit too interdependent. I mean, yes, I'm on Instagram all the time. I'm checking things, I'm writing to people, I'm answering things, and I'm looking at my.
You're a good commentor you're always in there.
I'd like to give people support and do that, but I also don't like it to run me. Like if I if I notice that I've been on or my screen time says, oh you've been up five hours, You've added this week or day or whatever, I'm like, oh fuck yeah. And then I if I'm on vacation, I put my phone down. I don't touch it, you know, usually all day. So I it is a very tricky relationship.
And we know it's addictive. It's addicting, and you become an addict, and I mean I already have enough addictions, so so I don't need that to be one of another one, you know, I get it well.
Our next question comes from Noah, and he's on the phone with us here.
Oh is it Noah from the Affair?
Of course it is okay. I love that character, Dear Chelsea. I've been single for a few years now and haven't gotten past two ish dates with anyone since that time. I'm pretty independent, but nevertheless a bit of a romantic. I wouldn't say I'm in a rush because I have very close friends who I spend a good deal of time with, and during the height of the pandemic, I was quite content being alone, reading, watching TV, taking long walks,
without the expectation to interact with society. But things are changing now and I'm wanting more. I live in Minneapolis, and the population of gay men here isn't what it is in say, Chicago, NYC or San Francisco. It's a big, small town, and you can expect that if you start to date someone, you probably know their ex Plus, everyone here settles down, further limiting available men to complicate it even more. I'm a kinky bottom, and finding men that compliment that part of me, or that are open to
open relationships is even harder. If they exist here. I already know who they are. Despite having the best friends I've ever had in my life, and the fact that the quality of life here is so nice. I live blocks away from four different lakes, multiple parks, and pay less than seven hundred dollars for my rent. I want to move eventually, but I'm a historian and museum professional, and believe it or not, there isn't a huge job
market for historians these days. I'm willing to date long distance, but how do you even meet someone to begin a long distance relationship? How do I make moves towards what I want when I seem stuck where I am? Noah, Hi, goa Hi, Noah.
I didn't know it was going to actually be here. No hy, we were just going to talk about you like you weren't here.
Oh my gosh. Well I'm glad to be here with both of you, all of you.
Yeah, yeah, well we have our gay man is here today so he can. Really I'm going to let you jump off on this ross you take aware.
You're in lucky little kinky bottom because Uncle Ross is here.
Other kiky bottoms on the zoom.
Well, listen, I love that you put that out there, and that is the number one thing you can do when you're looking for love and you're I should say, when you're ready for love is to put it out there. Now, do not poo poo on Minneapolis. It is a great gay city.
You know.
I every time I'm in Minneapolis, I go to the saloon and order the what the tater tots because they are Chris they are perfect. Minneapolis is. It is very gay there. But I also understand when you say it's a little big city. And so if you meet someone, you do probably know their ex. Have you found that when you put it out there? Are you on the apps like putting it out there what you're into in terms of sexually?
Oh?
Yeah, I'm on the apps and I don't have a hard time finding what I need sexually. It's finding that component of like the romantic with the sexual because there are folks that are in relationship here and open, and so I can usually find folks that are into what I'm into. It just so happens that they're not available to date.
I wonder if simultaneously, if you could be like on the grinder the hookup apps to be getting your kinky bottom insatiable needs fed, and simultaneously on a different kind of app right, like maybe the Tinder where it's not all about whole pictures, right.
I have a variety of them. Yeah, you do.
And are you finding and then, Chelsea, I'll let you speak on your own show, But are you finding that on these apps where you like it's about finding love that there's just the well is dry?
Yeah?
So I've got the Hinge, Tender, Scruff and Grinder, So like those four and I do definitely use.
That's a nice buffet of dating apps. I like your I like you, I like your choices.
I use Hinge and Tender, yeah, more for dates.
But like I said, like, I've had a handful of first dates and we never get past the second and I don't really know why that is.
Sometimes the kinky stuff comes up on those dates, sometimes it doesn't.
But I've only had like a handful in the past two years, and that's just not a lot of prospects.
Now, Chelsea, it seems to me though, that no is just kind of dating. I mean, isn't that it that you have some sex on this side? You have some dates and hope that they get to a number three and a four into that and they won't until like it's the right guy. But isn't this kind of just the game?
Well, first of all, Noah, you said something that is pretty negative, and there's no way that you know everybody in Minneapolis and that you've experienced every gay person there and that everyone that's available has you've already met. That's just not true. So that kind of thinking has like a negative pattern in your brain when you shut things down and you're like, well, what's the point here? So
you have to kind of wash that out. You haven't met everybody in Minneapolis and you never will, and you haven't met every gay bottom or top. Sorry, you're looking for a top probably, and you want to have an open relationship, right, that's what you're interested in.
Yeah, that preferred. I'm open to monogamy.
It's just one of those things that I know that I am needy, and so it's unreasonable for me to expect one person to be able to fulfill all of those things. But if they think that they could or would be willing to do that, I would be open to monogamy as well.
Wow, look at that. That's a great answer. I love that you're being You're actually being selfless about it because you don't want to put that onus on another person to constantly have to be penetrating you. I get that. That's very nice of you, sweet, but there are other Okay, so all the dating apps you've got covered, I would say continue on that. You're doing the Lord's work and
that's fun, and you're going to meet people. It might not be on the timeline that you want, but somebody's going to come along that's also going to be wanting a relationship and you're going to find that person. But I think you should also cast a wider net. I mean, I know you're casting a pretty wide net, but in terms of not being on dating sites, like what kind
of stuff do you like to do? There's like all sorts of gym shit you could get into where you're going to meet people gym activities, whether you're into like volleyball or what do you like to do.
So I'm actually heavily involved in the gay kickball and gay dodge policy.
There we go.
So I'm a captain of my team.
Oh the captain.
Yeah, it's so hot.
I also like teach the rules to all the nevies.
So every time we have a beginning of the season, all of these new gays or like new people that are playing the sports are coming to me and I'm teaching the rules, so I get to see and meet a lot of people that way as well. So it's actually how I met my last boyfriend, which we broke up in twenty nineteen.
So okay, well, it sounds like you're doing everything you need to be doing. When was the last time that you were in a relationship twenty nineteen?
Yeah, we broke up in December of twenty nineteen.
Okay, and you're ready to get into another one.
Yeah, I think so.
I needed a while after that one, and that was my first long term relationship, and after that was the first time I realized that I could, like, actually have a relationship. Prior to that, I wasn't really looking for something long term because I didn't realize that I was capable of it. And then it happened and I was like, you know what, I really liked that, and it ended for other reasons, but I was like, I enjoyed that, and I would like to get something like that again.
How old are you again? Remind me?
Noah, I'm twenty seven.
Oh good, So you're right, you're righting where you should be doing. Exactly what you should be doing. Don't rush it. Noah, Okay, if you keep on this path, you're going to be just fine finding somebody, somebody something. And you've got a lot of living to do, honey, Okay, a lot of bottoming for you to do. Got it.
Don't bought them out. Don't bought them out. And also, you know, like, if this is what you desire, a loving, compassionate relationship, write that down, Write that down on and put it on your refrigerator, and every single morning, write it down again, write it down to start your day. I am capable and deserving of a loving, healthy relationship with another man. And just that is your mantra. Say it to yourself, like the manifestation is everything. It fucking works.
People talk about stuff all the time. By putting that in your brain activity, not only are you changing your own energy, you're changing your thought process. And instead of looking at it as a negative, you have to start going. I can't wait to meet the people in Minneapolis I haven't met yet. I can't wait to meet those guys. You know, there's a new kickball season starting. Guess what's going to happen. There's a whole new crop for you
so and anything you can add to that. I mean, it sounds like you're pretty busy and with all of it, but I mean, these are great qualities to have. These are great activities to be doing. You know, captaining a kickball team is a great way to meet people. But if there's any other sports out there that you feel like you're into, do that too. If you have time, You're only just going to meet more people and make your life broader, healthier, and more well balanced.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm not worried about you know and not worried about it.
I'm not worried about you know it either. You're twenty seven years old. Be patient, don't be in a rush. There's no rush. There's no rush. This is going to come. You'd rather get the right person in time than to get the wrong person quickly, right, yep, correct.
Yeah, that's the thing that I need to work on, is the patients, because I think that way too. It's just like, I know what I want and there's no reason to compromise on that for right now because I'm not and.
I want to say thank you for your AIDS poster in the background so that the first words I see behind your head are aids.
Thank you to that.
I am a queer historian, so I've gotten all over So yeah, so beautiful.
Just to sort of put a cap on that, Chelsea Kinna mentioned this earlier, but also like putting that out there that you know you're ready for a relationship that's kind of what you're interested in. Next, like putting that out to your friends as well, putting it out there to yourself every day, but also like drop that into conversation because you never know who's like, oh my gosh, I was just talking to this other person the other day about this. I gotta connect these two.
Sure, we'll keep.
Us posted, let us know how we go.
Good luck, You're going to be just fine.
I have a date Saturday.
So glad you and your eager butthole. Okay, I I love Noah.
I want only gay questions for Ross.
And I was like, is this too on the nose?
I don't know, No, right on the nose.
Well, we have another caller. This is Chloe. Chloe says dear Chelsea. I'm twenty eight and recently moved to New York to pursue stand up. In twenty twenty one, I ended a bad relationship, and two weeks later, I lost my grandmother, who was more like a mom to me, and shit really hit the fan in a way that I'm now profoundly grateful for. I gained a lot of weight in the months immediately after the breakup and losing
my grandmother. My weight is a part of my story though forever I've been thin, i've been fat, I've been in between. I've made the decision to pursue weight loss surgery not because it's an easy way out, but because I'm finally living my dream and just logistically don't have time for major weight loss if I also want to
pursue stand up and work full time. I feel so grateful for my life not going the way I really clung to because I would never have started doing stand up, which makes me feel more alive and in love in any person, place, or thing outside of myself ever has. But the thought of any surgery makes me feel anxious. I've done a ton of research and know that this is a safe and routine surgery, but I'm scared of
being that point oh one percent of fatalities. You know how hard the grind is trying to make it and stand up when you're just beginning, and in the little time I have to myself, I'd like to start dating again as well, but I'm too scared to do so in a larger body. The world is just a lot kinder to you in a smaller frame. Weight loss surgery seems like a step that will let me have my
cake and eat it too. Figuratively speaking, I'd love to know your thoughts and my predicament, and maybe what decision you would make if you were in my shoes. Chloe, Hi, Cli.
Choe, Hi, Hi, Hi cutie, how are you? I'm good?
How are you guys?
Well, you're in luck. We have a very special guest here today, Ross Matthews is here.
Cowhi Hi, Okay, you are so cute. We just listened to your letter. Girl. I feel you in so many different ways. I get it.
Thank you. Yeah, this is great that you're here. I feel like you would understand I know a lot about your story and everything.
Well, I get it in so many ways in terms of like what it's like to be a person of size trying to be funny, you know what I mean, trying to get into show business. I understand about putting on weight when you're grieving the loss of somebody you
love so much. And I understand the journey of wanting to try to be the best version of yourself you can be so you can be in the fight, right yeah, yeah, But I would tell you Chloe that just by like having this conversation with yourself and having with us, you're already in the fight. There's no right way or wrong way to do this. So whatever you need to do to get you where you want to be so you are ready to take on whatever's going to come your way,
do it. And when you think about being the one percent of the small chance of something terrible could happen to you if you want to head with the weight lesser dream, okay, but I mean something terrible could be happened tomorrow, But I wouldn't be afraid. Don't go to the negative place. Do whatever you need to to get to where you want to go and be who you want to be. I didn't do weight loss surgery. It
wasn't for me because I mostly I was scared. I mean, I only have my back teeth taking out what they called your wisdom teeth. That's like my most hardcore surgery. So it wasn't for me, but I understand it's unique for every weight loss. It's so personal for people. There's no shame in anything. But I'm so proud of you for showing up for yourself.
Thank you. Yeah. I really wanted advice from people who aren't family members, because I feel like their opinions are informed by their love for me and wanting me to be safe and not take that risk. But I know myself and like it's just something that I've been struggling with, truly since fourth grade. Roberta Morales calls me fat, and it's like, okay, that's.
I know, Roberta.
Yeah. So I just want to like take this thing away that has been torturing me for so long. And I really I want to live, you know, in so many ways. I am. I moved to New York and I'm pursuing stand up and I am like living in a lot of ways, and I feel brave and I love myself in those ways. I feel like if I can do this thing that can just also help me feel like cute and sexy and cool, then like why.
Not IM proud? Proud of yourself, right, that's part of it.
Two.
Yeah, I got it. But I also want you know, just as is. You are just fabulous as is too, you know what I mean, And you got to love it yourself right now here today too.
Yeah. I think it's a tricky endeavor to like think of one thing that's going to fix everything, you know, Like people do that with the relationships a lot. They think if they get married, they'll fix the relationship, or if they have a baby, they'll fix the relationship, and that works the opposite way. You know, whatever problems you have, we're going to be exasperated by thinking that there's a one solution. So what I would say to you is to not look at that as the end all be
all I think. I think it's fine if you want to get that surgery done, but you should also work towards that surgery and get yourself into a really healthy place so that you're not just trying to remove whatever you want to remove, that you're actually actively pursuing the path that you want to go down, which is one where you feel a little bit more healthy and a little bit more fit right, and you want to be attractive,
and that to you means weight loss surgery. But on the way to that surgery, you should actually start taking really good care of yourself, you know, incorporating exercise, incorporating healthier foods, and actually mindfully working towards that goal, because it's kind of like going in to get an operation without doing it with the right intention is something that can easily backfire. You know, you can gain that weight
back if you're not mindful. You can go in and feel great for two months and then just let it all go to shit. I've seen people do that. I've seen people get light bo or lap band surgery and then they end up right back where they started. So it's a very intentional thing that you have to be mindful of. These are your goals to feel good about yourself. There's nothing wrong with that, there is no shame in that. But you have to be on your own team in
pursuit of this. You know, you have to get yourself to a place that is ready for the surgery, and you might even start to lose weight and go, wait a second, this isn't as hard as I thought it was going to be, and you might not want the surgery. Do you have the surgery set yet?
Yeah? So I actually I had a date and then just in the past few days I pushed it back a little bit just to give myself more time, Like I'm I quit smoking good Girl, just to like prepare get my body as healthy as I can be. And then I also pushed it back because I was like, I do want to get to a place of more acceptance and self love before I make that move, and like spend more time in this body. But also, like you said, be more conscientious of what I put in
my body. Get into an exercise routine. And it's hard, Like I was telling Catherine, I work full time. I'm an assistant, and then I work a few nights at a comedy club. And then when I'm not doing those things, I'm trying to be at mic. So like my life feels really chaotic, but still still just trying to be intentional up to that point.
Yeah, do you get any exercise in Like are you walking around the city.
Yeah, I'm always walking those subway steps get me. I do like soul cycle, I.
Can, but like, yeah, I think just leading up to them. When do you have the surgery set for now?
It's the second week of January.
Oh, you have plenty of time. You have plenty of time. I think that you should really try to get you know, you can download one of those apps like Noom that I did that a couple of weeks ago when I had to prepare for a photo shoot. It doesn't matter how you busy you are. The busier I am, the easier it is to be healthy for me because I have less time to fuck around and like, go oh, I want to actually taco from Taco Bell. It's like no,
I don't. I'm going to have this epics bar or this protein bar, or I'm going to make a shake. So take advantage of the fact that you're busy and use this time to get ready for the surgery and really start to get develop some healthy habits that will be with you post surgery as well. You want to get in the habit of walking everywhere. You want to get in the habit of eating healthy, not eating shit. Don't eat shit that just makes you feel shit. It's not good for your brain and it's not good for
your body. And develop all these healthy habits that will take you through the surgery. And not drinking and smoking excellent, do not drink or smoke before surgery. I speak from experience.
I would also say to just make it a choice by choice, meal by meal thing. Eventually it all adds up and it becomes habit. You know, those choices start become the new normal, and you'll be so shocked how in between now and January, just by your actions and your choices, you're going to see results. Things will happen for you, and you may decide you don't need the surgery, but if you want it, down the line to get it.
I'm just saying, the way that you're showing up for yourself now having these conversations is impressive, and keep it up.
Yeah. I feel like, honestly, once I set the date and pay the time deposit, I got a second job just to save for it. Like those decisions actually did empower me to start making healthier decisions now, because it's that it's felt like more real.
As you're kind of going on this journey and sort of figuring out what's right for you. I have a couple podcasts that I think would be really helpful for you to listen to. First is Half Size Me with Coach Heather. She's one of those people who like fits in one pant leg of her old pants and lost a lot of weight and kept it off for a decade or more. She takes the approach of slow and steady is the only thing that wins the race. It's non judgmental, it's really really helpful, and I just think
it's a really great podcast to be listening to. The second one is called Maintenance Phase, and the two hosts of this are incredible journalists, but they go about debunking a lot of wellness and diet culture stuff. They talk a lot about anti fat bias, they talk a lot lot about being healthy no matter your size, and why in individual's health, markers are much more important than their weight in a lot of cases. So yeah, check out
Maintenance Phase. Take a listen to both of those. There's sort of two different perspectives on the same topic and that's why I think they'd be really helpful for you to listen to sort of at the same time.
Yeah, thank you, I'm always listening to a podcast.
Awesome.
Perfect.
I'm so happy to meet you, Chloe, and good luck. Okay, and if I'm ever seeing your headlining somewhere, I'm gonna come see you.
Yeah.
Okay, I'm like five months in.
So ray, good for you. That's so fucking brave. Bang.
Yeah, okay, cause it's been crazy and I love all of.
We love you too, Chloe.
Thank you, Chloe.
All right, We'll talk to you soon, Chloe.
Bye.
I still get that. I still get just being like confused with the weight loss and health and just thinking like where do you even start. It's like a big pile of laundry're like, which fucking piece do I fold? I don't even know where to start. That's what it feels like. It's just so confusing and daunting.
I used to be so obsessed, obsessed with my weight, obsessed, and I'm still not better. I mean, I'm less obsessed, but I still have it, you know what I mean. Like I'm getting ready for I have a shoot on Saturday, and for me to do a shoot, I can't even socialize, Like, but it's so I mean, I have so much education and what is good for you that I know exactly what to do. I know to space my meals apart
three and a half hours. I know to eat proteins, a little bit fat and a little bit of healthy carbs, and I know not to drink and I know not you.
Know, I get that I can look at any picture from any decade and know exactly what I wait that day Oh my god.
Do you weigh yourself every day too?
Every day? Every day? When I when I put on I don't. That's that's when I'm I haven't looked, you know what I mean when I cause you know me, I call myself a weight detective. If I lose it, I can always find it again. This time is been different, like because it's been a It's about accountability, you know what I mean. You know, at a certain age you kind of figure out what behavior is going to fuck you up in the long run, you know.
Yeah, right, well, you've been looking good for a while, though you haven't put on weight in a while, right.
No, I haven't. They took you long enough to mention it. Thank you so much. Yeah, I do look great, And no, I really am feeling.
I can't wait to do a reboot of Chelsea later so we can all just hang out and make fun of each other on the round table.
Are we going to do that?
Are we in we're talking about it. We're we're in official discussions. Yes, and we'll see if the right thing. I don't know, I don't know where to put this or where at the right place is for that, you know, if it's a streamer feels like network television is over in terms of late night shows, so I don't really want to put myself in that category. I want to, I don't know. I have to figure out if there's a right fit. But yeah, we're definitely talking about it.
All right, let's discuss it happy hour. We'll solve it.
Okay, we'll solve the world's crisis in a happy hour and then I can give you all the dish excellent.
Well, we're going to take another quick break and then we'll be right back with Chelsea and.
Ross and we're back, you know what. Oh my god. Speaking of terrible voices, like when I try to sing, I was doing a Peloton ABS class yesterday morning, and the girl who ran it, I don't know what her name was, but she started singing and I looked at my phone. It was on my phone. I'm on a mat in my I'm in there's mental house in Beverly Hills. And I looked at the phone, going, are you fucking kidding me? You can She just tried to sing along to the song, but her voice was worse than mine.
And I looked at her like she was standing next to me, and I was like excuse me, you can't sing ever again on this app And then she did it again. And this morning I got up and I was like, all right, which apps class am I going to do? And I was like, all right, she's out, Like she it's over for her. She tried to.
Say, See, that's the difference between you and me. I'd be like, what time are you saying this again? Tomorrow? I need trying to be here.
Well, ros this is the part of our show where we ask if you have any advice you'd like from Chelsea. You know, I actually do One thing I revere about Chelsea. I just respect so much about you is that you have no problem like with letting it get uncomfortable with people, you know what I mean, Like if somebody's acting a fool, you'll tell them, If somebody is a dick, you'll alert them.
If somebody's in your space to tell them. I feel like I constantly have to be human lubricants. I'm always just kind of like, Okay, that's gonna be fine, Everything's gonna be fine, trying to make everything okay even if it's not real, Like, how do we become more comfortable with the with the uncomfortable.
Honestly, I believe that there is a lot of dignity in being truthful and direct. It's undignified to pretend that something's okay when it's not. I feel that way. I feel like if somebody's acting in a weird way, like it's oh, there's nice ways to say it and nicer ways to say it. As I've learned over the years, it's not like, hey, fucking moron, It's like, hey, is everything okay? Like what's going on? Or this makes me uncomfortable? Or you seem like you're a little bit out of whack,
or this dynamic isn't working. Like, it's good to set boundaries. People respect that, and I've become much more gentle about my confrontations, you know what I mean.
Because I have heard you say, what what's wrong with you? Fucking I've heard you say that.
Of course. Yeah.
Yeah, so even you have like sort of reformed how you do.
It, yeah, because that doesn't feel good to the person. You know, if somebody's acting weird, or somebody's encroaching on your physical space or your personal you know, however they're infringing on you, or that you don't like the way that you feel there's no shame in saying, hey, I just need you to back up a little bit, or I actually need a minute by myself, or I'm feeling overwhelmed.
You know, it depends. If somebody's a really sensitive person, it's always better to put it on yourself and act like it's your problem, not theirs. But if somebody is consistently, you know, causing a problem, or you don't like the way they're behaving like, there is a lot of dignity in being upfront and saying, hey, this is how this makes me feel. Not you are asshole, you behave badly. It's like this is not comfortable for me at this point.
You know, I had to learn that a lot, especially if somebody is throwing daggers at you and you're in a fight. It is very hard to regain composure because you're in defense mode and nothing in that area ever gets resolved. If two people are going at it, there's no there's not going to be any come to Jesus moment.
But I would say putting up guardrails not to be overly guarded, but putting up guardrails when people have overstepped is a very dignified thing to do and the person that you do it with will most likely respect you more if it's handled correctly.
That actually is a big aha thing for me right now when you're saying that, it's like respectful and dignified to be more honest with another person to sort of say, hey, this is the reality, this makes me uncomfortable, or this needs to stop, or this as opposed to just like ha ha and you move on. That's almost like undignified
and disrespectful to them. I just find myself, as getting older and you know, becoming an adult and things, i find myself needing to have those kind of confrontational moments more often. And I'm tired of like whimping out and just not doing it like a grown up, you know. So I'm not really trying to force myself to have those Wellington quotes. Brenne Brown calls them courageous conversations, you know, that's what they call them. So, yeah, trying to force myself to do.
That, yeah, because there's it is undignified to be fake. That's it.
That's the word fake, right, Yeah. If we're not addressing it, we're faking it. Yeah, that's so lame.
Yeah, faking is lame.
Speaking is lame. Thank you, Thank you, Little Chelsea. I know you're unqualified to give advice at all, but you're very good at it.
Oh. I love you, Ross, I love you. I can't wait to see you. You know what? We should go to that boat place that I love.
I don't know what I'd go there.
Okay, we're gonna figure it out Wednesday night happy hour, all.
Right, Okay, let's keep that boat place afloat.
Okay, we will love you.
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email a Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Katherine Law and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com