Hi Catherine, Hi Chelsea.
Okay, so I just had a very quick turnaround. I just came from LA to Whistler right after the Critics Choice Awards, which were Sunday. Monday morning, I woke up with my new baby dog. My dog dog is a fucking dream boat. I feel like all of my dog karma has finally come full circle.
Amazing.
I mean, Chunk was my very best, he was my sweetheart, my first he made me a mother. But this dog is it's almost like my dream dog is in front of me. And I had to go to so the same place I got Burton Bernice, they had some chows. So they brought some chows to audition for me in LA. When I was home for the Critics Choice Awards. I came home for four days and I went to this park. Oh,
this is a good story. I went to this park and this guy's walking towards me, and there's these two metal gates and I kind of opened them to I'm looking for these dog people because they said they were bringing me two chows, and so I'm looking for these dog people and I have the gates like open, I don't know, two inches each, like I hadn't shut them because I was just peeking in to see if I was at the right place. This guy comes running up to me and he's like, can you please shut the
metal gates? And I go, well, no, I will when I get back out. I'm just taking a look. He goes it takes one second before there is a dog killed on Barrington and I go, sir, you need to relax.
I am looking for.
A dog right now. And he goes, oh, oh, you're looking for a dog. How funny you must have you already lost your dog, you lost your dogs?
And I was looking at him. I go, sir, whatever.
Happened to you this morning has nothing to do with me, so shut up and stop communicating with me. And then he goes, you celebrities are so entitled, you are I go, oh, really, that's what this is about me being a celebrity and coming into a dog park. I go, sir, just stop talking to me. And they were across the street at a different park, but right as I was walking away, he goes, Chelsea Handler, you're a whore. What an interesting
choice of saying You say such? And he was so unhinged that it was so funny, like I couldn't stop laughing, like, Chelsea Handler, you're a war Like I'm like, I couldn't. I wanted to go, sir. I want you to go home tonight. And when you're reflecting on your day, like what are you thinking? Like, way to go, way to go? Off on Chelsea Handler because she's such an entitled bitch. Because she opened a gate at a dog park and didn't close it.
Oh my god, that is when you know it's like just not about you, just about it was so funny.
It was so funny. But anyway, So anyway, I met Doug, who is beautiful. Dog is eight Okay, do you know how hard it is to get a full child. The reason I've never had a full chow is because you have to buy them, and I don't want to buy a dog. I want to rescue dogs, obviously, so I've never had a full chow. Doug is eight months. He's a baby. I've never had a baby. I mean, I had Gary, but you know how that one I had to return Gary to send her. But he's eight months.
He's housebroken, he's black, he is full, he is a lover. He loves my Bell. My Bell's already trying to pull her bullshit and stirrup shit by taking him. She has him right now because he has to get vaccinated to come to Canada, and then Casey's gonna drive him up here next week. But I literally patted my bed because I moved into my new house. My bedroom and my gym and my bathroom are ready, so i'm's like hotel living. Hey, the rest of the house is still a construction site.
But I'm like, I don't care, I'm moving in. I pat my bed and Doug just comes up on the bed. He rolls around, plays with you. He runs. I've never had a dog that could run. And he is a lover. He loves Felix, he loves my Bell, he loves Carla, he loves Casey, he loves me. He's so cuddly. He lies on his back and puts his legs up in the air for you to rub his belly. I mean, it's my dream dog. And I'm like, it's happening. After all these years, I finally got a dream dog.
And you listen to your gut and you waited for him, and he waited for you, and it's love.
It is love. I love Doug.
And you were just telling ze Wave you wanted to a black chow because she has black chows, and you're like, oh my god, I want this. Oh it just it worked out right.
I know.
And I mean, you don't get an eight month old dog that is a full chow that is beautiful and his house broken.
Oh that's that's truly the cherry.
I mean, he's just I just am so lucked out. I feel so grateful for this dog. And he is gonna he and I are going to have such a great time together.
Are he and Bernice getting along?
Bernice is in Whistler, So I'm with Bernice. I wanted to come back and have some alone time with her before she and I are just finally hitting our stride too.
And so I don't know.
How she's going to feel about Doug, but I have a feeling that Doug is going to put a little pep in her step. Yeah, she needs to pick up the fucking pace.
That's definitely. What's happened with Mimsy is like she's age, she's getting a little cratchety, but like she runs around after these puppies, and I like, this is the best thing we could have done for her health.
I think, yes, yeah, I think that's true, So that's good. The credits choice was a fucking blast.
Oh my god, he looks so amazing.
Oh thank you. I had such an incredible time, so many incredible moments, and the overall feeling I had that I recognized on that day was I've done so many high profile events, you know, where there's pressure or filming your special or filming something or doing wort shows, you name it. This was one of the first times where I recognized that I had no nerves at all. I was just pure excitement, Like I couldn't wait to get
out on stage and show everyone how it's done. Like I couldn't wait to go show my professionalism and that, you know, like, and I just wanted it to happen. I was like, it was noon, I'm like, I want to go. And then between my fashion and my looks and all the hair and makeup. I mean, I've never spoken about fashion and dresses more than I did leading up to this with my team, because we had so many dresses that looked so incredible and we had to keep narrowing it down and they wanted me to do
more outfit changes, and I just think that's silly. I'm not going to ch the night isn't about the host changing, so I didn't want to do that many but anyway, it was one of those nights where I just was so in my own feet and in my own body with every moment, and I was like, I know I could do this, and I'm going to crush it. And I did, and it was just like a very beautiful cementing of like all my hard work and all of my focus and energy and doing all the work that
you do on yourself. Like, yeah, you don't necessarily see it right away, which is why I think people get frustrated with therapy or with meditation or with any of these other things, because they want instant results and it doesn't work instantly. It works in phases. And like, I'm in this moment right now, and this isn't going to last forever either. I'm sure I will have find a
time to be insecure about something again. But to recognize that you're in these moments when you are in your flow state and you are firing and you're in the zone as an amazing, very fulfilling failing.
Yeah, and you could really tell too. It showed on your face, it showed in your body you just seemed like you were up there having fun and like just filled with joy. Like you seemed very relaxed.
And I also have to say this because we talked about this, I well, we're gonna talk about this, but
I was very relaxed. There were a couple of people that were going to be at this show when I saw, like, you know, when I was rehearsing and you see all these names and you're like, oh my god, fucking Harrison Ford sitting right in front of me, and fucking de Niro was there, and you're like, I'm gonna be you know, And there were a couple of people there that I thought for sure did not like me, Like I just I just had a feeling these people did not like me.
There are three people actually that I was like, oh, that person doesn't like me. That persons is like all three of those people came up to me and gave me kudos for my show, for the for the show, for my career, for things that Like. It was just so funny that I had these three people in mind, and in succession, all three of those people approached me telling me giving me compliments.
That's so funny because they also I thought that, but not come up and told you about it, like no, But it's.
Like this universal intelligence that we keep talking about or that I keep banging on about. I'm just feeling it so much. I just feel so grounded lately that I just know, like I know what I'm doing, I know what's right. I know. Then I just thought, I'm just gonna win these three people over tonight, like That's what I'm gonna do, And whether they were not on my side to begin with or not is irrelevant, because.
That's the right attitude.
Even if you have people that don't like you or you've had a bad experience with, you can turn on it always. You can always there's always an opportunity to give them a new experience. Yeah, and a new version of you.
Yeah, I love that.
I love that.
Well, congratulations, that's such an achievement. And you look like you had a lot of fun.
Thank you, thank you. Yeah. Yeah, And who knew? I finally have the body I want when I'm forty eight years old. I mean, honestly, I am in the best shape of my life and I'm forty eight, so anyone listening to me, it is possible. So it just it is getting better my life is getting better with age. I have to say, like.
A fine nine. All right, Well, today we have a very special guest who you know very well.
Oh yes, we have my boo on today. Okay, yeah, she's a and she has a new special on Max called Salute Me or Shoot Me and please, yes, yes, watch it. She's awesome. Sam Jay Okay, I've got this fucking bitch with me right now, Sam j Okay. And first of all, if you haven't seen her stand up specially, you better watch it because it's really really funny.
Have you actually watched it?
Chose, Yeah, yes, of course I watch it. I fucking posted about a bitch. But you don't even know how to use internet, So how the fuck would you know? I know, I mean, would you do really watch? Do you think I would say I watched it if I didn't watch it?
Oh no, it's not like you were doing a commercial.
Well, I mean I am, because you're on the podcast. So Sam's late to the podcast. By the way, Sam's late to everything, So let's just get that out of the way. Sam's late to the podcast because she took a shower where the elliotts she was excited about telling that to me. She was excited to share that with me. So I have a little story to back it up. Did you wash your legs?
Do watch my legs?
Okay? Because I got a talking to from Sam is in a long term relationship with a woman who is batshit crazy and her name is fucking yah Yah. We're gonna have her on the podcast at some time too, because she would be really good, my best.
She will go off.
On people, because she she went off on me. They came to my worka we had a comedy weekend. We had Vanessa Gonzales, who you know opens for me on my tour. We had her partner, he's not her husband, and then yah Yah and Sam are a couple. Then Fortune Fortune femes her and her wife Jack's and then Jamie Jamie Greenberg my makeup arty, and I was assaulted by yah Ya, I mean emotionally assaulted so many times throughout the vacation as she fucking will flip.
She's that bitch will flip on a dime.
She is fucking normal and fun and then after nine pm, something happens at nine where she's just like listen, bitch, and then she starts yelling at me for being white one in the conversation. She's always yelling at me for being white, you know, like I had the choice. And then one of the days we got in this conversation about white girls showering versus black girls showering. And I've had this conversation with Tiffany Hattish, yes, because she said the same thing to me once. She was like, do
you wash your legs in the shower? And I was like, wash my legs? I'm like, I don't.
I don't think so.
I mean, what about they're club Oh.
You believe this too. Yeah.
I want to start though, because I heard tell about this and I was like, I guess I gotta watch my legs.
But I never used to.
That is I really want to know, like how this step gets skipped.
Okay, I'm gonna tell you because first of all, my legs are covered most of the day, so what's getting in.
There you're still sweating? Is so bad.
I'm not legs sweating. My legs are not sweat all I have under arms that's a sweaty area. Sometime.
This is what I want you to do before the one time you shower, before you do anything, take a white rag.
All right, that's a good idea.
Actually clean your legs and see what's on the rag, okay, and then you will understand that there's dirt on your legs.
Okay.
I'm so busy wiping my Pikachu clean and cleaning my asshole and my underarms that I'm like that those are my three hot spots, and I very very rarely sometimes the bottom of my feet if if things got dice. So then Sam was like, I can't believe white girls don't watch their legs. You have to wash your legs. You have to watch you legs. So I tried it like a few times, and I was like I reported back to the IA too.
I was like, all right, I've.
Been washing my legs and I'm like, I just don't feel that much of a difference because I feel like my legs even when I ski, even when I ski, which I know you're not gonna fucking do.
Oh.
I told you that I know to ski. I'm from Boston.
I wouldn't need like a refresher because I'm was skied in a long time, but I know that mechanics of ski.
Okay, Okay, you're right.
Anyway, My point was, even when I ski, I am fucking like everyone gets hot and sweaty when they ski. My I don't even ski with underpants on, Like I ski with ski pants and nothing else because I'm so warm all the time, so my legs are definitely not sweating.
Do you sweat? Are you just not a sweat person?
No, my under arms will sweat. I could get some fun going there, like nothing in the crek right here, no sweat.
But I don't look back there a lot, so I don't know what's going on back there.
She's talking to the back of my knees, and I'm not doing anything back there. I mean, unless somebody was holding me up by like I was having crazy sex and they were holding my legs behind my head, like pushing on the backs of my knees. Maybe then I would have fingerprints or something. But that's the most I can imagine. Anyway, we had them there for a week, and let's talk about some of the highlights of that week, because that was fucking fun.
It was a great week.
My favorite part of the story is that Sam revealed to us at the end of the trip that on their way to my house in Spain that they didn't know what kind of host I was gonna be so that they had made alternative backup plans in case they had to get out of Dodge because I was like a nightmare or what was the reasoning break it down for our listeners.
I mean, you just never know, like especially like with like You're, like, I would you know what, You're a comedy legend, Chelsea, you're a comedy legend.
Oh you're you are just a high level comedian.
You've had a lot of success, a lot of people love you. You can kind of go anywhere on this planet and people are like, yeah, that's Chelsea Handler and she's the best, and that type of energy makes some people crazy.
So I just wasn't sure.
Like it's one thing you meet people in passing or you have a quick moment here and there and you're like they chill, but then you're in their home they might not be so chill. So I just didn't want to be stuck in by Yorka in your house if you wasn't that chill. So I was like, well, let's just make sure we have some other options case.
I fucking love that. I mean, how funny is that?
And I'm honestly I am always read it abouts like I have a special signal to Carla when I'm traveling, and and I don't stay with a lot of people because I have the same I have the same experiences. I don't like being under somebody else's watch. I don't like not being able to open up a fridge. I need to have access to everything, and I don't want to be everyone looking around at me like I need to feel like I'm home.
So I don't have a lot.
I don't like to stay with a lot of people, And so sometimes I just text Carla one letter and that means I gotta go.
Yeah, we had our we had our signal.
Yeah, well.
Yeah it was not necessary, say that it was not necessary.
Yeah, we had a good time.
But the other thing that Sam did, I mean I would like to report on her being a guest now, because the other thing Sam did was she didn't bring any drugs. She didn't bring any drugs to Spain, but then wanted all of my drugs, which, as a generousupposed to Listen, everyone, everyone who knows me knows how I'm a giver. You can take the shirt off my back and I will fucking fly around topless, you know what I mean. I don't need it, and I'm always happy to give. But I was almost out of drugs. Out
of drugs by the time Sam left. I had to give her medicine every thirty seconds and then okay, fine, every forty five seconds and.
Then fucking yeah yeah. I was like, bitch, what.
You doing with my girlfriend?
She's all sorts of fucked up because you gave her some LSD or mushroom or whatever the fuck.
And I was like, yeah, yeah, please don't act like I'm the problem here.
Clearly Sam is the problem and you are you already know about it.
Chelsea is kind of a bad influence because I've got great and I've ever done before.
I was like, I won't do that. That sounds nutty and it tells me. Was like, just do it and shut up.
And it was great. It was a perfect the LSD.
I liked it.
It was cool.
It was on the same vibe as mushrooms.
It wasn't crazy.
Actually chocolate mushrooms and my thing I can give to you. See, I'm still trying to get try to give to her. So then we go to New York City and during our trip, Sam had these Louis Vauton and like Birkenstock type of shoes that I used one day. I wore one day because I didn't have them, and I was like, wow, these are really nice. These are really broken in like I would I'd love this. And yeah, I was like, oh, well,
get you a pair. I'm like, actually, like I want to mind this pair, you know, because they were all all work already, were already broken in. I was like, it seems like we have the same exact foot situation already. Anyway, we go to dinner Sam's in La I go to dinner with ya Ya some other friends in New York City and fucking yah Ya her crazy bitch girlfriend wife girlfriend wife to be awesome.
Yeah, we'll keep that on the back of crazy, to.
Keep her crazy.
It's complicated.
She shows up to our dinner with a DHL box that was literally the size of a Toyota Echo. It was that big. She's like, did you get up present? We sent you a thank you President. I'm like, you don't need to send me a thing. She goes, oh, no, no, no, we did. We did.
We sent you thank you President.
Did you like the glasses too? We got you some cool.
Yeah, you got some great glasses for my New today we were talking about the Smurfs, how much I love the Smurf So it was very thoughtful. Thank you gift, and I loved it. Thank you so much. You didn't have to get me anything.
And I gave you so much from gummies. Bro, well, oh you did you know what?
You know what? That was in New York and you know what, I ended up giving them away because that's how sweet I am. The guy I shared him with. My friend Terrence goes, oh my god, where are those mushroom guppies? Like, go, let me the mail them to you. I have the whole jar right here, cause I get so many drugs. So have you been getting a lot of amazing feedback about your special People.
Are liking it. People are definitely it's cool. I'm proud of it. People dig it. They get what I was trying to do.
It's on HBO, everybody, I mean, sorry, it's Max. It's on Max.
Now that's never going to happen, naturally saying that, And now you're on tour, I'm touring and oh.
And then this is the latest.
She's on tour and her yah Yah is with her on tour, fucking getting into it. Left and right with audience members. Anyone who speaks up or talks during a show, She fucking goes to town on. I got in the car the other morning because I were both on tour and I was with Vanessa and Carlo.
They're like, have you seen Yaya stories? And I'm like, and they.
Told me that she's just going off on some woman who's telling her to calm down.
A white woman they had, and the lady got The lady didn't know she was my fiance. She thought she was just like an audience member. So the lady was like, I'm getting you thrown out of here. And I was like, no, you're about to leave, ma'am.
And then the lady did get kicked out.
How has it been banging on the road with her?
It's always fun.
I mean, I'm really really into my relationship now. There was a time when I was being a rascal and which.
I like to bring up and she's like, I go, so, were you guys always faithful to each other? When we're in bi Orca? I go, are you guys always faithful? And Sam goes, what the fuck are you doing?
Chelsea? Shut the fuck up.
I can't help myself though I love the you know, I love like the dirt.
I want the tea right away.
And when I was being a rascal, I feel like I was always trying to like go on the road by myself. But now like that, I'm really like locked in and I'm doing the thing. I love having her around. It's just better. I actually do more when I'm on the road. When she's not around, I'm just in the hotel room watching bad porn, being like a weirdo all day. I don't come out till it's showtime, and it's like like a goblet of sorts, you know.
But I do the same fucking thing when she's around.
I go to the museums, I go out to eat, I take walks, you know what I mean.
And then she's there.
She remembers the sets and like she'll remind me of jokes, and she also yells at audience members so that I don't have to be bothered with them.
So it's it's actually great.
That's good because it can be daunting being on the road. It's lonely, dude.
Then it gets really isolating and you get really depressed, like you don't think it's gonna happen that way. But it gets really depressing really fast.
Yeah, there is a depressing element to it because like, like you like, I like to drink, Sam likes to drink. We all drink. I mean, I don't know either. If it's a comic, either you drink or you're sober.
And yeah, good point.
But I agree.
There are many days where I'm just like, but you know, I really like to be in bed, but I don't like to be in bed feeling like shit. Yeah, I like to be in bed when I'm happy. Sometimes when i'm I'm like, okay, this is like if I'm not in the right hotel room, if it doesn't have the right light exposure, if it does, if it's not nice enough, I'm not happy.
I'm just like, it's like a little jail.
So yeah, I wanted to have to make sure i'm in. Like sometimes we check in, I go, I can't stay in this room.
Sometimes we go to these towns where it's like it don't matter. There's just nothing here, you know, no things to the place. But it's like you can put me in any hotel. I'm going to be facing a work wall looking at nothing, and you're just like, why am I doing this?
It really makes you like question the whole thing. I know, what is this for.
I had a friend there to me recently at comic She was like, because she's always like, I don't know how you tour so much. I'm like, I'm in that zone right now. I'm just loving touring and I've just whatever I go. I usually sometimes I don't, but you right now, I'm into it. So I'm just gonna keep it going.
And she goes.
I feel like, she goes, I went on my tour and she goes, and I'm sitting backstage about to go on stage, and I'm just thinking to myself, this is the dream, right, this was the dream, and now you it can be easy to forget that this is what you wanted.
I thought that it was going to be the best life in the world. Like there's a time like prayed for it.
Like I was like, I just.
Want to do comedy in different cities every night and people and I would just love to have shows all over the country.
And now I'm like, I gotta go to fucking Utah.
I know, I know, but you.
The shows there are You're going to Salt Lake City.
Yeah, I'm excited, but when you it's like It's just one of those things when you first hear it, you're like, what, yeah, but Utah.
And now I like dug into Utah.
I was like, let me look up some stuff and like let me see what's going on out there.
And now I'm like, I kind of want to go to Utah right right.
Talk to me about becoming more successful as a comedian and having people more people recognize you. How are you handling all of that that aspect of things.
You know what, It's been super chill. I think I have cool fans. I think you build your fan base to some degree. It's like your attitude, your energy, your fans kind of reflect that. And I'm not a big like type of person, so my fans don't ever approach me with too much.
They're just like, yo, Sam, what's up?
Yeah right, I mess with you. You ma have funny and I'm like, oh, thank you. So it's been very chill and like manageable, especially like I like when the older black people like tell me to keep going and like they see what I'm doing and like they appreciate it. That makes me feel really good because I am trying to just you know, uphold some of legacy of black art and being vocal about our black.
Experience in this country.
So when older people who have really been through the shit can look at what I'm saying and see the genuineess in it and the black excellence in it, then that feels good to me, you know. And then my white fans they're chill. They're a little more, but they so chill.
Yeah, talk a little bit about black excellence. I like that term a lot, So I want to hear a black woman talking about.
That black excellence just you know, like we have a legacy of barrier breaking artists, not just groundbreaking, but really having to break barriers to be heard, to be seen. I think that's a lot of where the term black excellence comes from. This need to have to rise above and then rise above again just to get to any level of recognition, and you have to actually be excellent. Can't just be okay, you can't just be like on
par you have to be excellent. And especially all the black people, they have seen that with like the greatest.
To do with the Diana Rosses. They've seen it with the Dick Gregory.
So if they look at me at all and go like, hey, young lady, we see some of that in you, then I'm honored.
Yeah, it's interesting because I was like, oh, and when I didn't realize that the term meant like that you have to be excellent in order to get through. I thought it was just when I first heard it, that it was just about about black excellence. And it's like, no, it's almost like black excellence is mandatory to get through. And that's a different framework of looking at it. And we had some deep conversations when we were in my end.
I took people kayaking at the wee hours of the night, drunk, drunk, and that's not dangerous. I just want to say, I live out of bay. We didn't go out into the ocean. We lived and we were in a little port and I just and it and they were so fucking scared.
I was going to cap size of kayak.
I'm like, there's no current, there's no there's like the tide of the life.
It's dark as shit. Chelsea's drunkest shit. We're coming from a restaurant. None of us talked about a kayak, and Chelsea just goes I'm kayaking and just starts like getting it all together, and we're like okay, and the only thing that gay was comfort is. We were all worried, and Carlo went, she does.
This all the time, and just went in the house. Were like this.
I got up through the middle. I got up in the middle of dinner, grab my mango, dac ray.
I'm like, I'm going for.
A kayak ride. I was like, I'm hit a wall, so I went I had Sometimes the ocean is calling me, you know, and I have got to get in it, and I'm and I just want to say, I've given over like probably sixty kayak rides and nothing has ever happened. It doesn't matter what condition I'm in, because I'm at one with the water. And you're going two miles an hour, by the way, no one's going faster that. You're just like on this bay, circling around boat. Sometimes you hit
a boat, but you can't even that's we tapped the boat. Yeah, but you're not going fast enough to do any damage. But just go with me here on the visual I want to paint a picture of Sam's body language when she got in the kayak, which was fucking erect and fucking tight, like she was sitting up straight with her back, hands behind her back, holding onto the type, but slightly shaking because of the nerves and scared.
She was so scared.
I was like, Sam, it's gonna be okay, it's gonna be like and then as we start to go, because you're under the moonlight, so it's so gorgeous, you know, you're like underneath the stars, and the stars are so bright in my Orca, and you're just watching the port. So you get out there and you can see the whole town in front of your Oh.
That is very true.
But like my blackness knew, like I didn't have no business out on his kayak with this white woman at his hour.
They were already.
If something goes wrong, everybody in my family's would be like, what was she doing?
I would never lie. I would swim your ass back to short. It doesn't matter how shitfiss I am. You would be on my back. I do you know how many people I've saved swimming, Well, only one really, but I could do it again. But anyway, as we went out there, we were talking about your mother, and we were talking about her relationship with her mother, who was very deep.
Meaningful conversation.
And I was coming back in and then she just really started to relax and I was like, well, we're gonna hang out, then we're not going in because now she's relaxed and she's looking up at the stars and the moon, and it was really beautiful. Every night there is so beautiful. And you said some very profound things about your mother, who's no longer with you. Yes, so can you talk a little bit about your dynamic with your mom and your relationship with her and how it's impacted you.
Man?
Yeah, I was, well, I was really a mama's like a mama's girl if it exists, Like, spent a lot of time with my mom.
We were kind of best friends. We would do everything together.
She was very much like one of those black excellence mothers, would like droll black history into me, take me to see Alvin Elli every year when they came to the city, make sure I went to like see black place, made sure I was you know, well read and just you know, had some education about myself and all that kind of stuff. But mostly she was a person that was focused on
making a whole person. I noticed a lot of people just like feed a kid and take care of it, but she was really into like who I was going to be and like what type of human I was going to be in the world, and she spent a lot of time like building a human, which I really appreciate. There there were so many times where she would check my behavior and I didn't understand it.
But now that I'm older, I was like, oh.
She was just nipping some nasty shit in the bud before it got too nasty and giving me real perspective.
Like when I was.
Little, I was like a little bit of a mean girl, and I could be a little bit of a bully, and like if I ever would act like that and my family or cousins would come over and I'd start being nasty and didn't want to share my toys, she would like pull me to the side and be like, you don't treat people that way, and like now they're playing with anything they want and you go sit over here by yourself because you don't know how to behave and like just stuff like that.
She was always actively parenting.
And then when she was sick and she was passing away and she knew she was sick and was most likely going to pass away from lupus, she really started to like kick it into high gear of just like make sure I had.
The stuff that I needed, you know.
And I just remember one poignant moment when I was about fifteen and my mother passed away when I was sixteen, and I was really acting out.
I was acting out in school. I was like coming home late.
I was just not acting of my character because I was so upset about what was happening. I just really didn't know where to place any other feelings. And I had started to just kind of separate from her. That's really what I was trying to do. I didn't want to be hurt when she died, so I started to try to like just act like I didn't just try to separate that connection. So I started like hang out late with friends and not coming home and just shit
like that. And one day she just pulled me to the side and she was like, are you mad at me? And I was like no, and she was like, you're lying, you're mad at me? And I was like so scared to tell her that I was angry with her, because I was like, what kind of person does that make me?
To be angry with my mom? Just because she's sick, you know what I mean?
Like she can't do anything about that, but I I'm really angry you know, and she was like it's okay, yeah, that she's dying, that she was gonna leave me, that she wasn't the same mom that I knew just four years ago, you know what I mean, we couldn't do the same things together and we were so close and always together, and now she's kind of bedridden and can't go outside and there's always doctors around and home health days and it's just not what I'm used to, you know.
And she was like it's okay. She was like, I know you're mad at me, and I know you don't know how to tell me, but it's okay, and you deserve to be angry. This is you know, this is a situation that is upsetting. And I'm your mother and there are things that I am supposed to do and I can't do them, and I get how that hurts you.
And I just started like fucking balling. I mean, I just started crying because it was like fear but also relief that like, oh, she sees me and understands this and I'm not like a fucking monster for feeling this way. And then she passed away the next year, and I'm always very grateful for that conversation because I don't know, I would probably had a lot more guilt on my
hands without it. Yeah, I'd probably been feeling way more guilt and out of carried that and it was already hard enough to figure myself out after that, But I can't imagine if I had added this.
Super layer of guilt on top of that.
And I think, you know, she was such a dynamic parent that she had the hindsight to relieve me of that, And you know, I just I will always have a special place.
In my heart for my mom.
Well, I don't think it's a little I mean, I don't. I mean, there is no one that I mean, hopefully, when your mother is a full bodied person, which is what she was trying to encourage you to be, there is no one that sees you like your mother sees Yeah.
Just a good woman.
And in times when I was very lost without her, it didn't really have my way anymore, and I started to do some things that I felt were really against my character. I leaned on her lessons and who she was, so I always say she still was my parent all through my life, even though she wasn't a lie because all of her lessons and everything that she laid the groundwork for parented me in those crucial hours when she wasn't there, so it was still like I had a mom.
Oh I love that. Well, on that note, let's take a break and we'll be right back.
And we're back, and we're back.
I love what you said about your mother, And there are so many mothers listening.
So I mean, there is a.
Big differentiation between parenting and being like Okay, they have to go to school and get fed and da da da, and actually shaping the person that they become, yea, and also all along allowing space for the emotions that you have, you know, because I always say, like people think they own their children.
It's like that's not your property, that's just of you.
Like they are here because of you and by way of you, but that's it.
Like truly engaging your kids. Like my mom would ask me a lot of stuff about how I felt, what I thought. You know, even before we go to the doctor, she'd be like, what are you going to talk to the doctor about today?
What are you feeling? What's bothering you?
Like, just giving me autonomy over myself is super important. Yeah, So you guys don't know how to parent better than me and Chelsea.
Yeah, Hot Parents and Tips is the hotline where you can contact me.
Yes, indeed, are we ready for some advice?
I think so. I like it.
I feel like Sam's ready.
Yeah, you're ready, Sam, I'm ready. Well.
Our first question comes from Elle. Dear Chelsea, I have a predicament and it's hard to stand by and watch. I've been with my husband for eight years and his sister, who I love, has been with her husband for twelve years. We love them both, but they've had a conflict for the past two years due to his inappropriate relationship with a coworker who we all think he cheated on her with.
He's never confirmed it, but he has engaged in a lot of inappropriate behavior, such as being in her room overnight while on a ski trip, lying to his wife about staying over in Fire Island with this woman, and also claiming she is his quote best friend. They're in couples therapy, and he is in his own therapy for his depression, which I personally think is fueled by his secrecy of what he's done. He even said he's unwilling to completely let go of this quote friendship for the
sake of their marriage. My sister in law says that in her gut, she does believe something happened, but she feels she quote needs confirmation eye roll. I'm a therapist myself, and so it's difficult from not only a personal standpoint, but a professional standpoint to watch this go on. No one else knows this is happening. She wants kids, as she's in her mid thirties now, and the situation is of course not making her want kids with him anytime soon,
So she's putting her life on pause for him. I encourage her to set firm boundaries, which she struggles with. What else do I say to her? I really want to say something to him, and he knows, she confides in us. It's so hard to watch her hurt. Meanwhile, we all know the untold truth.
Sincerely, Elle, well from your from one rascal to another, what's your advice?
You're a cheat? You were a cheater?
WOA. Well see what I'm saying this, This is what I'm talking about. Rab arouser. Really, Oh, there's nothing she can do. She got them on her business.
Yeah, there's really nothing she can do. Like, what are you gonna do? Like your sister? It doesn't.
She has a hard time creating boundaries, so that means she's not like as strong as she can be, and she doesn't want to know the truth even though her God is telling.
Her or something different.
Anyone who lies about sleeping with a woman in a place is lying because they did something right, not because they didn't want to upset you. Because you can tell the truth and say, listen, I know this sounds but that's not true.
Bro, that's not true.
Here we go, that's not true. That's not true. There's been plenty of times where things like that have happened. I really did not do anything. But I'm like, it doesn't matter. If I come with this whole truth and I go, yo, I didn't do anything, I'm gonna live under the same suspicion as if I don't because.
She's not gonna believe I didn't do anything. Yeah, and I'm telling you, I've literally lived this. So is this not all? That's not all the way true.
But the problem is most likely he was already displaying certain behaviors. And that's where I'm not I wasn't taking responsibility. It was the fact that I was already doing other shit that made me less believable in that situation, even though I was telling the truth.
In that situation, my track record was fucked.
Like in a loving, happy relationship, I would say to the guy like, oh, yeah, my boyfriend, I would say, oh, by the way, I slept in a bed with this guy last night, Like I don't know why I would do that, because I mean, I'm too old for that shit. But maybe maybe there would be some circumstance I couldn't
get home or something. But I would always front load the truth because I'm not guilty of anything, you know what I mean in that realm, Like in my relationships, I'm not some sort of you know, I'm not up
to one relationship at a time is exhausting enough. So and also him saying that he wouldn't that he wouldn't end his friendship with his coworker over his marriage hello, Like, I mean, she's just gonna find out he's cheating on her at some point, so it would be more proactive to like get to the bottom of it now.
So yeah, there's nothing you could do.
No, I think as a sister, you have to let everybody learn the lessons they're supposed to learn.
Stay out of people's marriage. I have a firm stay out of people's marriage rule. Like marriage is a whole different sport. People have a lot tied into that. You get in the middle of some stuff and then they don't.
Leave Rosebud's husband to get plugs.
I say, their marriage, that's different. I'm the reason that babies here.
Okay, oh my god, Yeah you probably did say if that marriage, I wouldn't put it past you.
I mean, would you say anything to the husband? I mean, what do you?
I would because I'm a confrontational person and I would be like, hey, fu face, I fucking know what you're up to. Yeah, totally, just to get a read on the situation, because I'm pretty good at telling if people are lying or not. I mean, it's pretty easy to spot a liar. Yeah, people lie and they act like, you know, they can't look you in the eye, they're distracted.
But the wife knows she's lying. I suppose that's his wife. She knows that he's lying.
She's just not ready to do with.
It's not ready. Yeah, she's not ready. And also, your gut is like how many times can we say this? Like, you have got to listen to your gut, your gut is telling you that you yes. And the only time your gut is wrong is maybe if you're so high that you're a little bit paranoid, and that might be fake, like a false intuition. But like when you're clear headed and you have this feeling and it doesn't go away, it's because something is not right.
Yeah.
Yeah, they say have more like brain cells, more thinking cells in your stomach than in your actual brain. So like your gut is actually communicating with you, it's physically literally telling you stuff. We just have to listen. I think. Also the question that comes up for me too, is like saying to your sister, like, if this is not the deal breaker, If like not knowing whether he cheated, whether he didn't cheat, it is not the deal breaker.
Do you really still want to be in a relationship with someone who treats you this way, who says he would not give up a friendship for you, who says you know, that's probably an unhealthy thing, who lies to you, et cetera, who's being cagy Like, is that enough for you even if he didn't cheat, Is that an okay relationship for you to stay in?
No, I'm right, it's not.
It's not no, none of it. Yeah exactly, there you go.
Yeah they're married though, yeah, yeah, but still I don't know, man. I think I think.
I think we like to live in the world where we like to make these things so clear and cut and so is this that or is this this? It's you meet people at different places and phases in their life. They're going through different shit. Some of it is if you fuck with a person, are you just gonna deal with this person shit? Are you willing to dig in there?
Unpack it?
Figure out why they are the way they are, why they're moving the way they're moving, because there could be a million reasons. And it's not just all cheating, because even under cheating, there's usually a lot of shit as to why someone moves this way and why someone gets whatever they get out of cheating. And so it's like are you are you do you want to work with this person? And then the boundaries of how you're willing to work with this person, which is hard for someone
who's like I am bad at boundary setting. It's the thing I we talk about a couple of therapy all the time, as Ore was not good at setting boundaries. And if we get into this big discussion about Partially that is not the reason, but that was a partial reason. Why cheat is because I was feeling so violated in my relationship and I was not good at going stop, I don't like this, or this makes me feel this way, or this does this to me. I was just splintering, Okay, fine,
you're gonna do that, do you. I'll just go over here and do me. And that's not the way to handle it, which is why it's like do you just you got to decide if you want to deal with the person. And that's why they stay out their marriage because you just don't know. She could also be doing shit you don't know about. They're in the workings of
what's happening there. She might understand more than you understand, like oh, some of this is based on this or that, like you just don't know their business.
Yeah, Or she could just go directly to the source and ask the girl. Oh oh, not that she'll always tell you the truth, because she said she needs a confirmation. She's got a guy that she wants a confirmation. Go to the girl and ask her.
Which she hasn't done it yet. Is because she knows it's true.
Because that's Usually a woman's first move is to text the woman.
Yeah, but texting is no good. It's a face to face because.
Then you even read the signs, read the eyes.
Yes, like my girlfriend was having someone was having an affair. Her husband was having an affair with this other woman, and my girlfriend the same thing. They're now divorced, thankfully, but same thing. She went over to his house to snoop and guess who was there? The girl that he denied having a relationship with, and they were sorry, they were separated at this point, so they were married and they were getting separated, and she didn't know because he kept denying it.
I've never cheated. I've never cheated. This girl does that. We're not we're only friends. We're only friends.
She found all these texts and she went over there and guess who was there with the key to his house?
The fucking girlfriend.
So there's the confirmation, like you know, and that was it. Then she's like, fine, I fucking know now. So I guess everybody needs to figure out the way they need to figure out. But we're telling you he's probably juting. Yes, anyway, do we have next call?
Our next question comes from Anna and she is joining us on the phone. Here, Anna says, Dear Chelsea, it's been a year since my ex and I broke up. We dated for about a year and it ended on pretty horrible terms. A few months ago, I found out through a friend of mine that he's on dating apps looking for relationships with men. On the one hand, this took a huge weight off my shoulders because up until
then I didn't understand why the relationship ended. On the other hand, I recently trying to be in dating again, but no matter what I do, every time I go out with a man, I'm inundated with thoughts that he is gay. I genuinely had never thought of it before, but now it's become my greatest fear. How do we get out of this headspace?
Anna, Hiana, Hiana, hi Hi. I don't think you have to worry about every man being gay. I mean, you already did that. That doesn't happen multiple times. You're not just only attracting gay men. That's just like one example of what happened in your life. You know, stick to your original instinctual reaction, which was what a relief like. It probably had very little to do with you and
more to do with him. Struggling with his sexuality and most men that are on dating apps, especially apps, because there's the I mean, what's the point of looking for someone you're not attracted to. The whole point is to hook up and meet somebody and possibly date somebody. So if you're on an app and they're seeking women, that's where the honesty comes in.
That's the most honest part about.
Being on an app is like, I'm looking to get laid with you.
Right, I'm looking to date you.
I mean, they can lie about other things, but the actual sexuality is pretty like it's an open playing field. So if they're there to meet women, then I think you can, like, you know, pretty much rest assured that that's the truth.
And he's also might not be like gay, right, he might just be fluid. He might just be by and didn't want to talk to you about that part, and he might be like, now I want some dick this week, you know, like now I'm in my months of getting dig So you shouldn't take it like, oh, is it me? He's just out here chilling. I mean, at the end of the day, it's like he's just dating other people.
Right, So I think my fear is that I live in the South, and that adds like a whole other element too, And I think.
And he's military too, right, he said, so like there's a lot of.
Oh, you gotta give us all the details.
Yeah, and it actually has like a kind of incredible dramatic story of the breakup.
But what tell us give us the abridge version.
You gotta give him the juice?
Yeah, Okay. So when I told Katherine the story, I was the first time I'd ever told her like in totality, and so I'm going to try to make it a little more brief than what I told her, But essentially what happened we like, we dated for a long time. Everything was great, and then one night we ended up going to sleep together in my apartment. He lives about an hour from me, so every weekend he'd like come
down and stay in my apartment. Whatever. That was nothing different, and we went to bed together and I woke up at like four o'clock in the morning to him coming into my apartment and I was like, that's weird because I fell asleep with you. What are you doing? And so I see him walk in and he is like blacked out, like figety figety fucked up, like to the point that I'm like, what happened in the last you know, four hours that you got to this point. So he comes in my room and I'm like, not about to
argue with the drunk person. So I'm like I'm going to go to sleep. What is that?
Okay?
Whatever?
So I wake up, you know, like four hours later, and I'm like, where did you go? And he was like, I told you that I left. No you didn't, No, you didn't. And he's like, no, I told you. I told you. I want to go meet some of my friends. I'm sorry, like maybe you just forgot. And I was like, okay, well, like on the off chance that that happens, whatever, but
go on with our day. And then later that night, I am in the bathroom getting ready to go to a friend's birthday dinner and he's coming with me, and I see his phone light up on my bathroom counter and it's a bumble notification. So I looked at it and I look at myself in the mirror, and I need everybody listening to this podcast to just like send a future prayer to my children. And I'm ever blessed with them because unless they take on like the criminal
prowess of whoever the hell killed the black doll. You ain't no way they're going to get away with anything with me because I took the phone and I start packing up his stuff and just walk in the living room and I'm like, gotta get out of here. What am I looking out on the screen. And he's like, oh, I don't know. I don't know, and starts like messing around with it and deleting some like fleeting stuff, hands it back to me. He's like, I don't know what
you're talking about. I said, okay, let's redownload the app. Then, so I redownload Bumble and I give it back to him and see like all his matches, all his everything, and he hands it back and he's like no, like I don't know. And I was like, all right, well then me can tipeck your phone now. So I took back his phone and I went to the Uber app and I see that he ubered from my apartment last night at like one am to a bar that he said that he went to, but he ubered home from
somewhere else. So I said, let's look up the address. So I look up the address and it's a hotel so I give it back to him and say, now, what's this? How did you get back? Like, how did you get from here to here? He's like, oh, I walked, I walked there. I was having a bad night, so I just ended up walking. And then I ubered back and I said, okay, let's open up your woop app then, which is like fitbit kind of what tracks your steps.
And I said, oh god damn.
I said, you didn't take the steps?
King?
Yeah, yah king ya ya ya yagu yeah fucking seriously, yeah.
I was like, you didn't take enough steps. There ain't no way you could have walked from this.
Bar to the Why were you at a hotel? Like why you got that?
He said that that's just like where he ended up. And then I was like, yeah, I know that lie.
Like I just was walking and I was angry and that this was the best place to get a car because it was a location.
And then I took and then I used his faith and I opened up his bank app and said, now you spent six hundred dollars on a room at this hotel?
Though, yeah, yeah, will do yes, yeah, yeah, You're like magnum pia.
That's what I'm saying. Well, I'm a horrible liar myself because this is what I go through on my own head. I'm like, how could someone possibly debunk this? And then I'm just like, oh, a raccoon actually came over to my house and my lives are horrible.
Because I just like and so that's how you broke up?
Well, no, unfortunately I don't have I didn't have that much self respect at that point, and was like, I'm you know what I can forgive you of this? And then throughout the week he kept calling me saying that he was having a lot of mental health problems and that he was suicidal. Then one day he was like, hey, I'm having a really hard time. I think I have access to you know, guns and stuff because it's the military, and he's like, I'm having a lot of really really
negative thoughts. So he's like I just need like a little bit of space for a second. And I was like, all right, that's okay. That was at like five pm on a Friday, and I wake up the next morning I've not heard anything from him, So I start calling him and I realized he'd like removed his location and he wasn't answering his phone. I called him like a lot of times after testing his friends asking they'd heard from him, and they said no, like reaching out to
his brother everybody. So I ended up getting the car and driving up to his apartment. I had a key and I go in and all my stuff is gone out of the apartment. We had pictures and notes all hung up, that was all swept clean from the apartment and I didn't hear from him for two days.
I really thought that he was dead.
I was horrible. I was a mess. I it was just a really bad time for me. And then he kind of just cheat ended up showing up in my apartment and was like, sorry, I can't be in a relationship anymore, and he told his whole family. I forgot one of his friends to call me back and he was like, yeah, so I heard you all broke up
last night, So sorry about that. So he called his entire family and friends and said that that we broke up, so that if I had reached out then it would look I was like, I was like a crazy ex girlfriend being like where is he? What are you doing? So it was wild. I haven't really heard a journey.
Well, good riddance, good good ridden. I mean First of all, I'm glad you shared all of the your sleuth thing because that's very important for our listeners to hear about. Because I am more disappointed that you stayed with him after you found out that he went to fucking hotel room and rented a hotel room I know, and then came back to you at four in the morning. So you know, let's not try let's try not to repeat that.
But honey, listen, you don't have to worry about Most men are not trying to have sex with women when they're gay. This guy sounds like he had a lot of issues going on. He knows what they are. Who knows if it's his sexuality at all. Maybe he's into both people and maybe he's into God take whatever. I mean.
He sounds gay.
I think he was secretly gay and he was struggling with it, and he was getting blasted and going to hooking up with dudes and having drunk blasted gay sex.
Yeah, that's interesting because his little brother is by and he's like super supportive.
Of that, and like is he's the oldest.
He's the oldest, and he has a lot of gay friends.
Well he's that's in the military.
It's like that's not very easy to be in the military and be out as gay, Like that's not like that's not like rooted for you know, you can.
Also be like cool with other people being something, but then you can you know, sometimes people fetishize things and they're like, I'm not really gay, I just like get my dick suck by dudes, and then they like like go like compartmentalized. Yeah, and it sounds like it kind of crashed on him and he was like, no, maybe I actually I'm just holy this and he didn't know how to like make that make sense.
Almost all my friends also have the same fear though as I do, because of.
What you went through.
No, I know this was like a pre this is like before this even happened, that we're all like secretly dating guys that are gay.
Maybe need to get out of the South.
No, it's well I live. I'm gonna expose myself further. I live in Nashville, and so it's very like everyone here is like newly gay, but they all have this like look where they were like their grandmother's pearls and weigh like a collective eighty pounds. So like I think it's not what I grew up because I'm from the Midwest originally and so like it's not like picturing like a man to be I guess, which is like so patriarchal,
and I fully understand that. But okay, now it's just like an irrational fear that I have.
Yeah, but I think, like, you know, it is irrational, and that's all you need to know about it.
Like you can't just like let.
That run you. You have to go out.
First of all, I would have sex with people.
I'd like to have sex with people right away to get things going, to understand if you even know what that vibe is to be, because I've gone out with guys who aren't able to like have sex with me even you know, or get it up or whatever, and I'm like, well, this isn't gonna work. It doesn't matter if you're gay or not. Like that's not gonna work
for me, you know. But like, yeah, there are a lot of people that are fluid, and there are a lot of people that are by and there are a lot of people who are shamed of being gay that don't want to be out and about about it. But it's the exception. I would say, it's not the norm, like those dating apps. Do you know Taren Feldman by any chance? She's in Nashville local. She's a makeup artist. Follow her on Instagram because she talks about online dating all the time.
She's like, it's dick delivery. She's like, this is what I use it for.
She's like, I want dick and then if I like them, then I start dating them. And I'm like, okay, well that's one. You know, that's an avenue for her. That's not for everybody, because if you're trying to find somebody, you know, you may have a different approach. I don't have any shame about people having sex on the first date. I think that's actually very natural as adults, what you know, Like, that's how you find out if you have chemistry. But
I really need you to like reset your expectation. It would be very rare for this to happen to you twice, Okay, I think, so think about that, you know what I mean. There's not a lot of people who are like, oh, I dated too gay men.
Usually it's one and done.
Okay, that makes me feel better.
But it's also not a rational thought, you know what I mean. It's an experiential thought like it's happened to you, and you're saying your girlfriends it's definitely irrational for them as well, because if it hasn't happened to you, there's no reason to be really that.
Worried about it.
That's like me getting worried about being bitten by a snake when it's never happened, just because I don't like snakes and I don't want them to bite me. I don't worry about that because it's ridiculous. Sorry if that's not the right parallel, but it's just like the fact that it's happened to you is more on your side than it is for your girlfriends. Okay, your conversations with them should be like, hey, listen, I'm in the clear.
Yeah, I got mine off the way.
My whole thing is like, now that I've like lived through this, I'm like I could survive damn near anything, because I like I have come out on the other side. I'm sure, like I'm all glued back together now and I'm it's fine. So even if it does happen again, if it's like lightning strikes twice kind of thing obvious, yes, my god.
You will be fine. You will be fine, but just start thinking about all of the things that you actually wanted a man and actually visualizing that, manifesting it, all of that stuff. That's yeah, yeah, Sierra's prayer. Get one of your what is that called? What is Oprah's like? Not her wish list?
What is it?
Oh no, it's not. Oh a vision board.
Just start cutting out vision board, Oprah's favorite. Just go to oprah dot com and figure out your problem. Okay, but seriously, just start and body and like, think about what you are looking for. Write it down, pull out pictures for magazines, whatever is going to help you to shift your energy towards the positive things that you're going to find it.
Amazin picture of Billy Porter and then you put a circle.
Not what I'm looking for. Okay, all right, all right, yeah, get back on track. I'm glad you're past that. And you know what, listen, and everybody who's ever gone through anything difficult and is out on the other side as on the other side of it, understands we can survive almost anything. As you know, any sort of emotional trauma people survive. So you've gotten through that, you'll get through
other things. And the important thing to remember is, like you're in the position of a situation, you've accepted the outcome, and now your life has moved on. Like, if everyone could hear that when they're going through the thick of it, it would be a much different grief process. It would be much shorter, and you know, a lot if you would feel a lot less like shit all the time.
Yeah, and even though your situation was different because he was cheating, I do think this message is to like all like straight to his people. Stop making it such a big deal. It's not that big of a deal. It's not different than an if he just was dating other people. People grow and are consistently changing who they were when you met them to who they are later.
It doesn't really fucking matter.
You know, there's a lot of dudes I had sex with you with like a modern reason you're eating pussies, and it's like, nah, man, I'm just living a different life now, right, that makes sense.
It'd be fun to tell a guy you're exactly the reason I went from you to eating pussy. That's what I have to say about that relationship turns.
You can go run and tell people that now. Thank you, Anna appreciate y'all.
Good lighting and though too, Thanks Carols, just my apartment, Thanks Anna Bute.
It was like soft porn lighting a little. I just felt my edible kick in just in time for our last call. Yeah, excellent.
Well let's take a quick break and we'll be right back.
Okay, we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back. And we're already back.
Oh my god, we're already back, So Lena wrote in, and she says, Dear Chelsea, my partner doesn't drink often. However, about once or twice a year he drinks a lot. He's British on an empty stomach, and that's when it all goes downhill. He turns into a different person, and it often ends with him getting naked. And one of these times he left the house. If I hadn't been home to open the door, he'd just be locked outside
the building naked. Another time, he got naked and walked into the flat next door, and as the door was open, he got into their bed and slept. Fortunately he didn't wet their bed, which is another thing that often happens on these occasions. Last time he was so out of it he didn't know how to get home and didn't even know where home was. It took him four hours to finally get home after one too many calls from a then pregnant me. I have no idea how he
feels about these episodes. Brits are not exactly known for their communication skills. He behaves like it's no big deal, but I suspect he knows it is. I really really want him to go to therapy to learn how to deal with his shit, not just drinking, but any other curveball's life throws. But I know if I suggest it, he'll dismiss it and possibly be upset with me. What can I do. I'm tired of dealing with his shit, even if it's sporadic. Thank you Lena.
Damn, as she considered that she might be dating a werewolf.
I don't know why the British loved to get naked when they're drunk. I was at a wedding once in England in the countryside, and this it was a fancy wedding. We were at like some manor, and the fiance the groom came out. We were all in this backyard of this manner having drinks and it was a very British affair, and this guy, the groom came running streaking through the backyard butt naked, and it was like a very fancy event, and ran right into a brick wall because the whole
backyard was encased by brick walls. Ran streaking naked, ran right into the brick wall, slammed his head and face into the brick wall, ricocheted off of it, fell down, and then pete on the ground. Oh geez.
And then the next day.
Was the wedding and he was there and everyone acted like nothing had happened. And I was like, wait a second, what is happening. I go, if this were America, he would be at Betty Ford. If this is the same dude, it sounds like, but everyone was just like everyone in England.
There's a much different attitude towards alcohol there. First, But this is a dangerous problem that you have with your husband, and the fact that you're scared to upset him is really like very telling because you can't be scared.
You have a child with him now, right, Yeah.
Yeah, you can't be scared to upset him. Who gives a shit. He has a fucking like allergy to alcohol. He's like allergic to alcohol. If when he drinks he ends up in someone's bed, Like, what the fuck do the neighbors have to say about that? You could get.
Arrested for that, especially being naked in their bed.
Also, he's covering like a lot of ground naked. He's getting really far naked.
She's like he and opening the door for him, Like why would you let him sleep outside in the fucking cold so he can learn his lesson and wake up sober?
And I understand British people.
Are less skillful in areas of therapy and communication in terms of emotions, but this is something that he does need to go to therapy. He needs to find out why he's acting like that, why he even needs to do that twice a year, because it's clearly he can't be having a good time when he doesn't remember anything.
Yeah, and it's also you sat in a boundary and you confronting him like that's a part of it is that you can't be complacent. You got to go to him and say clearly, like you're doing this and this is a problem, like and we have a child in this can't continue.
Yeah.
I mean you have like five examples already, and so I'm sure there are many more that you can cite and it's not acceptable. It's not acceptable behavior. You're not going to tolerate it anymore. And what does he want to do about that? Yeah, because it's not like he's doing it all the time, so he doesn't need to do it at all.
Right, But that's probably why he thinks it's okay too, because he's like, I'm not doing this a bunch, just twice a year. You got to do with me getting a little wacky? What's the big deal? But it's like, no, it's a big deal, bro.
Yeah, But I think Chelsea, what you said is really important too, Like what do you want to do about that? Because it's not like are we going to or are we not? It's like putting the ball back on his court, Like what are we doing? What do you want to do? What are the steps you want to take? Because steps need to be to whatever.
They are, And let him know that you called into a podcast, be like I've actually reached out about this because I'm so worried.
Yeah, absolutely, nip it in the bud.
I think that's all we can do there. So moving right along to our last question, Dear Chelsea, I'm a twenty seven year old gay guy, living in New York City to start. My problem feels like somewhat of a champagne problem. In short, I'm a people pleaser with too much on my social calendar. Since I've moved to New York, I've gone from knowing nobody to making a ton of different friends in so many different circles gay, straight men, women,
My groups run the gamut. Now, However, I feel as though each group and each friend wants a piece of me, and when I can't give it or decide to take time for myself, someone gets hurt and or upset with me. I feel like I'm always digging myself out of a hole with someone, or kissing ass after skipping their dinner party, etc. For something else. I also feel like this is cutting into my dating life and the occasional nights I'd actually
like to stay at home alone. I love my busy life and I'm an extroverted people enthusiast, but I do feel like I need them to understand that I have to fill my cup before I can fill theirs. Any advice, John.
Well, Yeah, just fucking do it, John.
You know what do you mean to do?
You don't have to explain yourself to all of these people. You just say, oh, I'm not available that night. You don't have to tell them why, or that you want to be alone, or that you're sleeping or you can you know, just you don't have to explain yourself to all these people. You're just not available when they want you there. So it's not a big deal. You're actually making it a big deal.
And I think too, if you do want to have like something concrete to do, you could be like, you know what Sundays is my like alone time, It's my hermit time. And also like turn your phone off. Stop looking at your phone, because if you're not seeing these text messages come in being like hey come to our party whatever, you're not gonna feel a fomo.
And you're blaming everybody for wanting pieces of you instead of yourself, Like you're the problem. You are over extending yourself, you're allowing yourself to be like you know that's people want pieces of me too.
I don't give it to me.
No, I'm like, I know I need to sleep for two days. I came up yesterday. I'm like I have to for twenty four hours. Do you not fucking talk to me? You don't call me nobody, and I throw my phone in the garbage.
And it also sounds like I'm reading this, but it feels like you're not being straight up either. It feels like because you're a people pleaser, you know probably two days before you're not going to this thing, or you don't want to go, but you're just not being straight up and being like, yeah, probably not gonna make that one or so it's a little bit about you being honest.
To yeah, because people pleasing is a lie. Yes, that's a lie, because you're not you're only just growing resentment towards the people that you're pleasing that you don't feel like it, so you're really not You're pleasing other people while taking away your own kind of sanctuary of space.
And it only gets worse as you get older.
So you have to really honor the time that you want to spend by yourself, and filling your cup up is way more important and you're gonna have way more bandwidth for when you're around.
Other people when you have enough energy on your own.
And also like, it's okay to disappoint people sometimes it's okay for them to be man.
And also it's okay to just be honest and say, hey, I'm just not in the mood. I mean, I'm really spent, really tired. I've been socializing. I promise myself I'm going to take some time, and I am. And that's what I need to do tonight.
So it's okay to just not show up like everybody's grown exactly.
I mean, well some people are, but some people are still growing. I mean they look like they're grown, but they're not now anyway, Well, I hope that helps John get your shit together. As our final statement for that. Yeah, so problem solved, Sam, It's been a pleasure as usual. It was fun, all right, Love you Sam Jay. Everybody make sure you watch your special on Max.
Yeah.
Okay, So show dates coming up Canadian show dates. These are for Canadians, guys. I'm coming January nineteenth, Edmonton, January twentieth, Saskatoon February ninth. I'll be in Winnipeg February twenty third. Calgary that is almost sold out, so we'll get your tickets. Victoria, BC is March eighth, March ninth. Is Kelowna also almost sold out. Not sure if I'm adding second shows yet because of my schedule. Vancouver is March twenty ninth, and that is almost sold out. Then I will be in
Salt Lake City April fourth and Denver April fifth. I'm coming to Arizona at Maricopa April twelfth. April thirteen, I'll be in Brooks, California at the Cash Creek Casino, and then I'm going to be in Santa Rosa Sunday, April fourteenth. I'm coming to Richmond, Virginia, Baltimore, Maryland on April twentieth, Gary, Indiana, Prior Lake, Minnesota. Coming to Oklahoma Norman, Oklahoma on May third and May fourth. I will be in Thackerville, Oklahoma
for my rescheduled Windstar World Casino date. And I want to make sure that I give a shout out to our show for Netflix. As a joke festival, I put together a show with some of my favorite comics. It's May eleventh at the YouTube Theater Downtown, which I've never performed in, so that's going to be fun. It's pretty big. I have Beteo Lane, I have Fortune Themester performing. I have Sam Jays on the show and Vanessa Gonzale. So we it is called a Jew two Mexicans, No, a Jew two days at a Mexican.
You know, a Jew three days at a.
Mexican, So it's political correctness at its finest. And then I will be in Verona, New York on May twenty sixth, and then I'm coming to Australia in July and New Zealand July fifth, Auckland and I'm coming to Wellington, New Zealand, Melbourne, Brisbane, Sydney and then Thursday, August first, which is a long way away and a date I am just seeing that I am not ready to announce. Okay, So those are all my dates that are up and available, so get your tickets.
I can't wait to see you. Yeah, that's it.
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickard executive producer Catherine Law and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com