Mothers Part 1

advice seems to be my specialty. Um, but I actually do really enjoy giving advice to people, and I am very delighted also to bring to the for my assistant, Brandon, because not only does Brandon lighten up my life, he lightens up everyone who's in my life their life as well. He is able to just like bring sunshine. People want to face time with Brandon. My family misses Brandon, like everybody loves Brandon, and he needs to be shared with

the world. So I was, yeah, I know, I know, that's probably the first time you're hearing me say any of that. You must be blushed, but you're not. I'm looking at you and you're actually not blushing, So that's weird. But anyway, we have given not only advice to each other on several occasions. You've helped me when I was going through therapy and constantly like I'm still grappling with not being a fucking contall the home. Yes, I'm on

a cunt loop. You know, there's a period of time where I'm like completely grounded and understanding that i have to be nice, compassion and empathetic, and then there's another period of time where I'm so sick of doing that. Yes, there's a peak in a valley. Anyway, You've always been very good at helping me when I've been struggling with you know, how to handle my emotions, my emotional roller coasters, things like that, and also we've given advice together with

lots of friends. You know, a lot of my friends come to me when they're in crisis, and I, for some reason, I'm very drawn to being able to fix a crisis. That's my personality type. I've accepted it. I no longer reject it. But I know that I'm good in a crisis and sometimes when I have overflowed with patients. You have taken on some of my friends who need help and support that You've contracted me and on a

few of your project and you've been doing well. Yeah, you have an active case in Canada right now, So how's that going. I'm gonna have to report back because I've not had a status update in a little while, which is concerning, so I'm going to check in today. Actually, this is a good girlfriend of mine who was having trouble with her teenage son, and I enlisted Brandon to talk to her because Brandon was also I was a

troubled youth. Yeah. I was a troubled youth too. I was pregnant twice by the time I was fifteen, so I was no walk in the park for my parents, Which is why I think the perspective that we're able to give on some of these is interesting because we're not actually living some of these cases, whether it be with marriage or kids or certain types of relationships, so we can give an objective perspective. Yeah, I agree with that.

I agree with the fact that because neither of us have children, we can give objective feedback about how your children are behaving and your relationship with them because all we do is see people with children. I've seen so many different kinds of parenting in my life, so I do feel like I have an idea about giving advice on the subject matter which will come in handy. So we're going to do all sorts of different types of Mother's Day, right ins Okay, So some that need a

perspective on being a mother. Some that have issues with their mother, and you're wearing a necklace on this on this recording day. Is that for any reason in particular? No, that just is how I was feeling this morning when I woke up. But it has no regard to how I feel about Mother's Day, which is I would say my mom is, my mom is dead. Your mom is a hot mess. She is. I always say that she

when we frame it that way. I like to say that my mother is a mix between Martha Stewart and Anna Nicole Smith, because she's very beautiful and she's very domestic, but she's messy. She's messy because she has like a drinking problem. Yeah she's got Yeah, she's just got problems. She's got. She's got a variety of them, and they don't coincide well together, right, they don't live well together. My mother was really sweet, really nice, really the opposite

of me. Not. She was very much not outgoing, very introverted, quiet, but had like a kind of sarcastic undertone, and she was never into alcohol or anything like that. She was like a total homebody mama, bear like snuggly, like you wanted to come home, snuggle her, and then she would give you a Snickers bar. Well, and she passed about a decade ago. Don't say passed like that. I always find that so, well, did she passed away? Not passed.

That's like saying somebody crossed over. Maybe she did. She did because I talked to my mother every morning and meditation. I'm like, okay, I I summoned my mother and I pretend like that she's with me. I actually I have to say with meditation and therapy and all that stuff. Now that my mother is dead, I feel closer to

her than I did when she was alive. But was that immediate or as time has gone on now most recently like after you know, learning all the stuff I learned about, like energy and that no one's ever really gone. They just transformed into something else, like a leaf, like a leaf for it. Yea. But yeah, so Mother's Day, the topic of Mother's Day was always something that you did out of respect to mother's right, and that's a necessary tradition that should keep going. But there are different

types of mothers in our lives. Is something else that I've come to realize as you get older, some people play a motherly role even though they're not your mother or can give you that sort of insight or perspective or nurturing that you need. And so you just have to appreciate all the women in your life for the mother that they do. Yeah. Yeah, And there's a lot of people that remind me of my own mom, you know that I'm drawn to that aren't mothers in my life,

but they have that same energy. You know, what was your favorite thing about your mom? My mom was just just a snuggle fest. Like you just wanted to like roll up in a ball and like watch TV with her, and she'd like tickle the bottom of your feet. And she was all about food. So that's why I have like, you know, she would make macaroni and cheese, like the really good cheesy kind at like three when we would

get home from school. At that point, I was youngest, so I was only yeah, well basically yeah, something of that magnitude of cheese, and it would be home at three o'clock in the afternoon, like and I assume that was a snack, you know, So I would eat that every day and then like I wonder why I have sucking, you know, issues with food is because my mother was feeding me like I was like, we just came out

of a war. Was that her love language? Yes? Yeah, whatever that means, Brandon, I'm assuming that was yes, I mean love language. I can only assume what that means. Well, you know what's interesting is the way you describe your mother. You describe your dogs that you want a dog who wants to cuddle you all the time and just as a little ball that you can curl up into. It wouldn't be any surprise to me if my mother was burnt, like I wouldn't be any super now. She'd be Bernice,

because Bernice gives me the finger all the time. My mom had that kind of wicked sense of humor where she would come back as a dog just to ignore Your mom must be spirit hopping, because at one point it was chunks spirit. She's just like going from dog to dog, just this one goes. She's like, okay, I'm gonna pop on into this one. Yeah. Yeah, but that's something my mother would do, would come back as a dog and then just be an asshole to me. Once

I moved to l A, I was really young. I was like nineteen or twenty and I moved to l A. And if I didn't call her like every other day or whatever it was. Every third day she would call me until I called her back. And this was before cell phones, like we're everywhere, you know you had one, But like, I would never answer myself from him, So she kept calling my landline. So one morning it started

bringing at four am. I ignored it five am and then I answered it and she was like, this is what happens when you don't call your mother, and then hung up on me. So she woke me up at like those times. So that was her sense of humor, Like yeah, just like I'm a little bit of a bit, but I'm not too much of a bit. But she was sharp. Everyone in her family seems to have that gene. They were they're quick. Oh yeah, well that's nice. I mean, I'm glad that they would probably love to hear you

say that. Everyone's pretty quick, but everyone's very sarcastic. So quick, isn't you know the word? Everyone's just a little bit like subversive. Do you have a favorite memory of your mom? It would involve food, probably Martha's vineyard, being on the beach with her, because she would never come to the beach. My mom like never did any of the things that a mother did. She never went to my school conferences on my like ninth birthday, she never came to pick

me up from school. She said. I was like, hey, it's my birthday. I want you to take me to Launch school literally was down the street. I wrote the letter for her. She signed it. That's how I operated on my whole childhood until I started just forging both of their signatures because I was like, these two are fucking deadweight, like my parents were deadweight. So I wrote this. I'm like, please excuse Chelsea, it's her birthday. I'm taking her a lunch. No one shows, my mother never shows,

and I walk home. I'm fuming, so I have to go back to class. I have not gotten out to Launch on my birthday. I'm so pissed. You know, I'm nine years old, so it's everything. I walk home, I storm it, and I just remember fucking going off on my mother, like how could you leave me on my birthday? How could you fucking do that? Do you understand all I ask of you is to do one thing, and that's to pick me up. And she's like, sweetie, I

was picking you up. I picked you up, and she picked me up, But she never came into the school to sign me out, Like she just sat at this parking lot that I come out to at the end of the day, you know, on the days she did decide to pick me up, and she didn't even understand that you had to go in and sign your child out, like she didn't understand any of the mechanics. And no, no, she couldn't. And she was tired all the time, so

she must have been depressed. Now, in retrospect, all signs leading I mean, being married and my father could not have been uplifting. You have two sisters, Which of you three has more of your mom? Nice sister Shoshana for sure. But that's enough about my mother. Let's talk about your mother so you can bring people up to speed on the kind of situation you're dealing with. So your mother has been divorced like six times. Okay, why don't you

start with that. By the way, mom, if you're listening, nice to meet you know, i've met her before over the phone. I think I don't know anyway. Yeah, so she's just in that regard. Yeah, she's been married times. And the one thing I try and keep a positive outlook on most aspects of my mother's life. And in that regard, I say that, you know, she never stopped looking for love, and I think that most people become jaded by that if they don't find it the first

second or third time. But no, no, no, not her. She's not going to stop. That's an optimistic way of looking at it. So, yeah, she's just a woman with some issues. How was she growing up? How what kind of mother was she when you were growing up? Again, it was super high or super low. She was like, you know, from an outside perspective, she had it all together, and she's so pretty and she could do she was like Barbie as well. So she's done everything. She was. Yeah,

you showed me a picture of her. She was the woman at Lancomb who went around the US and like this is when department store makeup artists were like if you were one of those, you had your face on posters that you were coming in. And she was a projects manager for a chemical engineering company. She owned her open Bay caree. Like she's done everything. So I always thought of her as like a real life Barbie. There's

nothing she couldn't do. And she's a single mom with four kids, and you know, that cause issues of its own, but she always worked like three jobs to take care of us. So so I have a tender spot for any woman who I see going through something is I know that all of those people are just one bad decision away from being homeless, basically, so I try and be as empathetic as possible, even to my you know, mother, who I have no contact with, because she's just well,

that's not true. You you don't have no contact with her. You did call the police on her in her local city to let them know that she was drinking and driving and gave them her license plate number. So I would say that that's a not direct contract, but that's that's an indirect contact. And I like your style. I think that's fucking awesome. So we have to sometimes we end up parenting our parents, and that's okay, Yeah, we have to hold people accountable, right, I think that's true.

I think a lot of people parent their parents. I didn't really do that, I don't think. I mean, I'm the youngest of six kids, so I didn't have to parent my parents. But I definitely see you parenting your mom, and I mean us, because it's not me. I find it hilarious, Like, I find it hilarious. Your mother has to be like that you freeze her out and that you don't talk to her when she misbehaves, and that you're not willing to funk around. I think it's really funny. No,

I don't work around. I can't. I mean at this juncture, I'm thirty two years old, Like, I'm not gonna put up with that sort of behavior. And this is one of those situations in life that as you get older, if you do, and I'm assuming a lot of people who are going to listen to this have that dynamic with their parents, those are relationships you want, Those are not relationships you need. So once you make that distinction, things become much easier. Yeah, I mean you say that

a lot. You say those are relationships you want versus relationships you need, like a parent child relationship. But a lot of people think that you need that. They don't understand that you can divorce your parents or your son, and they don't have an ability to do it. Well, everyone has the ability to do it, because I've done. I was so codependent for so long, mean, we were in cahoots. But then once you just make that decision, like,

what is this relationship adding to my life? If it's positive, great, And if it's not, then you have to make an adjustment. And when you do, you feel so much more powerful in that relationship. Yeah. Yeah, well you're not behold in, you know. Yeah. I think we should take a quick break and then we'll come back and you want to start taking some callers, Yes, I would love to. We'll be right back. So our first mission comes from Billy, who is from Minneapolis. I like the way you get.

You get very excited when you talk about submissions. I like that you take it seriously. You better hang on. You've got quite a few today. Okay, Well I think better. Okay. So his name is Billy, he's thirty three, and he's from Minneapolis, and he writes, Dear Chelsea. I was raised an only and adopted child by my parents who are not able to conceive. My whole life has been based on my ability to be the perfect offspring. At thirty three years old, I still carry some of that baggage

and feel like a failure. Being adopted as a blessing and occurs you feel wanted, but you need to deliver. My parents wanted me to be an evangelical symbol of heterosexuality, but I ended up being a godless homo. Even when you're wanted, you still seek more. I met my birth mother when I was eighteen. I soon found out that she married my birth father and had three more children after putting me up for adoption. How do you move forward from an event like that and successfully seek and

identify your core beliefs? Seeking identity has been an ongoing issue for many years, and I'm hoping you can provide some insight on how you have built yours. In the past few years, there have been multiple debts within the family, including my adoptive father. Now it's just me and my adoptive mother. I want to move forward with my life in a different part of the country, but I know it will kill her. She's the only family I have left, and I need to develop myself somewhere else. Any thoughts

would be appreciated. Billy, Oh, my god, that is just so many things. Well, there's a lot going on there, but he's on the phone, so I think that we should get a little additional insight. Billy, h were you hi? Thank you for your letter. I mean that is a lot to handle. Yes, yes, it is, but that's life right. Well, yeah, because there's a lot to say here, Like you know, instinctively, I would always tell everybody to just like reach for their dreams and and go for it and take a

huge risk in life, which would be moving away. But then you say, your adoptive mother is a widow and she's there alone and you're all she has, so there's a sense of responsibility along with that. And is there any chance of your adoptive mother. We're going to get to all of this stuff that's in the letter, but is there any chance that your adoptive mother would be willing to relocate with you, not like live together, but

relocate together so that you're not separating. I don't think so, because her roots are pretty deep in that area, just because that's where she lived with my dad for so long. But I think overall, just because she and I have had a very tight knit relationship for a long time, and I think honestly moving away would be the best for both of us. Okay, well, then that seems like you already have the answer to that question, s jan If you know that intellectually, then all you have to

do is just kind of bite the bullet. And it seems like, you know, you don't have to go where Where does she live? She lives about an hour and twenty minutes away from where I live in Minneapolis. Okay, so you're thinking about leaving Minneapolis and going somewhere even farther all the way up to the main main Uh huh, Okay, Well, I think you deserve to do whatever you want to do with your life, you know, if you really want to take a leap of faith and try something new.

I really, my heart of hearts, don't think you'll ever regret making a move like that. You know, it might test your relationship, or it might make you closer with your mother because you haven't been a part and so there's a lot of codependency there. So and then let's get back to this adopted stuff about you and your adoptive parents and them having three more children together. That must feel like it's very very personal. Yes, um, my

birth mother got pregnant when she was nineteen. She was broken up with my birth father at the time, did not tell him that she was pregnant, and ended up having me, giving me up for adoption and not telling him for eighteen years. Okay, well, then there you go with the explanation for that reasoning, you know what I mean. So are you able to excise yourself from the idea that you were rejected because are you pass that or is that something you're struggling with? It comes and goes.

I mean I met them when I was eighteen, so it's been a few years and so there's been a lot of processing through it. Some days are good, some days are bad. But I mean it's one of those things that you go back to and you think over a little bit too hard. But then at the end of the day, it's like, I would not have the life that I have right now if it wasn't for that action that she did. And so there's just the acceptance peace. Yeah, absolutely, and I what God? And do

you still have communication with your biological parents now? Uh? Not for maybe a couple of years now. My birth mother has a very severe mental illness challenge, and it's well, there you go. You dodged another bullet by not being raised by her, So there you go. Yeah exactly. But I would urge you to really understand the value that you have just by being here, like you're not here by accident. People go back to negative narratives like oh god, well,

why did my parents do that? Why why didn't she tell him? For eighteen years? Maybe my life would have been different, Like your life isn't different. And the only way to capitalize on what you're going through right now is to be grateful and to accept it and to do what's in your best interest for you to thrive as a person and not to be depending on any

of these people in your life, right right, completely agree. Well, and you know, between going to school and I'm an alcohol and drug counselor as well, you're gonna I'm an alcoholic, I'm like, no, ship, I wouldn't be too, No, not for the moment um. Yeah, but I every day I talked to clients about what it's like to are asking

them to search for their own identity as well. And I was actually just looking at my own life and being like, you know what, I haven't been really walking this walk either, And so you know, identity is based on our experiences and lessons learned through adverse experiences, right, And so that's why I just wanted to pick your brain on it, because it's something you can't ignore it forever. Yeah, and your identity isn't based on your birth mother or

your adoptive mother or your adoptive father. Your identity is based on how you handle your life situation, on what you do with your life moving far, like taking a leap of faith and moving to Maine and taking that risk is going to reap probably a lot of happiness in your life. I would surmise, Brandon, what what what do you have to say on the matter. I agree.

I think that I'm also a gay man and have a very complicated relationship with my mother, and I think that the amount of insight you will receive from removing yourself from that daily habit with her and starting a life for yourself somewhere that then you're kind of forced to communicate in a different way and leverage your time together when you have it, versus it just being said too consistent part of your life. That if you never make that choice, you could end up being resentful for

exactly exactly. And it's kind of a mental and emotional move at the same time. Because you know where I'm from originally, you know, growing up in a really small town as a gay person where it really wasn't allowed when I was young. Anyway, there's this whole There's just been a lot of levels to the identity piece that have been just kind of haunting and just that overshadowing of everything that I've been doing for the past on teen years. And I think that this move just kind

of represents moving forward on like ten different levels. And so yeah, I would agree back to something that you guys just mentioned. Do you think that being a gay man complicates your relationship with your mother or you're just as saying that you're a gay man who also has a complicated relationship with your mom. You know, this is an interesting question because yeah, I would say both to some degree. I think that most from my perspective, most

gay men have complicated relationships with their mother. It's either an over like an overly codependent relationship, or it's competitive to a certain degree. And what are you competing about, Like, for I don't know what the competition is, but it's just that there's like a dynamic that you feel like it's one upping, like someone always has to be better

than the other with your mother. To some degree, yeah, I see that with a lot of my friends that if it's not super codependent, like five phone calls a day. Then there's an underlying jealousy to some degree, and I don't know where that stems from. I don't know if it's I think competitive, though might be the wrong word. There's something it's gamesmanship, right, yeah, it's games What about you, Billy?

Is that is that true for you? I think there's an extra responsibility and this is just my opinion, but I think there's an extra responsibility for gay men to take care of their mother's And I don't know if there's some of that dynamic between the father, if there is a father figure where that gets in the way of what the relationship with the mother supposed to be like.

But with my personal experience, you know, it was my mom and me, and then it was my dad and so we we had a relationship that kind of represented a partnership, and then he got kind of pushed to the side because of his own shortcomings for lack of a better term, right, Right, It's like being in a threesome and you're the one at the end of the bed. And can I just say this is another part about your identity and trying to become a fully realized adult.

Basically outside of this one thing in life, your adoption that for a lot of people really determine the trajectory of what they're going to do. You see it so much with adopted kids that can't get themselves out of that one aspect of who they are. And my mom is adopted and the thing that I wish for her that again, this is like we spoke about at the beginning of this episode, like she has a lot of issues, but being able to leverage a different perspective that being

adopted gives you. So many people find it, you know, it's so negative. There are so many harmful repercussions that they see if it's not hand it in a certain way. But you now have tools and you now have a perspective a lot of people don't having met your biological parents, knowing your adoptive parents and what sort of life they've provided you. So it's important, like Chelsea's that change the narrative of it being a negative thing to being a positive, like,

look at what I've gotten to experience. You have a bone, as they say in Sweden. In Sweden, you have a bonus family, Like you have all these bonus people in your life that you didn't get to. You know, you have to look at these things in life like we have to take the negative experiences and turn them into positives. That's our responsibility because that's really the only control you have, And you have all these things sound positive. Look at you.

You're normal, you're saying you're you're smart, you're good looking, You're about to move to Maine, and you know, like all this great stuff is happening. So yeah, I'm not worried about you for a second. You're getting into like being a fully realized man. Well, thank you very much for that. It just sometimes feels like, even as someone in their early thirties, I feel like some days I'm twelves, some days I might five years old, And it just gets like I think that's just been the human condition

in general. Each day we wake up kind of either able to handle X, Y and Z or just kind of want to hide. Yeah, yeah, I just remember, you're not the only but you're not the only person thinking what you're thinking. You know exactly exactly. Well, thank you so much, Billy. Please keep us posted, let us know if you make the move. We'd like to keep track of the story. And I want to make sure you reach out to both of your mothers on Mother's Day now,

just as a nice jester. Just as a nice jester. Yeah, for sure, want and maybe reach out to a mother that you don't know a stranger. Absolutely, okay, thanks, thank you, Billy Bye. I like Billy Billy had a feeling. Oh that was really sincere. And like I feel like Dr Phil right now. And I feel like Dr Phil with his wife. You know how his wife goes to work with him. That's like us. It's like I go to work and then you come with me. Did you have someone that you loved in daytime? I love to sell

Jesse Rafael. You mean Sally Jessica Rafael. Yes, No, that's not right. I just made that up. Okay, So you can't agree with everything I say. I mean that that doesn't That doesn't lend credibility to me. I'm wrong so much in those ways that when you do correct me, typically you are right. So now I default to trusting you if you say something like that that I was wrong. Right. Oh, I'm hosting Ellen The Ellen Show. Speaking of daytime. You know when I think the dates are June and July one,

they are correct, Yes, so you can look out for that. Okay, what else do we have today. Okay. Our next submission comes from a woman named Carly. She's thirty five. We don't know where she is, but she's having some issues with her mother. So let's see what you think about this. She says, Hi, Chelsea, coming to you is the final resort. I've attempted to make peace via mental health professionals who I'm supposed to trust, but it hasn't gotten me very far.

I saw your post and thought to myself, why not. I have nothing left to lose. My mother is a complete narcissist who emotionally and sometimes physically a used everyone in my family. My dad is dead now, and since he's died, the gloves have really come off. The family has fallen apart, and we're all estranged. I couldn't see any end to my mother's emotional abuse. I created a boundary and said, unless my mom goes to counseling to build a healthy relationship in a safe space, we will

not have a relationship. She said she won't be bullied into going to counseling. I'm wondering if I should let it all go except who she is, knowing that she'll probably hurt me again, or if I should continue to hold my boundary. I also have a daughter now who I need to protect after seeing my mom's abuse of my niece. She's seventy and won't be around much longer. I really miss her and need my mom. But also

she's such a huge count. If I decided to keep her out of my life, how do I prevent the issue from eating me up and turning me into a bitter cunt to Society really doesn't like to talk about the fact that there are moms who don't love their kids. Although I'm almost thirty five, I feel doomed to live a life and a perpetual and fantilized state because I can't grow past the trauma of my mom wanting me Oh my god. Mothers are mothers like that? Are cunts,

They are brandon This is a field. This is your wheeled, wheeledhouse. This is your field house. Now this is your wheelhouse. These submissions make me realize everyone has an issue. Well that's not only that, though, but it's just like, you know, mothers who act like that and who are not supportive to their children are baffling. Why would you go through that to bring a child into this world to not be able to put your best to it, you know, like do it? Well, did you always know you did

not want to be a mom? I knew because I wouldn't be a good mother because I'm a selfish cunt, That's why. And once you realize that makes everything else. So yeah, but it's like, come come on, you know, these poor kids have to grow up thinking that their mother doesn't love them or their mother rejected them. I mean, how many people in this world have to experience that. It's so it's so sad to think of. Let's talk to Carly about it. I think she's on the phone. Well,

that was a long letter. She's going to follow it up up. Hi, Hi Carly, Hello, Hi, Oh my god, I felt so bad reading it. Well, Brandon just read me your submission, your letter, and it's just such a bummer that your mother is like that. Yeah, I mean, so what's the status? Now, what's your situation? First of all, Brandon has a lot of expertise in this area because his mom is a hot mess, so he's probably gonna take the leader or not. You're not alone. And first

of all, you look so beautiful. Ye just thinks I tried really hard. Oh well, you look really adorable. Thanks. Yeah, I actually joined a couple of groups on Facebook that are like daughters of Narcissistic Moms and like, you scroll through the stories and every single one is exactly the same. And that kind of made me feel better because I felt really isolated in my experience because I know so many people with great relationships with their moms. But um,

the status now. Actually, after I wrote you that thing, I don't know why. Just for the next three days, I it was really contemplating whether I should or not, and then I just said fuck it. I did it one morning and she was surprised at first, like me and say hi without crying. I just felt like such a little bit, but yeah, I just said, can we just move forward and be nice to each other? And like, funk the past? Who cares? I don't care because she's she's hung up on the past, like I can't let

it go. And she was like, I don't know, I'm pretty happy now and I don't really want you to ruin that. So like she my dad passed away in and she's with a new man now, so and so I'm assuming that was a no go on the counseling. Oh no, she she's like fully against it, which is hilarious because she's used to tell me when I was younger that only truly crazy people won't go to counseling. Most people who are in counseling are in it for people who won't go. Well, I mean that's a very

I'm dealing with a very similar situation. So again, I feel your pain and I know the struggle. And people who feel like they know more than everyone else, we'll never go counseling because they don't they don't want to do the work that takes really correct to these issues. So it's a battle you can't win. But I do think that there's power and accepting that and accepting what type of relationship you're willing to have with your mom.

Like for me, right now, it's no relationship, And so you just have to make the best decision that you know you're operating in a way that you can look back on it in ten, fifteen, twenty years whenever she's gone and know like I operated in my best interests in this way. Yeah, I feel like anything in my life, I even with boyfriends and stuff, as long as I know I really gave it my all. I'm okay to move forward. It's just always going to hurt. I don't know.

It's also just impossible to deal with narcissists. Like I have a friend who's going through a divorce, and I have another friend who's just getting out of you know, her divorce is finalized, but same thing. And it's like, you know, they're reading books about dealing with narcissists, and you know about how difficult it is and what kind of number they pull on you, what they you to you mentally, because they they literally have a way of eating away at your self confidence, at your self security,

your ability to make a decision. You know, you become indecisive because you're not sure that your decision has value. So it's not talked about as much as you know it probably will be in the next decade or two, because people seem to be really talking about mental health now. But like dealing with a narcissist is, it has a very deleterious impact on all of us. You have to take that into consideration. It's like it's almost like you're injured and you can't identify the injury, so you're acting

in the weakness of the injury. Yet you know you're only really choosing to be injured. Yeah, every single person in that group I'm in says they'd rather, they would have rather gotten hit so they could see, like, hey, this person did this to me and people would give them compassion. But my mom is amazing at everyone in my whole life. Your mom is so amazing, she's so nice, she's so this, she's so Then it's like, I don't know,

I was going to bring up at Astra. I don't know if you've seen it, probably, but the movie, Yeah, how Brad Pitt. That movie was really therapeutic for me when Brad Pitt like literally went across the fucking solar system to connect with his father and he gets there and the dad's like, nah, I'm good. Yeah, his dad was still an asshole. He's like fun, so he just

floats off in this space. It's like, that's why I admire Brandon, like the way you handle your mom so much, because I'm always fascinated by people who insist on a relationship with their parents when they when they've been molested or god forbid, something they're beaten, you know, like something terrible, and they still desire the relationship between the father and

the mother. And it's like, I know a girl who is trying to cultivate a relationship with a man who molested her, who is her father, and I cannot understand that it's a conditioning And Carli, I don't know if you'll agree with us, but there's a certain level of gaslighting that goes on with parents and their kids that you are made to believe that this behavior is appropriate or it's a result of your behavior. That they are not in control of what they do, it's because they're

reacting to what you're doing. It's all such a mind fuck. The thing I'm pissed about is that, like, now that I'm thirty five, I don't know. It's taken me still now to have just a faint idea of what a healthy relationship is. Like I look back at my boyfriends and it's like I thought the way they were treating me was normal. Meanwhile they were stealing from me, they were emotionally abusing me, gas lighting all this ship. And it's like, yeah, I just I don't know. Do you

have a what's your story? Now? You have a daughter? You said, yeah, she just spoke up. Do you want to see her? Sure? I'm alone I'm alone with her, so I kind of multitasking. Can I wait in two seconds? No? No, go ahead and grab her. But don't expect me to get too excited around a baby. I mean, I can you know they're cute for a second. Oh, she's sweet, she's really cute. Yes, but she's very timid, Like you can tell that there's a lot of baggage here, which

is unfortunate but seeming. It's one of those things that not a lot of people talk about. Either they're dynamic with their parents. That's Oh and she woke up smiling. This is like an ad for pregnancy or penetration or something. Yeah, I didn't think I could give fregnant and then I did. And I'm really I was like one of those like my whole twenties, right up until my early thirties, not having kids, never having kids, and then it's just yeah, who's the father of the baby. His name is Anthony.

Are you guys together or um, we're not exactly together. No. And that's the thing is like, that's what I'm kind of what brought it up is because like I hate that I don't know how to stay in a relationship like I just had such a bad example set for me.

So I think once you've got your mother out of your life, which I think we're going to recommend doing, I think you're going to start to value yourself a little bit more without that drama beat of negativity and you should and a you need to break the cycle for your daughter. It's fucking hard work. I've been encounting since I was fifteen, and like, yeah, a lot of people now are like, your daughter is going to reap

all the benefits, and I can. I can definitely feel that, but it is hard being the one that has to break it. Yeah, I understand, but you know, as a mother, that is your responsibility to break the cycle. It's not having a daughter would help me understand my mom more, like just going through that and ship and like, I definitely understand way less. Like I think about saying or doing some of the ship that she said, did does

and it just seems so ridiculous, so absolutely insured. But I think that's part of it is that you have to be able to remove yourself from that and the decisions that she made because those aren't all inherited traits, Like you're never going to be able to rationalize some of her behavior, you're because it's tied to a mental health issue, something that she had going on that you're

never going to be able to understand. But you're doing the hardest part, which is the self assessment now of what you don't want to create, the dynamic with your daughter, the behavioral patterns that you want to break, and the fact that you've been able to identify those things, Like that's the hardest part. Knowing that you want to make

a change is what's going to set you forward. Yeah, it's just like I was explaining it to my friend, and it's like having a beast in a cage inside of you at all times, Like I feel that shitty generational animosity or hostility or whatever it is, this pent up ship. But it sounds like you're on top of your game. It sounds like you're you're cranking all of this stuff back and you are kind of like, um, learning that behavior. You know, right, it's hard to it's hard.

It's really hard to know whether or not to have in my life. I don't think you should. We're both selling, you know. Let me just say this. My girlfriend from hays Well just extricated her parents from her life. She wrote them a letter. There were assholes for years and years and years lost drama in that family and she's never felt better. Just as an aside in the same the same situation with me is that I cut off all communication and I did it multiple times in my life.

The longest time was two and a half years. I'm at like nine months right now. When you have that space from that person who first of all, they're giving that little beasts that you talk about power, So you remove them from that and you have so much more awareness of what's really going on in your life and what power they've had on you, or that you've allowed

them to influence in your life. And as soon as you get some time apart, it just puts things into perspective and you realize what you're not going to allow anymore in your dynamic. Also, a narcissist needs the interaction. So that's why I don't tell my sisters what to do. I have three sisters. I let them all make their own decisions. I don't agree with them. Three brothers. What's up with your brothers? Are they talk in your mom um ones? In Australia? The other one no, she like

took him to court when he was younger. Yeah, she's brutal. And then um, my other ones in Florida. That's my dad's son. Though my sister and I are biological full siblings. So and does your sister talk to your mom? Well? Then hello, yeah, stop talking to your mom. You need to listen to us and stop talking to your mother. Okay, I mean either do that for like, at least commit to a certain amount of time and report back to us. Seriously, I want you to commit to not talking to your

mom and report back. Okay, okay, okay, Carly, do we have a pinky swear? Brandon? Give us a pinky swear? Brendon and I are pinky swearing on your behalf. There you go. Oh that's cute. Keeping families together, that's what we're calling our podcast. Well, not your mom, but anyway, thank you, car please, Okay, poor Carly? What the funk is wrong with everybody? Brandon? I don't know, but you

know what she I just can't believe mother's you. I guess it's that's comes from my own narrow viewed life experience because my mom was such a mom, like in you know, sweet in that sense. Well, and anyone who's listening to this, I guess I would hope that that would be a perspective they take, is that not all these relationships and maybe this is not a feel good episode, but everyone has issues in their life. Everyone has a

different relationship with their mother. Nothing is appropriate or not appropriate, like with the expectations that we set on these relationships, but they're all different. They are different. But it's just such a bummer to hear about jealous moms or narcissistic moms. It's like, how can you do that if you're having a child. I guess it's very probably prevalent. You know,

it's a bunch of narcissists having babies. But this is also interesting that two of the submissions so far have been people who may or may not should not have had kids. Well, you can't say should not. I think there's some people who will be society conditions women that they should have a friend who has kids who shouldn't and you need to know that upfront, like this is probably not for me. But then there's some people but who believe like they are meant to do this and

offer that sort of motherly dynamic in the world. And there is a woman who I read about a couple of years ago. Her name is Sarah Cunningham, and she started doing this thing at Pride parades where she had a sign that said free Mom Hugs because people were going and their parents weren't support of them, so she would go and so she would offer that maternal hug to these people who didn't have a parent there to support them. And so she's turned it into an organization

called Free Mom Hugs. And one of the quotes says, if you need a mom to attend your same sex wedding because your biological mom won't call me, I'll be your biggest fan. So it's sweet. So so there are some of these women out there who are probably killing it at the mom game. Yeah yeah, right, If they're doing that, that's really sweet. I think we should take a quick break, Okay, sweetheart. I'm just astounded that people mothers are so stupid that they wouldn't go to the

gay son's wedding. I mean, honestly, like, what are you raised on? Just like Jesus Christ and oatmeal, I mean, get a fucking clue, a lady, Like, gay people are not going anywhere, I know, but it's some people just I mean Okay, me, for instance, I have a very diverse background. Well really, are you Cuban? What what's the diversity upbringing? And my mom still took issue when I came out. You know, we didn't talk for six months and she had you know, she would you classify your mom?

Is your mom gonna listen to this podcast because you're not going to be talking afterwards. This is all stuff I've said to her, by the way, nothing Well now I'm saying it to her, which it might be double the trouble. Would you classify your mother as a narcissist

and she is a master manipulator? Okay? Yeah. When I called the police and asked her to be arrested because she was drunk driving, I then wrote a letter to the state's attorney asking him to provide it to the judge, and I requested the harshest possible punishment for her, for her to be a gulag, literally anything that they could do that would force her to reflect like this is this really where I want to be right now? And they read that letter to her and I basically stated

all of this stuff so from your son, Brandon. They read it to her in front of people whoever was in the courtroom. Do you know what her reaction to that letter was. I couldn't tell you, but I know, can you? Yeah? I mean want me to find out. Yeah, I read it to use. This is exciting. I like confronting people, especially in this way. Too bad. The police sucks so bad because I would say, well, you were in the court actually, so there were probably very few

police officers there. But God, let's not go down that road. Okay. So this is you. I want you to that. This is the letter that you wrote your state attorney, your mother's state attorney general. The state attorney would be prosecuting her case in the county in which she lives. Is the letter I wrote, d U I was the subject. Hello. I hope this email finds you healthy and happy during the holiday season. I'm reaching out in regards to a

recent incident involving my mother. My mother has unfortunately had multiple interactions with the law and recent months due to her substant abuse issues and unresolved mental health matters. Most recently, she was arrested while driving under the influence of alcohol and held for a psychiatric review. I'm emailing in hopes that with your help, my mother will receive the harshest

possible punishment for her crime. This is a plea I make not out of anger or vengeance, but out of concern for her well being and safety of those around her. My mother is unwell and unstable, and when drinking, a hazard as she habitually drinks and drives, wrecking multiple vehicles after hitting inanimate objects. God, my mother is a beautiful and articulate woman. She is also highly deceptive and manipulative, and until now evaded the law and any punishment. I

would like that to change. As a former self DA code and I'm aware of how lenient the law can be for d y charges. My former stepfather has had many with almost repercussions. My mother has long operated as a functioning alcoholic, but at this juncture is failing to function as a civilized member of society and needs help getting back on track. I'm asking for your help and getting this woman's life back in order. My mother was a single woman raising four kids and worked countless jobs

simultaneously for many years. Her potential success is limitless, but she needs forced course correction. This is not a person or a case to disregard. This is a case that could create positive change, should it be handled the right way. Nearly six months sober before her most recent incident, she had been part of multiple AA meetings weekly. These meetings held her accountable and should be mandatory after any intoxication arrest.

In my humble opinion, I've copied my sister here one of her daughters to collaborate details and assist in anyway. So see it's with intention of like positivity. Yeah, right, right, right, And did you ever get a response from that? No, Apparently what I was told when I called is that he couldn't legally respond because yeah, probably wanted to be like uh huh. But for my understanding, like this does

not happen a lot. And I think that with any of these things, like you know how many people we talked to today with mommy issues and so many times people think it's daddy issues, but there's a lot of up ship going home. I would also like to say, yeah, there's some daddy issues too. But as a stepfather, as a recent stepfather, because when I was living in Whistler, I became a stepfather to factive stepfather. My friend Kellie had those two girls and they called me dad and

they would come over and slip. Then the weekends at my and I love being a stepdad, like I love taking them to dinner, taking them shopping, playing games with them. They snuggle in my bed. You know, we've watched movies like we we just had like a total vibe going and I feel like, oh, I've never wanted to be a mom, but I could kill it as a divorce dad. You know, come in, you just spread the sunshine, spread the love, and then leave on Monday morning. But skidaddle

before things get too dicey. See that to me is more you'd be the perfect ex husband because the stepdad has to do all like no, no, no, I'm sorry, not stepdad's ex spen where you just who has a younger wife and wants to has start a family with her. So I can only come once in a while. You're good for Friday through Sunday, meals Friday through Sunday. Yeah, Friday, Friday night through Sunday. Yep, yep, that's good because as soon as they would leave on Sunday or Monday, like

I needed a day to myself to recover. So when I just think about people raising children and having to deal during this pandemic and mothers. I just can't even I can't relate because I can't even imagine. In closing today's episode, Brittan, I would like to say that there seems to be a biological thread. It's almost like a biological mandate, if you will. People are tied to their

biological parents and biological children. It's seemingly very hard for people to break the idea that they may not have long term relationships with their parents. But to your point, so many kids need homes and there are so many

other more healthy relationships out there, then your parents. If that's not a healthy relationship, find another relationship that is, like, these are not things that yeah, but it's also feels like a structure of society, right that has been imposed upon people to the point of believing that you have to have this almost fealty towards not necessarily brothers and sisters. It's not as strong between brothers and sisters as it

is between parents and children. That seems to be a very and while you can you can understand it, it also it is limiting to people. If you get you know, a dud for a mom or a dad, or you know, my dad was he could be a bit of a dud, but all in all, you know it was it was a cute relationship and it provided me with a lot of comedy. But yeah, may God rest his soul or whatever that's saying is God be with him anyway. So that's an interesting takeaway from today's episode is the biological necessity.

People are obsessed with biology, whereas you know, the gay people can tell you this any day of the week. You make your own family, so don't be so tied down to the people in your family that suck. Just take a fucking break. That's what I'm doing right now. More people should. Yeah, I I encourage it, especially if

it's a break. It's not permanent. So who gives a ship? Okay, I think we're in conclusion of part one of the episode, Brandon, what do you think, Well, there's yeah, there's still more that we need to address, so we're gonna have to do a part two. Okay, we're gonna do a part too, so tune in for a part two. Please, We'll see you on the other side.