Welcome to Couples Counseling with Chelsea hand Job, where we do couples counseling on all sorts of variations of friends, lovers, families.
Welcome to my office.
Hello, Hello, Hi Chelsea. I've got an update from one of our callers.
Let's hear it all.
Right, Well, this is from Libby. She had written in a couple of months ago. It was actually from our Hannah Einbidender episode and she was in a threttle and the guy had been in the bathroom. No, no, that I would love to hear an update from her. We will get an update from her soon. But this gal was in a throat ble and it was like a husband and wife that she had come into their relationship.
They had some kids, they all lived together, and the husband was acting like really sketchy and like crabby and like didn't want to have sex anymore with either of them.
So Libby says, wait, wait, wait wait. They were in a threuttle. Yes, and Libby was like, the what do they call it?
The unicorn? Yeah, okay, coming into the relationship. Yeah, and he had basically said, why don't have sex with you or anybody else?
So yeah, even his wife, even his wife.
Yeah, Hi Catherine. After our last conversation, I took Chelsea's advice and tried to be a voice of reason between my two partners, my girlfriend and our roommate of a boyfriend, and tried to discuss how we could move forward as a threatle Per usual, he did not have anything to say. He was content with living the way things were, and that seemed to be about it. Between Chelsea's advice and my intuition, I knew there was more. I spent a
few days being observant. In my initial email, I had mentioned that he'd been sleeping on the couch and had begun sleeping with his phone underneath his pillow one night, after admittedly drinking a bit the liquid courage ended up being much needed lol. I saw that he quote forgot to hide his phone. I normally don't condone going through your partner's phone, but given the situation, I felt as though I should hurt my own feelings and see what
he's been up to. Turns out he had spent the last two months cheating on the two of us with a freshly nineteen year old server who worked at the restaurant he was managing.
At the time.
Yeah, the arguments he created in order to take off and leave the late nights when he was caught up at work quote unquote were really just excuses to meet up and spend time with his work girlfriend. I called my girlfriend, who was at work at the time, and showed her the things I had discovered. She sped home immediately, and we threw his stuff into his car and kicked him out right there in the middle of the night.
Looking back on things, all the signs and red flags were extremely obvious, and I hate that we spent so much time begging an unworthy person to stay with us. For my girlfriend, it was hard to say goodbye to a ten year relationship, and that loss is still being mourned. But our life has gotten a million times better. The energy in our household has shifted, and things all feel lighter and happier. As for him, he's continued a downward spiral.
He was demoted from his salary management position for making inappropriate remarks toward a sixteen year old girl who worked at his job and is back to being a line cook. I love that he wasn't fired, he was just demoted.
Like great job.
He lives with his brother and generally has a miserable life. Karma really did her thing. Thank you for taking the time to listen to my situation and for the much needed advice. I feel as though that was the last bit of validation slash confirmation I needed to face the facts and work toward a final solution, which I guess
was as simple as looking through his phone. As her full as it was, it made my girlfriend a nice stronger as individuals and as a couple, and it also opened the door for some pretty great hookups every once in a while with men who actually appreciate our presence. Much love, Libby, But.
I thought she said she got rid of the girlfriend too.
No, no, no, so she and the girlfriend stayed together, good.
Great, perfect, and got rid of the guy and he's the father of her children.
Yeahy uh huh, Well that's too bad. But yeah, oh awesome, awesome if I.
Remember quickly not married, so like easy piece of taut exactly it.
Thrupple up, have a great time. Yeah, all these other men that are going to be much more worthwhile.
All right, So Chrissy is calling in and she had called in with her best friend name on an episode from August of last year called we might all be dead by then if anyone wants to check it out, She says, we spoke with you and Chelsea a few months ago regarding my best friend's horrible boyfriend, and there has been a development since then. He is now her horrible fiance. This news was delivered to me by means of a text saying, I hope you're on board for
a destination wedding. Normally I would be on board for a destination anything, but what do I do here. I've made it very clear that I don't think the boyfriend fiance is a good person. I hate my friend's willingness to take him back after he continues to disrespect her. It's honestly been a little while since we spoke. In addition to picking horrible men to Mary, she also voted for the horrible man in the White House. As each new policy is unveiled, I feel like she personally pushed
the button to initiate these changes. I just don't know how I could attend her wedding and pretend it's a joyous event, knowing their history, being surrounded by her Trump loving friends. I hate to throw away our friendship, but I'm not sure I can look past these decisions, or if I even should. I know I'm far from the only one with a relationship affected by politics, but I guess I'm wondering if I'll regret letting a decade of
friendship go because of my friend's horrible taste in men. Hi, Chrissy, Hi, how are you? Hi?
Chray Nice to see you again.
You too.
We just got caught up on what's going on with your friend.
Now.
Have they set a date yet?
As far as I know, they have not. We have been a little more distant lately and we haven't talked too too often, but I don't think that there is a set date currently.
How did she tell you they got married or they got engaged?
She well, he had a ring for years that he was holding over her head and not giving to her. Yes, I recall, and when he gave her the ring, she was very excited to show it to me. She acted like it was the dream proposal, and it was just kind of everything else was pushed under the rug, everything leading up to that point.
Well, the good news is there most likely won't be a wedding anyway, since you know his pattern of events is like he's I'd be one of the chances that he's been lording this over her head, lording it over and then he's going to go through with a wedding and they don't have a date. So yeah, but the bigger question is okay, So there's that issue, and then there's all the political stuff. I'm not opposed to if you are up for it, to releasing this friendship, Like, it's very hard to see somebody.
Go down that road with a partner.
Additionally, the political aspect of things is like a double whammy. And you know, like, what are the foundations of your friendship, what are the things that hold you guys together?
Are those still active? Is that the past?
Like sometimes we hold on too friendships because of the history of the friendship, but it's not really serving you anymore, and in fact, it's kind of disservicing you.
Right, Yeah, I can definitely see that. I think because we have such a long history where we were both single moms, we kind of played a role in helping to raise each other's children. I think it was harder to let it go because she almost felt like family to me. But I also know that there are times that you have to let family go.
Too, Yeah, yeah, And like, do you feel that you get anything out of this relationship in its current status?
So do I miss having that friend that I shared everything with? She was my person that you know, we there were no boundaries, We talked about everything, and I don't have that person in my life currently. So I think I miss having a best friend more than I miss her specifically, right.
I think that's your answer, you know what I mean.
And I think you should make room for a new best friend because I think it's nice to have those memories, and she served her purpose for a period of time in your life, and now through everything that you've seen, it's like it's not adding to your life. I would argue that it's taking from you because of both subject matters, and it doesn't have to be confrontational. It could just be like, listen, I think we've really grown a part. It's really hard for me to watch you go and
marry this man. I understand that you're going to. I understand you love him, and I want to respect that. And the best way for me to respect that is to.
Not be there. I don't want to be there.
I don't you know, like if you feel compelled, like does it require a conversation or can you just fade away?
I had sort of tried to fade away, and then I felt like she kind of kept putting the effort out there, sending a text, calling, and then I finally kind of had the conversation with her, saying, I'm sorry that I have been distant lately, but with the way that everything in the country is going, I didn't know that I could have a civil conversation with you without
us And we tried. We tried to, you know, kind of text through that, and she kind of tried to make some of her points, and I just got enraged.
A little bit.
And I think we are just in such different places that we're not gonna see eyed eye on a lot of things right now.
Right I think it would probably be helpful for you to just take a long break from the relationship, you know, and circle back around if and when that time feels right, Like, you don't have any obligation to continue a friendship where you're so at odds with each other on multiple fronts, like it's not just one thing, it's multiple things.
Now, And I also think you're right, like you also aren't obligated to like put a period on the end of the sentence, so to speak, like it is okay, things do fizzle, and like maybe there's some time in the future that she comes back into your life, but like I think it's okay to just let it lie.
Yeah, let it lie, And if she needs to reason explain it, you can always be honest with her and just say I'm sorry, Like I want you to do whatever you want to do, but that I just it's painful for me to watch this, Like it's painful for me to see this. It's painful for me to accept your political views.
I accept them, I believe them.
But what I need to do is kind of remove myself from this situation right now because things are too ugly.
And too scary.
And also, why would you want to go to a wedding with a person when she's getting married to with a person like that, and I guarantee you this wedding will not happen.
Yeah, yeah, you're probably right.
Yeah. I actually keep having dreams that the wedding is like the next day and I'm like just finding out about it, and I'm really struggling with myself for not having been there for her and not having helped her get ready, and I think that kind of made me question.
Yes, but listen, you know, friendships are there sometimes for like five years. Sometimes they're there for a year, Sometimes they're there for twenty years, and sometimes like sometimes somebody is in your life for a period of time for a reason. And then sometimes it's actually it's a reflection of like your own belief system, Like when someone shows you, Okay, this is who I am now, like you have a choice, You have no obligation to continue this friendship.
Both raised each other's children together.
That was beautiful, Like that's the best memory you're gonna have, probably, so hold on to that, and you know, and the make room for some other people to come into your life that you are like minded with, that you whose partners you do respect, whose relationships you admire, Like surround yourself with the people that you that you admire, you know, that relationships you would want to mirror for your own personal life and relation and people that you can relate to.
There's nothing wrong with that.
So do not wrap yourself up at guilt, wrap yourself up in like standards. This is beneath the standard that I would accept for myself. Therefore, it's beneath the standard that I would accept for you, and I'm just gonna have to bow out for a while out of love and respect for myself.
Yeah, oh that's great advice, thank you.
Yeah, And you know, you can grieve that relationship or you can, but don't beat yourself up.
You've been an.
Incredible friend and there's no reason that you now have to be like held hostage to this friendship that you're no longer like, you know, aligned with just her marrying this guy or accepting his you know, she was just not paying attention to anything, even strangers who have no investment in her relationship at.
All either telling her that it's bullshit.
She's not seeing that, So you know, if she doesn't hear or see that, then there's nothing you're going to be able to do to point that out to her.
Right, Chrissy, will you follow up with us in a few months and let us know if anything moved forward with the wedding or But I think, yeah, you can let yourself off the hook, like hopefully that'll stop you from having these panic dreams of like you know now what you're gonna do when and if that happens, which is you know, politely decline.
Yeah, no, I will definitely follow up.
Okay, okay, awesome, Thanks for calling, Brassie.
Thank you. Have a good day, guys.
Bye bye.
Do do do do do do drum roll Catherine, please, Chelsea Handler abroad. Abroad is my European So I'm coming to obviously find a husband abroad. I need to get the health out of this fucking country. And it's not as easy as you think. So I'm coming to Rekuvic. I'm coming to Dublin. I'm coming to the UK. I'm coming to Brussels, Paris, Belfast in May and June. I'm coming to Oslo, Stockholm, to Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow, New Zurich, Vienna.
I've never ever been to Vienna, Berlin, Barcelona, and Lisbon.
I'm coming abroad is abroad that sounds like fun. I'm going to go see you abroad.
I know I want to go see me abroad and there all be, there all be upcoming Vegas States, April eighteenth, July fifth, August thirtieth, November one and twenty ninth at the Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas.
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Katherine Law and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com