Hi, We're back with a minisode and my special guest is Yaminika Saunders. She's here today, still teeth the lipstick is not on your teeth today.
No, it's gone.
Now it's gone, so you ate it. Catherine, what's happening.
Hi, Chelsea.
Well, we have a quick update from a previous caller. This is from Dolly. She had called in on our Christina Ricci episode. Her brother and sister in law were fighting a lot. It was sort of affecting their kids, so she was wondering how to support her niece and nephew, so she says, Hi. There. Since being on the show with Chelsea and Christina Ricci, my husband and I have made active strides to not interlope with my sister in law and her husband's relationship WOWS and distanced ourself from
being in the center of their ongoing tension. As far as their relationship, there hasn't been much improvement, but on a positive note, as Chelsea recommended, my husband and I have been spending more time with our niece and nephew and building a stronger relationship with them. Thank you, Chelsea for the reminder that it's their relationship and I should worry only about what I can control.
Dolly.
Wow, that's good. Great, that's good.
I love that.
I love that.
And reaching out to these kids is like so great, Yeah, reaching out because kids are so you know, she's You've got nieces and nephews and you know how important it is to connect with them and make sure they have a safe haven.
And yeah, you know, yeah, she was watching her in laws or her sister. What was it like, have bad, bad relationship.
Yeah, her sister and brother in law.
Yeah, like really fight with each other and fight in front of the kids, really inappropriate. And it's like she was trying to like get involved and I'm like, you can't get involved in that. All you can do is really show up with your children, with their children and just like build a relationship with them so that they have a safe, safe place to go and safe people
to talk to. But I feel like that's pretty much the biggest contribution you can make, if you can impact children's lives in a positive way.
Yeah, I feel like that is very purposeful.
Yeah, I just don't.
I'd always arguing in front of children is like crazy to me.
Did you grow up with parents that argued at all?
No, we were just a fussy family.
But we were more like funny, fussy funny, you know, like nobody took anything serious. I felt very loved. You know, I had grow up problems like everybody else, but I
felt very loved. I'm very grateful for my family, but to come from a family that had foster children, you know, my grandparents took in foster kids, and seeing children coming from abusive situations and situations where they're uncomfortable, and realizing how blessed I was that I don't have to go home and worry about is there going to be somebody who's going to beat me to death or do something,
you know what I mean. Like the way we don't protect little human beings that we bring into the world is insane.
On a separate note, I just want to point out that you're wearing a separate You're wearing a pair of sneakers today that look like you are actually your size, because when I was out with you last night, there were you wear these boat sneakers that are they seem like they're a few sizes too big, and I know we were giving you some grief about it last night.
Yeah, I think we should retire those sneakers.
I think no, but they're also very comfortable. They're a part of me that at some point I will I will retire.
Well, yeah, maybe when you come to Europe, maybe I'll go into your suitcase and maybe I'll retire them for you.
Yeah, if I bring those shoes, I'm not going.
To not coming back to Europe. Honey, I'm that trash.
Okay, what did we have next? Catherine so Claudia is thirty three.
She's in Miami.
She says, Dear Chelsea, my boyfriend and I have been together for about three years now. We live together, both in our thirties, and I'm confident in saying that we're in this for the long haul. My predicament is that he's very unhappy with his job, and I don't know the best way to be supportive anymore. He's applied to hundreds of other positions, but doesn't ever seem to make it past the interview phase. He gets defeated, frustrated, and
I struggle with knowing how to help him. All I want is for him to be happy or at least neutral at this point with his job, but it doesn't seem like he's taking the best steps or initiative to get there. He won't let me read his resume or cover letter for advice, and when I try to connect him with people, he shoots me down. He's an incredible writer and artist, and I've encouraged him to go to grad school as a different option to pursue, but he's.
Stuck and won't make the jump.
He's had episodes of depression in the past, and I fear that these career struggles might take him down that road.
Again.
We're in different industries, so I don't exactly know what resources to point him to, but I encourage him to keep applying and not lose faith. The last thing I want is to be a nag, and I know he really needs to be the one to lift himself up and tackle this on his own. But it's difficult to watch the person you love get pushed down. So many times, I think I've hit a wall and I just need an outside perspective on this.
Claudia, Hi Claudia, Hi, nice to see you both.
Hi, thank you. This is Yaminika.
Hi Claudia.
I want to say I you know, I was snickering at the top of it, because my god.
You know you wire me. You were me. I remember being you right?
Yeah, young, that's some young shit you doing all what is this episode a lean on me as well? Why the fuck are you building this dude up like fuck that? And you in your thirties you still young, bitch, and you sit here raised? This is the motherfucker is already supposed to be raised. He's got to go. You know what you want in life? I'm telling you, don't waste your fucking time.
No, we gotta go. Who are you fucking your webs? I get it.
But all of this adjusting that she's doing to try to reach a motherfucker is a waste of time, Chelsea. And in the forties and up, we can tell you because we've been here. That's why I'm giggling at you. You was the bitch I was. Please stop being a bitch as soon as possible.
Let's have a realistic conversation about how you know. I know you said your piece and now I want to talk. So where are you at with how tolerant you are willing to be for this period or duration of time where he's kind of listless and depressed. Where are you on your relationship journey spectrum?
Well, I'm not like up to here, I'm still very supportive and it's not like he's a deadbet either. It's I'm not like paying his bills or anything like. He's still contributing financially. So until that's until that changes, and I'm fine to keep supporting him.
But okay, so see those are her parameters, So she's not you have to experience these things before place.
Where you know that.
Let me we're right, okay, So Chelsea is coming from that angle. I'm coming here to contribute something completely different and from a different angle. That's why it's not another Chelsea saying he I'm sitting here, I appreciate. What I'm telling you is I love that you are doing that right, And I understand everybody has parameters. I'm not heartless. What I am telling you is somebody who is just like that. What more can I do?
What?
And you're doing all You're trying to resource so that you can be resourced for him.
Is he putting this kind of effort into.
His own self to get out of these pity party situations? You understand, and it only gets worse over time. That's something that he has to work on with himself. Because one thing's knocking you down, you're not motivated to move forward.
Over time, life.
Is going to do nothing but kick your ass, and if you're not able to overcome from that, you're gonna want to bitter and stuck. I know I have friends like that. Every day I ask the Lord, please help me not to be bitter and stuck.
It's easy.
I do the same thing.
I always wake up and say, please, I pray, like, let me not be a cunt today, you know, like I have that. I have that thing too, and let me not be a cunt to other people. Like he's obviously wrapped in, like very self involved in this period of time that he's in and whether he's depressed or
he's gonna be depressed or whatever. There really is only so much you can do to help somebody, to help lift somebody up if they're not willing to lift themselves up, like you giving him resources and putting him in touch with people and him kind of not responding to that doesn't show initiative and doesn't show ambition or a want
for change. It's almost is like there are certain people that like to be in this kind of negative space that's their oxygen where they like to be a victim where they like to everything nothing goes right for me, and it's the same old song and dance. So I think, Yaminika, what she said is poignant because when you get to be older, you'll realize, like you don't really want to
put this much effort into him. But I totally respect the fact that you still love him and you still have more tolerance for his situation and to help him.
But I would really start focusing on yourself. Since you can't pick him up out of this situation, how can you make your life, you know, more meaningful for you, so you have a space to kind of exit when he's in that space, you know what I mean, that you can go and do things for yourself, that you have your own of friends, and that you have your own like community of whatever it is, and do you have those things like do you feel like you have your own life sets?
What makes it interesting is like I'm also trying to pivot careers and I got into grad school, like I'm a year into grad school to try and make that transition. So if my thank you, if my words don't mean crap, then at least he's like my example, my actually and hopefully with you know, inspires him in some way. But I also don't want to be like, hey, look at me, like I got my shit together, because I really don't.
I'm being like, hey, look at you.
I'm like, Oh, the woman in the relationship is making moves and doing shit to better herself and the man is fucking wallowing shocker.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The thing is you're gonna lose your patience for it.
That's the thing that we're just we're both in agreement on you're gonna lose your patience for because it's not hot and nobody just gets to be in a bad mood for a long period of time. Like, there's got to be steps taken. And while you're demonstrating actually what it looks like to change your life and take it into your own hands, he might get the message, or he might not. He might get it in five years,
or he might never get it. You know, I don't know, but I would really make sure that you double down on yourself, whatever you're doing for yourself and what your goals are, make sure that you double down on your determination and making your life as good as it can be.
And see where where the relationship goes.
You know, maybe you'll have some sort of miracle and he will have an awakening.
It happens to people.
I just think women are much more reliable on men in the emotional department in terms of like hearing news, making changes, making adjustments.
Were more reliable.
And I'm not that. I'm not don't look at that girl in the mirror. I am about that. Look at that girl in the mirror. So what women are always expected to like, don't act like you have this over a man, and don't did this and da da da da.
So what you when you getting it great?
You know how hard that is again to graduate school and shit like that, and you try to make a pivot and do things like that and you can't applaud yourself and he can't be next to you go, yeah, that's my chick, she did that.
You know what I'm saying.
We always expected as women to make an adjustment so that the man's ego is in crush.
You keep being who the fuck you need to be.
And then if you have to dip, go dip for a dude that's not gonna feel some kind of way about you having your star because he got his own store.
Yeah, maybe he is actually jealous of you too, who knows?
I yeah, I hope not.
I hope not too.
Yeah.
I think it did inspire him in a way like he's been applying. It's just that he's like in a neutral and I want him to like rev up the gear and like go into turbo, but he's not.
I feel like you're probably being very sweet and understanding and nice and like what do you gals think? I feel like she needs to come in with a little more of the Aminika's energy of like, okay, it's time to stop following, like let's get shit done.
I think.
I also remember, I ain't got no man. I ain't got no man, So you can riven what you want and you gonna have no man.
And I've got a lot of madness to say that.
No.
But and also to be fair, right to your boyfriend, we are hearing uside. We know understand like but from the common sense things that I know in life, it's not so much about this overall relationship as much as it is about Chelsea's telling you if if somebody's oxygen is negativity and that's not what you breathe, you're gonna suffocate. That's what she just said. So you need to see if you guys are on the same planet with each other. You know, maybe he's really from Mars and you from Venus.
That's a good point.
So I'm sorry.
I mean, this isn't the greatest news, but you know, like it's not uplifting you in any way, but we just want to give you, like honest female guidance.
No, and I appreciate that so much. This is like, you know, the cold bucket of water that maybe I needed on my face. And I have to say, I saw you both perform in Hollywood, Florida, So I'm so happy that I got to see you today.
That was like an amazing show.
I went by myself and it was like what I'm talking about.
And I think and I think it was. Listen, I'm gonna say this. I think it was. It's fine. I don't expect you to turn around and just leave him. That wasn't a conversation I was having. I think we were having enough conversation for you to say whatever you decide. Here is certain red flags that you need to start looking for. If negativity is his oxygen and if he's not trying to grow, then when it's time for you to audio.
Supoty there, We've given you a track. But if you want to go.
In and see what you can do and maybe change things around, my blessings to doing that.
I'm not here to tear up.
Love famous last words from Yaminika. I'm not here to tear up lives. Okay, that would be the name of this episode's the.
Hopeless Romantic I can tell.
Okay, Well, good luck out there. Let us know what happens if you have any big updates, let us know.
Okay, thank you both so much. I appreciate it. Yeah, thank you. Fine.
She received that. Well, did I mean you were at her?
No?
No, No, I like when I was, because I was that girl right, Like everything when it came to a guy, it's like, what can I do better?
What am I not supporting him in? Is there a way?
And we always read these little Cosmo magazines and shit, ten ways to be the bitch of his dream, nineteen ways and not get on his nerve, eleven ways to whisper in the sun, And it's like all this shit we gotta do as a woman to try to make a man okay, And it's like, is he ever concern in himself with how he makes us feel at all because nobody's really asking him, like, what do you think the things you could do as a man to make your woman?
You know it?
I think it should be reciprocity in this. I make you feel good, you make me feel good.
Okay, and thank you for listening to our Miniso today with Minika Special guests by Yaminika.
The next one, I'm going to be completely silent, Okay, I'm serious.
Okay, bye, And you can find Yaminica on Instagram at Yaminica.
So I added a couple of new dates.
I'm not on tour yet, but I added a couple of dates just because I felt like we need a little bit more laughter and a little bit more medicine for the end of the year. And I was wrapping things up, but I thought, maybe let me do a couple more.
So I'm adding three more dates in addition to my Vegas residency.
I'm doing Westhampton Beach August twenty first, I'm headlining the Rochester Fringe Comedy Festival September thirteenth, and I will be in NAPA on October third.
So those will be my.
Last dates of the year.
Do you want advice from Chelsea right into Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com. Find full video episodes of Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching at dear Chelsea. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Katherine Law And be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com