Welcome to Couples Counseling with Chelsea hand Job, where.
We do couples counseling on all sorts of variations of friends, lovers, families. Welcome to my office. Okay, Hi, Hi Catherine, we are doing. Welcome to our midisode.
Hello Chelsea. You know I like everything nugget sized you do. Indeed, Chelsea, should we just jump right into it? Of course I have pursuquesto.
I have a couple of fun emails today, one follow up and one just that I got that I thought was good to share. Gretchen says, Hi, Chelsea, I loved your new book so fun and entertaining. Sometimes audiobook narration cannot do justice to its content, but I must say you nailed it. Congratulations, Gretchen.
So nice.
Yeah, and that's a good reminder too, like I feel like with personal stories and especially for comedians, like always go audiobook.
You know.
Yeah, I got a couple notes that I talk too fast on this audible. Most of the notes say that people love it and da da da, And it's also on all the lists, so thank you for that, all the best selling lists, audio lists. But I do want to say that's how I fucking talk, so like, I'm sorry that I talked fast, but if I were talking slowly, that wouldn't really be authentically who I am.
And also, guess what, people can play it on point seventy five, so that's up to them.
Oh they can slow it down. Yeah, yeah, So if you think I talked.
Too fast, welcome to my world. It's called I'll have what she's having In case you haven't heard.
Yes, And then our next follow up comes from Aspen.
She had called in. She was a.
Hairdresser who called in on our Low Bosworth episode. She was in a career funk, and so she let us know. I've actually been meaning to follow up with y'all. It was kind of crazy. Actually, I had been in that career slum for about a year when I emailed in. I really love where I work, but I needed a new challenge. Low and Chelsea really encouraged me to just settle in and enjoy my success, and I did just that for a few weeks.
I shit you not.
A few weeks after the chat, the women who own my salon offered me a twenty percent ownership of the company with a whole new set of responsibilities. Oh god, yes, I'll profit share with the rest of the ownership team as well. So it's safe to say my question was answered and the universe worked its magic, and now my next ten years are fully planned and booked.
Thanks again, look at that and see if she had left, she would have never gotten that exactly, and that It's not usual that I tell people to sit where they are and enjoy it, right. Usually I might get the fuck out of there.
No, but it's like, sometimes there's a little magic in the air happening on the show.
You do think, so sometimes there's just magic in the air happening, So you got to really fucking look at it.
Look up, but don't miss the rainbows. People.
Well, our question today for our Minisoda comes from Gemma and Cameron. They're a husband and wife. Oh good, I love couples. Yes, Gemma rights. Dear Chelsea. My relationship with my sister in law has always been complicated. For context, we're both in our early thirties and my husband is in his late thirties. Before we met, she said I wasn't pretty enough for her brother. When we met, she acted like she liked me and then went back to
not liking me. I asked her if I had done anything wrong, and she said she was just protective of her brother and apologized. That was ten years ago. Since then, we've gone back and forth between having a good relationship and not speaking at all. Sometimes she's cool and fun to be around, and sometimes she's passive, aggressive, moody, and self centered. I've tried to do everything right, but I've
always had to walk on eggshells with her. Last year, when we both got pregnant at the same time, she started reaching out to me regularly and we finally had a great relationship for the first time. I was so excited that we were on good terms and our babies could grow up together. We hung out multiple times and I thought her issues with me were finally in the past. Then we spent a weekend with my husband's family and
things went south again. She told my husband that everyone in her family doesn't like me or how I treat him. I admit I can have an attitude, but nothing crazy. Nevertheless, I texted her a long apology and assured her it wouldn't happen again. She was understanding and seemed to forgive me, But since then, her passive aggressive behavior has made it obvious that she didn't forgive me. My husband had a serious conversation with her about it, and she admitted that
she just doesn't like me and never has. I feel like she's been waiting for ten years for me to do something wrong and I finally did, and she's never going to let it go.
Where do I go from here? What would Chelsea do?
Hillo?
Jemma and Cameron Hi, Okay, So, Jemma, what was the last infraction that you apologized for where she kind of got what she was looking for from your version of things.
So I didn't even know that I had done anything wrong. This was news to me.
But I'm a very straightforward and blunt person, and if my husband is irritating me, I'm going to tell him that he's irritating me. And so it was I feel like a situation like that, but it was just in front of her and I had a little bit of an attitude with him and she didn't like it, and so I apologize. I was like, you're right, Like, if I made you uncomfortable, I'm very sorry, Like I did
not mean to speak badly to my husband. I'll try to be more aware of what I'm doing and saying kind of thing, and I thought that everything.
Was good after that.
Yeah, right, well it sounds like this has been like an ongoing thing. Right, So she's touch and go hot and cold. And then so Cameron, what was your conversation with her after that?
After that? And it was my sister, Well, my mom brought it to my attention.
First, and then you know in what way she was.
Just like, you know, your your sister's really uncomfortable with basically how he retreated that weekend. She tends to blow everything up like way out of proportion, Like I didn't even think it was. I didn't realize there was a problem. To be honest with you, nothing offended me, So I don't know why she was so offended. She tends to be a little bit overprotective of me, just given how we grew up. You know, our my mom was a flight attendant and there was it was really just her
and I around a lot. So she's pretty protective. But it goes too far oftentimes. Yeah, and so it does get frustrating, and I've had serious conversations with her about it, but she seems just unwilling to change, and so it's it's making it hard to have a relationship and I get caught in the middle because I want to have a relationship with her and we want our daughters to
have a relationship. But when she's not willing to forgive or makes all these passive aggressive comments constantly, it just makes it really hard.
And she told you in this last conversation that your whole family doesn't like Gemma.
Yeah, which is not true. It's just her trying to be hurtful.
Of course, it sounds very immature, like somebody who's very I mean, it sounds like, first of.
All, it's her problem. A how old are your kids now they're toddlers? Okay?
And do they have a relationship with each other, your kids and your sister's kids.
I mean not at the moment because we don't see them.
We're not going to make an effort to visit.
Them, okay.
And what's your sister's husband's situation.
Does he just fall in line with what she thinks or what's that?
Yeah, he stays out of it.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I think it's kind of going to require a little bit of you guys being tough. You specifically Cameron, because of your relationship with your sister, you really have to kind of put your foot down and like lay it out, like, Okay, I'm not leaving my wife. This is my family. We have a child, So this is the way it's going to be. If you don't want to be in our lives, then that's something that we're going to have to have a conversation about. Because I'm
not leaving my wife. I don't want to have to choose between my sister and my wife. And I don't think you want me to have to choose between my sister and my wife either. So this seems more like a you problem. Gemma doesn't have an issue with you. She has been trying for.
Did you say ten years?
Yeah?
Yeah, ten years on and off, going in and out of this relationship, kind of basically being manipulated by this woman. When she feels friendly, she's friendly, and when she doesn't, she's not.
Like it's not fair to you either, Gemma at all.
And you telling your husband that he's irritating you is very healthy in my opinion, regardless of who it's in front of, Like that is very hell rather than being passive aggressive you know what I mean, that's very direct.
You're annoying me, please stop.
So I think that it's a matter, and I don't think you should double team her in that sense, like I think Jemma, you should just stay out of it. You've tried hard enough. You have to kind of let her do her thing, and you're not going to ingratiate yourself towards her anymore.
You've done it, you've done it.
You've done it, you've done it, and now she wants to come back and say, everyone in my family doesn't like you. So that's her strikeout. She has struck out with you guys as a couple. So I think Cameron, it's really up to you to be like, listen, I've done a lot of soul searching.
I've thought about this a lot.
I've talked you know, if you guys want to talk to a professional therapist about it, you can.
But I would intimate that you have spoken to like an.
Outside party about it and be like, this is just so immature.
We don't want to deal with this anymore.
We're trying to have a beautiful life and we want you to be a part of that life. But if you're going to tell me you don't like my wife and that you can't make efforts, then I don't know where we go from here.
You know, you kind of have to lay it on the line that like she might lose you as a.
Brother, whether you know whether you mean it or not, Like it is kind of something you have to think about because and you both have young children that could be like spending time together and hanging out together and developing their cousinly bond. She's missing out on all of these opportunities by holding on to something from ten years ago or however long she doesn't like you.
It's just it's it's not relevant right now.
Thank you for validating that, because that's where I've been at for a long time, where I'm like, I just feel like I'm done, Like there's nothing else that I can say or do, and I haven't wanted to put him in the middle of it, but I also feel like that's really the only solution at this point. And I also just wonder, like what am I supposed to do after the fact, you know what I mean, Like how am I supposed to be into the same spaces
with this person? And am I supposed to just keep eating shit and be friendly and pretend everything's all good?
Or should I just ignore?
Like I just don't know because I'm I know myself and I'm just like I'm a girl's girl. Like once we're sitting around drinking wine together, I'm gonna pretend that it all never happened and just be cool about it again, because I don't want to deal with drama, Like I.
Don't care about that.
So I feel like I never know how to address it because it's hard to address.
A passive, aggressive person in the first one.
Absolutely, absolutely, because it's dishonest.
No, I can't have an honest conversation about it, and that's where I just have to do it.
Yeah, We've had this before with different callers where most of the time, if it is your family member that's kind of acting up toward your partner, it is sort of like your role to go in. You understand the family dynamic better because you grew up in it, and like you, your family member will forgive a multitude of quote unquote sins, where as they might not for your partner, you know. So, Yeah, I do you think when that
next conversation happens, it's on you? And I think, like Chelsea was saying, it's very immature, right, It's like I feel like your sister's in time out right now, treater like the toddler she's acting like. And then when it's time to maybe come out of time out, you can have that conversation.
We want you in our life.
But the boundary is you're not allowed to say mean shit time wife.
Yeah, you're not allowed to say mean shit or and be passive aggressive to my wife. This is the partner I've chosen. This is my wife. We're not getting a divorce. I have a child with her. We are a family. Do you want to be part of that or do you not want to be part of that? This is a choice on you. You get to decide. You're not saying you're not excommunicating her, You're telling her to make
the decision. And when she does make the decision, these are the boundaries that are now in place because of her ongoing ten year behavior.
So it's now pathological.
She's done this over and over again and because she's a baby, And you can have this in a conversation, you could say it in an email. You know, you don't have to do it immediately, but you do have to stay up for Gemma. And in a way that's like not threatening, but like we're just not interested in communicating like this anymore and dealing with this. Well, we don't want to have every family gathering Gemma leaving and wondering what she did wrong or having to apologize for something.
I'm fine with the way she treats me. I love her, I appreciate her directness. I don't see it the way that you see it. I don't feel like I'm being abused in my marriage, you know, all of those things, like it's just silly, Like what's her endgame here to get you guys to get divorced? You know you should ask her that. Yeah, but you should ask her that. Cameron, you should go, I'm sorry, what are you trying to do? Do you think you're going to get me to get
to divorce? That's not going to happen. So there's either you can move in to accept it. Maybe she should talk to someone. I mean that usually sounds a little bit patronizing when you tell someone to talk to someone, But I think you can say that all without being patronized. It just like we've kind of had enough, And I also think it wouldn't be wrong to share it with
your family. This is how we're feeling, and it doesn't feel good when we a family gathering, it doesn't feel good like we're you know, and reminding them of your togetherness so that they realize and then they can talk amongst each other and be like, Okay, we're just gonna have to do better, you know, hopefully is the outcome. And I think with your parents' influence, if they're kind of normal, are your parents pretty even keeled.
Or they cool? Are they going to side with her?
Like?
Is that what the mind is as well?
My mom probably will, but I mean she also listens to me, so if I if I bring it to her attention in a non emotional manner, I think that she'll actually hear what I'm saying.
Yeah, And I think maybe it's an email that you or a conversation that you have with your mom and your sister so that they have some that they can have a conversation about it after and where they could come to an agreement. You're not making my life easier. You're making my life harder. Is that what you want? Like, you're making my life more difficult because now I have to think about.
Do I want to see you guys?
Like?
This is not fun. You guys are steering me away from you.
You know what I mean. Don't put any of the blame on her.
Put the blame on the people that are acting that way towards her. Like, it's not their job to decide whether or not you're being respected in your relationship. You're not being abused your child children, you're not in danger.
Your child is not in danger.
Someone's saying that you're annoying or you know the way, get over it. I'm with her, like, yeah, it's not a problem for you, So why is it a problem for them? And lay it down so that they feel like they have to make a decision about this and like come together and end it in love, you know, like I really love you, guys. I really hope that this conversation will change the dynamic between us. And you can reiterate. She's just like take it or leave it. She's like, I can see your family or not see
your face. It's you that has the problem with it, so that they can't pin anything more on her.
Yep, yeah, I agree.
I think that's great advice. Make him do all the work.
Yeah, well, I mean I have a situation like this with my family, my sister in law. She's not passive aggressive, but she's annoying. She's not passed aggressive, but her belief system is.
Not like my own. And I've come to the end of my rope.
I have extended my generosity, I have done everything that I could to be a good sister in law and I'm wrapped.
I'm done.
So like I I can relate to the situation. It's completely different circumstances. But yeah, it's not your problem. It's not your family. You know what I mean. I mean it is your family, but it's not your family. You know, you married into this family. You don't deserve to be treated that way, especially when you love your husband.
And especially when you are at the chill girl who's like, I'll just get over it. You don't, yes, exactly, like you can take this and move on. You don't need to come to Jesus with them.
Just act normal and be normal and consistent, like not gotten cold. It's not fair. That's abusive. Being hot and cold is manipulative and abusive.
Yeah, so what do you do, Chelsea when you're around your sister in law now?
Because I ignore her, you ignore you ignore her. You don't have to do anything, You don't have to play nice. You just she's in a room and you guys are all in a conversation.
That's great.
You have to engage with her one on one. You don't have to do anything.
Don't go out of your way. You're done doing that.
If she wants to come to you and actually make moves to be friendly and do, then great, reciprocate, but don't bend over backwards for her anymore. That's what she wants, and she knows she's got the upper hand because she's the sister. Mm hmm, ok, agreed, So let her be whatever she wants to be. You don't have to be involved with her anymore until she comes around and has a more sensible intention with you. And actually, and as sincere one, you know, anyone who gets offended by people
who are direct are are They're not direct? No, it's just that's not a threat. That's actually a shortcut, you know what I mean. Being direct is a real shortcut in life. So anyone who's threatened by that is like, Okay, then you've got your own problems.
Yeah, I mean I've always told myself that that I'm like, this is.
Her own issue, it's not me. It's just a reflection of God. You know all that.
But my problem is that, like I said in the letter, like when she's being cool, she is really cool, But then stuff like this happens, and I'm like, were you just being fake that whole time? So you're saying like if she's coming and being sincere, I'm like, I don't know how to know when it.
But now you know, now you've had ten years of data to explain, so that even when she comes around and she is nice, you just stay five feet back.
You don't have to be mean.
Yeah, okay, that's great, and just see how consistent she can be in that, you know, and then when she's earned your trust again and she's earned your respect, then I hope you guys do have a great relationship and your kids grow up together.
But she's got the work to do, not you.
Your husband is willing to come on here and sit here with you and be told that it's his problem now, So I mean that's a sign of a strong marriage.
Yeah, yeah, perfect, that's what I like to hear.
Yeah, that's a good husband. Mm hmmm he is.
Will you guys follow up with us when whenever the next sort of iteration of this comes to fruition.
Yes, yeah, let us know how it goes, you guys. Yeah, that's a way easier way to say that. All right, I had a great day you guys.
Bye bye, Do do do do do? Drum roll Catherine please Chelsea Handler Abroad.
Abroad is my European tour. So I'm coming to.
Obviously find a husband abroad. I need to get the health out of this fucking country. And it's not as easy as you think. So I'm coming to Rekuvik, I'm coming to Dublin. I'm coming to the UK. I'm coming to Brussels, Paris, Belfast in May and June. I'm coming to Oslo, Stockholm, to Copenhagen, Manchester, London.
Glasgow, New Zurich, Vienna.
I've never ever been to Vienna, Berlin, Barcelona and Lisbon.
I'm coming abroad is a that sounds like fun. I'm going to go see you abroad.
I know I want to go see me abroad, and there all be, there all be Upcoming Vegas dates March twenty first, April eighteenth, July fifth, August thirtieth, November one and twenty ninth at the Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas.
If you'd like advice from Chelsea.
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