Hello, Hello, Hello, good morning morning. Are you in New York. I'm in Seattle.
I'm in Seattle.
My voice sounds fresh because of all the freshness that I've been up to. So I had a book signing here last night. I had the Oscars the night before, big party situation. Yes, was out till about four in the morning, and then got up at eight o'clock or no ten o'clock to come to Seattle for my book signing here.
The Internet says that you're dating rape Fines, which like I saw, I saw it like I saw.
Hell, yeah, well that's I'm not dating Ray Fines. But that, yes, I saw that. I had high hopes I had.
Yes, No, we just went to a from one party to another together. That's simply what happened. But I did have a blast. I've had a blast all week.
And it's been your birthday.
Oh. Yes, and I had a birthday party too on Friday night, No, Saturday night, Saturday night, I had a birthday party. Saturday. I went from Chicago, went to my book signing at the Grove in La. Then I turned around and went back to the hotel I was staying at where I was having my birthday party.
Saturday night, which was also a blast, very fun.
And then I randomly ran into you at the grove. Let me tell you how many signs there were that I didn't put two and two together. They had an Owls Brew lemonade stand and I was like, oh, that's Chelsea's and like, did not think you were doing a signing. And by the way, the Owlsbrew is delicious. I had the pink lemonade.
I know, I know all these girls that are upcoming in.
You know, my book signings are primarily about ninety percent women, obviously, and they're all coming.
And now we have the Owls Brew at every book signing.
So that's been so fun because now people get the message that for their book clubs they should be pounding Owlsbrew.
Yeah it's very tart, very delicious.
But yeah, that was so funny.
And then somebody came up and said, who's doing a book signing here, and the guy behind the counter said Chelsea Hmler and I was like.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I know what a dink.
I know, I know. I'm like, I'm sure it was in there subliminally somewhere, but anyway, yes, we got to come say hi, I mad.
And I was reunited with Doug for this week for the weekend, even though my Belle started pulling her a bullshit when she brought him over to my hotel room.
She's like, it's okay, Doug, it's okay, mommy's here. I'm like, I'm the mommy.
Shut up dog, don't start.
This shit with me again.
Anyway. I'm on my way back to Los Angeles this morning, and I am going to you know, hit it.
Hit it hard for the next who knows how long. I can't even look at my schedule because it's too intimidating.
No, no, I know. I keep asking your assistant for things and she as, you're busy.
Yeah.
And I've also run into so many So many of the people coming to my book signings love Dear Chelsea and are avid listeners. So that's always nice to meet our listeners in person. And I hope you guys are reaching out to each other through different groups and stuff so that you guys can connect through Dear Chelsea and read the books together.
That's great. Well, any dates that we want to.
Hit Vegas, I'm coming to Vegas March twenty first, guys, that's my next show in Vegas. March twenty first, and then April eighteenth, and then I announced about five more dates, and I announced all my European dates, So those are selling out. So if you're in Europe and you're listening to this and I'm coming to your city, go get
your ticket because they're going excellent. And then also anyone who's listening, who has bought my book, who has listened to my book, send us excerpts or you reading your favorite parts or circle your favorite parts because I've been reposting.
Those and I love those. I love to see them.
And yes, my book has now been out for almost six days.
I'll have what she's having.
Amazing and I got a copy too now, so I'm gonna find out all your.
Secret wonderful well there's you know, as we know, there are no.
Secrets with me.
And I also want to mention that based on my video, my birthday videos, which we're all familiar with, hopefully I am doing an actual ski run bathing suit ski run on March fourteenth that everyone is invited to come and register for.
That means you ski with me in your bathing.
Suit down Tahoe in the Palisades Palisades, Tahoe I should say, and it's well, it's just going to be a blast. I mean, it's just going to be a recreation of my birthday video. And wait, so you see the bathing suit they have me wearing. Very excited, So our guests today.
Please welcome Rachel Bloom.
Okay, we're here with she's a comedian, she's a writer, and she's an actress. And you know her best probably as the creator and star of Crazy Ex Girlfriend, Everyone's favorite show, and she.
Has a new specially.
Everyone is a very libb.
Please go on, and we're justlusive.
Okay, it's very inclusive of a very small part of the population. That's not true. That's not true. That was a very hugely popular show. Popular is an interesting Sure, yes it was.
It was, absolutely it was. I think you need to embrace that. Her new special is called Death. Let me do my special. It's on Netflix right now. Please welcome Rachel Bloom. Rachel Bloom, Hi, Hi.
How are you.
I'm good.
It's always really nice to see you.
Always I love seeing you.
You're just a really kind person. Thank you. I was just telling actually or Nanny was like, oh my god, I love she's such a fan of yours, and I was like, also, she's like really nice and kind to other women, which is just really wonderful.
Thank you. Now I have to start being that way to men, which I know they can be nice to each other or whatever they are. You know, it's not really our problem. Let's talk about your special. Death is a big character in your special.
He is and I he is, Well, I'm kind of the some of the character based off of like men I've interacted with in like writers rooms, and so death to me is a he Yes.
I like that.
Yes, I'd like to start thinking of it that way as well, and I'm sure many of our listeners feel the same exact way.
And not to say he like a dude bro.
Yeah, it was always like either. I mean there were different ways we experimented with the character that like there was a part of him that was in selly and then there was a part of him that was just like a dude bro, because like, hostility from comedians comes in different forms. But either way, it's when I'm saying bad things to myself, what is my inner voice, and my inner voice is the men who I perceived as funnier being like that's a fucking joke. Okay, I guess
you could technically call that a joke. That's my inner hateful voice is those are those guys, is being judged by those guys, being judged by those guys, and them
seeing that I am a fraud. Honestly, I mean, it's it's like, it's it's I still have, after all these years, a little bit of imposter syndrome of like, I'm very sensitive and my my first writer's room and experiences I had around that time was like there would be these guys who just got really really tough and smart, and they were great joke writers, but comedy was a way to assert dominance over other people, you know, And I've just I've never been good at like being insulted and
coming back with an insult. I'm also not a club comic, so that's the thing is I didn't get I haven't been hardened by I've always been like an old comic UCB TV writer, so I haven't been hardened by like drunk people in clubs throwing beers at me in a way that might have made me tougher and better at like insults and comebacks.
That's interesting.
I mean, I would think that because you're assembling lots of different writers rooms, because you've had multiple shows.
I've only had I've only had one so far.
Really, yeah, well you have a new show that you just announced.
Is it's a pilot, but but it makes me look really good.
Yeah.
Well, I feel like you need to believe that you are good because I believe.
I'm sorry, I'm I'm underplaying things and I don't know why you're right?
But what was the Crazy Ex Girlfriend? You were doing something that was I.
Was a TV writer and I was like auditioning and I was doing shows at UCB.
Were you a star and something? Or on TV?
It is?
Oh, is that how I got to know you? It was something before Crazy Ex Girl? It was my YouTube I was doing like YouTube Okay, okay, so that's how I got to know.
But I want to assemble. I have a couple of TV things in the works where I would love to be able to assemble another writer's room. I love being in a writer's room.
Yeah, and I love.
To have another another show. I have a couple of shows like in the works. Yeah. It's always funny what we decide to like announce and not announce because everyone you know, like everyone is working on. If our careers were judged by effort, everyone would be number one on IMDb. Right, everyone has like a thousand things going on. It's just okay, are you Are you then fortunate to get to that next level and have it actually like, for lack of a better term, count.
Right, because it doesn't.
And I also conversely, the stuff is true, like sometimes when you announce certain things you know that that aren't necessarily sure a thing, it's like, oh, we're gonna announce, you know. I don't like the announcements of things. I like just putting things out there.
You know, me too, me too, and this like like the show we just announced to my husband and I have a show with.
ABC graduate getting a hush thank you.
So it's so funny because I was just listening to your interview with Sharon Horgan, who I just have been obsessed with. I'd love her so much. Another just brilliant and also kind person and actually Catastrophe. It made me realize I want to rewatch Catastrophe for the show that I'm doing right now. The fuck was I gonna, oh, oh, you're talking about divorce and I am so you know, for all of my like I'm fucking crazy, and I talk about my asshole and Dix I've been with the
same guy. Those are the two wildest things. I've been with the same guy for about sixteen years. Wow, I'm a child bride, very sixteen years. How old were you when you met him? We we were friends since I was eighteen, in the comedy community, because the comedy community is, you know, incestuous. And then we started dating when I was twenty one.
So you were only friends for the first few years.
I mean we made out once and then what happened that what happened that you guys got together?
Well, I dated a bunch of his friends. That's always a good way to get his attention, yes, and then we just realized we really liked being together, and one
day we just kissed. I mean it was actually really I was in la I was born and raised in la and so I was back visiting my parents during college before I did a theater trip to Amsterdam, and he was here for business because he was already a working TV writer, And he invited me to this barbecue at this place he was running in Santa Monica, and we like made out on the beach and like it was magical, and I went to Amsterdam and came back and we started dating for real and we've just been
together ever since. That's cute. It's really square. I would have never my emotions around love were so volatile and the people I went four were so fucking weird. Before him, I would have never thought that I would be this person in a monogamous relationship for so long. But here I am. Why do you think?
Why were you why was your relationship with other men like so volatile? Or why were you attracted to those types of men? I mean, I did the same thing, but I'm curious.
I liked the thrill of the chase and I liked I mean, if I'm going to get like psychological about it, I liked the feeling of the thrill of the chase. It was the greatest drug. Love was my first serious crush. Started when I was in about third grade, and I remember the emotions that I have. It's my friend Zach.
He knows all about it. The emotions that I had for Zach from third through seventh grade were as real, and when I say real, they were as passionate and all consuming as anything I ever felt as an adult. From a very young age. And there's a term because on Crazy Ex Girlfriend, it was a show kind of all about obsessive love, and so there's this term called limerens, which is like the sign. Have you heard of this term? I love it, love it. It's like the scientific term
for obsession, and it's what being in love is. And I'm a very I was always a very limerent person, and so I would go from guy to guy who was like emotionally unavailable, and also like I feel like I went for I feel like I still like my type. You know you hear you like go for people who are like your parents. I have two types. I have one type who kind of looks like a male version of my mom, so like very very lanky and skinny.
And then there's a type that's the male version of my dad, which is like stocky and funny, and that's the guy I'm with right now. But like, really, if you broke them down, it's either I go for my mom or I.
Go for that's finny because people don't talk about a lot or enough. I guess about going for your mom because that's got to big be a thing too. Yeahcho somatically, like there's got to be something where you are drawn to the people who remind you of your mother.
It's the first love of your parents are the first love of your life. And I see it my daughter now where she this is when she was like two, she notes star wedding rings and she said, oh are you what are those? We said, their wedding rings, and she's like, what's that? We're married because we love each other, and she goes, I love you, I love Mama, I want mama and I and I get it. And I was like really flattered, and I was like, hopefully the
laws will change. No, I didn't say that, but I get it, like the laws will go back one hundred and fifty years.
Yes.
Yes, it is weird having a kid because it is being in almost platonic love. Like I can't it's really hard to explain, but I get that feeling of like, oh, I.
Want to marry I want to be with you forever.
Yeah, it's just the feeling of like you just like want to be around that person. I feel like we all kind of have that a little bit DNA wise with our parents maybe, but anyway, So the other thing I've learned about Limerens, which I find really interesting.
So is it just the act of being in love or isn't there another deaf and there's it's.
Kind of what's happening to what's happening to your body?
I was going to look at it because I want to read it to our listeners, because this word keeps coming up.
I was on Bittion with my.
British girlfriend and she was used and she used that word and I was like, oh, yes, I remember hearing it and being like, I was fascinated by this word because it kind of has a broader meaning.
But so it's the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings, but not primarily for a sexual relationship.
Yes, so okay, oh that's interesting.
Like in love platonically, I mean for me, inlimerance, other than like child platonic love is the only child platonic.
Love, child marriage, childmates.
To be clear, I am not in limeerns with my child. But yeah, that's interesting that it says like it's platonic, that it's all I mean for me. That wasn't necessarily the case because I'm so fucking straight. But the interesting thing is like when you look at what's happening to
you yourself chemically. And the woman who studied this was named Helen Fisher, and she just recently, but she studied being in love and they basically scanned people's brains while they were in limeerents and what they found was a couple things. And I might be butchering this, so sorry for any love scientists out there. I believe that when you're in love, you're serotonin plummets, which is like your well being chemical which also I have generalized anxiety disorder.
I already have low serotonin. That's what prozac does. It helps my neurons transfer serotonin. So before I was on prozac, I already have low ass serotonin. Suddenly I fall in love. Whatever serotonin is left is fucking gone, and that's like you're well being. Okay, I'm good, I'm I'm happy right now, right, So that's fucking gone. When you think of this person, they flood you with dopamine, which is like already addictive, but if you have no serotonin, you need that person
in order to feel good. And so it's close to like being on cocaine or like OCD, which I've also experienced. And so that kind of obsessive mind, that involuntary obsession of feeling like your brain is being hacked by a dark love force is how I really lived a lot
of my life. And I think it took a lot of learning from those toxic relationships and sometimes unreciprocated situations to really make me, I don't know, like find myself in a really healthy but wonderful relationship and I fell in love with him still, but luckily I fell in love with a healthy in a healthy win. Well that tracks.
I mean, most of us when we're younger, you know, go after the wrong things, like we were not focused on what we want.
We're focused on the way we feel and when as we mature.
I mean, it doesn't sound like you were that old, but you seem to have a good grasp on you know, what you wanted, And because knowing someone for several years actually is a big benefit to understanding somebody and making an educated, responsible, why down responsible decision and your special You talk a lot about your fear of losing your dog when you were pregnant, which I find so funny. Why were you because your dog was old. Is that why you thought he was gonna die?
Yes?
And she's a she now just turned what we think she turned fifteen. She's a rescue, so we don't know. I was just with her this morning. It made life and death. It made the cycle of life and death very real to me. And I'd had little existential crises. I'm taking off my shoes. I'd had little toastpacers. Do you want to put them on?
I don't. It seems like you might want you put on toasts.
When you're not any pedicure. They're not those kinds of toastpacers. I have the start of what is a little bunyonette, and so in order I'm calling it that to make it sound more delicate than what it is.
I love it.
And you put on these really well, mine are black, so they're not you know. And you put them in between your toes so that so when your toes get a bunyan they start to your fiat starts to narrow, and you want to keep your toes spread out.
So I put them on to keep my toes out so that my foot it is working.
It's not fucking working.
My cousin said to me, the other day.
I don't wear those. They're so stupid. And you've never even spoken to a doctor about it. I'm like, I am a doctor, and they are working. My toes are starting to spread out, so I think everything's going.
To be fine for my bunionette. Let me see your feet.
They're very nice. Yeah, I'm very narrowly. Yeah, but who's aren't.
Yeah. I always like, yeah, what is that because we're walking on them.
Yeah, that's what it is, or in my case, rollerblading to every meeting I have.
That's so fucking cool.
I know, thank you? So what what?
Yes?
So it made life and death real. There was something first of all, like when I was pregnant, I was really nauseous for the first four months, and it made me depressed and I and it's like a chicken or egg thing where like I can't tell if I was depressed because I was nauseous or if I was depressed anyway, but I would have these waves of nausea, and with the nausea came emotions and kind of an anxiety and depression because it's just your hormones are going fucking nuts.
And there was something that happened where time I might say it in especial, but like time basically became very real that suddenly I was picturing I was not only looking at these apps that was like, okay, your babies three weeks, five weeks, you know, ten weeks, fifteen weeks or whatever, but also I was you know, you start to think about preschools, and then you start to go, okay, well what public school district I'm in? And you start thinking about your life in a concrete way that you
you don't otherwise do. And I think that being in entertainment and comedy kind of flattens out age in a real way, like I never really know how old anyone is because everyone kind of seems anyway. I don't know it it keeps people young, Yeah, that's true, it really does. And so it was one of the first times in life that I really started to think about grown up, grown up stuff in the future in that concrete way of like what school is she going to go to?
How are we going to save for college? And it suddenly put time and and everything to do with time. It made it, It made it like too real. It felt like I was suddenly on mushrooms. And then I just thought about my dog because at a certain point picturing my dog at age five, at age six seventy eight, a certain point, the dog's not going to be there, and it just made me so sad. Yeah, I can imagine.
It just made me think, like what if children were only here for a short period of time? Like that's what I just started thinking about when you started saying that about dogs, Like what if we only had children for ten or fifteen years? I mean, can you imagine they would That would make the dog thing seem so easy. I don't have an end of life thing with my dogs,
like I accept it because they're all rescues. I always get them halfway through their life anyway, or in Doug's case, my most recent acquisition, he was nine months and that's the youngest dog I've ever gotten. So that's just a huge advantage for me because I know I'm going to get a good ten years out of him, you know.
But whenever my dogs have left.
It's interesting that you talk about that because you know, obviously I've never had a full term pregnancy, but to think about the thoughts that you would have about death and when you're about to give birth, because I find that those two things dovetail quite often in lives, like you lose a father or a loved one right.
Before somebody has a baby.
That's always seems to be a very common occurrence, and so I could see why it would bring up all those thoughts.
Yeah, I mean, it's primal, it's bloody, it's it's all. It's first breath, last breath. We're all just we all just come from like goo and muck and come and come like it's all. I was in Atlanta, because everything films in Atlanta. My husband was doing something in Atlanta, and I was walking around and there was like a kind of swampy place that was teeming with life, and it also stunk, and I was like, this is life. Life is just stinky goo. And the stinkier and gooier
the more it's filled with all sorts of life. And that's what life is, right, We're all just like stinky piles of goo, and so giving birth is a stinky pile. And then also like you know, carrying, you know, when you're pregnant, the stuff that starts coming out of your vagina, and I mean the smells, like your vagina starts smelling and it's just but that's it's life, you know, and like when you're ovulating, Like there have you ever looked at like pictures of cervixes.
I actually have seen it.
It's really interesting, right that, Like, I mean, I don't know if I could pick one out of a lineup, but I have seen them. Yeah, they're like it's like they look like little wet buttholes as opposed to a dry butthole, as opposed to a drive a little dry buttle, and they're like pink. But what's interesting is when a person with a cervix is like fertile, it's like covered in gunk. It's like gooey, it's like meant to be gooey.
And when it's like dry, it's just past your period, when like you're not meant to take in sperm and so.
Like it's all just like blood and goo and death. And I think there's a line, oh, Summer in Smoke. I think it's a Tennessee William the Tennessee Ones play. The lead of that show is studying to be a medical student, and he's saying to the other, to the woman in the show, Alma, he's saying, like he's pulling down an anatomy picture and he's like, this is what we are. We're and I'm paraphrase, but he's like, we're just meet, we're just good, We're just disgusting on the inside.
And that's like that's what pregnancy really mired me in. And then I actually gave birth and saw I mean, I'll never forget, like looking across the way there's like a giant mirror in the room where I gave birth and seeing the sight of like after I gave birth, my open vagina with the placenta at the surface and still seeing a little bit of the umbilical core coming out of it. I remember what that looked like. It's gross, it's fucking weird, it's but it's life.
My cousin just gave birth and her asshole was inside out once she got done giving birth, like inside out, and my cousin other cousin was describing it to me, and I'm like, I just can't picture exactly what that looks like. And she's like, don't worry about it, but like her vagina lips her inside of her vagina, just on the table lying there, and it's like, oh my god, it's so treacherous to even think about.
Oh I've only had one, but my vagina. Are you gonna have more babies? I think I'm just one and done. But I now there's a Sea Monster aesthetic with my vagina.
Now from Sea Monster.
There's there's like a little bit of prolapse with it, where like if you look at my vagina, it's like it just looks like someone going.
Is what it is?
And I've asked, I asked doctor like is normal and she's like, here, You're fine. It's just you pushed a huge thing out of your vagina.
So it's just like, so back to male comics speaking of that, So what is your experience so when you're doing because you're doing stand up now, I mean obviously you're special, you're doing stand up. How is your experience been dealing with men in the stand up world?
Really? I think that they're a lot nicer. I think generally the culture has gotten a lot nicer. And also I'm coming into these spaces now with some acclaim.
Right, which changes how people treat you.
Like it's I don't even know if the way I've interacted with certain toxic people is gender. I think it's some people are just shitty to everyone, Like I can't really parse out how much of it is because I'm a girl, and how much of it is just because I was. You know, when you're low on the totem pole and you're clearly insecure, you're just an easy punching bag. So now if I come into a comedy space I have there's a certain amount of power that I have.
And maybe it's that I carry myself with more confidence, or it's just people aren't as mean.
Yeah, I think that's an important thing to recognize as a woman, Like for everyone who's listening who people call in all the time asking like how do you get confident?
Or how do you you know, I always want to inject to everybody with confidence because it is true. Like sometimes you do have to fake it because you can smell insecurity on people and that's not a quality that you want to be putting forward. So even if you have to fake being confident, whatever you think that might be, or if you're mimicking someone else you know that's confident, like that is a worthwhile endeavor because I do believe in faking it until you make it.
I do believe that if you act the.
Part, like you know, I pretended I was wealthy and successful. Long before I was, I was waiting tables and taking people out to dinner, like I've got the tab.
They're like, you're a waitress. I'm like, Oh, don't worry, I've got money coming.
Like I believe that about myself and it turned out to be true.
And I really do believe in faking it until you make it.
I do believe that in all areas, not just confidence and not just career, but in all areas, Like I'm going to have a successful relationship, a romantic relationship. If that's what you want, you have to act like that's what's going to happen.
I guess what I wish i'd tried doing with some of these guys early in my career is I wish I would have been like, hey, can we get lunch, and then just at lunch, and this is a very female thing, been like I think you're so funny, like just I'd love to talk to you more about it. And because that way then they can't bully someone or maybe they still can. Who like took them out to lunch and was like, yeah, you know, I'm still learning, like anything any help. It's a very indirect female way
to deal with the problem. But like, I wish I'd tried killing them with kindness more just to see what would have happened.
I mean, it's interesting to think about that, but again I feel like that's like that's us having to give them and to assuage their ego to make them like us.
And it's like, fuck you.
I get what you're saying, but I also am like, no, no, no, I'm not going out of my way. I deserve as much as respect as anyone standing here, even before I was successful, just because just because it takes so much guts to do what we do. You know, you have to be brave. It's already you're already dealing with a live audience. Now I need people behind the scenes being assholes too.
So on stage, I have that courage that you're talking about. Or is there something that happens when I'm on stage that I'm like, yeah, I fucking belong here. Off stage, I don't. I'm wildly more sensitive. Yeah, it's just like who I am, and it's something I'm actively still working on.
Well, because I don't think you can change the fact that you're sensitive, but you can change your reaction to your sensitivity.
Yeah, right.
Yeah. What I'm working on too is beating myself up less for being sensitive because of not Because that's what's bad is when you're sensitive and then you go, why why the fuck you letting this bother? You're such a you're such a fucking idiot. Now you're sensitive and you're calling yourself fucking idiot. Of course, you know, it's like internet comments being the best example of like, don't read Internet comments, and it's like, well, great, now I'm telling
myself don't read Internet comments, and I feel sensitive. So it's like berating yourself doesn't help.
No, it does not help. You have to be talking very positively to yourself.
We all do, yeah, especially now, you know, during this kind of period of time we're all living in where we don't know what the fuck the world is going to come to, at least the world that we knew.
You know, we grew up in America, we thought like democracy is a thing that is indestructible, and now we're like, oh my god, if any of these people, you know, like these cabinet pigs go through, what happens to the FBI, what happens to all of our you know, government agencies, And you're like what I know to be true might not be true at all, or might not be true for very much longer.
I mean when Whmber when the biggest news was the President got a blowjob and stuck a cigar up someone's.
Yeah, Hue, Yeah, I remember that.
Was the biggest news. That's how I found out what blowjobs were.
All I remember thinking about that was I remember when that story came out, and I thought, now, because every father knows their daughter is being sexually active, but they're not thinking about it. They're putting it to the back of their mind. They're like, I don't want to think about them, and I'm certainly not going to envision my
daughter sucking someone's dick. And then poor Monica Leuminsky's father knew for sure that her daughter was giving a blowjob and knew that about the cigar, Like, I could not get that out of my head. I think the first time I met Monica, no, I think I knew I was smart enough not to tell her that. Anyway, She's coming on the podcast soon and we can talk to her.
I'm such a fan. Also, my dad went was law school. He knew someone involved in the case at the time, and at the time, I was like eleven, and I'd met the guy like a couple times before. I think he was really close with my dad when I was younger, and he said something to my dad like, you know, I was very close with Monica's family, and obviously if anything like this were to ever with Rachel, it helped out.
My dad was like, Oh, my my eleven year old son, you're saying, if my eleven year old daughter ever sucks the president's cop. I don't know why I know this story, but it's been something I've wanted to talk to Monica.
I want to tell something that Monica said to me. I was we were at a friend's house the other night and Monica was there and she said this, and I think I think she wouldn't mind me sharing this. She said when she had the opportunity to vote for Hillary Clinton in twenty sixteen, not only did she take it, but after she voted for her, she started to make plans to move to England because she knew that this wasn't going to be a great place for her to
live with Hillary Clinton as the president. Not that Hillary Clinton was threatening her in any way, but just societally speaking, being the woman that did that in such a public way, and now Hillary Clinton was the President of the United States. She just thought she would be safer in the UK and at the same time cast her ballot for Hillary Clinton.
And I got.
Doosbussed when she told me that, because I was like, Wow, what a fucking predicament, you know, what a thing to have to do and a thing to have to consider. On that note, we're going to take a break and we're going to be right back with Rachel Bloom.
And we're back with Rachel Bloom.
We are back, and we're going to take some colors and some emails.
We're giving advice. Yes, okay, are you ready?
Yep?
All right. We'll start with an email. This comes from Jen. Jen says dear Chelsea, longtime listener, first time writer. My husband and I, both in our mid forties, have been married for ten years. We have one son together, and he has a son from a previous relationship, so two kids. We have started the divorce process and hope for it to be final in the spring. We haven't told the kids and we'll wait until we know what's happening with the house, etc. We're still living under one roof and
are mostly cordial. It's never been a real outwardly affectionate relationship, so not many changes there. Here's the deal. He soon to be X has not told his parents. They're in their eighties and his dad is not doing so great but okay enough that he's still at home with his wife as his primary caregiver. They live close enough to us that their family gathers on short notice about once a week. I've been able to avoid these gatherings or stop by for a couple of minutes with an excuse
to get out of there. Our anniversary gross was a couple of weeks ago. This past weekend and my soon to be ex asked if I would stop by their house so they could give us an anniversary card. I declined. My issue is that I'm starting to look like an asshole because their son is lying to them. My soon to be X says he's not telling them because of their health conditions. My friend and family circle know the details of what is going on, as I don't lie to those that I'm close with. Am I wrong for
declining all of the family interaction? Do I go along with this lie? What sort of family acts like this? Love your show, Jen Boy?
You go first. That's a really unfair situation to be put in. Absolutely, I don't know how sick his parents are, Like there's a parson that's like, is there a different lie he could tell? So that that doesn't involve you because like you can't control that he's lying. Well, you can't control is like I'm not participating. So can he say that you're going through a mental health thing and he doesn't want to discuss it. But you'll be a
little But I don't know the victim of that lie? No, you're right, you're right, I mean I guess he's Look, the solution is just fucking tell his parents.
Well, also I would just this is another mel Robbins.
Let them let him, let him lie all he wants, but do not participate in is lying?
Fuck off?
Like a people are is there your ex in laws? Now? Like people are sick all the time.
Also, by the way, like yes, I was gonna say, I was gonna say the same thing, how sick are they?
But also that's not your problem. Your marriage is ending. You need closure. Everyone needs to know about it.
They're going to find out.
They're going to find out, and you don't want to be an asshole for participating in the lie. You know, So I would say extricate yourself from that and let him tell them and say you're not doing anything anymore with them, and if they.
Think you're or if he doesn't, if he's still lying and they just think you're a bitch, then like, okay, they're not your in laws anymore.
Or you can also say hey, if you don't tell them, I will, but then that puts the onus on you, and you don't need that kind of onus to have to tell them, because what if he doesn't tell them and then you do have to tell them, you can threaten to do that, and then when he doesn't tell them, just you know, just I don't know.
Hopefully kids know, right, No.
The kids don't know because they're ready to see what happens with the house. I feel like that might be the turning point here.
That's when you can start being like fuck it if the kids know.
But there's no obligation to participate in seeing his parents all the time. Just just say you're not yeah, whatever, like whatever you need to say. But you also don't have to lie for other people. And I'm sick of people wanting you to participate in their lives.
I mean, at some point the parents are going to be like, do we do something wrong that you're not coming over? And at that point it's like, we're getting a divorce.
Yeah, but there's not tell you it's not your problem unless they call her specifically, and at which point she could be like, yeah, we're getting divorced, exactly right.
I thought he told you.
But if they just think you're an asshole, that's not your problem. Yeah.
Yeah, you won't be dealing with them for very long anyway, if you're getting divorced.
Yeah, I would have assumed your son would have told you. I think is the line after.
Like, oh no, we're problem solved.
There you go, all right, Well, our next caller Maya Wrights. Dear Chelsea. I probably don't need to explain why dating as an Israeli American has been daunting and scary this year. I barely identify as Jewish. My mom has to tell me when all the holidays are and to show up for dinner. But your nationality, of course, is something that's
hard to hide. Before this year, my dual nationality was something I was more than happy to share up front, because it's a core part of my upbringing, but now I feel like I have to hide it because who knows who's on the other side of these dating apps. I'm a bleeding liberal too, so it's a higher chance that the like minded liberals I'm seeking are also anti Israel. I'm fully American passing since I grew up in the US, so I can, of course just not mention it when
chatting in an app. But honestly, it's such an emotional issue for people right now, I do not want to be the recipient of someone's misdirected rage. Dating is already brutal enough, and this has tipped me over the edge towards just giving up. I've tried putting Jewish filter on the apps, but I live in Texas, so after swiping through the five Jewish men, I see no one is left.
There.
Also, isn't a Jewish organization I've been able to find to meet people in real life that's not religious. I'm agnostic. I'm really happy on my own and live close to family and great friends, so moving for the sake of dating really is of no interest to me. I don't at all feel desperate for a relationship, but I do want to find my person and it doesn't seem like
the geopolitical circumstances are going to change anytime soon. I guess the gist of my question is, if I don't want to shut myself off to a wider pool of non Jewish men in an already challenging dating world, how can I approach dating in an open and optimistic way that still preserves my emotional safety instead of out of fear? Any advice? Maybe your one straight, single, agnostic Jewish man or his sisters are listening, Maya.
Well, hopefully they are listening.
Hi, Maya.
Hi, Hi, this is our special guest, Rachel Blue is here today.
Awesome.
Hi, Hi, You've got Jews in the house. So what dating apps are you on?
I've kind of well, currently I'm not super active, but usually whenever I join its hinge mm hmm.
And do you like present yourself as Israeli? You don't, You're just no.
I used to, you know, pre last year, and now it's just kind of I don't know. It's such a polarizing topic that I don't know. I feel like it will automatically turn a lot of people away.
Yeah.
Absolutely, Like I don't think it's it's worth advertising you know what I mean, you don't have to be like, I'm Israel, because that almost sounds like you're only.
Like you know, it makes political sea making a political.
State also, and it also centers your identity in a way that like might not be relevant to you too to actually you're dating life at all. For sure. It's like, sure, if I put on a ding provle like I am of Ukrainian descent, Okay, like what I mean, what.
Yeah, yeah, Like I grew up in the States, and so it's like, sure, you know I have family there and I speak Hebrew, but it's not my current identity, I would say.
And have you experienced men being like once they find out that you or Israel aid that, don't they don't want to date you?
No. But I also honestly have just been kind of nervous to go on the apps this year. I've just been actively avoiding it. I did. I did join hine last month for like a week. I chatted with a few people, didn't mention anything, set up a few dates, and then I just ended up canceling them all because just the thought of I don't know, I made me anxious.
I know, but I don't think you should catastrophize the situation because a that is not a boiling point for every single person in this world. It's it's shameful that people are blaming anyone who's from Israel for Israel's policies. And listen, this conversation is an unwinnable conversation because there this has been going on for eons and eons.
You can't help who you are like, Yeah, where anyone stands like this is literally just who.
You are like, and that many people in this world have no have no interest in that at all. The Palestinian Goaza, you know, the gods of conflict and Israeli gods of conflict.
Many people don't even care about that. They don't understand it, they don't want to get involved.
You know.
I know we're dealing with this like movement that everyone you know that we're experiencing since October seventh, but that's not inclusive of the whole world. So I feel like you're projecting your worst fears onto your dating situation when
it's not necessary to do that. If you go on a date with a guy, and you go out with him a couple of times, you're gonna get a sense of who he is and what he stands for, and if that's going to be something that he's staunchly against, and I would venture to guess that it won't be like it's You're not going to be only running into people that are pro Palestinian and anti Israel.
Even though you're in Texas.
There are still plenty of people who are not engaged in that conflict, who are not paying attention to that conflict.
We're living in America, you know what I mean. There are a million things.
Going on that people are interested in, and many people are not interested in politics. So I think you have to reframe the way that you're like looking into things. You don't need to represent yourself on the dating apps
that way. I think what you need to do is be a little bit more open minded and try not to come from this place of fear and try to be like, you know, someone meets you three or four times and gets to know you, even if they do have strong feelings about that, they're gonna go, oh, well, wait, here's a perfect example of someone who's from Israel who is not. You know, whatever your position is, like, you're not a threat to that person. You don't have completely
opposing views to that person. You probably would find that out sooner than three or four dates before you even reveal your personal life. And I feel like religion is personal and you're not even very religious. You said you're kind of agnostic, right, I mean I'm an agnostic Jew too.
I relate to Jews absolutely.
I was raised that way, and I'm very proud to be a Jewish person, but that doesn't preclude me from interacting with people who have different mindsets. And so give yourself a little bit more like wiggle room the dating area. You're gonna know someone and get to know someone a little bit before you even have to make that kind of decision or.
Call as a fear based jew atheist jew. Two suggestions and questions. One have you considered jaswipe or does it suck?
I've never actually heard of that.
Maybe either, it's okay. So this is I've been.
With my husband for sixteen years, so I never internet dated. So this is mom coming in. Jswipe is what I believe what Jada now is and it's its own app. If you're worried about because I get it like you're worried about just like someone coming at you for something you truly can't change about yourself. So I wonder, I just wonder about I've heard different things about jaswipe. Again, I apologize if I'm maybe I'm saying an app that is already defunked because I've never online dated. But the
other thing is jswipe. The other thing is because I'm fully like an atheist. But I don't know how much you've checked out local temples and like Jewish organization, but like, and maybe this is like an LA thing, but there are some reform places that are like the God is optional. This is much more about the culture that I wonder if you did a little bit of poking around and digging, because there are certainly places like that in LA where you can fully like be an atheist and it's cool,
like it's part of the culture of that place. And I wonder, I don't know what city you're at in Texas, but there are definitely places and Jewish spaces to go to that aren't just like, well, if you know, it's all about God.
Yeah, I think you know, like you said, you're atheism agnostic. I think it is. I've avoided that kind of thing because to me, that is very religious centered. But you know, I don't know. I think there's one synagogue here.
So yeah, But I mean, have you done research online and looked for any sort of like Jewish community stuff or Jewish dating stuff, because listen, you're not like, you're not the only Jewish person in Texas.
And I guarantee you there are other people.
Who are feeling the way that you're feeling that want to be congregating like with each other or dating with each other and mixing with each other.
And it doesn't have to be religious based.
I'm a reform Jew, like I was raised like that, and that's like, you know, it's just.
Like the bare minimum of being a Jew.
And it's very casual, you know, it's not like religious folk.
It is culture focused.
It's not as religious as like being a conservative or an orthodox Jewish person. And I understand that it can feel ostracizing, but I wouldn't give up hope that there are more communities that you just don't know about yet where you are.
I bet you there's a JCC not too far. I mean, I don't know where you're at in Texas, but like a place like that that it's a Jewish Community center.
That's so.
I mean, I live in the most like liberal agnostic place ever, so I'm surrounded by like Jewish spaces that are very much like God optional. But I feel like if you looked, if you did a little poking even on like Reddit, maybe I bet there's some spaces where because like it's so Jewish to be agnostic, Like that's like a very like that's the trick. Is you say to any rabbi I'm an atheist, they go, oh, that's very Jewish. So I feel like there's gotta be pockets.
And also, I mean side note, my cousin used to be a rabbi in Texas, so I could on the DL ask him for tips. Yeah, yeah, I could text him right after this and then just separately reach out to you and see what he says.
Oh I'd love that, thank you.
Yeah.
Yeah, And I love Expanding your area doesn't necessarily mean you have to move, Like you could have like kind of a long distance fun like flingy thing, or you know somebody that you visit here and there and that's great, or maybe somebody wants to move to where you are if it gets serious enough.
You know, Yeah, expanding your area is good too.
I do like that idea because I'm a big advocate of long distance relationships. I think those are more fun anyway than having somebody up your ass all day long, every day. It gives you something to look forward to, and it gives you someone to communicate with and sex with and flirt with and all that fun stuff. You know, that beginning period of relationship is the most fun part of the relationship, where you're constantly talking on the phone making plans to see each other like that is fun.
And long distance extends that.
Yes, it does, It does extend that.
Yeah.
Also, I wanted to say jas Wipe Israel is the number one Jewish dating app.
Oh my god, look at Rachel bloom On that way with your finger on the pulse of all Jews.
I will look into that immediately after.
Yeah, And just I also just really in your head, don't catastrophize the fact that you're from Israel and that you're Jewish. That's okay, that's okay, And most people who are reasonable will understand that you're not going to want to go on a second date with any guy. That's not going to understand that anyway. And also you don't have to divulge that immediately but be a little bit more like broad minded, not to the point of being naive.
You know, you know what's happening in the world.
We all do.
We're all aware of what's going on.
But just to be a little bit more open minded and give people a little bit more credit. You know, if you start to understand if you go on a couple dates with somebody that doesn't know your Israeli or they don't know your wish and.
After a couple of dates, you're gonna know whether or not to share that information with them.
That's a fair point.
You could also try doing it on It's like hands right, you could also try doing it see what happens. I don't know if you have a close friend that like maybe you could give them your Hinge password and they could check messages for you and just be like, so what is it like? So that way you don't have to read just in cases like you start getting bombarded
with stuff. Again, I've never been on apps, so I don't know what apps look like really, but like, is there like a friend that you could be like, hey, could you just I started doing this a week ago, can you just take a look through the messages? Let me know what the vibe is and they're like, I don't see anything, and then you know it's like safe and that way you haven't read a ton of terrible things.
Yeah. Yeah, that's a good point. I think my main concern is, you know, if I wait two or three dates to divulge this key part of my upbringing, if even if it's not, you know, my life now to just spring it on someone a few dates in. But I get it like it is protecting myself too, you know, in getting to know someone before if I'm feeling nervous before divulging that, do.
You say agnostic Jew in your profile?
To be honest, I don't know. I think I put just agnostic because.
If you say agnostic Jew, then you're like kind of letting people know you're Jewish, and anyone who's like doesn't want a dated Jew period won't date you. I feel like that might help narrow some stuff down too.
Yeah, that's true something I listened to recently. The Daily just did a piece on it's on dating over fifty online, which is not necessarily your situation, but there were some really good tips in there about it's the haystack theory. They say, like, how do you find a needle in a haystack, light the haystack on fire. So basically it talks about totally reinventing your your online persona and like really whittling down to like, here's actually who I do
want rather than having the broadest possible results. And a lot of people have found some success with that. Check that out. There's a bunch of good tips in.
There that does make sense. You know you are reading people out.
Yeah, I just wouldn't want her to become a target, you know, for who are like.
Oh, you know, let me make my stance on hinge.
Yeah, like that's why I'm like, is there someone who could like go through the.
First sec identify herself as a Jew as agnostic Jew?
And yeah, people like see agnostic Jew that means certain things to different people, and then see like what the type of messages that come in and then like maybe you have a friend who helps you like whittle through that way. It's not just all on you if the messages get really like volatile, Yeah.
I could probably ask my sister to do that. She probably love that.
Yeah.
When I'm doing I'm an only child, this is when I get really jealous. Yeah, yeah, that sounds really nice.
Love this kind of stuff. All right, well will you let us know how it goes?
I will, yes, thank you all.
So I message my cousin, Oh yes, like I'll just ask exactly.
Yeah is he single?
He's super not?
Oh okay, well maybe he yes.
I'm Jewish.
I think yeah.
I think you have to have a more optimistic out, be hopeful and be optimistic.
Whole place is godless.
And also sisters like listeners. If you are those sisters who have a brother, send us an emailat thank you so much.
Maya Okay, thank you all, bye, maya good luck.
I feel like we gave her eight different things to do.
We're like good though, lots of things. I heard of this thing called chase.
Well you were right on the money. Someone's paying attention.
Well, we have one more caller. We can either take our little break and come back for our caller, or I.
Will do that.
We'll take a break and we'll be right back with Rachel Bloom.
And we're back.
We are back. Our last caller today is Deanna. She says, Dear Chelsea, here's my situation. I'm in my early forties, never married, no children, I have a long term boyfriend of almost eight years. He came with a dog, Yama. Over the years, Yama and I created a very strong bond through COVID, moving to different states, countless hikes and backpacking trips, and working remotely. He has been by my side, best coworker ever. In the beginning of October, his health
took a turn. He went from sixty pounds to forty in a matter of weeks. We treated him for all sorts of things. Nothing worked. My strong dog, who hiked up countless mountains with me, couldn't even get up the stairs. The VET deduced it had to be cancer, so on October twenty third, we said goodbye. It happened fast, and I have been taking it really hard. I'm not exaggerating when I say I haven't loved anyone or felt closer to anyone than I did with him.
Then add this.
Election business, and I just feel so lost and alone. I know you're a dog mom, and I know you've suffered great loss in that arena. Any advice on how to press forward at this moment, I never won another pet again. The idea of going through this feels masochistic, but I know that's my grief talking. I appreciate any advice you can share. Love you and all that you do.
Deanna, Hi, Deanna, Hi, Hi, y.
We have another dog lover here today, Rachel Bluem.
Nice to meet Yeah, to meet you. I really feel you. I'm sorry that you lost your lover.
Thank you.
That was really hard to listen to again. Yeah, I'm sorry.
Say honestly, you need to get another dog. You do.
You're gonna love another dog just as much as you loved this dog. Your love is that is not like you know, like it doesn't it's not fin You need to give your love to another person or another thing or another animal, and like that's how it happens. When as soon as I lose it, as soon as I see one of my dogs going downhill, I get another dog so that it will soften the blow when I lose my dog. Because there are so much love to be had in this world. There are so many animals
that need to be loved. In the way that you're discussing your love or the way that you expressed your love for your dog, you have to give that away to someone else, and you will, and that will help you heal. I promise you that will help you heal. You don't have to get a puppy. Go get a rescue dog, you know, oh yes, of course, and go look at and fall in love and transfer that love that you had.
You don't even have to think about it. It will happen.
You can also try five yeah, as like a way station if like you're not ready. Also, I don't know if this is what you're feeling, but I feel like there's a certain shame sometimes of over people morning pets, where they're like, I know, it's just a pet, I know it's and it's and I think in case, that's a part of you that's like I don't know why I can't get over this, like just allowing yourself to feel the grief over this being that you loved, and
if it were a human, what grief would you allow yourself? Rachel, That's exactly what I'm feeling now. Yep, thank you for that validation.
And also you're saying I don't know if I could ever go through this again, like you can. You're sitting right here, you're going through it. You are surviving. You can go through this again. You're going to go find another dog, You're gonna foster it or you're gonna rescue it and you're going to form a bond with it.
And if it doesn't work with the first dog or you don't feel it, then great, then you'll get a different dog, if you foster a dog or if you but I promise you, when you adopt a dog, it's very unlikely that you are not going to have the same feelings that you're describing. It won't be the exact same because no two dogs are the same, you know, but your love is the same.
You know.
The love that you extend to a pet is not measurable. It's not like you love one dog more than the next. I've had about six dogs now in my life, and I whoever my favorite is always the one that's alive, you know. So, like it's a less emotional way of looking at it. But I promise you, like, when you have that kind of love to expend, you need to expend it.
Okay, that's really good to hear.
Yeah, and also grieve grief all you want, like what Rachel said, absolutely, but also think about how you can impact another dog's life with all that love.
That's true. Thank you, yeah, yeah, good luck, Well, thank you for having me on.
Yeah, send us a picture when you find your new buddy.
Yeah, yeah, if you find your new lover, send us a picture please sure, well, thank you, okay, thanks for calling Dan, Thank you, nye. It it is sad when people are debilitated by their pets loss, which is what's going to happen to you.
I see it.
Coming down the pike, and I mean I joke and special about like I mean, pet laws, those websites for pet loss are the most embarrassingly earnest things, like the art around pet loss, all of it is so embarrassingly earnest. And also it makes me very emotional, and I think, like, yeah, like they're people, so it's it's okay to grieve them. Absolutely, it's okay.
So powerful with dogs especially I think with cats of herecap or something.
And we have a kid and we still I mean, it hasn't diminished our love for our Yeah.
I know some people have kids and then they're like, we gave our dog bag, we gave our dog away.
I don't, I can't.
I don't. Also, my dog and my daughter are like best friends. Well, and I think the dog tolerates her, but my daughter calls Wiley her sister. Oh that's she literally says, like other people at school be like I have a brother, officer should be like I have a sister and she is a dog, and that's what we teacher.
I love that.
Thank you Rachel Bloom for being here. Make sure you guys catch your special on Netflix. It's called Death. Let Me do my special. It's on Netflix. Make sure you watch it and look out for Rachel Bloom everywhere.
She's just around the corner.
It'll only take me fifty minutes.
Thank you for being here, Thank you for having me. Yes always. We'll see you guys next week. Bye. Do do Do Do Do do.
Drum roll Catherine please, Chelsea Handler Abroad. Abroad is my European tour, which I just announced. Tickets go on sale tomorrow or today or there's a pre sale code Chelsea. So I'm coming to obviously find.
A husband of Rod.
I need to get the health out of this fucking country. And it's not as easy as you think. So I'm coming to Rekuvik, I'm coming to Dublin. I'm coming to the UK. I'm coming to Brussels, Paris, Belfast in May and June, I'm coming to Oslo, Stockholm, the Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow, New Zurich, Vienna. I've never ever been to Vienna, Berlin, Barcelona and Lisbon.
I'm coming abroad. Is abroad that sounds like fun.
I'm gonna go see you abroad.
I rid out. I want to go see me abroad and there all be there, All be fun, okay. All Upcoming Vegas dates March twenty first, April eighteenth, July fifth, August thirtieth, November one and twenty ninth at the Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas.
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine law and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com