Home Births and Past Lives with Lily Rabe

Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea, how are you.

Oh, we're just packing up, getting ready for summer. My house is a it's always every day I come home, there's the furniture from the living room has been put into the library. The furniture in the library is being put in the dining room. Everyone's just testing out different areas for different pieces.

So it's a moving puzzle piece, right, thing is a moving.

Are you in the design pace?

Yeah, we are designing. Yes, the house is erect it has been erected. We're not done. No, we're still not done. It will never be done, but we are closing the gap between now and done. And then I had a conversation with my cousin Molly yesterday. I was trying to figure out whether or not to bring Doug to my Orca for the month of June, because I'm going to Myorca and I want him to come to my Orca. But that's selfish because it's not going to be so

I was gonna say, how much dog pee do you want in your house?

That's the new house, isn't It's all travertine, so it's okay, it's not carpeting. Yeah, but I don't really want to clean up dog piss because boys.

Also it's like not just on the flat surface.

And yeah, yeah, I know.

And he's also a lunatic, so I have to bring him on a plane, Like, I don't think I can do that yet until you get trained. But you can hear me talking about you can't you. He's in the office right now with his big fat lions Maine.

That's right, you know, he's just perfect.

Actually, So what's it like to fly with a dog that's dog sized?

You have to buy him his own seat or something.

Yeah, I would buy a ticket and we take like a honeymoon pot over together, which I'm totally down to do, but obviously, because but I just think it's I just think it's going to be a disaster.

Yeah.

Plus everyone's going to be all fucked up all the time, and then people where's dog? And I lose him and then.

Yeah, maybe he's an LA dog.

Yeah, he's a La boy La and whistler. He loves whistler. Oh, I'll bet so.

He saw you posted that. He likes to sleep on the patio just because it's like nice and cool.

That's cool.

He comes in Sometimes it rains outside, her drizzles and he comes in and he's all wet in the morning because he comes in the morning in the bed to say hello, and then he gets into the bed until I let him go outside.

He probably can't even like feel the wetness because he's just like, he's so.

Beautiful it does. Everything he does is excusable because of his good looks.

I understand now you know why men get away with murder because he's a beautiful man and he can do no wrong. I took him for a walk yesterday and it was like taking a kangaroo for a walk. I mean, he is such a lunatic. I have to carry treats everywhere I go because that's the only way he comes. It's the worst. I have never had a trained dog, and now they're going to train him when I'm in Majorca. But great, we'll see how that works out. I haven't had much success in the past.

Yeah, he's very smart, though, I feel like he'll pick it up.

Is he smart?

I don't know yet, just dumb and beautiful.

Okay, So our guest today is an actress. Her directorial debut is called Downtown Owl is streaming now, and you can catch her in the upcoming The Great lilyan Hap Please welcome Lily Rabe.

She was my favorite in Love and Death. It was so fun. I was on Jimmy Fallon and Robert de Niro.

It was a tenth anniversary, So Robert de Niro, They're like, would you mind being a second guest?

And I was like, why they go? Because it's a tenth in year anniversary and it's Robert de Niro, He's the first guest.

I go, of course, of course, And then I thought, god, you know, I really am sexually attracted to Robert de Niro.

Like I was like, fuck, I don't even want to be in the scene.

I've already made advances towards him publicly, like at the Critics' Choice Awards, I talked about how I wanted to, I think, sit on his face or something. I don't think I said it that way, but that's what I was thinking. And then and so I don't want him to see me.

You know what I mean. I don't want him to have to deal with me.

I just want to say I said to them last night, I go, please let me know when he's left the building and then I'll leave. And they're like, he's still here. He watched your whole segment. Would you like to meet him? I go, no, thank you, I'd like to go to dinner now. Anyway, we're here with Lily Ray. But which There's been a lot of back and forth about how we pronounce your last name because it's spelled r abe.

What kind of name is rape?

It's German.

Oh I'm German too, Yeah, spreckensy Deutsch. No spreckency Deutsche. I don't sprekanzy Deutsch either, so don't worry. Okay, So it's a German name.

I think it might mean raven or something.

But yeah, anyway, rab maybe okay, but not like the broccoli. But then I like, it's the silent e or my as my kids now are they say it's the magic E. When I learned it was silenty Now it's magic e. But like babe, Rabe, babe, babe babe.

Okay, so I didn't know you came from like a Hollywood family.

I can't.

I mean, your mom's a famous actress Jill Klayburg, right, I had no idea, So.

I take that as a compliment.

Yeah, I mean, I mean, is that was that something that you had to struggle with, like with your career and stuff, kind of creating your own identity and individuating.

I think yes, but more emotionally because I had like the most wonderful parents and she was amazing at kind of separating and she really stopped working for a big chunk. So I had like mom and then sometimes people would come up to around the street. But it wasn't like we weren't like in Hollywood. We weren't living in la We were like in the country.

It's not like your mom was j low is what you're saying.

It's also not like that.

Yeah, very similar.

We were in a place where it wasn't you know, it's different living out here. It's like it was it's like such a it's like a mining town or it's it wasn't like that where we were, So there was a lot of separation. But yeah, I was like I danced and I was a writer, and I was like finding all these other ways my dad's a writer too, But I was like, you know, how can I have my own way towards this thing that ultimately felt kind of like where I was headed the whole time.

But I want to talk about this show that I didn't discover you on that show I've seen you in. I saw you on an American horror story, and then Love and Death. I saw you on the series Love and Death, which was such a phenomenal performance that I watched it twice, not just with you, Elizabeth Olson. I was blown away by every part of that and Jesse Plemens, Yes, your performance was just so.

This was a story that.

Was based on on a true story about a woman about an affair, and then about the woman whose husband was cheating finding out about the fair, and then there being a fight between the two women and somebody dying one of them murdered the other woman and her being on trial, and it was she was basically let off right found not guilty for temporary insanity, which I always have a real problem getting my mind around temporary insanity, because okay, so if I lose my shit and a

Off and I stabbed someone and they die.

You didn't stab them once. I mean, it was just so many, so many hits. It's like an unbelievable so it doesn't feel very temporary.

It's not temporary at all. I just can't believe that's a real thing. It's it's like, even if you lose your mind for ten minutes, that's not an excuse.

You fucking did it. You still did it.

I agree with you.

Yeah, But what I.

Recognized about you in that show is, Hey, you're sole because I've seen you in so many different things, and you have one of these very interesting faces where you're always like, I know who that is, but I don't know who that is, and you're like, I think that's such an advantage as an actor.

It's not.

I don't think it is an advantage of an actor, because you can be so mercurial or you can be not mercurial.

What's a shape shifter like a chameleon? Yeah?

Right?

Do you feel that way about yourself?

I mean it's hard to talk about myself, but I can say that in the actors that I love watching the most, those are the faces that I am sort of like the most attracted to as a viewer. I love when a face kind of surprises me all the time. That's such a high compliment, And like Julianne Moore is like that, she's just and you never and you're constantly surprised by her.

Yeah, she's in her character every step of the life.

She's a character actress who plays leading ladies, and to me, that's like the most wonderful thing to be. But you're really approaching like everything through character, and she's a great example of that. I think Nicole ca Men too, who's like definitely one of the most beautiful women on the planet. But I still feel every time I watch her, Yes, I'm just watching this absolutely new, surprising creation.

Yeah, she's like that too, you get It's funny. I once saw I was watching Meryl Streep in this I forget which movie it was, and I saw her do this thing that only Meryl Streep does, but she was in character, and I got so upset because I was like, wait, you just revealed that you're Meryl Streep. She does this

But I did see that you're directing your very first project. This is your directorial debut.

Yes, co directorial debut with my life partner, baby Daddy.

Baby Daddy.

Yeah.

Also we've worked together a lot and then we directed this movie together. I was in it, he's in it very briefly. I was in it a lot.

It's called Downtown Owl.

Yes.

And where is it streaming?

It's on Apple and Amazon. And there's one other one that I'm forgetting.

Oh, I didn't know that you could do that. You could put it on multiple It is on multiple We have to buy it. Oh okay, Oh I rent I see I see rent it? Okay, buy it?

Don't rent it by yea, buy it?

Okay, buy it everybody.

But it was adapted. We I optioned this Chuck Closterman book many years ago. I had done the audio book when I was like doing a lot of Feeder and wanted to make a little extra money. I asked my agents how I could do that, and they said, well, audiobooks are you know?

Some people love them, hate them. I like loved doing them.

Mind you doing my audio book?

Oh?

I can hate recording audio.

Really.

I just don't like being in that booth for that many hours. But you just said you love it, right, I do.

I love that.

I don't know. I love being alone. I being alone feels very I mean, I.

Know there's someone there, but they're Yeah, but your children aren't, no one.

How many children do you have? Three?

I have, well four, I have three?

Uh, you have another one on your I have three.

Out of my body. I've step daughter too. Oh, yes, I love her. I love being a step mom too.

Four is a great number for children.

It's great.

I'm from six. I like that.

I like anything above three. Yeah, three, four or five six. I just think it's it just is so joyful when you have that many kids.

You know, I camber the parents just outnumber them, my parents anything.

It's great.

It's just like beautiful chaos all the time, and everything happens so quickly, and I don't know, I love it. But anyway, we directed this movie together and my my latest and I'll say probably last baby was because Hamish did say recently, like are my eldest?

Asked for one more? And he was like, literally over my dead body.

So how old is your young?

He loves he loves, he loves it too. Two. But was three weeks old when we started shooting. Oh three weeks wow, so you're bastfeeding.

As breastfeating, I was bleeding.

I mean it was like three weeks like basically he was still coming out of my box, So you're bleeding.

I was.

He was like he was like women, the things that women are capable of.

Yeah, yeah, because three weeks and he was big.

But it was I had him at home and I was like on a zoom meeting like I think eight hours later or something doing remote h wow, location scouting.

Now when you have three babies, yeah, through your Pikachu, are you is it not a big deal like once you've been down the road or is it scarier because you.

Know what's coming?

I mean my vagina like like like a bird, you said birthing at home.

I'm not actually talking to your vagina, but I'm talking about your vagina. Like you said you had the baby at home, so there's a level of confidence that comes with that to be able to birth at home or say declare that you're going to do that.

Yeah. Yeah, And each I had, like my first labor was crazed, like forty five hours. The second one was like twenty Like they just it just kept have having so it was like forty five, I have twenty two and then like eleven eleven or ten or twelve or something, which felt to someone and they're like, that's so long. I had my baby in two hours, But to me that was like pretty fast.

And how were those experiences for you?

I've gosh, you know, it's like I'm not a person who I had this amazing doctor who really he matched my personality so well because he is like half hippie, half total neurotic.

Which I think I am.

M So he would have like I could be in the bathtub and we're all at home and the kids are there, and he like showed up to my house with like a paper bag of like a couple of tools. But I also knew that he would he would like call me always the next day and be like I left it there. I have a video of Hamish like giving him directions while I'm screaming in labor in the background to my house for like the fortieth time that I'll treasure forever. He's like, oh, you've we've passed the

I'm always just amazed. But anyone says like home delivery, I'm always like, what do you know that? I don't know? That sounds so scary, Like I want to many.

Not that I'm having a baby obviously, but if I had one, I would want as many doctors medical professionals as possible, which.

I completely understand. I just yeah, I loved. I loved being at home, but not like I loved. I mean, it's it hurts so much.

I'm not like, and then I you know, and you're having a natural birth. Yeah it hurts. You're having a natural childbirth at home?

Yeah?

Oh yeah, I mean the whole thing.

Yeah, no, there's nothing and the kids are they there when you're sitting there in contractions and screaming your other kids?

Or do you how does that work?

Yeah?

You know it went on for so long, like we blacked out all the way. I was like, I can't know if the sun is rising or setting at this point because this is never going to end. But yeah, they would come in, like with the last one they were they were there, particularly my eldest was my stepdaughter.

No.

She was like, you guys can give me a call on the babies out, I'm going to my mom's. But one of them like slept through so much screaming it was unbelievable and sort of like right when the baby came out like came in.

I don't know.

They must have some sense of like those screams and noises because they're so close to them that they know the difference between like she's not actually yeah, dying or something in a way that maybe even adults don't know. It feels like cosmic in that way a little bit, because they like whatever they they've been through it.

And they're nearer to it. Right. Yeah, yeah that rings a bell.

That's interesting. But that's an interesting way to look.

At it, right, because like if a neighbor hurts, right, they would.

Be like, Okay, what's going on over there?

Absolutely, and Hamah should always like very He was always like, well, she's gone into the Gorillas in the mist.

Z which.

Gorillas in the mist is always a good Okay, So how was the experience directing Downtown Owl. You were telling me about the book, Tell me a little bit more about it. What's the story?

I was easier than child, No, no, it was. It was hard.

But anyway, So it's eighties, middle of nowhere, tiny, tiny little town. Everyone knows everything, and this woman comes in to sort of temporarily teach there. We don't really know if she's running away from something, what she's doing there. During the course of it, she has her students, she meets Ed Harris's character and the who so.

Thet I love Ed Harris. He's another older man that I'm attracted to.

Well, you know, you see is is it Ed Harris? The old Ed Harris the beautiful in the movie?

You see his butt?

Oh okay, I've been attracted to Ed Harris for a long time, along with Robert, along with Robert de Niro. Older men are my that is my media.

But Ed is like, that's the most beautiful face.

He's got the best dimples and his eyes. Yes, and he's so sweet, oh yeah, yeah, And.

He's the greatest factory is a legend is.

He single, no, no, and a long time. That's the greatest. Yeah, I would imagine that to be true.

And then during the course of the film, she sort of falls in love with this town and I think is kind of confronted with her life where she's at, what she actually wants, what she's missing. And then there is a big snowstorm that comes and what's the town out based on an actual storm that did happen.

In North Dakota.

Yeah, this is like.

Dakota.

It's too cold up there, and I like Canada's, but North Dakota something is happening.

There's like a vortex of cold cold.

We shot in Minnesota and it was cold cold, and we had to we needed it to be cold because we had to sort of beat like the We couldn't have blossoms on the trees, so we needed to be freezing.

Yeah.

Well, I'm sure it's going to be an incredible performance and I will be renting it. It's available now, right, it's available now, it's available now. Okay, I'll be renting it tonight via Apple or Amazon.

Thanks.

Okay, So that's one project that you have. The other project is The Great Lilian Hall.

So tell us about how much just this is all like very new news because I think they just announced that it's that you're going to be starring in that that it's going to be on HBO soon at May thirty first, And that was with Jessica Lang and Kathy Bates.

I play her daughter.

Okay, let's just back up about Jessica Lang and Kathy Bates too. I mean, you're working with legends, thanks Ed Harris, Jessica Lang, Kathy Bates. I know, I'm working with Robert de Niro.

You are.

And they have the best stories too, Like there's nothing you know, I just gosh, they really because you The stories are so romantic about how movies used to be made, so I just like to bask in those stories. But yes, I played Jessica's daughter, and I loved her so much. I love Kathy so much. It was really a wonderful shoot.

Yeah, I've hung out with Kathy Bates. I had a couple of drinks with her. She's a lot of fun, so much fun. She's exactly what you would imagine, right, so much fun just from Sayer and all of her roles.

I love when people exactly how you picture them. I mean you know, sometimes you meet somebody and you're like, I wish.

I hadn't met that person.

That was a disappointment, or but they when they live up to your expectations, it's really like joyful.

Yeah.

Now with your experience as a mother, right, how old is your oldest.

So seven turning four and two three and.

A half two, so little ones? And your stepdaughter's how old? Seventeen seventeen.

So I've had a lot of relationships that have had children, and I love that dynamic, Like I love to step into that role, like I less pressure, you know, more, more reward almost you know what I mean. You have to do not less of the work once you're married to them. Obviously it's an equal amount of work that you are. You know, you have another kid. But talk to me about acclimating into that role. Like of becoming a stepmother.

I had that my mother was a stepmother to my older brother. I have a younger full brother and an older half brother, and my older brother lived with us mostly. Of course I didn't realize at the time, but then becoming a stepmother and had I had lost my mother by that point. But it was this amazing gift because

Ah, right, right, I can relate to that as an aunt, I get all the truth.

Yeah, yes, yes, that's a very it's a very maternal role to be in, right, even though it is it is a maternal role, but that's where your maternal instinct comes in, you know, with younger women, younger girls. For me, I know, especially like I feel very very protective of young women and helping them bloom, you know, helping them with their confidence and like helping them come into their own Like there's nothing better than like a sixteen seventeen year old girl that's blossoming.

My ex boyfriend had two girls.

One of my ex boyfriends had two daughters, and I'm so close still to one of them, and we broke up like ten years ago.

She's in her thirties now. Her name is Alessandra, and she's.

My baby, like she is my baby, Like I don't look at her as a friend or as a younger sister.

I look at her as my stepdaughter, you know.

And I don't know why that lens helps me to like prioritize her, But just because she is like that, she has a special position in my life that nobody else has.

No so lucky to have you.

It's like it's a really wonderful dynamic. I'm so grateful for it.

How did you meet your husband?

Well, I met him because he had worked with my mom. Actually, but I met him, he said, I was like texting the whole time, like we just met and didn't get to know him. But he was like my mom's friend. They loved each other, and they worked together twice actually. But then however, many years later, like probably I don't know, I want to say, like seven years after they had done play together. We were cast opposite one another in the Merchant of Venice.

Which you were nominated for Tony four, right.

Ultimately, like it started in the park with al Pacino, then we transferred to Broadway. Hamish didn't come to Broadway, David Harbor. Hamish went to make Battleship. David Harbor replaced him. So it was like, you know, two great actors in that role. And then we ran on Broadway for a while doing Merchant of Venice. But that's how I got to know Hamish. We weren't dating, but that's like and

Hmm. That's interesting. Are you into past lives and all that stuff? Regression a little bit? Ya, Do you think that you guys have had lives together? Have you looked into that. Yeah, that's interesting.

I'm just starting to believe it because the stories you hear are just like, they're just ridiculous, you know, not even that book Many Lives, Many Masters is a book we've mentioned a lot, which everyone I'm sure you've read, but beyond that, like the stories that I hear about past life regressionists, I'm like, oh god, I just really don't want to fucking come back again.

So I'm trying to make this the last visit.

You know, every time I hear someone tell a story, I'm like, oh no, oh no, I'm going to be born somewhere in some country that I don't want.

To be in, and it's going to be a struggle because this is the one.

Well.

Yeah, so I talk to a guy and he goes, if you want this to be your last life, you've got to double down on your spirituality, like double down and get as spiritual as possible.

And I was like, all right, I'm already I'm on that road, and I'll take it more seriously.

So it makes sense be a good last one, like you're really going out with a bang.

So I'm a I'm so so grateful for this life. I'm so happy. I just want to go to sleep now. I mean not now, but when this is over, I want to go to sleep peacefully.

Okay, she's just tired.

And on that note, we'll take a break and we'll be right back.

This week.

We'd love to get questions from anyone with parenting questions or step parenting questions. We'd also like to hear from any trans or non binary folks who would like advice from Chelsea, whether that be about friendships, dating, work issues, or anything else. Right into Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail dot com, and we're.

Back with Lily Rabe, who is a delight and so talented. I mean, I mean that's where you started. It was the theater, right, I mean everybody knows you from that. I mean you've been in so many plays and you must just really love doing that.

I really love it.

I really miss it. It's been a long time since I've done a play. I never thought I would be away from the theater for this long.

And what is it about it that you love?

You know?

It's like I love process so much. I hate being done with things. I hate letting go of things, which is a total blessing and curse. But with the theater, when you're doing a play, you never you're just in process the whole time. You never have to sort of you know, you're never like moving on from the scene

And I love that.

And then it's sad because when it's over, it's like those sand sculptures, like it's just gone.

So just an interesting metaphor for life, really.

Yeah, rather than like and then I had it on the other side editing this movie where I would be looking at Ed Harris and I'm like, but I have four takes that are like, they're all the greatest things I've ever seen, and I have to choose one, and you know which one it should be, and there's a reason for it, and you're you know, the movie is sort of talking to in the edit, and that was such an amazing process.

But I find that, you know, I like choosing the best.

It's like, well, there is no the best, but then the rest of them they have to disappear and at least with the theater.

You're like, well, I tried that, and I'll try this.

I'll try something different. Yeoh yeah, Okay, Well, let's take some callers.

Catherine shout absolutely well. Our first question comes from Heather. Heather says, should I change my son's name? Dear Chelsea, I'm on a bit of a sticky wicket. I'm a single mom by choice with a boyfriend who's been in the picture since I was five or six months pregnant. We dated before I decided to have a baby, broke up, and he came back after finding out I was pregnant thanks to Facebook. He's been a father to my son,

It's a really beautiful thing to watch. Here's the issue. We were talking.

Recently about the future, and he thought that if we get married, we'd both change our last names to his Burger. I thought he knew that my son and I would keep my last name, which is Cook. I agonized over what to name my son, and I really love his name. I appreciate my boyfriend's feelings and that he would formally adopt my son when we got married. Hyphenating isn't an option Cook Burger, I mean, And while we're both Democrats, I don't think he's.

Quite progressive enough to take my name.

I could tell that my boyfriend was hurt when I said we'd be keeping my name, and I do want to honor the father he's been to my son. But the other part of me loves my son's name. It feels a bit of haven't all the things I did solo, like egg retrieval at thirty eight doctor's appointments, shots and more painful shots appointments alone during COVID spending the money earned me the right to decide his name. Like I said, Sticky Wicket, curious for your take on this. It's new

Well, first of all, you have no yes, keep the name whatever you want the name to be. You did this on your own without him. It's great that he's back in the picture. It's great that he's an act of father. That's wonderful. I couldn't be happier for you. He can get over it.

Now. I was gonna say, I'm not married technically, even if we were, I wouldn't change my name. But my kids have Hamish's last name because I wanted them to have the same name as my stepdaughter. But Hamish has his mother's name because he was the only child of a single mother.

So and I also think it's just all mixy and MATCHI these days, it doesn't matter, like that's the least of the worries, like I understand.

But he could get over it. So that's that's the end of that story.

And it sounds like he's great and he will and he will.

Yeah, based on his based on his actions, it sounds like he's going to be great at getting over it.

All.

Right, Well, there you go, Heather. Our first caller today is Shannon. Kind of have this theme of what makes a family. But Shannon says, Dear Chelsea. I'm a thirty five year old mom in northern California. I've been with the love of my life for about three years now. I didn't know what was possible to be this happy in a relationship.

I have kids.

I know like positive affirmations. Yeah, I have kids from a previous relationship and he does not. Also, my tubes are tied and I'm not interested in having any more children. He's accepted this and sees my kids as his own. They call him dad, and his relationship with them is beautiful. My ex husband pays one thousand dollars a month in state mandated child support, but that's where his involvement ends. He makes zero effort to see them and hardly ever

Thanks Shannon, Hi, how are you?

This is our special guest Lily Ray.

Hi.

I think that's a great idea. I think your situation sounds awesome. First of all, congrats on everything. You have great children, you've got a great partner, and you've got an ex husband. Sounds like he probably will be relieved to be relieved of any child sport. Does that stop his child support once that happens?

I think so.

Yeah.

So I think you have every right to ask him. Absolutely. Have the kids spent any time with him in recent years?

He has never gone out of his way, Like maybe six months ago, he lives about three hours away and I was over there, so I called him and they went over there for a little bit.

I see, never gone out of his way to get them or anything like that.

Okay, Well, I mean it's a totally reasonable question for you, a request actually for you to ask him.

Anything wrong with that. I don't know what he's going to say, obviously.

Yeah, I think it might hurt his ego a bit, But.

Well, yes, because he's a man and he has one and it will hurt his ego. But you know, maybe if you give him some time to think about it and don't demand an answer right away, this will relieve you of your child support payments.

You know they're very close with him. I don't want to offend you.

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but if this is something you're open to, this is something that's come up in our conversations, and you know, we totally want you in on this decision.

Yeah, okay, you know, inclusivity.

Bring him into the decision making, make him feel like he's actually having a say in it.

Yeah. And he has other kids now, so, like I know he would love to spend his money on them.

Great.

Mention that too, Mention that too, Yeah, you know that sounds like that that will work in your favor as well. Yeah.

Yeah.

And emphasizing what a healthy relationship your kids have with your boyfriend and that I think that would be great. Chelsea, is this do you think this is an email? Is this a handwritten letter? What kind of communication.

I'd like an email? I? No, No, I think emails are nice. Are you comfortable writing that kind of email? Or would you rather talk to him?

No, I'd definitely rather be an email or a text message.

I don't think a text message is right to give up your children, but I think an email.

Is more appropriate because you can make all of your points and then wrap it up nicely, you know, like, again, this is not my decision, it's up to you, but this is what we're proposing, and this is what we'd be willing to do and be very coddling to a man whose ego is you know, a factor.

True.

Yes, I don't want to say manipulate, but sometimes you have to manipulate men in order for them to think it was their decision. And that's not the advice that I would stand next to and be like, yes, I say that, but you know what I'm talking about, so just do it.

Yeah, okay, Yeah.

One last thing I would say is if he is sort of upset about it at first, give it like three to six months and come back to him again again with the same like loving kindness and like we thought this.

Would be great for you.

It's your decision, but it would help make our house a home, right, Yeah, give him some time to process and.

Make sure you accent the part about him being able to do this now with his new children. He can shift his focus and his money to them so that they can create the same environment that you guys have created in your home.

Right, Okay, that's the kind of manipulation I'm talking about. Well, good luck with that.

Thank you, Shannon.

Thank you, Shannon. Let us know how it goes. Yeah, I well, thank you, Okay, bye bye, Lily.

Do you have any thoughts on that as far as making a house a home, incorporating family, maybe in a less traditional way.

Listen, I you know, I guess we sort of have.

I have a very untraditional home in a way because we're not married, but it doesn't.

Are you not in a marriage? No, you're not.

We're not married, but maybe we'll get married. We had sort of like compelling reasons not to do it. Those reasons are becoming less and less compelling, and now our my eldest is asking about it. But then the other day she was like, but why would you get married or already married? And I was like, right, right, kind of, I mean that's sort of how I feel. But I think that this sort of I don't know how to even define traditional. It's like, you know, he was raised

We had my stepbrother living with us. They're artists, like you know.

I just feel like the definition of family values is a moving is a moving definition, and for everybody, like what we're told is traditional and correct isn't right for Everybody's.

So personal and I think so often it's like, what are you doing for other people?

You know?

Often I will just call him my husband just for yes, to take of the other person. It doesn't I'm perfectly fine to do it, but it's like I don't wanna. I want the other person to feel comfortable because I have had people say when I'm like, well, my boyfriend, They're like, oh, what happened to the father?

I'm like, no, the father, yeah yeah, so, but.

I feel like so much of that or like you know, when divorces go well, but then there's all this.

I don't know.

The way you have to take care of other people is so much of it, and I don't it shouldn't be like that. It should be you taking care of your family and whatever that looks.

Like I think that that applies what you're saying to so many things with babies, with pregnancies, with your dating wirth question.

It's like when people I'm not like pro homeworth, it was like, right, you're a doula, but I'm not.

You know, It's it's I'm.

Very kind of wary of when people say, well, this is the way to do it, and yes, with pregnancy, well this will happen. What do you mean this will happen? This is what happened to you, this is what so yeah, it's like it's just so personal and specific.

And it's so nuanced for each person, Like every situation, every pregnancy is different for every woman. Like you're saying every marriage, every relationship, every dynamic between a child.

It's like there is no blanket.

Assessment that you can have, which is what tradition kind of is, is a blanket assessment like you're gonna have a husband, you're gonna have a dog, you're gonna have two kids, and you're gonna be like, there's all this, there's all this. It's like a box and the box is made to be broken open by other people choosing to do other things. And when people say like, you know, when you show up with, oh, when are you guys gonna get married?

Like?

Or when you get married, when are you gonna have a baby? Like that's so rude to.

Say, and they're like, when's the next tee.

I've caught myself saying those stupid things to people because I'm out of ideas, Like I've caught myself in going why are you doing that? Why just don't say anything instead of being like asking such a predictable question.

Well, our next caller is a Levia, and she has a very unpredictable situation.

Olivia's fifty four. She lives in Canada. She says, Dear Chelsea, here's the issue.

I dated a man for six years and lived with him for three until I was served at work with a registered letter. Unbeknownst to me, he had stopped paying our rent for fourteen months, and I'm on the lease. I paid him and I paid the majority of our expenses, thinking that he was paying rent. Once I found out that he lied about this for fourteen months and we owed over seventy thousand dollars, I moved out. Now I'm learning he lied about almost everything, including being legally married.

Olivia?

Ooh, hi Olivia.

Hi.

This is our special guest Lily Ray this year today. Hi bhi, So wow, this sounds like a script from a TV show or a movie. This is a terrible predicament you found yourself in.

It is, and I'm not getting paid for it, so I wish it was a script.

Well A, let's start with the good stuff.

Kudos to you for getting the fuck out of that house and not letting him manipulate you any further. That's great strength, good moves, and you made strong decisions.

So good for you for doing that.

And I know that must have been really difficult to find out all those things about him. Someone you trust that is lying, So the status of the business. When can you get away from him? And when is the possibility of that happening?

Never? Because we're fifty to fifty partners and he won't buy me out because that's his only link to me. And I don't have the money to buy him out. So I just feel trapped and I have to see him five days a week. He's in and out of my office every hour. I cann't get away from him.

Well, you have to, so you have to figure out a way to get the money to buy him out. Have you thought about a small business loan, like going to your bank and actually getting a loan to buy him out.

I could, but I just bought a place because I had to get away from him. And I've talked to three people in my life that are possible investors. So what I'm waiting for is maybe he will do like pull a shotgun clause and then I'm out of there. He would have to offer me the money. Then I would have to come back with the money. So I'm trying to tee up the money now so that if

Well, you do have the equity because you bought a house.

Yeah, there's not a lot of money into it yet, right, So I don't know I could chuck you into a lite.

I mean there's a legal argument for this also.

I know that's costly as well to hire a lawyer, but this is I do have Oh, okay, And what is his take or her take on it.

Well, he's saying that if he's not financially viable, that would be one way of getting him out of the business, right because I'm shouldering all the debt of the business. Because he has no credit, he can't get a credit card. So everything is put on my credit card until the business can pay for it. Now, so I just put a stop on my credit card. I've locked it, and I said, supply credit card or we just don't have the money.

And also because of what he did with your money already and that you were seventy thousand dollars in the hole, like there is proof of that behavior, so there has to be a legal argument for you to regain control of the company, get him out, or get him to buy you out.

Well, you said that part isn't an option for him to buy you out.

I don't think he can come up with the money to buy me out. I think that he's tapped out all his sources, like he's used everybody in his life. He's sixty six years old. Like he's not going to find another sucker. I don't think.

But oh, they can always find another sucker.

The move, yeah, but the move is for you to buy him out. The move is for you that you need to get him out of your life completely. And I think so there's a possible investor or you're saying that might give you the money.

Well, the people would be want to be partners with me. That's where I'm looking at because if I had three partners, and I have an accountant right now reviewing the books to make sure the books are good because it was his accountant.

Yeah, first you got to find out if the books are good. Oh yeah.

And just I have a question in terms of just like when you said he's coming into your office every hour, why with work things or just to torture you.

He's actually delusional. He thinks that we're gonna work on this, things are going to get better. Just give me another chance. It's like, no, are you kidding me?

Can't you have some You have to have some boundaries just in your workplace so that he's not coming in because it's your office.

He can't just come in all the time.

I mean, just to sort of protect your state of mind and your ability to do your job in the in the time before this all gets sorted.

He's like a small child. I lock my office door and I have a window, and he'll do like, hi, knock, knock high, like it's constant, right, So I'll open the door, like what do you need? Uh, I just wanted to see you know, like you know, did you read that email? Like it's just like so like it's just my numbing right, Like he's beyond And so the frustration for me is I feel trapped, but I'm like the process has already started.

He is and he is, he is a cloud over you.

I want to jump in with something about boundaries, because there's a very common, I think, misconception that like the boundary you set is for the other person's action. So you say, my boundary is that you can't do this, But in reality, we can't actually control what another person is doing. You can only really set the boundary for what your behavior will be. And it sounds like you need to extricate yourself in every small and large way

Is something you need to take action on.

Right Except it's hard for me to run the business with stuff if I'm always from home, so I need to be present. And the good thing is he's incompetence, so he's not there a lot, like he's in and out. He's there for you know, fifteen minutes, then he goes for draw. I don't know what he does, but I need to be there, and the boundaries that I've established are as soon as I leave work, I block him. And so what he does that night is you'll start sending emails that are work related, and of course I

Can he not come to work? It would it work that way if he stayed away?

Yeah, I would love that.

Okay, Well, maybe you have.

To get a third party involved, like a mediator of sorts. You know, business partners do this all the time, and you have a marriage history. If you get a third party involved to create some more specific boundaries where he's accountable not only to you, but to the third person. Like, it's an unworkable situation and I can totally I totally feel for you, but I know you're.

Moving in the right direction.

This is just the ugly murkiness until you get, you know, until you get an investor, and if it's not this investor, it'll be another one. But you've set everything in motion, like you're looking out for yourself and your business, and I have complete faith that it will work out for you. But I would bring in another person, ye, whether it's

He has to make appointments.

I mean, you have to be very stringent with the rules with someone like that, and make more rules than you care about, because then he has more walls to climb, you know what I mean, and he's going to be more easily defeated, knowing there's not as many avenues to

But you were going to inside you. No, I wasn't going to say that, but thank you for filling it in for me.

Have you sat down with him and asked him, like, what's the number that would get you to go away?

No, because I don't want to do that. I don't want to start that up until I actually have the funds, and I do want to do like this financial review to know if the business is even viable, like should I be buying a motor? Should I be bought out?

Absolutely?

Find that out right, So I don't want to start like opening that kind of words without having my facts and money lined up.

Okay, well, you sound like you have your shit together, So I would say, just keep doing what you're doing and then do what we said okay, people like that he can't be trusted around you alone.

I was just going to say that you need you need other people, like even if it's like you have an assistant, just another body in the room at all times when he's there, and then this third person will come in and help. But it seems like being alone with you is something that he knows how much it's provoking you and how crazy making it is. And I'm sure that's part of why he's continuing to do it. So like to break up that dynamic.

The problem is when I I'm alone with him, he's constantly grabbing me and I'll say it and don't touch me, and he's.

Like, you know you like it, Like, oh you just you got to have another un Well, that's that's harassment in the workplace.

Yeah, so that's it.

Yeah to me, like like his aggressive tendencies with me, like grabbing me and saying like, don't worry about it, you know you like it. You know we're going to get back together. It's like I start off my day every way like I'm not going to react to this. I'm going to stay calm, and then usually by two o'clock I'm ready to fucking throttle him, and then I'm telling him how much I hate him, and then I feel like, oh, this is really good for the whole like staff vibe, right.

Yeah, right exactly. I would really try to get he's got to not be at work. I know he's really not gonna. I mean, you're gonna have to figure out a system where he's not coming in as frequently as he is. And that's a boundary you're going to have to set as a part business owner.

I did ask him, I said, do you want to split days? Like I'm work Monday Wednesday Friday, you work Tuesday Thursday, for example, we don't have to both be here.

Well, no, he doesn't want to do that because then he doesn't have access to you.

Right, But don't ask him.

You have to kind of state that this is the new mandate because he doesn't seem to respect the fact that you are not together anymore and that you're a business owner, and he's not being professional, and he's proven himself to be untrustworthy. So these are all things that you need somebody else to be in the room as a witness so that there is actual like consequence, you know what I mean, So that there's accountability, and.

Then what's the accountability, Like, you know what I mean, if he continues to act like this, then what happens nothing? He's still an owner.

Well, I mean, there's an accountability in the terms of the three party. That's the first step. And you're right, he still is an owner until you figure out the situation. But you can't keep operating the way you're You can't just keep rebuffing his advances. You don't. That's not acceptable. He's sixty six years old and he needs to hear from he's married.

I mean, it's like it's irrelevant. He couldn't do that.

He's not He can't do that with anyone in the office. He can't do that right right, And there are are protections in places.

Yes, and he needs to be aware of all of those protections.

And that's why you want someone who is very familiar with workforce laws and like parameters and everything to be the person that you go to to be like, just so you know, this is something you can get in trouble for.

Just so you know, I'm not interested in your advances.

This is me telling you in front of a third person, I am not interested, and I find them to be an affront. You are sexually harassing me in the workplace. Now we are not together like That's why it's always important just to have another person involved, like a witness, and just start there and see if that affects his

In coming to the workplace if he knows he has to deal with that person.

Okay, it's worth a shot.

All right. Well, I don't envy your situation, but I think that you're going to see your way out of it.

Yeah, okay, well, thank you, thanks for giving me that place.

Yeah, and good for you for getting the fuck out of that relationship. And now you'll get out of this one.

Oh totally, yeah, one of us will.

Yeah, absolutely, all right, godspeed.

Thank you, Lily.

Why do you keep moving away from me? Yeah? You did it again?

Oh wait, no, I yeah, you can move your mic Yeah there I go.

You were going back to your microphone. Oh okay, okay. I'm like, God, is it my breath? Is it my body?

I love being I'm very you know you get clothes.

Another reminder to all listeners not to go into business with your partner.

Oh sorry, Lily's here. Ja'son business with her partner. Watch I fall in love and start a business with my partner in about six months. Anytime I say something and I declare something, I do the opposite.

Well, let's take a break and I have a really cute one to wrap up with.

Okay, great, we're going to take a break and we'll all be back with Lily Rape. And we're back with Lily.

Hi, We're back. Our last question comes from Waverley.

She is twenty four Chelsea. I met a boy over the summer who was passing through my city before he went on a month long trip. We instantly hit it off, but I was convinced i'd never see him again as he doesn't live here. He ended up stopping back in my city again on his way home one month later and stayed with me for twenty four hours. I was then again convinced that I wouldn't see him again. Long

For five days to start a business together. He is now coming back to.

Stay with me for two weeks next month, and we've decided to be exclusive and long distance date in the meantime, and then revisit next steps when we're back in person again. All in all, we've technically known each other for about five months now. I've been doing with the idea of moving to his city if this next trip goes well, but I can't decide when it's too early to seriously

I'm just worried about being that.

Girl who moved for her boyfriend and relies on him for everything, and also being so far from my friends and family if this doesn't work out. But honestly, I could see myself marrying him years from now because I'm basically still a child and he feels the exact same way. He's a really, really good guy and everything feels right

Really, Oh, I just think it has to be, you know, worrying about what other people think is that's the ego. It's just quiet those voices. It doesn't matter, and some will think it no matter what you do. You're always screwed with what will other people think.

But if you.

Feel excited about the place, if he were making a demand, like the only way this relationship will work is if you move here. But that's not at all what I'm hearing. So if you're excited and that feels like invigorating and a sort of chapter, it's not permanent necessarily, you're just trying something and you're twenty four, and your twenty is the.

Time to try something like that. Go for it, Go move and fall madly, deeply in love, and if it doesn't work out, that's okay. Then you'll move back home and you'll have some and you'll have another lover.

Like, just go for it.

Yeah, if you're in love and you feel that way about someone and you're that young, and you have nothing keeping you there but your family and friends you can still communicate with and visit, go for it.

This is the only life we get.

Make it count and that period of a relationship.

Actually, this isn't the only life we get. We've been talking about reincarnations maybe, but in this one, this could be a great part of it, or this could be your last life. But it's like that, it's so romantic. It's so it is romantic.

I love love too.

I like that.

I like like, you know, kind of impulsivity and love. I'm for that.

I love it.

Yeah, this is basically exactly the story of how my one of my best ties Sam met her husband Thomas, and now they have lots of little Irish babies together.

So it's very cute, pep perfect perfect, all right, Waverley go go.

Okay, Well, Lily, you have been on delight. It's such a pleasure to meet you in person. Okay, So you guys can see Downtown Owl. You can rent it and like Apple, you can rent it on Amazon. And then you can also catch Lily in upcoming the Great Lilian Hall, and you'll just see her all over the place and probably in theater again soon sure at some point.

Thank you so much for being thank you for having me. Okay, Okay, So upcoming shows that I have you guys, these are the places.

I'm coming in May Prior Lake, Minnesota, Verona, New York, Auckland, New Zealand, Wellington, New Zealand, Melbourne, Australia, Brisbane and Australia, Sydney, Australia.

We've added second shows to places that have sold out the first and.

Then I'm gonna be in Hawaii on Maui, Ka, Hulue and Honolulu. I will be there in July. Also in July, I'm coming to Niagara Falls on July twenty seventh. I'm coming to Hollywood, Florida for my only show in Florida on.

July twenty eighth.

I'll be in Auburn, Washington on August first, and then Santa Rosa, cal Fournia for my second show August second.

And then I'm coming to Atlantic City.

Mate o'laine and I are co headlining a really fun show in Atlantic City this summer.

August tenth August seventeenth is the Santa Barbara Bowl. You do not want to miss that. And then I will be all over Maine.

Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina.

I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to Saint Louis and Kansas City.

I'm coming to Brooklyn, New York at the Kings Theater on November eighth, and I have tickets on sale throughout the end of the year in December, so if you're in a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem, or San Diego or New Orleans or Omaha, check Chelsea Handler dot com for tickets.

Okay, if you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com.

M