Here to Meet Men with Monica Padman

I have a security thing in my phone with all my passwords. There are over a thousand passwords. Now I have a thousand passwords for different things, and I will never even find the password I'm looking for. If I go in there to look for Go Go and flight and then it doesn't allow you to stay online. It kicks you off the whole flight. It kicks you off, kicks you off, kicks you off and then But somehow I always see other people, other people can do it

just fine. They're they're not being kicked off. So like I know that I have a disconnect with technology, just like I have a new my my assistant Casey, well that's Carlo's assistant. Let's just be clear. My assistant has her own assistant. And he's like, the speaker system at the house doesn't work because nothing ever works at any of my homes music. There's just no chance of anything going smiftly with music. And by the time I get it working, I can't remember what I like to listen to.

So he's like, oh, we'll get and get Alexa. I was like, okay, great, let's get Alexa. It's about time I have Alexa that does even Alexa doesn't listen to me, she doesn't. I can put my speaker on one speaker, I can't put the rest of the speakers on, so I can only play music in one room. So I have to blast it and then stay away from that room where it's blasting because it's too loud in that room.

This is so complicated, it's so annoying. I definitely think I'm I have a hex, like a technology hex on me, and and I want to say to airline, you're already fucking losing, you know, you already guys suck you guys suck right now, not not slight attendants. I love my flight attendance, and I love pilots, especially when they're sober. But I don't flights are being canceled because there's not enough people working. Yeah, people don't want to work. I get it. I don't get that, actually, but I get

it that that's happening. Planes are so dirty and so gross, now grosser than they were before COVID. We didn't learn anything about cleaning planes. When they say we're cleaning, we're cleaning, cleaning before they work over the side of your arms to see what's in there. Every flight, I look and I'm like horrified. Because Carlave, my assistant, travels with wet wipes all the time. She's always cleaning. She's responsible. She

still wears the mask, you know, wherever she goes. I mean, I when I see her wearing a mask, I put my mask on. You know, I'm like, what am I doing? Why she's right? Why am I not wearing especially on a plane when the germs are where I could see the germs. But this WiFi thing is maddening. It is. And she just put WiFi on every plane so that everyone could get on for free, and like make it free so that we're We're all happy and content and like lost in the blue screen. Yeah, we're all online.

Everyone's online. Stop making a barrier of entry and stop making pass codes that are like w littwer case C upper case zero lower case you fuck you. Who do you think is coming in to break into your fucking WiFi? Who is that? Especially now thirty so annoying, Chelsea. I have to tell you about a woman I sat next to on the plane. Thank god, she was across the aisle from me and not next to me. But she

was an older woman. She chose that day to not wear a bra and were a very cleany shirt, which you know, to each their own, but I could tell she had like cookie grandma vibes from the minute she came on there I was sitting, I would not have doubted it. She proceeded to remove her shoes and not only placed them on the seat in front of her her feet, she placed them on the arm rest of the person in front of her. She placed them inside

the seat back pockets. I've done that. I mean when I was when I was in my twenties and I was hungover on a plane, But not today. This woman was not hungover. She was fully mainlining straight vodka on the rocks the entire flight and playing video poker out loud with the sound on. No no, no, no, no no. I fucking hate that. How it was. It was a lot when people have their phones on and I have air pods and I have to say something. Yeah. Thankfully she only did it for like ten minutes before she

passed out. But the real deal breaker for me was she kept reaching over to pet Mimsy, my dog was with me, and you know, at first it was fine, but it was not fine after she proceeded to massage her feet, her bare feet with her hands, and then like eat chips and suck on her fingers. After that, I was like, no, no, we're done petting the dog. But this woman, this this was the cardinal send to me. She chose to go to the airport bathroom two times

with no shoes on on the airplane. On the airplane where you know, men are like jiggling around and they can't aim very well and there's p all over the floor. I just was like, oh, I couldn't handle it. No, that sounds so disgusting. The whole thing is so gross and uncouth like honestly, and and this is coming from me, someone who doesn't have any dignity at all. I mean, honestly,

that is so gross. We were on a flight earlier to New York and this woman brought a cat on board, and then she took the cat out, and after everyone who walked by her, she'd be like, are you allergic? Are you allergic? And everyone's like yeah, yeah, like five people out of the seven. She asked that we're sitting around our area. I was behind her, or were allergic? Everyone? And I got so finally I said to her, I'm sorry, why do you keep asking people if they're allergic if

you're not putting the cat away? And she just looked at me and she goes, I think some people are just allergic to life, I go, and some people are allergic to cats. I'm not because I I don't. I just don't like cats. I prefer not to be hanging out with cats. But but I mean, I'm not gonna have an allergic reaction to a cat. But I was like, stop asking people, like you're basically using the cat as

a conversation starter. And then ender you know, if you don't want to get into the details, don't get into the details anyway, Airlines, I really hope you guys step your fucking shit up, because this is gross already. What's happening? I mean, we really need someone's calling you. I don't know if it's someone important, scam likely scam scam. Yeah, I know. It happens all day long. This is sort

of a secret life hack. I get a lot of sort of scammy calls from where I'm from because my zip code, not my zip code, my area code, is still from my hometown many states away. So I know if I'm getting a call from like Moleen, Illinois, not to pick it up. Yeah, it's pretty great wherever you live in the country. If you're getting a call from mole In, Illinois, don't pick it up. Do not pick it up. All right, Well, let's get to our guest

for today. We have a great guest today. She is a producer and the co host of Armchair Expert, and she has a new upcoming fertility related podcast that we can't show the name of yet, but her name is Monica Padmint and we're happy to have you. Hi, Monica, Hi, oh, I'm so happy to have you here. I am so flattered to be here. I can't believe I got the email. What do you mean you can't believe it? Especially without Dax. I'm sick of seeing you with Dax. I mean, listen,

you guys have created a quite an extraordinary podcast. Congratulations on that, because I know you guys just signed a huge deal. Shout out. Sorry, I heart right, yeah, fuck you, I heart fuck you. But that's well deserved. Thank me. Years and years of really hard work and amazing interviews across the board, whether it be a like celebrity a neurophysicist as you meant, a celebrity neurophysicist gynecologist is how

I like to classify myself. And then you have another podcast that's coming out, Yeah, I mean, we have a a Jillian podcast. To be fair, We we just keep doing more and more and more. But I do have one coming out that's me and Liz Plank. You know Liz Playing. She has a master's in gender. She's on CNN all the time talking about she's the best seller on like copy that how men are Wonderful and bad.

She's perfect. And we're doing a podcast. We're gonna freeze our eggs at the same time, and we're going to follow that process We're going to check in every day and like see how we are, while also talking to different people with different fertility stories. Everyone has one. Yeah, I know. My friend just posted something and I was reading and I'm like, I don't even understand what the hell she was talking about, because I'm so not well versed in fertility. No one is. No one's taught anything

because women related. It's a female issue, So why would anybody have to educate themselves on the matter. Exactly? Did you see that disgusting documentary our Father speaking of infertility? I'm so scared. Yeah, it's pretty creepy, you guys. It's the story of a doctor who inseminated his own semen into all of his patients. Not all, but he has like a hundred children out there and they all found each other on twenty three and me, I'm like, wait

a second. I'm like, first of all, I didn't know you could find siblings on tree and right, I think there's an option where you put yourself on there is to say like I'm looking, or you keep it quiet. Oh, you know, it's hilarious. Started to diverge us, but malt We had Malcolm Gladwell on recently and he did that, and a sibling came up and he was like, oh my, oh my god, I have a twin. It was a twin. I was like, I have a twin that my mom didn't tell me about. What do I do? And do it?

Do I confront her about? I can't confront her. My mom's a twin. Why would she do this? And turns out it was him again. It was again. It was just like a weird fluke in the system and it was just him. That's so stupid. What a ways some time and right I was laughing so hard. Oh my god. We actually had someone right into us who was like, I'm a product of one of these creepy doctors. So gross, so gross. Yeah, and she and her mom are advocates

now for like I gotta get these people on the pod. Yeah, yeah,

I got to look into it. Actually, that's a great documentary for you to watch for you, Yeah, because there's one girl who spearheads the whole thing, and she's the one who contacts each sibling that pops up because a lot of these people, you know, were married to their husbands but couldn't get pregnant, so they thought they were being inseminated by their husband's were only to find out twenty years later that their child is someone else's child.

Imagine the disruption. I mean, that's just like I mean, and the guy's not in jail, he's not he's from some Republican state because it's not technically illegal. There's some weird loophole. Yeah, there's a loophole where a doctor could go jerk off in a room and then come back and put it in someone's vagina. So that's nice loophole. Guys. Monica, I want to talk about the story of you meeting Dax and Christian because I didn't know that you were

their babysitter. I was, that's so funny. I know, so your babies have for Dax first babysat for them. Well I did, I was, you know, I came out here to act. So I did an episode of House Civilize on which I played Kristen's assistant. Life art very simple, and she had just had her first kid, and I was like, well, I also, baby said, that's really how I make money, So if you ever need one, let me know, and then she called a couple of weeks later.

Some then I was like, sporadically, Date Night babysitting for them while they went to the foot spall and then they had their second and they needed a little bit more help. So they were like, do you want to come on more full time? And at first I was like no, because I am an actor and I need I need time for my auditions in Santa Monica, so you need time to prepare. So they were like, will make that work, like you can go on auditions. It's fine, Well we'll figure it out. And I was like, okay,

why not. But I really was like, I don't don't want to babysit again. I had already babies, had that I worked as a soule cycle, as a big as a big departure from babysitting. I was like, but I love these guys. They're so fun and great. And then it just like slowly started happening. Once Delta, their second, went to preschool, christ and was like, well, we still want to keep you around, but we don't need you as much babysitting wise, do you want to do more

assistant work? And I was like sure, So then I did that and then I started like writing stuff for her, and then we kind of partnered up, and then Dax was like the thing. I went to a podcast and I was like, oh help, I'll figure it out. Oh wow, it just like it is. And I mean, I have to give them so much credit because I don't most people would just be like, stay in your stay in your lane, please. And that's actually what Kristen said when she was on this Really, that's exactly a quote that

Kristen was talking about. When she becomes in videous of other actresses getting parts or having different kinds of careers than she has, that Dax would say stay in your lane, stay in your lane, which I think is kind of like. I don't like that phrase day in your lane because I don't want to. As soon as someone tells me to stay in my lane, there is no I'm dumping in all the lane is gone. But I think he meant more, don't try to be who you're not, right,

But he's problematic phrasing. Yeah, well that's his whole problem. That's why he needs you as a co host. I thought I thought you actually maybe four das, not the two kids that now that Yeah, And I think that since Delta is named now after a variant, that she should take das. Should you have to take Delta's name and Delta should take taxes. But I do love their whole friend group, all of you guys, like you guys

have a nice, tight knit group. I feel like I kind of know you guys just by watching you guys on Instagram, and you talk a lot about not having had a boyfriend. Tell me about that. It is. So we did Kimmel and he was like, so you've never had to see his boyfriend and I I was like, like, I was so. I could not believe he was saying that out loud on the show. And then he was like, well, you did a show on it and I was like, oh, yeah, I forgot. I told everyone already that it's like you forget.

Forget everyone knows, but yeah, I mean, no, I haven't. I have so many issues around dating. And also before that, I really was like I can't get one when I was in middle school and high school when I started liking boys, and I'm sure it was picking specifically, but I couldn't get one. And then it taught me like it really implanted a narrative about myself that like you won't, you can't, like you don't deserve it, or you're not worthy,

you know all those things. Then I morphed more into I would pick people who definitely were unattainable, and then if they started to become more attainable, if they were like, oh, Monica, then I'd be like, no, something's wrong with you now because you like me. If you like me, there's a problem.

You're no hunger appealing to me. It's right exactly. So you know, it's been that whole thing, and I'm in therapy and I'm working on it, and our show helped, like Monica and Jess, that show helped, but that was like right before the pandemic and then and then I stopped doing anything. Yeah, I mean that sounds like it's a definite inside job, but I can relate to starting

to believe a narrative about yourself for so long. I also felt like, even though I've had loves and boyfriends and stuff like I I there have been times where I'm like, oh, I'm not marriage material, Like I'm not going to be that person. I'm not somebody that anyone would even propose to. I'm not going to have that or I'm not going to have anything traditional in that sense. I'm not going to have a life partner I've had

all those thoughts. But yeah, so you've never had a boyfriend. Wow, I know it's really weird to say even still, yeah, and how old are you? I'm about to be thirty five? Okay, Well good, I hope that this is we're coming upon a big transition in your life. Well, if anyone wants to spray my eggs, I will have some eggs available. I don't know, you know, I don't know. That's sort

of the whole thing. But I'm just freezing them to see, like, you know, some insurance for the future, I guess, but also like because I don't even I don't know if I want kids, I'm not sure, but I want the option, you know. And it's already been interesting because I had a call with my doctor yesterday and so I've been on birth control for like ironically, I've been on birth control for since I was eighteen or something. I's got on it for my skin and then I've just been

on it. And she was like, well, it's gonna affect your count, probably you should get off of it for a few months before and I was like, no, it's like I'm not doing that. I'm not changing my daily operations. For this thing that I don't even know if I want that, And so I like got really in my head about it and I didn't get off birth control. And then she called me. She was like, Okay, so like everything looks good. We like your account does look

a little smaller than it would normally be. And I was like, fuck that birth control, Like I should have done it. You know, it's like it's already and I don't even know. I don't even know if I'm going to use them. Yeah, a lot of conversations going on in your head. Yes, that feel like I shouldn't be thinking about this. I don't even have a partner, I don't have like why, but women are forced to think about it. Where did you grow up, Georgia? M what city? Duluth?

Like half hour outside of Land. Okay, so was it conservative? Is that more liberal? To Luth? Now it is more liberal. It's like one of the counties that's blue. I was gonna say, well, you can't get more conservative, but I'm sorry you can't forgotten you can get more conservative. Oh yes, unfortunately, Yes, there were like two blue counties. My family lives in one of them. And it is I mean, it's it was suburbs. It wasn't like down South or anything like that.

But yes, there's a conservative undertone obviously to that whole state, so it wasn't too bad. I mean, I think once I left is when I really could see the differences. I know. I think that's the whole point of leaving, is to actually expand your brain and have your thinking challenged exactly. I mean, just to have your like understanding of the fact that where you live and grow up.

Like when I meet people or I know, people from high school that still live in this hound that I grew up in, I'm like, what kind of life experience have you had? What are you doing? You live next door to your fucking mother? I know, I know, yeah

I try. You know. That's my instinct too, is to be like, yikes, Like with my friends who still live at home and a lot of them are married there, We're all still very close, and a lot of them are married to their high school sweethearts, and yeah, they live near their family, and and I'm like, oh my god, if I had done that, it would have been so different. But then I see them and I'm like, it's working for them, it wouldn't work for me. I don't think, which is why I left. But for them, I don't.

I don't know, like their lives will seem happy. And I'm trying not. I'm just trying not to make mass judgments, which I want to do all the time, and I'm trying hard not to. And what are you doing to actively start dating? Are you on any of these websites? I'm going on this podcast so that somebody will reach it. You have a man. Straight guys listen to this podcast, that's for sure. Yeah, we have one straight guy that works on the podcast, and that's Catherine's husband. Okay, unavailable.

We did have a straight man that came on the podcast, right, he called it. He was black, of course, because there would be no straight white male that it would listen to this podcast and then stop listening and just sucking blow his brains out and be like, oh my god, why am I such an asshole? But yeah, you have to be actively dating because you're a catch, thank you. Yeah, and you deserve to be loved and to love I know,

I mean, I know I know that intellectually. Yeah, it's a matter of knowing it emotionally, you know, like do you have this like you must because you're so smart and successful that like where your your brain is not matching your feelings. No, but yeah, there's dissonance for sure at times with my brain and my but I mean it's an an intellectual knowing. I feel like emotional knowing is like gut it all, and an intellectual knowing is

more powerful than your gut in something you know. And so I feel like when you know something in your head, you can infuse that into your gut and it's like a self conversation and you have to keep implementing that thought inside your brain so that it becomes part of who you are, your body, so that you know, I mean if as long as you're here, you deserve that interaction to be able to be lit up by somebody,

and to light somebody up is a huge gift. And look what you're doing, and like how many people love what you do and listen to what you say. You know, like imagine if you could have like a direct impact, that's just gonna be so special when you do find somebody, I think. So, I mean, look, I also I I know that that's like what we're supposed to do on Earth. It's like love people and be loved like I know

that's the real crux of it and the joy. So I do feel like as much as I get so much fulfillment from all these things, I'm like, I'm missing a thing like I do know it. Yeah, that's how I feel about children, Like I'm gonna miss that love. I'll never know that love. Did you make an active decision to not? I just have never had any desire to do that? None, zero less than zero. You're coming on our podcast, Well, you're actually you have I have

less than zero interest. It sounds like you have zero plus one interest because your commitment to your fertilization of eggs were what even giving up birth control, you might as well fertilize my eggs. I can see what kind of it and see what kind of fritata comes after that. Um okay, So Monica, we're gonna give it real life advice to people. They call in and they zoom in

Catherine to give us the low down of what we can. Well, first we have to take a break, right, we take a bubble back at the beginning of the episode, behind that curtain, So just get undressed. We'll keep the cameras on because this is pro This is post me too, and we want every positivity. Absolutely. Okay, we're gonna take a break and we'll be right back, and we're back. We're back with Monica Padmin and Catherine Hi Hi, Hi. Well.

We have a lot in store for us today. And I love it when it works out that what you guys have talked about is all the same things that we're going to talk about. We've got people who aren't moving away from home, We've got love connections. Let's get right into it. We actually, in a break from tradition, have a coller first. We usually have an emaila have you ever had a caller yet? Never? I've never had a phone call. Wow, it's exciting. Welcome, Welcome to the

wild world of Zoom. This question comes from Nicole. She says, Dear Chelsea, subject line is my boyfriend is a helicopter dog dad. I've been dating my boyfriend a little over a year and I know he's the one We rarely have conflicts unless it involves our dogs. He is an overly cautious helicopter dog dad and I am the opposite. He has a thirty pound spaniel that's softer than baby food. The dog is riddled with anxiety over any loud noise, has terrible vision, causing him to run into things, and

gets diarrhea from anything that's not his own food. These characteristics have only increased my boyfriend's own unmedicated anxiety and cause him to watch the dogs every move, including carrying him down porch steps and fear he'll fall down them, and following him around the yard, not allowing him to nibble on anything. I, on the other hand, have an extremely playful, sixty pound husky mix. My boyfriend loves my dog very much, but having the two dogs together causes

him a lot of stress. He breaks up play fights almost immediately, gets frustrated when they steal each other's toys, and is unable to focus on much else because he's constantly watching them. I try to respect this because I agree it's annoying, but sometimes I just want to shout let them be dogs. We only sleep over at each other's places once a weekend because of their energy. We have our own places, but he recently bought a house

with the intention that I will eventually move in. I'm more than ready to take that step, and he is too. If it weren't for the animal chaos, I've offered to hire a trainer. I regularly suggested that we had just immersed them in more time together in order to get them more acclimated. He's receptive to this, But then his dog woke up a few weeks ago unable to walk, and he began walking later that day, acting completely normal. My dog hasn't been allowed around him in over two weeks,

meaning we also haven't had any overnights. He also canceled our cooking class that was part of my birthday present, as well as a golf trip he was supposed to take too long. I mean, this is the cutdown Bard. I'm concerned that his overly cautious parenting is going to cause issues when we raise our own children one day, and I'm beginning to resent the situation for holding back

our relationship. So my question for you is, how do I express my concern that he's too overbearing and it's only causing his dog and me to become more anxious as a result. And how do I get us to the place of being ready to live together without allowing the dogs to dictate that Timeline Nicole, Hi, Nicole, this is Monica. She's our special guest today and you've met Catherine.

Hello Monica, God, your boyfriend sounds so sorry to use this word, but annoying, you know, I mean, God, it's like a fucking this is like serious, like his dog has overtaken the entire situation. He really has yes to say with love. It is annoying. Yes, this has been our one point of contention. As I was telling Katherine, I mean, everything else in our relationship is just so easy and natural and everything that I've looked for on

the boxes to check off. Um, so this is just the one that I'm trying to find my own acceptance of his parenting style. But yeah, just it holding us back. Okay, So has there been any conversation about going to an actual dog therapist for both him and the dog dog therapist? No, we do have a trainer that will start this coming weekend in home sessions with both dogs. So yes, I'm very much looking forward to that. At this stage, he

is unapologetic of how he is. I think there's childhood trauma that I pair with it if I try to really dig deep in why he is so overly cautious. But there's a deeper thing happening, I think, and look, I'm not, And you're gonna be mad at me for saying this. Maybe already know, but I'm not a dog person, so you know, take this with a grain of salt a little bit, I guess. But it does seem like he's putting that dog above you, the human, and that's the crux for me of the issue. Yes, and I've

brought that up. He doesn't see it that way, So that's why I'm seeking help of how to just bridge that conversation. Yeah, I think that first of all, you have a legitimate reason to be discussing this with him. Any avoidance of going to therapy is kind of an excusable at this point in the world and in society,

it's not cool to not be open to that. And if you're talking about having children with him and he's using this behavior with his dog, you have every right to be concerned about it, Like, yeah, how are you going to have a future with this guy if he can't handle what has dog walking around the yard? I mean, I understand it's a special situation with the dog, but like he's got to learn how some coping mechanisms and yeah, childhood trauma is going to bite you in the ass.

It doesn't go away. It hurts you. It will come and get you for all of us, yes, all for all of us, even her unfertilized eggs. It's gonna get. They're gonna get the trauma, and they're gonna probably m Yeah,

you've got to really impress that upon him. I mean there's also a way, Like when I say dog therapist, I mean like for the owner, the trainer is a great start, and hopefully that will work, but if it doesn't exhaust other possibilities, try and get a dog therapist that can actually help a dog owner communicate with their dog, helped a dog because his anxiety is only leading to more dog anxiety. The two are feeding off of each

other so clearly. And you can raise the concern obviously, like you've already said with love about moving forward in your life, like this is actually becoming a concern for you and you want to figure out what to do about it. You have to kind of introduce that in a way like that is a non negotiable for moving forward, because the situation sounds like it's become untenable. It has, Yes, I mean I've they've never been left alone together, and we've been together for over a year. The dogs have

never been left alone in the house together. My parents have only met his dog a handful of times and word together all of the time, so that it puts a very r on our social outings because we just have to get back to separate homes with the dogs. At the same time, he could very well be moving for work as soon as six months, and we've already had that discussion that I would be going with. So hey, are we going to go from zero to one hundred overnight? Like we need to start building this and I just

at action yet. Okay, Well, that's actually great first action for you to take. I mean, you're on the right track. You sound pretty sensible pretty much. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you should have that conversation with him, for sure. But I mean I think there are more How old is his dog? Will he die soon? Can you put him down when he's at work one day? That's terrible? Oh my god, oh my god? And how old your dog? To okay, because yeah, we're in it. Okay, Well, I mean, listen,

the trainer is gonna come. If that doesn't work out, then that leads you to the next conversation. You've exhausted that possibility. If it doesn't work out, hopefully it will and you can talk about a dog therapist or a real therapist, and what about a couple's therapists for the two of you. It's always helpful to have like a third party there who can say to his face, hey, this is a little bit unreasonable. And also there's no

such thing as this is just who I am. Like, people evolve and if you guys are a couple, you're gonna have your own thing that you're going to have to figure out. And if you have kids, oh my god, like everyone is forced to evolve. He needs to get on board, right, That's why I said, like, our kids have to be able to fall down and get a scrape and you know, build a resiliency and find risk in that. Like, how have your conversation has gone thus

far when this subject comes up? How deep have you gotten? Not incredibly deep. I turned into a bit of a passive person when it comes into any conflict, and then I start to cry and then things get awkward, and so things come up regularly but not in depth. No, Okay, well you need to work on that. You have to, Yeah, and you can. It's not fair to cry whenever anything gets when the conflict comes up, because that puts into the other person in a really not fair position, you

know what I mean. So you have to do that work for yourself as well and focus on that and just difficult conversations help unify people, not take them apart. And that's something to remember, Like when you have a challenging conversation, it's always an opportunity for growth. You don't have to get scared and look away or avoid and be passive and all of that stuff. It's a good skill to practice and learn and it's going to come in handy with all of these issues. So please start

with this conversation. You know, it is a big concern. You called into us, You're obviously concerned, and the next step is to sit down with him and be like, we need to really address this. This is our first point. And now if if the dog trainer works, great after that, this is the next step. This is the plan of attack. And we also have to work on communicating better because I feel like this dog is ruling my life and that's just silly, and no matter what's going on with

that dog, it shouldn't be ruling your life. Exactly, yes, thank you for that conformation. Yeah, absolutely, yeah, let us know what happens, Nicole. Yeah, yeah, I will. I will thank you so much by all right, bye, thank you. How funny that we have the one guest that doesn't like dogs on our first dog question. It's not our first dog question, but it's it's we don't often get dog questions. Move get rid of that dog, no, no, no, no, I know. I kind of also was like, this dog

sounds sickly, maybe it will die soon. But I mean, and that's part of why I wanted to have Monica for that question, because like you're not overwhelmed by like, oh my god, I totally get it. I love that dog so much. But no, for me, it's like that's just indicative of a much deeper issue of he's projecting all his anxiety onto this dog. It's gonna go somewhere.

Even if the dog gets trained, he's gonna Yeah, and that hyper vigilance, you know, it's early days kind of because they've been together for a year, but like that hyper vigilance will permeate everything. Like that's something I've been working on a ton in therapy, not constantly being worried about what's the next terrible thing that can happen? And hopefully this dog trainer will help with some of that,

just being like, hey, this is normal dog stuff. But also they'll probably have to take a next step and see an actual therapist. Yeah. I just hate people's resistance to therapy. It's just it fucking drives me up. Yes, it's still how I don't because people are scared to tap into what is dark and no ominous underneath them, Like they don't want to revisit that. They want to think that nothing in life has anything to do with that. Oh my god. I mean, just look at what happened

to you, Chelsea. You're open and vulnerable and feeling things. Yeah, and I used to be shut off and closed down and angry, and I'm not anymore because I know how to deal with my emotions now. Some people want to stay angry. Yeah, Well, if they don't want to stay angry, they just don't want to feel so so to that dark place and have to unearth it because it's not a pleasant experience, but it's a valuable experience and it

will make you a much more well rounded person. I almost emailed you a few months ago because I was looking for a new therapist, and when you were on our show, you were like raving about yours and I was like, oh, I should ask Chelsea. But then I found I found my found an incredible therapist and I'm very happy with But oh, good, well that's great. I mean I had already been in therapy, but I was like,

this isn't enough. I need more. I need different. I went to my therapist yesterday and after we were done, he's like, Okay, I'm leaving in ten days and I was like, I am to I won't be back until September. And he was like, okay, well dude, let me know if you want to connect before you leave. I'm like, we just fucking saw each other. Like this is it. This is goodbye for two months. This is incremental. Like now I only use it for incremental stuff. You know,

I'm going through a breakup. I need my therapist. I want to handle these emotions right. I don't want to fucking fast track anything. I want to do it the right way. And now I'm done with you, so please, I'm not saying you again. Also, my therapist, this is so great. I go to his house. We sit in his backyard. And there's a construction site inside his backyard, and I was like, wait, are you serious with a chainsaw going the entire time and I'm like, Dan, are

you inviting like please, people of customers? Are you betty patients over? That's what I call my fans customers when they're at the show, the live show. I'm like, hello, customers. I'm like, Dad, are you can't have therapy sessions when there's a fucking drill happening in your backyard? I want to go to a construction site. I'll go to my own house and reflected in the Reflection pond while our next question, and this is kind of a touchy topic,

but this comes from Julia. She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a college student. A couple of months ago, I got really drunk and sat on a guy and kissed him. I vaguely also remember asking him if he wanted to have sex, to which he said no. Obviously, this guy has since said everything is cool, he doesn't care about what happened. However, my actions still haunt me, and this has become quite literally all I think about. I don't

know why or how that happened. I'm assuming somehow in my drunken state, I thought that I was flirting, and since that point I've never ever gotten that drunk. I completely understand what I did was wrong, and I wanted to reach out for advice. I wanted to come to you, specifically, Chelsea, because I know you've been caught up in a similar situation to which you inapropriately touched someone and meant no harm,

but nonetheless it still happened. How do I deal with the shame of knowing this will always be part of my record? Hi? Julia, Hi, this is Monica, and that's Catherine, my Monica. Hi. Okay, first of all, you need to give yourself a break. All you did was, I mean, you kissed somebody and you were at a party and you were drunk. That is not anything to take to your grave to be shameful about. You made a mistake, That's okay, That's what human beings do. They make mistakes.

And what was your interaction with him after the incident? I mean after it it kind of just was awkward. I guess, like I did apologize to him, which is one thing that I'm really happy that I did, But other than that, for some reason, it just really like sticks with me. I feel like a lot of people have told me like, it's okay, you can let it go, but it's just it's for some reason, it has really stuck with me. Okay, you have got to give yourself a break. You are going to make mistakes in life.

You did not hurt anybody, You did not murder somebody. You were inappropriate, that is not an offense that is unforgivable, and you apologized and took accountability. That's it. That's the end of that story. So you have to get past that because you're beating yourself up here, and then this will become a pattern in your life. So you need to disrupt this pattern immediately and know that you just had a good time. You're at a party and it's not like you did something that bad. You know, it

was just unwelcome and of course it was awkward. That what being in what are you in your twenties? Is about awkward buck ups? I mean, come on, did you grow up in a household that made you feel really bad about everything you did? I think so. I feel like I come almost also a very religious backgrounds, like yeah, that's the problem. You can't have so much shame, that's been ingrained and it's not fair and it's not about you.

It's just in your body now, So it's on you to like shed that because I don't can we even call it a mistake. I'm I'm having trouble even accepting this as a mistake. I mean, I don't think it's that big of a deal. It's like that would be hard for me to take seriously as it's like that's something I would make a joke about, you know, like

it was a silly thing. But yeah, your shame is coming from your family dynamic and from your religious background, and you have to get to a place where you understand that human beings make mistakes and all you can do is be accountable for that mistake, and then afterwards that mistake is over, there's nothing else for you to do. Yeah, and I think right now, there is so much conversation around consent, and of course that's something that's so important,

but there is also hooking up at parties. It's a thing that happens all of the time. And of course you have to take what he said, which is, hey, we're cool, it's fine, don't worry about it. You have to take that at face value. You know, and I think there's some forgiveness of yourself that needs to happen. Yeah. I think for a very long time I was kind of trying to put words in his mouth like you should feel really bad about this, like you should be

mad at me. But I really agree with that. I feel like I need to take it at face value and just say, like, this is what you told me, that it's okay, and I need to be okay with that. You also asked him, you asked him if if you wanted to have sex, and he said no, And then that's that, Like, that's I've had girlfriends who have done way more embarrassing things than that. Okay. My girlfriend once had sex with a guy and as soon as they

got undressed, he said, I love you. Can you imagine she felt the next day when he told every fucking body that she told him she loved him because she was wasted and naked and said I love you. And he was like, oh my god, I can't even funck you now, because what are you talking about? That? That's shame. Okay, that's embarrassing. So whenever you're dealing with something, think about

the more extreme versions of that. You know, you could have sat on his lap, pulled your pants down, or pulled your boobs out and really made an asset of yourself. You didn't do that. You didn't do that. You're sweet and you need to forgive yourself and watch an episode of Girls Gone Wild to make yourself exactly. And I think a good thing to remember is you don't want to go through life having no regrets, Like what would

you learn? What would you take away if you look back and you're like, I did everything absolutely perfectly, exactly the way I wanted to do it, Like, first of all, just not possible. And secondly, like that's how you grow and learn. You need those moments that I also agree with the two because I think I also from the same background, Like I feel like this is the first thing that I messed up on, and I think it's like a learning experience, and I feel like I'm going

to start looking at it that way. Yes, yes, because there's gonna be other things that you mess up on, and you have to practice forgiveness for yourself. There is it's a such wasted time to beat yourself up and barrate yourself. You know, you have to let it go. Just let it go. There's a book called Letting Go, but that's a big read. But yeah, use this as your first example and make this first time the last time that you go through this with yourself and your

self kind of immolation of it. Yeah, and if you do find that you can't get this out of your head, that's when it's time to talk to somebody. You know. Why does this keep being on spencycle in my mind? Well, thank you so much for calling in. Give yourself a break. Yeah, I give yourself a break, Julia. Go out and have another experience with a guy. As soon as you have your next experience, that one's going to be forgett if you know you're gonna forget about that anyway, that was

like so virginal, you know. When I talked to her a couple like it was like maybe a month and a half ago. When I first talked to her, she was like fragile, you know, she was just absolutely destroyed. And I was like, you need to come on here, and oh, yeah, you kissed the boy at a party. And when he said no, you stopped. You know one thing I wish we had said, I I didn't say,

can we call her back? She said in her in her letter, he said, no, obviously, and the fact that she wrote obviously means she just doesn't have any and I can relate like self worth, he said, obviously, he didn't want to have sex with me. It was crazy. It was crazy that I even did that because I missed that part ship. Maybe she'll listen now, Oh yeah, she's still listening because she will be on the podcast.

So yeah, no, obviously, there you go. That's your issue right there, is that you don't believe that you're worthy of somebody being interested in you. That's why you feel shamed because you were rejected. And by the way, rejection is what makes us all badass and straw bring it on, is what I say about rejection. Not too much between ten and fifteen. Once a year, Well, our next call comes from Marcus. He is one that I was talking about that maybe hasn't gotten away from home quickly enough.

He says. I'm a twenty five year old gay mail that was brought up in a very strict orthodox Christian household. Although I was able to move out for college, it was always under the presumption that i'd moved back, which I did. Since then I completed my master's degree, online and have been working in my career since it's taboo and my family to move out, either before marriage or before buying a house. I have two older siblings and

thirty one who both live at home as well. Although I work from home, I leave during the day and drive around or work from my office just to get away. I have expressed the desire to move out to my older siblings and family, and I'm met with shame, discontent, and the conversation is shut down altogether. My sister tells me to wait until she's married, but I'm tired of living life this way. I desperately want to go and a room opened up where my friend is living just

fifteen minutes away. I don't want to lose this opportunity, but I know it will enrage my parents to go, break their hearts and ultimately lead to a lot of chaos for everyone. I'm not religious at all, and I had to suffer a lot from being brought up with such dogmatic people, especially since I'm gay, which I've not had this conversation with them yet. I just want to live my life, So what do I do? Sincerely, Marcus Marcus, Hey, thanks for having me O. Hi. This is Monica and Catherine.

Nice to meet you, guys. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm always so amazed by people who are so respectful and nice to their parents. I'm just by I know, I know, I agree. So what religion are you dealing with? Coptic Orthodox Christian Ship. I don't know enough about that. We don't know those words. Okay, So they want you to stay at home for when until when? It's sort of like indefinite. I would say it's just the norm to stay until you're either married or you have a

house to yourself. But I don't think anyone's gonna marry me while I live at home, and I don't see myself like buying a house anytime soon. So I'm just floating around. And do you have a plan in place about having this kind of conversation with your parents because you definitely should move out. You need to have your own identity. Yeah. So I've already kind of like broached it with my mom and she hung up on me, and we haven't really spoken about it, since that's kind

of the norm. I would say, like in my household, we don't really talk about things. So I don't know. I just feel like it's sort of like, don't even bring that conversation. It's not even a discussion, you know what I mean. And I know, Marcus, you mentioned that you feel like you have to be kind of a buffer for of the family drama as well, so that's part of what's keeping you back. Yeah, it's sort of like I feel guilty abandoning them because there is so

much like discordance in the house. I just feel like no one really has like tools to navigate that except for me, because like I'm the only one that's like in therapy and stuff. So I just feel kind of like bad leaving. But at the same time, it's like

I feel like I should leave. Well, I think you should leave too, And I think that therapy you can use that as a reason why you're leaving, Like you understand that the dysfunction in that household is unhealthy for you and that you have to remove yourself from that situation for your mental health, you know what I mean. And you are gay. You have to be true to who that is and true to yourself, and you have to go and live a life for yourself, not for

your parents. You cannot live a life for your family or for your parents, and the sooner that you get out of there, the sooner that that's going to break open. And yeah, it might cause a lot of chaos and a lot of disruption, but you know what, it's one step in the right direction. It because there is going to be a time and a place where your parents are going to have to accept that new reality and it's not gonna happen while you're still living in their house. Yeah,

you're right. I feel like I'm just kind of putting a band aid on like a larger issue. Well, you're prolonging in your future, like your destiny is waiting for you, and you're putting it on hold. Because if you don't want to upset your parents, and if you're gonna live your life for your parents, then then that's pointless and it's a sinking ship that you have to get off of. If there's all kinds of turmoil and stuff, they're like, remove yours. I'll put your face mask on first and

leave and then maybe it will help. Maybe it will some of the other people in your family will be like, wow, he did this, and maybe I could do something for myself to like, you don't know, the good it could cause also, Yeah, you're right, and you could go from being a buffer to being a safe harbor if you're not in the middle of everything, if you become the sibling with a safe space that's outside of the house. Yeah, and I know it takes a lot of guts and courage.

Like I know it's scary to make these kinds of moves, but life moves. I think in terms of the universe and energy and karma. When you really like stand up for yourself. You don't even know what's out there for you yet, you know what I mean, what what rewards are out there for you, What relationships are out there for you? What what the domino effect will have on

your brothers and that your other family members. It could take a long time, but you could have a really positive impact on the entire family and their understanding of a broader world and not this kind of dogmatic, small thinking,

narrow mindedness that you've grown up with. You know, any Orthodox religion is obviously very very particular, and you're not just thinking about yourself, You're thinking about your family, and then you're thinking about the whole world, right, and you're gonna be doing the world a service by being brave enough to face this situation and leave at whatever cost. If your parents don't want to speak to you for

a year, then that fucking sucks. But at least you're being true to who you are and that is way more valuable than anything else. Yeah, this is an and on thing. But like you can't fix other people. We all think we can be the one to fix everyone around us, and we cannot, and it can become totally all consuming. And so it is not your job to stay and make sure that the dynamic is positive, Like you can't. Yeah, I mean, and it's not like I'm

really making it positive anyways. I'm sort of just like, well, if I'm here, then it can't be terrible. But it's not like I'm really helping anything in the first place. No, you're not. You need courage. You have to get that courage. It's inside of you. Take it and harness it and do make a move because what you're doing isn't courageous right now. You're just being a part of somebody's story. You have to create your own story. Yeah, because I have um an opportunity to move out with a friend

that I have to respond to by this week. You're going, yeah, you're going, Yes, you're going. You need to tell them the email today or call him or her today that yeah, you're gonna it'll be this move. You've got to make this move, Marcus. Yeah, right now. I was literally right before this, I was like, should I just start packing? Yes, yes you should, and you should say it's for your mental health that your parents just explain to them that you're in therapy. This is what's going to happen. I'm

sorry if this is hurting you. I'm sorry if this is a disruption. But for me to be healthy, I have to move out. Okay. And if they hang up, they hang up, that's not your job to call back. It's not like let that be yes, right and tell them you're a therapist, dr handler to talk to him. I'm sure they're huge fans. All right, thanks Marcus. Let us know how it goes. Okay, thank you, thank you so much for having me. Thank you, honey. Oh cute,

so cute? Oh my god? What the frothodics? Topic pregnancy? Religion? What is that? Optic? I optic even Orthodox Christianity Toptic Orthodox second, I'm like, coptic, Coptic Orthodox Christianity. Fuck can you imagine living with your family and being like in that much of a buzzkill situation. I mean, that's the definition of a buzz kill. Is an e topic Christian Orthodox family. It's illegal in Texas. Well. We have one more question. This is just an email, but this comes

from Jenna. This is Jenna Bush. It's always Jenna Always. You can't wait to advise her. I'm writing to you today to ask for your advice about how to navigate friendships throughout your thirties. I wish more people spoke about this specific time of life, as I'm finding it to be quite challenging. I'm thirty three years old, married and we do not have kids. I'm in graduate studies and I'm just getting started in my new career. We have a cat and a dog that are like our babies,

and a nephew that we absolutely adore. I've always had a big, tight knit group of friends, and we've shared so many amazing memories over the years, like camping weekends together, fitness states, parties, all that fun stuff. Over the past few years, a lot of my friends have had major life changes. Many are having kids now, and some of our closest friends have moved across or out of the country to chase their dreams. Everything feels like it's changed now.

Everyone has different priorities and many are not available to hang out the way we used to. It really bums me out. The friends who have kids I'm so happy for, but I have to admit that whenever I find out another friend is having a baby, a little part of me is sad because I know the friendship will be different now. I'm aware that this sounds so selfish, but I can't help but feel inadequate, and conversations about kids

feel like my friends don't think I'm relatable anymore. As I get older, I feel increasingly uncomfortable in these group settings, as everyone just talks about their kids. My husband and I maybe want kids later on. However, we're both in care professions that are really emotionally heavy and are living with an enormous amount of student debts, so we definitely don't feel like we have the capacity to start family right now. I can't help but feel so behind everyone else.

At the same time, I'm happy and so grateful for what we do have great health, great career prospects, and a really lovely relationship full of adventure. And love. How can I get through all of these conversations about kids this next decade without feeling like an inadequate, unrelatable asshole.

All the best, Jenna, I know this, Yeah, you know, I think the most important Like when she says like I'm unrelatable, just just give your two cents, Like when people are talking about their kids, I'm sure she has an opinion on it. I'm sure just because she doesn't have kids doesn't mean she doesn't know kids or is around them or have her own opinions, Like you can still share them whether or not you're in that club. And I also think you can be the one to

initiate conversations that are not about that. I mean, I feel really lucky in my friend group because everyone's married, everyone has kids except me, But it doesn't feel like that's the main focus. Like the kids are around, but we talk about other stuff. But you can be the one to be like how about those Dodgers? Um? Yeah. And also you don't have to look at the kids as an obstacle to a friendship, like it doesn't have

to be that way. You can reframe your thinking and look at kids as an additive, like it's a learning experience for you to look at all the stuff you can soak up by being around all your friends kids, especially if you're one day maybe thinking about having them. You're thinking about it all like in the negative way. So it's kind of about just reframing your headspace and like looking at something like, oh, look, this is a learning opportunity, or oh look, this is an interesting situation

that I could get something out of. Even spending time with children, like whether you're into them or not, Like spending time with children is like illuminating. It's so funny cool to hear their perspectives and see how they think, and they're unbespurged mind. When a kids see something for the first time, it puts two and two together about something You're like, oh shit, I never looked at it

that way, you know. So there there are a lot of advantages to having friends with kids, and like they're probably fucking jealous of you that you don't have to deal with any of those responsibilities. You and your husband have careers, and I know you said you work in like serious kind of care situation, but you still like don't have the responsibility of raising children, and like that's also something to be celebrating. Enjoy your time being single

without those responsibilities. Enjoy your time together you and your husband, you're alone time. You never know what the hell is going to happen in this world. You never know how much time you have with somebody. So instead of looking at the things that you don't have, please start thinking about the things that you do have, And out of gratitude things grow. You know what I mean. When you look around and you say thank you for all of this,

more comes and you get abundance. And so I really just think it's your pattern of thinking that you can just easily switch around by reading, you know, a couple of decent books about spirituality and about recognizing the differences that other people are things that can draw you in, not push you away. You don't have to be like your friends in order to be with your friends. Mmm. I love that. Yes. And also like it sounds like these friends might have babies at this moment, even though

she says kids, it sounds recent. They will get more interesting, like what Chelsea is talking about, Like kids get funny, you can laugh at them. Like when they start to get like three, four or five, there'll be a lot more entertaining to be and some acceptance that just all relationships evolve. So right now it's because of these kids, but it would have been something else, or it's going to be something else, Like you have to like be on that ride and just accept that things things change

and for the better often. Yeah. Absolutely, Well, Jenna, let us know, Jenna Bush, I'm sorry you're going. Yeah, Jenna Bush, stop comparing yourself to Barbara comparison. Yeah. Yeah, Jenna has babies. She has I think three, and Barbara just had her first one. So this is probably Barbara calling posing as Jenna, which is also yeah. Yeah, I mean all right, well we'll take a quick break and we'll be right back

with Monica and Chelsea. And we're back. We're back, and Monica, now, is there any advice that you'd like to ask for from Chelsea? So many things everything now I do I do want to ask you about And I think I'm sure you've covered this a ton on this show, but um, grief, because you I feel like you've done such a beautiful job of processing yours. And I just wonder, like when you lose something somebody, a relationship, a person, does that

ever really heal? Does that ever really go? Away or do you have to just feel that for the rest of your life and accept it and like, no, that's a piece of me forever. I think both things can be true. Who did you lose? Does just been some friendship dynamic changes? Okay? So people, you're not losing someone to death? No, no, no, no, then that's why. And I think grief can come in all these different forms

and due to all these different things. And it's like, huh is this is this is something that I'm just going to be like holding for a long time. I have a lot of friendships that have ended, and it is something that you hold. It depends on the friendship obviously to to what degree. But healing does come into place,

you know what I mean. There is an amount of time that makes everything less acute when your feelings are hurt, especially and I think the thing that is the key to healing is to give out love, you know what I mean, to give out love and forgiveness, no matter what the circumstances are, whether who is right or wrong, just to send love to that person, whether you do

it through meditation or prayer or whatever the funk. You're into positive vibes, like it's important to forgive people because holding onto that is a crusty notion and that can embed itself into yourself and become a very toxic quality to be mad at people. So when things change, you have to just accept that things are changing, and it can be very painful. I've had some very painful friendship

endings that have taken me years to get past. But yes, it all always be a part of you, but it will run you, you know, the healing and like understanding that people are there at certain parts of your life in certain ways and it's not permanent, you know. That's the heart For me. That's such because I I need so much safety, Like I have grown up like that with a lot of fears, So I'm just always searching for safety. So when there's proof in the world that

it's not safe, I just like can't handle. I have a hard time handle. Yeah, yeah, I get that a lot. I get that. And but that's also you're trying to guarantee the unknown, right and that's a feudal exercise. What is a sagacious way to be is to be okay with the unknown, to have something that like a left you know, a curveball come your way that you're not expecting. That is gutting and be like, Okay, I don't want to have to deal with this. I don't like this.

It doesn't make me feel good, but I can deal with this and to work through it and to feel the feelings, like not to ignore them or pretend they don't exist, or posture or anything, but to be real

with yourself is a real gift. And you know, pain does subside, you know, even like if somebody dies it feels like it will never go away, and yeah, that person is always always going to be gone, but it really depends on how you reframe your thinking about that and over time you get a healthier relationship with the loss.

That's that's that's good to hear. I feel like there's so much control, you know, there's like such a need for control in general for me anyway, and that's such a huge piece of it, like all these things you can't control, but you're trying to control and everyone it's all it is all temporary, I guess. Yeah. I hope that helps, Monica, it does, it does, think Chelsea. We loved having you as part of the podcast today. Thank you so much for coming to the Thank oh my God,

I love the valley. Yeah, there's a California Chicken cafe right on around the corner, just in case you were wondering. And I saw that, I was like, oh, I love those pita chips. And then I thought about going inside and standing in line. I was like, not that much. I was like, white, who Casey, Carla someone California Chicken. Thank you Monica, and it was really lovely. Thank you, Catherine. And what's your new podcast called. It's called Race to

thirty five. Race to thirty five. This is where they are going to fertilize their eggs and give us a day by day play play by day by day play by play, and then of course armchair expert. Right, I'm sure expert. Yeah, Spotify on Spotify, And thank you Spotify for giving us the gift of Monica Patment and christ Todas. Yes, thank you. So if you'd like advice from Chelsea, just send us an email at Dear Chelsea project at gmail dot Come. Dear Chelsea is a production of I Heart Radio.

Executive produced by Nick Stuff, produced by Catherine Law, and edited and engineered by Brad Dickert.