Facetiming on Myspace with Chelsea & Catherine

So we were going to do it last week because I had my social media team come up for a little sabbatical. They came up here and where I was like, oh great, I said to Ricardo and Mina, who run the company. It's called Crispy Chicken. That's what attracted me to it. I'm trying still trying to get them to change the name to Krispy Chicken Nuggets, but they're not really biting on that one. Anyway, I had them come up.

The three of them came up and we were gonna shoot my video and I was like, how proficient are you guys on snowboards because I will need your help. We I mean, we got to step it up this year. We need a drone, I need a different backdrop. I want to ski through the trees. So we're trying to coordinate all this, and I said, how proficient are you and they're like, well, you know, we're not advanced or anything, but we can both, you know, film you on snowboards.

And I would like to say that, No, they could not. I took them out skiing. Thank god, I did not try to film this with them. They I mean, Mina is a little bit better, but Ricardo. I was like, Ricardo, how often do you snowboard? He's like once a year. I'm like, do you understand what we're dealing with here? Someone skiing backwards and filming me or snowboarding back through the tree or retreat. Well, I mean, I don't know

how realistic that's going to be. So we'll see if I even conquer that, because we're gonna need a few camera men. But I'm in Whistler, so there's tons of people here that can film skiing for years obviously, you know, so I just have to find the right people. Yeah. I, by the way, love Ricardo and Mina. They're fantastic. Yeah, they're really really awesome, and we had a great time we went to the zip lining, we went to the BA Well, I dropped them off. I was like their

mama bear. I felt like I was shuttling my kids around from carpool, you know. I would drop them off at school and they picked them up three hours later. I'm like, bye, guys. Then I dropped them off at the grocery store so they could get all the Canadian snacks to bring back, and then I'd picked them up and then they'd get in the car and it just would wreak of weed. I'm like, what is that smell? Anyway?

So that's been happening up here. Just I love having people shuttle in and out of my little my ski chalet. It's so fun. I know, Chelsea, can you settle a marital argument for me? Really good? O? Yeah, I'd love to. So. Our bedroom, we're having some work done on the garage, was just right near our bedroom and our bad you

turning it into what are you turning into Brad's man cave? Well, in addition to podcasting where it happens to be a drummer and musician, So we're turning it into his music studio. Oh music studio. Okay, that's bad in a man cave, Brad, Yeah, indeed, he can be a lot louder in there. Meanwhile, I just want to go out and say that my whole life is a man cavel. I want to do is be in my bed smoking weed and watching TV. So I might as well have a man cave as well.

I love it. You just need a lazy boy, that's all you need in there. But so, it smelled weirdly like pine in our bedroom for the last couple of weeks, and we can't figure out why. But I think it kind of smells like weed. And in my opinion, weed smells a little bit like pine needles. But my loving husband thinks that that is absolutely ridiculous. It's skunky. Weed is skunky. That's why they call it skunky weed. Right, Well, not all weed is skunk. I mean, there's me that's

not skunky. So I think that you're right, Catherine, as usual, that there can be a pine smell. For sure, when I walk into my house, it is an overwhelming smell of cannabis. My friend's daughter came over the other day and she goes, she's seven, She goes, what's that smell? I go, don't worry about it. You'll know when you're older. Yeah, you're about to find out. But yeah, I think something we can definitely smell like pine. Are you trying to get rid of the smell or do you like the smell? No?

I mean it's it's a pleasant smell. But we're just like, why suddenly does this smell like pine? We can't figure it out. So and neither of us are stashing weed in the bedroom. But I think it smells like weed, And well, why don't you start stashing weed? And then that will overwhelm the pine smell, and then that will create more symbiosis in your perfect more symbiosis and synergy. Well, thank you for settling that argument. And I am so glad that I won. Brad, how do you feel about

that outcome? I'm crushed. Okay, my life is a lie. Yeah, this is, by the way, is something we've been discussing for like a decade. He's like, we doesn't smell like pine. Well, it doesn't always smell like skunks, but in this instance, I think it smells like weed. And it smells like skunky weed. Oh it doesn't. You don't smell pine? Oh? Oh I see, I see. Well it's interesting to me that you're arguing about this, but yet the hard boiled

eggs weren't an issue for you at all. Brad Well, I guess I gotta turn a blind eye to some Yeah, it's interesting where you pick your battles. Well, I mean that's marriage right there. You got to pick your battles where you can. Exactly so chealously, I wanted to ask

you some thoughts about making friends as an adult. I find when I meet somebody that I really like and I want to hang out with them more, I'm not one hundred percent sure how to go about that, how to feel out if they're as into me as I am into them. What are your thoughts? How do you do it? Oh? That's so funny. I mean I'm always making friends as an adult, and you're also constantly meeting

new people. Yeah, I guess I'm lucky that way because I'm always bouncing around to different places, so I get to meet new people. I feel like it's a mutual connection. When you have chemistry, it's kind of undeniable. So likely if you're feeling something or like an attraction towards a person that you want to just like, spend more time with or hang out with in a non sexual way.

It's pretty easy. It's usually reciprocated. I find yeah, you know, like if someone's texting me going when are we going to hang out, I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, I feel the same way. So I just don't feel like who cares about rules as an adult, you know what I mean. But it's not like you're a kid and you're so self conscious and thinking about what other people think of you.

Or maybe you are self conscious, but even so, it's good to extend invitations and broaden your horizons always, Like that's always a good idea to make sure you're keeping everything fresh and making new acquaintances as well as friends. You never know what anyone's going to bring to the table. So I always like to hang out with new people all the time. I'm always interested in a different perspective,

you know. And I think a good thing to remember is, like we've talked about this a lot, that all relationships don't last forever. You know, a lot of relationships and and a lot of new people come into your life for a reason as well, So you should be open to that aspect of things of like, oh, this might be somebody that I'm supposed to know, are supposed to be friends with, and could be somebody that you're supposed to be friends with for the rest of your life.

So I don't think there's any shame in reaching out and being like, hey, you want to hang out, I'm into you or whatever. You know what's sad into you, But you can say yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want people to think they're walking into a thruble situation. So that's how we caught you. That's how I feel sometimes when couples are trying to hang out with me and my back ut up back, it's a duck up, get away from me. I know what you're up to. I

once had two friends come over so funny. I was leaving Reese Witherspoon's Christmas party years ago, and my friend and her husband drove me home and then I was like, do you guys want to come in for a drink? And they came in. It was actually my friend Kate and her ex husband, and they came in and they're sitting at my kitchen counter and I made them cocktails and then I said, just so you guys know, we're not hooking up, and they both looked at each other.

Like what, And I was like, I don't know what you guys are into, but I'm not into it. And we've been friends ever, so gosh. We had a similar experience with a couple of friends of ours, and Brad had been hanging out with this guy. They were in a band together. I had met him a few times because he bartended. We just hit it off from the

very beginning. Absolutely love this guy. We were in the car together, the three of us, and we were going to meet his wife, and I think I met her once or twice, but you know, it was early stages, and I made some joke about, oh, well, you know this is the point where we ask you guys to hook up with us or whatever, and he thought I was serious and just the back seat of the car win deadly. That's horrible, like five seconds and I was like, Matt,

I'm joking. And then he was like, oh my god, Thank goodness, because I was really enjoying hanging out with you guys, and that was about to be over. I know, I hate having to say I'm joking, though, you know, I know it's an la thing, like a good barometer or measure of somebody who's worthy of hanging out with a somebody who also knows that that's a joke. Yeah, that takes it seriously. No offense to your friend. You a new friend, that's okay. We still are very good

friends with them to this day. That was like a decade ago, so you know that's great advice. Thank you so much. Just to close it out, what's your go to friend date when you're first meeting someone. Is it let's grab dinner? Is it come over? What's your go to I mean I recently made a new friend because my neighbor called me. I think I talked about this. My neighbor that I'm moved building a house next to you got in touch with me and was like, Hey, I'm so excited that you're moving next to me. I

want to we're going to be best friends. He's a gay guy, obviously, and he's like, I loved to party, I love everything you represent. I can't wait for us to be neighbors. We're going to build a funicular behind our houses to meet, or a zip line or whatever. And I was like, oh, that's so fun. And we were trying to hang out. We couldn't make it work. And then I was in Sundance skiing in Park City, and he was at Sundance at the festival and then we met. We met up there and we had a

drink together. I think a drink, A drink is a good or a coffee, like if you're into coffee. I don't really drink coffee. So whenever people suggest that, I'm like whatever, that's life of meeting. Like I have business meetings over coffee, you know, where I pretend and to drink coffee or I have hot tea or who knows.

I never know what to get at a coffee place. Yeah, you know what, Starbucks has those not to plug anything, but Starbucks has those like refreshers that are like lightly sweet, they're fruity, and they have a little tina bit of caffeine. I like those when I'm not into coffee. Oh they have caffeine. I like anything with caffeine. Yeah, it's got a little caffeine. I think it's like maybe as much as a cup of tea, or maybe it is a cup of coffee. I don't know. You can ask them

about I love Thank you for that. Thank you for that recommendation, Catherine. That is meaningful. So how is your house going? I was actually wondering about this morning. Who knows what the hell's happening with my house? I can't even This is a perfect example of my impulsivity. I wanted to get my family out of my house, so I had to send them a strong message. I put the house on the market, and now I have been homeless for two Yeah, and I've been in a rental.

So oh, I have some other sad news to announce. Actually, oh no, okay, I haven't publicly announced it because I don't feel like it. But Bert is no longer with us. I know. I'm so sorry to hear that thank you, thank you, my poor little baby. He's so sweet. But Bernice is still with us, who knows for how long, So I'm gonna have to get her a little companion soon. Anyway, So my baby boy is gone. Oh, I'm so sorry

to hear a thing thank you. He was such a sweet Oh he was so robust when I got him, and watching him kind of fall apart or deteriorate, it was so like, oh, it's heartbreaking. But you know what I feel like about dogs. I just feel like you gotta pivot that love because you give out so much love to them, and when you lose a dog, it's such an easy transfer of love to find another dog and give another dog a home and then give Bernice another little someone to torture. And so I will be

doing that. I'll be on the hunt for a new chow guys soon, Okay, well I will. I'm sure you work at a lot of emails about this, so I will send things along to you, guys. But yeah, I'm so sorry. It's never easy. It's just never easy. I know it's never easy. But you know what you have to remember about dogs, It's like you gave them a life. He was at rescue and he was in bad shape when I got him, and then he was loved so hard, yes by his birth mother bought Bell, but also by

me and all my friends. And he was just such a lover. I mean, I've never had a dog that would lie on me all night long. I just love that. Oh what a good boy. Yeah, well, just snuggle Bernie a little extra hard next time you see her. And also I loved what Laurel and Jackson said is that we're going to see them again one day. Well, Chelsea, I do have a couple of updates, okay from callers from previous episodes, So should we launch into those? Yeah,

all right, fantastic. This one is from our dear friend Braden Cantelope, who was our sweet Canadian friend. He was in his early twenty and he was like, I want to study fashion, but I'm background friends and family and I want to move to London. So Braden says, Hi, h Chelsea and Catherine, I hope you're both doing well. I'm just emailing to say, while it's been a year, I've finally moved to London. Once my visa was sorted in November, I booked my flights for January and here

I am. I've been here nearly a month now, moving into my beautiful flat tomorrow. Honestly, your advice did help give me the little kick in the ass I needed to get over here, and boy, am I glad I did. Thank you both for everything, Braid and Cantelope. PS. I've had a few viewers actually messaged me on my Instagram to see if I made the move. Most recently, someone messaged me just the other day and said they're so happy to see I made the move. How lovely of people.

Oh that's so sweet. I love our little community who would have sunk it? You know what I mean? Seriously, it's just lovely. I used to just be a bitch on the E network, and now look at the wonderful work we're doing. Yes, I even had a maybe love connection the other day. Someone had listened to you know, someone who was single and said, hey, can you send her my Instagram? So I did. We'll see a straight

guy apparently, or at least sometimes straight. Yeah, we should look into doing some sort of like matchmaking episode because I really like to set people up and you know, make people get together, force them. I love that. I love that cool. And then our next follow up is from Regina. She was the lesbian who was having an affair with a married woman and she has this to say, Dear Chelsea, I had a fucking fantastic ten day trip to South America. Remember she was about to leave. That

started the day after we chatted. While I was gone, I had close to zero communication with my lover slash coworker, which is of course what we both needed. When I returned, we amicably talked and agreed that the affair, both emotional and physical, needed to stop. She has stated a few times that she is quote going to tell her partner the truth when she is ready, and who the fuck

knows when that will be. I could go into more detail for you about how she's struggling with my new lack of emotional investment in our relationship and my refusal to be vulnerable with her anymore. I think that's great, but it doesn't really matter. What does matter is talking with you was the turning point in this seemingly endless roundabout that I couldn't stop circling. So thank you so fucking much for that. I wanted things to change without

having to make any changes. The feedback I got from you and Natasha was the kick in the ass I needed. Anyway, I'm writing tonight to not only give you that brief update, but also to ask one would be a good time for us to get together so we can start our own affair as per your proposal. I'm vaccinated in horny, so let me know when works best for you. Kiss. Now I have to start sleeping with my female callers. Such a burden, tricky. First of all, vaccinated it in

Horny tour is over. We are starting a little big bitch tour. Yeah okay, and we just added red Rocks Oh that's amazing. Yeah, we added Red Rocks. We added there's a bunch of new dates that we added. So check on Chelseahandler dot com for tickets for my new tour, which is going to start in April. A little big bitch. It's gonna be so good. I've been writing all my material while I'm writing a fucking book. I'm like Jesus,

I have too much to do. Too much writing. You gotta be out there having more life experiences so you have something to writing. I know, maybe I should sleep less, watch Last TV and sleepless of smoke less pot. I'd probably ben a lot more productive. But not always helps, always help. I'm using this as downtime. Yeah, well, as you're should. It's vacation time. But back to the matchmaking thing.

If anyone is wanting to be hooked up or match maked, match made, anyone would be match maked, let us know right in for that, because we will try and facilitate that. And if you are a straight man and you are listening and you are single, we can definitely help you because the ratio of women to men listening to this is very high. Yes, and right, matchmaking in the subject line, so I know, and we'll see what we can do

for you. That's a good idea. I like that. Yeah, maybe we'll have to have a matchmaker on or somebody who knows about relationships. We don't need a matchmaker. I know what to do. Isn't it a mitzvah? If you set up three couples who get married? Is it? I think? So? I just set up a couple, one couple, a gay couple. I don't know what's going to happen with them yet.

Or yeah, if you're a gay couple. I mean, gay people want to be set up and they're all listening to this, So that's that's a good idea to right in for that. But also, you know, straight guys would be nice to have some in the mix, unmarried straight guys, as we learned last with your sisters. Oh yeah, unmarried. Please, everyone who participates in this must be unmarried. We'll just

put it that way. Can you imagine? That's that's the next headline, Chelsea Handler hooks up married woman with married man. It's just Ashley Madison, Chelsea Madison, Chelsea, Chelsea, Christina Barcelona Chelsea. Next up, we have a new segment that we're going to be doing calling in back up with Better Help. You want to tell us a little bit more about that. Yes, So sometimes we get questions where I just don't feel

it's appropriate for me to be answering. And obviously I joke about being a medical professional, but we know that I'm not. I have no certification or degree. I am just really just spouting stuff straight out of my ass. So we are doing this thing where we have Better Health Therapists, which you know, they're a sponsor of the podcast, and they do great work. It's online therapy, Better Help, it's affordable, all of it's so accessible for anybody who's

having trouble or going through something. So we decided to work together in concert with them, and when we have some questions that we don't feel like I could answer appropriately, we are calling in somebody who is more skilled. And with that, David Yaddish, licensed therapist and clinical operations manager at Better Help, is going to join us in a

little bit great OC says dear Chelsea. I love listening to your podcast, and I've noticed that you are a big proponent of therapy, whether it's individual or couples therapy. I come from Asia, where therapies very taboo, therapies looked at as something is very wrong with you, or it's also like how pathetic are you that you need therapy and can't solve your own problems. I've had many issues from my childhood, from my relationship with my mom, who

passed away when I was twenty five years old. I'm forty three now, so my husband recommended that I do therapy. I did it for a month or two despite my cultural belief, and I was never able to be one hundred percent open with the therapist. She did listen a lot and complimented me a lot. To be honest, it made me feel great. She then concluded that I was

totally fine and there was nothing wrong with me. Now to my actual question, my husband and I have been married for thirteen years, and we have a lot of differences, simply starting with cultural differences. He's American and I'm Far East Asia, so we come from two different spectrums of

the world culturally and geographically. We also have very different personalities. Now, we have three amazing kids together, and we both love our kids so much that even though we have a lot of differences and sometimes feel like this marriage is not working out we want to push through for the sake of the kids. We both do agree that we should go to therapy. However, my main fear and concern is will therapy break our marriage? Do we have so many issues and differences that we ignored for so many

years that we're opening a can of worms? Will therapy make us bring up every issue and in the end make us realize we're not right for each other? After all, divorce is absolutely out of the question for me. I do not want to put my kids through that. Also, I do love my husband and I believe he loves me, so I think there's a good foundation there and a desire to be together. We just never had great communication. Sometimes it feels weird to start communication after thirteen years

of marriage. Please advise if couples counseling is a good or bad idea for us. So let's get our therapist, David on the line, and maybe he can speak to some of the cultural differences some of the years around going to therapy. Hi David, Hello, Hi David, how are you. I'm doing well? How are you guys? Great? Thank you well? David? What do you have to say about OC's letter? I think this is a great question and great to ask.

It's never too late to start communicating in any relationship, right, But therapy could be really scary, and it's going to be different for every time in your life. Every therapist you see. And one of the things that this writer

brought up in the beginning is that cultural piece. So not every therapist is going to have the same life experience, not every therapist is going to have the same anything in life, right, But like we can all relate on a very human level on things about communication, fighting, what

it's like to just exist in this world together. So finding a therapist that maybe is part of the a IPI community could be really helpful and help bridge that gap to get one hundred percent comfortable in a therapy situation, because so much of the work that we do as therapists is about the relationship, right. Anybody who's been in therapy can talk about if you feel comfortable with your therapist, it's so much easier to open up, it's so much easier to get to those real, deep core things, and

that's really important, especially going into like couple's counseling. There's a lot of vulnerability there, right, you have to talk about things that aren't working, the challenges that have come over the years, and they talk about being married for thirteen years. I'm sure there's a lot of stuff that could be talked about, right. What do you think, Chelsea?

I think you just have to If you have a desire to want to stay in a relationship, and your partner has a desire, then you're using couple's counseling or a therapist as a bridge to get there. You're in listening somebody to help you maintain the relationship. So of course it's worth it. And if you go into therapy thinking you're going to find out all of these things, all you're going to find out is about your differences in how people prefer to be communicated with. Those are

all workable things when you have a common goal. David, how important do you think it is to find a therapist who either has a background that's similar to you, you know, whatever it is, LGBTQ, or specializes in something

that you're talking about. I think it's really important. Again, not every therapist is going to have those exact experiences and still can relate on a number of different levels, but it's really important to find someone who you can relate to in that way, like you said, LGBTQ or a certain religious or cultural experience, because then it takes away some of that fear, some of that anxiety, some of that misunderstanding in sessions, so it can be really

valuable experience. I love that idea of like finding someone who has the same cultural background as you or specializes in whatever your stuff is. I also will say, you know, as far as the worry of it's splitting you up, Chelsea, what do you think of? That's just fear? Like that's just not being educated about therapy. The idea that therapy is going to split you up is ridiculous, Like it's

the opposite is true. I mean, couples can break up when they go to therapy, but that's also a good thing because you're revealing your truths about each other or each other's truths and your own self truths. So that's unlikely when both people are interested in a solution. I know there was a time in my marriage early on where I didn't know if we were going to make it, and we went through couples counseling, and even though I specifically was at a point where I was like I

don't know if this is happening. I don't know if this is working. I remember our counselor saying to us, like, I think you have something special that is worth working on. And I think for OC, she and her husband seem to both have a real willingness to try, and I

think that's kind of half the battle in couples counseling. Yeah, usually as long as two people have both feet inside the house like that's great, then that's that's an effort, and that's what that speaks more than anything else that is going to happen, like when you have a kind of united front. But and it's totally normal to be with somebody for that long and to be fucking annoyed

with each other. Yeah, yes, especially when you have some cultural differences that you're like, why aren't they just getting this? You know, this is how I operate. Thanks David for joining us. Thank you. Oh see, let us know how things go and report back. Yeah, oh see, you keep in touch. So we're going to be doing this segment calling in backup with better help from time to time, So feel free to write in questions with that in mind,

and a big thank you to calling in backups. Sponsor Better Help, and of course to David Yaddish, licensed therapist and clinical operations manager at Better Help. Well, Chelsea, let's take a quick break and we'll be right back. Okay, And we're back. We're back, We're back. Everybody. Okay, Chelsea, let's start with a caller today. I have Brian calling in. This is dear Chelsea. I'm a twenty eight year old gay man. I'm shaken up and could really use your advice.

Back in November and December, I became very content with the idea of being single for a long time or forever. But right before New Year's all that changed when I met Peter. What was to be a short tender date turned into a five hour rendezvous of endless conversation, and I even saw him again the next day. I feel like in gay culture, that's like big right. Yeah. The connection was unreal, and just a week later we were

dating officially. We told each other things we've never told anyone, and we just could not stop talking to each other. I felt totally myself around him, and therefore I let my guard completely down and started falling in love. It was long distance, but we spent every weekend of January together, and during the week we'd FaceTime every day for hours. I met his friends, told my parents I was dating someone, which I've never done, and we made many travel plans

to see each other through at least the summer. We were both actively applying for jobs in each other's respective cities so that we didn't have to be long distance forever. I recently drove eight hours to spend the week with him. The week was wonderful and there were no signs of issues, and the day after I made my drive back home, he started texting me a little less frequently. Then he called me that evening and said he wanted to break off the relationship. For context, he's thirty four and came

out just a year ago. Shortly after he came out, he got into a six month relationship with a man which ended out of the blue. We met maybe a month and a half after that last breakup. His reasoning for ending it with me was that he needed space to be a single, openly gay man. He also cited the long distance and his demanding job. I'm just at a complete loss. We both communicated our intent that this relationship was a long term, and he just flipped the

switch completely one day. Like him, I have my own burdens, but those burdens became completely eclipsed by the feelings I have for him. We ended the breakup call with the possibility of getting in touch and rekindling it some point, whatever that means. Chelsea, Please help me process what's going on. Brian. Hi, Brian, Hi there, Hi, I'm sorry, Brian. That happened, Thank you. It happened two days ago now, so it's very very recent and so okay, And how many months were you

guys together? Five? Did you say? Just one month? Actually? Oh? Sorry, okay, so you were oh so one month? Okay. Well, the good news is it's going to take you a much quicker time to get over a one month dalliance. It sounds a lot like love bombing from just hearing your letter to be that intense that quickly. I was reading about love bombing once because my girlfriend was going through the same thing. And it's like somebody's explosively in love with you right just you're on your face timing all

day long. You're telling you you're making future plans premature to when that's appropriate. And if you guys doing all of that with inside of one month is a big red flak. So that's an unhealthy dynamic anyway you're you know, you're supposed you can totally be into somebody that much, But starting to make plants like that and acting like that, it's just it's not stable, do you know what I mean? Like, it's not a slow burn and a slow growth where it goes like this in a regular ascent in a

healthy way. So it sounds a little bit unhealthy, which is why you probably feel spun out right now. The reason for it kind of escalating that quickly was that it was long distance and we just had this strong media connection right from the get go. It had a conversation at the very beginning of the relationship ship saying this is long term and we're gonna see it through.

And we committed to that throughout the month, and just the other day, out of the blue, it was like a switch and he said, no, I can't do this. I do understand what you're saying about love bombing though that it seemed like it was too quick. But and in the breakup call, I tried to almost negotiate with him, saying, why don't we just like blow it down instead of just having this clean break, given that we are so into each other and he just wasn't really seeing my

perspective on that. Did you bring up Hey, what about everything you said and the commitment that we were making. I did a little bit, because that is also part of love bombing, making big commitments and then turning off immediately like a switch. You've shower someone with love, shower them with love, and then you're gone. And big promises and big stuff like that. I think that Brian, it doesn't really matter what's going on with him. It matters

what's going on with you. You know, because I'm talking to you right now, and I understand how you're feeling. I've been there. We've all been there. You feel like you have the rug pulled out from underneath you. But there's a lot of advantages to the situation that I don't think you can see yet. Ay, it was this very short amount of time. You will get past this sooner than later. I know it doesn't feel like that in this moment, but after a couple of weeks, your

feelings will subside. I promise you that your feelings will subside. You're still going to be hurt, because it's hurt full. It's not leaving it open emptied. I mean, I guess you're kind of leaving it open ended, but that was at your behalf, not his. So I think that look at his behavior for what it is and what it was. You made that commitment to him, barely knowing him, getting to know him long distance, and you meant it, and he made that commitment and he didn't mean it right.

So I think that character assessment is really integral into your healing and understanding. You don't want to be with someone who says things like that and then turns around and freaks out. Now listen if he comes back to you in a couple of weeks or a couple of months and says, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I want to do this again. Like you need to set some boundaries and ground rules. That's not cool what you did. I was in it with you, We made a commitment.

I thought we were working in a unified front together, and then you pulled the rug out from under me. I don't think you've done anything wrong. I think you're just going to need some time to get around it. But I don't think you should have any contact with him. I don't think you should reach out to him. I think you should give him. I think when somebody asked for space, you should give them double. Okay. Unfortunately, yesterday I wrote him a letter. Okay, it's very cathartic for

me give him that. It was a quick thirty minute phone call with a lot of awkward pauses. I was just totally in shock. So instead, I wrote him a letter like twelve hours later, and I nailed it to him, explaining like how I was so hurt given the circumstances, and as far as moving forward, I only want to hear from him if he's in the space that he wants to reach out to me. Okay. So I left

the possibility open. And I've spoken to some of my friends about this, given them the context, and they keep saying they expect him to come back at some point, and I'm wondering if that's your take on it too. You kind of alluded to that. I mean, I don't know. Yeah, there's a possibility, and I think that sometimes helps people get over their healing, the idea that someone's going to come back. And that's fine, whatever you need to do

to move on. The important thing is like, yeah you can, you can assume that I don't know if he's going to come back. I have no idea who this guy is, obviously so and I'm not a palm reader, but I think it's it's an opportunity for you to kind of restabilize now that he's out of the picture. If he does come back, I want you to be have a stronger sense of self and of boundaries and what's healthy and what is it if and when that does happen,

and if it's not him, for the next person. It's not healthy to get that crazy and that together in a month. It's understandable that you have an attraction, but long distance. I've had long distance relationships, I've dated long distance. It's not necessary to get like that, you know what I mean. That's a build because if you start in one month and you guys are on the phone however many hours a day, you're face timing all that stuff, that's never gonna last, and you have nowhere to go

from the first month, you have nowhere to climb. You know, you want like a healthy long term relationship, right, is that what you're after ultimately? Yes? Yeah, So I think this is a lesson for you to just consider all of those things and think about how you want to move forward in the next relationship or if this guy does return. Yeah, I think there's a little bit of guarding your heart that should happen if you do hear

from him again. And I also think, you know, having written him the letter, jives with what Chelsea was saying. You said, the door is open if you want to contact me, but I'm not gonna chase you. I also think when you're long distance, especially from the beginning, there's an opportunity for you to live in the fantasy of this is going to be so amazing, it's going to

be great, all the amazing things. We're so in love, but you're not dealing with the day to day of like being around each other, of like the everyday annoyances of you know, you came home pissed because you had a bad day of work and he's got to deal with you. You know, all of that stuff is not present, and so it's very easy to only experience like the exciting part of it. Who knows if he's going to come back, but if he does, I think you got

to guard your heart a little bit. Right, I'm in shock, given that I have a tendency to not be vulnerable and put up balls, and I've made a conscious effort to being in this relationship to not do that. I'll let everything go and was like totally myself around him, and that's why it hurts so bad. Yeah, I know, I can tell you're hurting obviously, and I just want you to remember this is a month of your life and it seems like the biggest month of your life

right now. Once you get a little bit of distance from this, it's not going to be so big in your mind. It just won't be. And I know if you want to hold onto the idea that he's coming back, that's fine too. That sometimes helps people. I've done that in the past, and to get over somebody, you know, like they'll be back, they'll be back, and by the way,

they always are. I mean for women. You know, I can't speak for gay man because it's a little bit different, but you know, I just really want you to look inward and focus on yourself and you're healing and positive vibrations for you, you know, instead of obsessing about what he's doing, which is sometimes you know, unavoidable. I know how the brain works, and you're going to be obsessing over him because you care so much about him and you are so hurt. I just think, you know, hold

your head high. You sent him that letter and act with integrity, and now you can step away from him. And if and when he comes back, then it's going to be a different story. If it's like a few days and he's like, I fucked up, then that obviously, then okay, you're on the same page. But if it's a couple of months that he comes back and says like, Okay, now I want to come back and be like, well, not so fast. We have to have some ground rules now.

But I want you to think about how you can be stronger and better and more grounded in every relationship moving forward, and focus on that skill set while you're going through this time. I think when you try to look at yourself and you try to better yourself and maybe read a book about breaking up, do you read

books a little bit? Yeah? Okay. I just wanted you to keep yourself busy and just try and get through the initial blunt force of the trauma of breaking up with somebody after a month, you know, And I think once you get past like two weeks, you're going to feel a lot differently than you do feel now. You might still have the same feelings, but they won't it won't be such a dagger in your chest. Yeah. One

thing that I keep I'm thinking about now. I keep trying to theorize, like, what was going in his mind this entire month and at the moment a breakup. Is it just simply he got cold feet? Or is it that the entire month he was being superficial and fake. I keep going back to that, but I hear what you're saying about I need to stop belaboring that point and just move forward with my life. Yeah, and you can try. And you know, I think a good exercise

is sending him love in your own mind. I want to send him peace, happiness, and love anytime he comes into your mind, to just give out love. You may not get these answers. And to be quite frank with you, it doesn't matter what his m is, what he was doing. It matters what you're doing. It doesn't matter if he was manipulating you or if he really felt it and he got cold feet. I know it matters to you psychologically right now, but ultimately, in the bigger scheme of things,

his behavior doesn't matter yours does. That's how I ended the letter I sent him, saying like, I want you to be happy, and I'm glad to have been on that journey with you, even if it was just for the short moment. That's good. I tried to like push that forward. Yeah, great, keep riding that train. That's that's exactly what you need to do to heal. Yeah, you

know there's also in your letter. You guys got close enough that he opened up to you about other relationships that have ended really abruptly, and I'm glad you included that in your letter, so that this that may just be kind of how he operates, and it's kind of a good thing that you guys weren't together for six months or a year or engaged before he suddenly was

out of your life. Yeah, I agree with that. Be grateful that it was a month this happened and not six months, because that would have been really, really, even more painful than what you're going through right now. I know that's unimaginable to you, but I promise you it would have been worse if it had. You know, sometimes in our lives, and I know I've felt this way

sometimes when we can't recognize the situation we're in. There's a bigger higher power that's pulling us out of it, And I think it's helpful to sometimes look at things like that. Not everything is in your control, and sometimes you're someone's doing you a favor and you don't even know it's a favor until much later, right. I think another point similar to that is in the beginning of my letter to you, I had mentioned I had been content with the idea of being single for a very

long time, and then this happened. So this kind of changes my perspective of relationships, knowing that I do have the ability to love another person business it may not be this person, but it can happen in the future. Yes, yes, absolutely, You're not a victim. This is a good empowering situation, and I beg you to use it, you know what I mean, Use it to make you stronger, to make you more aware, and to be the person that is

going to attract the person that you're looking for. And in order to be that person, you know what I mean, sometimes we have to do a little bit of extra work and there are lessons along the way, and then all of a sudden you're at this like higher level of vibration, and you're attracting somebody who's really on the level and can see you exactly for what you are, and then you join forces and it's explosive. Yeah, don't

neglect the slow burn. I mean, when I first started dating my husband, I had gotten out of a relationship that was a very like tons of love bombing. It wound up becoming very abusive. It was eleven months of bad stuff and I, you know, single for a little while. I met Brad, and compared to what I had come from, this was just sort of like a very nice guy

who pursued me and wanted to treat me right. And there's something about it if you've gone through a relationship where there is a lot of love bombing, that a more healthy, stable relationship can seem almost boring or a lot less exciting because you don't have these extreme high highs and extreme low lows. But that stability is also what a healthy relationship is built on. So don't neglect the guys that might seem a little less exciting at

the very beginning. So we just take that the right way, Brad, But you know, it can be good for longer. Term. You have to get to know somebody. When there's electricity, that's great, but that's not all it takes to be in a relationship. That's just chemistry, you know, and that's when you spark with someone. And sometimes you know, you can get carried away and it sounds like you got carried away. You don't really know him. You don't know his character, you don't know his background. You just know

what he's told you. You know, you haven't spend enough time with him, with his family, with his friends, all of those things matter, and vice versa. He has to spend time with you. It's fun and it's great, but it's not healthy. How old are you, Brian, I'm thirty. Oh okay, well listen, you're gonna have plenty of people. You're gonna have plenty of time to get your heartbroken

again and break other people's hearts. So, you know, when you get stuck admired in it, just try and pull yourself out and get that perspective of your entire life, not just this moment, and look at your whole life and your past and your future, and then you're going to understand that a month is nothing. I really appreciate place outsider perspectives. Since I've been getting the comments from my friends, it's all they're trying to support me and saying, oh,

he's going to come back. It's kind of like my opic type of thinking versus year giving you a more holistic picture, which I really appreciate. Yeah, I think that's important. Well, will you check back in with us in a few weeks, Brian, I will, all right, let us know how it's going. Okay, I will thank you so much. Thanks, thanks Brian, talking to you, bye bye bye. Oh what a sweetie. Oh heartbreak. I know, you know. I remember meeting this fucking guy on my Space. Remember my Space? And I went out

with him. Oh god, I forget how many times, but enough, you know, for a couple of months, maybe a month and a half, but intense. We were into each other. Not to the degree that this guy's talking about, because I would never FaceTime that long. But I don't even know about FaceTime that at that point. I don't know if we had it because my Space. I don't even think we had iPhones. Zach the Yeah, I think we had the Internet. And he blew me off. He goes to me, I was like in my twenties, and I

was obsessed with finding out what happened. Ghosting is the worst. Obsessed with finding out what happened? What Is it because of something I did? Is it because something I said? Did I do that? Did I get too drunk? Did I whatever? Just obsessed there had to be a reason. And it's like sometimes there just isn't a fucking reason.

It doesn't matter, It doesn't matter at all. It just matters how you kind of react to those situations, and when you let them envelop you and take over your mind, it just has such a negative impact on everything else that's going on in your life at that moment. Yeah, it definitely does. I think he's going to be just fine. And I'm glad that he sort of learned how to be vulnerable in this situation and if he can rain that into a healthy degree in his next interaction, I

think that's perfect. That's exactly he's But he met the person who wanted to take advantage maybe of that vulnerability, Like right at the moment he decided to like give it all away, and you got to give it out an increments, you know, people have to earn it. I like the phrase welcome the pain you know. I like that.

I read that in some book and it ran deep with me because I just it's a great way to look at a hard situation, because I feel like, you know, we all go through difficult breakups and we all get our hearts broken and we all heal. Yeah, so you're not some you know people think it's it's never gonna be okay again. It's gonna be okay again. You're everyone just survives this. There's not a lot of people who

haven't been in love or haven't had their heartbroken. It happens a lot, and I think welcoming the pain is a great idea to think about. Welcome it. The sooner you go through it, the sooner it is out of you, and the sooner the next adventure is right around the corner. Yeah, so welcome it, bring it in, let it run through you, and then you're going to be moving on. Yeah, and you said something like this when we were talking to

him as well. But one of my girlfriend says, rejection is protection, and that's exactly what the situation feels like to me. Yeah, yeah, I agree with that. Well, should we take another caller? Yeah? Hey, yeah, yeah, I like our one on one episodes. No, they're kind of fun. Yeah, we can really get down to business. Yes, exactly, get granuelow with people. This call is from Maggie. She says, Dear Chelsea, in the spring of twenty sixteen, I had to end a toxic friendship with someone I had considered

a best friend and full mate of six years. Let's call her Amanda. Amanda had been exhibiting problematic, manipulative, and abusive behavior towards me and others that I had been clocking for a while and could no longer handle or tolerate in my life. Ultimately, I've not regretted this decision, except for genuinely missing her and the best of times

we had in the past. But I've completely moved on and I'm so happy in the friendships I have kept and cultivated before and since then, things have been relatively easy to navigate, minus one mild run in at an event, especially since I have the positive mindset about my decision and hold no hard feelings towards Amanda. I genuinely wish her the best. Until now, our mutual best friend is getting married and we will be attending the same bridal party events together. Now, I don't know how it can

be more clear to everyone that it's all good. We chill, at least on my end, But the bride to be has asked me if things will be awkward and uncomfortable. Of course not, is my answer, but I can see it's weighing on her. I can't help but think that Amanda has mentioned something or given the pression to the bride that things could be uncomfortable. The bride has always been very conscious of not mentioning us to the other, which I have told her a few times is not

necessary because I'm freakin good. To ease the bride's nerves, I have offered to reach out to Amanda and say hello and gently let her know everything is good on my end, and I look forward to enjoying the events leading up to the wedding together in an amicable fashion. However, I'm finding the words to be really difficult to get

down in a draft. Amanda is an incredibly sensitive and intelligent person whose ability to pick apart a well meaning message and its unsaid quote potential demeaning nature is astounding. Her superpower is to take offense to anyone who even breathes wrong around her, and that's what worries me if

I don't choose my words ever so carefully. Instead of diffusing and creating a positive environment for the bride, things will be awkward and tense because she's incapable of letting go and letting these special days be about someone else. Please help Maggie. Hi, Maggie, Hi, Chelsea, Hi, good, This is Catherine. Who you know? How are you? Yeah? I got good? Thank you? How about yourself? We're good? We're good. Okay, so this is a good situation. Well, let's write this

letter together. First of all, my question is what is her relationship with the bride these days? Is the bride aware of her toxicity? I don't think that she's aware. They're still fairly close friends. The bride and I think spend more time together and we're a little bit closer. But the bride she's just the sweetest person, and so I think she is tolerant of a little bit more kind of toxic behavior that this girl has showed. Yea, and I was kind of snapped out of it a

few years ago, but they're still close. Okay, So when did your relationship end with this woman? Twenty sixteen? Oh, so it's been a while. It's been a really long time, so I'm very good where I'm at. There's been one or two times where the ex friend has either tried to reach out to me through the bride or another mutual friend, maybe trying to rekindle things. But I've kind of said, you know, enough time has passed, and I like,

I'm all good. Okay, I you sound good. Listen everything you wrote in that letter, you sound totally healthy and with it. So let's just phrase how you're going to put this right. I think you just make it all about your friends that's getting married. Yeah, this is about her. I want the focus to be on her. I have no ill will towards you, and I'm looking forward to spending this time with you. I think we're all going

to have a great time. Yeah right. I think short and sweet is the best way so that she can't go in and part your language. Yes, short and sweet, keep it positive, keep it about the bride. Okay, great, So what are you gonna what are you thinking about writing? Hey?

I hope you're doing well. I'm so happy for our friends. Yes, we know that moving forward we will be seeing some of each other and just want to reach out and say looking forward to having a really great time and making it just about the bride, you know, and we can enjoy ourselves too. Yeah, yeah, I think everything you said is perfect. But don't say making it just about

the bride, because that implies that there's tension. So I think you should say I can't wait to celebrate her with you, and I think we're all good and I'm looking forward to having a great weekend and I just wanted to touch base so that you know that I'm coming with a heart full of love something like that, you know, at the end like that. Yeah, I think Chelsea is right too, you know, especially because this friend has reached out and made an attempt at rekindling a relationship.

You don't have to do that, but I think Chelsea's right to be like, you know what, let's go and have a great time. It doesn't mean you have to become best friends with her again, being like, hey, we're going to have a good time together at this event. You know you're going to be at together. I think it's safe, right, So not delving too much into the past or focusing on just keep it. That's twenty sixteen, you're talking about like seven years, you know, what I mean,

don't even bring it up. Just move forward because who knows. Listen, she might be different too. You don't know if she's been to therapy and it has some self awareness now, or if she's changed. So you don't assume that she's the same person she was. Absolutely, even if it comes up at the wedding, which it shouldn't, you should be like, no, no, no, no, this is about This is about the woman that's getting married. This is your tribute to her. You're writing this letter

because of her. You're going to have a great time and not focus on the past because of her. Just be in the moment that you're in, you know, and just spread positivity in that letter. Make it short and sweet, no longer than five sentences. Do you still have her phone number? Or do you follow her on social media? I would have to reach out on social media. I think back, however, many years ago, it was I probably did block her number, probably on you know, whatever social

media we were using at the time. But I think I would still be able to reach out as like a DM or something. Okay, Okay, I mean, I honestly would say, like a DM or a text feels less formal than an email or something like that. So maybe because you're keeping it short and sweet, that might feel like a less pressure just to be like, hey girl, looking forward to celebrating our friend with you, excited to part whatever. But I love Chelsea what you said about

like coming with a heartful of it's going to be exciting. Yeah, you're gonna be just fine. You're in a good place. You're a good person. And this woman, I bet has changed a little bit. I don't think she's gonna want the drama, you know, I mean a lot of time has passed, Yes, and if she does, you know what, you have to know that you did the right thing and you can't control her behavior. So if she does snipe about it to someone else, okay, then she's going

to do that. Yeah, just take a higher path and then that way, there's like you haven't done any you haven't been bad mouthing her. You're not going to that's not your game. And you're just there to celebrate your girlfriend and her special day. Yeah, yes, okay, great, Well, thank you so much. Oh, thank you, it's nice to talk to you. Good luck you too. Thanks. Let us know how it goes. Oh well, yeah, thank you both. Bye. Maggie Bye. Well. Our last caller is Farren. Farren says

dear Chelsea. So years the hot Goss. I met a guy on Hinge back in September. We had a lot in common and it was lovely, but I wasn't feeling it at the time. I told him I was not interested in him romantically, and we decided to remain friends. We attempted to make plans a couple of times, but never ended up hanging out. A while later, I realized I had been closing myself off to potential romantic situations

as a defense mechanism. Subconsciously, I was rejecting myself first and taking myself out of the situation before any man could reject me. Thanks childhood conditioning. Anyway, I see things through a different, more open hearted lens. Now in December he reached back out. This is like two months after they had originally gone out. With this new and open mind, I decided to meet him for coffee a few weeks ago.

I had such a fun time with him. He's easy to talk to where both spiritual sit with plant medicine really into evolving, and it's really meaningful to have someone to relate to those things about. We ended up talking on the phone for over an hour after the coffee hang. The problem is, now I'm sure he sees me as just friendship vibes because I previously told him I wasn't interested.

Now I'm feeling interested and having the option of this getting romantic down the line, and definitely want to make out with him. However, even though I do find him attractive, I'm not entirely certain if I'm fully physically attracted to him or not. If that makes sense, The question is do I say something to him about how I'm feeling even though I don't know if I'm one hundred percent into it or not, or just go about being friends and leave it alone. Who knows what may happen organically.

I love you all. This podcast is the fucking best, Chelsea. Your new Netflix special is Bunker's hilarious. Farren, Hi, Farren, Hi, Farren Hi, thanks for having me. How are you? I'm good? How are you guys? We're good? Girl. I think you should go for it and just ask him like, this is a little life situation that could turn into something great, or it could just be a blip. You're not trying

to pursue a friendship right with him. I would so previous I would pursue men or text or try to make plans, but it was coming from a very like scarcity mindset anxiety place. And now I am really looking to be pursued, and I would continue to be friends with him because it's nice to be able to have these kind of deep conversations with someone and be able to integrate with somebody who's on a spiritual path as well.

I would risk it too, but I don't want to be in a position where I'm doing that again, kind of pursuing, because that's not the look I want. I don't think you are, though, I don't think you are. You're judging yourself on your past behavior, not on your present behavior. You don't have to be desperate about it. You have to just be upfront, like hey, I actually kind of had like a little spark, or when you go out again and you know, have a drink and then see if that changes things, and you can say

it in person, just like, hey, I'm feeling something. I don't know if this is anything, but what about what do you think? That's not desperate, that's just being direct. So sure you know the distinction between the two because your old behavior isn't relevant to this situation. We get caught up in our past behavior instead of saying I'm

not like that anymore. Yeah. I also think there are extraordinarily few straight guys who, especially after they've expressed interest in a girl, are willing to hang out just as friends if they're not eventually trying to sleep with her. Like, I am sure he's still interested. Yeah, I am too. I would be shocked if he's not. And if he wasn't, he wouldn't be going to coffee, you know, he just wouldn't. He'd be like cool, Like just friends usually means like

call'll never see you again, especially with online dating. So I don't think you have to worry about like, oh now he sees me as just a friend. Now, flirt hard, tell him you're into him. See what happens? How do you flirt hard? Touching on the hand, touching on the arm, basically what I do with Chelsea when we're in person. I just touch her. I mean, yeah, just go. That was such a fun conversation. I really dug it, you know, or whatever your language is, you know what I mean?

How just go? That was really fun. I was kind of surprised by how I felt when I left there. I don't know. Are you interested even if he says no, what she's not going to If he says no, who cares? Great, Okay, check that, and then you can be friends with him if that's fine with you. But it's not a big deal. It's a good exercise as a woman to demonstrate directness and in a gentle, you know, kind of sexy way. You can be flirty about it, and then that's your

new thing. Say he says no, then it's like, okay, great, well we can still be friends, you know what I mean. And then you can if you want, and if not, something might happen with you, guys. And the other option is that you know you will like him and that you are attracted to him. It's totally normal to gain attraction to somebody talking to them more, you know, and having a real deep, meaningful conversation. Yeah. Yeah, And I know you had mentioned that he is out of town,

so you hadn't heard from him. But it's also liked vibe, So why would he like make the next move be the next one to be like, hey, let's go out again, maybe let's grab a cocktail that will make it a easier to flirt as well. We both don't drink. Oh well, then don't grab a car. I knew you were going to say that. I knew it when I said drink the first time. I could sell by your face that you don't drink. But that's okay. You don't need to drink. Go do whatever you do. What do you does? Go

to coffee, yoga? What are you into? Yeah? I mean I was trying to think of like a night setting where it could be a little bit more of a vibe, but not a bar. We'll go listen to some live music or something, or even if you go for a

walk with somebody for a long time. I think once you have a substantial conversation with somebody, there's that is the definition of chemistry, right, And whether it's romantic or friendship, you already have the chemistry there between each other if you guys sat and talked for that long and then called each other afterward. Yeah, you can also like wait a time or two if you're not quite ready to be like, hey, I'm super into wait a time or two, see if the vibe sticks and take it from there.

But I mean, if you're feeling something, pursue it. You know, I agree with Chelsea, like attraction grows. Yeah, don't put so much weight on this situation. This is one guy in a sea of and this is one moment in your life. This is not the end all be all, So don't think about as such an important thing. It's not. And if it's supposed to be something and it grows into something, then you're going to be really happy that you did that. Thank you for the clarity. That was awesome.

Yeah yeah, okay, great, good luck and let us know what happens. Thanks so much, thank you. Okay, bye, Farren, happy dating. Bye, She's so cute. I know, I wish everyone just go for it. Everyone needs to just go for things. Take a chance, take a risk. It doesn't matter. So if somebody rejects you, who gives a shit, It's

like onto the next YEP. I when I was in my early twenties or my late teens, I guess I went through up here and where I just like, I'll like, I'm just gonna ask out every guy that I find is cute. Half of them turned out to be gay, which was like even better because then I made a bunch of friends. But I was just like, I'm just gonna ask people out to coffee. And it was just so much fun just to be like, hey, I'm gonna

take control of this. It was great. Yeah. Great. Well, let's take a quick break, Chelsea, and we'll come back to wrap up. Okay, and we're back back, and actually, I do have one other quick question. Yeah, let's do a quick question. Okay, I will give you a choice because I don't know if this one's a little too igy. But there is one about skid marks. And there is also another one about should I tell the wife if someone said something lude to me skid marks? Questions about

skid marks? Yeah, but what's the question? So her boyfriend is leaving skid marks everywhere? Oh god, no, do the other one. I can't. That's the kind of what I figured. I was like, it's pretty gross. Oh gross. She's wondering if it's a deal breaker. I'm like, it's yeah, sort of, yeah, kind of okay, leaving them everywhere where in the kitchen, like where's the leaving? Don't just read it all right, but let's do the other one to close it out,

because this is so gross. Okay, so Poppy says My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for the last three years. Thank god. We're both in our early timid thirties and are planning our future together. He's my best friend, true partner, and biggest supporter. I can talk to him about anything and can be one hundred percent myself around him. But I need help navigating a delicate situation. My boyfriend constantly leaves poops kid marks

around the house. I understand if this happens after anal play, but that's not around the house. What does that mean? Goes into it. It's worse than you think. No. I the first time it happened, it was over a year ago. I noticed a smell and saw marks on the sheets out of the corner of my eye. I didn't know what it was at first and asked, what's that. When he saw what it was, he got super embarrassed and apologized profusely. I, of course was understanding. It didn't draw

extra attention or make the situation worse. I simply changed the sheets while he was in the bathroom cleaning himself up. The same thing happened during his next visit, but this time it got on my expensive duvet. I was grossed out and ended up buying a new one. Another time, he got a mark on my new couch one week after purchasing it. There are sitting naked on the couch. That's what I can't get past. I'm like, he's got to put on some underwear. First of all, he needs

to put on two pairs of underwear. There are now countless examples of this happening, and I can't take it anymore. The situation has started to impact our sex life. Anytime his crotches near my face during BJ sixty ninety sexy dancing during four play, I am thinking about his poop and get turned off. Okay, Chelsea, it is so so disturbing. He has something's wrong. He has to go. First of all, I learned this. There are two sphincter holes. Okay, so I've learned this on a gay video about anal sex.

There's some sort of medical condition for what's happening to him. He shouldn't be leaving skid marks everywhere he goes. You have to have it honest conversation with him and nip it in the butt. This is so gross and no one needs to deal with skid marks other than the person who's leaving them, you know what I mean. Of course it's affecting your sex life. Of course, you can't sixty nine somebody if you think there's ship coming out of their asshole. Fuck. I also want to know what

sexy dancing has his asked near your face. I'm just really excited about that, So I agree. I mean, if you've had a conversation about like are you wiping appropriately? I mean you could just like leave some cottonelle wipes in the bathroom that might help to but you do have to talk about it. Yes, you have to tell him. It doesn't matter if he's embarrassed. It's about fixing the problem because there could be like some sort of reason for this, and I think it there is because it's

not natural or he's not wiping properly. Yeah, but I feel like if he's not wiping properly, then he wouldn't be that embarrassed. Like maybe it is like a little league medical issue. Oh you know, like maybe he's wiping fine, but then he's got a little leak happening, so he should talk to his doctor for sure. Yeah. I'm not that kind of doctor. I don't know about assholes. Well, Poppy,

We wish you the best of luck. And also, just like, have your boyfriend put on underwear in your house while you're having sex, make him wear underwear while you're having sex. Maybe up a shower before four play? Yeah, to be washing his asshole all the time. Maybe only shower sex from now on? Can we end on a better note than this? Do you have another one? We can't? Chelsea? That was upsetting for her. I'm sorry, No, I'm so sorry. Okay, So, dear Chelsea, I'm a big fan here. I'm a twenty

nine year old female working as a waitress. I waited recently on an older couple sixty five or seventy five years old, and they seem normal. But when the wife stepped outside to take a phone call, the husband or maybe he was her friend or brother, there's no way to know, got weird. He called me over to ask me a question, but then decided not to. Okay, weird but whatever. Then he continued to stare at me as

I was cleaning and waiting on the surrounding tables. The wife returns, she pays, and he goes to the bathroom. When he returned, I was at the computer putting in an order when he got too close for comfort and whispered something so vulgar to me it stopped me in my tracks. All I could do was wave him away, as I'm not a confrontational person and the owner of the restaurant was sitting at the bar. They left shortly after.

As I was cleaning the perverts table, I noticed that his wife, question Mark, had filled out the receipt to sign up for our rewards program with her email. My question is should I make a fake email and contact her to tell her this guy as a sicko and as a worthless pile of trash. I know it won't really do anything, but god, it would feel so good. This type of thing hasn't happened since I was twenty, and I always said if it happened again, I would ruin their day. And I bitched out again. I think

that's the worst part. What should I do? Emily? Well, I think it sounds like you're going to have an opportunity to say something to his face, and I think that's the move, not saying something to his wife, because what's the point of that. That's kind of a cop out too, emailing her anonymously. I mean, ay, that's inappropriate. He can't talk to you like that. Whatever he said

that was vulgar is not appropriate. And so I think if they signed up for your rewards program, you're going to see him again, and I think you should get it straight in your head exactly what you're going to say the next time, and also just don't wait on them again. But I don't think you need to get involved with their marriage. I mean, he's gross, he's probably been gross for a long time and she probably does know. No,

that's a good point. But if it does happen again in person, just get something ready to say, and then you could say it in front of him and his wife if you want to, or you can say it to him, or you can talk to your manager about what you're going to say, and that you don't want to wait on them. I know what it feels like to cop out and not say the thing that you

want to say and defend yourself. I think you just have to wait for the moment to arise again, and it kind of sounds like it will, unfortunately, and then you can say something, Yeah, agreed. I would talk to your manager and let them know what happened, and your manager might say fine, then we'll ask them to leave

next time they come. But I think there's nothing wrong with if someone whispers something shitty in your ear, saying loudly to them that like, that's not appropriate and I can't believe you said it to me, and please leave, even if it's your workplace. But also like giving your manager a heads up about that ahead of time will probably save your ass a little bit with them. All right, well,

Chelsea Catherine, we did the Lord's work today. Yeah, God, God, Now I'm going to go ski and just you know, just let let this all roll off my back like a water with duck or whatever the fuck that's saying is exactly water off a duck's back, exactly precisely, Doc Doc Bucks, Bye bye. Don't forget to watch my special on Netflix, you guys. Revolution. It's a revolution. Also, I'm going back on tour. Everybody, I have a new tour. It's called a little big Bitch because I'm a little

big bitch and I always have been. Sometimes well now I'm a big little bitch. No, I'm still a little big bitch. Whatever. Anyway, I'm going back on tour. I'm warming up my new one hour that I have to create from scratch, but I have some very strong ideas.

I'm gonna be at Zaney's Nashville March twenty nine through Sunday, April six, and then Irvine improv and then I have dates theater dates everywhere from Peoria, Illinois, Carmel, Calluma, Zoo, Spokane, Washington, Boys Idaho, Vegas, Highland, California, Tulsa, Oklahoma, and more and more and more. So go to Chelseamlo dot com for tickets. A note on our segment calling in Backup with Better Help. David Yadish's input is general psychological information based on research

and experience. It's intended to be general and informational in nature. It does not represent or indicate an established clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. David's feedback is in response to a written question, and therefore there are likely unknown considerations given the limited context. Also, just because you might hear something on the show that sounds similar

to what you're experiencing, beware of self diagnosis. Diagnosis is not required to find relief, and you'll want to find a qualified professional to assess and to explore diagnoses if that's important to you If you or your partner are in crisis and uncertain of whether you can maintain safety, please reach out for support to crisis hotlines or local authorities have a safety plan and that can be done with a therapist too, So if you'd like advice from Chelsea,

just send us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com. Dear Chelsea is a production of iHeartRadio, executive produced by Nick Stuff, produced by Catherine Law, and edited and engineered by Brad Dickert.