Crowdsourcing Your Marriage with Natasha Leggero

Tickets are available a Chelsea Handler dot com. So whatever Democrats are left in that state, I'm coming and this is the last leg of my tour and then my special ist airing. It's official December Netflix everybody. It's called Revolution. That's so exciting. I know. I'm so happy, Chelsea. Yeah, I can't wait. Ah yeah, we love Netflix. Netflix in Chill. I haven't done five shows in a few months. I'm going to have to figure out what my alcohol game

plan is because I'm on a pre holiday buzz. You're gonna have to get some of those patches, those pre drinking patches. Oh yeah, I tried the awake ones, those patches that we're supposed to give you. Buzz I felt like that worked a little bit. I like that. I like an awake thing that's not caffeine. Yeah, right right, I don't. I don't respond well to caffeine. Plus, I take etcetera a lot in the morning when I wake up. That's kind of my coffee. It's a great habit. You

guys might want to pick that up. Okay, if you're listening from your health guru, Dr Chelsea Handler Man, I used to have to take so much Exceedrian, I used to get headaches, like almost every single day. Really, I did some cleans stuff to like detox if I honestly, detoxification baths really helped with that. What are those so you get in a bath like as yeah, ep, some salt sometimes some activated charcoal and a little lavender with an end at the end or an end some some

Oh I thought it was ex on salt. That's okay. I have a follow up, okay, great, yeah, okay, Well this is from Courtney. Oh I wish Courtney with a C. And she was following up after our Mushrooms and Majorca episode about the caller Lisa, who was thinking about maybe moving to New York and having a new adventure at forty, and she says, Hi, I'm listening to the Mushrooms in mayorka episode and just heard the caller Lisa talk about

making the leap and moving to NYC. I came to NYC from San Francisco six years ago for what was supposed to be three months, and I never left. I found a great community here, especially during the pandemic, and I absolutely love the freedom, energy culture, and of course the bars and restaurants. As I was listening to Lisa's concerns, I realized I should offer to connect two main reasons. I'm a professional, single, child free forty two year old with great contacts here and would love to help her

settle in. I've moved around on my own a lot l A, Chicago, s F, d C, n y C, and it can be daunting but also rewarding, and especially rewarding when surrounded by good people too. I also travel quite a bit, and if she wants to try NYC on for size, she can stay in my place for free. If she's willing to watch my adorable dog Cheat, feel free to pass along my email to her, which I did. I'm happy to help her explore NYC options. Love your podcast Chelsea, and you always make me feel better for

being independent, strong and single. You also gave me hope for finding true love. Dating has been a defeating process for me, and you remind me to stay open while also continually working to better myself. Thank you both for the weekly company. Courtney, what autie. That's sweet? I just love it. We get emails back sometimes based on callers who have called in or emails saying I can help with this or I can connect them with someone, and it is just so lovely. There's actually a little bit

of a community. This sweet. That's really lovely. Thank you Courtney, and think with the C I appreciate that. I think, Dear Chelsea, listeners are the best listeners. I know they are. They're really nice. Everyone's so nice, and everyone's so well kempt, you know what I mean. Welcomed with an M. I appreciate that. Yeah, okay, So our special guest today is my very dear old friend. She is the host of the Endless Honeymoon podcast, which she hosts with her husband

Mosha Kasher, and her book, which is now out. It's called The World Deserves My Children and It's So funny. Actress, comedian, and author Natasha la Jarro. I tel, Oh, my god, how happy am I to be talking about this book that is finally coming out. You helped me every step of the way. I couldn't find a title. You gave me great advice. You you helped me because you're natural book writer and you're a voracious reader. So I feel like you deserve all this book success. Like this is

so hard for me, Like I hated it. That's why you deserve the success too, when it's hard work, right. It took me like two and a half years, and it's just like, was not the kind of writing I was used to doing. And someone gave me the advice that it's more like an accordion, you know, Like so if I have a story as a stand up like this punchy thing where I'm trying to get right to the joke, where the book is like spreading it out and thinking about it from all these different ways. So

it was very taxing but very rewarding. But I think that's one of the best things about when comedians write books, is that it's like stand up you know. Like I remember the first book I ever wrote. I sent it to my manager who's no longer my manager because I can't keepe a relationship going. And he was like, you write just like you talk, and I was like oh, and he said that like an aside, like it wasn't

a good thing. And then as I learned, going through the writing process so many times with so many different editors, that is your biggest strength is writing like you talk. Because stand ups are writers. That's what we do is we write what we say. So to put that into

a book, I understand the accordion kind of analogy. Also because you do have to you know, you can't just be writing jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes, of course, but also as a comedian, our caliber of jokes is a little higher than the average person writing a book no offense. So it's like they're funnier. Your books are funny. A comedian books are always funnier, and you can get them on audio and listen to them, you know. And this book is called The World Deserves My Children, and which

is a fucking awesome title. And I want to tell you guys that I have read a lot of parenting books. I don't ask me fucking why. I don't know why actually, because I'm just curious about what I read What to Expect When You when You're Expecting because it's so cute. I just because I want to know what everyone's talking about. But I want I draw the line at watching the Housewives. I can't watch the Housewives. That's one thing I can miss out about that everyone's doing. But yeah, but this

is the funniest parenting book that you will read. It is so funny. It made me laugh out loud. I was on a plane. I mean I picked it up to read a couple of chapters and I finished the whole thing on a plane ride because it's so good. Yes, I mean, I'm really psyched for people to read this because every fucking parent can relate to so much of this ship. And if you're not a parent, you're gonna be so grateful that you didn't have children when you read this, because even if you're not a parent, this

is worth three eating. It's just so fucking funny. And the way you talk about Mosha, which is her husband, and if you listen to her podcast, you can hear both her and her husband. It's called the Endless Honeymoon Podcast, where she and her husband basically just bitch and moan to each other about each other. No, I try to use the podcast well we also, you know, listen to

people's secrets and give some advice. But I also use it as a way to hijack him with issues I have with him, and then we can sort of crowdsource it and I always win, right often. Yeah, And in the book, you go after him in a very very funny way. And I remember I was texting with you and You're like, is it too harsh? And I was like no, but and and the at the end, you give him a platform to actually he talks about his

experience parenting because he thinks he knows everything. So I'm like, what do you think being a mother is all about? And what do you think being a father is all about? And he really actually learned from our conversation. I did too.

I thought it was a good illustration of who he is is that you know, his kind of character, that he's in charge of more of the fun because it has been an issue because I feel like I used to be this person like you, full of Juada viv and would go to Africa to drop of a hat and you know, yeah, sure, pump vaccines up and down my arms and go to Thailand and river rafting without a helmet, and now I'm like completely paralyzed with fear and I hate it and I want to get back

to like pre motherhood Natasha, but I've changed a little bit. So it's just sort of like grappling with that a little bit and and trying to get back to just parentings degrading Chelsea. It's you know what, it feels demoralizing. I remember in a good way that I bet, but I remember coming over to your house one day it was pouring rain and I went over on a whim

for some reason. We were texting. I'm like, oh, I can come over right now, and I drove over a house and I met your baby for the first time and we were in the playroom, and I remember just seeing your life how it had transformed like this baby. If she walked, you know, Natasha had to walk after her. If she walked out of the room, Natasha had to walk out of the room. If it was it was just like that age where you can't leave them alone for two seconds. And I remember just going, oh, fuck,

like this is a total life change. Did you pity me a little bit? I did? I felt sorry for you. I just felt like, oh, this is because I I just always related to myself and if I were in that situation and I just would not be able to handle it. But kids love you because I've seen you around kids and you're like a magnet. Well sometimes sometimes all your nieces and nephews like well, I mean, they love me for different reasons. You know, I do like

kids when they have something to offer. You know, we're mostly just sucking from your life for but in a way that you're happy for, I guess. So tell me about when you became a parent. Tell me about your relationships with your friends that aren't parents. Did those change at all? Did you find yourself becoming friends with more

people that had children or closer to those? I mean, I think it's I don't know, it's really hard having an only child because I'm I'm a little overactively trying to make sure she has some deep connections with some people I don't know, Like she doesn't have cousins, she doesn't have brothers and sisters. So my friends, I'd rather hang out with my friends who have kids than her friends who have her friends and her friends because I don't know these people and I'm used to hanging around

the funniest people in the world. So you know, it's kind of hard sometimes to be like and moms can be very judgmental. But to answer your question, I don't know what the funk I'm doing. I mean, oh am, I still friends with people, I don't. I feel like I have no friends. I don't know. I mean, the pandemic was just sort of this, See you did it right. You probably still like had a small group of people

the pandemic. I was so excited to spend time by myself, I just because I had just come out of therapy and that was my big thing, was that I never spent time alone. And he just kept inculcating that to me, like you have to spend time alone. And then I was like, I've got out of therapy. And I treated it like I was getting a master's degree in psychology, Like I took the pandemic and I read every book

that I had looked at before and hadn't read. I read every self help book, every psychological book that I could like that would speak to what I was experiencing. So I just treated it like I was going to, you know, getting my master's degree. And I fucking loved it, and I had such a blast with myself. I was like, what am I doing around all these people all the time when I'm the fucking fun one. And yeah, I

took lots of mushrooms. And I mean, if I had a kid, it would have been a much different story. So tell me a little bit about you and Mosha. You talk about your relationship a lot in the book. How it's changed since you've become parents. Are you still able to laugh as often as you did before you had a child? Well, it's just harder because there's like so much you're doing your your life become so busy and you're picking up now after two people, and that

can kind of get to you, you know. But yeah, no, we laugh. We do laugh. It's a different kind of laugh. It's like we laugh more with when the kids there. It's like performative, you know. But sometimes I'm like, I want to make sure I'm modeling like a nice, fun relationship for her, because it's like you can't just always be like we need this time when it this end motion.

I like half the week her lunches from Starbucks because I have to pack her a lunch every day, and like I'm always out of what I need, so I like just have Starbucks little snack packs. It's just hard. I've gotten shamed at the school because, like I packed my brother's lunches, so I would just like put him in a brown paper bag and send him off to school. When I was little, I was in charge of that.

I did that when she was in preschool and the teacher came up to me and she was like, just so you know, the kids all have these Bento boxes. And she showed me and she opened it. I swear to god, it had rice steak, a vegetable like these mothers. The kid had steak. I'm not kidding. It was like other reason, it's not of children to deal with those fucking gools and that bullshit and the other mind. But

every kid had it. So I'm like, Okay, it's probably better for the environment to not use like all the little plastic bags. But still, it's like, it's just it's a lot of so much about parenting presupposes that you have nothing else to do in your life but parents, And you know, I'm busy, so it's challenging. And how has it affected your ability with like with stand up? Like are you able to perform as much as you

did before. No, I feel like this is going to make everyone not want to have a kid, because it actually has affected my stand up in a bad way. And this is why she's like a fountain of comedy and like so much stuff. And it's like it's everything that I think about and talk about, not everything, but

so much of it. And then the other day she was like, mom I don't like it when you tell people things I said, because I was just telling a friend something she said because she was like, Mommy, when the pandemics over, can we wear any kind of mask we want? You know? Like, so it's like things like that. She hears me telling some and she's like, don't repeat things that I say. And then I'm like, she doesn't even know that that's what I do for a living.

But she's gonna be twelve, look at a Netflix special, and then never talk to me again. So I'm like, I'm not going to do a special now, and I'm just gonna try to milk it. I guess live until until she yeah, until she knows, and then I'll pivot it. I don't know. It's hard. Well, I want to respect her, do you, Well? I want I have one kid. I don't want her to hate me when she's twelve. Yeah, but I feel like that's just a thing that you say as a little kid. It is your life experience.

You can talk about your life experience. You're not giving away. It's not so personal. It's almost just like she's having an idea that you're telling her stories and she doesn't like it for this moment. That's going to change too, Right, But I have this joke where I'm screaming that she wants caviare to Black Lives Matter rally and and like that didn't exactly happen. It's like a culmination. But that's even your more more of it out because you're like,

it's not even true stories, I'm making them up. But then what happens when she's twelve and she's like, you violated my I mean, who knows what kids will be like then? I mean they all hate you at twelve. Right, that's a good point. Yeah, I definitely hated my mom from twelve to seventeen. Yeah. Yeah, twelve to seventeen is a very hateful time because you're so pissed about what's happening to your body and your hormonal, Like I just was fucking crazy from twelve to seventeen, and anyone who

was a girl. And if you, well, you were a responsible kid. Actually I mean you took care of your whole family. Yeah, only if you if you only knew when you were a preteen, what was going to happen to your body when you turn like fifty, Like you wouldn't be so mad And what's happening like when you're it's the hormones. But yeah, it's definitely hard, but I can't tell you it makes me so happy. I see,

that's what's like weird about it. I know I can tell and you can tell that in the book to talking about all of the things that are stressful about it, but while also supplementing that with all of the because I always ask my friends is it worth it? Like what are the moments that makes it so worth it? Because when I see my friend's parents, it just seems

like chaos. It's like getting lunch is ready, getting everyone ready for school, braiding their hair, da da da, And I'm just like, where are the aha moments that everyone talks about? Well, I did one thing because I felt the same as you, and I made a decision to have one child. I don't want to be a referee. I don't want to deal with more than one child. So I feel like, but isn't most just sort of a child? He is, It's true, but I do feel like we can like go to Japan or go I'm

a little more mobile, you know, it's portable. And it's almost like I felt this a lot during the pandemic, but like she was just this angel who didn't know who Trump was and just being in the presence, it just felt like a higher being. Also, she's like, really good. I grew up with a problem child, so he kind of ruined our family. So you could also have a monster. I don't know. But it just really feels like this like angelic thing and everything's new to them, and anything

you tell them they have never heard of before. Like her biggest problem, Like the other night she was like crying and bed. I'm like, what's wrong, and she's like, I can't stop thinking about cotton candy, Like that's her biggest problem. Like it's just very precious. Yeah, I guess I can see that because it is it is angelic. It is un They're like unbe smirched, right, They haven't been ruined yet by the world, and they haven't been jaded, and they're just it's like brand new brains. Do you

feel like you're molding a personality? I try so hard. Yeah, But at the same time, it's like like Mosha was so mad the other night because last night was Halloween and we really wanted her to be a zombies with this like cool like princess costume, but a zombie. And then she put on the zombie makeup and then she looks in the mirror and she's like, I hated, I hated.

I just want to be a princess mermaid. So she takes off all the makeup and then just wants to put on a crown and this like very generic Disney costume that she wore last year, and I think Mosha was just like very upset about He was like really fighting her on it, and then finally he was like, can you just take over? I need I need to take a break, like and he's like, I don't know why this is making me so mad, And I know he just wants her to be cool and unique, and

the idea of her is like this Disney princess. The second year in a row is really upsetting to him because he wants this like hip child. But it's like you can only do so much, you know. The girl wants to be a freaking mermaid, princess basic as aerial. I don't know, but you just I guess my job. What my mom did for me, She like put me in so many extracurricular activities that finally one day I ended up in a theater class and that really started

my life, you know. And I feel like that's kind of our jobs in a way, is to try to what about your swim career? Though it was well, but that was she would compete in swimming and then come in like dead lass I was, I have a whole thing of yellow ribbons. Swimming was kind of participate. But guess what, I never drowned. I mean that's actually pretty

Do you get a ribbon for not drowning? Well? I mean I actually want to get my kid into swimming for the same reason because my husband's always wanted to take her surfing, and I'm like, no, she should be like the best swimmer she can possibly be. So I guess that's the thing is to guide them, try to show them something that could be their passion, but try to also not make them be an actor or communic I mean, I would not let her be a child actor.

That just feels wow. I don't think so. I mean, I think anybody said, everybody says that that's in the business. And then once they turn eighteen, it's like with two parents who are entertainers, Like what else is gonna happen? They're going to become an accountant, you know, like that's what happens. I want her to be an environmental scientist, talked down about it, be like environmental science is the worst. That's a hilarious idea. Do you how do you do? You?

In Mosha fight a lot about parenting style else, Well, the problem with you know, raising a child with a man is that or you know, a partner in general, but this specifically man is really rough. And it's just like we just you know, when you're with someone, you get together because you guys share a worldview. So like all the big things we were very aligned on, you know, that's how you're able to stay with someone. But then all of a sudden, the minutia of parenting is what

we started fighting about. Like he's like, she needs sunlight I'm like, no, she needs her head protected. No, she needs sunlight, no head protect you know. And then we're just like taking going on a walk and taking her hat on and off, and it's like then we're in a fight, you know. Or we go camping and he wants her to be experiencing the flame closer in her pack and play and I'm like, no, let's move it back.

This thing's flamm it says flammable on the side. And so we'll be at a campground moving like when she was a little baby, moving it back and forth, and it's just like those you know, it's like the same fight over and over. Is like I'm trying to protect her. He's trying to like let her have this amazing adventure, and so we're trying to get a handle on that. It's the same thing as in a relationship without kids, you have one thing that you fight about all that

it's the same thing. It just keeps coming up in different ways, you know. So it's it takes a lot of dedication to your relationship. I mean, let's face it, if there's no kid, you're kind of out after a while, right, moving on to the next one. At least that's how I've always been. But you guys are married, but the kid makes you Yeah, it's sure, I've never been married before, but the kid really makes you like, how are we going to make this work? Yeah? Yeah, maybe that's why.

Maybe you should cut that out. You can keep it's just so cool. That's why I married him too. He was like when we started getting together, we're both doing a stand up and I was like, do you mind if I say that on stage? You know, make fun of you. He's like, oh, you can say whatever you want on stage. I did not care at all, and I was like, thank you. Is that just because he wants license to do the same or he's not really

like that. I think it is just confident. He's just like he knows it's a joke, and as opposed to guys like being like oh why did you say that and getting all dramatic and then you've got to deal with them, and which is a lot of comics. To be fair, a lot of male comedians are very sensitive egos, very fragile it, which is always a turn on. Girl.

I can't get enough of this stuff. How is your relationship with your mom changed since you've had a baby, that's kind of a sad subject because, um, well it's just because of the pandemic. My mom is just I think there's a certain sect of person who is just completely terrified. They watch MSNBC all day long. They're afraid of COVID, they're afraid of everything, and they're just not able to be mobile in their life. I guess, but

we did. So she's seen her a couple of times, I know, But I think that it was so crazy because you never really know when you have a kid who's going to be the good grandparents, because you can think it's going to be like my husband's mom moved here to be close to our child. Little did I know it was to be close to Mosha. So she's like always wanting to come over to hang out with Mosha, and I'm like, could you watch the kid? Hello. She's deaf,

so she's very into her technology. So she's always got like a Fannie pack with two phones and I pad around her neck. You know, she's got chords wrapped around her. She's very like tech tech person. So maybe maybe it's hard for her to communicate with with my kid because she doesn't speak. I'm trying to teach her sign language, but it's it's very hard. Well, this that's a perfect opportunity for her to teach her sign, Like that's what I thought. Yeah, I know, it's weird. Grandparents are weird.

She lives three blocks away. I mean it's it's it boggles my mind. And so she over there every single day. Mosha goes there like twice a week to have like tea and dinner and then we all hang out once a week. That was something I learned in therapy. The therapist was like, I think once a week is good for his family. He wants to spend more time and that works out good. But I really do like them. But yeah, it's it's just challenging because I thought it

would be a built in babysitter. But it's okay. I mean it's it's loving. Do you have somebody that helps you, like a nanny or a baby it's well, now she's in school, so I did have a nanny. But the real hard part is before school starts. I mean you're like alone with them all day long doing chores. It's pretty intense. Chelsea. I don't think you're ever going to do this. No, I'm not. I'm forty seven. Where is my baby going to come out of? I mean, what

over age yours is great? Forever? Is it? Maybe I can house a baby just gonna be a stir ogay for somebody else. Yeah, I'm amazed by anybody who's a parent. I just beem amazed by it. It's just so hard. It's so hard to remain patient and be gentle and loving to someone who is requiring all of your attention. Yeah, And also, like when you're in the prime of your life and then you're having this child, it's it's a little bit of a different situation than when our parents

had us, you know. I feel like and this IVF has really afforded women like two extra decades to like have their career, make some money, have fun, party, try out different partners. You know. I think all that pressure to like have the babies in your thirties is really stressful because like guys suck and it's hard to find someone who could be a good partner. And to me,

that was really important. So I'm so grateful to IVF and that it's this thing that our parents weren't able to do that we're able to do and just start our families a little later. Yeah, that's a good point. It gives people a lot more foundation so that you are more independent by the time you have a kid, so speak, earning years are like what forties, thirties, forties, But if you fifties maybe, I hope. But if you have a young kid, it's rough. That's why I'm so jealous.

People like Reese Witherspoon's got like an adult child. She's the same age as me, but like her child like seven, No, not that old, but you know, like I think it's like now, I'm like, it's hard keeping up the energy sometimes, but it's you know, but it also probably gives you a lot of energy totally because you have to like you have to be there. Can't just like fucking cop out. That's why you got to have a partner. Yeah, and some extra nightqual for the baby. Um, we're gonna take callers,

and people are going to call in for advice. I'm assuming on the subject of parenting. We've got some parenting stuff. We've got some marriage. Marital questions are my favorite, some relationship stuff. Let's try it. I mean, I feel like I'm too honest. That's what you need to be. These people all need to kick in the ass. Usually they want a kick. Most It gets mad at me because I tell so many people to break up, But I just feel like I don't know. I mean, sometimes you

can just sense it. But we'll see, we'll see what we got. Yeah. Yeah, Well we'll take a quick break and then we'll be right back and we're back. We're back. Well. Our first question is about parenting and comes from tired mom. She says, my four year old son has been in a big boy bed for about two and a half years now. When he was in his crib, he was

the best sleeper and never tried to get out of it. However, I can count on one hand the number of nights he stayed in bed for the entire night over the past two plus years. Every night, at some point he comes running down the stairs and jumps in between my husband and I in our bed. I feel like I've tried everything, and many nights were so exhausted that one of us just goes up and sleeps in his bed

with him. It's starting to really affect us. Our sleep is horrible because he moves around all night or wants to snuggle so close it's suffocating. Any advice I love the podcast. Sincerely tired Mom in New Hampshire. That's funny. We had another emailer who went by tired Mom who wrote in a couple of weeks ago, can't they just put it back in the crib? Well, no, I think she's saying, it's like a it's like a walking age. Put him back in the crib. He seemed to like

the crib. Well, nobody, they climb out of the crib and they'll believe me. This is very hard. First of all, I want to say, I have three elderly chawas. I can't get out of my bed so and they're like disgusting and I don't even know how. I don't know how this happened. I know it really is. I have. I've been changing the sheets like every other day and it's very hard. But to answer the question, I mean,

I did something that's probably people think is wrong. But like she had, we had a lock on her door, and I don't think she knew that she could come out of the room until she was like four, But I mean I think she didn't know that that was an option. No, maybe three, And then she slowly was like oh, because it's like you can get them on Amazon and like she's safe. We have a monitor, but like you know, when she could start walking up because she was she was a very early climber out of

the crib or you know. Like so now she's just on a bed, and but she definitely comes into the room. One thing you can do is you can wake them up at like midnight and have them pee, because then they don't have to pee at like four am. So then if you can control because I think that's what's waking them up a lot of times is peeing. So that's something. And then the other thing is you just have to be really strict about it. Like he said, Chelsea, you just have to say you have to go back

to your room. It's kind of like the same thing with the dog. You can train the dogs to not sleep in your bed. It just takes energy and work. But um inconsistency and consistency. But if you can like put one of those little Amazon like the door knob holders like that worked for us until she was three, and then she does get into our bed a lot, but usually it's around seven am now, and so that's about what it sounds like with this four year old though that since he's already been out of his door.

If you put a lock on his door, he's gonna So you're gonna have to just be consistent about taking him back upstairs and explaining to him that he's no lot, he's too big to sleep with you. Guys, he can't sleep with you anymore. You know. It's crazy though. That's why it's so fun to hear Chelsea's version of it, because I'm like, yes, that's right, but then why is my kid coming in my bed every night? Because you're right, it's just because they're so tired in the middle of

the night and it's upstairs. The idea of bringing him back up there is too annoying, and they have to go do it and like do it every single time, and then eventually he just gets the message. I mean, it's like training a dog. I have a friend who will like tell kids, and we've done this before to like, if you can do seven nights of not coming into

the room, you can like get this present. And my friend actually bought his kid and Incanto Lego lego set and showed it to her and was like, you can have this the carrot seven days if we cross out every day. But then there's other forms that you know, other mothers on Instagram or like don't bribe your children, gives a funk with anybody, whatever the fuck you can do to get your kid to sleep in their beds.

I agree with that. Yeah, and they take enough energy as it is if you're not sleeping on top of that, like it's over exactly, and like you know, it's it's it's better because I remember I knew a kid who was like seven or eight and slept with his mom, and it seemed weird. You don't you know that that's

going to come up before you know it. Also, if you do choose not the carrot version of bribery but the stick version, there's gonna be like what's the difference, I'm sorry, Oh, Like carrot is the like put the carrot in front of the donkey to get it to go, versus like hitting it with a stick. Obviously not hitting kids with sticks. But I think you're gonna have like some terrible nights if you just get really strict about it,

like you said, but it will quickly pass. It's you know, it's like, yeah, it's like your first week at the gym when you haven't gone in five years, Like it's not fun, but you're gonna you're gonna be happy that you made those in roads. I have one more thing to say too. I had. I had this revelation because it is like, my kid is so cute. It's so

hard to say no to her. She's so excited about any kind of like she hasn't tasted every sweet, so she tastes something and she's like, this is blowing my mind. Like you know, it's so fun to give them stuff. And I was watching the Amy Winehouse documentary and her mom and it was a very tragic story obviously, and her I remember her mom said I could never say no to Amy, and I remember thinking like, this is what's this is what could happen if I can't say

no to her because it is so hard. So I'm actually trying, almost as a religio in to say no to her because she's just like, Mom, can I have this? Please? Please? Can I have it? In this many minutes? And then she'll blink her eyes and I'm just like, this is like impossible. And then it doesn't hurt me to give her something or give her the extra things she wants.

But it's just like a vibe. I don't know, it's a culture, and I don't think you want to create a culture where the kid is like ruling your life. Uh huh. I totally get that. There's someone in my life.

The kids are in college now, but they had this sort of parental situation where like mom and dad weren't getting along anymore, and they wound up divorcing, and like one of them decided to join the military and the other one converted to Catholicism even though no one in their family is Catholic, And it was like, what's going on there? And we kind of realized they just really had a desire for some structure in their lives and

some boundaries that they didn't get growing up. Whether or not they realize that's what they're doing, it kind of seems like that. It's so true. It's like you crave boundaries and structure. Like when I grew up, I don't think anyone ever said no to me either, and I was so spoiled and so entitled. And remember my grandmother talking to my mom, going, she's so spoiled, and I was like, so what that's good? You know, like I'm

living my best life. But when I grew up, I had no structure as an adult, Like I still don't have structure. The only structure I have, like when I did Chelsea Lately, I had. The structure of the show was the structure that I had never had my whole life. Like I had people constantly having to know where I was when I was coming in, when I was going to arrive for this, and I felt like I was being parented for the very first time at my own talk show because everyone had to know where I was.

And I remember like drawing that correlation, and I was like, Oh, that's why that worked out for me, because finally I had somewhere to be. Like even now, I'm so like, you know, structure list, Like if I don't have anything to do all day, I could easily find myself in bed from like you know, noon to five watching TV. You'd be reading, though you sometimes sometimes I read, but sometimes I don't. Sometimes I'm just like, funk, no one needs me today. I could do where the funk I want. Yes,

I was outside in my back yard. I'm in this rental house. I was outside reading a book and then I was like I looked over at the little stand or the little table next to the chair I was in, and I saw joints and I was like, oh, I'll smoke a joint. And I was like, I guess I'll take that. And then I was thinking, look at you, your fucking asshole, Like I just see an idea and I'm like, I could do that. You know, there's no structure and there never will be in my life because

I'm just not like that. But you had a bunch of brothers and sisters, right, I didn't. They didn't provide structure. They didn't take away from people saying yes to you know, they did too because they were just like and I was so loud and obnoxious that they just wanted me

to shut up. I remember once my my mom and my brother Roy were in our living room and I would throw tantrums if I didn't get what I wanted, just the road kick and scream like seven eight years old, right bang my head against the glass window and be like I wanted. And I remember my mom. I couldn't have been even ten years old, and I remember my

mom going, just let her keep hitting her head. I'm so sick of it, just let her and my brother goes, oh, and then they both walked out of the room, and I was like, I hit my head harder, you know. I'm like, I'll break this glass and then they'll be sorry. It's amazing I have like any sort of normal behavior at all, quite frankly, but you're such a successful person, maybe it's okay to maybe. I mean, that's the thing. It's like nobody knows what's right. You just have to

kind of go with your instincts. And I do feel like having an only child and like sometimes, you know, I'm putting her shoes and socks on, and motion is trying to brush her hair, and we're like it is everything okay, And then she's bawling and you're like, what's wrong and she's like pine cones to nature ee and you're like, oh can I can I switch it out

for you a different pine. So it's like it's very you know, that's not good, Like we we have too much energy, we have too much time for just her, Like there's not like nine kids dispersing it, or even two kids or whatever. So I just feel like you have to really watch yourself and make sure that they aren't becoming like totally tyrants, I suppose. But that being said, that's a very cute thought of Chelsea screaming for what she wants. I will crack my skull against this window

if I don't get strawberry shortcake. All yeah. I was telling the story the other night on stage. I was like, I used to go I used to have like Turette's for like a year. I think I was auditioning Tourette's. And I would go behind. My dad would, being a lazy boy, would sit in the couch in the in a living room watching the stock market all day long for what. I don't know, because he had no money in the stock market, and but like remember that scroll on the bottom of the TV, like NASDAC or whatever.

And he would watch it and I would stand behind him and I would just be like fuck pussy, cunt ship, motherfucker, fuck fuck shit, and my mom my dad like Chelsea, what are you saying right now? And I'm like nothing, And then my mom he'd like rita, my mom, and he's like Rida, she's doing it again, and my mom like, sweetie, you can't talk like that. I'm like, I didn't say anything. And then I'd be like fuck, motherfucker. Cut liquor sticks. I was like Psycho, and I was like, that's Taurette's No,

that's that's a female comedian in the making. I think I remember Sarah's the Women saying that that's when she knew, like she would be at the grocery store saying swear words to people like in the in the little car. I think it's like, it's a very female funny woman person. Have you spoken to Sarah recently? She had her tonsils removed, and it's almost like she has been lobotomized. She is and she's been recuperating for like two weeks, and she's

and I'm like, I don't know what. I can't talk, well, she can, but it's just brutal, like what happens when tonsils are taking I told her, I'm like, I got my tonsils out and I went for a jog that night, and she marco poloed me and she's like, I don't know what kind of jog he went on, but I've been in bed for two weeks. And I was like, oh, maybe I met my wisdom teeth. Maybe I got my wisdom teeth removed, not my tonsils. Does everyone get there?

But it does sound like a real common procedure. Yeah, and it's but it's big, it's invasive, and you're really like because you have stitches in your throat. I'll check on her. You got carried away with person stories. Our next color is Regina and she'll join us as well. To your Chelsea, I'm a thirty six year old lesbian writing to you from Los Angeles, California. I've been at my company for fourteen years and absolutely love my job.

In March of this year, a twenty seven year old coworker of mine who had been at the company for one year, began flirting with me. I flirted back because it was fun and seemed harmless at first, since she had to live in girlfriend of two years. We've been friends since she came to the company, and I did not see her as someone who would ultimately cheat. Well. After about two months of flirting, feelings began to surface,

and we subsequently slept together by May. Since that first time, our feelings for each other have continued to become more intense. We've grown incredibly close, continue to have sex as often as possible, and now we are in love with each other. While she has told her girlfriend that she isn't happy in their relationship. Her girlfriend has no idea girlfriend us. She still has no idea her partner is having an affair, and she does not have a plan when it comes

to how to resolve the situation. She can't make up her mind of what she wants to do. I have no interest in going out and dating other people, and while I know I shouldn't wait around for her to figure out what she wants, I find myself feeling stuck and doing just that. Because we work so closely together, ending the affair seems almost impossible. Given the fact that I see her most hours of the day. I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I want to be with her, but I don't want to wait

around hoping she'll pick me. Any advice you have would be so appreciated. Regina, Hi, Regina Hi, Hi. Natasha la Jaros here today as our special guests. Hi. Hi, Okay, Well, hot and heavy and lesbian love affairs. I love it. I mean I have some news for you. Yeah, she's a cheater, right, I mean, this is someone who is capable of being pretty too faced and a liar, and I would be very cautious about because, you know, if it was just about her casually dating someone else and

needing to pick you. That's a different story. That's a that's a hey, you know what, I have feelings for you. I'd like to be with you. Let me know what you want to do. But this is a little this is too much for me to have you have this other person. But I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who's that deceitful. But how long have you guys been having an affair since May? It's about six months? Yeah, I mean I think that's enough time.

Like I understand, people cheat, people have relationships and stuff. It's not ideal, but it happens all the time. I've had experiences with people that have been in relationships. I mean, actually once, not more than once, because I didn't want to repeat that. I don't want to make that a habit, and I'm sure you don't either. But I think that's enough time. You've established that you're in love with her. She's probably established the same thing. You feel that way.

I understand you see her every day and that very difficult, but I think out of respect for yourself, you really have to like draw the line in the sand and say, okay, we've experimented with this. It's been six months. That's been plenty of time for you to unravel your past relationship. We all understand breaking up is difficult, but the way that you see it's like it's just too deceitful. You can't be a part of this anymore. You can't be

a participant in somebody who's lying to their spouse. I mean, even if they're not married, they're in a relationship and she is actively lying and you are too because of it. And you're not so weak that you can't control yourself. You may think that, but that's not true. You can control yourself. And I think laying down a boundary is going to bring everything to the surface, because if she's

going to leave this woman, she will. Then if you're like, I'm not participating in this anymore, I can't have good mind have an affair with somebody that's in a relationship. Either you want to be with me, and if you don't want to be with me, that's fine, but I'm not doing this anymore. You know. I think you have to really stand up for yourself and stand up for that other woman too, because is you would never want this to happen to anyone, and it's karmically. It's just

so bad to participating this kind of ship. And you said you work together. Yeah, that's an issue because you really need some space from her and she's breaking up with a long term partner is not easy, and so it's something that you guys kind of need your individual space for. So I would maybe try to look and see how how you could achieve that. I don't know the particular situation, but you can't be like breaking up with your lover and then see them every day at work.

I mean, that's so hard. That's why they say, don't do that exactly right, And I mean I I certainly didn't intend for it to get to the place that it's now gotten to, but it is where we are. And I agree that I have initiated a stopping of this, like let's take a break so you can figure this out. And I have trouble with boundaries anyways, But when it comes to seeing her day in and day out, it I like what you said, Chelsea, it feels impossible, but

I know that it's not. It just it feels that way. No, You're gonna also have a lot more to respect for yourself when you stand up and say like, I'm sorry, but this is kind of beneath both of us because it is that's a good way to say it. But you can't then fuck her. She just did the astex motion, you know. Yeah. I think like when you make statements and proclamations like what I'm telling you to do, you

really have to stand behind them. If I'm in a relationship with somebody and I say something, I I didn't always do this, but I in my adult life, I mean it. There are boundaries and there are behaviors that are beneath me, and I won't participate in that, and I won't let anyone treat me in a way that doesn't feel like that I'm as excellent as I am, which is how you should see yourself. Do you have

like a break coming up? Because I think it can really help to just like completely cut off contact if possible, for like even two weeks or something. So, So what's what's really helpful and falls in with good timing here is that I'm going to South America tomorrow for eleven days. Great, there you go, and I you don't want to talk to her while while you're there, So I think you need to have this conversation with her before you go. Let her know you're gonna take a little time to yourself.

You're not happy with things how they are. You don't want to keep being deceitful. It doesn't sit right with you. So if she wants to continue with you, she's going to have to like talk to her person and change the situation and ask her maybe to not contact you. What do you think about that time? Yeah, I'm down with that, but I'm just so the job situation. Katherine told me what you did. Is there any possibility of you changing that job situation and getting a job elsewhere

or well? Yeah, I mean I I put in the in the email that you know, she's worked here for about a year and a half. I've been here fourteen years, and I mean, I've really like earned my tenure here in my career and it's curtainly not a position that I favored to have to leave, right But I think that it probably falls more in the line of something that she could do, but it's not in the cards in the immediate future. I mean, I I'm certainly not going to give up what I have with my career

for Okay, yeah, then that's then that's settled. Then you don't have to you've been there for a long time. Absolutely, But you're stronger than you think, So I think I think you should have this conversation with her today and mean it. You know what I mean, and mean it. Obviously, when we break up with somebody, we vacillate, we miss them. We're like, oh, well, maybe if I do this, they'll

finally see the light. Or maybe if I if they see me one more time or talk to me one more time, it's like, no, no, just act in honor and with honor, and I'm sure what's supposed to happen is going to happen. And she obviously needs one last push to get rid of that relationship. It's obviously not working for her either. It's probably not sexually working for her. It might be working for her in other ways, but

she's clearly getting her sex from you. And I'll have sex with you if you want it, but don't forget to tell her all the things you really like about her. If you do think that you guys could have a future together, you don't want to just be like scolding her. No, no, no, no. It's a very adult way, just like two part ways. It's just in an adult way, like I'm so sorry, but just use that language. This is beneath both of us, and I'm not I'm not cool with it anymore. So

I need my space. I would like to, you know, just move on and if you want to come back, and you know, if you're going to break up, then we have something to talk about. Otherwise we don't. That's great.

And I have one more thing to add to it that I think could really help, because I have a lot of success with scripts because like I can get like talked into things really easily, and so I find if I make a phone call it's best and I write down what I want to say for these really important conversations sometimes if it makes sense for it to not be in person, and just like you can just keep referencing it and repeating it, you know, and then you can just kind of say you have to go,

because then they can't pull you into like the thing that Chelsea said, this has beneath you can just keep repeating it in different ways, and like then it's not in person and you forget what you're thinking and they get you off track and then they start sucking right, there's no chance of your fucking if you're not if you're on the phone and when that's and that's was one of the comments I was going to make, is that, you know, the two times that I've said let's stop,

like to you know, to give it her a break and take some time, I really meant it in the moment, right, I really felt that way in that moment. And whatever time passes by a day or two and I see her at work and I'm like, well, fuck, I don't

feel that way anymore. You know, I'm not I don't feel so like angry about it or and I just kind of like fall back in Well, you've thought about it a little more deeply now, and you know that it's not sitting well with you because more time has passed and more deceit and more you know that it's horrible for someone to be lying to their partner, you know, like it's happened to me, It's happened to probably most people.

But it is like the most horrifying feeling to know that someone's like fucking someone else when they're with you and not telling you. It's really it's really awful. And I think you raised a really good point right at the beginning, Natasha as well, like if you were to be the one who she picked, is there ever a point that you would be thinking, who is she out there fucking? Like? Who is she out there cheating on me? With? Right?

I mean, listen, I don't think everyone who cheats on their spouse is a lifelong cheater, like or their partner. Like I think certain people fall in love and then they find the right person. I don't think they're always you know, I don't define people in that way. So I don't want you to feel hopeless that she's not a possibility if she does the right thing now. But yeah,

all of that stuff is stuff to consider. And you know you've already attempted to break up with her a couple of times, Like now you can do it, so you know that the writing is on the wall, and like you're strong enough to do it, and you're gonna feel dignified about it. You're right, Chelsea, I've cheated on people before. Yeah, but I'm not a cheater, right right, Well,

that's right, fair, I mean same here. Yeah, just one final question though, if I if I have that conversation which I plan on having, tomorrow because my flights tomorrow night, and I just as we talked about, I'll write the script out do all those things. Can I have sex with her one more time? No? Oh, you can master bait like this is a test for you, and you need to fucking follow up with us now that you just said that, you need to follow up with us

in one month. No more sex. You're stronger than sex. Sex is whatever. You can go funk people in South America. I mean, what are you talking about. There are people everywhere to have sex with. It's just really but don't say it's just really really good. It's not worth it anymore. You had enough sex with her? That's enough, Jesus. Can I have sex with her one more time? There's the title of this episode. Anyway, have fun in South America.

No more pussy pounding until you get there. Okay, and just wait and I probably I bet you it's gonna all work out exactly the way you want it, by being strong, not by being weak. And download whatever the grinder app is in South America. Yes, the women are hot down there. Yeah that's true. That's a good point. Yeah, good luck, honey, all right, thank you so much. Follow up with us in a month. I want to hear what happens. Okay, okay, okay, thanks. That was a good reminder, Chelsea.

People aren't always cheaters. I guess I was, but I just mean, like, if you're the person cheating with them, like, I don't know that I would get past thinking like who are they out? You know, it's I think people can change, but I just think I used to be so jealous of like hot Nanny's hot people coming over, and then the pandemic happened and I was just like, take him, come on, like this will make my life easier, you can. I used to like try to wear cute outfits,

not like I don't want to look too sexy. Oh no, this is see through from Uh. Well, let's take a quick break and we'll be right back. And we're back. We're back. Well, this is the part of the show, Natasha where I would like to know if you have any advice you'd like to get from Chelsea. Do would you like some parenting advice? Well, I know that we're similar, like we both like nice things, you know. I take pride in my things. I like my house a certain way,

and that's a thing of the past. Pretty much. However, I don't want to nag my husband, so and I've already told him like twice. So I have these like beautiful towels that have my name on them that I had monogrammed because like that's just special to me. I like old Hollywood, Like I thought it was cool. He when he leaves the bedroom, we're supposed to put a peepad out for the dogs. He's been using my monogrammed towels but laying them out, like all spread out, so

that's where they pee. They're white, they say Natasha on them. I've already told him once and I'm like, please, don't use those towels. He's like, cool, so they don't be on the wood floor and I'm like no, And so then he did it again. And I know if I say some thing, but like what would you do? You would? Isn't that appalling? Yeah? It's sucking appalling. I mean honestly, I fucking screamed at him, like what what doesn't mean? What's well? No, I mean not about a towel, but

I mean, what doesn't he get about the situation? How much? Why do you have to be more clear than that? Why is he using those towels, and don't you guys use pepads. We have pepads. He has a d D, so he thinks he's like killing it because he remembers. Does he take adderall? No, you think he needs that? Yeah, everyone get him on adderall. There's a pill for every solution.

Every problem, there's a pill solution. No. I think if people have a d D and they're not actively trying to d program the a d D, then yeah, they should be on adderall because it fucking makes you focus. But so deep program I mean yeah, but that's like meditation and you know, like you have to really focus. I had really bad a d D and I do not have it anymore. Really, yes, I have gotten rid of it, really yeah, with a lot of men titation and concentration. Like I put my phone away, I read,

you know, I sometimes it comes back in. But I used to be in the middle of conversations and just be like, what is happening right now? You know what I mean? My mind would be off in a million different directions, and I'm not like that anymore. Would you like lose your phone and be scatter brained? I always I was a hot mess, for sure, because like he never has his credit card, he never has his light. Everything. There's a chaos that I'm enveloped in and it's very hard.

And can you just put those towels somewhere where he can't find them? I mean they are I'd like to keep them in the bathroom, right, but I guess I could get a safe or you or you could just put nice little post it notes on them saying do not touch these. Yeah, I know it's it's because it's like and then you want to get nice things for them, for these guys, and it's like they don't deserve, they don't appreciate nice towels, and he doesn't care. Can you use those to clean up the dog pist? Well, I

mean it wasn't even leaving. It wasn't even to clean up the dog pist. It was he was laying it out as a nice little thing for the dogs to deficate on. But yeah, it's the a d D. And it does keep coming back in all these different ways. A d D is so annoying to be around. It's any I know that I thought it was cute, and then once we had the kid, it became something a little less manageable. You should have him try and adderall. I know it's like terrible to say, but it's like

such a good solution. Like my friend's dad is on it, and he I go, what's it like if you don't take it? He's like, I can't focus on anything. I'm all over the place. I go to the store and I forget where I'm going. I get distracted with this and then i'll talk to you a person. I forget what I have to do. He's like, my whole life is different, Like on my quality of life, I'm able to like go from A to B to C two D. He's like, I had no idea you could live like that.

So for people who have serious A D D, adderall is you know, that's what kids take or riddle in, depending on what you have. But yeah, I don't know. I think that's a good solution. But he's sober, so that that's an issue, so we can't take out of all. I don't know. I did have a boyfriend once who sober, and he acted like when his adderall came, it was like he was snorting it and it was like he had adderall for thirty days, but like the twenty feet day he was out of it, he'd start freaking out.

Most is not like that, but yeah, who knows. I don't know. A lot of people think it's gonna like dull their creativity, and I find that to be a misnomer too, or a fallacy. I should say, a lot of people say that and then they take it and you're like, no, you're much better this way. But yeah, you're right. It's definitely suddictive because people use it to party. Maybe he should start doing cocaine, or maybe you should just yeah, I mean, is there a possibility of you

getting out of the marriage. I'm taking my towels with me. Well, I'm I hope he answered your towel question, even though I know we did it. No, I know, it was just kind of like a I wanted you to know that's what happens. It was like barely a question for advice, because there really isn't anything you can do except pity me and be glad that I'm not in that situation. But the world would deserve your children. Thank you. The world deserves my children is Natasha la Jarrow's book. Order one,

or go to an independent bookstore and buy one. Support independent bookstores, or order one from Amazon, whatever floats your boat. But please get this book because it's so fucking funny. Yes, and it comes out in November. Fifteen, comes out in November, and I'll be on a tour. I'm going to Philly, Boston, Nashville, Denver, Chicago, and my homeland, Maria. What is that, Natasha la dot com? Is that where people can tickets? Okay, all right, thank

you Natasha. It's always a pleasure to be around you. Thank you you too. I'm so excited. So I am winding up my stand up tour. Vaccinated and Horning is coming to a screeching halt at the end of the year. I have my last dates coming up, and these are the last opportunities. You have to also buy merch from the website Chelsea Hammler dot com. If you want Vaccinating Horny Captain's hats, let's say where the Captain's now for women only? Our t shirts for men in your family

that say I'm sorry because they should be. I only have a few dates left. Two shows in Tampa, a show in Fort Myers, Florida, Daytona Beach, Hollywood, Florida, Concord, New Hampshire, Wooster Mass, Wilkes Berry, Pennsylvania, Wilke's Berry, Pennsylvania. There I said it, and then San Diego and Riverside, California, and then Baltimore, Maryland, and then my very last date is December six in Reading, Pennsylvania. If you are enjoying what you're hearing, you can subscribe to Dear Chelsea. That

is our podcast, and you can rate us if you want. Yeah, that's a great idea. It actually makes a huge difference for this podcast, for any podcast that you like, subscribing giving it a rating actually make a huge difference in who all we gets served too, and helping spread the word. Okay, Yeah, subscribe and and and comment, yeah, and follow. So if you'd like advice from Chelsea, see just send us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com. Dear

Chelsea is a production of I Heart Radio. Executive produced by Nick Stuff, produced by Catherine Law, and edited and engineered by Brad Dickert.