Hi Catherine, Hi Chelsea.
Hi, greetings from down on DR.
I'm currently in Australia, so it was very hard to find a good time for us to do an intro for this week's episode.
I know, for you it is a very early morning and for me it's late afternoon.
You know.
It's funny though, no matter where I travel, I wake.
Up at six am every day, so it's almost like time zones Stone Execs.
Although I do go to For the first three days.
In New Zealand, I went to bed at six thirty and then luckily I had a show, so I had to fucking stay up because I had to perform.
So we had a show and I got you up in Adam.
Huh.
Yeah. We were in New Zealand for three days.
With Auckland, which was gorgeous. I'm with my cousin Molly, who you know, yes, and she and I went to beaches, black Sand Beaches.
We did a bunch of touristy stuff.
And then we went to Wellington, New Zealand, which was really cute and like kind of an artsy kind of city.
I'd never been there, and then that was home to Lord of the Rings.
And even though we told my driver, our driver several times that we had absolutely no interest in Lord of the Rings, nor had we ever seen the movie.
He took us to the Lord of the New Rings.
Museum and before we knew it, we were holding swords and standing with those giant I don't know what those people are called.
Are they, Toby Maire? I don't even know wizards. I don't understand what.
You don't love a hobbit, Chelsey, Well, I do.
I love, of course, I love the shape of a hobbit, But I don't love the backstory of a hobbit.
No, you know, I like things rooted in reality.
So we did that, and then we went to Melbourne and the shows have been so much fun.
They've been so fun.
The audiences have been great, and the openers are fun because it's all new people.
I don't know.
And then I did a little radio and TV. I assaulted some television personality already. He made a bad joke and I had to ream him without I mean, I didn't have a chance.
He didn't have a chance, actually, but I couldn't.
Even he tried to interview me.
I'm like, let's just back up to your personality and discuss that for a second.
I mean, listen, if there's one way to go viral down under, then you figured it out.
Well, you know me, I'm always trying to go viral or get a virus.
I mean, you can't even catch one of those in New Zealand because they locked it all down.
No, you can't.
You can't get sick in New Zealand.
However, somehow my cousin has an eye infection and she thinks that I'm a yeah, she has caught some sort of eye affection, which she's convinced she caught from me.
I'm like, I.
Don't have an eye infection, ha ha.
She was wearing a mask around me for the first forty eight hours. She wouldn't take her.
Mask off, and then she got it right in the eye. Yeah, and then she got it right in the eye.
So I was like, look who's now, Look who's got an affection?
Oh my goodness. Yeah, I saw you're a very cute love letter on Instagram to Molly.
Oh yes, yes, yes.
And then I did I did a video with all my supplements that I take on the road, and I got a lot of feedback about the different supplements I take and people thinking that I have an opioid addiction because I take low dose now trex alone, so apparently I'm addicted to heroin on top of everything.
I mean, what am I gonna do next?
I always knew you were the type I know, I know I was bound to happen at some point.
Yeah. Well, Chelsea, we are very excited that you're coming home to us soon. But I hope that you have an awesome time in Australia for the next couple of weeks. But Chelsea, I know you've got some really big shows coming up.
Yes, I have a huge show.
It's the Santa Barbara Bowl which is August seventeenth that I want to promote.
And then I have a.
Big show at the Brooklyn Theater.
The King's Theater, which is awesome. I'm doing that in Where am I doing that?
Brooklyn?
Oh, November eighth, I'm coming to Brooklyn, and then I want to promote.
I mean, I'm doing all sorts of cities in between.
Then I'm coming to Hawaii for July nineteenth and twentieth, and then also my Vegas dates which starts September first in Vegas, and then I have November two and I have November thirtieth and then three more dates so in Vegas.
But yes, check Chelsea Hammer dot com.
Get your tickets now because I'm going to be shooting my special in December and then.
This tour is over.
Fabulous. I'm so excited. It's like always nice when people go to Vegas to perform, because you know, it's like sort of weirdly a central location that everybody goes to, so you just.
Get to I know, the excitement around Vegas is very surprising. I'm very excited. I'm just going to turn every every.
Show into a party and a good luck party because I'm in the When I'm in the casino, people win money.
This has been proof in time and time again.
Whenever I see those ads of you in the top hat, I start like lightly sweating. They're very hot. They're very very hot.
Thank you.
Okay, So our guests today.
You know her from reporting and hosting on the Daily Show and as Honeybee on the Great North.
And she's got a new book of essays called Hello Friends.
Stories of Dating, Destiny and Day Jobs.
Please welcome.
Don't say Sloan, what's up mama?
Hi?
Do you know Catherine? This is my co host Catherine.
Hi, Hi Catherine, nice to meet you.
Likewise, I saw you at the Daily Show when I was hosting guest hosting for a week, and I've been watching you guest host, which you're fucking awesome. Congratulations, thank you. That's a great gig now because you guys all get to host, right, yeah.
They let us all guess we all take turns guests hosting, and so I'm like, yeah, okay, I gotta pay my mortgage. So come on, they'll go.
Yeah, we all have to pay our mortgages. That's a very good point.
I'll say, thank you for reminding our listeners pay your mortgages please. Okay, it's very important. How is it having John Stewart back?
I can say I'm not there for the everyday, day to day, but I do know that it is interesting because, like I probably shouldn't say this, but who cares, there were some guys in the crew who never wore like every year they would give us new merch. That's say because I started with Trevor in twenty seventeen and there were crew guys who would never put on Trevor's merch.
They would only wear John's old merch, to the point where We're just like, there was letters, so it was they a LEO would on uert and they would still be rocketed.
So copy that, copy that, okay. So that's that's the major difference with John being back and okay, copy that.
They can get new jackets with all the letters on it, basically. But I can say that everything feels more settled because when we had the guest hosts, it was like I don't know, we don't know, and you're just like, my check came this week and that's what it was. And it was a year and some change of that and then a strike. So with John being there, even him just being there on Mondays, everyone just seems a lot calmer in the building. I guess this is the worst way to describe it.
Good good, that's fucking awesome. And congratulations on your new book.
Thank you.
It's called Hello.
Friends, Stories of Dating, Destiny and Day Jobs.
You've had a lot of fucked up jobs. I mean, if you survived.
All that shit, you're kind of really well A, you're resilient, but you're almost indestructible.
Well, here's the thing. If you speak Spanish, they'll let you answer anybody's phone. So I fresh out of college. I worked at some shady car lots, and then I managed a not at a body shop. And then I worked for a car insurance company, and I worked for a trash company, a power company. I used to house spanage for theater because I have a theater degree of acting degree.
What don't you have? Don't say a husband.
Name one thing you don't have besides a husband. Name one thing that you need that you don't have.
Oo, a plane. I want a plane.
I don't like.
In fact, we're not allowed to say that. I want to play. I am tired to give a delta my coins. I want to be able to hop on my own ed go wherever I want. But no, I'm in a good place, I said to one of my friends one day. When I made less money, I always knew what I wanted to eat for dinner, and now I'm just like I could do whatever I want, and it's a very interesting place to be in. But I just spend most of my time feeding my mom and my brother because they live with me.
So is that why you know Spanish? Because of Miami? Growing up in Miami.
I started when we moved back to Miami when I was nine. You had to take Spanish every day in school, and I picked it up super quick. I studied it from like nine to eleven, and I picked it up real fast. And I didn't take another Spanish class agains I was fifteen, because in Georgia you don't have to take Spanish class as you have to take them in Miami. But I just picked it up so fast I was just able to keep it so to the time I
was an adult, I was fully bilingual. I mean, there's a lot of words I don't know, but as a lot of English words I don't know.
A studiato para duh d sinco onjos. And I still can't fucking speak Spanish. I had had a lasted this morning, and I get so fucking scared every time someone starts speaking Spanish to me. All I know so many words and so many and I can only write them or say them to myself. As soon as my housekeeper starts talking, I'm like, stop it stop. I can't fucking keep up.
It depends on where the person's from. Sometimes, like I grew up listening to either like Cuban Spanish or like Mexico or El Salvador, so my ear is more tuned to Mexican Spanish because that's who I grew up with and who I grew up around when we moved back to Atlanta, and so it's interesting because like, like I was in Puerto Rico for three weeks filming a movie and I was like, I don't know what these folks
are talking about. But Puerto Rican Spanish is different because they take English words and conjugate them like Spanish.
And it's like totally different dialects.
It's a totally different dialect, but everybody like in the same way, just like people like I don't get it. I'm like in Georgia, if you want if you ask somebody if they want something to drink, it's like you want to coke, And I could be meaning any carbonated beverage, but I'm just asking you if you want to coke, while other places a pop, other places that's soda. It's the
same concept. It's just the different usage of words. But yeah, that's how I learned to speak Spanish was when when we lived in.
Miami, and have you had a lot of Spanish speaking boyfriends.
My first boyfriend was from al Salvador. His grandma didn't hate me because I spoke Spanish, so it's just like, oh my, my, my grandson's dating a black or you're like, oh, like, oh.
Oh yeah.
I was like, I'm not Latin, but you know, when your name is gold to say. And I would be so disappointed to people if I didn't speak Spanish. So but yeah, there's always some boy you can talk to. And then I grew up like I have a whole Mexican family. One of my friends family basically a so you know, I have sisters and brothers and a thousand cousins and their kids and all of that. So I have a a whole network of people that I rely on as family because my family's not close.
Since you've been a little kid, they haven't been close.
Listen, when you have a lot of uncles, you can't be cool with all of them. So like, my mom has four older brothers and my uncle Stevie's great, but my other uncles, well, one of them just passed away, but who cares. We have his dog and that's fine. I don't know why a black man who went through Jim Crow owns a German shepherd, but.
Oh god, oh.
Yeah, tell me about your dating life. What's happening in your life. Now I've heard you talk about dating. You have an affinity towards broke men.
No, they like me, and that's why I'm trying so hard to get from underneath them, literally, because they really think I'm the bee's knees, the cat's pajamas, their way to have a three square meals a day. Yeah, broke men love me, and I'm a tar for them because they have a tendency to think that I don't have high self esteem and I'm not a confident person, which I think is very amusing because google me, sir, So.
You don't like you don't like them in return, They just like you.
They love me because they want to eat today and they know that I'm going to do that. So broke men love me, and they have the best dick because they have to. They have nothing else to offer you. So if you're trying to get dicked down, which I usually am, like a lady does as much as I'm trying to keep them out of my out of my scope. I mean, I've been doing very well for the past
two years and really getting away from these jokers. Because I said on CNN that my New Year's resolution was no more broke dick, and them dudes got very mad.
The broke dick dudes got mad.
Yes, if you reject a man in any way, he's going to get upset.
So there are a lot of.
Dudes bother borrowing their friends' phones to be mad at me on Twitter, and it was the same. I should be glad that even men ry try to talk to me and about d da da da da dah, because we keep having this narrative that men don't have sex with plus size women, which is stupid. My boobs are huge. You sound dumb.
I have dated so many men that do not appreciate big breasts. When I have big breasts, I don't fucking get that. Or they're the most recent guy, well that's okay. He was like an ass man and he was all over my ass, and I was like, I don't really have that much of an ass, So it's like there's not much to get after. But I'm so surprised that men aren't.
Boot men like I.
I'm not a lesbian, but I think boobs are fun boobs aat I would want to get in on that or get after it.
Yeah, we as a society, regardless of your preference or orientation. We all appreciate a nice set of boobs, we all do. We all looked at it. I've seen a girl. I'm like, I am not queer at all, but I have seen a girl and be like, girls got a nice boom totally.
And I think everyone, I know you're a fan of drag race as well. I think everyone is obsessed with boobs. I mean you see the drag queens on there, like they're also obsessed with boops, not just to wear them, but they like play with that. I mean it's a whole thing. Ever is obsessed with.
Boob Well, of course, why wouldn't you be.
They're just like two fun little jugs or big jugs, depending on who's who's who's the owner.
I just have a joke about like gay man grabbing my boobs and being like, sir, we're both not this helps me either one of us. What are we doing right now? This is crazy? And so I just have this joke about like a gay man grabbing my boobs, like putting a car in a Lamborghini and starting a car and getting out. It's just like why are we? Why are we going through this song and dance?
I like your strength and your confidence. Where is that from your childhood? Is that because you had to move around a lot during your childhood and be that?
I mean, I noticed that when I was at the Daily Show.
Actually you're very upfront and not afraid of confrontation.
Whi's so funny that I hate confrontation, but I'm very really I don't like it. But I also have a certain way do people have to treat me? And so when you grow up and you're accustomed to grown adults being disrespectful and rude to you, you know why, It's because you're a black child. And when you become an adult and you get into a workplace that is filled with white people, white people have a tendency in a
workplace to do passive, aggressive, bitch made things. And I'm fucking grown because I'm not trying to have a confrontation with you when I'm trying to have as a conversation with you, And anytime I have a conversation, it's going to be seen as confrontation because you're trying to do fuck shit and I'm not letting you do it. So you can't disrespect me and then smile in my face, and so it's going to be seen as were Also, it's we don't have time. We have to make a show.
I don't have time for your feelings because you didn't have time for mine. So when you told me that I couldn't do this or that I couldn't do that, no one tiptoed around me to make me feel better and to go well, told say we're not sure, No, bitch, hurry up, because you had no problem of trying to make me feel insecure and lacking in this job when you knew I could do it. So now that I have the opportunit unity to go, this needs to be fixed.
I'm not gonna hold your hand because you didn't hold mine. Also, we're all grown. Why am I holding your hand? You know this is wrong? What's the problem. And that's what I don't like when you're with white people at a job. It's a fake sense of community. It's a fake sense of camaraderie, it's a fake sense of caring. You couldn't give a fuck about me if I did not walk
in this building. Again, it affects nobody in any way because as long as y'all are getting a check, as long as Comedy Central still cutting checks, as long as this office is cutting checks, who gives a shit? So y'all can't treat me any kind of way. I'm fucking forty. Who are you talking to? And so that's all it is. It's just if you hit a certain point as a black woman where you're just like no, because you finally realize there are no consequences for me sticking up for myself.
Because in these times I'm appearing to be confident, it's because I am sticking up for myself. I always have to defend me because no one's showing up for me. But it's always gonna see, Well, Dulte was being mean to me, No bitch, you were being disrespectful, and I said, hey, you can't talk to me like that.
This reminds me of America Ferrara's speech in Barbie.
Oh.
I didn't see that movie because I knew it was white woman propaganda, so I didn't go watch it. I know to put in it, but I know the campaign. I thought I was excited about it, and I was like, I'm gonna stay home all right.
Well, and that note, We'll take a break and we'll be right back with Dulce Sloan.
This week, we'd love for you to write in about family secrets. If there's advice you need about something you're trying to uncover or wondering whether to tell somebody the information that you know, write into Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com.
And we're back with Dulce dul say, Hey, hi, Hi, thank you for being on the podcast.
We're gonna take some callers.
Yes, we're gonna give advice to people. Okay, are you good at that, dulcey? Sometimes when are the times that you're good at giving.
Advice when people want to listen to it? Well?
Perfect, These people need help, So here we go.
Okay, they need to listen to it. Well, since we've already talked about boobs, let's take a question about boobs. This is just a write end. She's not joining us, but b says Dear Chelsea. I know you love your boobs and you have amazing ones, so you might not be able to help me so much, but I wanted to reach out to you because I love your point of view. I've always hated my ariolas because they are
what most would consider quote unquote large. I started to realize that when I would see women in movies, TV, topless or in Playboy magazines when I was younger, and now with porn, it seems like all women's ariolas are small except for mine. I don't have very large boobs, and they take up half or more of them. My husband tells me all the time how much he loves my boobs and wants me topless all the time, and I shouldn't hate on them, but I'm really considering ariola
reduction surgery. I feel like if they were smaller, I'd have more confidence and actually want to be topless for my husband more. Do you have thoughts on this? Thank you and love your podcast, b.
Do you have thoughts on this? And I'll say what do you think?
Ma'am? Listen? As someone whose areolas are an a cook, I understand the desire to want to look a certain way. Here is my question. Why are you taking any cues from porn or pornographic material. Those women are manufactured to look a certain way, so they're looking for women that have built a certain way. It's not real. Most women don't look like those women, so you can't use that as what do you? Honestly, what do your friends ariolas look like? That's what you should be gauging them from.
Well, not necessarily, because I once had a vaginal it's situation and I asked my sisters, I'm like, show me you're Pikachu's because I have something that is wrong I think with mine. And then they showed me theirs, and they didn't have what I had. I was like, fucks exactly, you know, but even if somebody does have nice areolas, like when you hyper focus also a everything, don't They said, yes,
it's not fucking real, that's not real. You're to But additionally, when you focus on a body part of yours that you don't like, it exasperates the issue and it becomes bigger and bigger and bigger. Find another bardy part to fucking focus on and take your attention off your tips.
There's nothing wrong with them.
Your husband loves them, Like, how many opportunities are you going to get to be topless other than the bedroom? And in the bedroom you're with somebody that already loves them, Like, I really don't think areola.
Reduction ariala reduction asshole brightening?
All of that is just like it's non that's not the problem. I think you just have to try to get over it.
Yeah, what's the real problem, right, what's the real problem? Are you not comfortable being topless? Are you not comfortable with your body around your husband? I go to Crean Saanas, and I can tell you the women that I see because like, when you're in the wet area, it's women only, and you have to be maked. You can't have on a bathing suit or anything because your clothes can infect the pools or what because they don't if you're closing
with your baby suits clean or whatever. And so you have to take a shower before you get into these pools. And the women that I see that are the most self conscious about their bodies are the women that are quote unquote good shape, the women who are quote unquote thin, and if they're boobs done. It's also the women that
are built like me or bigger than. First of all, the towels are so small, you can't cover up anybody, right, But the women that I see that are hiding the most and being the most self conscious and paying attention to who looks at them are the women who are quote unquote in shape. And so I know, for me, I think what she needs to do is to go to a Korean sauna or place like that where you can see real women's bodies, because sometimes you think that
you're the only one that looks like you. And going to the Korean sauna and seeing other women built like me that have you know, the roles where I have rolls and all this other I was just like, it's not just me.
It's not just you.
And also lean into your shortcomings, Like it's good to lean into the stuff that you don't like about yourself.
I have cellulate on my legs.
I've decided to not give a fuck about that about ten years ago, like I used to cover my legs up or be worried that somebody would see this little who gives a shit, Like at a certain point, it's about self love and it's about you actually giving a shit about yourself. And I'm not saying that you don't. This woman that wrote in what's her name again, I was gonna say Aritzia, and that I'm like cucy, okay, Ritzia. Lean into your shortcomings. This is a good lesson for
any woman listening. You know, none of us are perfect, and you shouldn't be trying to be perfect. Everything that we're both saying is like it's about I love myself, I'm into myself, I respect myself, and I'm self assured. So whatever work it takes you to get to that place is the work that you should be focusing on, you know, not surgically reducing your nipples.
It's like, because i work every day to be nice than myself, and I'm in therapy to be nice and talk nicer than myself. And so I'm not saying that I'm so to a point where I'm just like, I'm completely evolved. But also here's the other thing that people don't think about. Well, you could try to get the ariola reduction surgery and they fuck around and now all of a sudden, your ariola is a cockotte, your nipples.
Are Be careful what you fuck with exactly exactly, you're gonna end up with a nipple on your asshole exactly.
Go to the Korean Spa and then watch them botched.
And then that's hullair right there.
You go, watch botch. Problem solved.
Thank you for calling in Oran, Thank you, Ritzia, Thank you Ritzia.
Yeah, grassies, Well, our next caller is Cheyenne aka Cinnamon. She is thirty two in Wisconsin. She says she says dear Chelsea. First of all, I just like to say thank you for all you've contributed to womankind. My question is a bit obscure, but absolutely something you might be able to help me with. I have a friend, let's call her Sue, who have been friends with for a year or so. When we met, I was waitress at
a strip club. Well, this friend turn into more than a friend for my husband and I. It was my first experience in that situation, and I ended up more irritated and I'm comfortable than I expected, so I wanted to cut it off after an extended talkthrough.
Well so wait, wait, wait, I just want to make sure I'm following her. She's she's the one working at the strip club or they met there. She was, and they met another girl that they brought into the bedroom.
Yes, okay, So flash forward to recently when my husband and I had some serious issues to the point of marriage counseling or possibly being done, and she decides to play both sides of us, saying one thing to me and the opposite to him. I plan on just dropping the bitch as a friend. But here's the catch. Our daughters are best friends and I don't want to ruin that for them. What should I do? Cheyenne aka Cinnamon?
Oh wow, what a sticky situation you found yourself in, Juicy.
Let's up with the nickname. Maybe it's not applicable at all. She just just told us my name was Cinnamon. I don't know why I'm stuck on that.
She's here joining us, Hi, Hi, Hi Cinnamon. Okay, So you worked in a strip club and you met this This woman is just a friend of yours.
She wasn't in the strip club, right, Yeah, she was.
Just a friend. I was a cocktail waitress.
And she came into your place of work, and that's how you guys started hooking up.
Well that's how we started kind of like hanging out and being like, oh, you got kids too, let's hang out, and then it just kind of blossomed from there.
Look at Dulce's face.
I'm listening.
There were some red flags considering she just was very attached from the start.
To both of you, or just to you to me, and like, I.
Resonate with you very much because I fucking hate people a lot.
Interesting, So cocktail.
That was like, ufta, I'm going to not hang out with you every single day because I can't do that.
Okay, So you guys, so you had you had a bunch of dalliances, sorry to use that word, with her and with your husband, and now you've broken up and your husband.
What's the status with you and your husband?
Me and my husband are great, We have no issues.
I introduced her into our relationship to spicything up.
If she was already clany, why would you?
She wasn't clingy a in a weird way, I guess, And because I had never experienced being with another woman, she felt someone I was comfortable enough to try that with.
So when the red flags came, were they before or after you brought her into the marriage?
The red flags and the sense of the friendship was like, she immediately attached to me, and that was like a little overwhelming at first, but then it was chilled out.
And then when I.
Brought her into the marriage, it was okay for like two times, and then it became weird. She was getting mad at my husband for not giving her enough attention.
Yeah, no, that's not going to work out for a threesome. So what's this now? She just your friend? Your daughters are friends. How old are your daughters.
So it's my oldest daughter. She's six and her she has twin girls who are sevenix.
They don't remember three days ago, no.
I mean, but they do.
She breaks my heart because she talks about these girls all she goes, remember when I was friends with so and so, and you know, and it really.
But who cares? That doesn't matter, I know, but it's she's six.
I mean, I had a million best friends before she's gonna she might for this moment she misses them. But this just sounds like a bad situation for you to be immersed in. Like I would try to divorce yourself from the whole situation. It's just too sticky. It's like too many things are happening and you need to clean up your side of the street a little bit more.
And your six year old could take the hit.
She can't.
My family, there was a falling out in my family and I didn't see cousins for years, like over ten, maybe fifteen years, and I had to get over it because what I don't know what happened, And I still don't know because I was a child and it's none of my business. So like, did my little cousin know that we weren't actually related. No, but that wasn't her problem. That wasn't she was nine, So if I said sixteen, I'd been like, Okay, that is because now they have autonomy,
now they know what's happening. She's so little. I don't think you. I know you're worried about like hurting the baby and like taking a friend away from her, But you and your husband are good. You have to continue to be in a place where your family, your unit is good. She's little because think about it, she could have a friend of school. Think of a friend of school that she was talking about in kindergarten. Is she still friends with that kid today?
Yeah?
So the only issue I'm concerned is I do live in a small town. Okay, they see each other, we see each other in public.
That's fine, that's fine. Just take the high road and just be normal. It doesn't have to be like a confrontation. Just be friendly and that's it. Don't be anything more than that, right.
And that's how I've been.
She's been the one who's had an attitude about.
It, but who cares about her no matter.
You're just living your life, doing your thing. It doesn't matter what attitude she has because she's not your friend anymore, so you don't care about that.
I have the coldest shouldered in anybody. When I'm not speaking to someone is very loud.
So right, sometimes when you are speaking to them, you're giving them the cold shoulder too.
Don't say oh no, no, no, no no. You could never speak to someoney give the cold shoulder at the same time as handler.
I disagree, I disagree.
It can be very much like a hello, and that's it, because if miss thing wants to give attitude, we could give attitude. It don't have to be ignoring you, but you need to know we're not speaking so as that my child is, I say say, how did have a daughter?
Thank you?
That we leave it. It can be we see each other in public, good day, ma'am, Good day, ma'am, and then you go on a bunch of good business if she wants to call them, because that's what's going to happen. People always see the person that is acting a donkey. So you can't bring yourself to her level or bring yourself down on her level. But if you want to have an attitude, let her have all the attitude she want.
But at the end of the day, you have to walk into your house and know that your family is good. And if this is a person who's going to bring chaos into your house, her feelings are not. It doesn't matter what her feelings are. It doesn't because what she did is she came in and she caused the problem. If she wanted to act right, then everybody could be getting fucked on a Friday. But this bitch wanted to cause a problem. This is her own fault.
Yeah, Now she's not gonna get fucked on from no or.
To day or whatever that a week it is.
It wasn't even he the one who ended it.
It doesn't matter.
Listen, we're telling you what to do it.
It doesn't matter.
These problems are irrelevant. You just have to keep it very distant with her, but friendly, and that's it. No more getting in, no more inroads.
If you're going to see her, if the issue is seeing her in public, because I feel like that's your main issue with seeing her in public.
We own a bar and a restaurant in our town.
Does she come in? She used to, but she don't know.
She has now put a review, a bad review, and.
That's just gonna happen.
You just yell can fix that.
Yell can fix that.
Yeah, don't say as a hook up at yea anyway, sit up in Cheyenne.
Both of you.
Good luck and just you started this problem, now finish it.
Okay.
Oh I appreciate it. Thank you guys.
Okay, good luck to you.
Thanks.
Was she drinking a cocktail right then? Probably she seemed very listen.
She is a fan. She's probably nervous. She had little juice. I don't know if it was a cocktail. I'm not trying. I don't. I can't speculate. There's no situations where you say to somebody, this is what to do, but no, this is what to do town. You are you already you did the hardest part already was getting her out of your bedroom, right and so if the problem is seeing this bitch in public, just look at her up and down and go about your good life like that can't be. There's something she was I.
Think she wanted to tell us a lot more.
Yeah, exactly, yeah, okay, well, wolb on to tie.
Is it my ex boyfriend?
Oh?
Very hot? Tye is thirty one and says, dear Chelsea, I'm a gay male and I have been seeing a handsome guy. Since July. We hit it off really fast and have been inseparable ever since. He has, however, been unemployed for five years. Since I'm not no, I don't know. He's been working as an uber driver, but his mom has mainly been supporting him. He came from a great medical job that gave him him an abundance of money. I now find myself having to having him living with
me while I front all the bills. He only pays for food and weed. How do I tell this man to get up and fight for a real job.
Get rid of him?
What are you doing? He's applied for numerous jobs, but still unable to contribute to the homestead. Tie and Tie is joining up?
N Sorry, I have to take my medication.
After that, the last Colin reminded me that I needed to take my medication. Hi, Ty, say hi to Dulce Sloan. She's our special guest today.
Hello.
How are you? I'm good friend? How are you? I hear you have a miscreant in your home?
I got something like that, Yeah you do?
This is this is before we give you any advice. Okay, what do you think you need to do?
A great question?
That is a great question. That's why I'm calling in to you.
No, no, no, no, what you're You're not looking for information, You're looking for confirmation. That's what you want. You have something you want to do, but you don't want to do what you have to do. So you asking Chelsea Marie Handler to tell you to do what you know you need to do and what all your friends have told you that you need to do. So tat what do you know you need to do? And you're just waiting for us to give you the green flag to do it?
What I don't want to do is the issue at hand. I really like this guy and feel like I need to help him do No no.
No, no, no no, he hasn't worked in five years.
Wait what he say? What do you not want to do? Tie?
You can break it off.
Her in that's you said it out loud. You set it out loud. Now you ain't gotta get yelled at by me and Chelsea Handler for the next three and a half minutes. You already know what you need to do, absolutely so look, you already know what needs to be done. It already had had hers is you know exactly what you need to do is get this raggedy man out
your house. Now you have the confirmation from three strong women to do what you did not want to do, because everybody, including his mama, probably told you to put him out and break up with him. Am I right?
Maybe a sister, what do you can I just ask you something? What do you like about him?
Dick?
Everybody knows who can keep a broke man in your house with some dick. We already know the answer is Chelsea, And we can go ahead, Tie say it.
I mean you're not wrong, say.
Okay, well, I mean you have to have higher standards than just getting dick, like.
You have to know.
Okay, fine, the artist girl.
I can't ask someone whose ministry is no more broke dick. I already know what the campaign is. You want to be supportive of this person because they're not doing well. But if their mother is supportive and their boyfriend and supportive, this human being has no initiative to get out out of his own and do anything. I know you love this person, but you can love. You can't love somebody
to your detriment. And you know this is what happened, and that's why you know if somebody's sister's going please break up with this man. He ain't shit. You know he's not shit because he could be a perfectly good human being. And that's probably the hardest part, because if he was a bad person, it would be easy to go, sir, pack up your throngs and get out of my home.
But that's not what it is. You love them, they're a good person, that's great, But what he is is using you and his mama so that he can stay indoors. And good dick knows that they can stay indoors if they say, dicking somebody with a good job down. Look at this art you have in your home you're doing? Will did you city out this man's mouth and send him packing? We already, Chelsea, and I have no other words.
How long has he been living with you?
Kind of started off just like how lesbian couple does. He just moved in, Like the first month, he just came in.
Are you a lesbian?
No?
Since July?
Yeah, pretty much like the same month. He just started staying here one night and has left.
Okay, And the fact that he doesn't have a job is about is irksome to you?
Correct?
Yeah, I mean he does uber and that and support.
No, no, listen, listen.
I know, but listen, obviously, we just we told you what needs to happen. This isn't respectful to yourself, never mind to him. You're enabling him, and he's spending his money on weed, which leads me to believe, like, when you don't have a job, how do you get to smoke weed?
That's what the uber's for.
I haven't started selling weed from the uber.
You better get your shit together, buddy.
Okay, my mother said more than one weed is a motivation killer.
Yes, you don't see.
You don't see a lot of very successful people who do drugs anyway, because it's either gonna kill you or take your motivation or take your money. So this person has already showed you what their priorities are.
Well wait, wait, wait, no, no, no, no, I say, okay, and that's.
What I'm saying. But that's what I'm saying. I just said, it doesn't happen for everybody. Because you are a self starter. This person has already showed you were motivated enough. You use the weed to relax. You see what I'm saying. You use the weed to help you.
But what I'm saying is I have a lot to show for my weed. This guy has nothing to show because he's being productive, I know, but I'm saying it in a different ways. I'll say, so he's not This isn't a great Like it would be great if he was super productive and he was high all the time.
Great, that's fun.
But he's homeless, jobless and smoking weed on your sofa. Like you have to look at that view from not being in the situation and realize how absurd it is.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think I'm just holding out and hoping that he gets back into the field that he used to be in.
Well, let him go, get back into the field, and then he can come and you guys can revisit and he can fuck you.
Then what's the field?
Medical device sales?
So like money?
Yeah, I'm good, like very good money.
Yes.
Did he have like a nervous breakdown or something.
Something like that.
Yeah, Oh that's what it is because medical device sales is very commission driven. It's very difficult to do and make a living at it. Oh, so you caught a man in a bad place. That what's happened?
So does that change your advice?
Don't say no, he still a buma has to get out of his house. But now we just don't understand why he's a bum and.
Why you feel bad and you want to like take care of him and nurture him.
Where is the nursery coming from? Because a bum ass do is a bum ass do. But if you're seeing someone, Okay, that makes sense.
Listen.
I'm all about giving people like room for them to grow and correct bad behavior.
But this has been too long.
Five years is too long for him not to be able to get himself back together, and you're not helping him.
Is he in therapy?
You could use that money that he's using on weed for a therapist and he would get a lot more results.
Yes, exactly. Yeah, it's coming up on a ear.
I mean, since this coming up on a ear, I think that's where you have to say, like, either you're contributing to half the bills or bye.
And you have to go to therapy.
That's a perfectly appropriate boundary to set.
Yeah, but you don't seem like you're ready to have that conversation.
That it's coming to that time.
Okay, Well you heard it here from us and we couldn't be louder about it. So let us know report back when you've done something about your situation, and you should think of this as not a matter of it's a matter of respecting him as much as it is a matter of respecting yourself.
Yeah, that is true. All right, awesome, Well I appreciate all your guys advice.
Go get that dick suck now, Okay, thanks, I he ows you. Yeah, before he leaves, have him suck your dick.
Well that's daly.
Okay, Well, obviously that man's earning his keep it. Wow, don't say really is very insightful. Don't you really know how to nail it out right away? You're like, I know exactly what's going on. I feel like I'm looking for more complexity and nuanced and said, no, he's getting his dicks.
No, I got it right now. Yeah, she nailed it.
Everybody listen, Dear Dulce coming out in July, Dear dulcey listen.
If I know anything, it is the tactics and tricks and shenanigans of a poor man, of a broke man trying to stay indoors. He knows what he needs to do. He's gonna suck a dick, and he's gonna eat all your meats and cheeses while you overhe had do good job. Now we know what the campaign is. Get that man some therapy and send them to his mammy house. That's where he needed to go.
Or just get some peanut butter and a dog Chelsea. Sorry, sorry, guys, that's thanks TI. Okay, is there already a dog?
Yeah?
Yeah, you're going to be peanut butter though.
Okay, well no we're not good household.
All right, welcome bye, take care and keep us post dead.
Thanks, thank you to take care.
Okay, we're going to take a break and we're going to be right back to wrap up, which I'll say, sloan, and we're back from our break. Don't say I was very impressed. I mean you're really good at this.
Thank you. Listen, As I've always said, I don't know how to pick a good man, but I know it ain't shit man from fifty paces.
Well, you're also very you're very good at listening to people. That is a very good quality.
Thank you. Thank you. As someone who's been a plus sized black woman my entire life, people love to tell me their problems because America loves a black woman coming to help them with their problems. But also I think it's I would want someone to listen. If I'm writing into somebody or listen. It's I'm always someone that people come to when they have problems, and I'm not always
the person that gets to go to people. So if someone is taking the time to really share what's going on with them with me, I at least owe them enough to listen. But then you have to realize that sometimes people want to abuse that. You're like, ah, because I had a homegirl tell me one time, you've been winding to me about this man for five years. You
ain't going nowhere. I'm not listening no more. And that's what made me go my best friend won't listen to me complain about this man again because I talk about the mechanic in the book. That's who I was complaining about all the time. Because you know, the first person you love, you don't always know how to get unentangled with. But it's all right now. He's married to a lady who's built like a can of soup, so.
So she sounds beautiful, gorgeous.
Don't Say's new book of essays, it's called Hello Friends, Stories of Dating, Destiny and Day Jobs, is available now so order on Amazon and what Else don'll say what else do you want to promote anything else?
I have a lip gloss line with comedian Lace Layer, be called giggle Gloss.
Giggle Gloss, Yes, giggle gloss.
We pack all the orders at my house. I am the distribution center. Me and Lace came up with giggle Gloss as a way to have merch to sell on the road. It was my mom's idea. And so we have six signature colors no more Broke Dick, my ministry, Future Wife, my manifestation, and amos ladies with the men you say hollering at me. And Lace's colors are Purse Vodka, Lafia Majora and I'll show you crazy. And so we're
partnering with other comics. We partner with Katin Blandford for her color horse Girl because stella merch on the road is hard and keep it up with T shirts and all the other stuff was a lot, and so me and Lace wanted to find a way to have merch for us to sell and merch for other comics to sell. And so yeah, giggle Gloss dot com.
You can play smart all right, Delse, Thanks for your time.
Thank you for having me, and I hope I can get that raggingan man out of his half.
Still say's invested. Goodbye, thank you bye. Okay.
So upcoming shows that I have you guys, Auckland, New Zealand, Wellington, New Zealand, Melbourne, Australia, Brisbane in Australia, Sydney, Stralia. We've added second shows to places that have sold out the first and then I'm going to be in Hawaii on Maui, Kahulue, and Honolulu.
I will be there in July.
Also in July, I'm coming to Niagara Falls on July twenty seventh. I'm coming to Hollywood, Florida for my only show in Florida on July twenty eighth. I'll be in Auburn, Washington on August first, and then Santa Rosa, California for my second show August second. August seventeenth is the Santa Barbara Bowl. You do not want to miss that. And then I will be all over Maine, Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston,
South Carolina. I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to Saint Louis and Kansas City, and then I will be in Las Vegas performing at the Chelsea Theater inside the Cosmopolitan Hotel. My first three dates in Vegas our September first, Labor Day weekend, and then November second and November thirtieth.
I'm coming to.
Brooklyn, New York, at the King's Theater on November eighth, and i have tickets on sale throughout the end of the year in December, so if you're in a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem, or San Diego or New Orleans or Omaha, check Chelseahandler dot com for tickets.
Okay, if you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com.