Boomer Apologist with Iliza Shlesin…ger

Hello, Hello, who's there?

Hi?

Chelsea?

Am I speaking to a number one New York Times bestselling author?

Yes you are?

Yes, you are six six times over number one New York Times bestselling author The Phone Call.

I will never get tired of getting in my entire life. I can't believe it.

Oh my really didn't think I was going to be number one this time. I don't know where I got that in my head, but I really didn't. I just thought, oh, it doesn't matter what number I am. I'll be grateful to be on the list. And I'm with number one. And then I thought, oh my god, it happened again. This is my seventh book and my sixth number one New York Times bestseller. Hell, yes, so Yes, hard work pays off, that's the truth.

Yes, and you have been working hard. You've been making the rounds. You're everywhere right now.

And it's really exciting to see. I'm currently in south By Southwest. I'm in Austin, not south By Southwest.

I feel like someone drugged me three days ago because my head is so unclear.

I'm not sure what happened yesterday. I didn't even have a drink.

I had four panels and I still feel like someone drugged me. So I'm like, what is Maybe I did drug me and forgot.

I was gonna say, if anyone drugged you, the most likely culprit is you.

This is true, This is true.

Well, congratulations is so exciting and I'm so happy for you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Everybody who's listening. I hope you've ordered my book or you ordered it downloaded an audible or whatever. But yet I'll have what she's having because it's going around, and I have my European dates up. All of my European dates are officially up now and for sale on Chelsea Himler dot com. And I'll be in Vegas March twenty first for a live new Brand news stand up show March twenty first and April nineteenth, or my next.

Two Vegas states for our fans.

Well, I'm so excited. Our guest today, she is so fantastic.

Oh yes, this is a comedian, so you're in for a good treat and conversation and a female comedian, someone who I have known for years, but I've never really oh no, I used to have her on Chelsea Lately all the time, but I haven't seen her in years Anyway, she's hilarious and her name is actually pronounced Eliza Schlessendurr schlessing gurr. Fuck, it's Eliza Schlessing Gurr. So and she has a new special aut So everybody please go and

Gerr.

I have a rule about hot food on a plane. Yeah, you can't bring hot food. I hear that because everybody can smell.

It, right herbled eggs is a cold food, you know what. It's just visually gross, but I guess they don't smell.

It's not like sulfur. But it is the idea of it as.

Great should be more than just It shouldn't just be hot food. It should there's there should be a list of things that are not tenable for a flight, you know what I mean? Because hardboiled eggs perfect example of those could be fine in a container, in a ziplock container, but as soon as you open the seal, then everyone as exposed to that, so you need to swallow those whole or like.

The Yeah, Mario two, is that gonna vibe with anyone who listens to this member the egg creature that.

Would set off the eggs. Okay, I missed that game.

And remember when times were so simple that you could play Super Mario Brothers. I used to get up at my friend's sleepovers. We would be like ten eleven years old.

And I would set my alarm.

I don't know why I was traveling with an alarm, but I would get up orly. I got set so that I could get on the Maria Super Mario Brothers before the other girls at the sleepover woke up.

Because it's like, no, no, no, I'm already on. You can't push me off. I was not a schedule. So obsessed. I miss being that obsessed with something.

Oh I feel like we are obsessed and we don't realize it.

Like now it's just called an addiction.

Of the phone. You mean, oh yeah, social media.

I have to take it off. I have to take it off every day and put.

It back on. Where do you take it off of?

I take it off my phone, and then I might take it off of your phone, take it off Instagram, and then I have to do this walk of shame where I scroll back to find the password that my social media manager keeps for me. But rather than ask her, I just have it stored to like I'm lying to her, Like it's somewhere in my phone and I just go and I get it and I just erase it every night.

And sounds like you're lying to her and to yourself. I am, this isrloss.

You're so that makes me want to have a coffee. And I don't even drink coffee.

Snack.

I'm not gonna have a snack with that little cookie. Yeah, I like that. So we're at a nice hotel somewhere far, far away. I would love a coffee. Thank you. Okay. First of all, Eliza Selessinger is here.

She has a new special out which is fucking funny as shit. It's called a Different Animal. Are you the animal or is the special the animal?

Both?

I'm the I was just I'm it's different. I think I'm different. I think I wanted to create something different.

I have to say.

First of all, your house is so beautiful, and everyone knows you have so much money.

Well why does everyone think I have so much money? I don't understand where the archways.

It would never occur to me to redo the arch like doorways.

I walked in and you're like, I watched your special and then for a second I was like, oh no, she saw an old one, and like she thinks it's the new one. Someone sent you a link, which is like peak Hollywood Elite. No other podcast had a link.

And I'm like, yeah, because you have people that get the links.

That is so funny. I mean, you got to sneak.

Nobody has seen this and so I'm blown away, well.

As the first person that's officially seen this special. Besides, I'm assuming you or maybe you haven't even seen it yet because you don't even have the link.

I can forward you the link if you want.

I want to say, Ay, you're very prolific as a stand up. This is your seven stand up special. This one is on Amazon Prime. Everybody and Amazon and Hulu are getting into stand up special so like those are good places to watch them too, And everyone now has Amazon Prime. I'm assuming I guess not as many people as Netflix, but it is prevalent and pervasive. I say that is pervasive. Amazon itself is pervasive. But you have

Would you even talk about in the special?

You mentioned in the special, But I love your focus on the different generations about millennials because I don't even know what am?

What am I?

Your generation x x X Okay, so it goes from generation X then millennial.

I hoping i'd say gen Z.

I hope not Noo. Yeah, fucking annoying gen Z. So then gen X No, I'm goes.

It goes well if you go youngest to whatever, it's alpha, which is what my child is or will be gen Z millennial millennial or xennial millennial, elder millennial, which is what I am Generation X baby boomer, silent generation, and then our forefathers.

Okay, so I just know that I'm not a boomer, so I'm the generation after the boomer, Okay.

I really I mean.

And also when you look up generations, it's like sometimes they say, oh, eleven to fifteen years and then sometimes it's a decade, and it's there's different definitions of it all. But never mind that you and your special, you really delineate what the differences are between all of these with a lot of attitude and anger towards towards younger generations from not.

Working title attitude and anger, a lot.

Picking up the baton after you guys, After millennials just like laid out everything for future generations, They're just like, wait, what what do we do?

The first of all, I would.

Just like to go on the record and say boomers are the worst ones because they ruined our planet and they they did they well they did now they had a lot of baby.

Can I say something apologists? Not of them were apologists. She's an elder millennial boomer apologist. I have to say.

There's this thing I wrote about this in my book, like when you accuse a generation of something like what are we expecting that boomers are going to collectively come together and be like we're so sorry when we all have those Amazon accounts, like we all postmate stuff, we

So they laid the groundwork but the.

Perpetuation of it is definitely on all of our shoulders, especially generation Zee.

What is a sheene hall.

A sheene hall is where you buy a bunch of clothes from Sheen from like fast fashion, and then you try them all on and then you kind of throw them away, but they were gonna dissolve anyway, and that like rose to popularity in the pandemic, so you'd get people that weren't really mindful, didn't really I guess we're ignorant too. Fast fashion and that like Sheen and H and M are like the number one pollutants of fast

And so that's that's what a sheen hall is.

Okay.

I thought you were going to say, then you return everything because you don't want it.

No, some would say that's even worse for the planet, because then it's going back on.

Anyone who doing that isn't caring about it, doesn't care about the planet. Anybody's ordering a bunch of clothes, trying them on and returning them is.

Not or keeping them and they go nowhere or you donate them, but nobody wants them so cheap.

Every podcast I.

Do, like I come back to like sustainability, and people just like.

Turn it off, go back to Justin Belgone.

It's like that October seventh, let's talk about Oh yeah, that's the last time we saw each other right after the at a jew event right after October seventh.

Okay, but can I can? I?

You came. I invited you. I put on a benefit and they were like, who.

Else can we invite?

And I was like, I have Chelsea Handler's email and I don't think she knows I have it. And I emailed you and you wrote back and you came, and that like elevated the event, like I tried to already, like we had tried to have some cool people there, but like we don't know each other that well.

And the fact that you were like, yeah, I'll be there, I was just.

Like that was such a cool moment where you definitely did not have to answer that email and you definitely did not have to show up, and like I felt like anointed into like a cool comedian hall of fame.

That's just you and I well, I'm glad I went.

Yeah, I went, I'm glad you came to Okay, So I don't want you to have to talk about sustainability, but we can talk about shower sex. Let's talk about schower sex. Let's talk about I want to know who is having chower sex. This is a topic that Eliza covers in her special in a hilarious way, and it's kind of a you know, kind of calling out all men who are stupid enough to believe. I don't care how hot your relationship is, or how new it is, or how horny you and your partner are, or your

It's not fun.

No woman's sexy, it's not and your penis doesn't no one can feel anything. Also, nobody ever talks about the fact that you can't you kill your penis inside of vagina when you're in the shower.

When you're stressing, and like this idea that like, oh, let's have shower sex. I'm like, we're not two gay guys at a crunch on like a Thursday, Like, we're not fucking in a shower.

Why do people That's another thing I want to discuss. Thank you for bringing it up. It's like you have ESPN. Why are people fucking at gym? Like gay men specifically? I know some gay men who specifically go to the gym just to give blowjobs in the sauna.

I don't understand giving a blowjob, but I understand. I feel like if you're a gay guy, it's like extra testosterone.

So it's like at level ten all the time, and.

You're like, I gotta get it in because most men would, like my husband is like you just tell me, you just tell me when he's like I'm always ready, and so.

It's like it's that times too. You're like, thank you, I didn't know that.

I'm like, I know, But the showers, it's just more like you following me in here thinking I'm turning like I'm here to shave my armpits and like give the illusion of a bikini line, and you followed me in.

I guess we have a bench in here.

One person is always cold, one person's always uncomfortable, the lube gets washed away, perhaps in your.

Oh why are you suggesting that you use lube in the shower?

I guess you should.

It's actually the opposite of a luber can't watter because have you ever tried to fuck in the ocean.

It's the same thing.

It's the same thing, you know, Yeah, you can't get It's like you need actually you need a lubricant, but who's going to bring a lubricant to the Like you get into the ocean and then lubricate when you're underwater.

It's just all anti It's it's like counterintuitive.

You have a whole continuousy of like mermaid fans that are like, actually I find aquatic sex.

I think it all just makes aquatics.

I think it just speaks to like a woman's comfort not being taken into account. And when you're in your twenties, you're just like, yeah, i'll do that. It's hot, but like you're not loving it, no, like, and you're cold, and you're looking down at your feet, which your toes are spread apart so you can get a grip, and you've got your chicken.

Feet and your hair.

I have curly hair, and so the whole time I'm just like, do I look like the monster from Barbarian like.

Which is like, or does your husband's care? Answer? No, he doesn't care.

I care, And if I don't feel hot, then it can't happen. And then if I do feel sexy, I'm like, I'm too busy taking a picture of how hot I look to have sex right now?

Is that why you wore those pants during your special to show people how hot you are?

You need to explain those pants to me? You don't like him? Well, I'm not going to pretend that.

I go, I mean, you have, you have an incredible body, and I like that. I like that, I like that you show it off and I understand that.

But those pants, I was just like, why, Yeah, why I don't.

I don't tell you why because I can, and I think as a woman, I think the more Carlos come on in, Carlos bring that business.

No reason you shouldn't become part of this podcast. This is so cute. It's so cute. I didn't even know if this is available in my own home. It's so continental. That's how rich I am. You guys, I didn't even know I had to. She just met Carlos, she didn't even know he was here.

I saw, I'm and I love I love a fun pant and the pants that I wore on my last special, I.

Remember a similar outfit.

It's a similar silhouette and I didn't mean to fall into it, but we all, you know you dress for your body type.

What's your body type?

Well, the thighs are all like I started doing pilates.

It's different, but I don't know strong core.

Excuse me one second. I don't want to cough over you pair the okay, go ahead, just I mean.

It's just I don't know. I don't like to wear a skirt on stage because I move around a lot. Like there's just things that you that you find empowering. And people were so upset about the last pant and I was like, no, those pants are fire, these pants.

I was scrolling through a.

Rave party wear website, as one does when they're trying to conceive a child. I had had my daughter, and I don't remember if I had just gotten pregnant with Ethan or we were thinking about it.

But I saw those pants and there was something about him.

I was like, those do you ever buy like an article of clothing and you're like, I don't have an event now, but I know I will.

Does that ever happen to you or do you have someone dress you?

Oh god, no, I know what you mean.

I saw them and I was like, they're just I liked that they had the microflare, Like I just I

Yeah, well you're right, it is a talking point. So good for you, mausotop, thank you. I was just I thought they were just cool and I just liked them. Well, I like that you It doesn't really matter if I like them or not, it matters that you take a risk and are like, you know, stepping into your own power, and like, I'm gonna fucking wear these pants.

That's all that really matters.

That's what I mean. And also I do feel empowered in them, and I do. It's like an extension of who you are on stage. And I also think I come from a generation of stand up and I definitely was a huge part of this, Like just wearing a hoodie on stage. I think there's a I think there's a video of view of like at the Ice House like four hundred years ago, and you're wearing a hoodie, right, Like, I feel like we women weren't encouraged to do that.

Do you.

When I came up, I was always trying to play down my looks and be more tomboys, and I've never really like I've never really worn a dress on stage or a skirt on stage, Like even when I used to wear heels on stage, I'm like, this is so annoying, Like this is not who.

I would ever be in real life.

But did you feel like you had to dial down your looks when you were eyeing up?

I think it's something that people talked about, But I like, you can't.

Be funny and pretty, so cool it with the pretty?

Oh it was more normally it was an accusation like funny and pretty, like what's the catch, And you're like, I don't know, You're really ugly, so obviously it's the catch.

I have herpes, that's the catch, and I have I'm dying.

I am a tomboy, like I always grew up wearing big T shirts and not really you know, you maybe wear a tank top to a college bar when you're out, but on stage, I just was always comfortable as that, so I never went out of my way. But I always felt like, remember I wore white ripped jeans on stage at the Comedy Store in like twenty eleven and I had a bad set and I was like, must have been the jeans.

We'll always dial it back and there is as a woman.

When you come on stage, if you do have a good body and your dress sexy or it's revealing, especially if you're unknown, it does take the audience and extra ninety seconds to get over it. And I was always of the mindset like, Nope, I need to get you right up top because I've got something to say and I don't have these eight minutes. But as an adult, I try to take more time.

Now.

Yeah, and we're supper hands.

I mean you do jam a lot of material into an hour. Yeah, And I don't mean jam as a negative. I mean you really get so much bang for your buck with every sentence, every joke, every premise you it's very full body.

Thank you. I like that. It's very artistic.

I appreciate that artist, and in the form of stand up like that's very very well done.

Thank you, Chelsea Handler. That means a lot I do. I was watching some of Ali Wong the other day and she's very deliberate and she speaks will say slower than I do. I mean most auctioneers do. And I was watching that, I was like, I could have gotten two hours out of this if I just did like a long pace, if I just spoke like every other comic and just took my.

I was like, there's an art to this.

I gotta slow down and I won't have to work as hard to write, Like I can just have two hours out of this one.

So doesn't it feel like stand up feels like such a hustle? Right?

Like it is you're constantly if you're a stand up comedian and that's your main vocation. I mean, obviously we all have ancillary things we do, but like, if that's your main vocation, it is constant fucking hustle, traveling.

I feel hustling and I do hustle.

Yeah, it is. I mean you're a real stand up you get it.

Like it's not like something that you picked up once you became famous, which a lot of people do.

I don't think people fully.

Understand, like especially when you're an artist versus just a joke teller, Like when you actually do bleed for this and this is something that you that is you're married to in a sense, you are the engine. And I was actually thinking about that on the way over here, Like if I don't write, if I don't push myself to work out and to write this, there's no one writing it for me. There's no studio calling being like we're gonna put a team together.

What's your next thing?

If you don't write your books, if you don't create these things, especially when you're a funny woman, because no one can create the funny for you. People could, of course write you some jokes, but like the engine is me. And when I take a break, like there's no one knocking at the door, like are you done taking your break? Yes, I'm sure people would prefer I just take the break forever.

Well, it's you're completely self reliant.

There's no like, there's no safety net. Yeah, right, like the mortgages are in my name.

But that's also kind of a nice thing that. Conversely, there's like a flip side of it, which is you're not really answering to anybody but yourself.

Yeah, I think so, yes, because I can't take those breaks.

I can take that vacation.

But I do feel that we've I think we're coming away from it now. But we did get to a place in comedy where you were answering to a very loud minority on the Internet. And those are the people that were canceling people, people that had nothing and were angry at you for trying, and those voices got amplified, so I was never answering to them, but there was like a stutter step, especially as a woman, because we're expected to be kinder and empathetic at every turn.

Meanwhile, guys are like, oh yeah.

I got this underage hand job and it felt great, and uh yeah, maybe women shouldn't be allowed to read, and it's just like, oh, more of that, please, And I get up here. And if I'm like, oh, yeah, I chose to have.

Two kids, it's like, why didn't you have three? Do you hate women who don't have kids?

And you're just like, all right, you're constantly having to answer for what you have done and haven't done as a woman. And I think that we're swinging the other way where now you can kind of just make statements and not have to Well.

Now that Trump is pregnant, pregnant, now that he's been pregnant for quite some time. But now that Trump is president, I'm sure all that political correctness everything's out the window. Something else you talk about in your stand up is, which I think is so great, when men congratulate other men for impregnating their wives, Like when Eliza's husband's friend.

Or stranger stranger usually stranger.

Right finds out that you're pregnant, especially.

With a boy, especially, they love to know there's a boy in the world, right, but men will There's it's the weirdness, the dystopian weirdness of standing there while one man congratulates my husband, not me, on the pregnancy. I'm like he played the smallest part, like I am doing all the work, and it is like congratulations, six seconds, well done, and you're just standing there. It's super Handmaid's Tale and you're just like, well, I was just glad to receive.

It's it's not their party, and what are they congratulating each other on.

Seriously, though, when.

You think about it, it's like, yeah, way to go, fuck your wife and get her pregnant.

Way to go, way to go, because men love to know other men are having sex. And like two guys at a bar, if a guy leaves with a girl, a guy will just high five and be like a nice job.

Women are like, don't go with him.

That doesn't feel safe, Like we don't want anyone having sex, Yeah, we want and men or just like just however, you got to get it in and it's it's primal and it's the way they are.

But I want the congratulations as well.

You did you have sex with a lot of car or did you have a lot of boyfriend comics?

No? Ever, No, none. You never dated a comic?

I did, but so long ago, and I kind of just stayed out of it. But a big reason I did, and I think you can probably relate to this. I became a headliner so early in my career, so.

From winning Last Comic Standing, Yes, and so.

That was like twenty five, and so that's the time of your life where you are looking to at the time, mostly men who were in positions of power for validation to take you on the road. And it's not that women always sleep with those guys, but that I didn't need that from a man, and I certainly didn't want to date a coworker or someone who was less funny or successful than me.

So that pool was pretty much shot.

And I think men, you know, you try to date a male comic who doesn't do as well as you, they always get jealous. So I just never it was never my dating pool.

Mm hmmm.

I'm trying to think if I made out with any of them. I don't even think so. I once had sex with Tom Roads. Do you know who Tom Roads is?

I just canceled on a lineup he was on the other night.

Oh oh, I was like, did he do something? Was he canceled? He's very nice. He's a sweetheart. I once had sex looking Yeah he and yeah he is still good looking. He came up to me.

We were at the n Airport Lounge the other day and he American and he I was with my cousin and he was like, hey, Chelsea just wanted to say hello, and I.

Just thought he was he shook your hand.

I thought he was a rando. Like I just thought he was a fan or something. And I said, oh, hi, nice to me. He goes, it's me Tom Rhodes. And I'm like, oh hi, Like because I did fuck him many many years ago in San Francisco, and it was one of those great experiences where you have a kind of fun one night stand. Like I never really dated that many comics. I mean, I know I did a Joe Coy, but that was like PostScript of like comedy coming up time. And he's one of those comics I

Just after you were you or is this before your shot I.

Was coming up.

I wasn't.

No, I was like, you know, starting out.

And I think I was opening for him at the San Francisco Punchline probably like I was probably the opener. There was a middle and he was the headliner. And so we ended up having you know, a great night on our last night of the week. And then we tried to recreate it in LA and I met him at the comedy store here in LA and it was a I think I got my period, Like it was one of the worst hookups ever.

You know what, Sometimes so you just have to leave something alone, like never speak to me.

Just because you have one good night with a person doesn't mean you should ever see them again. It's like when you go to a really good restaurant when you're on vacation, don't go back there the next night because it was so good the first night, Well, only disappoint you.

I feel that way.

With like an entree, I'll be like I want to order another one, yes, or like the second. You can never have two egg mcmuffins. Like the first yeah so delicious, Yeah, No, I love egg mcmuffins, the second one the instant diarrhea.

What they need to do is make eggman muffins a little bit bigger. When we went through COVID, I had my housekeeper.

I'm like, just go stock up on as many egg mcmuffins as possible because I'm not gonna be able to go to McDonald's and I fucking love eg mcmuffins.

Stop up stock of freezing them.

But yeah, I was freezing them, and they are not as good when you freeze them. No, he turns out, was like nothing got me off of them quicker than freezing them.

I'm like, these are not good at all.

And also get you offer them. Having two on like a regional flight in the Northeast, You're like for years when I when I was first traveling, you know, you get there to the airport and I was like, okay, I nevery McDonald's, but this is my my allowance at the airport.

Will have it, And then one time I had two. Never again. Yeah, I definitely agree.

With you about the Sometimes you have these wonderful moments like the sexual encounter and it's just and no one's jealous, it's not weird, And I feel like women so rarely get to have those where you're like, I don't even want it again, I don't want to date you like that. That hit the spot. And even though I didn't get off like that was still great. Thank you so much.

YE need it again.

And it's a good lesson to know, Like for our young listeners, it's a good lesson to know just because you have a great night with somebody doesn't mean that you need to have another great night with them.

Like sometimes it's okay.

Just to like read a good book and let it go, like you don't have to keep rereading it.

I did.

I will say, you don't who this person is. There was a total power reversal. I was playing somewhere I'm not even gonna say the city or anything, and it was. It was a younger comic that I had known forever, and they opened for me ran like guest sets at this in this city and I'd see them as every few years. And he came over and he just went down on me. I have never shared the story, and it felt so powerful because normally it's the other way, or you have some weird sex.

And I just let him and it was great.

And I had to leave early the next morning, and I was like, you can eat whatever you want out of the mini bar.

I gotta go, and I just.

After you're done eating me out, you can eat whatever you want out of the mini bar.

And it was great and I and it was and I felt like a real headliner and it just it's like a nice memory.

And I never really talked to this person, but like.

Yeah, that was nice of you to let them do that. Yeah, that's what I clean. That's nice to.

Let somebody go down on you. Like that's the way that women should be viewing that. That's a nice thing to do for another person. It's not necessarily all about us. It's like, well that's awesome, so like you know, friendly.

Yeah, you're gonna love this.

And it felt like powerful and cool and it didn't feel like anyone was taking advantage. And I definitely then it was weird because like that person brought their family to see me, like two years later, I'm like, here's some tickets and no problem.

Like a nice relationship.

Did you feel like did you feel when that happened and they came back around with their family?

Did you feel any itck at all? Like oh no, keep.

In touch like over DM and he's like, hey, my family, can I get tickets?

I'm like, Andy's a fan.

Great, of course you can have tickets with your sweet family also has to go down.

How did you meet your How did every family member needs to go down on you?

How did you meet your husband?

That was him?

I met him on Riya. Oh really Ya's success store. Have you've been of course?

Yeah, lots of different sex on RYA different like countries. I find RYA to'd be great for like when you're in the UK or New York or like it's a nice hotspot and it and it and it gives you a I mean now it's opened up a little bit more and expanded, but when I was using it a lot, it gives you a more what is the word that I'm thinking of, like continental more continental buffet. It gives you more of a grouping of people that are actually

That was the word I was thinking about.

Well, you know, people will grimace at well bristle at that. But like if you have a public profile, like if you are a celebrity at all, you can't open yourself up to just going out with whomever. And so for the longest time, for me, like I was never so like I wasn't famous enough that I was like at Denzel's Denzel, why.

Would we find Denzel Washington?

Oh my god?

Or like I just wasn't at famous people's houses. But I was famous enough that I couldn't just pick up a random person. So you would rely on like friend recommendations, you know, idea did someone I knew in college, and you just would find these people sort of natively. And then Riot came along, and so it wasn't necessarily other celebrities, but it was like verified, like, oh, I'm an artist too, Like I get it.

So you don't leave your cause it's a vulnerable thing to go out with someone.

Well of course, of course, especially when you know, yeah, especially when you are a celebrity and they know who you are and you're like putting yourself out there. I'm of the ilk that you just let go of all of that, Like, who gives a fuck? You know you're gonna walk around being this person in your real life regardless. So when people who are friends of mine are like, how could you go on those sites, I'm like easily, you know, I'm trying to get some action.

Right also at this like who cares? Like I don't care if they know that I'm on this site. That doesn't bother me.

Right, especially not now, I think like the stigma of online dating is completely gone. Everybody does it. It makes a lot of sense. You can't go out every single night, but I do think you know, when you're younger, you're just trying to like sort it out, and you don't know what someone else's intention is right when they go and then you bring them to your house or you go to like it's just weird. But I did meet him. He was not a celebrity, and I was like, who

And then that was that. Wow.

I was his first Riot date.

He was like, I don't know my fifth or something like, I hadn't been on that long and it just worked.

Wow.

He was so lovely and that was like day one and like that was it. And so what kind of artist is he?

He's a chef.

Oh, but he's a I should have brought you a book.

He's a cookbook author and chef and and a writer and so he writes a lot of you know, articles, free length.

But he is a chef and cookbook author.

That's cool. It was cool.

And when I met him, he was he had opened you ever are you a regular eater or do you eat not eat meat or anything? No, I'm a regular regular person. He was the opening chef for Bloodsoe's Barbecue on Libreak, which is like an LA staple. And he has his cookbooks. He writes cookbooks. He has one coming out. Do you ever eat at found Oyster? You're very far west over here, so I don't know, I know but

That's such a nice refreshing vocation. It's so it's great in this town especially.

Yeah, he's not like a fake chef or a photographer or a producer.

I mean a photographers at least, can you know, take photographs, but producers is a little bit of a gray area, as we all know.

Yeah, Okay, on that notework.

We're going to take a break and we'll be right back with Eliza's Schlessinger. And we're back with Eliza Slessenger. Okay, Catherine, why do we have what's happening?

We actually have two blakes today? Oh my god? More is it a blake Lively calling in for advice? She calls in one more time. I swear to god.

She's like, I'm your neighbor, Chelsea.

My god, Well, our first Blake of the day.

He says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a thirty one year old trans man who lives in northern Ontario, Canada. I grew up very liberal, where being who you are was not a crime shameful. And now I'm married and I've been with my wife for almost six years now. She comes from a very conservative Christian home and her family took a while to warm up to me. They never came to our wedding because it's a sin quote unquote and

People say.

Should I continue to be the bigger person and continue to just visit them like they haven't done anything wrong?

I don't know what to do. Hi, Hi Blake, Hi Blake.

I can give you the carrot at the bottom next to the microphone.

Got it?

Yeah?

Hi, that's one millennia helping another, just doing what I can.

Hi, Hi Blake Lively, how are you?

I'm good?

Thank you?

How are you guys today?

We're so tired of hearing about you.

Okay, so your wife's parents they know you're trans, correct and that's the big issue.

Yeah, when her and her ex husband's blake, he got mad and he went and told her family about me.

Doesn't matter. Were you guys having an affair?

No?

So, how what is he why? I'm confused? Why was he even in the picture? Just a jealous ex?

Yeah?

But if you weren't in the picture, then how did he know about her? How do you already know about this story before.

I started dating?

And then he was like, well, I'm still bitter about this. Oh so he because I'm in Ontario with nothing else to do, I know what I'll do. I'll fuck up her life because she left me. It didn't work. I had a micro penis.

And are they they're nice to you other than what you're talking about, Like, is it civil when you see them?

Yes, it is civil.

It's just the fact that I know the things that have been said, And I guess that's just the bitter aspect of it, where it's like you've never apologized. But it's also I shouldn't have to carry that, I guess.

Yeah.

No, I mean I always have a different kind of feeling about this day to day. But I just feel like, as long as you can be civil with each other. It's kind of an opportunity to demonstrate love and kindness.

That's exactly right, and to just.

Be like this great person in their lives and show all your great qualities and not judge them for their ignorance.

That's right, you know what I mean?

Because I think you can get a lot farther by that with that attitude, I am always like, fuck off, shut it down.

If someone is an asshole, then fire.

But if they're not being abusive to you, if they're not being nasty to you to your face anyway, who cares what they say behind your back? That's really not your business anyway, you know what I mean.

That's on them, I think because it's easy for us as like heterosexual people to be like whatever, big deal, But like you also carry whatever comes along with being trans and what you think the world thinks of that and the way that you either are treated or perceive that you're being treated like, there's a weight to that.

If someone says anything to you, you're always.

Going to be wondering, is it because I'm trans in the way that we're like, is it because I'm a woman? Is it because of my color? Is it because of this whatever? We all have that, and I think you're absolutely right. It's your chance to show them all the kindness and love that the queer, trans whatever community always preaches. And it definitely hurts, it hurts your feelings, but you want them to feel so bad that they weren't the kind,

Like prove them wrong.

Basically, Yeah, I mean, what do they think they just the knock is that you used to be a woman with their daughter. That's the knock. It's not that you're a bad person. They can and they can't handle that. It is a foreign concept, like gay we've all sort of wrapped our minds around, but it is if you consider where they're coming from, Like, that's a lot to take on. You are probably the only trans person they know.

I was, yeah, oh is there another? Is your wife? Now? Trans?

What a plot twist? No, it's just this small community that they live in. There's others that have come out of the woodworks. I guess you could say, since you know, if we live in the woodworks. But yeah, I'm still like the only one they personally know though, this.

Is the only one sucking their daughter.

Yeah, that's right, so that you know, of you, I sure hope.

So this is your chance for them to be like, I know my son in law's trans and he's great. Yes, we token is we do with everyone. We're like, well, I've got a Filipino friend. She seems cool, so they all must be. I've got a Jewish friend and they don't seem awful. They all must be. This is your chance to like show up and be like, look out, fuckings, don't worry.

Yeah, and just right like rise above that. You know what I mean. Their problems are not your problems.

You should just It's like almost like anything, any feelings or opinions they have about you is just not even part.

Of who you are, has nothing to do with if you want to move through the.

World and move through your relationship with them just as like a nice beacon of light, as like a joyful reprieve from the rest of their life, so that they're slowly understanding that you're just like anybody else, that you're a real person with real feelings and real emotions and

Of trans people.

You know, your interactions with them or emblematic of all the trans people.

In your community. So unfortunately, keep that in mind.

But I find that rather than having that be some sort of onus, though it kind of gives you a sense of purpose.

It's but by the way, you don't have to do anything extra. But you're their son in law. You know what son in laws do. They call up they're like, hey, you need to borrow a ladder. Like you're their son in law. So like, and the good news is you don't have to worry about anything because like, men don't do anything.

Do you have a ladder?

I have a step ladder.

No, you're a brown man, Go get you a ladder. I think you need to get a real ladder.

I just so I don't need ladder.

Okay, well, then hire someone to bring them a ladder. I think that's what Eliza's saying.

Or next time you go to the house, start knocking on studs and be like, this is a solid wall. Just start trying to fix things in their house, Be like, can we readjust this door, bring a level, just start seeing if everything's just start critiquing all the masculine stuff.

And then you take the stud finder and you put it to your own chest and you're like, found.

Well that's literally what I can do.

Okay, Well, I mean that's one step in the right direction.

Yeah, are you guys, I have a question for you. Are you guys affectionate in front of her family?

We don't hide it.

We don't like make it something that we try to hide or flaunt it and like we're not trying to do something that's not us.

At the same time, this holiday season, it's time to amp it up.

And the holidays are right around the corner because we're in March.

Yeah, so time to prepare a lot of caressing, a lot of neck kissing.

Just let him know on the ladder. You want to do all of this on the ladder.

While critiquing everything.

Right, yes, yeah, just be a man.

But you know what we're saying, right, You got what we're saying, Blake.

With all of.

The toxic masculine going around on the news right now, I think I can convey.

Some of that.

Thank you. That's what this is the answer. Want make Ontario great again.

You know what, Canada might be the best state if it happens.

Guys, welcome, Welcome number fifty one.

Don't worry.

Chelsea already has a place here, so it's not even like she really has to do.

It's not like I'm even emmigrating. I'm just like going from the Canadian passport. I don't I have a house in Whistler, Canada, but I don't have a pass if.

She won't need one.

But I am marry yeah if I have to, but I don't need to marry a Canadian.

No.

Yeah.

Everyone was always like before the election was like, oh, you could just move to Canada. I'm like, I have a feeling he probably thinks he's getting to invade Canada and take Canada over.

Like Canada is not far enough away.

I don't think he can get that can up north.

You get it here.

It's a little tan, it's from a.

Bottle, That's what I mean.

But we don't sell it here, so.

I don't know.

Well, especially if it's American maid, you won't be RP Tito's Vodko.

Sorry about that anyway, Blake, good luck with everything.

Congrats, thank you so much.

Congrats on your relationship.

And I think you're gonna I think you're actually gonna be a great example for your in laws and that whole family to you know, open minds and expand horizons.

Well, thank you. I appreciate everything.

Guys. Okay, thanks Mike. It was just taking a bite of that. It was like calling my name, all.

Right, onto our next Blake. Oh, this is Blake.

Back to back black, back to back Blakes. So our next Blake is twenty eight. He's here in La. He says, Dear Chelsea, I need some big sister energy, and who better than you. After over a decade of producing unscripted content spanning editorial TV commercials, presidential campaigns, and the wild West of social media, I'm ready for a change. I've worked for iconic brands across the Conde Nash portfolio, produced for Hillary Clinton and Stacy Abrams, and even helped Applebee's snag a can Lions.

Fancas LinkedIn bio. Seriously, I mean, you know to backbar.

But despite all this, I've hit a wall of unfulfillment. After layoff in NYC, I moved back to LA and landed a job in programming management at a live streaming giant. While I'm grateful, I've realized I want to return to my first love, producing, specifically in scripted TV. Qua Mentor's advice, if you can't find the project, create it. So I started writing work that began as a cathartic way to process a breakup. Yes, I Taylor swifted the shit out

Here's where I need your advice.

I feel this poll to pursue writing and producing scripted TV full time, but the thought of freelancing and giving up financial stability Hello student loans terrifies me. Everyone in LA seems to have advice, but now I'm stuck in analysis paralysis. How do I take the next right sized step toward a career I'm passionate about without losing myself in the process. How do I balance humility, creative ambition, and the rent checks with love and kindness?

Blake?

Hi Blake? Hello, Hello, Hi Blake Blake.

Eliza, do you want to take this? This is our special guest Eliza Slessinger.

Hello, Hello, I'm very familiar.

Was that good?

No, in a good way? In a very good way.

I mean, I am no stranger to the analysis paralysis, but also the actual act of putting one foot in front of the other. And it's tough because you got a taste of normalcy with a steady paycheck, and.

You're like, oh, look, how cozy this is.

If you were just an artist from the start and you were used to flying by the seat of your pants, then that would be very comfortable for you. I am that, Like I am a freelance person, right, these are the things that I do. I don't have that backup job. The answer is, you're just going to have to do both. You're just going to have to be exhausted. And the question that I can't answer for you is will you be okay being not artistically fulfilled in this life if

The other short answer is yeah. So, like for me, I originally moved away from LA to go to New York because I at my core am a hustler. And so while I was doing a lot of those other projects, like I always had a full time job, and like I was able to freelance and sort of navigate it. And what happened to me is I got a job and got a really nice salary. I was still living paycheck to paycheck at the time because New York was

I'm doing it on my lunch breaks at my full time job.

Is it you're writing a scripted show. There's only two scripted shows.

Yeah, two scripted shows right now.

Well, all you have to do is create those and then it's about just getting somebody to read it. Like, you're not a showrunner, you're not producing these things. So if you've done that, the next step is connecting it to the right people, and then the idea is that that gets made so you can leave your other job.

But it sounds like you're already doing both of them.

Yeah, I mean that's what I'm getting from you.

You're doing all of it, and I mean I think you're looking for like a way out of doing all of it together, like some sort of jackpot.

The truth of the matter is that you do have to fucking hustle.

You do, and it's brutal sometimes, but like it is a means to an end, it does pay off. So while it might not be like the most glamorous part of your life right now, it deserves your focus and attention so that it can become your source of income as well.

But also, I mean, yes, and it has to be something that like, and it sounds like it is like you can't live without it. Like I wrote a movie that's on Netflix called Good on Paper, and that movie is something that I wrote every time I didn't get the audition, every time I had an off night and I didn't have sets when I could have been going out but I didn't, like, I always returned to that document. And the good news is you have that fire in you. But I'm gonna tell you right now. And it seems

Like you have to.

Become so accustomed to just eating shit for breakfast, because these things take forever. I just took a blind script deal with a major network that took eight months. I'm sorry, I didn't take eight months to even get the deal, and in the end we didn't take it because it was so about eight months just to make a deal for a show I hadn't created.

So I'm just letting make a deal for a show you had not created, hadn't created.

It was a blind script deal, and in the end we didn't take it. It is such a slog So you have to be so in love with your characters and your process, and then you have to be okay with them dying when someone buys this and it sits on a shelf.

You have to love the process so much.

Yeah, And that's kind of where I think I felt inspired to write in because like, I, actually I'm loving this process. I never thought like I wanted to get into scripted, but that was kind of elusive. And then I had a mentor to just be like, then just go write it, and it seems so simple, and I actually fell in love with the writing process and it

It's not it doesn't sound like fear to me.

It sounds like anxiety because you're wanting it all to happen and I get it like all at once right now, But there's actually very little to be done once you've written it, and it's going to be sending these emails like there's actually nothing to fear here because nothing is happening.

You don't have to leave that job yet. What you are is bored.

You're like, I'm ready to go, and this industry is moved so slowly.

So the hardest thing to do is nothing. And that's what's happening right now.

You've got to go to work, polish your draft, make sure that when it's sent, it's the best version. Don't just fire it off. And I'm the worst at that, Like I will send a network draft with typos like I don't even I didn't prove read my college essays. It's just slow. And that's the hardest part is remembering to live your life while your dreams like slowly start to take off.

Yeah.

Sean Hayes once gave a piece of advice that was like he for himself when he was coming up. He said, and I think he actually still does this, but do one thing every day that's like toward the career you want to have. So like you feel like oh, I got to be taking meaning is I gotta be doing doing all these things. Even if every day you do one thing that's advancing your career or one contact, you're still making progress.

The biggest mistake you can make is thinking other people are working for you, and then you find out that they're not read the trades. Find the executive at the streamer, what's your dream network? How do you get to that person? Who can you befriend that could read that? Do you have a rep?

Do you have reps?

No? I don't.

That's the other you got to get that rep.

I've always been in house, Like when I was at Conde, I was in house and advertising and so like when I was freelance saying, it was just me getting tapped by people within my network.

But I've never had a REP.

And I got invite earlier on that was sort of like, you know, you don't really need a REP if you don't have anything to be wrapped. But now I'm sort of at a spot where I'm like, is this the tipping point or do I need to actually get get now?

This is how you get representation with the material that you have. The material written is so far and there is something that separates people who succeed in this business and people that don't. And I think you're at the crescendo of that, or at the tipping point of that. I should say, you got to just keep fucking chugging away. Like it is hard, it is arduous, it's all of those things. But that's what separates people from being successful in.

This industry and people who aren't is.

The people that give up at this point or it's.

Like overwhelmed, or I don't know what to do next. It's like no one's coming to save you.

Yeah, what's your next step?

You have two scripts?

So I have two concepts. I'm starting to script them right now.

Because some people won't want you to do that.

There's nothing wrong with having a script in your back pocket, and you need a concept is very hard to sell if it's not packaged.

So right now, it's just you.

If you were if you walked in and you're like, I've got these three pieces of talent attached and someone loves it. Nobody wants that have that script, and maybe you show it to maybe you don't, but at least you can show it to your rep.

Like you need proof of concept.

If it's a scripted No, it is scripted for sure. One of the thriller drama. One of them is the drama d so.

I think they're hour long.

Both of them are eight episodes one hour each per season.

Not only do you need the script, I mean you can. You can do a pitch.

Some people for a pitch, but this pitch needs to be like you need a one sheet, you need a pitch deck, and you need these things to be like grabbable. And I would ask someone you know who's a writer for other examples of a pitch deck. Unless you already have that. It's the hardest part. I always find it's easier to just write the script. I hate pitching. It's a great way to have people tell you to fuck off. But you should be writing the script. Were you planning on writing it?

Yeah, I was planning on writing it.

I sort of was getting into like putting the pitch material and series bible together, and then I've been getting feedback and people are like, oh, you sort of just need more of a script this as well.

You should just write the script because it is in that script that you will find all the problems. Have people read it, have people you trust not your friend. But like real writers, read it, rewrite it, rewrite it, get it to a place where you think it's bulletproof, then give it to your rep who will give you their critiques, and then you go from there. But you got to you have to actually write it. Otherwise you're just a person who says that they're a writer.

Yeah.

I don't call myself a writer, if any I know, I'm a producer, and I think that's been like the other hesitation is like I've done producaying, I've directed a little bit, but like writing is like very I haven't done it since college, and like this is like actually something that I'm finding them falling in love with.

Enjoy it, enjoy falling in love with it. Thank god Eliza was here today. She's giving you great advice.

Yeah, I can't tell you that I've read Saved the Cat in a long time their Screenwriter podcast. Like, write it and then you'll rewrite it and then step away write it again. Then you can get your agent can't represent you unless they have something to actually read. Otherwise it's just like a fun concept. Nobody really wants to read a Bible. That's fair enough, any kind of Bible heard.

He herd.

Okay, well thanks for calling in. I mean that's some good advice. So good luck with everything, beautiful.

Thank you all so much.

Check back in in like six months, Blake, Okay, yeah, let us.

Know how you're doing from your mansion after you sold the show.

And I'm jealous.

I wish so awesome. Thank you all so much. I appreciate it.

Bye bye bye. It's such a it's such a brutal.

I'm like with career stuff, I'm like, I don't fucking know what to tell you. I don't really know. Let's put one foot front of it. Like all I can say is hustle, hustle, hustle. But it's like that was good too because it got into specifics.

Yeah, it's and it's like it's a super granular thing.

But like that's what's so great about stand up is like just go up, just go You don't need someone to okay it, No one has to, Like you can just you can create it every night. The writing is tough, but plenty of show creators like we're like Mark Platt was like a lawyer and then he created shows. Like a lot of people just start as something else and just move into writing so it can be done.

Yeah, it's just hard. Let's take a quick break and I have a little wrap up question.

Great, we'll be right back with Eliza. I keep saying, Blessinger. We'll be right back with Eliza Schlessinger.

Is hands blessing ger?

Is it?

Girl? Yeah? I've been saying Eliza Slessinger.

I know.

I'm so sorry. Everybody does.

Oh my god, it's Eliza Slessinger. Everybody, it's Eliza Schlessinger.

There you go.

Now you're Jewish Eliza Schlessinger.

I'm so sorry. Isn't it so much better that way? Yeah?

It is Schlessing jer Nope, test and we're back with Eliza schlessen Ger.

There you go.

That's totally the way to do it, with a pause in the middle.

I like it like a hyphen emphasis. Yeah, not an umlaut a hyphen. I wish. I wish I came from a culture that anti umloud. Oh we are I think so, I don't know. We love getting canceled.

This writer says, Dear Chelsea, my ninety seven year old neighbor of six years who is thriving, calls me Kimberly. My name is Kendall. Do I tell her xoxo, Kendall.

No, no, no, no, just tell her your name is Eliza Schlessinger.

And she'll have an aneurysm trying to pronounce it.

No.

I love that she calls you the wrong name. That's fun, have fun with it.

Yeah, what's to be gained?

How much longer could she possibly be calling you by this name?

Okay, Eliza?

Everybody can watch Eliza Schlessinger's news special. It's on Amazon Prime, okay, and it's called a Different Animal. And if you need to know more about her, go to her Instagram, go to her Facebook.

Are you still on Facebook? Probably? I mean I only I don't even know how to get on face.

I don't have my password. Can I plug my podcast?

Because it's absolutely producer and co hosts always like you need to tell people you have a podcast. It's called Ask Eliza Anything. And the time this comes out, we will have our new home on Lemonada, and I do what we do here is I the audience is the guest. So we do we have life advice?

Perfect? Oh god, how funny? Yeah? So Askalize Anything? Okay, out love it? Thank you Eliza, thanks for having me. Chlsea, thank you you do Do Do Do Do.

Do drum roll Catherine, please, Chelsea Handler Abroad. Abroad is my European tour, which I just announced. Tickets go on sale tomorrow or today or there's a pre sale code, Chelsea.

So I'm coming to.

Obviously find a husband abroad. I need to get the health out of this fucking country. And it's not as easy as you think. So I'm coming to Rekuvik. I'm coming to Dublin. I'm coming to the UK. I'm coming to Brussels, Paris, Belfast.

In May and June.

I'm coming to Oslo, Stockholm, to Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow, New Zurich, Vienna.

I've never ever.

Been to Vienna, Berlin, Barcelona, and Lisbon. I'm coming abroad is abroad that.

Sounds like fun. I'm gonna go see you abroad. I ride out.

I want to go see me abroad and there all be there, All be fun, okay, all Upcoming Vegas dates March twenty first, April eighteenth, July fifth, August thirtieth, November one and twenty ninth at the Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas.

If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com