Hi Catherine, Oh, Hi Chelsea, Hi everybody. Welcome to a new episode of Dear Chelsea. I have been getting a lot of sister advice. I got a lot of sister action in my life, a lot of sisters in my life, a lot of sisters asking for advice, and a lot of sisters come to see me perform. So I thought it would be kind of fun to have my sisters on to dole out advice. Because my older sister Simone
is who I go to for all my advice. Shashana, I also Shawna is more of like a love like a love seat, like you go to her for love and warm ship. Yeah, she's a lot like my mom. And then my sister Simone is less emotional and more practical. And so I have both sides of the coin and my sister to be Yes, I feel very, very lucky. Notice that I'm not mentioning how lucky I feel about my brothers. But I do have a really sweet brother named Roy. He is so sweet. He's just a little
He's like a just a love muffin. Also, but I'm not asking him for advice either.
I'm so excited that they're joining us.
I know it's a very exciting. So I want to give a warm welcome to both of my sisters, Simone and Shashana. Look they're both here at the same time, so serendipitous or an appointment.
Hello, Hello, Hello.
Simone, you look so profresh. I love it. I am a professional, so I know, I know, I know all the fucking about it. Hi Catherine, Nice to meet you, Hie.
Likewise, I'm so excited for today.
Shauna beginning see you but not hear you yet.
This is what it's like to get a phone call from her. Hi.
Girls, do we not get to meet Brad?
Brad?
Come say hi, Brad.
Bring the dogs. They got a brother and sister combo platter, just like Burton Bernice pug puppies.
Two pugs. Oh my god, yes, the smush face.
And we have an older pug who's seven.
Nice.
Oh they're the two dogs, I say, Hi. Oh, look at them. They're making out with each other. That's sweet when they kiss each other like that.
Cute.
Okay, So to continue our family story, So Simone had her surgery. Then I went so Shanna got the rough of it because someone was in bad shape for the first week. And then when I came on the scene. We turned a corner and I forced her into a physical therapy regimen, a walking exercise regimen post.
Spinyal boot camp is what I like to call it.
And then Shashana was like, Chelsea, don't give her alcohol. You know, you can't give her alcohol. She's recovering, she's on oxy cotton. And I was like, first of all, oxy cotton was made to be paired with alcohol, so like, obviously, if you know anything about a medical procedure or recovery, you want to make it as painless as possible.
That first Margarita was delicious.
Yes, exactly, and then she's like, and definitely don't give her edibles. And of course, you know, three days in, I'm like, this is going to make you relax and
feel better. So we had two different experiences. But on the last day of our trip, Simone had a goal to walk across the Golden Gate Bridge, right, is that the bridge we walked across mony, Yeah, which was a lot less pleasant than we thought it was going to be because you're basically on a bridge that feels like it's swaying back and forth while.
Hundreds of cars are zooming past you.
It was like this, and you can't talk because you can't hear anything. So it's basically it was like a march and we got to one side. I was like, let's call an uber. She's like, let's just walk back. I'm like, but why it's so unpleasant.
All I saw for the week.
That you were there was posts of Margarita's and luncheons, and I was like, what happened?
I mean, what did I mean?
You did get the raw end of the field.
Shawna thought they were going to boor a board together. She's like, when are we going to go paddle boarding? Anyway, I left Simone in great stead. So Shashana is technically a registered nurse, but I'm a medical practitioner, and I would like to say that even though everyone advises me against advising others of medicine, I'm going to continue to do it because I feel like I know what I'm doing, and I can tell by Simone's progress while I was there that I do know what I'm doing.
You were on CNN yesterday for that. Did you see that?
No?
For what?
I don't watch CNN anymore. For ompic oh, for my ozempic. People are like Chelsea handler didn't know she was on ozempic. I was like, first of all, do you think I would admit that I don't know the difference between the sun and the moon, but then lie about ozempic. I mean, obviously, I fucking tell the truth about everything. And it's called semaglue tide. So I did not know I was on ozempic until I was on ozempic. Perfect anyway, Okay, so girls,
let's talk about both of you. Oh no, Catherine, you had something.
Right, I do.
I actually have an email from one of our listeners, and I wanted to get your perspective on it. Ladies. A very special flight attendant emailed us and she said, Dear Chelsea, not sure if you'll ever read this, but I watched your special last night with a fond memory of having you on board my flight in first class when I was a purser on a flight we were taxiing out when the in prints, the white businessman gentleman next to you, rang his call button and decided to
tell me you hadn't turned off your phone. You looked at him and said, are you fucking kidding me? Are we in high school? You're telling on me? I was laughing so hard I almost peed myself. Your mention of respect for flight attendants was touching, as was the mention of your fear of pregnancy in the forties. I am one of those women who chose to never have children, and yes, drunk, I thought you couldn't get pregnant in your forties and did, and yes, thank God had access
to abortion. So thank you for mentioning it, and thank you for one of my most memorable flight stories. So what I would love perspective on is has she always been this way? Just able to say stuff like this to like strangers who were trying to read her on the plane.
Yes, that's a really quick, easy answer. Yes, And that's the most common question we get about Chelsea is was she always like this? Yes, since she was probably three years old.
And are you both like that as well or less direct?
We'll say no, No, we have different styles.
I'm kind of a pleaser.
I don't like to make waves and those confrontational type things. I mean, I will get annoyed, but it takes a little bit more for.
Me to get annoyed. Like I had someone on the plane once.
Who, during an eight hour flight to France, got up six times to pee, and the fifth time I just looked over and said, really.
Well we both have the same language, because really was the first thing I said to that guy too.
I'm reasonable up to a point and then I lose it. So so Shahana.
Yeah, I feel kind of the same way.
I mean, you know, it takes a lot to get me going, but it's something like that, I would definitely have said something.
Yeah, yeah.
I love the idea of an adult person telling on another adult person to a flight attendant, like you can't settle this little kerfuffle between two people. She's not turning off her phone, so that's like her saying her seat tray isn't up, which I still don't understand why those have to be up when we take off, like they're going to fly off into our eyes. I don't understand
why we can't be reclined. And actually, with all of my newer relationships with flight attendants and the goodwill that I've instilled with them for me, I feel like I should be able to ask one of them. I don't understand why we can't be reclining when we take off. When I take a sleeping pill and then get on a plane, I want to go straight to sleep. I don't want to take off and go to sleep.
There must be a reason. I don't know what it is.
And get those answers for you, Chelsea.
Yeah, well there's yeah. And also the like turns your phone on airplane mode. I don't believe that's true either, that you have to do that. I do it. Do you do it when you guys go on planes put your phones on airplane mode?
We used to do it, but the last couple of years I hit or miss. I just forget.
And whether you do it, whether I.
Do it, that's above our pay grade. Sorry.
Okay, well, thanks for all your help you guys. That's the end of the episode. Thank you for coming perfect. Okay, So let's talk about Catherine. I want to talk about sisters and the dynamic between sisters. So Simone's oldest, Sashawana's the middle, and I'm the youngest. Even though I'm the loudest and the most obnoxious and the most opinionated, I'm the baby. But I also act like I run the family, right, guys, that's very true.
She does like the boss of the family.
Yeah, but I will defer to other people's opinions if I find them of value.
So kind of you.
I'll defer to Simone on a lot of things because I know Simone smarter than I am. So when I ask her a question about how to frame something in a more reasonable way, or how to tell somebody that they're fucking annoying without hurting their feelings, Simone is the
person to go to. And Shashana has recently blossomed and burst into her own stage of womanhood right with her personal business which she's at ear Piercer, a remote ear piercer, and she's a registered nurse, so you're getting a safe ear piercing when you You can follow her on Instagram at Piercing's Sha Shanna. Shauna started her own business how long ago Shauna two years?
One year, about a year ago.
Okay, and it's thriving.
Doing it about four years.
So yeah, it's a mobile concierge piercing service. We come right to your home and make it a safe, fun experience.
Everyone gets a certificate.
Of bravery for pictures and it's just a really happy, fun way to do it that's comfortable and relaxed in your own home.
And there's a huge market of little babies and little girls that are getting their ears piers I had no idea that so many people do this.
Oh my gosh, Yes, every little girl in Jersey.
Yeah, and everybody I tell, they tell five or six friends.
Do you do like birthday parties and stuff?
I do?
Sometimes I'm the actual present and the kid doesn't even know I'm coming, but she's been begging to get her ears pierced for months. And I walk on the door and they say, do you know who this is? She's going to pierce your ears? And then I pop out of a cake.
Topless. Everyone in our family goes topless. It's not just me, it's hereditary. My point of that story, Shauna, was that, but you were working in the medical industry, not medical industry, healthcare, proper healthcare. You were a nurse. My sister was a nurse and then she kind of got tired of that, and I guess the hours and the sense of responsibility. So you started your own business, and I think it's given you a really big boon, right, like a boost
of self confidence, of self esteem. Tell us about that.
Well, in a million years, I never thought I would own my own business. So it's been so much fun. I kind of fell into it because I started out with another company and then they ended up stopping the home piercings and there was such a huge demand.
So Shashana continued to moonlight.
That I thought, you know, how can I keep doing this, you know, legitimately, And so I formed my own company. And I love it. It's so rewarding and fun. Everybody I need is so nice and they're so happy. It's such a happy occasion. Everything's good about it, and I love it.
It's so cute because you're so much more social now, Like I never really thought of you as being super social, but you're out there, like meeting new people all the time and they adore you.
It's really cute. Yeah.
No, I mean, I don't think I ever had a problem being social or anything. I'm like more shy and quiet than you guys are. But I've always give been good with patients and patient care in the hospital and all that, so it's just transferring it to the home.
So for me, it's been easy, but I love it.
Well.
I think that Pivot is really great for our listeners to hear because we have a ton of people who call in or write in and they're like, well, this is what I learned to do. This is what my
career has been for the last twenty years. I can't really get out of it, especially when it's something really like you had to study for a long time for healthcare, et cetera, and you pivoted into something where your background is super relevant, but it's definitely outside the box, and you know, you got creative with it, and look at you now.
And both of them have had big life moves. Simone moved to San Francisco, like how many years ago?
Mony, it's been like six and a half years, I guess.
Yeah, from New Jersey. Her kids were getting older, but she still had one kid in high school, my niece, Sunny. So she was deliberating whether or not to move out west, which was a huge culture shift really, I mean as far as a culture shift as you can get in like America. I guess Mississippi would be a bigger culture shift. But you know, and you kind of did change, not careers, but in a way you did. You changed what you were doing.
Yeah.
No, I mean I think in my career I've done a lot. I've had a lot of different jobs or different positions.
But so it has been in healthcare law.
And so I think as my kids were getting older and I was divorced, and I was living in suburbia, and I was kind of just bored with living there and that whole routine of taking kids of soccer and baseball, and I didn't really find my people there where I was, And then I thought, you know, I really do need a change. So when I found this job in California, I was like, Oh, I could totally live in San Francisco.
Why couldn't I.
The only big stumbling block was my daughter, who was in high school and had to move her whole life here, But even for her, for her it was probably a huge benefit as well.
So it worked out. I don't know for both of us. It's changed the venue I think is always good.
I feel like those big changes are always beneficial to everybody. Because you were kind of like, this, isn't that a far move? I remember you talking about it, and it's like, no, you got to go for it, switch things up in a big way. And you've never looked back and regretted that you ever moved across the country. No, not for
a second exactly. And Shashan, even when you were starting your business you were like, Oh, I got to go register as like an LLC or whatever it was, or an escorp or whatever you were talking about, and you're like, it's just such a pain in the ass, and then you did it and look and then you have never looked back. Right, Like, all the little reasons that we always have for not doing something, we don't ever even
end up remembering those reasons. So like when you're making a big decision or a life move and you're making it's almost like you're making excuses for why it can't be done. And when you overcome hurdles, which you kind of need to do to take a risk in life, you have to overcome these hurdles otherwise it's not a risk exactly. You really rarely ever look back and be like, oh God, I wish I hadn't done that, you know, when you're taking leap of faith.
Oh, I mean, honestly, I'm thinking three years old, and it's the best thing I've ever done. And I'm happier now than I've ever been doing anything professionally. I couldn't be happier. So I'm so glad that I did found out what I had to do, and it was a pain in the ass, and it took a while, but now it's done.
I also like the fact that when you do something like that, you know you have two kids that see that change in you, and so you're modeling this behavior of doing something unique and different and risky.
So they see that they benefit from that in their own lives and their own decision making too.
Yeah, I totally agree with that. They definitely do.
I know Burt and Bernice have benefited from all of the challenges and risks I put myself in front of.
The only thing is Russell, my fourteen year old teenage son tells his friends when they ask what his mother does, they say, she stabs babies for a living.
So that's a little.
Yeah, but those are babies whose parents are choosing for them to be staffed like that's an unfair assessment. I always used to look at like babies getting their ear pierce as hard, so now I think it's adorable.
They look so mute, I know.
And plus it's over in a second, right, It's not like it goes on. I said to Sean, I go, what happens when you do the one ear and then they know what's going on? How do you do the second ear. She's like, they forget right away, way quickly.
You're smiling and happy. Two minutes. It's great and they never remember it. So everybody's happy, the parents are happy.
Do you only do ears?
I do only do ears.
You know a few months ago, Chelsea put up on Instagram that I would pierce pretty much anything on your body, you know, anything, anything, And I got all these private messages if I could come pierce their private parts, and they're this and that, and I had to you know, I had to let them down gently that right.
Now, it's it's just an ear business.
So it was an area for expansion down the road. Don't roll it out.
Yeah, I'll think about that.
Just get some extra alcohol swabs and you'll be all set.
Maybe I'll practice nibble piercing on my husband Mike. I'm sure he would be thrilled.
Nipple piercing. Can't be that bads. Oh oh yeah, copy that, Okay, got it, got it. Shashana is more virginal than I am. If you haven't picked up on that. Also, where's our where's Roy Shashana? What's roy status? These days? Our brother Roy was living with Shashana. He came out to visit with Simone when we were we were tending to her back.
Oh that's right, there was.
A surprise visit. He just showed up at my doorstep. That was that was a really nice surprise.
Yeah, And then he hung out with us all week. And then what we would do is each of us had to take Simone for well, we took her for like her geriatric walk basically every day because she wasn't very mobile, So we would take her out for like thirty minutes or as much as she could handle, and then we'd get back and then Roy would go for a real walk, and then he'd come back and I'd
go for a real walk. I was smoking a lot of pot during this time because I had nothing going on except the care for Simone, and that I could barely handle. So one day and our only responsibility was not to leave Simone alone like that was it just don't leave her alone because in case she got herself into a jam, she wouldn't be able to get out of it because she had stitches up and down her back. So one day Simone was like, oh, I have a tesla appointment at too, that's all we have today. After
we went for a walk. I said sure, okay, So Roy went for a walk. I smoke a joint, I go for a walk. I go for a longer walk than expected because I'm stoned. And I get back and Simone's not there, and I was like, Roy, what the fuck? Where's Simone? And he's like, oh, she went to a Tesla appointment. I was like, no, you let her drive herself, and he goes, yeah, you weren't back, and she didn't
want to teach me how to use the Tesla. Her tesla's for some reason extra annoying, and I was like, the whole reason we're here is to never leave her alone. He's like, you're the one who missed the appointment, and I was like, I know, Roy, but I thought I could rely on you. So then I was like, okay, well I have to go to her find she's at to a Tesla dealership. And I was like, we have to call an uber. Roy call an uber, and he's
like I don't know how to call an uber. I don't know how to call an uber either.
And then and these are the people that are in charge of me, these are the protect me, and they can't call it suber.
I was like screaming at him in the kitchen. I go, why don't you have Uber? That doesn't even make any sense. He's like, why would I need Uber? And I'm like, well, I don't need Uber. And so anyway, I had Uber Eats on my phone and I was like, I wonder if they can pick me up in the middle of a food delivery and take me to my sister. And then finally I had Uber on my phone. I just had to find it and I called an Uber. It
was a huge success. I got there as Simone was just in the waiting room, just with a tiny bit of attitude, not too much, and she's like, I told you I had an appointment at two. I was like, this is fucking Royce.
I should have stayed another week or two.
I know it would have been more fun if we were all together. Sean, I'm sorry you got the brunt of it.
Yeah, I mean I came in hot. He was cooking every day.
He had me made chicken soup for twenty six people, even though there's only three of us.
So and then one night he made turkey meatballs for twenty six people even though there were three of us.
I still have those meatballs in the freezer.
By the way, I was like, Roy, who are you serving here?
He has no sense. It can only cook for like fifty people at a time. He can't cook for two or three people.
At the time.
Yeah, he can't cook individually. Yeah it's individually or for fifty people. It's nothing in between exactly.
But anyway, they nursed me back to health.
How are you feeling money?
I'm good.
I mean this lovely deluxe chair that you kindly bought me, and I'd say I'm about eighty five percent there. I think the last ten or fifteen percent will take another six months. There's certain twisting right and left spending that I can't really do.
But I got a physical therapy once or twice a week and they are great. I'd like to go there every.
Day, frankly, but apparently that's not really necessary.
I just like having a trainer. I like someone who tells me what to do.
When I do it, it feels like you should go more than once a week.
Now They're like, I've progressed so much that I only need to just to do what they tell me seven days a week.
And also, when I was out there with someone and I said, listen, this is a make or break moment in your life. This could be the end, or this could be a new beginning. And she looked at me, she goes, just shut up. Okay, I have another peak left in me. This is not the end. And I was like, yeah, but you can go for it in this moment and get really healthy and strong. Or some people in their mid fifties that get a procedure like this, just slide straight downhill.
Not happen.
To you.
No, No, I've got many good years left. So this was just a little hiccup.
Okay, good to know. Good to know. By the way, to all of our straight mail listeners, Simon's available.
I'm available.
Yeah, Hey, okay, so what do we have in store today? Catherine?
Amazingly, I do have a straight mail listener who has written.
In Oh is it for Simone? Oh my god, this would be amazing.
I don't know, but he is married.
Somebody sounds like an eager beeper.
I have some sister questions. I have some dating questions, all kinds of stuff.
Let's do sister's question.
All right, well, let's go quick break and we'll be right back.
And we're back.
We are back. Well, this first question is from lovable aunt. Growing up with my three years older sister was sort of a battle. She was always so headstrong, almost like a bully to everyone, especially me. She had this bad attitude, always looking for a fight, and she was spoiled rotten. When we were young, we weren't friends. She always pushed me around, tease me to the point where I would cry. She once said to a new friend that she didn't know me and that I was a neighbor who lived
on another street. Fast forward to now, and we are the best of friends. Somewhere along the way she grew up and finally realized what's right and wrong and became normal. The issue is she has a four year old son who looks exactly like her, and I'm terrified to say, is exactly like she was when she was younger. My nephew is a bully in the making, just like she was. He is only four and he already has this bad attitude. I feel like it's giving me PTSD of some sort.
I do love him, but I cannot tolerate him. It's hard to like him. Do I have to wait till he's in his twenties to be able to bond with him? He is just so awful. And no, I do not have kids on my own, nor do I ever want one. He is my birth control, any advice, lovable and with an unlikable nephew.
Oh geez, that's an interesting one.
I haven't heard like that.
When you started out, I was like, Oh, this is Shashawa and Chelsea when they were.
Little, exactly.
That's what I thought.
Yeah, that's what I thought too, except I was the youngest and I was the bully.
And this is what it would have happened if you had children.
Right, which is why everyone in our family advised me over and over again. You guys say I don't listen, but obviously I did because I didn't have children, and all of you kept telling me definitely don't when you didn't need to say that. But okay, so go on, okay, so continue sigmo. Yeah.
So I think this is a tough one because I feel like commenting on someone's child.
Is you have to tread really lightly. It's a delicate area.
If she's good friends with her sister, now that's a great starting point. There's got to be an opportunity that when they're all together, for her to not necessarily criticize her nephew. But when her sister corrects her nephew or parents her nephew, I wonder if there's an opportunity to have a broader discussion about his behavior, or you know, even saying things like, oh, how does he do at preschool?
How's he doing with other kids?
Like asking more objective questions about his behavior to see if she'll realize that this child is having some behavioral issues and is a bit of a bully.
But I wouldn't do it very subjectively.
And really go in there and say your kid is a nightmare, like you need to fix him, because that's that's never goes well.
Yeah, do you think that she's aware that your son is acting like she did when she was young or that's a question that you know, I wouldn't want to know.
It's interesting to talk about who's aware of their children and who Isn't you know what I mean, you're so blind when it's your own child. I just talked to a friend of mine who said it was a straight cup I was with recently that they both were working big jobs, both CEOs at different companies, and they realized that their kid was turning into a major brat and she's like, I just realized that she was turning into this. She's like, so one of us had to stop working
and we had to spend more time with her. And I was like, oh, oh, I've never heard anyone say that about their own kid.
Yeah.
I mean that takes a lot of self awareness to realize that.
I think in some cases, like if the child is now emulating the parent, some people find that endearing.
Oh, it was just like me as a kid, he's.
Looking Oh, I've heard that so many times from so many mothers. She's like, she's just like.
Me, Like, that's actually not a p pre behavior a child.
So it's a difficult area.
Again, I think siblings providing advice on their nieces and nephews is just a touchy area. I just think you have to I think it's worth bringing up, but I think you have to do it in a very sort of diplomatic way.
Well maybe this woman could she start doing stand up and just out everybody that way.
There you go. There's another option. That's option B.
That's the straightest path to success.
I think if the sisters have a close enough relationship, there is a way to open up that conversation gently. That it depends how tight they are to be able to work that in slowly gently.
But if you really do have that really tight close.
Relationship, I think that you can find a space to talk about it in the right way without being really obnoxious about it.
I also think depending on the relationship that you have with your nephew and with your sister, if it's appropriate, where like she doesn't mind if you reprimand him or have some input on his behavior. I have a niece who was a Helian growing up, and I was a person in her life who set like really firm boundaries and she knew that, like I was the aunty that if I said no, the answer was no. If I
said later, the answer was later. And that as I set those boundaries early on, that paid off in dividends as she got older.
Yeah, Catherine, I think you definitely that's a good point about as the child grows up, you developed your own relationship with that child. I don't think she has to wait till he's eighteen years old, but it develops over time. And I know all of my kids benefit from their ants and novels.
So starting school too might help correct some of this behavior because a lot of times kids are bad in a way that like their peers are not going to put up with. So like, as he gets into kindergarten, first grade, whatever, some of this might start coming out in the wash. Hopefully that's true.
I mean that wasn't the case for Chelsea when she was little, But you know.
I got more. I was more confrontational once I met other people. I was like, oh, there's a whole there's a whole sea of people I can disagree with. I remember getting thrown out of nursery school because I said something to the teacher that Dad had said to me about her. I said to her face, and then I got in trouble. She had Dad picked me up, and Dad's I give to go and apologize. I think she was trying to get me to take a nap, and
I hated that. Now I would love it, but back then I didn't want to be forced to lie on those stupid cots. I was like, first of all, there's accounting to be done for my family, Like I have to figure out where the money's coming from, or where's it where is it coming in? And my dad was like, you have to apologize. I'm like you're the one who
said it. It was either something about the way she dressed or it was something I can't remember, but anyway, I was so mad that I was basically getting in trouble for something he told me, and then I repeated. I was like, you're a bad influence. But yeah, so I'm not a good example, but other people are. You do get socialized when you go to school. I feel like teachers are so tired and exhausted now that they're not going to put up with any bullshit.
Anyway, Yeah, okay, while lovable aunt, tell us what happens with their nephew, and if you can set some boundaries, let us know what happens.
Problem solved. It sounds like solved.
Well, at the end of the day, I got to wait it out right, Well, we have a caller. Are you ready for a caller? Ladies? A lot of caller joining up.
Let's go.
Okay, Amber says, dear Chelsea. I've been dating my perfect man for two years this time around. We dated seventeen years ago and had a tumultuous eight year relationship that ended with cheating, and I was the cheater. In the seven years apart, he dated one girl and I dated several douchebags. He was always on my mind, though, and about two years before we got back together, I started pursuing him again, even while he was committed to someone else.
Needless to say, I won him back. I know there's a lot to unpack there, but we've been working really hard. But he has major trust issues. I cheated on him ten years ago, and I'm a completely different person now. I have done a ton of therapy and twelve step programs and even a two month retreat in Thailand. They all have the same message of truth telling and honesty, so I've been exactly that honest. How do I earn his trust back and convince him that I'm not the
Amber from ten years go? Will the trust ever come back? Or will my shitty ways haunt me forever? Amber? Hi Amber, Hi Catherine? How are you? So everyone your shirt? I'm very excited about this, So let's go to therapy.
Oh that's cute, right, cute?
Hi Amber? How are you? These are my sisters? There are special guests today.
Hi sisters, I meet you. Nice to meet you as well.
Wow, that's a long breakup and then you got back. How many years were you guys?
Apart.
We were apart for seven years.
Wow. Yeah, so you had.
Let me get this straight.
You had eight years together, then broke up for seven and then you've been together again for the second time for two years.
Correct, Okay, that's seventeen. Yeah.
So we were together for eight years and then I cheated on him and I had a little bit of an affair, about a three month affair. Obviously he found out about it, we broke up, he got involved in a new relationship, and I was pining for him that whole time and ended up getting back together and we've been back together this last two years. But he just does not trust me.
Wait, I have a question, Amber, Was that the only time you cheated on him?
One time?
Okay? Yeah, Okay, go ahead, someone, So.
How has it been these last few years?
You obviously both still had something going on for each other, so enough to bring.
You back together? Yeah?
What is How is he demonstrating this distrust like he's just not one hundred percent there?
You know, For me, it's been great.
I'm just so excited to be back together with him that I think I'm a little bit blinded by his insecurity. He gets insecure about kind of the silliest things like if I'm on my phone for too long. Maybe if I'm on an app and I close out of the app too soon, he's like, why are you doing that? I mean, obviously, when I cheated on him eight years ago, a lot of it was related around the phone. So he's just been really insecure and he doesn't really voice it.
He's a little bit passive aggressive. I can just tell that something's upsetting him. He's not really good at verb it. And then it gets to a point where I start to retreat because he's retreating, and then we'll have kind of like a blow up where he's like, I just don't trust you. You're doing these things, You're being shady with your phone, You're closing out of these apps some things.
I don't even know what he's talking about. I'm confused and why he's right.
He's in a different state of mind altogether than you are. Right, the jealousy thing is a serious thing that's not going to automatically go away.
Have you guys gone to counseling together at all?
I go to therapy. I asked him to go to therapy, and he was not on board with going to therapy.
Well, that's a big problem right there. That's a big red flag.
This is a hurdle that you have to figure out, and therapy is not the only way, but it might be, you know, the easiest and best way to have a third party figure out, you know, with you guys, if you can get past this, because it's hanging over your relationship and it's not healthy. So you have to move through this or you have to probably not be together. So if you're going to make it work, you have to find a way to address this issue because it's not going away.
Yeah, and it's you know, it's been seventeen years and I have so many amazing single girlfriends and I want to be in a long term relationship and I want to be with him, and I don't want to give up on the relationship. And I know that he loves me very much too and doesn't want to give up either.
I don't want to say don't. He doesn't want to go to like a traditional therapist. He does his own work.
He's very spiritual, who listens to a lot of like Eckhart, Tooley and Deepop and he's just really into that spiritual side of himself. He's a pretty special human. He just can't get past this hurdle, and I'm not sure. I'm not sure what to do.
I think the fact that he's had this experience, I mean, he has a legitimate reason to have this trust issue with you. You have never been in that position, it sounds like, so you can't really understand what he's going through and why he's acting this way, but it's legitimate for him.
So I think you really do.
If he is spiritual, maybe you just need to go to a different type of third party, as someone that's a little bit more connected to mindfulness or someone that he's on board with, because I don't think you can kind of grow together if you really think he's the one and he thinks you're the one, but there's this constant issue hanging over your head.
I don't think it's going to work unless you really hash it out.
Yeah, I just feel like he's punishing me for something I did ten years ago.
Well, he's not punishing you. He's still hurt from something that you did ten years ago. He's hurting and he's not able to let it go. And the whole thing about spirituality is not to hold on to the past or to harbor the past, and that's what he's doing so he can be as spiritual as he wants. But he's not taking the advice that he's listening to, which is to let go. You're a different person. You've gone
to therapy all these years. If he doesn't even have the interest in going and sitting down with you to hear about what you've learned and to figure out a way for you guys to continue, that is a really big red flag. And that's to say what he could spend the next ten years holding this over your head. I feel like you have done the work to account for your behavior. You're not going to do it again. Enough time has passed, it's been two years. How long
is he going to hold onto this for? He has to accept and trust in order for you guys to grow, and if he can't, Yeah, you've got to either figure you have to have a third party sit down and have a conversation about it, because it's irrational. At this point, you're not doing anything that's warranting his distrust. And if he wanted to get back in this relationship, even though you went and pursued him, and I'm sure you were
very influential in getting you back together. He agreed to get back together, right, so he has to agree to a new set of terms at a fresh start.
Yeah, I mean enough time has passed since this happened, and you've demonstrated your behavior in the past two years and then this newest part of your relationship, and if that's not enough, then it has to be. You know, you have to work on it together for him to either get past it, or if he realizes he can get past it, that's a problem.
Yeah.
It makes me really sad because I'm worried that he can't And yeah.
It sounds like he might not be able to.
Yeah, I do wonder if there is something that's, not, like you said, traditional therapy that might be really healing for him. First of all, of course, there's a ton of books about getting over cheating and how to repair relationships, so like that might be something to be like, Hey, I need you to read a couple of these books so we can start to move on from this and
rebuild that trust. But you might also look into like a weekend retreat with a shaman based on connecting with your significant other or something like that that feels a little bit more you guys, or feels a little bit more him that he might be more comfortable with.
Now like he did ayahuasca. He did an ayahuasca retreat in Kosa, Okay. Yeah, and I think that really helped him. I don't think it was as powerful as he was expecting it to be, but I know that's more his route and I'm willing to support him in that.
So I really like that idea.
Well, I mean, it's good that he's into this stuff and then he's sort of open to sort of you know, forward thinking and you know, changing his outlook and all of that, so it sounds like he's got the potential to do it. I mean, this one issue is kind of significant for him, but there's got to be a way that you can address it together, because again, you're
speaking about two different things. He's experiencing things and he's not able to verbalize it to you what the triggers are and when it happens and how that makes him feel.
And you need to have this conversation together, and I.
Think the only way to do is to have an interpreter, a third party that can really help.
You and try. Maybe you can do a Molly MDMA session with somebody those are good. No, really, it's helpful for couples, especially when they're cheating involved, because it kind of like gets rid of your ego and people are just like, you're so loving and communicative that you can solve a lot of these kinds of big issue relationship
issues in one session. Yeah, like if you get somebody who can guide you through an MDMA therapy journey with you and your partner and that way, it's not traditional therapy.
Yeah, we've tried be made together, but having somebody lead it, I think.
Would be would probably be more powerful.
Yeah.
Yeah, because for him at this point, his rote response, his pattern in his brain is like I'm afraid, I'm afraid. I'm afraid. So he needs something to break him out of that, and he also needs to be taking the initiative to work on that healing for himself.
Yeah.
I just hope, I just hope that the relationship that hasn't just hasn't gone too far, because I do love him, and it sounds like.
You want to do the work, So that's half of the battle, and I just have to make sure he wants to do the work.
Yeah.
Yeah, you just need to figure out what that work looks like.
And let him know how much you're committed to trying to get there where whatever it is that it takes to get him more comfortable.
You guys are on the same page and get past this that you'll do it.
Well, I'll do what it takes. I'm hoping he does as well.
Yeah, I mean, you've got like seventeen years together now, right, so try and figure it the fuck out. Tell him that, Tell him that, I'll tell him.
Chelsea said that.
Yeah. Please, do I need another straight fan.
To add to the other two.
All right, Well, thanks for calling in, Amberg. Keep us posted and let us know how everything goes.
Good luck Amber so much. Thank you, sisters.
Bye.
That's a good podcast title, you guys. Thank you sisters.
Unless it's about nuns.
Well, I have an email from a straight listener. His name is Sean. Dear Chelsea, my name is Sean, and I wanted to write in and see if I could get some advice about an upcoming diagnosis. My wife, yes I am a straight man writing in, has come into recent awareness that she might be on the autism spectrum. She's going to get tested because she would like to have the answer to some of the idiosyncrasies in her life. We've been together for six years and married for a
little over a year. I expressed that no matter what the outcome could be, it doesn't change any part of who she is as a person, and more importantly, she's my wife. I'm just worried that she could go into a grieving or depression about this discovery. She's expressed to me that she would most likely grieve for her younger self, but I want to make sure I can show up for her in every facet as a role model for
women and mental health. I feel that you would be able to help give some perspective as to how I can best support and comfort my wife through this time. You're a north star for both my wife and my mother in law, sharing many similar traits and beliefs. That's why I thought you'd be perfect to give an outside perspective. Sean, What a sweetheart, I know.
Absolutely.
Yeah, that's sweet Sean. We're all attracted to you. Now, Okay, I'll go first. I think that first of all, it's a total gift to get a diagnosis so you understand where your behaviors are coming from. My friend Amy Schumer, who's been very public about her husband's autism diagnosis was also directed by her. She noticed some weird behaviors or some non tradition behavior, stuff she wasn't used to seeing. She saw and asked, hey, do you think I've looked
this up? And I think there's a chance you might want to get tested because you might be on the spectrum. And he did, and it was like such an informational tool. Then he understood why he acted differently in his behavior towards things like she fell down once and he didn't go to pick her up, and he's like, I don't know why I didn't do that either. She's like, usually if someone falls, you know, somebody comes to help me, Like why are you standing there? And he's like, I
don't know. So, you know, the synapses are different, and the reactions are different, and your socialization is very different. So it's a very big gift to get the information to understand and put in context all of these things that you've kind of been confused about for so long. So I think you have to look at it and go at it from that very positive angle, like, oh my god, great we have answers.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree.
I mean data is key, So you know, she could potentially be diagnosed with a form of autism, but she's not being diagnose with terminal cancer. So it's something she's had probably since she was a child, and it's just putting sort of a name to it, in diagnosis to it. But it's not changing her life in any way. She's
still living the same life with her husband. So this information can be useful, you know, they can read more about it, and they can sort of maybe I don't even know if you would change anything, to be honest, but just recognizing the signals and the symptoms and the behaviors that she's been seeing, I think, yeah, I agree, it's valuable to get that information back.
There's nothing wrong with data.
Yeah, And being autistic is an advantage in many ways that we don't see. So there's this whole additional layer of added value that autistic people bring to the table in the way they see things and in the way they take information in in the way that they see the world. It's just so much different, and so like, there's so much value in teaching more people about that your children. It's not a bad thing. It's not like
you're getting a cancer diagnosis. You're getting a personality diagnosed, and that is always helpful.
Yeah, and it might be like a little just a relief just to know, Okay, now that's what I have, I have a name for it, this is what it is. If I know that I have autism, then there are very specific people that you can go see that deal with that you know, regarding autism, that can help you, as opposed to seeing somebody that may not be familiar with that or that kind of thing. So it's a good opportunity to move forward with it knowing what you have and knowing where.
To go to get help if there's things you want to change.
And I also think to Sean's original question, which I think was about how do I provide appropriate support, I think you know she's going to handle it, how she's going to handle it. We can't predict if she's going to be depressed about it initially, or she's going to be kind of excited to have this data and then want to see a therapist or want to see a specialist.
So you kind of have to react to her and know not to diminish any of those feelings that she's having and just be there as you have been apparently and support her regardless of her reaction, and then it's really ultimately her decision as to whether she takes the next steps or not, because I remember it sounds very similar to any's story. So some people, you know, there's
nothing to do. It's just to be there and support those reactions and sort of help her walk through the emotions that she might experience.
Yeah.
Yeah, and great for you for even asking, you know, I mean that says it all about your personality. It's already where it needs to be totally. That you'll be supportive and very encouraging and always I think just keep reminding your wife in the moments that she needs to hear it what a positive thing this is. Knowledge is power, and like you have all this information now assuming she does tests and is on the spectrum, So positivity is
everything too. You know, just to be like a solid kind of stable force in someone's life when they're going through something is a big gift.
Yeah. I think that's all good advice. Well, Sean, let us know how it goes. Let us know if you found some resources and we're able to put some good systems in place, and.
I think we should start. So we're giving rewards to the straight men that call into the podcast, Catherine, I mean, if they're this kind, yeah, there should be a list. Obviously, anyone straight man who's listening to this or calling in is very masculine because you would have to be very confident. Oh I just hit myself in the face with a microphone. God, it's almost like men were just kicking me in the face as a response to that. But yeah, it takes
a big man to do that, and that's very sexy. So, like I said, we're all attracted to.
You, Sean. Yes, this is another sibling related question. Soft Live wrote into us and she said, Dear Chelsea, my brother and his Now what breaks my heart to say? Ex girlfriend have been separated for close to a year. To make a long story short, they encountered issues as they both got older and faced real world responsibilities. It had an impact on their relationship where they felt they needed to separate and or the record, they're twenty five.
Here's the thing. The two of them are still in love with each other and have both admitted it to me, And it's so obvious to everyone who knows and loves them that they're meant to be. For some reason, they haven't been able to get it together to resolve the situation, most likely poor communication. Our entire family has been under the impression that we were just waiting for them to
be in the right head space to get back together. However, after his ex told him he should move on even though she didn't actually want him to, my brother has taken it upon himself to start dating a new girl. I'm entirely sure that this is a band aid, an easy situation for him to have fun and feel better. He was hiding this from me because he knows I'm still close with his ex. I always envisioned her as my future sister in law. I really don't want to
make the situation about myself. However, I'm having a hard time because only I know how the two of them still feel about each other. But now he wants me to meet his new girl that he's seeing. I feel like it's too soon and frankly have no interest in meeting her, But I don't want to hurt his feelings. How do I handle this situation without imposing my feelings onto his life? Ps Listening to this podcast every week has probably enabled me to not have very strong emotional
reaction to the situation to begin with. I appreciate this basically free therapy, and I should probably go to real therapy live.
I feel like, has she expressed her feelings about this to her brother.
I don't think so. Like I think they've talked about it, and she said, like she's close with both of them, they're both still in love with each other, but it's also been a year since they broke up.
Yeah, but look at our last couple. They were broken up for seven years exactly.
I feel like not meeting a new girlfriend is not the move. I don't think that like she's holding it against him that he hasn't. He may need five years to come to that conclusion, you know. And it's not really for her to sort of force them together at this point in their life if they've decided they need.
To be separate at this point in their life.
So this no girlfriend hasn't done anything wrong. She's just happens to be the new girlfriend. And if it's important to her brother that they meet, and don't see why she can't honor that And don't think of it as this is your sister in law. This is just someone he's dating right now at this moment in time, I think he's reading a lot into it, And I don't think that people need to find their life partner at twenty five years old.
Yeah, I definitely not at twenty five years old. And if you really believe that they're so in love with each other, then you can say that to your brother, like, hey, it's very obvious to me that you guys are in love with each other still. So all you have to do is just express that to him once and then your job is done and your conscience is clear. You can't prevent him from moving on and dating people or any of that. It's like you're not in charge of
their relationship. All you can do is just tell him your truth, tell him once, don't repeat at fifty times, and then move on with it. This new girl didn't do anything, she's just dating somebody. And the fact that he's twenty five years old is also a sign that everybody needs a little bit more growing up than to get settled down at twenty five. That's just super young.
So I mean they may have gotten super scared that they were so intense and so like ready for marriage, and that could have caused the breakup. Maybe they realized, like we were going too fast, too young, and maybe they'll come around and we'll get back together.
But again, it's not.
Her job to force them together and get in the middle of it. It is a lot about her, is this I'm getting a future for him the sister?
Yeah, this is just writing in Yeah, yeah, And I think you know, we do get so bonded to the people that our siblings bring home. I know my mother in law was even more devastated with a breakup that happened with one of her sons than he was. I mean, and for years she was devastated about the loss of
this relationship. And it's okay to grieve that, but at the same time, you do have to respect, like, maybe your brother does want to move on, Maybe maybe he does want a little band aid and a little fun, and maybe they will get back together, maybe they won't. You know, you just have to be nice and civil to the new girl while she's there. But it doesn't mean you have to like be or bestie all the time.
Yeah, and you don't need to sabitage it either.
Yes, yeah, right right, Treshana, any more wisdom on that one.
I mean, she really needs to take a step back.
She's too involved with the whole their adults, so they're going to do what they're going to do and let nature take its course. I agree with Chelsea that she should let her know how she feels or him know how she feels. But you know, that's all you can say. And they're grown ups, so you know, maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't. Don't hold it against the new person that's you know, it seems wrong and what's going on with you and your boyfriend and your relationships?
Like, you know, yeah, she might need.
But I will say I want to go on the record because I've had this conversation with both of my sisters about previous relationships that I've been in when they didn't say anything to me when I was with somebody that they thought was creepy or weird or whatever. I'm like, you guys, wait to tell me after the fact, they're like, well, we never liked him. It's like, well, fuck off. It was like two to four years of my life. But and their excuse is what simoan that I wouldn't listen to you if you have.
I think it's a different sitution. I think those are different situations. Here. We're talking about someone she loves an ex girlfriend, she wants them to marry the ex girlfriend. It's like not for her to make that happen when it's I'm seeing with you that I don't think someone that you're with is currently perfect.
I no, I know it's not the same situation, but I know how.
How that can sabotage. You can say that. You can say I really don't like this person.
Then you end up getting married and you have a twenty five year married and I put that out there that I just don't love this guy. There's that risk there to the relationship. If I really thought the person was dangerous for you or it was an unhealthy relationship, I think that's a different story, and that's where you do have to step up and say something to prevent that from.
Becoming a long term unhealthy relationship.
Yeah, I guess, so, I guess so. I don't know. I feel like you should tell people when you don't like their spouse, but I know it does backfire. But I just think with sisters and siblings, it's a different story. Like you're hearing that from a sling, like, oh, yeah, this person is dangerous or this person is weird, or I think it would have a different impact, especially girls. Yeah, but then again, conversely, girls can be totally bitchy and cunty and be pissed about it. So I get it.
Yeah, well it's like that movie. What was that show, Bad Sisters where all the sisters.
Yeah, they murdered the brother in law. I love that.
That's the best I know.
They were at the Critics' Choice Awards. I gave them a shout out for murdering their brother. Their brother, their brother, their brother. That's how their brother in law. I said that, I'm my family. I've been wanting to do that for years, but I could never get any of my siblings on board. You know who I was really talking about. Anyway, Okay, that's a wrap. We are done. We're not going to ask them for advice, Catherine, because it's silly.
You know.
I'm like, you're gonna ask your a little sister for I.
Got a lot of unsolicited advice anyway, So.
All the time.
Yeah, well, thank you ladies. What a great job. Sissy Baum, Well that was fun.
Thank you so good to meet you.
Oh likewise, I'm so pleased to finally meet you and Chelsea.
I confirmed the March fifteenth connection.
Yes, all right, the March babies, Yes, I know that's a great birthday to have. Actually, March fifteenth.
Three now three, and our family, the family Mike yeah, and me and Catherine yeah okay.
And Olga's March twentieth yes, right, okay, great, okay. Well, good to know. I'm gonna write all those dates down right now because I don't want to miss your birthday. Bye girls, thank you. Also, I'm going back on tour. Everybody, I have a new tour. It's called Little Big Bitch because I'm a little big bitch and I always have been. Sometimes. Well now I'm a big little bitch. No, I'm still a little big bitch. Whatever. Anyway, I'm going back on tour. I'm warming up my new one hour that I have
to create from scratch. But I have some very strong ideas. I'm going to be a Zanies Nashville March twenty ninth through Sunday, April sixth, and then Irvine, improv and and I have dates theater dates everywhere from Peoria, Illinois, Carmel, Calama, Zeo, Spokane, Washington, Boys Idaho, Vegas, Highland, California, Tulsa, Oklahoma, and more and more and more, so go to Chelsea handler dot com for tickets and yeah, that starts in April. So I'm very excited, Catherine, Yeah amazing.
I have family in Peoria, Illinois. Feel too square though to come see you.
Well, no, they can see me. They just reached it at Interact.
Yeah right exactly.
Yeah, don't forget to watch my special on Netflix. You guys. Revolution. It's a revolution.
So if you'd like advice from Chelsea, just send us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com. Dear Chelsea is a production of iHeartRadio. Executive produced by Nick Stuff, produced by Catherine Law, and edited and engineered by Brad Dickert.