Hi, Catherine, I love Chelsea together.
Oh my god, it's Los Angeles and it's raining and the whole everything is sliding down the hill. I love the fucking rain, and I know it's not safe. Yeah, but I fucking love when it rained.
It's I love it too, But like this fourth week, I was like, I'm a little over it.
I'm all done with us.
I'm not, but I understand it's not good for Californians and that people are and obviously it's a serious dangerous situation.
So I obviously don't love the rain.
And if I had to choose to have the rain or not have the rain, I would have to choose to not have the rain.
But then we're in a drought, Chelsea, I.
Know, but I just enjoy the sound of the pitter pattern and I just it's so much moodier and it's like cozy.
I love it so much. It makes me I just you know. Anyway, Hi, what's happening. What's news?
Well, we got to see all of the gals from my Yorca that we went to.
My God, right, I couldn't go when was it? Because I was Friday?
Well, I had the Critics' Choice Awards so we had rehearsals Friday for that.
Was so excited.
How did that go?
Oh?
Was amazing?
I loved it. I love dressing up like a little Barbie doll. You in that red dress is everything? Yeah, it was actually hot pink.
It was like the color of your of your hair amazing, well parts of the color of your hair, like this little.
Strand up here. Yes, Yeah, it was really fun.
We had such a good time, my writers and I that helped write the monologue or well and everybody there and then we went out after and yeah, it was really fun.
I had a great night. I'm so happy. Yeah, it was fun to do actually good. Yeah.
Usually I don't like to do things like that because I'm like, oh, it's going to be a paint and ass.
Plus it was interrupting my you know.
Christmas ski skilar But you know, I just understood that I'm I'm gonna have to not we have to say yes to work when I yeah, when I had knowing I have to learn how to not take four months off.
Yeah, well we'll send you back right.
Yeah, I'm going back pretty good.
I'm actually marrying my makeup artist from New York Mia. I'm marrying her tomorrow to someone else, so to her fiance, and I am the officiant for their wedding God's And I'm not sure how that happened exactly, but she told me this weekend. Last week I was in New York doing some press. She told me that she assumed that
I have married a bunch of people already. And I looked at her, and my sister was with us at dinner or shashana, and we both looked at her and thought, have you been listening to anything I've ever said?
Why would you think that I marry a lot of people? You know?
I can kind of see it as an extension of like you get a lot of gay couples engaged at your shows and things, right, and yeah.
But like this is a bigger level of responsibility. So Casey, who is an assistant, he got me officiated online amazing, and now I'm an efficient I can marry people. So please don't put in requests because it's not happening. I'm not doing this again. This is a one off.
Oh my gosh, are you are you are?
I'm an officiat. Yes, I'm a shaman, I'm a gycologist. I'm a shaman. I'm a reverend. A reverend is good. That's kind of like my speed great. I mean I'm just fucking preaching gospel basically all the time.
Right, yes, so many gospels.
So, Chelsea, we recorded this episode with our very fantastic guest a couple of weeks ago, and you were a little under the weather. So just so people know, that's why your voice sounds a little different.
Before I introduced our guest today, I want to say that I was on a plane. I was flying back from Boston, and I smoked a lot of pop because I was tending to my sister who had surgery and I was being a nurse and that was stressful for Chelsea, so she smoked a lot of pot. And then I have a very sensitive throat, so I started coughing and I was like, okay, forget it. Then I had shows and on the East Coast I got on the plane
Monday on Jet Blue. Thank god I had my own little cubbyhole area, because I deteriorated on that plane ride like I had full blown aids. I mean I was shivering, my back was thumping, I was I was like packing up a storm. Of course, I had a mask on because I'm not a Republican, and I just was like, oh my god, I'm they may have to ground the plane and take me straight to the emergency room in.
Du Boy or wherever we were flying over.
And I got off the plane went straight My driver drove me straight to my doctor's office. He goes, don't come inside. Meet me in the alleyway because he's like, I have to test you for RSB, COVID and the flu that's going around. I'm like, I had the flu shot. He goes, it doesn't matter, everyone's got it anyway. I ended up having the flu. I'm on my fifth day antibiotics, so I'm no longer infectious, which is upsetting for me because I wanted to give you something when you got here.
Well, I have something, so I'm gonna give it to you.
Okay, what do you have?
I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I actually got COVID for the first time the other week.
Oh you did? Was that after I saw you at that party? Yeah?
Yeah, I got it from you. You gave me the mushrooms. Your friend gave me the mushroom. Oh yeah, she gave my boyfriend the mushroom. Okay, this is Alex xanre Cooper. Everybody.
Okay, you know her from Call Her Daddy, which is the number one podcast in.
All of the globe.
Okay, it's probably more popular than Joe Rogan's.
Podcast I Need to Hang Out with You more.
And she put herself on the map in a major, major way. Because you know what's so funny. The first time I met Alexandra, I didn't know who the fuck she was, and I.
Would let me know it.
Yeah, well, my publicists were like, you have to go do Alexandra Cooper's podcast. It's the biggest podcast in the world. She just got this huge podcast deal. Blah blah blah blah. I go, sure, whatever, and I go to her house and the whole time she's like, do you even.
Know who I am? I'm like, well, I mean no, but stop saying that. Like, I can't lie. I'm not gonna pretend.
I was like the awkward girl who was like fangirling that Chelsea Hammer.
I was stoned. I had my sunglasses on. I was like, listen, girl, we can't we don't have time for this fangirl. Like, let's get down to business. And then throughout the hour, I was like, oh, okay, can see why this girl is popular and she's fun. And then I've been able to watch your success and run into you a few times, and I do really like you.
Thank you. I like you too.
You're in a.
Very very solid relationship, you said the other night when I saw you at the Amphire event.
For two years.
Right, it's shocking. I'm so proud of myself.
I'm proud of you.
It's been good because the toxicity was running through my veins in college and out of college in New York City, like I was just trying to ruin guys live. And then I got over it and I was like, toxic is now actually boring to me because it's the same thing every time. And then I found healthy and it's good.
How did you find that?
I found that because I feel like I was just ready, Like I wouldn't have been ready if it I wouldn't have found healthy if I wasn't healthy. I got into fucking therapy.
Well there's the answer for all of us, right, Yeah.
It sometimes you don't want to be in therapy because you're like I want to keep spiraling, like this is better for content, this is better just for me, and generally keep living in the dark, and then I woke up and I was like, all right, I guess it's time twenty eight I figured out, Well that's good.
I mean, listen, I didn't figure my shit out until I was like forty. But I think when you're an artist or a creative, you think all the bad shit is helpful for your material.
Like I remember doing stand up and anytime I.
Broke up with somebody is when I was just crushing it because I could just go off on that relationship. And then you've come to a point where you're like, well, no one's gonna date me anymore. And then you're like, but who gives a fuck? Because I don't want to date anybody anyway. But then you know, you come to grips with the idea that like it's so exhausting to
be in something that requires so much energy. You know, like, yeah, you don't need drama or bad shit or toxicity in your life to create good stuff.
You can do that.
It's like when fat comedians lose weight and they're like, well are they still going to be funny? You're like, what are you talking about?
Right?
Like that's their only bit?
Like you're like, you got funny because you're fat. That's not the way it works anyway. So tell us a little bit about your, for lack of a better word, journey into podcasting, into the situation that you're in, Like, how did everything start to wapping?
If you excuse me.
Oh my god, I just got the flu and COVID at the same time. Chelsea just looked me dead in the eyes. We made eye contact, and she just burped a cough onto you, guys.
I have to be completely honest. I'm wearing a Maxie shield right now because I cough. This cough I have is so bad that I said to my housekeeper, and we only speak Spanish, I'm like tenemos Maxi shields.
Now, you know what she sounds like. It's when you have like a cough coming and you're holding your breath in your throat and you're trying to talk. It's been since I walked into the room. So why don't I just podcast? You sit over there, you.
Just take a little break. You I want a Maxi pad.
Yeah I haven't, and I fuck is it's fucking disgusting. And every time I was out, I was getting my color done last night and I coughed so hard and then I got up.
I was like, ugh, is that urine dripping down my leg? And I got up.
Luckily they're too gay men, so I didn't have to be ashamed. And I said, you, guys, I need you to get me my pea coat because I can't walk out of the salon like this because I've urinated all over myself. And they both looked at each other, got my coat and didn't even say goodbye to me.
They were both like, fuck off, get out of here. But so now, because of this crazy cough, I have to wear a Maxi shield because a urine is just gonna come out.
A Maxie shield.
Yeah, it's shielding the rest of the world from my urine.
I wouldn't judge you, but like behind your back, I would.
Yeah, I'm judging me in front of us.
To both of us, your pants, Well that sounds like it's next.
By the way, did you hear that Putin shot his pants? Putin fell down the stairs. Good for you, you fucking asshole, and then shot his pants.
Oh yes, I love so good.
I love stories about people sitting their pants, especially that guy.
It's great. Okay, so back to you all. The journey, the journey, the journey. Yeah, so I mean it's it's I can keep it quick. It was I was out of college. I was on unemployment text trying to figure out my house. Did you go to a Boston university?
I was just in Boston. Buss is my favorite city.
I love it. It was so good for college too. I feel like New York you think you would want to go there, and then you're like, well, I don't want to be in college in New York City?
What the fuck?
So Boston was perfect because I had all of the colleges, and then that's where the professional athletes came in because they were like, oh, I'm the city and it was great. It was just a perfect opportunity for me to really thrive. I got out of college and I had this like awful job. I was in sales and it was for a magazine and print is fucking dying. So my boss is always like, why can't you sell shit? I'm like, because who the fuck wants to buy an advertisement in
a magazine like bitch, this is dinosaur ages. So I was really unamused by my job, miserable, and I was just typing up scripts every day, like wanted to start a YouTube channel. Want to do something in the creative field. My dad's in sports television. I majored in film and television. And then I'm at a fucking ad agency. But that's usually how it goes, Like you gotta get a job you hate. And finally I got fired and it was incredible.
Everyone was crying the day we all got laid off, and I was like crying tears of happiness just because I hated my job so much. But I didn't have the balls to leave because I couldn't financially just be like I'm gonna leave and go like I don't come from a trust fund, like I had to have a fucking job. So I'm on unemployment checks. And I was gonna start a YouTube channel for my in Boston in New York. Now I'm living in New York. And then
I wanted to start a YouTube channel. Call her Daddy was now an idea and I was gonna do it as a YouTube channel, and then some people were like, you should do a podcast. It's not oversaturated like YouTube right now.
Especially with the way you fucking talk. Shut the fuck up. You should have been born with a fucking podcast.
I literally came out of the womb and like, I I should have had a microphone in front of me because I can never stop talking. My mother's always like shut the fuck up, let your other siblings speak. Absolutely not. So then I just started the podcast and I had really no plan, like there was no business plan. I didn't know anything about the industry. And after the first episode was uploaded, Dave Portnoy from barstool DMed me and was like what is this thing? Like what is going
on here? Like who made this promo? And I was like, oh, I edited it to get like I edited it myself. I went to film school and then I went in for meeting. Dave Portnoy signed me and the show went like number one on episode four, Wow, and it was wild, And so it was like very aggressive start where I wasn't prepared almost for the success. I understand. I'm so lucky. Sometimes you have to work something for a very long time. For me, it like it was uploaded and then it
was like what the fuck do I do now? There was no plan, there was no vision, and so it was kind of like a makeshift moment where every week was just like trying to come up with a new episode and a new concept. And then it just got big. And then I left barstool, took my IP and went to Spotify. It was pretty wild.
And how long has that been?
So I have a three year deal with Spotify and I'm halfway into my second year. So it's been pretty wild and it's been like a pretty amazing experience.
And do you have any interest in like having a talk show?
Oh, I don't even know what. Like, it's quite crazy because if you asked me, I never thought I would be a podcaster, Like they didn't know that was even a fucking thing back in the day. It'd be like my dad's hobby was to like listen to podcasts, and now I'm a podcaster. And so I don't know, Like I don't know if it'd be a talk show. I don't know if it's gonna continue. I think I'm just making my show what I want it to be. Like I'm doing video now that's not a podcast technically, but
it is because I want it to be. Like I'm very stimulated by the visual aspect. Audio was never like my passion, but it is how I got obviously.
Well it's kind of funny because it all fucking turns into the same thing anyway. You know, like podcasting was supposed to be so it wasn't on the air, and then all of a sudden, you're watching podcasts on YouTube and you're watching them and now it's a TV show and you're like, it's like all of media.
You know, all these streaming.
Platforms are basically turning back into the three major networks because they're all amalgamating. You know, Disney buys this, Warner buys this, blah blah blah blah, Viacom buys this, and we're basically getting right back to where we started.
So we have all these streaming platforms that are now gonna put.
Commercials back on, so they're back to NBC, ABC and CBS.
It's all really stupid. It's like cell phones came out.
They were really small, then they got really big, and then they got small, and now they're like what the fuck.
You know, I'm just waiting for them to like come up with bundles of streaming services and then it's just cable.
Absolutely, you're right, right, it's a great point, So tell us about it, and then now you're in a normal relationship.
I find that hard to believe.
It's very hard to believe, and I know people on the internet which shit talk me like he doesn't exist.
It's not I'm mad at me. He exists.
He exists, thank you. Yeah, it's really wild. I think that the reason it's so normal is because I actually don't fucking know. I need to think about this answer. I guess it's normal because he's very normal. He grew up in LA He's very unaffected by just all of it because you grew up around it, and he has no interest in it. He's in the industry, but he's very private, so we keep things offline, which I think is nice because my relationship is not predicated on what
other people think about us. And I'm not like making decisions because I'm seeing comments or I'm not using it to monetize my business. It's a real relationship. And so if I don't like him, I don't like him. Before I like him, I like him. It's not going to be based off of something I see on social media. And I don't even give a shit. If you have a platform, like when people have one hundred followers and you're posting your partner, it is affected, you know what
I mean? Like or how many comments do we get we can get in as many likes on that, Like people are saying he's so hot, are they gonna DM him? Or he's so ugly? Should I dump him? Like there's too much stimulation going on. And so I think the crux of why it's healthy is because it's as normal as I could humanly possibly make it, and the only people that are influencing my relationship is me and him.
I like that.
Yeah, And what.
Would you say?
I mean, I'm gonna ask you probably a hard question to answer, but I think you probably can because you seem to have a good, strong sense of yourself, which I think is really admirable and I wish all women would have, especially in their twenties. What would you accredit your success and value in this podcast space? What are your attributes that have gotten you here? And why do you think you're so good at it?
Thank you? First of all, I mean, I think I feel like I was very fortunate to be raised with a pretty like normal, stable family, which I recognize that makes me like not normal because most people's everyone's family shit is family shit. But my parents were so obsessed with making sure I was grounded, Like I think they knew I wanted to be in entertainment my whole life, and they kept being like, no, you're going to go
to college. No, we're not going to go to auditions for you to be an actress, Like no. So they were making sure that I was not getting ahead of myself and that I was like focusing on what mattered, which was in their minds like education and having a normal life and being a good person and making me
go to church every fucking Sunday. And it was just a very I grew up in Pennsylvania, and so I feel like my parents instilled the values of just like not getting affected by all of the bullshit because they didn't let me do certain things when I wanted to do it. On top of that, I think sports honestly was like a huge help towards me having this drive and grit and tenacity. And also like the amount of
people that say shit about me on the internet. I don't know why doesn't affect me as much as maybe it would other creators. I think because of the absolute annihilation I received at playing Division one soccer. It was like the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and getting basically like verbally abused every single day by a coach and teammates and the whole thing, like it just made me a very strong person. So when I came into this industry, I'm very passionate about what I do.
I think is like why I'm able to stay grounded. I'm not doing it for wrong reasons. I'm not doing it for fame and money, Like I'm driven by the fact that, like I've been obsessed with creating since such a young age, and then just having support from my family and like them literally hip checking me every day of like, no, you sound fucking insane, like no, that you're being a brat, and I'm like I am, so I'm fortunate. I credit it really to my family.
So you grew up in Pennsylvania, And how many siblings.
Do you have too, I'm the youngest.
Okay, I'm the youngest too. And do you have a boy and a girl or yup?
Okay, oldest sister and then middle brother.
And I also like that because you made an announcement last year you were talking about becoming more politically active and taking a stand for things that you believe in. And I think with somebody with the sized platform you have, I think the thing that kind of bugs me is when people young people don't do that, it irks me because you.
Know, you have so much influence and so much power.
So I just love that you're standing up for things, and you know, for human rights and for basic things that we should all be standing up for. And it's not necessarily political to stand up for human rights. It's kind of necessary. So that's also another great thing. So on this podcast, we give advice to real people who call in.
Well you know a little bit about that.
I'm excited. I love giving advice.
Yeah, so do I. I fucking can't get enough of it. I'm just like, i overheard a conversation the other day. I'm like, can I just chime in here?
Okay.
I was like, you're not making any sense right now, and you're not helping her.
I'll help you and you get out of this conversation. I was at the airport lounge. Incredible.
I oh, well, we'll take a quick break and we'll be right back with Alex Cooper and.
Chelsea and we're back great.
Well, our first email comes from Bella. She's eighteen, she's a student. The subject line is please help. He calls me mom and can't get it up. Dear Chelsea, I'm eighteen and in college and going out with this cool guy.
For now.
Things aren't that serious, but we do drop the lbom here and there. My problem is sometimes he says I love you, mom, or just accidentally calls me mom.
What the hell am I supposed to think about that?
I know it's subconscious and he can't help it, but it weirds me out. He has a really close relationship with his mom after his parents got divorced, but the fact that he calls his partner that on accident is strange.
Right, First, well, it's by accident. It's not on accident.
He stops saying that everybody, it's things happen by accident.
Nothing is on an accident.
Or am I overreacting?
Am I overreacting?
Yes?
It's a fucking bad grammar. I fucking can't take it.
In addition, he also has this problem with getting it up, and he's eighteen two. I don't judge him, and I've always made it clear that when it's us, he's safe and in a safe space. But he seems young to be facing this type of issue. Right, I can't help but overthink it. He smokes a shit ton of weed on a daily basis, so maybe that's a contributor. But this entire situation makes me feel unattractive, even though all my friends tell me it's not my fault.
Kindly, Bella, would you.
Like to take this from the top?
Take this number one. You're eighteen years old and all I heard was you feel unattractive and this guy is calling you his mom. Get the fuck out. I don't I feel like when you're at that point in your life, if there's any doubt in your mind that something's off, leave, You're too young, You've too much to do, You've so many opportunities. It's so fucking weird. He's calling you his mom. Sorry to anyone that refers to their partner as their mother,
he either wants to fuck his mom. There's something weird that went on, Like, I don't know. I just don't think that's for you to uncover. I think it's time for you to pack your stuff, find someone that makes you feel attractive, and don't be called someone's mom when you're trying to fuck them. And unfortunately you can't even fuck him because he can't get hard. We don't even need to judge him on that. But you want to
have some good sex in college. Like, let's find someone that can fuck and doesn't refer to you as mommy.
Yeah, there's plenty of guys you can fuck that won't get it up, that won't call you mom. You know.
I mean, first of all, Bella, get out of there. This is a waste of your time. This is your prime, prime learning to have sex time in your life. Yeah, this is where you lay the foundation of what you like, what you don't like.
And you don't like this, he's not getting it up. Calling you mom is fucking weird. Uh huh.
And you just exactly what Elex you said. You just said that you don't feel attractive.
That's it, You're done, done, goodbye bye.
Find out somebody who makes you feel hot, yes, and that can fuck you. I remember being a kid and like once a year I would accidentally call a teacher mom. That ended in sixth grade. He shouldn't be eighteen and still called.
But a teacher is different because they're an authoritative figure. They're helping you learn, they're giving you an education. Although teachers, whatever the point is is your teacher's not fucking you, hopefully, And I do feel as though there's nothing beneficial in this relationship. You're not getting fucked and you're his mommy. You're not a mom yet, you know what I mean? Those days may come at one point, like leave them for later on.
And for your children. Y.
Yeah, and it's not your job to fix him.
No neither, no, no no, learn yeah, nip that in the butt, because listen, If you don't learn this lesson now, unfortunately you'll have to learn it over and over again.
So let this be the first and the last time.
Yes.
Well, our next question comes from Rachelle, who is maybe one of the most angelic sweet people I've ever talked to. She's twenty two and she has kind of the opposite question. Dear Chelsea, I hope all is well. I'm here reaching out for advice on my boyfriend and i's sex life.
My boyfriend and my sex life, My boyfriend and my sex life.
Yes, we're both twenty two years ago and have been together for four years now. Last year we lived together in Philly for over a year. It was amazing. We both moved back home to our parents so we could save some money and eventually move to a better location. We live a couple hours apart our dilemma has been how horny he often gets and the many times a day he attempts to initiate sex. Yes, I'm aware this is not the worst problem to have. I've enjoyed our
time apart because of this. I want so badly to live with him, but the thought of once again being asked for sex every day infuriates me. It makes me feel like I'm just a bunch of holes. I thought his sex drive would lower after some time, but it's been four years. We're planning our life together, and sometimes all I can dream about is the happiness I'll feel when we get old and he gets ed. We spoke to a therapist about this a couple months ago, and
she mentioned giving me space to initiate it myself. However, I've found that my sex drive seems to be much lower, and he does not have the patience to wait for me to initiate. This makes me feel like a shitty girlfriend for not wanting sex as much as he does, but I also feel like I'm dealing with a desperate sixteen year old. This is our biggest issue in our relationship. We've communicated so much and tried so many different things.
It's the only thing that makes me wonder if we should actually be together and pursue a life with one another, if we got married someday. Isn't this something that could kill a marriage? Thank you for reading rachelle.
Okay, first of all, can he go fuck Bella?
Because Bella needs to get fucked and this guy's got extra juice going great for Bella. We had a previous caller before you and her boyfriend can't get it up and calls her mom.
So maybe we could just do a swap.
I think that could solve the problem.
Well, is this the person who's just asking the question.
I've never been on this show?
Why it's a pleasure to meet you up?
Oh god, I'm so sorry for your predicament.
Thank you.
Do you want some advice?
Yeah?
Should I go first?
To just go for it?
Okay?
So, so I think this is the classic which I think is like, this will make you feel better. No one has the same sex drive in a relationship. And this is like a very common issue where two people are on a different page with their sex life. The issue is the person that wants sex more is made to feel like the needy one is made to feel like I want you all the time and feels rejected because the person that doesn't have ash as a sex
drive is rejecting them. You, however, are like, my vagina is gonna fall off if we have sex one more goddamn time. Please go jack off in the bathroom. So I think it all comes down, in my opinion, to communication. I don't feel like you should be having sex in moments that you're not turned on and you're not in the mood and you're just doing it to appease him.
But I also understand on his point of view, is like, I'm attracted to my partner, I want to have sex with my girlfriend, So I would actually set a time. It's not after sex, it's not before sex. It's at dinner, it's at breakfast, it's at lunch, and you actually have a sit down conversation and you start with a compliment of how much you appreciate the relationship you have and
all the things you love about it. But then with regard to your sex life, you come from the point of view of saying, hey, I'm really struggling because when we have sex, I love it. I'm having great sex with you, Like there is no denying the dick game's great, but I think that for me, there's just certain things where I'm maybe not in the mood and you are, and I want to just find a happy medium so that you feel satisfied and I feel satisfied because it's
not fair to you. And if your partner is like, I can't do that, I'm sorry, then maybe this is someone that has a lack of respect in a greater aspect that's outside of the bedroom. That's a problem. If you're telling your partner that you're not enjoying something and they want to continue to do it, that's selfish. So hopefully your partner's like, okay, babe, how can we work on this? And it's almost like you start like a regiment of every time that we want to have sex.
I get to initiate once a week and you get to initiate once a week, and like, let's start with that and then go from there. But I think it's actually like building in which sounds kind of corny, but almost a communication that allows you to tell him how you're feeling and then tell him you don't get the opportunity to initiate because he's always fucking a horny little dog.
So on weekends, we're not having sex unless I initiate it, and then hopefully you get in the mood and you're like, wait, what, So it's like you can pick two days a week we're gonna have sex during the week, but on the weekend it's my time, or like come up with a rhythm. I don't know.
I like that idea because I understand.
I can totally relate to being felt like you're being attacked all the time sexually when a guy's on you and they want to have sex all the time, and you're like, give me some space to come to you. If I could hit on you and initiate, that would be sexier for me. Then constantly feel like if I take my shirt off in front of you, I'm gonna get pummeled.
I understand where you're coming from.
I also think Alex's advice is good and you should start with that, But I think.
It is a big issue if you don't.
Resolve it now, because you do not want to just be spending your life avoiding your partner and avoiding sex. I mean, like a sex therapist, someone you can sit down with and actually have an honest, open conversation so that this is a more even playing field because you're just gonna play the avoidance game. You're gonna try and be asleep before he gets in the room. You're gonna do all of the thing. Yeah, exactly.
And I agree with you, Chelsea, because I feel like what happens is you're gonna start to resent him for something that could actually be managed. And so I think what it really comes down to is you need to figure out how many times a week would you want to have sex, and then you need to go from there. Of like, if you number one, are enjoying your sex life, that's great, Also you don't have to tell us, But
like if you're not, that's also another whole thing. When you're having sex, if he's actually pleasuring you, also how is the sex Like is he doing any for play? Are you having an orgasm when you're actually having sex? Like is it just about him going to poundtown and then like splooging in four seconds and you're like, well that wasn't fun. Like I think you need to look inward and figure out what ways are you being pleasured in the actual moment And also is it at all exciting?
Is it like now just a chore? If it's just a chore. I agree, you go. You got to switch it up, and you have to talk to him about it, honestly, tell him to masturbate like jack off for there.
We've been there.
His quote now is like, is this for a tour? For one? There was a period when I was like, Hey, if you feel that you need to, and I clearly am doing my own thing, just go. And he'll be like, is this for tour for one? And I actually thought that was sweet, And sometimes I'd say for two. Yes, definitely have tried that, for sure. It kind of worked for.
A while, Okay, And do you enjoy the sex when you have it?
Yes? But that's I think that's actually what led to him maybe taking different approaches in the same evening, let's say, because he knows that it's always the best time and I, you know, afterwards, you're so google Gaga and I have been in the spot where I almost felt bad, like why didn't I want to do this when I end up enjoying it so much? But it's because prior I don't really feel that I need it. You know, afterwards, I'm like, why wouldn't you? You're in love with this man.
It's the best time, he knows what you like. I'm kind of fighting myself here, and then he's like trying all these different ways. I don't know.
I think that when you're talking about this, it makes me think that you have to hold strong for yourself in moments. Of course, maybe you're gonna enjoy it in the moment, but it started out with you were not in the mood, you did not want to have sex. And so I think that what you can do, even though it may be very un sexy, like if it's a Monday, you had a hard day of work, whatever reason it is, you should literally say, babe, I'm gonna be honest, not in the mood today, not in the mood.
And so when he tries to pressure you and be like come on, like whatever, just be like, hey, not today, maybe tomorrow. So it's almost like say no and then whether you have to literally remove yourself and move to the other side of the fucking couch or the bed.
But I think it's starting with yourself and creating boundaries for yourself that will allow you then to feel better about your decision when you actually do have sex, because it was on your turf right now, it's all on his time, and he's just kind of put wishing to
see if you'll you'll be down. And I think if you start saying absolutely not, like not in the mood, love you, nothing wrong with you, just not in the mood, not tonight, maybe tomorrow, I think it will allow you to feel better that you actually stopped it, instead of it being like this wish washy in between, like maybe it'll happen tonight if I like get her in the mood enough, like just create a hard line.
Yeah, and explain it to him in terms that he can understand that it's not so much fun to be chased all the time. You sometimes want to be the initiator and he's gonna respect that, and he's gonna like that. I mean, how sexy is it if he gives you enough space that you are the one initiating, going and sitting on his lap at night and being like all over him, like let's go.
He's gonna love that.
What if you literally do this, What if you say, whoever initiated last, can't initiate next?
I love that. You know what I did last weekend? I told him I was like, hey, can you when I'm going to initiate. Can you just tell me, like, hey, babe, not right now? Can you give me a couple of minutes like I wanted to feel like just I initiated, he didn't bounce, And when I tell you that got me hot and bothered. He was like, can you wait a moment?
Okay, So I think that's it. It's you literally almost implement a game. So it's like, sorry, hot and fun. Oh my god, I'm sorry, I'm getting She.
Has monkey pots. She came in here today with monkey pox. I told her to not do that, and.
She has no respect for anybody.
I think this is it. I think this is it. You like the game, you want the chase, you want to feel like you sometimes can be in control. I think that's the end of it, is that you have an initiating game. Whoever initiated last now can initiate. I love it, right, You're gonna be great.
Yeah, this is good. This is good.
The one thing that I'll say as well, like looking farther down the road, because you know you've been with this guy for four years, you love him, you're looking for a future with him. I don't think it's something that will destroy your marriage if you guys get married one day.
I've been in a long marriage.
We have had fluctuating like who wants it more? When I used to be the one who wanted it way more than he did, and I would get super but hurt when he didn't want it when I wanted it. So like I get that perspective as well. But you know,
and it's like you're always being chased down. I will say, as you get closer to your thirties and he does as well, you may find that, like his levels come down a little bit and yours go up, and you meet kind of in the middle, because you know, the great to look forward to.
Yeah, I know you guys, just yeah, you gave me something to look forward to. And I know he even just the idea that that could be, to be a potential. He will love that. Yeah, give me time, don't worry.
Yeah, your thirties will be great for sex. I promise. That's awesome.
Thank you, Oh my god, thank you so much. I can't wait to talk to him about that.
You know, cut, You're so cute. I love it. Bye bye, bye bye.
She the cutest person who ever laid your eyes on.
Yeah, that was really good advice. Yeah, that's supper. Way to go.
Well, our next caller is Sandra.
Sandra Bullocks Sandra Sandy.
Imagine it's usually very private, so you guys, let's keep this one under wraps.
Jesays Dear Chelsea. I'm a thirty year old female and I've been dating my forty five year old boyfriend for almost a year.
I recently found out that he.
Has visited escorts in the not so distant past. I found this out because I looked at his text messages. I know this isn't a good habit and I'm likely just looking for ways to feel betrayed, but I'm working on this with my therapist. I've looked once before and was honest with him about it, and it definitely affected our trust with each other. Our trust has since recovered, I guess, until I chose to look again this time.
I found text messages of him making appointments to hire an escort, and I should mention this is before they were together. He was also specifically asking for certain women, so I think that it was not a one time thing. The most recent text was seven months before we started dating. A little contexts a divorced man who was married for thirteen years, and says that they would go years at a time without having sex and this was a big
factor in their separation. He also disclosed to me in the first month we were dating that he had cheated on his ex wife with a stripper while he was really drunk. He said he told his ex wife right away and felt horrible and thought I should know upfront. He has now been divorced for three years, but when he hired these most recent escorts, he was in and out of casual and more serious relationships, so I don't think it was out of a lack of intimacy like
he'd previously felt in his marriage. He's also sober now, so he can't blame being a drunk either. Our relationship has honestly been great so far. Any hard conversation we've had has made us stronger, and he's been a loving and supportive partner.
Now.
I don't know what I should do with this information, or even how to feel about it.
I worried that there are.
Some fucked up power dynamics involved in why he chose to sleep with those escorts, but I also recognize it was in his past before me and I found out this information by looking through his things update from Sandra. Her boyfriend is soon going to be visiting Thailand, so there's some time sensitivity here.
Hi Sandra, Hey, Hi guys.
How are you hi? Good?
Good?
How are you doing good?
This is a deep one. I think reading that, I feel a couple of things. I think number one, you can find some solace in the fact that everything you found predated your relationship. I actually appreciated that you also noted that he had told his ex wife immediately after something had happened. So it feels like the first step is that he has no issue being very open and honest in communication, even if it means he fucked up. So we're we're already operating on a good playing field.
Because when you have a compulsive liar or someone that's going to constantly be hiding things, that's where it gets really tricky. The issue is is if he was doing this in his past, there's no saying that he wasn't
going to be doing it now in your relationship. And the issue again is that you found this by snooping, and so you can't be like, hey, like I found this, I'm wondering if you're doing it to me, because then he can be like, you invaded my privacy and I have never done that with you because we're in a committed relationship. So I see why you're kind of in a pickle. I think what it comes down to is if you can't trust your partner, you have a huge issue.
And I don't know if I would personally be in a relationship where I constantly was wondering and stressing out. I've been in those relationships, so I think that if I were you, I would nip it in the butt so that you're not wasting time and you may have to throw yourself under the bus a little bit. Because wait, let me actually ask you, how did you know.
He told his ex wife He told me perfect, Yeah, first month that we were dating, he immediately told me that information without me having to ask. Perfect I did actually, because I had said in my letter that I have trouble keeping anything inside. I'm very easy to read. He would know something was wrong. I told him two days ago that I looked through his stuff because he's he's currently in Thailand right now.
And what did he say?
He basically said, I mean I didn't really ask all the questions that I feel like, maybe I wanted to because I wasn't really sure even what my questions were because I don't know how I'm feeling about it. But he just said, yes, he had done that in the past before me, and he just wishes that I hadn't looked through his stuff and that he hopes that it doesn't change my perception of him. But I didn't ask too much more. He didn't give any opinions or feelings or.
Have you done this in previous relationships? Look through your partner's phone?
Not?
No, not really. I mean I guess I had before in my last serious relationship, and that's where I think a lot of these trust issues came from, too. He struggles with drug addictions, so there was also a lot of that too, where I was trying to see, like is he lying to me about currently using too? So it was its whole other, like monster in itself.
Yeah, but our biggest mistakes are bringing our old relationships into our new relationships, because there's always going to be somebody that did something disrespectful or they lied, or they cheated or whatever they did. But it is your job, as part of your evolutionary growth into becoming more of the person that you're meant to become is to stop those patterns. You looking through his phone has garnered you no knowledge at all, because he volunteered some of this information to you.
The fact that he went and got escorts. Who gives a shit.
That's he's a single guy. He's allowed to do whatever the fuck he wants. Those are sex workers that you know. That doesn't have any impact on your relationship. I would really beseech you to not look through your partner's phone unless you have a real fucking reason. It is a very toxic thing to do, and it will completely disassemble a relationship when you do that, because you're gonna find
something to bring up. You're gonna find something, and without that trust, it's almost like you have no foundation when you pick up someone else's phone to look through their stuff, you know, without a real reason, without something really concrete to go, wait a second, something fishy is happening here.
You know, it's none of your business what's in his phone.
It's not And in order to have a real, loving relationship, there has to be respect and trust and you have to stop doing that.
I agree, and I think, listen, you can't go back, so let's just stay. You went through his phone, and I think clearly whether it was from your past relationship that's why you did it because you have trust issues, or you also had a weird feeling about your partner. Now number one, that's an indicator you're not in a healthy relationship if you don't trust your partner. But let's say now, okay, you look through the phone. You brought
it up to him. My advice would be that you have a follow up phone call like FaceTime him and be like, Hey, I've been thinking, and I want to first apologize because I feel really shitty that I went through your phone, and I will admit part of that is on me and my baggage and my trust issues of I did that in a past relationship and I found shit that I didn't want to see, and so it almost like reinforced that I should look through because I'm going to find the hurt and I'm gonna find
out the truth that you're lying to me. What I want to say is this, I want this relationship to work, and I want to better myself and I want to be honest with you. I promise to never look through
your stuff again. I think all I can ask though from you, because it did make me a little insecure to see what you've maybe done in the past, that if you're having any type of feelings or desires or your feel like anything, just talk to me, because I would rather you be honest with me than me regret now trusting you and telling you I'm not going to ever look through your stuff again and then you go
and cheat. So I think if we can just have an open communication, but I'll be honest, it made me insecure and I want to own it because I hate how I'm feeling right now, and I just want to tell you that I think he'll really respect that you're owning your shit. But you're also asking, like, hey, meet me a little bit in the middle, because I've got some trust issues and I want this to work, but I also don't want to feel now like I'm gonna
get fucked over for trusting you. And hopefully, if it's a good relationship, he'll reassure you and be like, I haven't done this because I'm in love with you and I don't need an escort right now because I'm with you, and so I think hopefully you'll get the answer you want, but I will say if he doesn't give you a reassuring answer, and he's like, yeah, sure, I get Like, then you also have to look internally of what do you need in a relationship to feel fulfilled and maybe
he doesn't have the same type of attachment styles, et cetera to make you feel secure in a relationship.
Yeah, and this guy went out of his way, you know, a month in when you guys are just getting to know each other, to like spill all his.
Shit to you.
Like he was super upfront with that stuff. So like, this isn't even the guy I think you need to be looking at his phone right like he's he's giving it all to you already. Something that might help shift your perspective a little bit on just like maybe feeling kind of weird about.
Like he's hard sex workers.
Private Parts Unknown is a podcast and they did an episode. It's two women who host it, and they didn't ep where. They were out of the country somewhere where it's legal, and they visited massurs who did happy endings.
They both got happy endings.
They had gotten like approval from their partners to do this, and it really shifted my perspective on like what that experience is really like. But it might be worth a listen, just to help you serve you some clarity.
Yeah, good advice, Yeah yeah, yeah, because that's definitely I'm happy with the direction that the call went. That it's keeping myself in check and looking like in word at the mistakes I've made in this. But that's definitely also one of the reasons I had written into is just like my general feelings and like confusion over how I'm feeling. And I've definitely been trying to do more research into it and ask people who have maybe experienced this before and how they chose to see it.
I think, listen, I think it really does come down to insecurity, and I can relate. It's almost the same as when you see the current boyfriend you have or your partner whoever you see their ex and you're like pairing yourself and you're stressing out and oh my god, am I not enough? And am I as good in the bedroom? All that stuff. You have to find a lot of this could be fixed by you actually focusing on yourself and taking the focus off of him, work
on yourself. Are you insecure about yourself? What do you think is triggering you so much about this? And that actually should give you some power back of like, if you feel good, if you are reading the signs correctly, if you are not being shady, if you're being honest in this relationship, and you feel like it's being given back to you, that's all you have to worry about. And then your own baggage you should deal with on the side and not let it affect your new relationship.
Yeah, totally, thank you.
Right, But no more looking through his phone?
Yeah, no, no, no, no, it's a bad habit. I need to stop. Yeah, I can go. I'll call him probably, And also I'm going to Thailand with him in a week.
Yeah, I'm hoping.
Yeah, some good conversations there.
Yeah, good conversations give him the benefit of the doubt. And also when you operate out of like a higher level of existence by not reducing yourself to going through his phone, you're going to get a different energetic reaction from him as well. It's not hot when somebody's paranoid, that's not sexy.
Totally.
Yeah, Yeah, you got a good dude, So let us know how it goes. And if you have a deeper conversation with him, and maybe this can lead.
To and maybe you can enjoy your own escort and.
I know honestly, I started like looking at I just wanted to look up profiles online.
Keep an open mind. Maybe you guys can throuple up.
Yeah, like who's doing this and who are these people available?
The world is your oyster?
All right? Thanks Sandra, guys, bye bye bye. She's gonna enjoy her happy ending massage in Thailand.
I might just go to Thailand for that massage because I wouldn't mind. I mean, I once had a friend who told us some MESSU said Bakara went down on her and I was like what, I'm like, that happens to women, and she's like yeah.
Yeah, all of a sudden was just like fiddling with me.
And then he asked if it was okay for him to go down on me, and I was like, I want that, massaur.
I'm open to any sort.
Of that kind of action during a massage, Like, if you want to go down on me, I have no fucking problem with that.
FYI for all the messuses that are out here.
PSA, BSA, A, missus PSA.
Well, our last question comes from A. She says, Dear Chelsea, I need your help finding the right way to exit a group chat. This chat consists of nine of my college friends. We're now in our mid thirties. The chat started a few years ago and used to be fun, but has devolved into mostly a few people going back and forth about their own personal circumstances. What one husband did that's annoying, what one person's kid made at camp, or what kind of cosmetics someone tried out. There's never
anything substantial or frankly interesting. I should add that I don't think I've been personally addressed in the chat for at least a year. Most of the banter that takes place will happen in the middle of the work day, and I work full time, so the messages are very disruptive.
I muted it a long time ago, but of course when I open my messages and see there's eighty nine on red texts, I either feel guilty or mean by clicking open and just clear the inbox, or I end up reading the messages out of guilt and regret doing so once I've wasted my time and brain space to do so. I'm currently only close with one girl in the chat. By the way, she hates it too. I
really want to leave the chat. No one will miss my presence because I barely reply as it is, but I know that by leaving it comes off as rude and mean, how do I do this?
I don't dislike.
Anyone, and I don't want to offend anyone. Thanks A oh, I don't know.
I would say I was gonna say mute them, but then you have still have it in your inbox.
I think when you have something that's annoying you in your life, and the fact that you said no one's gonna miss you, leave that shit, and the fact that you also had the one person that you care about also hates it, the two of you leave together, be like five six, seven eight, press the button.
And get the fuck out of there.
I just feel like when you get to a certain point in your life, actually, if you're not in college and you're surrounded by like groups of people that you have to see every day, if something is not making you happy and it's annoying you and it actually makes you feel worse about yourself, goodbye.
Yeah.
And you can also just preface it if you really want to like feel good about it, being like, hey, guys, I'm sorry, I'm going to exit this chat now.
I have so much work to do.
During the day. It's become kind of a distraction. Just make up some bullshit. If you don't want to, just say so and so, you know, because it comes up so and so exited the group.
Yea.
From my personal experience, I've exited so many groups and just said I'm leaving now goodbye, without any explanation. And I have to tell you it is an onus off your back. I don't want to deal with all that shit.
So I mean, you're you should.
Just get out of it. And if you want to do it nicely, do it nicely. And if you want to just leave it, leave it.
Who cares.
Yeah, it's not a huge life decision. Just you know, make your life a little bit more simpler.
I also think that if you're feeling this way, a lot of people in that group tat are feeling this way, the fact that it's been lingering for years and people are like it's like dusty comments of like hey guys, like got back from walking the kid and like me and my husband haven't had sex and three months like any like get the fuck out of here. Just I think you should leave her. I agree, just like leave a little note like super busy, wish you all the best, like love you guys.
Yeah, yeah, yep, this line is for work.
Calls love you bye, piece it and then your other friend can leave and the other six girls who are not the three girls who keep totally totally well, there you go, as Alexandra.
You're not your full name.
It is Alexander.
Would be so funny if it wasn't, and I just kept calling you alex Now it is. Okay, We're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back.
And we're back.
All right, Well we're here to wrap up. But Alex do you have any advice you'd like from Chelsea?
Oh my gosh, I actually think we can expand a little bit on I know you started Chelsea Lately and it was gossip and celebrities and obviously comedy, and then as your career progressed, you started getting vocal about things that mattered and that you can about. And I can assume that there were some people probably that were like, staying your lane, bitch, just make us laugh and shut.
The fuck up.
I love how like say that so casually, I'm like, that's the exact quotes that I've been getting lately. How did you handle that? And like, did it did it? Do you think it affected your career in any way?
Well, when I got really political, yeah, I'm so sure it had a negative impact on my career because people I was when when Trump got elected, I just could not I was just at my I just lost it, Like I mean, I was so angry that this country could elect such a buffoon that I.
Couldn't deal with it.
And I'm sure that it did have a negative impact on my career because my manager told me, you're ruining your career, But I didn't care because you know, I believe in myself and I knew that this was more important to me.
That was the most paramount thing. People still say that to me today.
People still say, oh, you used to be funny before you got into politics. It's like, bitch, I have a special coming out on December twenty seventh. It's fucking and I just got nominated for a Grammy for my last special, So I'm still fucking funny. Aw So, I actually a multidimensional and I can care about a million different things at the same time. And I would challenge you to do the fucking same thing instead of thinking that people
are here for one purpose and one purpose only. We have a multitude of things to offer and everybody's multi dimensional. And whenever I see comments like that now, it just makes me want to be louder about the things. Negative comments about me are irrelevant. They're just irrelevant. I've spent too much time in the public eye to let that affect me.
I'm not here for the people that don't like me. I'm here for the people that do.
I love that because I obviously look up to you so much, and I have been obviously lightly stepping into just talking about things that matter. My first thing was literally human rights, and everyone's like, what the fuck, you little slut, you're getting political? Tell us how to fuck a dick, And I'm like, oh my god, I'm like, relax. It's so frustrating to see how angry people get when
you step out of your lane. And it doesn't fully bother me, but it's more just frustrating to see how closed minded people are and how enable they are to listen to something that actually will fucking affect them. Like the amount of women that were like, why are you getting political? I'm like, do you not want to have an abortion? If you don't want the baby? Like what are we up to over here, ladies.
It's also such bullshit to be like, that's your lane. Your lane is you only get to talk about sex stuff.
I do only like that your lane. No one has one lane. That's so limiting. We're not here for one lane. We're swerving.
Yeah, yeah, we're swerving. Some of us are on the shoulder, some of us are getting pulled over. You know, we have ton tones so many lanes and not I feel like is limiting too.
I remember Dax and Kristen we were talking about that because Dax is like, just stay in your lane, and at I could understand the validity of that because she was comparing herself to other actresses writing different opportunities. But at the same time, I'm like, well, no, that's limiting. None of us have one lane. We all have things to offer and let people. It's important to care about other people than yourself.
And I think when you're.
Outspoken about anything political or anything that's happening in society.
You are.
I feel very responsible and like it's mandatory. I feel that way. So yeah, I just so yeah, well, father Cooper, you did a great job today.
I mean, you're a real solid addition to this podcast. Yeah, guys, I mean.
Yeah, we're gonna call you when we have a cancelation and we're just gonna come over to your house.
Are you still living in that house that I came to you? I'm not good. I'm doing.
You came what I had, have a pocketing spot? I was like, do you have a driveway? She's like not really like what I had nothing.
I was mortified. And you would sit on the couch and you couldn't get comfortable, and you wear in your dress the whole thing. No, I'm I have a different place. Now you should come over. You should come on collar daddie.
Let's do it.
Let's do it. It'll be so fun. Yeah, everyone loves you. When you came on, it was amazing.
Oh well, this will be an even better interview now than I know who you are.
You won't up high or you will.
We'll get high together.
You should do an episode.
Yeah, let's do it.
I'll love it.
I love it. Okay, thank you Alex Cooper, We love you.
Thank you, guys.
Thanks Catherine all. Thanks, don't forget to watch my special on Netflix. You guys. Revolution, It's a revolution.
So if you'd like advice from Chelsea.
Just send us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com. Dear Chelsea is a production of iHeartRadio, executive produced by Nick Stuff, produced by Catherine Law, and edited and engineered by Brad Dickert.