Autism & Abortion with Amy Schumer

it's not even mercury retrograde right now? When isn't mercury retrograde all the time? I thought it was like once a year. It turns out it's like five times a year. Yeah, I don't know. Do you believe in that stuff, Chelsea? I mean yeah, I don't spend Yeah, the time of evening, So even eventide means the time of evening, just evening, So you can just use that whenever you want. I mean, we should go over some other words. Pull Gratudinous means beauty and grace. Oh that's a good word. What else

I mean if we're talking about time of day? I love the word madrugada, which is like it's a Spanish word, and it means like the dawn of the day or median that, which is snack time. Well that's nice. Is that happy hour? Good pronunciation by the way, Yeah, okay, that's happy hour and that's why I know that word. Excellent. Yeah, I'm actually a secret Spanish speaker. Oh you are, I am. Yeah. I lived in Uruguay for several months in high school and then went back and visit, so I've spent about

a year there. Lived in Mexico for a little while as well, and studied Spanish. And yeah, so I have a a very shushy accent in Spanish. Oh that's good to know. Well, if you ever want to get to my Orca, you know I have a place there, Well, excellent, that's great, and you could practice your Espanol. It's a beautiful, beautiful place. I was thinking about selling it, and because I hadn't been in two years, I was like, what's

the point of this? After COVID and then we went back and I was like, oh no, no, no, I'm never sell like I will sell everything I owned before I felled us. Yeah, it's it's so beautiful and i'd Spanish people. It's so funny I was saying to my girlfriends. This year, I took all of my girlfriends from my ski girlfriends met me in my workout, so they were

like eight of us or seven of us. I was like calling on and on about how Spanish are so relaxed and just laid back, you know, even there like three star Michelin restaurants, Like it's not a big deal when you go to Spain and you go to a Michelin restaurant. It's not like the rest of the world where everybody has like an attitude or you know, they're

even cassual about that. Yeah, and they're super casual. But when I got my girlfriends came from my worka this year, my friend like we were there alone for a couple of days, my friend and I, and she's like, I don't know, but it's they feel the Spanish here my orkids are very unwelcoming. And I went, oh, yeah, you're right. She's like, you haven't picked up on that. I'm like, well no, because I have that same attitude, like don't talk to me, you know, like I'm sucking happy they're

not trying to shoot the ship with me. But I was like, oh, that's interesting. And then everywhere we went, I was like, oh, they are assholes like there, and I was like, is it because we're Americans? Because usually that's the reason. And I don't you know, you can't argue that. I mean, we kind of deserve it. But then we were like proving ourselves through town and like like we're good customers, were good tippers, which you know they don't care about any way over there, but you

would think anyway. By the end of the trip, I realized that my rekinds are not friendly. We would go in and like order a drink and they'd be like, we don't have that. I'm like, you don't have the drink. I could see the bar right now. They'd like, no, thank you, Like they were basically rejecting our asking customers. That happened on more than one occasion. And forget about

renting bikes. We rented bikes at the bike shop and this woman was on such a tear that I I just walked away because I was like, Okay, I can't deal with this woman. She was so rude and so obnoxious. My friend said to her, she goes, honey, do you she to the woman, she goes, do you hate what you're doing because it's coming across that you hate what you're doing. Do you hate what you're doing because you're being so aggressive? And she had all this attitude. She goes, no, no,

listen to me. I'm asking, like a woman to woman, you should find something that makes you happy so that you can spread happiness instead of hatred. And I was like, oh wow, way to go after But then after that, the woman was like peaches and cream every time we saw her, so obviously it made a dent. Sometimes you got to just meet people where they are. I guess. Yeah.

I was like, do I have to get out my German and prove to you that I'm German because she's German the woman, But I don't know any of my German because obviously that's a heritage that you know, I'm embarrassed about because of my Nazi roots. It's a conflicting message my Nazi, my my grandfather who served in the war, and then my father and being raised Jewish. Really yeah, yeah, So I mean I don't say I think of him as a Nazi, but he did serve in the war.

On the timing checks out, yeah, so I do consider him slightly to be a Nazi. But he's dead now anyway, so it have to worry about that. Yeah, he was a prisoner of war in America for like three years, so he kind of got out of a lot of per him. A lot of the soldiers on the German side did not want anything to do with that war, but had nothing to say about it because it's your children. Yeah,

because you'd be strung up in the streets. Yeah, if you were saying no, Yeah, I'd like to think that I'm the type of person that even if my family was going to be murdered, I would say okay on principle. But that's also probably why I don't have a family, because I would easily murder them or allow them or you already got them murdered. Yeah, i'mlike the opposite of a matriarch. I'm a martyr. Oh my goodness. Okay, Well, we have a lot to get down too. I mean, we have a lot to get up to today or

down to it. It It really depends how you look on it, down reach around, I don't know. Right, Well, let's get up to something, because it sounds more mischievous. Let's get up to something. Speaking of getting up to something, our guest today is always up to something. She is. Yeah, she is a dear friend of mine, and she is a supermodel. And that is how she would like to be introduced from here. From henceforth, she would like to be introduced as a supermodel. So please welcome number one

supermodel of the century, Amy Schumer. Well, thank you. I don't know how to thank you. Well, you don't have to thank me yet. We'll save that for the end. Well, thank each other. This is Catherine Amy. This is my producer on our podcast. Hello to me likewise, and welcome to dear Chelsea. It's an honor, it's a blessing. It's a curse. It's mostly a curse. No, I'm excited to do this. Well, I'm always excited to do anything with

you because we have very similar sensibilities and annoyances. So we have a lot, we have a lot of similar character traits, Amy and I do. So one of the things that I wanted to talk to you about today. First of all, I saw your movie The Humans last night on Hulu, which was awesome. Awesome acting job, Amy, awesome acting job. Thank you for the compliment on my acting job. Thank you so much. And I hope that this is going to come out right before my my

Hulu show Life and beathen Own starting and directed. But it's not a big deal and it's not about that. It's about just people in relationships and being present. But yes, thank you for watching the Humans, and I hope that people watch Life and beath on who lou Michael Sarah pleased that my romantic love interests and to prepare, we had actual sex. That's you know, he's married, I'm married,

but we both have kids. But we wanted Hulu to have the best show they could, so tell us about the show, Amy for those of us who aren't familiar with Life and Bath, tell us what it's about and based on well it comes out on Hulu in March eighteen, and it is about a woman who Beth Me, whose life is like seems pretty great on paper, good job, hot boyfriend, new York City, good, you know, everything's good. But she's completely dead inside and complacent in her life.

And and so then there's like a big event that sort of makes her kind of look at her choices

in her life. That's perfect for this show because we get a lot of emails from people who are in that exact same position, like just the best life, yes, wanted it, but like not sure how to make a change, and or feeling feeling dead inside listless, like decl tory where you just feel like there are so many different words to describe that feeling, but it is the worst feeling when you just feel hopeless and like rudderless, that is the way to express it. Yeah, stuck and just

find yourself. At first, look what am I gonna do with my life? You're so full of hope, and then and then you get into this life and then at a certain point you kind of wake up and you're like, is this the life I want? You know? And so that's kind of what the basis of the show is. And it was really fun to make. I'm excited for people to see it. I really am. Yeah, I'm excited to see it as well. I've heard very good things

about it. And also I think it's a very relatable topic for anybody, Like people may look at Amien myself as people who are you know, living their best lives because of success or because of fame or because of money or whatever you want to relate that to. Looks exactly looks bodies. But I think that is applicable to anybody in any business. You know, there has definitely been times in my life where I'm like, is this it? This is everything I'm contributing, Like is this all I've got?

Is this as good as it gets? So it's not an unrelatable topic at all. It's something that everybody kind of feels. You know, if you're doing well in life all the time, then you're probably not learning much. And if you're feeling good all the time of out life, you're probably clueless. So I don't have anyone in my life. My darned the notifications is supposed to be off. Did you get an Amazon delivery? I wish we actually live

at an Amazon facility so we don't have to wait. Perfect. Yeah, and you're someone who I feel like You and I you know, we relate on a million things, but we first really became friends. Like I feel like, when when you meet someone else who's like really interested in having fun and having experiences, that's more rare than you think.

You know, you would think, So it's like when you know, when we got together, when when you find someone like that, you're like, oh cool, this person sort of has the same philosophy as I do, and is trying also to better themselves in the world around them, which is funny. Like you you're friends with someone and because you like hanging out, and then you kind of get to learn about them, you know, like I I don't think I knew what an activist you were, you know, just all

the things you were working on in that way. So it's kind of fun to be friends with someone and then realize how aligned you are in the you know, topics you want to give your time and energy to. Yeah. Yeah, Amy did this awesome thing on Martha's Vineyard where I've been going to Martha's Juniord since I was born. Amy's been going there for a really long time. And Chris, her husband is from Martha's Vineyard. My first husband, her first her her what is it called your what does

somebody who want to say to me? My current husband, Her current husband is from Martha's Vineyard, and her current baby is also has also spent his summers on the vineyard. But Amy did this awesome thing where she every morning last summer, every morning she had a group of people meet in Vineyard Haven or West Tisbury was it? I'm not sure that neiled for eight minutes and forty six

seconds for George Floyd. And she puts it that, orchestrated that with some members of the community, and then she had this kind of like group think after where everybody could sit down on and talk about their feelings about the issues, the feelings about everything that's going on politically in this world, and just you know, the difference between men and women and why men are a little bit having a little bit harder time understanding the equality conversation.

That's such a nice way of putting it would honor a different black person who was murdered by law enforcement every day, like somebody would come in and speak about them, And that was so meaningful to get to do that with you, and it was it was really like an amazing education. I know. I love that about you that you're always trying to educate yourself more and you're never done.

And I feel the same way. And just you know, when it comes to being an ally or an advocate, it's like you just have to be like, just tell me when I sunk up, and just try your best to help. And and no one cares about anybody's white guilt, so just save that for yourself and just help. Yeah, so that was really meaningful what I wanted to talk to you about first. I think what I found to be very inspiring about you is you're kind of understanding that your husband, Chris was on the spectrum, or your

suspicion that he was on the spectrum. Can you talk a little bit about that and like how you how

you deduced that. Yeah, So there were, you know a couple of times where like when I talked about my special where I one time I felt like we were walking down the street and I fell and just I feel like everybody would have just like nine out of time people would just be like, oh my god, are you okay, and like go to pick you up, But he just kind of like stood there frozen, you know, And it was like I was like that, that's that's

an interesting reaction. And if we were walking, if there was like three people kind of walking together, he would, without thinking about it, kind of goes straight, you know, and sort of disrupt the traffic walking the other way. You know, Like just these little things where I was

just kind of like huh. And but really I think the repetition him him repeating himself when we would have some sort of a disagreement, like he would get kind of stuck on a thought and wouldn't be able to hear what I was saying in a way that was so frustrating and I didn't understand. And then I just

kind of looked at a quiz online. You know they have these like like you know, and if you have whatever, fifteen of these thirty things year on the spectrum, and I just looked at it and it was like, oh, okay. So I just said to him, if you have any interest in being tested or learning more about this, I'm totally into it. But if you don't, then don't worry about it. And he was interested in went to a couple of different psychologists and then the one who tested him,

Dr Gilbert, who is amazing. We went in together and this isn't our documentary Expecting Amy On HBO Max, she was like, you showed enough signs. I am diagnosing you with Autism spectrum disorder a s D. It used to be called Asperger, but it turns out Asperger I'd like Nazi ties. Asperger sounds like it would have Nazi ties.

I know, it's not like that shocking. You're like, I think we know which side you were on Dr Asperger and and it was really helpful and like for us communicating and working with this doctor and understanding the sort of different brain chemistry and we really you know, he has his own experience of it, but he felt a lot better and under just to understand your brain more and have things make sense from your whole life and people, you know, being sort of I mean, he's really gifted.

You know, he's a James Beard Award winning chef and uh, he's an amazing cookbook, the Beetlebung Farm Cookbook, which is about the farm he grew up on, a Martha's vineyard. But it was it really helped him and I think other people that he grew up around that you know, makes sense and it helps us communicate. And then we wanted to share it because just to get rid of not get rid of the stigma, but just help be Like I'm married to this beauty, a full amazing person

and he's on the spectrum. And so many people are on the spectrum. So many people friends of mine, they're kids that you know, they don't get diagnosed because they're afraid of that stigma, I think, and it's a shame. So I really we both wanted to encourage people to get tested and just find out because the tools that you're given are really helpful. Yeah, and also identifying the problem. One thing. Another thing Amy and I have in comment

is that we're both doctors. Medical doctors obviously, because we're able to make diagnoses like this quite frequently and doctor, and I was and I take a lot of pride

in that. And I was very really impressed that you were able to spot that, and that also impressed by Chris's inclination to actually explore it because there is this you know, I can't tell you how many friends of mine have children who don't want to go get tested because they don't want to find out the truth, or people with medical conditions that are not spectrum related that don't want to get tested because they don't want to find out the truth. And the truth is it will

make your life better. The truth is such power. It's a tool. Then you have tools to use to understand not only you, but how you relate to people, and helps the people around you understand how to relate to you. It's so important. My mom is a speech and hearing therapist for the deaf, and you know there are these there's this invention, the cochlear implant, where they can get some hearing and she, you know, she signs with them

and whatever. But some parents didn't want to get that for their kids, and they didn't want them to speak sign. They would rather their children, this is not even that long ago. They would rather their children try and lip read and speak and not sort of admit to being deaf. And I think of it as the same way. It's just don't you want your child to have all the tools possible to feel the best and succeed. So, yeah,

I feel really strongly about it. So does Hee. But amazingly people who watched our documentary have reached out and we're like, that encouraged me. And I got diagnosed and I am so grateful and and things have been a lot better and my relationships and that was like the best outcome. Yeah, that is a good outcome. It's nice. It's nice to be able to do that. And now, I know you posted once and I don't know if we've talked about this personally, but you were talking about

gene preternaturally having the same kind of diagnosis. Is that what are what are the percentages of that? Like how do you what's the deal with I think the statistics are pretty strong towards he will most likely have autism. Parents have different journeys with this. You know, having a child with severe autism is beyond my imagination difficult. But if Jean, if he does wind up having a s D, I'm not looking for the signs in in a way that I that are upsetting it. I I'm not hoping

either way. It's like most of my favorite people are on the spectrum. But yeah, he's two and a half, and I think they don't diagnose children until like maybe six, you know, like the earliest. I think, you know, you could see some signs, but diagnosis doesn't come till later. And I can say, honestly, I don't have a preference either way. You know, everybody, you just want your kids to be happy and healthy. I think that's one of

the most important things that you guys are doing. And raising awareness about this is like showing people that it's not the end of the world. I have a family member who's somewhere on the spectrum, and a friend of mine the other day was saying, you know, she was really worried because her nephew they're thinking he might be on the spectrum, and she was really concerned, and I said, you know what, it's not a guarantee that they won't

be able to live a normal, functional life. I mean, this family member of mine, he's married, he's got a great job, he runs its own business. Like he is extremely creative and interesting and like goes to dance parties and you know, frolics in the woods. But like it's not something that necessarily has to be super scary. I

don't think it's scary as all. All. Oh, I'm sorry your your child might be gifted, right, maybe it's a most people, not everybody's like it's some you know, incredible genius with antism, but most most people, like they do have a real talent and for something so and they're beautiful, loving, kind people and good partners. And I'm sorry that they're not going to be able to do a good job active listening to you at a party, but that I

think that's okay, Yeah they're not. And that is one of my favorite things about Chris is that like once he was diagnosed, it's like you just have a full license to just if if someone's in the middle of a long, boring story. He will just straight up walk away, you know, and I'm just and everyone's like, oh, there goes Chris, you know, and I still have to stand

there and listen, even though I'm dying. I want to do chime in and say one of the cutest things that Chris said about Amy when I asked him why he fell in love with her, as he said, I knew that she would be an amazing mother. Pretty cute. That was pretty. That is so cute because I didn't even think I wanted kids when we met. I actually told him I didn't want kids when we met, and he said, we are going to have kids and they're going to be great. And I was like, oh, okay.

It was pretty easy to convince me. And you know about that. I don't know if I told you this yet. But there's a lot I want to talk about on this as well. But one of the things is that we I did IVF. We made embryos and I went went through the IVF process, and which is so hard and so many people go through it, and it's just these women I am. My heart goes out because you know, people do it so many times. I did it one time and I was like, I'm gonna die. This is awful.

And I got like thirty one eggs and I just felt so I was like, I'm fertile, myrtle. I just like felt very hot. And then boom boo, like the drop off after you know, fertilization and blah blah. We only got one normal embryo and we tried and it didn't work. So and now I don't have a uterus, so we're going to have just one child and we're just enjoying our little family and I'm just focusing on that.

And I think that, you know, there's so much pressure, like once you have a kid of another one, you're just like, but I'm excited about it, and but it I was sad, you know, and and it's like it's not really something you get sympathy for because it's like you already have one, bitch, like shut up. But you know that's a real struggle people go through as well.

And so I just wanted to share that that we we tried and we're just gonna have the one perfect, little little adorable angel when there you have at everybody, Those are your words of inspiration today from Amy. I have other I have other words of inspiration. Here's something else I wanted to talk about on here, if it's okay. If it's okay, I just wanted to say I think I may have told you this. So I got LiPo, I got LiPo section. Um, I never thought I was

gonna do anything like that. Like when I would hear LiPo section, I was just like, that's so crazy to me, and I would say, I'm not ever going to do anything. Cut to turning forty after having a C section and being like, Hi, I can't feel my pupa anymore, like and it just is out there, and endometriosis and he's and my endometriosis surgery. I was like, I healed well. So I was like, can I get light bow? And

I got light bow and I'm feeling really good. And I just wanted to say that because if anybody sees me in pictures or anything and they're like she's looking she looks thinner and whatever, it's like, it's because I had I had a surgery. I just it's it's too hard and I just want to be real about it. So I just wanted to share that on here. Well, I appreciate your truth. It's always good to be honest with the world and women especially women need our honesty

more than ever now. And I'm glad that you're healing well, and I'm glad that I know you, honey. I'm glad I know you, Honey. We're gonna take some callers because we have real people that call in for advice, and we try to curate the episode towards you, and you're kind of areas of experience. So Catherine will start, but we have like two or three callers and we give our advice real life stuff. So that's what Dear Chelsea is. Yeah, yeah, very high ends. And before we do that, we have

to take a small break for some ads. Okay, perfect time for a should be and we're back, and we're back. Welcome back. That was so quick. Whenever I go to the bathroom, Joe says to me, God, that was quick. I'm like, women do not hang out on the toilet like men do with car magazines or men whatever the funk they're on the phone. I find it really gross when I go into somebody's bathroom and there is just a pile of magazines. It's like, oh God, It's like,

excuse are you inviting me? To take a shodub and then also read while I'm sitting on your toilets, and like all the pages are you like, you know, and You're just like this is so gross, but you know, what do you do? You still? I pick it up and I read it whatever it is, and I'm just I'm just like, I guess I need to read this. Do cross word now? I mean to be fair, no one's been in our house for two years, so it's just those magazines to the master bathroom, sorry, the primary bathroom. Yeah,

just leave the toilet on the front. And well, our first call comes from Claire. Claire says, dear Chelsea, I suspect my husband is on the autism spectrum. This is right up your alley, Amy, whoa it's And that's wild to me that you figured that out after you were together. I figured it was just something I always knew about him. But I think that's great. Diagnosed at thirty nine, that's wild.

I love that it's come up before in social situations, more as a joke about how incredible he is at math and solving problems accurately in his head, not to mention his recall of sports stats. But is that everyman. I hadn't really considered that he might be on the spectrum until we reached out to a psychiatrist about our

daughter and some behaviors we were struggling to understand. He recommended some resources about autism and girls since it's not easily identified, and immediately, intuitively, I felt like it was true for my husband as well. Since then, I've been in turmoil. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety since having kids, and now I'm realizing we've been living in this pattern of me feeling like I'm asking for help, but he doesn't quote pick up on what I'm saying.

I know you have a good friend, Amy Schumer is actually like before anybody even knew you were coming on which her friend. She even wrote in the subject like this is for Amy Schumer. If she gets is that how I got booked? We reached fan request thank you, Claire, Yeah, she says, I know you have a good friend, Amy Schumer that is successfully married to a man who is on the autism spectrum. How do I encourage him to

reach out for more resources without pushing him? I also need him to take on more of the lead parent, but his view can be very black and white, that he's the breadwinner and needs to be available to his job eight am to five pm Monday through Friday. At the same time, he often tells me that he has flexibility. I'd love to hear from someone living this reality help Claria. Oh well, Claire, I so feel you. I just so feel you, and and you know, to say successful, it's

like it's still really hard. It's not marriage. It's marriage. And he is my friend, you know, like we love hanging out with. He's who I want to hang out with, He's who I want to watch TV with. And then there are some moments that are really hard and we lean on our therapist a ton in those times. Get we get a phone session and and she really helps us. And so I think the thing is the initial thing of wanting him to get tested. The way I approached it was just, you know, it wasn't like a really

friendly way. You know, it wasn't like it wasn't in the heat of a fight or something like that. It was just proposing it to him. And I think everybody's family is different. I don't know her husband. He might be resistant to that, but I would just say, like I know it's so hard. So I'm sorry because I know it's it is really hard, and yeah, and sometimes you're even like saying exactly what you need, but the black and white is a real thing, you know. Like, actually,

we had a fight the other day. I was taking Jeane to gymnastics, and he's amazing at gymnastics, obviously, and I was hustling to get there, you know, and I'm like, and it's hard, like it's physically hard, you know, people I'm forty, Like it's not I don't have like a toddler. Toddler's like forty pounds, and it's hard to get him in places, you know. So I get there, rushed there, and then we get in and you know, and the mask and the whole thing, and there's like thirty little

Hasidic girls doing tumbling. And I realized that we were a half hour early because Chris told me it was a half hour, and so I text him, I'm going to kill you, like you do that what you text your husband in that situation. And he got really upset, like he didn't think I was going to kill him, but he just thought that meant like furious or whatever. And yeah, and he kind of when we spoke later,

was like really fired up. But because it's so black and white, and I'm like, no, you know, if I also there are sometimes I would send like a heart or like a smiley face to someone and he'd be like, I think that's like inappropriate, you know, And I'm like, no, you don't understand, like text culture or whatever. But my point is I think approaching it, like I looked at this online questionnaire, and I think that it would be

really helpful to me and our kids. And it would mean a lot if you would if you look at getting tested and maybe they'll find nothing or maybe they'll help us and give us the tools. That's what I would say. Yeah, And I think educating yourself also in the interim, like there was a book that I know that I sent you Amy that Chris had read, that he and I had talked about. I think what was it called how to be Autistic, how to Live a happy how to be happy with autism, or We'll find

out that what was that? It was really amazing. It's like, so, but that is such a good perspective, yes, because it really breaks down that all different you know, any diagnosis is not similar to the next diagnosis that everyone with autism is experiencing some thing differently, but it gives you an idea of how language and simple cues are different for people who are on the spectrum versus people who aren't, and that we live in a world that is built

for people that are not on the spectrum, and there are all these gifts even though that sometimes it can feel like shortcomings when your partner doesn't react or interact in the way that you would. It feels like it's in a side or or or or in a front maybe. But when you understand where they're coming from, you realize that that they're making a contribution that you're not making. They have something to offer that you don't have to offer.

So so really recognizing and understanding what those things and those gifts are really helps you elevate that person in your mind instead of to be annoyed at at their lack of such a good point. And yeah, it's like that is my one criticism about therapy. It's like, why are we trying to teach them to do it our way? You know, It's like why is our way the right way? And so some of those things, like for younger people, I think it's easier they if they get helped socially,

they get there. There's also a book called something about best Practices being like oh and you can watch they recommended like watch Letterman or listen to Stern interviews to hear how people react and you know, just like to see what sort of normal social cues look like, what's normalized and yeah, and it's a little bit like, well, is my way the right way? And you're exactly right where if I were a single mom and I was raising Gene alone, I would feel so bad for him

with what I have. Chris and I need, we need each other and parenting because we have such different instincts, and you know, I'm just like want to carry Gane around on a satin pillow and Chris is like, I'll let him like ride his bike down that hill, and I'm just you know, so yeah, gosh, Claire, I really

feel for you. And and I think having a plan if you come up with like sort of a schedule, like you know, because you said he get some flexibility at work, so it's like, how about Monday, Wednesday, Friday, these hours you are present and do these things with the kids, you know, so coming up with a schedule that he can think about and look forward to, and then making sure that you broach the subject to say the way that Amy said, you know, not in the heat of a fight, always in a calm, loving way,

like it's you guys finding out this together as a team for the sake of your family. It's a whole unit involved. It's not you being accusatory and saying this is what's wrong with you, this, this, and this and this.

It has to come from a very loving place. I really, I'm proud of how I've the job I've done with never weaponizing his diagnosis, you know, like I never like because there are times where I just feel totally sure that it's because of the difference in our brain chemistry, but it's just never good to bring I just would never bring it up in like you know, well you're doing this because of right. Yeah, yeah, it's just and

I that's why I just I lean on our trusted therapist. Okay, So those books are The Journal of Best Practices by David Finch and How to Be Autistic by Amelia Poe. Have you seen that show Love on the Spectrum, either of you? Hell? Yeah, I love it it. I want more. I know, I was so bummed when the first season like pretty clearly ended because the pandemic started like a

mid season. But it's just delightful. The only thing about that show is I wish that they showed different you know, it's love on the spectrum, but the people are all kind of in a similar place on the spectrum, if I may. You know, it's like I wouldn't say severe. You know, they're all functioning, lovely people. But I think that's why people when something's about the spectrum, they go all the way in one direction, and there is a spectrum. There's so you know, there's so many people who would

would never know Chris is on the spectrum. But I mean that show just makes me think for Claire, like some of the frustrations in her marriage may come from him potentially being on the spectrum, but also some of the real joys in her marriage may come from that. Maybe he's like really funny and blunt, like maybe he has an incredible creative side, you know, whatever it is, some of the joys of her marriage may be coming from that as well. I'm sure they are. I'm sure

they are. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing and I'm there's no one I would rather be with. You know, It's just I don't even mean that in like a sweet way, but you know, the grass is always greener. But it's just like, if I'm not with Chris, I'm alone, you know, because I was ready to be alone and then that this guy. I was like partnering up with this guy and that's that and you have it? Yeah, and he can cook. So can we have a prenup? We don't need it. We don't need it. Yeah. Well,

our next color is Sarah, she says. Dear Chelsea. First of all, I had married you so much and have been a fan of yours for years. Long story short, I had an abortion almost two years ago. My partner was an absolute asshole and was secretly in a relationship with the mother of his other child the entire time we were seeing each other. He made my abortion experience an absolute nightmare. I've since grown a lot. I even went to work for Planned Parenthood and recently became a

volunteer counselor for an abortion support text line. However, I still struggle and feel a sense of emotional and sexual trauma, and I have major trust issues and just think everyone is out to hurt me. I've been debating whether or not to email you. But if there's one person who can knock some sense into me, I know it's Chelsea. Look forward to hopefully talking with you one day. Thanks so much, Sarah. Hi, Sarah, Hi, Chelsea, Hi, Catherane Hi, Hi,

and Amy here Hi, Sarah Hi. Oh my gosh, Hi surprised. Yeah, You've got lots of strong women here today to held a lot of support here today. Oh my gosh, here, thank you. Yeah, such a great question. Thank you for that question. I mean, it's not for me, but you know, if that's really Yeah, First of all, good for you for having the strength to go through with getting an abortion when you're in a toxic relationship and knowing that

that wasn't gonna fit having a baby. It wasn't going to fix it when you're with somebody that can't participate in that way. So first of all, you made a really strong decision on your own and you should give yourself a lot of credit for that. Thank you. And I think I'll go first, Aby. I think that we all go through all of these kinds of feelings. You know, men have a way or whomever you're sexually attracted to.

You know, there there have a way of screwing us up, but you don't ever have to think of that as a permanent state of being. I've been in toxic relationships with friends or with lovers or whatever, and that is never a permanent thing. It's a period of time that you go through and then it's your job to dig yourself out of it. And the first you're already out of the relationship. So the hard part and the most

difficult thing is doing that. Is getting rid of somebody that you know that you have feelings for, and not going through with having a baby with that person is another strong move. So I think you've already set yourself up for a lot of success, and it's just about now getting yourself mentally equipped and fit enough to know that you're not going to allow that. Like you said, these are my standards. They're not down here, they're up here. And now the world has a way of meeting you

in the moments that you are in. You know, when you lift yourself up, things come to you in that way, and when you don't think highly of yourself, lower things come to you, Lower quality things come to you. So I think you're like already on your way to like great stuff and goodness, and you should enjoy this time of growth because that's what it is. Thank you, that is I just like really just appreciate that questions so much.

And I just heard this, and I don't know, it might not resonate, but somebody said to me, the grief is unexpressed love, and so I think I think that grief will probably always be with you, and so to try and not like shoot it away but sit with it. And I just think that you made such a great decision because you wouldn't have been welcoming that child into a good situation. And I think that's that is exactly and so I think that is like the most extreme

act of of real love. And when you do become a mother, if you do, you know, I if that's something you want, then I think that decision will be even stronger to you. Because I just all of my friends, I really don't have anyone in my phone who hasn't had an abortion, I mean really like truly, but that doesn't make it any less like sort of painful or traumatic. But and most of my friends have all in miscarriages, So like these these insanely traumatic things, even though they

are more normalized. It's just like, you have every right to have that trauma, I would say, And I think it's really cool to share that, and because I'm sure it will make so many people feel better. I hope so, especially right now. Yeah, I really hope so. And I think it's the craziest thing. Thank you both for all that you just said, because for me, it's like this is very validating because like when it happened, I felt so long because I didn't know anybody else that had

had an abortion. It wasn't something I ever really talked about with my friends and family because why would you, you know what I mean. So when it happened, I just didn't really know what to do or who. Like I was in a state. I was in Chicago by myself. I didn't have any friends or family there. So my sister flew to be with me, thank goodness. So she came to be with me, and she's been my like

rock ever since. She always has been. But one of the first things she said to me when she came to Chicago, though, she was like, I was crying, it was a mess, and she was like, Sarah, it's gonna be okay, Like, didn't Chelsea Handler have an abortion? And that's the first time when I smiled. That was the first time I left. That was the first time I felt any sense of like I'm not alone because there is someone else out there that I connect with in

some way that has been through it. So I and then from that point forward, I just started researching, you know, like reading people's stories on different websites and stuff like that, and then that really helped me to grow and to know that there are so many other people that I've had similar situations or but now it's like I'm just kind of like cleaning up the mess that this person

made in my life. And every time I think I'm over it or like I'm healed, and something happens where I'm like, oh no, I still have a lot to work on and a lot to do. So do you think people can heal ChEls? Do you think people can fully heal? Like is that a realistic goal? I think? You know. I mean, I don't know if you fully heal, but I know from my my own personal experience, like I went to therapy. I don't know how many years ago, it was, like it was five years ago I went.

I went for two years, and the after effects of it didn't really start to sprinkle throughout my life until like this year. So it's like it's a long duration. And if someone had told me, like, oh, you're gonna go to therapy and then five years later you're going to meet the love of your life, or five years later you're gonna have all these great career highs or whatever, I would have been like, funk, that's too fucking long.

I don't have five years, you know what I mean. Like, I invested in therapy for two years and then I let I and I just kind of went away from that because I wanted to apply it to my own life without leaning on my therapist. Right. I think a lot of people don't want to start therapy because they think you need to be in it forever, and some people do. But I think a lot of therapists would say that most people get to a point where they can kind of graduate and use the tools they've learned

on their own. So I think that you just have to be patient with yourself about the duration of time, because now everything in my life is better than I could have ever expected at at this age, I thought oh fun. You know, like I thought at this age i'd be retired living in Spain. Now I'm like having

the best time of my life. I'm in love. I have so many great things going on, and I'm in a place where I can really be grateful for it and be present for it instead of being an asshole or thinking I deserve it, or being kind of like

too cool for school, you know what I mean. So I think that you just have to really be patient with yourself and understand that these times in between relationships, especially when you're cleaning up the emotional mess that a relationship has kind of unleashed, these are growth, huge growth spurts for us, and be patient with yourself during that time, allow yourself to grow, and allow yourself to heal, because healing does happen. I don't know if we're ever really healed.

I feel really healed about my brother dying. I feel like I got that out in such a big way, and that now I feel healed. I don't feel like something was taken away from me anymore, I understand. So I just know that you're emotional right now out and you have every right to be, and you should sit with your pain like Amy said, I'm you know, I totally believe that. And I think you're gonna be fine. I think you're gonna be just fine. And you're and

you're a badass. You're a badass. You're the ship. Good stop stop, thank you live. I live in Portland's now Portland, Oregon. Oh cool, Okay, so they're good people around you. And I live with my sister now, so we have she is like dream. It's like a living therapist almost. It's it's the best thing ever. And I've told my you know, ever since that happened, like I've I've opened up to my family, so my parents know. Now that's why I'm like putting it out here on a podcast because I'm

like my parents. Everyone that I love and cherish in my life, they all know and they all support me. So and you'll have so many people tell you me too, me too, Me to me. It's like HPV. Like in college. You know, I opened up at like one party, and you know, it's like, yeah, it's true. It's like the more people I told, the more I heard compete well

that I have been friends with for years. They'd be like, we'll kind of tell you something like I did too a few years ago, and then it just kind of opened the floodgates of my life of just being like, you know what, now, I feel like it's my purpose and like my mission in life too open up to people and talk about it and be like, I don't know and not an example, but you know what I mean, just someone that can be relatable and that you know, if I tell it, a beautiful, brave choice. Yeah it is.

It's scary, of course, but it's also like I feel like if I don't talk about it, then I'm contributing to the like stigma around it of not talking about it and not exactly That's why it's so helpful right now too. And honestly, if like you know, if anybody in your life had judgments about it, wouldn't you want

to get them out of your life anyway? Because like, yeah, yeah, one of the things that I wanted to mention to Chelsea was that, like, I feel like that's something I really struggle with with in terms of relationships, is that I don't know whether or not to tell people sometimes and I I do kind want to weed them out at this point, like if you're not gonna support that decision,

that I made. Then, like, I don't think you have a spot in my life anymore, because this is a huge part of who I am in terms of like a relationship, like I would be with someone that is against it. It's just really weird for me, and it's it feels like it's now part of my identity. But you also don't need to tell anybody, you know. It's like I don't think on a first date, you know, you gotta should we start with a drink? I had an abortion. You know, you can tell anybody when you're comfortable.

Some I know, I know some women who are married who never never say anything. And I would also argue that you know, in the moment we're in in this period of time, the louder that we can be about abortion, the better. So if you are comfortable with it, I think you should be talking about it, you know, like it's obviously your personal choice. But like people really need to seem to be really mistaken about how essential this

is in life. So it's very important that if you are you willing to use your voice, that you do thank you and keeps posted. Okay, let us know how your life goes. Well, I'm coming to your show in Feanruary, so I'll great, I'll see you there then. Thank you so much, Chelsea and am thank you, take care, thank you bye bye. Wow. That was a perfect caller for this for this episode with Amy. Yeah, do we have time for it? A last quick one? Um, yes we do. We have Tiffany on the line. No, not different, I

mean she's wonderful too. Uh Dear Chelsea, She says, I'm so envious of the relationship you have with your siblings. How do you do it? I have one sister who is seven years younger than me. With our age difference, we weren't close growing up, but the relationship hasn't improved with age. We've both been divorced and remarried. We both now have blended families. I'm forty one, she's thirty four. She lives about an or and a half from me, and we never talk because she hates my husband. According

to her, he reminds her of her ex husband. Ever since marrying him four years ago, she's barely spoken with me. She's invited me and my son to holidays at her home, but required I not bring my husband or his kids, which I'm not going to do. I've invited her entire family to our home for many holidays, but she never attends. I called her several times, but she doesn't answer, or does and gets off the phone within five minutes. I send Christmas gifts for her kids, but they're criticized. I

don't know what to do at this point. I'd love to have a relationship with my sister, but it is seemingly impossible at this point. Do I keep trying to reach out to her or light the match on this bridge? Tiffany, Wow, Hi, Tiffany, Hey, Chelsea, it's so good to visit with you. And Amy's here today as our special guy. Tiffany, Oh, oh my gosh, Hey Amy, it's so good to see you. You too. I really appreciate that question, sister, really you it's so tough.

And this is Catherine, Tiffany. This is my producer, co host, Catherine. Yes, we've chatted. We've chatted, Okay, okay, of course, yes, of course. So that sounds like a very very difficult situation and really frustrating for you. Huh. Yeah. And since I sent that, we've had Thanksgiving come up and Christmas planning and so again, you know, I invite everyone over for the holidays to our house and she never comes. She doesn't bring her family.

It's just like, here we go again with this game of oh, well you can come and your son can come, but your husband and his kids can't. And we're all one big, happy family. I mean, our kids are all there and fifteen, so it's really odd to say, oh, I'm gonna ditch half of my family to go to your house. It's just odd. And I keep trying to reach out, like can we do lunch? Can we talk about this, and she's just not having it. So I'm just wondering, when do I just say, hey, look me up,

when you can be civil with my family. Oh, on the one hand, I do. I mean, I fully identify with this from like a sister perspective, and sisters can be so difficult. And I think some of it maybe because she's a little younger, but you know, kind of thinking about it from this perspective of your husband reminds

her of her ex husband. I went through an abusive relationship in college, and for years afterward, if I was walking down the street and even saw someone who like looked vaguely like this person, my like body would tense up. I was like I felt like I wanted to punch

this random stranger, like it was a visceral reaction. So my thought is, like it may have something to do with that, But that's also sort of her thing that she needs to process because your husband is a different person, you know, she needs to get to know him and make a judgment call based on him. Can I ask, does your sister have any sort of a possible personality disorder? I'm serious, like did she struggle like in any way growing up that you think that there could be some instability?

They're just totally like, not meaning to project, but just curious. I mean, no, I don't. I Actually what Catherine was saying may make sense. I mean, her previous relationship was an abusive relationship, so that could very well be the case. But I guess my confusion is like even the kids, like the kids can't even associate with your kids. I mean,

it's trick that is so brutal. I just want to say, like I I really, I really really feel this, And I just think the narratives that people create, they're almost

none of our business. They're so everybody just writes their own story about every person, no matter how close you've been or anything, and to try and chase it and correct it and whatever is an impossible task, I would say, And if I were you, I would just say the door is open any time, and then I would back off because probably each of those invitations isn't landing well with her. That's what I would say. But it's really painful,

and I'm and I'm really sorry, especially the kids. That's horrendous. Yeah, I appreciate that well. And you know the reason I wanted to write in is because you know, Chelsea is is well now one of five, and yeah, vacation together. It seems like with that many siblings there would be some things that come up and that Chelsea's obviously worked through. And I'm thinking, God, I have one sibling and I can't make it work with just the one. And I'm trying everything I can do, and I hate to to

just cut her off. But at the same time your fault at all. I'm open to having a relationship with you, but you can't just keep saying Okay, well you can't talk about your husband, or you can't bring your other kids here. I mean, it's that's a lot. And have you attempted to just have like a lunch with her one on one so that you guys can talk about it like adults. Yeah. So the closest we've gotten to that is a couple of years ago, right before a hit.

I actually made lunch plans with her and drove an hour and a half to her house and then I was like, hey, I'm having I called her, Hey, I'm having trouble finding exactly where your house is because she had moved, and she's like, oh, I totally forgot about that. Yeah, that won't work for me, and she canceled on me after I had already driven out there. I've tried calling her and she doesn't answer. She is like, oh, the kids are bothering you know, the kids are bothering me.

I gotta go. The conversations are just a couple of minutes, and then she wants to get off of them. Well I would just I would probably have one last effort, and in that effort, whether it's an email, sometimes that lands better because people have time to digest it and reread it, or a phone call or an in person meeting, if you prefer, whatever your preferences, with one last effort to just say hey, listen, we're sisters. You're the only

sister I have. I'm the only sister you have. I understand that you have some issues, but if you know, you have to kind of take it from my perspective. This is my family. This is not your ex. Husband is my husband. These are my children, these are his children, These are the people I love the most in my world. As my sister, I would love for you to have open arms to my whole family and not try to segment our family to your liking. That doesn't really work

for us. But my door is always open because I love you. I'm always happy to see you one on one. It's when she starts to bifur kate the family that that's not kosher, you know, Like, I'm always happy unless your husband has done something to hurt her that you

haven't mentioned, or has been awful to her in any way. Right, So, so it's just a reasonable rational email explaining like that you will always love her, that you always desire a relationship with her, and that it seems really unreasonable the demands that she makes in order to see her, and leaving the door open, like Amy said, you know, for future whatever, and then make peace with that with yourself because you have to be the one that's okay with that.

Somebody just said that to me. They said, the most important relationship you'll ever have is with yourself. So it's obviously like really painful for you. So I would do whatever you have to to take care of yourself. I

really appreciate that. I think that's what I needed. I to hear that saying that to her is okay, you know, putting that line in places okay, and I Chelsea, I like how you phrased it that, you know, okay, one on one if you want to meet up, that's great, But once you start segmenting my family, that's where it becomes a problem. I think that phrasing is really good. So yeah, and I like the idea of an email too, so that I'm not, as you know, quick to to

say something over the phone. I like that a lot. Yeah, and make sure it's loving from the beginning and the end shouldn't be fire. It should be loving because when you read loving words, it's like they have a way of resonating more so then I think sometimes even hearing them, you know what I mean. Yeah, I like that a lot. Thank you for but let us know what happens. Okay, keep us posted. I will thank you all. Thank you. So nice to see you, Tiffany, so good to see you, Chelsea.

If you ever decide to come to you know, conservative hell Oklahoma, then let us know. We're ready to to have your stand I watch your stand up on Netflix. But you know you don't come to Oklahoma very often because it's like Republican, like crazy. Yeah. Yeah, I think I crested people there too. I think I crossed the Oklahoma off my list at some point, but I will revisit it. Okay, Okay, I think we should come to Canada. But take care and good luck with your sister. Thank you,

Thanks Tiffany. We are going to take a quick break so you can hear and add and then we'll be right back. So sad. I know family family ship is always so annoying. An. Do you get in stuff with any of your siblings at holiday times? Yeah? I mean my brother. Yeah. Yeah. It's a constant negotiation. It's a life long you know, it is really painful. But I do think I do believe what I said to her, where you have to like at a certain point if

it's hurting you, like she's in a lot of pain. Yeah, and if it's hurting you, like do what you need to do so that you're not in pain. So if something has this dynamic, you know, and at a certain point if you need to step away, then I think you just have to do that. And just to know that she doesn't have to keep chasing her, that she can just allow her sister to come to her when

she's ready. But yeah, I think Chelsea, what you said about it has to like start an end with compassion and like really hammer home the compassion rather than well that's because that's what I learned in therapy. Like I would always just be like, this is what you fucking did.

You can't that's the thing. You really, whatever narrative her sister has made up, it's not just that her husband triggers her, like she has created a story, you know, And in that email you're talking about it, if she were like he's never done anything, it's like not helpful. It's like they are going to believe, you know, whatever

they've written in their mind. Anyway. Life and Bath is on Hulu March eighteen, Fabulous everybody, and yes, don't forget Amy had LiPo and Life and Death is on Hulu Hulu, and I'm confusing my own book with her show. Life and Bath will be on not Hilo, Hulu fabulous large. It premieres and everything Amy does is awesome, so make sure you fucking check it out. I mean that's accurate. Amy. Did you have any advice that you wanted to ask Chelsea for? Oh? Oh, I didn't know it was supposed

to be advice. It doesn't have to be. It doesn't have to whatever it is. I have two questions. I have two questions, okay. One is what do you think my reputation is with people in our industry? Well, that's a good question to I think your reputation is. I think that you are considered to be a badass. I would say, I think that you're in control of your own decision making. And I would say that people know that you're tough and right back at you. What do

you think your reputation is the same within the business? Yeah, I would say that too, when you don't. We really like each other. So and you know what I say, If no one thinks you're a cunt, you're not doing it right On that note, counts out, counts out, y'all. Thank you, Amy, I love you so much. I love you so much. Alright, really nice meeting and Katherine. Alright, okay, stand up dates. I have Winnipeg coming up March tenth and March eleventh. There are still tickets to the second show,

which I believe the second show was added on the tenth. Yes, we have two shows coming up in Toronto March twelve. You can get tickets to the late show still for that, and then I'm going to Ottawa, and then I picked back up in Cedar, Rapids, Des Moines and Omaha April fourteen,

and then every weekend and through July. So pick your tickets up, go buy them at Chelsea handler dot com and you'll see me on my People's Choice Award winning comedy tour, the best tour of one, and even though it's two, I consider it to be the best tour of two as well. Thank you, And if you'd like to get advice from Chelsea and one of her guests, please write into Dear Chelsea Project at gmail dot com