Hi Catherine, Oh, Hi Chelsea, Welcome back to la.
Oh Hello shallo.
Chelsea. I have an update from one of our callers. This is from Emily. She called in on our Joel Kim Booster episode a while back. She was having some difficulty getting her writing done and we gave her some advice. Emily says, Hi, Catherine and Chelsea. Update about my no nonsense writing habits that I've been improving in the last
few months since I talked to you guys. I actually ended up quitting my job and going back to school for graduate studies, and not surprisingly, that has really helped put me back into the writing headspace I was first in when I started the series back in my undergrad I took Chelsea's suggestion and I now dedicate the first hour or two of my day to writing. And you were right. Not only does it feel less like a chore, but the quality of what I'm putting out is a
lot better. I'm no proud to report that the first three books in my series are done, and the first two we'll be ready for beta readers in the next time four to six weeks.
There we go, Yes, there we go.
My sister and I are trying to budget coming to see you soon, So I'm looking forward to seeing you live again. Thank you both so much. I really love the advice and continue to admire and religiously listen to the show. Emily.
Ah, that's incredible, I know, love it.
Well.
Our guest today is already on the line, but she's been named one of Variety's ten Comics to Watch, and you can watch her first hour long special on the streamer Veeeps ve EPs and it's hysterical. So shall we let her on the line.
Hi, Blair Saki Saki Sucki.
Hi Chelsea, how are you?
Oh cute, You're so cute. Well, we're happy to have you. Rosebud Baker texted me. She said, you have to have this girl Blair Saki on. I thought it was so chy. So it's Sucki, Suki Sucki. And she's like, you're gonna love her and she loves you, and I was like, oh my god, I love a young comedian that I'm not familiar with.
Oh that's so nice.
Yeah, of course. So it's so nice to meet you.
It's so nice. I've been such a fan for so long. I was like, this is just a thrill for me.
So what's your story? Tell me about yourself.
I well, first I was reading that you got certified in a lot of different kind of wellness genres over COVID. So you are certified? What are you a mindfulness instructor?
What are you?
Hush?
You know, how do you identify tell us?
I guess I identify as comedian. But when we were in lockdown in LA, like just things got so weird. I just started taking on like courses compulsively. I took two levels of breath work. I did TM, I did tapping, you know, eft tapping.
Uh huh.
I did reiki. I'm still not sure what reki is.
No one.
I've also done raiky and left more confused than when I arrived.
Yeah, but I just started taking courses I got really Rosebud was like, we're gonna have to tie you to the ground so you don't float away.
So which what was your favorite thing that you got that you took a course in or got certified in over COVID.
Uh.
I guess breath work was the first one that I did that sort of started it at all, because I didn't know that breath work that you could just your body could feel like that just from breathing. It was really really bizarre.
Who did you do it with?
I did it with these people called Revelation breath work. They have a lot of classes. But yeah, I remember just being so shocked because we have DMT in our spinal fluid. So I don't know. I know you've done psychedelics. I've dabbled myself, and I was pretty shocked about how your body felt.
You know, how did it feel?
Oh?
I mean it just feels like your your whole body's vibrating like you're high. It's it's bizarre. Ooh yeah, have you ever tried it?
No?
I'm not good at breathing, so I'm always a little put off. Like when I ski, I always notice I hold my breath. When I ever got I have to get like a chiropractic adjustment. They're like, you're not breathing, You're not breathing in your diaphragm. You're not And I'm like, yeah, I know, I don't.
I'm not a good breather.
So breath work always, like even meditation, when I have to do like four breaths in and then four hold and then inhale for four exhal for four Even that for me is challenging, So I probably need breath work more than the average person.
I have to say, I'm exactly the same way, and I still resist doing breath work, and every other like person is always like are you breathing? You know, and I resist it because it's almost like more laborious to me at this point than going to the gym, Like you really have to be in the mood to do it. It's so physical.
Yes, it is. It is physical.
Is this breath work like different than what you would do typically when you're meditating? Is it more intense? What's the experience?
Like, well, meditating is just like sort of regular breathing, and then like breathwork, is this really physical breathing technique.
Where you're blowing in and out right it huge inhales and huge exhales. So in meditation, like you don't, Yeah, you're just supposed to breathe regularly, unless they'll be like okay, it's because sometimes guided meditations will go through a different form of breathing exercises. I wouldn't even call it breath work, but it's almost just to calm you, you know, it calms your whatever that section of your brain is that I can't think of right now because of mine isn't on yet.
Yeah, you know what's sick. I feel like a lot of it is from just like this lifelong unconscious sucking in your stomach. And I'm like, I think that's why I just don't breathe that much without realizing it, or.
I notice sometimes if I'm in an uncomfortable situation that I hold my breath, which is actually very funny because I obviously don't hold very much back. But I find when I'm in an awkward or uncomfortable I'm my breathing is off too. Because I've started to become a little bit more aware of my breathing and the hopes that I.
Can improve upon it.
Yet I'm not really willing to do any of the exercises that would help me.
I know me too, honestly, I don't do it enough. I need to do it.
Also, what about when did you do ayahuasca?
Well? I did it most recently two months ago.
And how many times have you done it?
I've done it three times.
Oh okay, how about you just one time? I did it? Yeah?
Well I did it twice actually, but it was for a special I was shooting for Netflix. Oh yeah, and I did it there. We went to Peru and I had one night with my friends, and then I did it the next night alone. So you said three, Like how different was each experience?
I've done it three weekends, so however, I guess, yeah, that's six nights. Yeah, I don't know how like I they say it fine, you but someone, I guess everyone had always say like, don't ever do it in LA with white people, you know, And I was like, Okay, I guess I'm not doing it till I make it
to you know, Peru. And then someone, a friend of a friend, just like had a good experience and I went and uh, yeah, It's funny that people always are like, whoa, You're like some druggie and I'm like, oh, there's nothing recreational about it. It is like the most hard core it's work. It feels like.
And did you were each of the three experiences vastly different?
Yeah? Every single one was different, but all of them I was, you know, shot into a different universe.
Tell me about the last one. What was it about, Like what was the thesis?
I would say, well, it's gonna get really deep, and it sounds whenever you're trying to disteal it down, people are like, Okay, cucko. But what I would say is like I was like, Oh, nothing's wrong with me. That's what I learned. And it's like, it's not even like I'm thinking every day something's wrong with me. It's probably like an unconscious thing. But then I was like, Oh, there's so much love, Like that's really what I felt.
Yeah, Yeah, you're having this overwhelming feeling of love and positivity for sure.
Yeah, And I swear like I walked out of there with a different worldview that I think I had trying was trying to grasp for a while.
It's yeah, it's not even positivity, it's peacefulness that ayahuasca gives you. Yeah, you're like you have a sense of peace about the world that you didn't have before.
I would say, yeah.
Because there's a lot of just letting go and sort of acceptance. I think that happens because you go into these dark crevices and sort of I feel like aspirate those wounds, and then you leave and you're like, oh, I'm good.
Yeah, Please don't use words like aspirate on this podcast. Okay, I'm a.
Medical professional and I'm the only one who can throw around that kind of vernacular.
An accident forgive me.
Did you have any like in the previous two sessions with ayahuasca. I'm trying to avoid saying journey because that's another word that I don't want to hear it same. Did you have any like mind bending like epiphanies?
Yeah, I mean there was crazy things like one aliens came in my head and talked to me. One I was went in my parents' bodies and felt how they felt about me. That's cool. Yeah, And I was like, whoa, they love me so much, you know, because you sometimes you just have a disconnect with those things, and then to be able to feel someone's perspective was crazy.
Did you tell them that? Did you talk to them about it?
No?
No, they do not know that I have done ayahuasca, and so hopefully no one tells them, but.
You know, well they'll find out now. So that's what happens when you talk about it publicly. It gets back to the people that you are hiding it from. So congrats on that and welcome to my life.
I think they're used to it, you know, with comedy.
Yeah, yeah, So tell me about are you single, I'm single.
Yeah, yeah, you seem single. How can you tell the hat happy? You know, buoyant? I mean people, Yeah, people don't.
Single people don't get enough credit for how fun and happy they are, Like they're fun.
Oh thanks, I think.
I mean a lot of married people are fun too, but it's a very distinguishable quality for a single person because they're just up for more fun adventure, like that kind of vibe.
I catch that from single people.
Yeah, well I feel the same about you. I mean, I do hope I meet the right person, but I have just so far been like I don't need anyone. I'm like, I'm not gonna do it unless they're really like really really really good.
So unless they add a whole part of your life that you don't already have an addition.
Yeah, which hasn't yet been I can't say that has totally been my experience, but you know what.
Hasn't been your experience a guy adding.
To you to your life or yeah, which I have to take responsibility for, you know, people that I've chose. But now I'm just like, oh, I just yeah, I just want someone who's like brings peace, fun, you know.
Ads, Yeah, and no drama. Yeah, I've been around a lot of drama lately and I'm pretty wiped out from it.
Isn't it so hard in this business? Because like, for me, I'm always like, I want to date a regular person, And then I'm like, but when am I going to find a regular person when I'm doing comedy every night everywhere?
That's why you have to get out of Hollywood. That's where you meet regular people is away.
Yeah, it's just like doing stand up all the time, you know.
I know, I know, and fucking male comedians is just not on my bucket list.
Like that is not gonna work for me.
No, no, no, no, that is not hot or alluring at all.
Yeah, if you find the one who doesn't have gout, I mean, I still don't think it's worth it.
Well, they either have gout or they're sober, so two things that don't interest me. I don't want anyone with gout, which would indicate that you do drink, And I don't want anyone sober.
Yeah, seventy five percent of comedians are sober. Now I would say, I really, I think that's my estimation.
And I also I'm like, I want to put out like a PSA, Like hey, guys, I've gotten away with using drugs and alcohol all this time and I didn't have to get sober. So why are you such a pussing?
Yeah you quitters?
Yeah, twitters.
It's like if you just don't ever let anything, if you never ever abuse anything too much, you never have to give it up. So just remember that in your alcohol and drug use journey, like you have to temper yourself. Sometimes you can't party, sometimes you can't drink for periods of time, or sometimes you have to tone it back. But always just be open to that and be like, yeah, okay, I'll take it easy so that.
I don't ever have to quit. But you know what, that's irresponsible to some degree because I know a lot of our listeners are are sober, and so a lot of people do have an addiction and a disease, and so you know, I want to respect that and also remind people that I don't have that.
Yeah, it's an interesting I know, when you're a new early twenties you're like, oh my god, like I can never read friends with sober people, and now I'm like, literally all my friends are sober.
You know.
Yeah, I know it's the world of comedy, so you have you dated any comics you don't have to mention names.
Yeah, I have dated comics. Those are sort of my few long term relationships in the since I started, but not for a while. I've been off that train for a while.
And I is it hard for you to I mean, I guess it is hard for you to meet regular guys.
Well, I would say I'm a little shy. I'm also like a pretty sleepy bitch, and you know, just being on the road all the time, It's like, whenever I have a day off, I'm not really feeling like corny. I'm not really being like, wow, I can't wait to go meet a stranger and ask him how many siblings he has, you know, And then they find out I do comedy, and then they ask me if I've ever heard of Bill Burr.
Oh tell me about it.
I mean, someone just invited me to go see Bill Burr at the Rogers Arena in Vancouver because I'm in Whistler, and I'm like, know me less.
I mean, I love Bil Berr. But it's like they immediately start educating you on your own job and they're like, Okay, thank you, but no, I'm trying to date now. And I've actually been because I try to change my attitude about it and I'm trying to enjoy it and like put on an outfit. It's been fine, it's been fun. Nice guys, I guess.
So I was reading that you get trolled a lot on TikTok, that the people on TikTok you claim are very mean, which makes sense because they're all kids, aren't they.
Yeah, I mean, I just sort of enjoy it now, like what people say about my voice, them saying I sound like all the Ruggrats at once. But no, I wouldn't say I get trolled any more than anyone else. But I do have fun with it.
Any more than any regular white girl comedian. And who's betting exactly? So you started an OnlyFans account? Or is that a joke?
Oh no, that's real. It started as.
It I can't wait to subscribe.
I only had it for twenty four hours, oh because my reps made me take it down because I auditioned for a lot of children's you know stuff. But it started as a joke. I wrote on Twitter one day. It was just like hi or something, I don't know what, and I said like, oh no, this was two years ago before everyone had an OnlyFans and I was like, do you have to hang on OnlyFans? You have to uh can you just do feet or do you have to show a whole you know, innocent, just having a
good time. And then and then it somehow got like fifty thousand retweets, so I was like, oh, yeah, I just I had no idea there was a market. I'm starting one immediately, and I got one within forty five minutes. And these people are freaks for feet. I always thought that was sort of a joke.
Yeah, there's a lot of stuff that goes on on OnlyFans that I didn't even know was a commodity or a fetish. So you could basically have it without showing your Pikachu or your asshole. You can just show I guess you know that's your side boob. Like it can be as as as niche simple as that, or his niche as that.
Yes, thank you couching.
I say this in the bit. But like I made the title of my Only Fans Blair sack ankles down no hole, so literally everything was below my ankles and it was doing quite well, but then all my dreams and hopes got crashed down when I had to take it down after twenty four hours a shame.
I know, are you fucking kidding me? Who gives a shit what anyone is doing on onlyfriends?
What are we the church? I know?
Yeah, America is getting really really embarrassing and hard to deal with quite frankly.
I know. Are you seeing these young kids now that say like they don't want sex scenes in movies? I was like, God, you guys are dorks.
I've heard about that. They want to see like scenes with friendships and stuff because that's what they don't have, Like that that's their porn. It's like they don't you.
Know, right, So you think they want to see scenes with kids because they don't have their own friendship.
Well like wait.
What, Yeah, they're like, we don't care about sex scenes because they can see it all online. So they're like, we don't really that's boring and they really want to see like deep and meaningful friendships, Like that's what they really want to see in movies.
Now.
Oh wow, it's so weird, And maybe that's headed. Maybe that is headed in a good direction.
Then maybe that's right.
If that's what they're craving, maybe that is a good thing.
Maybe all the social media is good because it's taking us back to where we need to go, which is not where we are.
Yeah, I don't know where did you grow up? I grew up in Orange County.
Oh, sorry about.
And then I started comedy in New York, in which I didn't know I was gonna start comedy. I moved there to become a novelist in grad school and just like accidentally started comedy.
Who are your friends within the comedy world that I know besides Rosebud?
Well, yeah, me and Rosebud started together at the exact same time. We've been best friends ever since.
But oh, you know who else I had up here this weekend? We're Sydney, Marie and Amina.
Do you know them? Amina, Amani?
Those are all my girls. I started with Sid and Marie too.
Oh okay, of perfect. Yeah, they were the only black people on the mountain yesterday. We got them a ski lesson and then we took them to a prey and Amina was like, I think I could ski with you. She's like, look, showing me her video of her skiing. I'm like, no, no, I mean you have to fucking turn okay, just because you skied straight for third seconds. That doesn't mean you can ski on the terrain that we're skiing on.
But we had them.
They came for they came on Saturday night and they spent two nights here and yeah, they're all ridiculous.
Three. Yeah, Catherine, we have to put them on.
I'm going to do a counseling session for them in their relationship because they have a lot of beat between each other.
So let's book them as well.
I just really only should have comedians on because they provide the most joy and happiness.
No.
Us girls are so much fun. They're the best.
Oh yeah, they're so funny. Okay, So we're going to take a break and we'll be right back.
Okay, and we're back.
Okay. So we're going to take callers.
Catherine has people that are calling in for advice, and you know, we're just changing lives, one life at a time here, that's what we're doing, and it's pretty serious business.
I love it, Blair. You're gonna maybe help us hook some people up, break up some marriages. You know, we'll see what happens.
Perfect.
So our first caller is Sarah. She is from New Jersey. She says, Dear Chelsea. After a series of dumpster fire relationships and a lot of therapy to figure out how to break on healthy dating patterns. I finally found an amazing guy. He's communicative, empathetic, considerate, and loves making me happy. He has a great career, owns his home, and is financially stable. He has a big circle of great friends,
and his family is so sweet. It's only been five months together, but I could really see myself marrying him one day. There's just one problem. Our sex life is horrible. Our attempts at intimacy have been awkward, unsuccessful, and leave much to be desired. I want this relationship to work, but his lack of experience and failure to launch make me think we're just not sexually compatible. Is it possible to turn things around? Sarah?
Oh yeah, that's really difficult. There's a lot of guys that can't get it up. What's going on?
What is this?
I think a lot of it's porn but also could be depression.
Yeah, Hi, Sarah, we're just talking about your lack of sex life. Hi, welcome to the podcast.
Hi, thanks for having me.
This is our special guest today, Blair Saki.
Hi, Sarah, So no sex at all?
Did I hear that correctly?
Limited limited sex, so penetration. So it seems like he's able to keep it up if we if he's laying down, so we're limited to me being on top, which is a lot of it's a lot of work for me.
How interesting.
Yeah, what does that mean that you can only keep it up while lying down?
It's strange.
So I don't know.
I mean, it's been like a long process.
How long.
Well, so we've been together for like six months, We've been having sex or trying to have sex for like four but he was like slow in the beginning, like he was a slow mover. It took a long time for him to kiss me, It took a long time for us to have sex for the first time.
And then I don't know.
I thought at.
First like he was just nervous, and there was always like an excuse or reason he was stressed out from work, or it was a long week, or it's been a long time since he had sex or whatever it was. So it's been a lot of attempts. We just can't he can't keep it up.
I've had a lot of experience with this, but I usually just press on immediately after that infraction because I don't have time for that. But I'm so curious as to what is going on in society that men are having this issue.
So it's funny that you say that, though, because I've never had this issue with any of my boyfriends before. But I've also dated some like real assholes that they have nothing to offer in my life romantically, but they're great in bed. And now I have the exact opposite, Like I've found my perfect unicorn and he can't have sex with me.
Well, is there any scenario where you can have him as your boyfriend and just fuck other guys.
On the side. I think that seems like the best solution.
Yeah, I know it's a tough one.
Also, I mean, if this is really the only issue, what about the pills? Like, just go to the doctor guy.
Right, So that's something that we've talked about, like maybe go see a doctor and make sure everything's going on, Like everything's fine down there. He's very nervous around doctors and he hates doctors. He's like insistent that he thinks it's in his head. So he did offer to like go see a therapist, which is fine, It's just it's less of an immediate solution to the problem.
Yeah, he could do both also, you know.
So the other issue though is that he has high blood pressure, so I.
Can't do that meditation for that.
So I think there are some pills that you can't take when.
There's cialisalis cialis, I think Sialis and then viagra, and one of them is you can't take with a heart condition. And I believe one of them you can. I don't know that for sure, obviously ask someone else.
But you know for men.
You know, for men that they made a pill that can go along with their heart condition, in their serious heart condition, No problem, We'll make another one for that. Yeah, you ladies wait for everyone everything.
I wonder if there's something herbal that he could take though, I mean, I'm sure you have tried some goggling as far as verbal stuff goes.
What about Earl gray tea?
Does that? Have you try that?
And that's kind of why I want to have him go see like a doctor so that he knows what is safe to try and to take. But he's really insisting on he wants to see a therapist and go down that route before he goes to see a doctor. I just don't know. How hard I should push because you know, it's like it's his body, so I feel awkward about it.
But well, Sarah, did you mention when we talked, does he have some like body dysmorphia stuff or self consciousness around his own body that maybe therapy would help unravel.
Yeah, he's he's been overweight for most of his life, and he doesn't have a ton of experience with women. I know, he's only been with like a handful of women, So I I think that's part of it, is he just gets in his own head because he wants to be great at it. Like I feel like he's sabotaging himself almost a little bit. But I don't know how we get him out of that loop.
Maybe I should do mushrooms together.
I mean they're all good suggestions, but I think, like you're clearly into him. You've been with him for six months, right, you care about him. I mean you can still go the distance a little bit further to try and find out, like exactly what it is. But I think he should be more willing to see a doctor in conjunction with a therapist so that you can get the ball rolling, because six months is a long time to be with
someone and not having like a healthy sex life with them. Yeah, I would agree, And don't diminish your needs because of his Like you're meeting him more than halfway by by being on top all the time, by being okay with this whole thing.
Right.
A lot of people wouldn't have stayed.
They would have been like, oh, wait, you're not having we're not having sex, all right, I'm out. And it's been six months and it's not been as successful as.
You would want it.
I think he should be willing to go the distance a little bit, you know, deeper, not just say I'm going to see a doctor, I mean a therapist, because you're right, that isn't a quick solution.
That's a long term solution.
Yeah, you know, taking it step by step, ruling out like okay, is it an emotional issue, is it a physical issue? And like going step by step down the line. The other thing I want to ask too, is are you guys thinking like kids in the future, because you know, in addition to being a lack of pleasure, this could be really problematic for that if he doesn't get this figured.
Out right, and that's he actually really wants kids. I'm sort of undecided on it, but he really wants to have at least one kid. And that's sort of something that I've brought up to him, is like we should kind of like maybe that's another reason why we should get this checked out now, so that we know if that's possible for our future.
Not right. Sometimes it takes a little try in over a period of time rather than just a one and done.
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't think you take off right now. I think you give it, you know, a little bit more time. And I like what Catherine said, you know, just like issue by issue, like okay, rule out this, rule out that, but you can you don't have to do that literally once at a time, you know, you can do that.
In a succession pace.
Exactly.
You don't have to wait until he's in therapy for six months to be like, Okay, now we're going to try the doctor.
Exactly.
You should be like a little bit more adamant that he tried that more, you know, sooner than later.
Yeah.
Yeah, sounds like there's several different layers to it, but I think the most important thing is that he's working on it and taking initiative to work on it.
Yeah, he is, And that's he did go ahead and schedule a therapy appointment. It was like a bunch of things that sort of happened that the therapist said she wasn't a good fit for him the first time, and then he had like a work trip come up that he had to like a meeting that he had to be part of that conflicted with the second time he was supposed to go see the therapist, and then he just recently had somebody really close in his family pass away. So it's sort of.
All on the back burner right now.
So I also don't know like how long I should sort of wait before pushing the issue again, because I definitely want to be sensitive to the fact that he just lost somebody and he's dealing with grief. But I don't know, do you have any advice on that?
Well, I mean you can be sensitive to that, but I mean no, I don't.
I honestly I wish I did, because you can be sensitive to that, But like it just seems like a world of excuses, Like, you know, people can have sex and grief, people can, you know, It's like anything he can use to make an excuse for him and his inability to perform.
I think at this point he's.
Going to take Yeah, so I kind of would say, no, that's not a great excuse, you know. I mean unless he's sitting every day in grief. Is he sitting there morning every single day?
No?
Right, So, no, I don't think so.
And listen, we talked about this on our podcast, like, grief is something to always be respected, but it's not something that takes up your entire day like it comes in bursts.
It comes in waves, you know.
Yes, the first few weeks and months after someone very close to you died, it is. It is something where you could be almost handicapped in terms of being yourself and being able to physically be out.
There in the world.
But as far as you know, losing someone you love that comes in waves, and it's not an excuse really for anything. You know, it's a temporary kind of pause you can put on things.
But no, I don't think so.
And seeing a therapist during this time is probably something that's going to be beneficial anyway.
Yes, yeah, so, I mean I'm excited for him to do that, you know, I'm in therapy. I hope he gets all the help he needs to feel better about himself. But I don't know that I'm convinced that that's what the issue is. I don't know that it's a mental thing.
I don't know.
I mean I feel like I should just kind of push a little bit more for him to go see a doctor.
I think so.
I think so because out of it, it's about respecting your relationship. You know, he needs to respect your relationship too. It's not just about him and his problem. It's also about you because you're in the relationship.
Yeah, yeah, pleasure aside, Like I just there's like an intimacy factor that I feel like is missing from the relationship that I know we both want. And he's very generous, like in the bedroom, so don't get me wrong, Like.
What's he going to be selfish and not able to perform?
I mean yeah, I mean otherwise you're just friends. And also it's like that's pretty early on to be dealing with that, you know.
So yeah, yeah, Okay, Well do you feel like you have mark, Like, what you're gonna do?
Do you know what you're gonna do now?
I feel like I definitely have to bring it up again about him seeing a doctor in conjunction with going to therapy. But I guess my concern is that at this point, like I'm so afraid of like making it worse or saying something like insensitively that I don't even know how to handle the situation. And when we're like in the situation, I sort of just shut down. So like, do it, like I guess, do I address it when we're not in a situation?
Yeah, don't address it in bed.
No, I agree with that, don't address it in bed.
But I think, listen, it's very good that you are thinking about this, because a lot of people would be like, this is enough, I don't need the sex.
It's very good that you know what you need and that you're.
Asking for it. So that's positive already. And I think you don't say it in the bedroom. You say it to him in a loving conversation when you're talking about therapy. Hopefully you know, bring up the topic of therapy, bring up the topic of your therapist and what you've been thinking about, and that in order for you, you know, not like in an ultimatum way to phrase it or frame it, but like you want to be sexual with him. You like him so much, you want to have a
deeper intimacy with him. The possibilities are endless for how close you guys can become once you have that kind of sexual intimacy and like fun playtime. I hate when people talk about sex as play, but I said that, and you know, like all of those things, but also like, I actually need more of an effort on your.
Behalf to try and figure this out.
I'm here and I'm waiting, and I'm totally willing to figure it out with you, but I actually need you to be a little bit more proactive. Saying you're going to see a therapist isn't an immediate solution, And what if there is an immediate solution, you know, we need
you to see a doctor. Maybe we can figure it out in the meantime and then find out you know, you can get viagraa you can get see alis or whatever pairing is best for his medication that he's on, and just say, you know, you need just him to demonstrate a little bit more initiative. Yeah, in order for you to feel secure about where you're headed.
Yeah, it's time to move from like, hey, do you think maybe you should see a therapist or a doctor or this to like, this is an issue and it has a solution, and let's take the steps to find that solution.
I like that.
That's a that's a good point I could forge.
And at the front, the front wheel of this conversation is your desire to be with him in a relationship long term.
Yeah, yeah, definitely, And I think it would make both of us feel more comfortable. It's like, every time we have this awkward interaction, it just don't like you don't know where.
To go out for that.
No, I know it's so awkward. I get it. I have been there, believe me, and not with someone I really cared about. With plenty of people I didn't exactly good.
I feel like good luck, so much good stuff going on here, Like I don't just want to give up on it.
I want to work on No.
I love it. Female empowerment all the way.
You're asking for what you need and you're being firm about it, and you're already getting a lot, but you're not getting everything you need, and you should get everything you need, especially in the in the dynamic of this relationship.
And he needs to meet your effort because you're, you know, being extremely compassionate and understanding and everything. Yeah, yeah, trying to be.
And he needs to go down on you a lot. All right, Sarah, thank you so much for calling in.
Thank you, Sarah, good luck.
Thanks for calling in.
Bye.
That reminds me of a time when I was I was in New Zealand performing and I had met this guy on a boat and and I invited him to New Zealand to see my show. And then I saw him off the boat out of context and I was like, whoahoa whoa woa in Auckland and he showed up and I was like I can't fuck this guy, Like I just can't do it.
And I had never had sex with him.
We just like fooled around on he was like one of the crew on this boat that my friend, or yeah he was a crewman. And then when he was out of his crew outfit, it was not. I was like they were like Cavalricci jeans or something. And I just remember looking at his body and being like or no his outfit and I was like, oh God, like no. And so I brought him and he had come took Auckland to see me, and I was like I have to get out of here, like I can't sleep with
this guy. And so we went up to my hotel room. I'm like, oh, and he just went down on me like five times jeans exactly, and I was like, ah, that's a wrap, Like I can't even let you do that again.
It's too much. And then I checked out of my own suite.
I checked out of my own hotel suite, gave him the suite so I could just get out of his hair, and pretended I had to go home to LA for an emergency rehearsal for like the VMA Awards or whatever the fuck I was doing. I was, I mean it was and then yeah, so, yeah, guys, I love one. When they were like, well he's very generous, like that's like saying someone's like, of course he's generous.
A bed can't fuck you.
She was patient?
Yeah, yeah, no, I know. Well women are faatient.
Yeah.
It took me a long time to not think it was me or that I was too intimidating. Men do get nervous. They have to perform. We don't have to get an erection. We just have to sit there and take it, you know what I mean.
We don't really have to.
Perform if we don't feel like it, So they do have an added pressure. It is interesting that it seems to be an issue more in recent years for all men than it has been. So something's going on societally, and I'm sure it has to do with social media or sex or porn or whatever.
Right, like Blair was saying, with porn.
Yeah, and just like a lower overall quality of health. I feel like we're all like sedentary sitting inside at screens. It's not like outside like chopping wood, developing, you know, healthy muscle in the sun.
Well speak for yourself, Blair.
No, I saw you on I saw you in your bikini. I was like, this is incredible. This woman is out in the air just enjoying life. Oh my god.
That's right.
Well, our next caller is Hayden and she is twenty six.
Uh.
It's a bit of a you know, for lack of a better term, a journey. So I'm gonna summarize. But Hayden is twenty six. She was with her husband since she was fourteen. She was a bit unsure about her sexuality, and so they decided to bring other women into the bedroom. Her husband cheated and then you know, convinced her they could work it all out. But then an opportunity arose, she says, with one of her closest friends, and they
did start having threesomes. Well as we can assume, the husband and best friend wound up kind of running off together. He moved in with her, like the night she confronted him about sleeping with his with her best friend without her, and so, you know, she feels like none of this should have happened. She's angry and heartbroken. And meanwhile they're now going on trips and doing things that were originally planned for the two of them and just openly enjoying
their life together. So she says, how do I move forward? How do I trust anyone ever again? I want to be my best self and get healthy before starting to date again. But I'm a human and I'm lonely, and I miss the companionship so much. I liked being married, but even just being someone's girlfriend seems so far away. I've done a lot of hookups, but I'm not satisfied in that realm.
Hayden, Hi, Hayden, Hi, nice to meet you, Hie Hi Hayden. That's Blair.
Hi Blair.
I'm so sorry that that happens to you.
Thank you. It's it's been a rough ride.
When did this happen?
This happened last year at the very end of June, is when we separated.
And they're still together. And are you divorced or what?
Yeah, we're legally divorced now and yes they are still together.
Yeah that hurts a lot. Yeah, And are you in therapy?
I am, yes, thankfully.
And how is that helping you?
Therapy is helping a lot.
Just realizing there was a lot of other unhealthy things throughout the relationship and being so young and getting together definitely created.
A dynamic that as an adult, I don't think I want.
Yeah, those are all good things to recognize.
It's funny when things like this happen, you realize, like it's not that that's not the only incident. It's always something deeper and that there was already a lack of connection or trust or you know, something wasn't right to begin with. But I think it's these things that happened to us in our lives are big tests for us to see if we.
Can level up and we can meet the moment.
And it's always interesting to see how to people handle these kind of emotional takedowns that we experience. And you're in therapy, you now have some distance and time from it. Not as much as you're gonna get and as much as you want, I'm sure, but you have enough distance to even recognize that the relationship wasn't what you thought it may have been. You're divorced. Your kind of side of the street is pretty clean. You didn't cause any
of this disruption. You kind of participated in something that ended your marriage, and I think that you learned a lot and that moving forward, you're going to have all this whole new kind of toolkit, especially with all the things you're picking up from therapy, which I'm sure are vast right, all of the different ways to deal with stress or the ways to deal with sadness and the aloneness, because right now you're missing something that you really didn't
have to begin with. You know, you thought you had and you can have with someone else now that you're more aware and more tuned into what you need in a relationship, Like how do you now feel about moving forward in a relationship, opening up the relationship, and how having threesomes?
Would you do that again?
No? Right? Never again? Right?
So you know, I mean, this is a very common thing that happens. It's not the reason why your relationship had its demise, but it's a very common thing that happens, and I think you you have to like look at this time as like, Okay, I'm like, it's almost like an armor, but it's not a defensive armor. It's like a protective like you're filling yourself up with all the tools and all.
Like the energetic vibrations.
You need to move forward into your life in a more positive, healthy, and more joyful direction. Like that's done, and that's over, and thank god it's over, because now you can open up to the possibilities of everything else. And I would really encourage you to try to start meditating in order to stay in the moment that you're in instead of thinking about all of the stuff that happened in the past or what's possible in the future.
Because as present as you can be is going to be the biggest kind of therapeutic aid in moving forward. As present as you can be, whether you're upset one day or you're happy the next day, or you have a bad date or you have a good date, be present with all of those emotions, because that takes you in to the moment you're in and then it the past and the future kind of become irrelevant.
That's such good advice, honest. Yeah.
So I think I think download a meditation app if you don't have one already that is really about mindfulness and being present, because I have to. I was just writing about this in my book, Like the most blissful moments I've experienced in my life were because I was paying attention to what was happening, good and bad.
Yeah, right, yeah, And I think when you have a big betrayal like that, it's really sometimes, uh, it's it's much more difficult not to be like they did this to me. And then I think, like whenever I've been really really hurt after a breakup, I go into sort of like Avengers mode where I'm just like, Okay, how can I make myself happy? What have I been wanting to do that I haven't gotten to? What trip have I been wanting to do? What goal have I been
wanting to? What have I been wanting to write? And just like try and fill up that vacuum too, of like you know, making reminding myself what makes me happy, trying new stuff, like trying to bring newness into my own life, Like even though you're sad, fine, find things that can bring you joy and make and make you happy.
And having been with your husband since you.
Were what fourteen fourteen, Yeah, you grew up.
In this way where you were like figuring out who you were with him, you know, it was always in the context of this other person. Now you get to figure out what you like, what does bring you joy without another person, Like what's just like your straight up like this is kind of fun, you know, discovering that on a day to day basis. I think it's going to be really a revelation if you pay attention, as Blair and Chelsea were.
Saying, yeah, definitely. I mean it's been hard, but I have learned a lot and I do think in a lot of realms.
I'm happier on.
This side than I was looking back.
But and you're only going to get happier.
You're getting happy and now you're going to get happier and enjoy this singletom.
You're not going to be single forever.
It's rare that anybody is so enjoy this time getting to know yourself and invest in yourself with everything that Blair said, you know, books and exercise and finding out what interests you and you know, whatever that is, art, culture or fucking women's volleyball, whatever you're into, just get into it, you know what I mean, and pour yourself into that because you're going to get so much back from actually like finding out who you are now that you don't have this person that is like making up
half of your personality so to speak.
Yeah, you're still so young, like you can fully reinvent yourself if you feel like it. You know, you can make it like whatever you want it to be.
Yeah, that's very true.
I'm just trying to figure out what that looks like, what exactly I want.
But I just have to give it time.
Give it time, give it space, and be very gentle with yourself. But if like you know, start this meditation practice and just do this every morning just to ground yourself for the day, be like, okay, today's another day where I'm going to find out something new about myself. Like set that kind of intention for yourself. And if you practice, you know, like I promise you, after two weeks, you're going to start to feel differently.
There's going to be a shift in you.
It's impossible not to feel it when you really dedicate yourself to something.
And I think that's just what you need.
Okay, after this, I will download one for sure.
Okay, I love it. Keep us posted, Okay.
I will thank you guys so much.
Bye, Hayden, thanks for calling in.
Bye guys.
My brother's name is Hayden, and I really had a heart attack for a second.
We're doing an intervention. He's going to confront you about your iowascad use. He thinks you've done it too many times. Yeah, I was like, Wow, I know. Wait till you wait till your parents hear this. They're calling in next.
Well, our next color is Jane and Blair. Are you somebody who smokes weed at all? Since we just want to tell your parents everything.
Yeah, well I'm a gummy girl. Sometimes.
Where have you ever done anal? I think that's also something we want to make sure your parents know about.
Yes, I haven't. I don't think I'm gonna get there.
But you don't think you'd like that, Jane says, Dear Chelsea. My sister in law is the worst. My brother and this nightmare have been married for seven years now and they have three beautiful children whom I adore. My mom, sister, brother and I have always been very close. My sister in law seems to resent this aspect of our family, as she grew up in a very different situation, leaving her with some serious attachment issues. She's very, very attached
to my brother. Although, to be fair, my brother is a fucking catch. He had his years of overdoing it when he was drinking and a bit of a temper, but he's a really great guy that any girl would be lucky to have. In the last year or two, my brother has stopped drinking, which has been great for him and for their relationship. He has, however, started up a new habit of using marijuana. I'm the youngest in my family and have always been a big of the
weed and was looked down upon because of it. He says he's much calmer and present with his family three little kids, and doesn't fly off the handle when he's frustrated. He and his coworker will enjoy an end of day joint on the way home to unwind and relax before they both have to go home to kids and questions, responsibilities, and all the things. His outwardly liberal wife is now
giving him an ultimatum, family or the weed. My brother has obviously said he would pick his family every time, but how can we help educate her on marijuana's benefits. He's not coming home hammered, drunk and pissed off. He's floating on a cloud of happiness. Please help. I'd love for them to call it quits, but for the sake of their family, I'd like for her to get some education and open her mind to the ways it's benefiting their relationship.
Hi.
How are you. I'm good? How are you?
I'm good? Thank you. This is Blair, our special guest today.
Hello.
Yeah, she does need to get educated on marijuana. What's the best education for marijuana, Catherine.
I mean, there are a lot of documentaries on This is Clearing the Smoke on YouTube, The Cannabis Question, and The Grass is Greener on Netflix, Weed the People, which I think is also on YouTube, and the CBC, which is great. Of course, they have a series called The Nature of Things, and they have an awesome episode called Science and Cannabis. You know, I would encourage her to kind of take a look at some of these things and reach her own conclusions.
I mean, it's kind of everywhere.
It is kind of everywhere. I would even say, How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan is a great Buck it's more about psychedelics, but he does address weed and how it affects your brain specifically. That would be a good resource.
Yeah, she needs like some sort of wake up call, like her husband quit drinking.
To smoke weed is so much better.
Yeah, it's better for you in every way.
What's her problem? Get backs?
Yeah, that's the biggest thing with her, Like she just needs to relax. So she's so uptight and she's so like worried about what other people think. And we are from a pretty small town, so it's like you don't know what anyone else's lives are, like their husbands, your friend's husbands that you see on social media having these great lives and whatever, Like your husband's not doing anything terrible, and she just needs to relax.
Yeah, I mean refer to Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey, Like do they seem like threatening people? They're both stoners, right, I mean start with that, and I mean everyone smokes weed now, it's just so lame to have to even educate somebody about the benefits of marijuana.
Whatever. I mean, is she happy that he quit quit drinking?
Oh yeah, yep, because I think that was one thing that she also did, the whole ultimatum thing like quit this or me and the kids are gone. And it's like that's just not the way to have a relationship. That's not healthy to constantly be like do this or I'm gone, or like they just need to go to like therapy.
Yeah they do. They do need to go to therapy. Do they go to therapy?
No?
She well used to and they just really need you.
Yeah, they should go to a couples counseling to discuss it, because it's not like he's smoking five joints tonight, right.
Right, yeah, And he's even cut down since I wrote it in. But she's so rigid in everything.
Sounds like she needs to smoke a little weed.
Actually, yes, yeah.
I do wonder if there is is maybe something that she changes her mind about over time. It may not be, but I wonder if it's something that you can kind of drop into conversations about, like some of the benefits. I mean, people use this as medicine. It is something
that reduces anxiety for a lot of people. And I wonder maybe if it's about educating yourself on some of like the specific studies that have been done and that you can kind of drop into conversation here and there about like, oh, here are some of the benefits.
Yeah, my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer a few years ago and she's gone through chemone radiation and used medical marijuana. She used are A soul oil for a while. And so it's like, how is this judgment coming to my brother?
Can you have a conversation with her?
Or no?
Does that not go well?
I'm not usually the one that brings it up. It's my older sister she will bring it up. And I guess we've been avoidant of that because they have kind of butted heads this entire time.
Yeah. I have older brothers and you know, they're married and everything, and what I've learned is that it never goes well. Like the more you stay out of their relationship, like, the better it is, because if anyone feels ganged up on, you know, if she's feeling ganged up on, because you know, you can feel those things sometimes. So I don't know if that's helpful, but maybe maybe you're just like se La Vie, you know, like they'll work it out.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, it doesn't sound like you have the relationship to have the conversation with her.
Excuse me, I would love to educate you want the incredible benefits about marijuana, so you can let my brother just puff that jay on his way home.
Is there anything specific that she objects to or does she She just doesn't like the whole idea.
That's what makes it even weirder. It's like this kind of just popped up when he started. Seems like a control thing, and she's never outwardly said anything that she disagrees about it with It's just like the minute he did it, it's wrong.
How about next time she comes over, you just have like platters full of joints everywhere.
I like that idea.
Awesome. Well, thank you for calling in, Jane.
Thank you.
Okay, take care, good luck, Jane.
We'll see Okay, we're gonna take a break and we'll be right back and we're back wrapping it up with Blair Saki Clair, thank you for coming on today. It was such a pleasure to meet you. I hope I see you again in person.
Oh my gosh, this is it's just a thrill. I'm so happy I got to hang out with you.
I love me too. I love you too, honey. Thank you so much. Thank you, okay, thank you okay, guys, so for stand up.
And I'm coming to Maricopa, Arizona April twelfth, and then Brooks, California is April thirteenth. And we added a second show in Sydney. And we added a second show in Prior Lake, Minnesota, which is now going to be May twenty fourth. We added the Santa Barbara Bowl, which is so fun. I performed there last year. That's August seventeenth, the Santa Barbara Bowl. We added a second show at Santa Rosa on August second,
and we added two dates at Hawaii. Guys, I'm coming to Hawaii on July nineteenth to.
CA Who Louis. I'm going to be at CA Who Louis. And then I'm coming on July twenty at to Honolulu.
And oh I just added another date on August first Auburn, Washington. So, and all my Australia and New Zealand dates are up, and I will be announcing a European tour shortly, so.
I will be coming there. And I'm coming to Oklahoma. I have two dates in Oklahoma.
May third, which is my mother's birthday, Norman, Oklahoma, and May fourth, I'll.
Be in Thackerville, Oklahoma, So Oklahomians, Oklahomaans, Oklaham's come bye.
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickard executive producer Catherine Law and be sure to check out our march at Chelseahandler dot com