Hi, Hi Chelsea, how are you?
Ah Well, I'm fresh off of colonoscopy. I did the prep.
I've rescheduled this thing five times in my life because I did not want anyone going inside my asshole.
This isn't your first one, this is.
My first klonoscopy, no way.
Yeah, because I tried to outsmart them and they gave me another option. I had to give a like stool sample once, which is humiliating in its own right. I mean, that is so embarrassing, shitting into a basket or a bucket, or they gave me like a container that you would put French fries in, and we're like, take a shadubi in this. I'm like, oh my god, I'm making me sick, so sick, And then they write on the instructions like if you find any worms.
I'm like, what any worms? I'm going to the hospital.
I'm not fucking sampling it out, and then it puts so gross. I'm so sorry to start the podcast like this, but this is what my life has been like. So I did the prep and I didn't like, I wanted to avoid that fluid, gross liquid.
Did you do one? Yeah?
I just wanted to make sure everything was fine because a relative had had some polyps.
I was like, well, I'm just gonna checked out. I was clean as a whistle.
But my prep was just like they were like add mirror was it miralex?
Anyway, whatever.
I added one of those right to your gatorade.
So it was just gatorade.
That's all.
It tasted like.
It was great. Oh okay, I mean it was fine.
Yeah, that's not bad.
No.
I took pills, so the schedule was very annoying. You eat a light breakfast and then you don't drink anything except clear liquids or actually they don't have to be clear. You can have like you know, gatorade or lemonade, which is what I drink. And I took the pills from five to six you take like twelve pills. Every five minutes, you take a pill, and then from one am then I sent my alarm. From one am to two am,
I had to take the other set of pills. And then I just started urinating out of my ass and like I was like, okay, great, great for great, And then I went in at five.
Thirty in the morning.
I got there, of course an hour early, because I couldn't have been sleeping during that time. I have to fucking get everywhere early like an asshole. They weren't even open when I got there. I was like knocking on the door. I'm like, oh, I'm here, like no one else. The doctor's not here, No one's here. Anyway, it wasn't the prep that was bad. It was the aftermath because then I had a green smoothie and.
I had a bit of an accident.
So yeah, I mean, I am glad that is over, but everything is ready for the weekend. Our whole clean shoot happening fantastic.
Well that leads us to our guest today. Oh yes, Hannah Einbinder.
Oh my gosh, Hannah is here. She received an Emmy nomination for her role on Hacks. Her new one hour special is on Max. Also in addition to Hacks being on Max. This is not a poem. It's called Everything Must Go Right Yep. Okay, yeah, please welcome Hannah Einbinder. Okay, we're here with my darling friend, Hannah Einbinder. It's so nice to see you in the flesh.
I know it's been since the last tour.
I think I know we had Hannah and I toured together she opened for me for a series of dates, that's right, and we had some good stories.
You have never been on this podcast before. I think so, because remember when we were in where were we Denver?
It was Denver altitude.
She got out judism.
She suffered from altitudinism, which I call Judaism's right, but that's she. We were in Denver, which obviously is not at sea level. There's an altitude there, and right before we I think we had two shows in one night, right.
I did the first show.
Oh you did, Okay?
I did the first show.
I'm so long winded on stage, like I am really packing every amount of words you can into every sentence. And so even on even at sea level, I have trouble catching my breath when I'm speaking. Yes, So it was like training with like fucking crazy ankle.
I could not catch my breath, breathe.
And she came off stage and she was winded, and she looked pallid weak. She looked weak, and so we had to get her.
An oxygen tank. That's her oxygen backstage, which happens to a lot of people.
Actually, they had it ready and then we had to call around Denver to go and find an opener for me because she couldn't get back up. She had to lay down down, just lay down. After I give so much shit to people about it. Anyway, she recovered, thankfully.
That's right.
But I had seen her special before her special came out, which is called Everything Must Go. So I was exposed to Hannah before a lot of people were exposed to you.
So I consider that a Jewish blessing.
That's right. And I consider you a hipster for that.
Exactly.
And then right right after we started, or some sometime after you started, you were on Hacks. You started, you got that show, and then everyone started to find out
who you were. And I want to talk about that because I know you had a little trouble adjusting to the attention that you were getting from the show and then becoming like a public figure, and you were so passionate about stand up, and I felt initially, and tell me if I'm wrong or right, that you had some reservations about being so public facing all of the.
Sudden, all of us a sudden, Oh my god, dominated.
It's because my hip you know, start saying anyways, I.
Think that's I think that's right.
I think if you're in your head as is you have to calm yourself down, being like no one's worried about you, no one's thinking about you, no one's looking at you. Relax, And it's like, well, that's kind of not really totally true anymore, is it. It's like kind of your anxious fears come to life a little bit. It's look I and complain and it's a it's a product of the greatest fortune a person can have in our business.
But yeah, I don't think it's natural at all, Right.
And what did you find bothersome the attention or when you heard negative attention, was there a certain aspect that was more troubling than another?
Just being perceived?
I think like in a massive way, I feel lucky that mostly it's positive. Folks who like the show come up and they're very sweet.
Like I mean it's a very positive show.
Yeah, Like I really got about as lucky as you can, I think. But but yeah, I think just kind of being having sort of like too much awareness of myself and maybe like instead of seeing myself this way, like seeing myself this way and kind of having an outside, sort of Truman Show esque view of my own kind.
Of seeing yourself for our listeners who probably aren't watching this but just made a gesticulation about being You're basically saying seeing yourself through the lens of other people, all right.
Yeah a little bit, which is strange, I think, especially for an artist who needs to kind of like curb that in order to maintain like a pure perspective.
I think, you know, Yeah, so how did you deal with it?
I think I'm still dealing I think, but I'm a very like insular person. I kind of like have very few close friends that I see all the time, and so I just kind of like keep my world small and a lot of my my lovely people in my life keep me very grounded and tethered, and you know, they're keeping me on it.
So yeah, I do what I can, you know.
And yeah, I'm just thinking about myself when I was your age, and like how I dealt with that stuff. And I think I probably have like the opposite personality that you do.
You know, like anxiety.
I don't think I think I've experienced anxiety until in my forties. Like I didn't even know what people were talking about. I wanted to be empathetic, but I didn't really understand what it meant. And what I've learned is that it encapsulates so many things that everybody feels on a daily basis.
So when you.
Say, or when I would say, I don't think I suffer from anxiety, it's just that I didn't understand what half of the things I was feeling were anxiety, right, because I didn't really I thought anxious is like you know, when you it almost is so stifling that you're not able to do anything right, that you're not able to push through it, and you're not able that it becomes you become hamstrung.
What do you feel?
Were things that you thought were just like energy inside of you that you now know are anxiety, like various.
Like like nerves, like being nervous and being anxious, like knowing a date is coming up and a date to do something, or you know, like that you have to be somewhere, like having anxiety having nerves about it. But I always understood it or framed it in my own way that that.
Was what happens, Like you're going to have nerves.
Who who wouldn't have nerves if you have a big show coming up, or you're going to be on TV, or you're going to be live like I had so much nervous energy and that qualifies as anxiety, but I didn't think of it that way at that time.
What do you feel like when you said, like in your forties, when you kind of were like, oh, like I'm loking into this, what do you attribute that to?
Like that awareness.
Therapy, okay, therapy and then realizing and having self awareness, so like being able to understand how other people are seeing me, whereas before that never crossed my mind, it never bothered me at all, Like any negative feedback I was fine with. I'm like, that's okay. What is this
a popularity contest? Like I'm already successful. I don't care if you don't like me, like enough people, do you know, Like I have that kind of bullish attitude about it, which worked for me for a long time until it stopped working.
Yeah, you know totally.
But you're much more quieter, and I would say more delicate certainly. Yes, you're a little delicate flower a daisy. If you tell me about your relationship with Jean.
Oh, I love her. She's fab I mean she's awesome.
Yeah, she and I really like I think you know, people go like, how has your relationship evolved? Over the course of the show and to me, like it has deepened certainly, of course, but like the thing that is inherent to our dynamic is that it was an instant
sort of electric connection. I feel like when we first auditioned together, like I felt that energy from her and so like it's awesome, Like we send each other memes back and forth, like she's very silly and like just really nurturing and like we joke about this all the time about like you're my own personal dubber vants in real life. But like I feel that from both of you actually, where like you have always been so like supportive of me and and in a way that is
not always the case. Like I think I think women have historically been pitted against each other and made to feel like there's only roo for one and like we should be competitive. And I have never felt anything other than support and like nurturing from like both Gene and you, and I feel like, I don't know, I feel like she is one of several women in my life professionally who just have like only ever loved and championed me, and.
It's it's really nice.
Well she's old school, yeah, yeah, And I think that's true.
I mean, obviously what you're saying about women is true.
I definitely experience that in my career, like a zero sum game almost where there's not room for everyone, and you're like, what are you talking about. There's room for everyone. The tide rises, everyone rises with the tide. Yeah, unless
you can't fucking swim. But but I think because it's such a nice lesson for you at this stage in your career also of how you want to treat other people by being treated in a certain way right, you know, and being in such a lucky situation like you're on the show right now and you don't know what your next show is going to be, or your next or whatever, you know, and you don't know how fortunate you are sometimes until those situations are gone.
So you have to really lap it up.
Yeah, because you'll hear about these wonderful stories, you know, people on the set of Friends, look at all of them and how great of a time they had for so many years, and then they go onto different sets and there's different dynamics and you're like, oh, wait, that was really And to have that at the front of your career can be a hard comparison.
Yes, right as you move forward.
I think about that a lot, you know, just like in you know, it's very rare that the quality of the work and the quality of the people line up across the board, like there really is no bad egg.
In the bunch on Hacks. It would be obviously the thrill of a lifetime to like continue to have those like quality you know, relationships on a quality show where you're making something you're proud of. But I am starting to kind of face the reality that maybe that's going to be hard to yeah, maintain. But it's my hope. I mean, I hope. I feel like a kind of
a conflict of person. I feel like growing up in LA I feel like you grow up alongside a lot of interesting personalities and so you kind of figure out how to navigate that. And like, I definitely feel like I'm good with people, and so it's my hope that even the craziest people I come across, I'll be able to like maybe handle. But yeah, I have really no no experience with that just yet.
So we'll see. I'll talk to you after that happens.
I guess, well, you've also been very therapized. That's when I say that in a good way.
Yeah.
I mean that's one good thing about growing up in LA.
Yeah.
You have to go to therapy.
Since fifteen, which is amazing. What's your therapy situation now? Is it a new therapist? Have you kept one for a long period of time.
I'm with my same therapist since you were fifteen, since I was.
Fifteen, Yeah, which and there are obviously, you know, conflicting opinions on whether.
That's good or not.
But I feel like she is so such a wonderful witness to like absolutely everything, and so she can really analyze what is needed and like understands the greater context, and she challenges me, which is what brought me here today. I think, you know, just to where I'm at. Her challenging me has always been a source of art dynamic and I welcome it. I'm really like interested in that.
And who else do you find in your life that challenges you? Mmmmm?
I think my friends.
I think like my core group of girlfriends, Like I have a friend from high school, a friend from college, and like several friends from after, like from the comedy scene, who like just have known me since before my life shifted, and I am always seeking honest feedback and I feel like I can tell even if they don't want to like say anything on their face, like if they're not really like down with some shit I'm doing or saying, or like don't approve of some decision, you know what
I mean, Like I do seek that out.
Yeah, I mean, it's very difficult to have honest relationships with people in this industry. I mean you can think of like five people who are in the media right now NonStop, and it's like, clearly no one's telling them the truth because you wouldn't be so out and open,
like you know, you need people to tell you. And it's very difficult because like even when I think, oh, I think about all the people in my life that'll be honest with me, and it's like yeah, if you really press them to me, yeah, yeah, you have to be like no, you have to fucking tell me the truth. Yeah, because most people don't want their conflict averse too.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, and there was a storyline about that in Hacks this season with the yellow Dress, where it's like everybody.
Wants to be the s man.
Yeah, that's right, that's right, And that's I mean, I think that's why like those two women bond because it's the first person that has ever told Debra what she actually thinks, you know.
Yeah, that's such an interesting dynamic. So when you put out your special Everything Must Go, which came out a few months ago, how did that feel, because that was your first stand up special, showing people your style of comedy. Yeah, and I've heard you describe it as filmic.
Yeah, yeah, it was.
Yeah, I was really look.
I mean that that material I had been working on for so long, and it felt like I really had the time, which is such an incredible currency to have.
Acting gave me the time to really fine tune my stand up, which was, you know, my only aspiration when I started performing, Like, I didn't think of a world beyond stand up, Like that's really what I wanted to do completely, And so having the time to like really fine tune and perfect it by the time we put it out, I was so I felt so ready and proud of it and so clear on what I wanted
it to be. And it's certainly vulnerable, but I feel like just everything that I have, all of the feedback that I have gotten over the years, gave me the confidence to be like, I'm proud of this and I know that it will confuse some people and it's not going to be for some people, But I'm cool with it being very much for the people that it is for, you know what I mean.
Yeah, Well, she has a very great commitment to letting a joke move slowly, which I love. I have a lot of respect for that because you know, any if you're a comedian, you're trying to get to a punchline, and some people cannot handle not making an audience laugh for more than thirty seconds. You know, the quiet is just like nerve wracking to people. I've watched it, I've lived it. Yeah, but yeah, it was great watching that when you were working on it before.
You're special to see that her commitment to that.
It's a style of comedy that you have to be committed to and unwavering.
Yeah, I feel like I cultivated that, just like by pushing it. I don't know that I was always like that, but like the more audiences gave me credit, the more I was just like, you know, I'm gonna pause even longer, and like it's that thing of like you know, where it's like it's funny and then it stops being funny and it gets funny again because it's like you can't
understand how it's continuing to go on. Like I'm actually like really comfortable in that, And yeah, it's fun to cultivate like a style unbeknownst to yourself, to just kind of happen upon it and go, oh, this is an interesting Well.
I think it mimics your personality a lot too.
Yeah.
Yeah, quiet, but you have lots to say, but you're not loud.
Yeah, and you're not.
In anyone's face. So I think it's a perfect compliment to who you are as a person. Thank you, which is what you want your stand up to be because it's your POV.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I feel like when I got into stand up, like I was trying to present this aspirational version of like who I wanted to be, like this very confident, cool, collected person.
And I feel like I grew into that through doing it and.
Obviously the therapy of course, but like I really feel like now like the separation between like who I am on stage and who I am off stage, while there is a massive theatrical sort of like lens over the whole thing, and it is very much a performance style choice, and I'm being silly or I'm doing characters whatever, Like it does feel closer to me, whereas when I started, I feel like it was just like what would the coolest version of me be? Like what could I escape to to feel like awesome?
Yeah, I think there's it's interesting to talk to different stand ups because some stand ups that's what their dream is. They just want to be on the stage. And some stand ups just want the recognition of being on the stage and they don't mind walking off stage, you know. And then some there's like everybody has something different, but when somebody really wants to be on stage and do stage time, it's a different that's like a true comic, Like you know, you want to like you don't care
what it leads to. You just have to be on stage. Yeah, I've never been someone who has to be on stage. I like everything that goes with it writing Like, I like the writing, I like the execution, I like the refining, and I like the feedback from the audience, you know. And then you get to a place where you become so good at what you do that it is like in your pocket. You don't have to constantly think about how it's being perceived because you know that you're doing it well.
It is so interesting and cool to watch you work because you are one of the more prolific comedians. The tours that I've done with you, I've probably seen two or three different hours like over the.
Course of the probably working together.
Which is like so incredible and like it does speak to what you're saying of being like, I really do love writing. Like I watch you with your pages and pages and pages of typed notes of the act.
Like it's like a freaking like document, you know before.
And yeah, you're like, yeah, in a process, you know.
And I consider myself a lazy performer. So it's funny to hear you say that because there is a lot of work that goes into it. But there's a difference between work that comes naturally and there's a difference in work that is not natural to you. And then it does feel like work, yes, But writing is such an easy, you know, avenue for me, and I feel like a lot of comics feel that way.
But yeah, you can see comics do the.
Same act for like two years and you're like, oh my god, how can you still tell those jokes? But it is it's just a different style. Some people have to repeat it, you know, enough times to get it. Like, I'm on tour right now, and this is the longest tour I've done for a set, and I've already moved on to new material. I haven't taped to my special yet. I tape it in November. But I'm like, oh no, okay, now I have to start thinking about the next hour.
I already got this done, you know. And so I'm like, oh wow. The more you're on stage, obviously, the more you're writing, the more comfortable you are, the more confident you are in what you're doing. Like I don't have to try out bits anymore, you know what I mean, I know if something's gonna work.
My god, jealous, I may one day.
It is.
It's so funny when like when she started that show and when she started Hawks, which we had Paul T. Downs on a few months ago, who was so fucking funny Paul T. Downs Well, I called I've renamed him Paul W.
Downs.
It was it was like life imitating art. I'm like, oh my god. And she's like we were flying on a private plane once and we sent the picture to her her producers because they well, I don't fly privately a lot anymore. I just want to put that on the record because that's fucking true. I've been very good about that. But we were talking about like art imitation. I'm like, oh my god, I think I am a version of Debora Vance. And then I was like, wait, no,
that's too that's too old for me. And I was like, no, no, wait, I fucking like that, you know. And now I'm doing a Vegas residency. I'm not living in Vegas. I will never live in Vegas.
What is what is the travel schedule?
I literally fly in and either fly back that night or spend the night with a group of friends, and you know.
Of it is it just weekends.
It's it's like holiday. It's once a month for like the next two years.
Fab Yeah, yeah, once a month for the next two years.
That's the kind of commitment I'm looking for, exactly.
Across the board.
Absolutely, Okay, I'm not Now, we're going to take a break and we're going to come back and we're going to take callers and we're gonna give them advice.
You're gonna love it. It's so cute.
Okay, this week right, And if you have questions about fitness, it could be something specific you're dealing with and your fitness routine, how to maintain your motivation or get started with a new routine, or questions you have on a deeper level about your physical health and fitness. Right into Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com.
And we're back. We've had a finder, Hannah.
We have some real special ones for you today. This one specifically, I was really excited to find for you. Okay, our first question comes from Sam.
That's a lot of pressure you're putting on Hannah.
Oh my god, shit, so Sam says Dear Chelsea.
Last year, I connected with a therapist and she helped me make huge breakthroughs in several areas of my life through hypnotherapy.
I was skeptical at first.
When I started, but after a few intense sessions where I spoke to dead relatives and saw pieces of my dreams unfold, I was sold.
I took a break after a while, as it's.
Out of pocket and I'm in graduate school full time while already struggling to afford life after putting myself through two other degrees to get where I am today. Recently, I decided to leave a relationship and I reached back out to the therapist. She suggested I do ketamine therapy with her, something she's found helps a lot of her clients and get to the point they want to be faster. Although it's a lot of money upfront as insurance does not reimburse most of it, she believes I will get
the results in a shorter amount of time. In some ways, I'm totally for it, especially with ending this relationship, I feel myself reverting to old patterns and want to heal. I worry that it may be a lot of money to try something new and potentially risky. Should I go for it and hopefully finally heal from the parts of me holding me back? Or should I play it safe and continue to spend money on therapy I already can't afford.
Sam And of course, Panna, you talk about your therapist suggesting hypnotherapy.
Yeah, have you ever done ketamine therapy?
I have not.
Yeah, I have never done it either, so it's really hard for me to answer that question.
I know that it can be really positive. I've also heard ketamine is tricky because, like it is a therapy drug, but it's also used recreationally in a way that can be like dangerous and not good.
So it's like that's when you cheve up your ass.
Yeah, totally.
Yeah, I mean it has massive therapeutic benefits, but I mean it depends if you have to do six sessions. I would say, maybe stick with the therapy, Like, I think that's probably I think therapy is a great tool. I think it's like a more consistent thing that you can keep track with.
But I would say that also, everyone wants to fast track their healing, yeah, and everyone wants a result.
And you don't have to explain that to me.
I'm the most impatient person in the world, So I understand how you want to kind of fast forward to the better results. But if it's something that's really not affordable to you in this moment, it's going to be available and it's only going to get better, you know. So I would be very consistent with your therapy because that yields the most concrete results overall for most people.
So as long as you keep going, you have to have a conversation and dialogue with yourself, I think to know that you're always moving in the right direction, Like every time you go to therapy, you're taking a step in the right direction. Even if it feels like you're taking two steps back. That's part of your therapy process is making progress and then falling back or screwing up, and then making progress again, and then actually, you know, the mistakes become fewer and.
Your slip ups become fewer.
But you have to look at it as like a grand net of what it's yielding. And that doesn't happen in six months or a year, you know what I mean. You make little changes along the way and then all of a sudden things start to click and then you're really making changes.
Yeah, did you try hypnotherapy when your therapist suggests?
I didn't that suggestion just like from the therapist that you're seeing now.
And so she's seen your stand up because you say that in your.
Special she she and I have She's you know what is I'm realizing now. She asked me if it was cool if she watched it, and I said yes, but we haven't talked about it after.
Well, I mean, it was her suggestion, so she's going to have to take I told her.
I was like, I want you to know I do have a joke about yet, so just saying you.
Know, and she was like, okay, I went to hypnotherapy only for smoking cigarettes and that worked for about eight years.
But that was like, I mean, it was therapisting.
But he basically it's Carrie Gator and he basically berates you for half an hour, telling you how disgusting you are for smoking and that you're like, basically I'm co coal miner breathing intoxins and and you're like I'm disgusted by myself at this point too.
Wow.
So and then that he hypnotizes you, but you're not under under, you know, it's just like suggest I don't think hypnosis is what people think it means, right, Like, it's almost like you're lightly under and you're just a.
Little bit more open to yeah, you know suggestion.
Your eyes aren't spirals.
There's no clock right right, Yeah, really sort of warped of hypnosis, right exactly.
So I think our advice to you is stick with the therapy is the most important thing.
Yeah, and maybe also, you know, if hypnotherapy is a little too expensive, maybe find like a group that is less expensive or you know, free option, sliding scale sort of thing.
It would be better to do hypnotherapy with a group. Anyway, Quite frankly, that a lot more fun. Yeah, because then you can see it in action.
You know.
I always likes to see things before they happened to me. Yeah, see them happened to other people.
Well.
Our next question comes from Libby. She has threutle problems. She says, loves I agree, so she says, your Chelsea storytime. I'm a twenty four year old woman and I'm part of a threufle. When I met my two partners almost three years ago, we were really just hanging out and hooking up. My girlfriend and I soon fell in love
and decided we should all be together. A couple months in, our boyfriend and helpful note is that her girlfriend and her boyfriend were together for several years before they got to Yes. A couple months in, our boyfriend just stopped trying to engage in any kind of sexual activity with her girlfriend and me, no matter how hard we try to entice him. He was the furthest thing from interested. I soon discovered this has been an ongoing problem and
basically every adult relationship he's ever had. He and I are with managers for the same company. A couple weeks ago, he transferred back to a store in which he notoriously flirted with women he worked with there. It was a point of contention in our thruple for a long time. The same week, he told us that he was not interested in having sex with either one of us or quote anyone else. He said he thinks it would be best if we found another guy to hook up with. Basically,
he wants to be roomates. He would give each other goodbye kisses and hang out at the end of the day. He wants to be a family unit, but doesn't want to do anything romantically. He also started staying after work two to three hours after the store is closed. He will not go to the doctor to try and figure out his lack of libido. He refuses to go to therapy. It's gotten to the point where he will even look
away if one of us is changing our clothes. It's kind of weird to me that he seems fine with us sleeping with another guy, so he doesn't have to be bothered with it. Should we just accept being roommates with him?
And he start yes, he's telling him he doesn't want anything to do with you.
Yeah, what is the fucking question here? She's going to join us here in a second.
Oh, she's Oh great, I can yell at her in person.
Yeah, it says is he a sexual?
Is he gay?
Is he hiding something?
What if we do sleep with another man and ours suddenly decides he wants to sleep with someone else. I have no clue how to go about this. There are multitudes of men who would die for the chance to have two hot, funny girlfriends.
Lebby liv Hi, Lebby.
Hi Libby, Hi, Hi. Everybody.
Wow, this is such a fun feature of this podcast.
Okay, so first of all, that's really funny because he's telling you he wants nothing to do with you, and you're trying to make him be a part of your throttle.
It's over.
Yes, I was afraid of that. I needed to find out from the Queen herself.
I think that it's you guys can talk about what it would be like transitioning if you really feel that it's good to continue this attachment in a platonic way with him in terms of the roommate arrangement. I think if you guys can really be cool with that in your heart, knowing that he is staying two to three hours after work, and really being honest with yourself to make peace with the fact that if he is, you know, truly you know, messing around or doing whatever, that that's
not gonna affect your living situation. If the answer is no, then I think the answer is no, and you guys kind of move on from there.
It sounds like his move is to flirt if he has no libido, You think he has a libido at work and he's having sex with these other women. I mean it's really neither here nor there, actually, but just out of curiosity.
No, And that's the thing, Like, that's how he kind of dreaming in when we met, because we met at work coincidentally, and he was charming and he still is, like he is a great guy. He's funny, he's flirty when.
He wants to be.
But I truly don't believe that he's actually going out and having sex with other people. But it's just this secretness and the need to sneak around that's confusing because he was never like that in the past, and now all of a sudden, this comes out that he has no sexual interest in us, And now all of a sudden, like the other night, he decided that he was.
Gonna go out after work, and that's.
No big deal, but I feel like with the way the situation is right now, like that was just weird.
All of a sudden, he was.
Like, yeah, I'm gonna go out after work, and our girlfriend was like, not that I care, but like, where do you think you're gonna go?
And he was just like anywhere but here? Talking about work. It was very.
Vague, and it was almost just like trying to be mean and just trying to get a rise out of the both of us.
I think you and your girls should skip down. I think you guys start a new life. I think you guys kind of I.
Think it's a wrap on this in this throuble, you know. I mean, he couldn't be more plain about it. And you know, when people are embarrassed or shameful, especially with regard to their sexual performance, they will make it seem like they have other things, you know, that they're drumming up business elsewhere.
So he might just be doing that to.
Pretend like, oh no, he's not interest, especially if he's being outwardly mean to you and being like anywhere but here. Clearly you guys have done something that made him uncomfortable or feel less than and so he's trying to to make that very clear to you. I don't think you should be trying to gather any more information from him.
Yes, And it's just so hard with to get him to communicate at all because he is just so closed off. And I could have a million conversations where I'm like, you know, are you upset? Like I understand if you are, that's very valid, and I just get a it's whatever.
I think.
Also, I could see it being within the realm of possibilities that he may be threatened by the connection between the two of you. You know, I think he had this pre existing relationship with your girlfriend, and then kind of like, I think the male ego is pretty fragile.
I don't want to make generalizations, but I think the male ego can be fragile, and it's possible that he's feeling threatened and that's not your labor and that's actually not your guys' responsibility, and that's also not something that anyone can heal but him.
Yes, And we have had those conversations as well, Like my girlfriend has flat out said, like, is us being together her and I a problem for you? Because at the time she was like, I would rather work on us if that's a problem. She's like, I love the throttle of what we have, but it's a ten year relationship, so if that's going to save it, then she would be willing to like work on it. And he just says, no, absolutely not, that's not fair to either one of you, Like,
I love her too, why would I want that? He just completely shuts down the idea. But it just feels like there's something there that he's not saying.
Yeah, but that's not your problem. He's expressing to you he's no longer interested, and you're like, but why, but why? But maybe you are. It doesn't matter, you know what I mean. You have to respect his space, and you have to respect the fact that he's not interested anymore. Are you and the girlfriend? Your girlfriend and his girlfriend ish on the same page about this?
We are.
She just has the ten year attachment, so that is a lot for her. They have two kids together.
Oh, and there's.
So much intertwined.
It is an entire life that we have to separate, like down to bank accounts.
Who has the kids on the weekend?
Like yeah, and.
It's a lot for her in that sense, and that she thinks, like, why would I want to go through the trouble of all of that. If I could try to make this work, but I don't think there's anything left to make work.
I also don't think you guys, they don't need to legally divorce if they want to keep that feeling. They don't have to separate bank accounts. They could just like keep that under control and just separate in a way that doesn't involve legality and anything like that.
Yeah, that's the nice part.
They're not technically married, they've just been together for ten years.
And well, you just solved another problem in this night.
Ye. Yes, But my girlfriend is also like, well, if he wants to be done, then I want absolutely nothing to do with him, and I do not want any reminder. I do not want to share a bank account. I do not want to see him using money to take somebody.
Else out on a date. If that's the case. And I can understand that too.
Yeah, but that's also you have to get to a place where there's not such a motion attached to that relationship that's reactive. She has two children with him, so she's never getting away from him. She's gonna have to see him on a date. And that's not fair because you guys are in a relationship, and he's been privy to that, and he clearly didn't like it, you know, because he's trying to extricate himself. So I think everybody, like I think some space would do you all very well.
You know, it would serve you all well, so you can get some perspective. And it sounds like he's pissed and he's a little bit angry and he needs to extricate himself from the situation so he can settle, and you, guys can settle in this new dynamic that you have
that is, you know, without a man. And if you guys, find someone else you want to introduce to the two of you, that's fine too, but give it some time without pushing at it, you know what I mean, Like let the dust settle and actually, like retreat with your girlfriend and make a delineation in the relationship so that there's no confusion anymore. There's no expectations from you, guys that he's going to enjoin you sexually. It doesn't matter
what he's doing out of the relationship. That's really not of your business anymore.
Right, I think that clarity does need to come from you because it seems like so far it's been like, well, what does he want?
Is what's going on with him?
And I think since he's not giving.
You that, you have to decide for yourself if this is right for you and make that delineation for what makes sense for you.
Yeah, and that's also something I've been thinking about a lot lately too, because like, I love our relationship, and I love the kids, I love being around it, I love my life. But I'm also twenty four years old, and it's this is a lot.
Yeah, it is a lot of life.
It's a lot for a forty four year old, and never mind a twenty four year old. But I think, listen, you have an opportunity here to like be the voice of reason to come in since there's more emotional attachment between the two of them than there is between you and him, necessarily, I think, and you can be the voice of reason and go, hey, guys, he's made himself clear, there's I don't want to be the cause of all of this, like any ruination in a family.
Especially when there are children.
So let's sit down and have a really adult conversation about how to move forward in a way that serves all three of you. You know, what's the best way to move forward without anger and without negativity and without this kind of reciprocity of like, well he's doing that, we're going to do this or whatever.
You know, Yes, and that is what I'm trying to break right now between my girlfriend, like the he's doing this, so we should do this in retaliation or because it's good, we think it's going to make us feel better, whatever it is. I think that we should just like you said, let the dust settle, go about life, try to just let this sit and feel this for a bit before we make any big life moves with anybody else or do anything else.
Yeah, I think that's the best way to move forward.
Yeah, keep in.
Mind you are twenty four years old. Like, lots of things can change in a second. Your interests can change, your sexual interests can change, your predisposition to all of these things. Everything is moving and fluid, So you don't want to tie yourself to the situation for long term anyway, No matter how you're feeling, you're too young to be like committing to something more than a year down the road.
Do you agree with that?
I agree with it.
But the hopeless romantic in me is like, no, this is forever. But I'm also a realist in the sense that, like, I know, things can change at the drop of a hat, so much already has in my life, and as much as I want this to be like something forever, I can also understand that it might not be.
And that's totally okay.
I have definitely started over and rebuilt things a couple times in my life already, so that's not the scariest thing in the world. It's just I love my girlfriend and I would do anything for her, and at the moment, like that is what I am worried about in the sense of life and who I want to be with. As for him, like, I am just so exhausted with there always being an issue, Like somebody is ever truly satisfied with something, you know. And I'm very go with
the flow. So I'm comfortable in life. And I made a lot of sacrifices to fit this life, not that I didn't want to. You just have to do that from single to being in a relationship. But I don't know, I just feel like I am thinking very like, Okay, let's just do this and take the next step.
And it's not as easy for her. It's easy for him obviously, but it's a lot.
Well, you just said something.
First of all, I want to just clarify you can be a hopeless romantic and be a realist. Those two things can exist at the same time. You can be totally in love with someone and hope to spend the rest of your life with them and be pragmatic about it and know that if certain things happen, it may not work out that way. So it's okay to be a hopeless romantic. Like that's nice and that's what your twenties are for. But I would try to take this opportunity to lead them in a way to communicate with
each other. Since it sounds like you are the one that has the healthiest outlook towards the situation, try and get them to a where there isn't so much negativity and like they have to act in like the best interests of their children and having a long term relationship that's going to last for decades until they're dead. You know, they're gonna have these kids for the rest of their lives, so it's in everyone's best interest to find a better way to move forward and then move forward.
I'm just I get stuck when it comes to trying to work out the all are nothing mindset that the two of them can have. Sometimes, for example, my girlfriend was the one that said, maybe you should move in with your parents for a couple of weeks. They live like maybe a block or two away. It would be super convenient, Like it would give them some space. Maybe they can learn to miss each other, because I think that's something that needs to happen. I think he needs
to miss us. And a key shut it down and he was like.
I'm not doing that. I'm getting my own place or I'm staying here.
Yeah, well have him get his own place.
Yeah, that doesn't sound like the type of if you were starting new with someone you had no attachment to and no history with and they said that to you, you would walk away in a second. I think history cannot serve as an excuse for bad behavior and an unwillingness to compromise. Like I think sometimes history clouds the types of standards that you would otherwise have for yourself.
And it's important to run everything he says through the metrics of the most respectful treatment that you both deserve.
Yes, and these every sign and every action that he has done throughout this.
I've been thinking about it.
And it's not even a soft breakup.
It is a very hard breakup. That those are very hard breakup signs.
Yeah, it's you're resisting the breakup though, Like what you guys are doing is resisting the reality of a situation, which will only prolong a situation. And you're resisting what he's telling you, like he's giving you the information, you're being like investigating it further.
There's no need for that.
It's time for the next step to move forward and get him out of the house.
Let him go. He wants to go. He's not into you guys except that.
Yes, And I definitely am ready to accept that. I just need to get my girlfriend on the same page. She is doing a lot better with it, like she understands. I just think it's hard altogether. She's just grieving the relationship as a whole. Yeah, but we both know that we need to move forward and stick to our guns because he has a tendency to blow things up kind of like this and like say like, oh, maybe we should just break up or whatever, and things just weirdly
go back to normal. It's like it never happened, Like he woke up and changed his mind the next day, and I think that's just not wanting to leave the comfortability of the life that he does have with us, and like the house that we have and everything else. Right, I'm not sure what to do there because I feel like we always get to a certain point and then there's just a standstill and he just waits for things to die down or something.
Well, I think you need to go to your girlfriend and say, we're going to go to have a conversation with him, and the next move is for him to move out. We're existing in a situation that is no longer hospitable for anybody.
Do you guys, rent is who's on the lease.
We have a mortgage and it's him that's on the mortgage, but he's willing to move out, so we can switch that around.
It's so messy but great.
But the thing is, in these messy situations, you have to take steps. It's like a twister that just keeps going around and around until someone steps in and changes what's happening. So you have to be that person. Step one, Let's get him out of the house. He doesn't want to be here. We'll figure out the name on the mortgage later, but let's take one step at a time so that everybody is feeling better about the situation.
Yeah, we're just going to have to have that conversation and realign our responsibilities and just make it work for the two of us.
Yeah, great, go do it. We wish you luck. You're going to be fine. Just but be a voice of reason.
Don't get sucked into this like windmill of not It's just nonsensical. It's not working for anyone anymore.
Yeah.
And I have a habit of letting myself get sucked in and.
Just but I know, I know, you have to take yourself out of the drama, even though you're part of the drama.
Yeah.
And I would encourage your girlfriend to see somebody to deal with like the anger part of it, because if she can solve that piece of it, I think this whole thing will be a lot easier for everybody.
As nothing good comes from being passive, aggressive or being reactive.
It's all just like toxic.
Yeah, all right, Libby, thank you so much for calling in and keep us posted it on what happens.
Okay, Yes, thank you guys so much. I appreciate you all.
Thanky Bye.
Bye bye.
Who would have ever thought a threatle gone wrong? Have you ever been part of a threatle? Hannah, No, I haven't.
I've only been part of a sexual threatle, not a relationship throuble, and that served its purposes beautifully.
You do sort of think like she's living the dream, right, they're raising kids together, they having a great time.
But then it's like complicated emoment.
But I love the sentence of any other guy would die to be in this situation. It's like that has nothing to do with what's happening.
Yeah, that standard. What are you saying?
Like that he should be more excited sexually than he had, Like, you can't make someone be attracted to a situation that they've lost interest in.
And you know, it's totally legitimate if he were asexual or like Gray asexual and like still emotionally intimate with them. But that does not seem.
Like No, that sounds checked Out's hard.
Yeah, but we always add drama to things, like especially women, We have a tendency and that's totally sexist, but it's fucking true. We add drama where we don't need to. So our job is to withdraw the drama. You know, when you can cut it, cut.
It and can.
I loved what you said about like viewing it in the context of a new relationship, Like we get so sucked into you know, the fallacy of sunk costs, Like I've spent ten years with this person that I've got to make it work. It's like, no, you have to like do what's right for you right now. It doesn't matter what the last ten years have been.
And also, when you're not legally married, that is such an advantage in this world, Like you already set yourself up for success by not getting legally married in the first place.
Yeah, yep. Well, our next caller is Riley. She's real fun.
Her question is am I an asshole for having sex in my new friend's apartment bathroom? Short summary. I got invited to a party by three guys I met at the movie theater. I go to their house party the next day. I tend to be an oversharer and I ask the guys for feedback on my nudes. I start fooling around with one of them and things quickly escalate. We're both very caught up in the moment and decide to move to the bathroom to have sex.
A female friend of the.
Apartment owner got very upset at me, screaming at me the moment we left the bathroom.
This is all like four.
Thirty in the morning. By the way, I am bummed because I thought I was making new friends. I feel really bad, and I texted the apartment owner that I'm sorry. I acknowledge how disgusting it must feel to have other people in your space. I appreciate the kind gesture of inviting someone you've met a day prior to your apartment, and I'm sorry I took advantage of that. I also offered to deep clean his bathroom or pay someone to do it. Am I a huge asshole for doing this?
Riley? Obsessed with you so iconic?
Oh my god?
I mean, I feel like, if there's a window to be having sex in a bathroom, you picked the right one, Like thirty am.
I feel like that's a totally different.
Story than doing it in the middle of the afternoon, You know what I mean? If you guys are up after a certain amount of time, like all bets are off.
Who's people who are sucked in my bunk bedroom? Multiple times?
There were like five different couples that hooked up there during a party, and.
I encouraged it. Oh yeah, I mean, and that's harder to clean than a bathroom.
You know those are hard.
I would have done so well at woods Dot Queen. You are a free love diva.
You know she cleaned up all the come afterwards, and she's still got upset. So it's not I don't. I did everything right. I feel like both my parents know the story and that detail and they are on my side, So I don't I.
Agree, And so is your friend. Your friend is still mad at you.
Well, okay, I have an update to the story. I don't know if you have time for.
This update, because I think we do go for it.
I sent that apology text, right, and I sent another apology text a week after the sex incident. I got a text message literally the eve of my birthday on the twenty ninth, which is like a couple weeks after fourth of July. And this is what the text message did I get. Hey, you dumb bitch, if you're actually fucking sorry for what you did, DoorDash ethan a McDonald's big macmeal and twenty piece chicken McNuggets tomorrow at six
thirty pm send Trent your nudes. Some guy at the party and give me back my hairclip along with a bottle of alcohol so I can disinfect that shit because I don't want to catch any crabs from you.
So Ethan is the apartment owner, right, yes, And this girl she doesn't live there.
She does her to No, she is there.
Yeah, it's kind of shocking you are You are triggering her because she's threatened by her sexual freedom.
Doll.
You know what's so funny is that like we had like I was cool with everyone before this sex incident, Like this girl is like this cute girl, and we had this whole conversation about like if she takes nudes, like sex questions, and like she was cool with everything. The turning point was me having sex in the bathroom.
So and so did you respond to that text?
Not really, I responded a couple of days So after this text minute, she sent me another text saying where's our McDonald's, you stupid bitch.
Oh my god.
And a couple of days later, I just like wanted to end it, said, hey, like Alice, let's call her Alice. Hey, Alice, Like, I don't have your hair clip. I have no idea what you're talking about. And I sent a screenshot of Christopher, the guy I hooked up with. He sent me this long ass apology like the day we had sex, like after she yelled at me kicked me out. I sent a screenshot of that and said like, hey, I wish you guys well bye, And I venmoed this bitch one hundred dollars.
Why why why?
Because just okay, like if you're that mad at me, like here you go.
Way, But she's unstable, she's unhanded, she has no business talking to you.
Like everyone, it's just like the last like here you go, Like if you're that fucking angry, here you go, Like, I'm sorry for fucking in your bathroom.
Listen, listen, having sex in a bathroom is not a crime. It's just not suggested at most places. You can totally do that. And it's a funny story. But anyone who addresses you and talks to you and says you're a dumb bitch, you don't are not giving them money in the future. Do you understand that you're being bullied by some fucking girl she who has no say in this situation.
You know, it's funny. These people are in their thirties. I just turned twenty seven.
Don't beat yourself up for this, no scenario.
No, I never not know everybody's on my side.
Okay, good, Yeah, don't engage with people who talk to you like that, Like it's so gross when women talk to women like that.
Yeah, I know, this is funny because this is like top two of the biggest like verbal arguments I've had, and both of them were like with a fee mill and like sex related, so like something with women against women and like sex like it's.
Well, it's what Hannah said that people get threatened by other people's freedom in any area of their life, and especially sexually. If someone else isn't as sexually free and they see someone being sexually free, that is a threat to them.
M m yeah, it's fucking weird.
It's a good story.
Good job, I'm letting him clean up all the come way to go on that cat, you know what a gentleman.
You know.
Okay, I just want to say, like I just like think about like obviously this guy and I are not on good terms right now, but the minute before we went to the bathroom, he like told me like I want to fuck your brains out, and I just like I just want to I just like remember that moment, Like I get sad about Oh I lost some friends. He was the one who came on to me. Like, let's just put it that way. I didn't initiate Yeah, the sex at all.
And also like, these people are not your friends, right, these people they seem like they were going to be fun and interesting and they treated you like dirt.
Also, you know you knew them for a couple of days, so no harm done.
Yeah, it's kind of Yeah, it's funny how it all worked out.
Yeah, it's a good cocktail party story though, totally.
It's very funny. Yeah, And like and the fact that I get to meet you and like tell the story like to my favorite comedian is like, this is the bestia of my life.
So look, what are the worst decisions that you thought you made led to a really good decision.
See how that worked out? Already you already had.
Good vibes from your bad what you thought was a bad decision, which wasn't even a bad decision.
You just had a fun.
Yeah, No, it was fun. Who cares the guy had like was man enough to like defend me and be like, hey, I didn't do anything work Like, I don't.
Think it don't depend on men for anything. Yeah, and obviously don't depend on women either.
I depend on you.
You're all you've got.
I know.
Well, good luck with everything, and I hope you make some new cooler friends quickly.
Thank you, tell me okay, bye bye bye bye.
And on that note, we're going to take a break and come back to wrap things up with Hannah einbinder and we're back and there is no comm on the counter.
Wow.
I love that she came out with com like ten seconds into the call.
I like that whole whole story.
I know.
I'm just mad that she venmoted them because when I talked to her, she had like said, oh, she wants me to send them food whatever, And I was like, don't do any of those things that she told you to do.
Can she venmote her money?
Oh girl, until the umbrella of I'm sorry for having sex with your friend in your other friend's apartment, Like, none of that makes any sense.
I think this girl has a crush on one or multiple of those guys, and it's like jealous.
Like you said, Jella's very transparent.
You know, they're just sitting around sending her that text, like let's see what we can get her to do it's such bullying.
Ire in their thirties and they can't aford McDonald's, then like a good briddance.
Yeah.
And if they're in their thirties and they want McDonald's, call me because I still feel the same way.
Well, I have a quickie we can wrap up with right. So this emails from Ben. He says, you're Chelsea girl. I need some help. I'm a thirty year old gay man living in Texas.
No I know.
I moved here from LA hoping to educate some of these fucking Republicans. It's not going great anyway. I love to have a good time, not like I have a fucking problem, but vodka and I get along very very well. I am never a messy drunk or mean or out of control. I'm fun, love to laugh, and usually when I'm drunk, I'll dance on a table and we'll usually tell people how much I love them, how much they're gonna achieve all their fucking dreams, even if I don't
believe it's sober. So my issue is I can have the best time drinking, go to bed after an amazing night, but the next morning I wake up and feel like everyone hates me. I have an insane amount of regret and I literally have to check in with people and make sure they're not mad at me after getting drunk. I love drinking and have no desire to stop. But why do I always feel this way after drinking? And how can I snap out of it? I know you love a good time with alcohol and occasional drug use.
Please help.
Bet that's anxiety from that's a result of consuming too much alcohol. Yeah, so you have to That's what happens to so.
Many people when they overdrink. As much as I love to, I do not over drink. I drink to the point where I have a buzz, but I do not allow myself to get wasted anymore.
So you have to calibrate your drinking.
It's totally fine to go out and have a good time, but you don't need to get wasted every time you go out. That just leads to people not wanting to hang out with you and regretful feelings in the morning, and it causes anxiety. Alcohol causes anxiety, not while you're drinking it the very next day. This is very common among a lot of people. So you can also compliment your alcohol use with an edible so you don't drink as much. You know, when I have an edible, I
don't have the desire to have a drink. Last night, I went out to dinner and I had two drinks in an edible, And that's usually my kind of like, you know, if it's a dinner and I'm not out out, just get yourself down to a reasonable amount of drinking so that you start feeling better in the morning, and take days off too.
You can't drink every day because if you.
Want to get rid of that anxiety, you have to like get control of the situation first. But there's no you don't have to stop as long as you get it under control. I had a boyfriend once said to me, I never want to overdo anything because I never want to have to quit anything. And I took that advice pretty seriously. I mean, I've overdone things plenty of times, but I always reel it in when I need to.
Yeah, yeah, I was gonna suggest incorporating pot as well.
I mean, you're drinking less.
Also, like pot tends to whenever I drink, ease the symptoms of like any hangover type thing. The next day, Like I feel like pot kind of curbs some of that stuff.
You mean the night before or the next day, when you're feeling it.
The next day, I feel I'm less hungover if I've had if I've smoked weed.
Yeah, Like you're not a big drinker.
No, No, is it because it gives you anxiety or you just don't like alcohol.
It doesn't really do the thing that it does for other people. On me, it's very rare that I drink and I'm like, I feel amazing.
The only time.
I've ever felt that way is actually having a Leichi martini from that restaurant Jar on Beverly Boulevard.
I know it.
It's the only time I drink alcohol and thought, oh, I understand this is really good. I'm so like physically jewish that like I can't get the good feeling before I get.
Like noiseous or a headache.
Like I just like get the physical like shitty symptoms before I can like have fun.
Right, And how old is this guy?
Thirty?
Okay, so you want to get this under control now? Yeah?
Like and just so you know, like if you look that up, like hangover anxiety, it is very common. People always are experiencing that. So you just want to like control the situation. And once you get control of the situation, and then you could introduce different things.
You can try a.
Light edible, you can try a joint, whatever you prefer, however you prefer it. In jest, I prefer joints. But I can't smoke wheed anymore because of my larynx. I butchered that another thing I over did, so now I have to take edibles, whether I like it or not.
But I made that adjustment because you have to.
I don't have a choice, really, you know, you just have to control your habits.
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
Okay, Hannah, i'mbender you know. I love you.
I love you.
Thank you for driving to my house. Hell ya in Brentwood and no less even though you were in Venice. That's right, that's okay.
And thank you for christening our podcast room. This is one of our first in person podcasts.
Is that so?
Yeah?
We've only had.
One other one, but yeah, this is going to be our new home. So I'm very happy to have you christen it.
Awesome. I'm happy to be human sage.
And you can watch Hannah Special on Max and you can watch Hacks on Match and on Match on match dot com. You can watch Hacks on Max and you can watch Hannahs Special. Everything must go on Max as well, and you'll be hearing more from her.
I can guarantee it. And we'll see you all next week. Bye bye.
Okay, So upcoming shows that I have you guys, I will be all over Maine, Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina. I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to Saint Louis and Kansas City, and then I will be in Las Vegas performing at the Chelsea Theater inside the Cosmopolitan Hotel. My first three dates in Vegas our September first, Labor Day weekend and then November second.
And I'm coming to.
Brooklyn, New York at the King's Theater on November eighth. And I have tickets on sale throughout the end of the year in December, So if you're in a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem or San Diego or New Orleans or Omaha, check Chelseahandler dot com for tickets.
Okay, if you'd.
Like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com