92. Why Isn't This Working?

Relational health and emotional health inside of that relational context is our passion and so we unpack all the topics that you can imagine within that realm . We're so glad that you're here . We're so , so glad .

Today we are going to reference actually a couple older episodes that we recorded because we want to do a little bit of a deeper dive into what happens inside of conflict between couples , between couples .

We've recorded this year actually a couple episodes on conflict , both 55 on the four horsemen of conflict , which is really negative behaviors that can sometimes become habitual inside of marriages or dating relationships where it kind of derails , like conflict resolution , and it's a real indicator they're real indicators of unhealth in conflict .

And then episode 77 was effective strategies for having hard conversations , which again if you're alive and breathing . You've had hard conversations in your life , so some of our communication tools you could mine out of those episodes . But beyond that , today we wanted to actually talk about what happens for people when they actually work pretty hard to identify .

Hey , we have an issue in this area of conflict resolution . We don't do this well .

Communication for us is hard and maybe you're in agreement over that issue and maybe you even do the work to try to set a new standard and you're like , okay , we're going to do this differently , we're going to do better , be better , we're going to improve this part of our marriage .

And so you set some standards and maybe you even implement some of the tools that Jay and I have given you in previous episodes . Or maybe you've gotten some great coaching and some marriage counseling to kind of help . You go all right , we need to shore up communication and conflict in our marriage .

But then you find yourself asking this question why isn't this working ? And that can be really hard . That's a hard spot to get to in a marriage or in any relationship . Where you've gone , we've done the work , we agree this is a problem . We wanna do this differently . What do you do when your attempts at healthy conflict resolution don't seem to be working .

We're going to talk about that today . It's a biggie , it's a biggie .

You know , I take a couple appointments a month , and so this conversation is one that we're we're constantly having and helping people through , because this idea that you're going to learn or relearn how to do conflict perfectly is not true .

So a lot of times when our conflict goes off the rails or we're finding ourselves not behaving well in communication , inside of marriage , maybe it's because he left the egg pan on the stove today and didn't think to wash it before he moved on with his day .

But I promise you , if that becomes a heated argument , if the egg pan becomes a heated argument , you know it's not actually about the egg pan . You know what I'm saying . So when we get to these spots where we're like we want to do better , we just can't . Why isn't this working ? I promise you it has to do with some things that are behind the curtain .

And then he responds and he's like oh , I'm sorry , totally , I was wrangling the kids . If it was about the frying pan , that should ease my , my , pain . But when I realized like , oh , I'm actually just getting madder about it , even though he just apologized , that's when you know something else is going on .

And I can tell you guys that most times when I'm angry about the frying pan , I'm actually afraid of being alone to carry the weight of the household in our marriage . Now , valid fear or invalid fear is that's not the point . It's that I have to be self-aware enough to go oh , this ain't about the frying pan .

To be self-aware enough to go oh , this ain't about the frying pan . I actually , on a fundamental level , have a fear struggle in the area of being left alone to handle responsibilities , not because of who Jason is or how he behaves or doesn't behave .

It's literally something that I have struggled with for a long time and it's gotten better over the years because Jay and I have grown in so much trust . But on a bad day , the frying pan actually triggers a fear of loneliness which that doesn't even make sense on paper .

You have to actually learn to be really self-aware to come up with those kinds of conclusions .

I was doing all these other things , but really the key is , are you able to communicate your need ?

I might see the frying pan and get that rush of anger , and then , when we get into it about the frying pan , I might get a little frustrated and defensive in the mix . And then that's usually when you're like , hey , this feels really irrational , I don't like how this is going .

Then that's always my trigger to go Oof , I got to dig a little deeper what's actually going on here . And then I'll tell you guys , when I locate the real problem , it almost always triggers tears . The real problem it almost always triggers tears , almost always . It's almost like an exhale .

When you can identify the real need or the real fear or the underlying issue , there's a huge sense of relief . It's kind of like you're trying to pull weeds in the yard and you know how frustrating it is when you try to pull a weed and you just pull the leaves off and you're like it looks better but , like I know , the problem is still under there .

It's so annoying and it's , you know , contrastingly so satisfying . When you go to pull a weed and you actually pull the , you uproot that whole thing and you're like you little , you're never coming back . I feel this like incredible sense of satisfaction when you're when you get the root .

It's the same way Like when you're in an argument and you're just pulling the leaves off of it and it's not actually solving the problem . You're just kind of like wrecking each other with your words or your accusations or your . You know even your feelings . Sometimes you're throwing them around and you're trying to find the crux of the problem .

When you get to the root of it and you have that self-awareness moment or , like for me , when I go Ooh , actually I feel so lonely in the area of taking care of our household , not because you're not showing up , but because I'm afraid it's great . It's that like exhale moment where I've just uprooted it and it's so satisfying .

And now that I know that the real problem is my fear , he actually has something to come and attach to and go Ooh , how can I help you with that fear ? And it actually usually brings a measure of compassion to like for both parties . It's he's full of compassion when he realizes wow , yeah , that is actually pretty irrational .

This isn't about the egg pan , but she has this deep seated fear and as her husband , I want to come in and be a balm to that fear . I don't want to exacerbate that problem for her . I want to help . And so then we talk about that .

If recognizing your needs is a struggle for you and I know this is hard for people it's very difficult for people to sometimes identify and validate their needs in a way that they can articulate . Do we want to give , like , three tips on identifying needs and what is a real need versus , like , not a valid need ? That's a question that a lot of people have .

When we talk about food or rest right , Like at the when I , when I get to the end of the night , seven o'clock and I am saying a prayer with Edie and tucking her in , I do this little song for her . Good morning Edie , good morning Lammy . Every night .

The need is actually found inside of the pain and inside of the desire right , and so you got to start paying attention to some of your pain points or some of your desires . When I come home from work , and as soon as it gets around five o'clock , I'm I'm at , there's low levels of anxiety around and high levels of desire around food .

I am , I'm hungry , I'm starting to feel hungry for food . So the same thing happens when in a relationship , like when I get home , I also feel that same sense of desire and maybe even some pain around . I want , I want a hug from Lauren , I want some connection , I want to feel close .

And again , for me it's often wrapped up in desire slash pain , not crazy pain , but low levels of , or even anxiety , low levels of pain , low levels of anxiety , low levels of um .

That that reminds me it's , it's how I know I need to pee , like it creates this anxiety , this anxiousness inside of me that I go like , wow , I really need to take care of this right now . So learning to identify those yes , and then ? you know , looking at also your , your emotions , are great indicators as well .

They're bad leaders , but they're great indicators , right ? I feel lonely , I feel sad , I feel angry , I feel joy , I feel confused . You know , those things really help you to go . Oh , something's happening here . The weather has changed inside of me . It was sunny and now it's thunder and lightning .

There's something in there that I need sunny and now it's good thunder and lightning . There's something in there that I need , and it's a matter of sitting down and being really um self-aware .

Um , that sets us up to have a healthy conflict instead of one that is super emotionally charged and about something else completely .

So when we say I message , right , like we've talked about this a lot of times , but the goal is that I would be able to communicate an emotion that I'm experiencing , because we know that people connect over emotions , um , and in exchange of feelings , rather than over information . So I want to be able to recognize what emotion I'm feeling .

I want to be able to explain when that emotion was triggered . And then I need to , I want to be able to explain the connection based need that I have . So , with the egg pan , I felt frustrated when I saw the egg pan on the stove . Ultimately , cause I've already done the homework to dig in and go , I'm actually afraid of being alone .

I really need to feel like a teammate in the home , like a teammate in the home , right , and that opens up a conversation where he just hears my frustration , the what sparked the frustration and then , ultimately , the need that's under there .

that may or may not be rational , but it's my fear that I'm going to do all the work and I'm going to be alone and what I really need is to feel partnered with and to know that , if I'm going to go work out , that when you make your eggs , that you know that you're going to think about the team and help clean up and take care of things .

That's a message that I can hear totally and I may want to go oh , so here , okay , here's where , here's where the listener gets it wrong . Can I ? Yeah , here's where the listener gets it wrong . There's always two sides to the story .

So she goes oh , I have this fear and it's a big fear , right that I'm going to be alone and I'm going to be doing all of the cooking and cleaning . Well , what she doesn't know is that the kids were crazy and I did all kinds of work , right , and I packed the lunch and I got whatever .

I'm doing all this stuff , and so what we do is we get really defensive , because now I feel unknown . I feel misunderstood . Yeah , I feel misunderstood , and so I would want to fight back if I'm not careful and go okay , yeah , you're out at the gym and you come home and one thing's left out , but you didn't see the five things that I cleaned up Totally .

You didn't see all the things that I was doing .

Instead of now she's feeling afraid that she's going to be alone and I'm feeling angry that she doesn't value what I did do at home for her and the and I feel angry because I was so misunderstood .

And you don't even know , the only thing that was left was the egg pan Right . And I could say man , the kids were crazy this morning and .

I had to run defense all morning and actually try to get to that pan a whole bunch , but then I thought packing her lunch is more important than cleaning this pan , because the babysitter could probably clean the pan or I can get to it later and all of a sudden she has an understanding for me and she can go . Oh , babe , you're the man .

I appreciate that and honestly thank you for giving that clarity . That's really helpful . Yeah , okay . So why are you not doing it right ? People aren't doing it right because , again , you have to circle back and not let your triggers not let getting triggered throw you back into the conflict . Right , but it keeps you on the script .

It keeps you going back to there can only be one talker and one listener .

Um , one thing I will say with iMessages that I would say in our relationship , the woman tends to do a little more is , if you talk too much , it can feel flooding .

So if you're the speaker and you're sending that I message , don't use too many words . Do the work ahead of time to craft the right I message . Don't do it off the fly . Don't do it at midnight when your spouse is trying to lay in bed . Don't like there's times to have these kinds of conversations .

Do the work to craft the right I message and get to the bottom of what you actually need and feel so that when you communicate , it's clear and it's not confusing . But then ultimately , as the speaker , you have to remember you're not in charge of how your partner responds , and people get really thrown off when their partner doesn't respond well .

And yeah , that's really hard , Like it's not fun when you work hard to craft a good eye message and you've really put yourself out on the limb to share your feelings . To have a partner not respond well is painful . We have to learn , though , to separate ourselves from . You know , I can only control me . I can only control me .

So the listener like you said , I can only control me . So the listener , like you said , tends to feel shame , or or if the , if the listener feels shame or misunderstood while listening , they get triggered , they get really triggered and they often

don't respond well . So this is where it's going to take practice Now . Don't change your message . That's what I would say about the speaker . It's not your job to control how your partner responds . Don't change the message you can send that I message again . I just feel scared . I feel scared . I feel scared when dot dot dot .

I want actually want to feel heard , and I want you to feel heard , so I'm going to circle back around to I can't hear you when , if you're , if you're yelling or blaming me , I just I can't hear you . I just want you to tell me about you . So get really good . You guys should practice you should honestly practice that script . I really care for you .

I want this to go well . Sounds like you're really frustrated , angry . I want to hear you . Can you talk about you ? Can you tell me how you're feeling ? Um , or can we talk about this in a way that we both are going to feel proud of at the end ?

Our standard is we don't yell at each other , we don't call names , we don't get belligerent , we don't call names , we don't get belligerent , we don't like . Those are all things that are off limits . Now , I am the personality who and this is how I was raised when you feel passionately about something , you raise your voice . Now , that doesn't work for Jay .

It just doesn't . It's scary for him , it doesn't feel good to him .

Yeah , it triggers shame in me . I'm not doing a good job . I'm not good at this . You know he thinks I'm crazy . All the things that you don't wanna feel when you're arguing with your spouse . But listen , that is your indicator . Go , take a break . Take a break . This is not going well . An intelligible conversation .

my triggers ahead of time , I can see them coming and I don't have those out of body experiences quite as often as I used to . You know what's really helped me too .

Not being afraid of my partner but but committing to protecting our connection has been a process for me . As a high pleaser I normally really want . I hate conflict , I want it to go . I just want to please you . Um , but realizing I have to be okay with you being so frustrated at me , and that's really helped . Um , okay .

I mean it's why we developed the cheat sheet . We developed this cheat sheet because you have to have a pre-planned conversation , like we talked about the iMessage , all that stuff .

But when you go off the script and you go back into the way that you used to communicate , because you're triggered , because you didn't plan ahead , because , for whatever reason , that never is going to go well , it's not going to go well because you probably have never had conflict well .

So if you look back in your past and you rated yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 , how do you do at conflict One ? I suck at it . It always ends up in more conflict . Or 10 , I'm a boss and when I come into conflict , the end result is connection .

Give yourself a rating and if you're like man , if you're in that one to six range , then you should never be doing conflict without a plan , without a pre-planned prep for conversation , how do I want to start ? I want to start soft . I want to start in a way that they can hear me I want to talk about how I care for them . How do I want it to end ?

I want it to end with connection , right . So these are all the things that a great conflict resolution uh , hero champion leader is going to start with right . So you have to grow the skillset . And then I'm going to talk about myself and I'm going to share my emotion in a way that they can hear it and I'm going to tell them what they , what I need .

And then I'm going to listen , I'm going to be a good listener , right , like that's the recipe . So I just gave you guys the whole recipe . Okay , if you don't , if you don't do a great job at that , naturally because you haven't practiced a long time then set yourself up for success by having the conflict resolution cheat sheet with you . Have a plan for it .

We've done this for years , years and years and years . And still , if I'm going to have , if I'm going to go into conflict with Lauren or anybody , I think back to I pre-plan Okay , what am I going to do ? How do I want going to have ? If I'm going to go into conflict with Lauren or anybody , I think back to I pre-plan . Okay , what am I going to do ?

How do I want this to start ? What's my message to her ? What do I want her to hear from this ? You know what is my need , that I have , yep , and then you know is this a good time ? So that's probably the last thing . Is this a good time to have this conversation ?

Just because you have these feelings and emotions and needs doesn't mean that the timing's right . We screw this up with our kids all the time . Our kids are so dysregulated . They're screaming , they're throwing a fit and I'm trying to teach them a lesson . Hey , you can't talk to me like that . Hey , you can't .

It's like , well , they can't hear me when it's bad timing , but if I circle back around , I'll give you an example . Yesterday , edie lost her mind .

Don't , don't eat my enchilada , don't touch my enchilada . Don't touch my enchilada with your tongue . She called me um , I don't know whatever . Your mean dad and ran off and you're a baddie . Yeah , you're a baddie ran off and you're a baddie . Yeah , You're a baddie , Ouch and um , so anyways .

I actually called you to come get her because she was just being so unfun and I didn't talk to her right there . I didn't . I tried to . I tried initially to go hey , this isn't fun . Um , hey , I'm not enjoying this . Hey , is there something you need ? When that wasn't working , I didn't give her a lecture about how her attitude was below .

I needed her to calm down . She couldn't even hear me . Once I figured out she couldn't hear me , I just called you , said , hey , can you come get her ? She reset last night when she was calmer . I was in the kitchen with her and we were there and I said , hey , can we talk about earlier what happened and we were able to actually go through it .

Okay , Sometimes your conflict resolution isn't working because you're trying to have it in a really , really bad time .

It's really short , just like a super short little marriage assessment , and for taking that marriage assessment we send you automatically a conflict resolution cheat sheet . So if that's something that you think would help you , go over to , uh , jason and Lauren Valtoncom , you can access that for sure .

Um , the script is a big deal because when you've done it one way forever , like learning to do it a new way on your own , super hard it's like way easier to do it a new way when you have a piece of paper in front of you that's telling you what to do next .

And we have found I'll say this , even people in our marriage intensive the ones who actually do the work of sticking to the script find it really helpful . People that will like kind of glance at it and try to do it on their own and kind of like wing it . They don't get success .

So this cheat sheet really is pretty revolutionary if you stick to it and practice it enough . So yeah , head over to Jason Lauren valtoncom if you want that free tool .

We don't want anyone to go through pain unnecessarily and so if you've got some friends , share this with them . Otherwise , guys have an incredible week . We'll see you next week on Dates to Meet the and Babies with the Ballatons .