86. The Measure of Marriage: Developing Couples

You're like let's execute , and then , before you know it , it's a year later and we're still working on it . It's awesome . We are seeing the fruit of our labor , though .

And if it is utter disconnection , then at least we're identifying it and we're making a plan to move out of it . This week we're actually going to be talking about developing couples , and what we mean by developing is we're talking about those couples that are in kind of that middle ground .

And at the beginning here , if you're wondering like I wonder what category I fit into , then we would just invite you to pause right now and head over to jasonandlaurenballatincom . We've actually created a free assessment that you can just take and actually understand .

After answering just a very few questions it'll probably take you two minutes you could get a good snapshot , like a good summary of where is my marriage at right now . Am I in that disconnected category , or am I in this developing kind of category , or are we actually , you know , are we actually in a really dynamic marriage .

So go ahead and take that assessment and then come back to this , because today we're going to talk about developing couples and we want to identify kind of what that feels like for you how do you know if you're in that category ? But ultimately , how do we actually walk towards being in a dynamic , connected marriage ?

So let's start , babe , with how does it feel like ? How do I know If I'm in this developing category , kind of this middle ground category ? How do I know ? What do I feel ?

You have a few areas of your marriage that feel painful , you crush it in a lot of areas and but there's these spots that you just avoid .

I would say that that was us for a while and and just like really clearly , I mean for me , I didn't , I didn't pursue the conversation around finances very often and even , um , for a while it looked like in me , like I had these painful places that when I would get hurt , I talked about it in disconnection , I think a little bit but when .

I would get hurt , I would shut down and not want to open up and not want to share what's going on with me Retreat to the garage , yeah . Retreat to my fly tying bench and just kind of shut down . And so you know , I think , a lot of couples that are developing . It's not that you have disconnection in a bunch of areas .

It's actually like you've got quite a few areas that feel okay , but you've got these pain points that just feel really painful and tough . And again , I think the tendency is to not is to try to avoid those areas is to try to not talk about them .

you know , do what you can to make her happy or make him happy , and let's just , if we can just leave this area alone , we'll be fine .

And maybe even if you're having like a really honest day , you'd be like we're good .

But I kind of feel like marriage's people around me that are enjoying things about marriage that maybe I'm not and maybe on those basic days where you feel like , uh , we're good , we're good enough , we'll get around to it someday , like someday we'll kind of cross that financial category , that financial conversation bridge , or someday we'll get better at resolving those

dumb conflicts . And then every now and then , as a developing couple , I think what's really common is something will happen , whether it's like a life event or a big stressor or something that you can't foresee , comes about circumstantially and it kind of exposes those weak areas .

And then all of a sudden those one or two weak areas actually feel really big and hard until you kind of work your way around , like developing couples have workarounds . They figure out how to work around the stuff that they're not great at doing so that the majority of the time they're like , yeah , we're good yeah .

But then sometimes life hands you something and you're like , yeah , we're good , yeah , but then sometimes life hands you something and you're like we can't ignore this big gap Like this is actually really hard .

He's great , she's great , we love each other . Our history is rich . But I do feel dissatisfied . I kind of feel guilty that I feel dissatisfied . I know a lot of women who would be like this . They'd be like I should be thankful . He's amazing , Look around . It's not like he's looking at porn , you know . They're like going .

It's not like he's a serial killer , it's not like he's looking at porn . You're like , yeah , I don't know that . That's like the standard we're going for . Because what if you could have an incredible marriage , you know ?

So I think that low level dissatisfaction where you could kind of stay in it for a long time , Like I think that couples could stay in this middle ground almost their entire married life . Yeah , if you find enough workarounds and you , you talk yourself out of desiring deeper connection than you have .

I'll just say it from this side , and this is going to be a little bit of a spoiler alert for the next podcast , but in order to really love your marriage , women need to feel safe , seen and known , and men need to feel respected and cared for . You know , and so I think that in this category you're really lacking , that you're .

My wife wouldn't feel safe , seen and known . She would feel safe , probably , in in a lot of areas , but not seen and known in all the areas . Totally and safe in some areas , but not safe in all the areas .

Or you agree in kind of how you handle your finances or you agree in your spiritual beliefs , you're , you're , you're really on the same page about , like , the goals that , ultimately , the goals that you have for your life , et cetera , et cetera , you've built something together .

It's usually the communication skills and the conflict resolution skills that are not quote up to par . You're missing each other in those and , as we've talked about like , in order to have a really thriving marriage connection , you have to a have conflict .

Yeah , that would be a really common experience in a developing marriage .

I'm still using the same tools , the same system that I used when we first met , that I used in high school , that we used that I grew up with . So I think we have some agreements in life . Um , just for instance , we talk about your normals quite a bit on this podcast and you grew up with some normals . You had some normals in your home .

You know , uh , which would , which could be in an argument . It's okay to yell , and I had some normals growing up and so , like sarcasm was a normal for me growing up and so , like sarcasm was a normal for me , it was just something that we did , and so continuing to just keep those same normals in your life forever contributes to okay .

Now , when you get married , I have more pressure , right . I have more responsibility , you have a business , you have , um , uh , a house payment , you got car payments , you got a couple of kids . Now you've got tons of weight and tons of responsibility with the same agreements that you had when you were dating in high school .

So I see a lot of couples who , as they progress in their in their life and get more responsibility , if you don't upgrade those systems totally . Then , instead of going to like you started out and you felt I'll say this like you start out , it's it's pretty easy to start out as a couple without kids and feel dynamic .

Oh yeah , I feel like you're on the same team . To feel like , man , we've really got something special . We've really got something going . There's not a lot of stuff between us . You add kids to that and you add responsibility to that . You add work to that .

My capacity is smaller than the demand that's on me , and so I get overwhelmed and I get bankrupt in that area very quickly . I get emotionally overwhelmed , I get bankrupt in that area . You know , very quickly I get emotionally overwhelmed , I get physically overwhelmed . I'm not as flexible as I need to be .

You know I don't have the right answers for the battle that I'm in . And so you know , there's a saying that you always fall back to the level of your training in war . So that'll be like the mark that that you settle into , and I just I think that that's that's really , really true .

You know , I was never in war , but I was a firefighter for a long time and we spent so much time in while then firefighting prepping , so we did lots of drills on . You'd have to pull out like your fire blanket .

So basically , like if a fire was coming and you knew that you were gonna get burned over , you had to , like pull out your fire blanket , take all the water out of your pack if you could , and throw it as far away from you as you can , because it creates steam , oh yeah . And it's it's usually super heated air that kills you in a fire .

Yeah and so , uh , it's not like people get cooked , usually , it's like a couple breaths of really really yeah , it cooks your lungs . And so you had to , like , get into your uh fire blanket as quickly as possible , while you know getting rid of the stuff that on your body that you didn't need . And so we practice all that .

And you also practice like finding a safe zone and practice . I mean there's so much practice that went into like doing the right maneuvers in order to set yourself up for success in firefighting .

You just you drilled it a lot and I remember , um , when I remember being in this really really uh hot fire , we were , we actually were doing a controlled burn and it was basically like this big logging slash unit .

So you're climbing over all this logging slash and a lot of times you get like a hundred foot flames coming off of it , because it's just massive piles of what's left over when timber companies log . And I had this new crew , a couple of new guys on the crew , and I remember we were all paying attention to my boss .

He was giving us directions and I'd done this several times and so very simple instructions . The guy I follow , my boss , I'm I'm 20 feet down from him . He leads uh , because we're on a slope , so whoever is leading has to go first . They , they draw , um basically a fire line .

They're dripping fire and their fire burns up the hill , and I'm below him and I drip fire and my fire burns up the hill . Well , if I'm not paying attention and my boss is behind me and I'm in front of him when I drip fire , it burns up the hill and he's behind me and he gets burned up , which isn't really good right .

So , you have to develop the skillset that , when things get really intense , that I can still think , I can still operate , we can still be safe . And I just remember one time several times , but we had a couple of new guys and they were great .

They were great when we were just doing small , simple stuff , but when it got a lot of pressure , I remember that one guy actually had a breakdown . He the middle of the of the fire .

He literally just dropped all of his tools and hiked out through the center of this massive 150 acre unit and we didn't know where he went , like he could have literally got burned up . Didn't know where he went and found all his tools . To me that's back to like , yeah , that's what happens with pressure .

That's what happens with pressure , not enough experience , uh , never being , never being equipped properly that's what we're talking about here , and you know that guy would feel fine in life if he didn't have pressure .

Um , another thing that comes to mind for me is that a lot of couples who are in this like mehh so-so , my marriage is so-so category , have never learned how to make connection their goal .

What I mean by that and if you listen to this podcast , you've heard us talk about connection being the goal in a marriage , for sure , but what I mean is a couple who has a goal of connection between them makes very different decisions when they're in disagreement or when they are in conflict or when they have to make a big decision .

Couples who have connection as their goal , they navigate those waters really differently . And one of the things that I'm thinking about specifically is like , um , you know , I would say early in our marriage where we had , we had some things going for us really well and then we had other things uh , you mentioned finances .

But one of the things I remember thinking a lot is this is just who I am , this is how I made , and we'd get into these conflicts and you would be hurt by something that I did or said and I would have this thing inside of me . That's just like I don't know how to be another way .

And likewise , I can remember you know , we one of our big cyclical arguments for years was around Jason's hobbies . So you know , we , one of our big cyclical arguments for years was around Jason's hobbies . So you know how much he used his hobbies to medicate . Really , his anxiety created a lot of stress in our marriage dynamic .

Um , how I handled myself in conflict would have created a lot of stress in our marriage dynamic . And I think there was different areas like that where both of us would have said like this is just how I'm wired , this is just who I am .

And I think when you're in a marriage and there's a rub , there's a tension whether it's a habit that one of you has that just grates on the other , or whether it's actually like a tendency or a behavior that you exhibit a lot , that's really painful for the other person . When you find yourself saying something like this is just who I am .

They need to deal with it . You know that connection is not actually your goal , because when we learn how to make connection our goal , we actually it is our aim .

I'm actually choosing connection instead , and so I think for many , many couples that are kind of in this middle ground meh category I don't know that you know , a lot of us aren't taught how to make connection the highest priority and and that really contributes to being in this certain type of spot in marriage .

And take off the take off the old blinders of this is just who I am , this is just what I've seen , this is what I've done , but , you know , I think a journey full of hope , a journey full of intentionality , every , every couple that sets out like a settler or like a pioneer , you need a good guide , you need a , you need a real clear path , you need to

be able to go . Okay , this is going to cost me something and I'm ready to go . You know I'm , I'm ready to launch . And so you know , unfortunately , over my 20 years I've seen this happen a lot after there's been like a great awakening .

And then they don't want the old marriage , so they build a new marriage which is awesome , but what happens is that pain forces them to go and make a real plan . It's so painful that I can no longer stay here . It's the couples who statistically like seven to 10 year mark is the mark where couples start getting divorces .

Because I'm tired of this thing that you do to me all the time . I'm tired of not feeling known . I'm tired of not feeling seen .

Okay , we're gonna climb the rockies , we're gonna ford some rivers , we can't take our old baggage behind like they literally couldn't . They had to leave their stuff totally and get in this wagon and a lot of them died on the trail , so maybe this isn't the best example but no , it is , it's like this is a I'm changing the way I think .

I'm going to a new land and I'm gearing up in our . Our marriage is the most important thing , Not my job . Our marriage is the most important thing , Not the kids . Marriage is the most important thing and I'm going to put all my effort , all my energy , all my resources to making this thing our priority .

Independence Missouri is where it started yeah , if you want to make it to Oregon , the families who okay , so there's a couple right , like you , follow these different families and their journey , or whatever the the really dynamic , the really committed couple , I would say the committed couple , who they're in it together , they have made a joint decision .

We are doing this . Come hell or high water , we're getting to Oregon . You know they , they make it inevitably the couples who have these really like fragile connections or I'm thinking specifically of , like one husband and wife couple and they were trying to take their family .

It was like the husband really wanted to go but their wife was really begrudging and she was really hesitant and she wasn't actually up for the journey . She like died like pretty quickly into the journey . My point is this like to actually get from being a nah , our marriage is okay .

Couple to becoming a really dynamic couple , you've got to both be on the same page . You have to want it . You have to both want it and you have to both be committed or there's casualties . That's probably where the analogy breaks down , but truly it really is .

We say this like you have to be up for building the new thing and leaving behind old stuff , which requires a ton of humility , a ton of ownership . You have to be able to identify those pain points and be willing to focus on what you're contributing to that dynamic .

Here's why , if you've been doing this for any length of time and you're able to identify the parts of your marriage that you don't enjoy , and you can identify the parts of your marriage that you do love , if you knew what to do to fix it , you would have already done it probably and and the best part about actually having you know we're going to invest some

time and some money , we're going to get a counselor or we're going to take a course or we're going to , you know , doing something outside of you two . The best thing about that is that you don't actually have to create the plan yourself . You just have to be willing to take tons of ownership , to show up and to follow through .

And I the mistake that I think people make is because they've lived in it so long . They think it's going to take so long to to get out of it . But , the truth is is like I've just done it so much . I've seen like people make a four month commitment to themselves and investment in themselves , which could look like whatever .

Uh , at first you go to counseling every week and then you go , you know every other week , and then you go once a month and then you know every other month . You just do a checkup , like that's a quick process that I see a lot of couples do .

I've done it for a lot of couples in the past and people get well , you get , you get because you're you're on a track that has measurement in it . It actually has somebody that's looking at you and reassessing you . It has somebody that's where you when you go back to the old path .

You have somebody there that's holding you accountable , which isn't your spouse . It's the coach or the counselor or whatever this course that is able to go like . We tried this tool . It didn't work . What's wrong ?

And if you want to save a ton of time and assure that you're getting like , you're walking towards your intended goal , you want to be sure , get a guide hire a guide put your time , effort and energy towards getting the best guide that you can and make sure that you're not wasting your time .

And if you're in this marriage where you've got these pain points and you're not sure how to overcome them like are you supposed to think of it out of thin air , or you could talk to somebody who's actually walked a lot of people through the same process I always say , like when you're in a lot of pain in your marriage and you're just acutely aware of your

spouse's imperfections and all the things that make this person so challenging for me in this certain area it's it's easy to feel like you have some sort of like unique dynamic going on .

And I think what you realize after all these years right of working with couples and counseling people , there's no creative problem no there's no creative set of dynamics that make your marriage so much harder than everybody else's or your husband or your wife so much harder than everybody else . There's not a lot of creative problems .

And so actually inviting a guide of some sort whether coach , counselor , a marriage course , something that it helps you know that you're getting input from people who've seen this set of issue so many times . This is not creative , it's not complicated , it's good . Okay , so fantastic , this is good . This is a hopeful conversation for people .

Gosh , if you're listening and you're like , oh my gosh , I'm so curious what kind of couple are we ? Are we disconnected ? Are we developing ? Are we dynamic ?

Again , for fun , you could head over to Jason and Lauren valentinecom and take our really quick two minute assessment and discover for yourself where you , where you sit , and it will help you get a really good picture of , like , what to do next . How do we actually go to the next level ? How do we continue growing as a married couple ?

Um , I want to mention , too , that Jason and I have , uh , ongoing , periodic and ongoing marriage intensives . We love leading people through , um , their marriage dynamic and actually helping them chart pathways to more and more thriving . So , uh , always feel free to check out when the upcoming courses are that we're offering on our websites .

Jason and Lauren Ballatincom Guys , we hope this has been a helpful and interesting episode for you . If you know anybody that would really benefit from hearing this content , we would just invite you to share the podcast episode . You can go ahead and like it , subscribe to it and review it yourself . That really helps us .

And then if you ever have questions on these topics , be sure that you're reaching out to us either by email at datesmatesbabies at gmailcom , or on social media . We will see you guys next week for our third episode of the Measure of Marriage . All right , y'all have a good week .