78. Q&A

Yeah , we love incorporating your questions into some of our episodes and it helps us understand what you guys are facing , what you're interested in , what you need help with . So , yeah , we love hearing from you . All right , babe . First question how do you navigate in marriage a change in your sexual attraction towards your partner after some weight gain ?

Um , I think a couple of things , and I'd love to hear a lot of your thoughts too , in this . This is a very sensitive topic for couples just in general , because you know people feel insecure and you don't . You don't feel your best when you're , when you're not looking your best .

And I think on top of that there's like a thousand reasons why people gain weight , from everything from again babies to hormonal changes , to um , to hormonal changes , to physical ailments .

So I think when we go as as a man , if I came to you and said , hey , I'm really struggling with feeling attracted to you because of how much you weigh , that's probably not going to go over very well . And not only that it's the wrong message to send , probably not going to go over very well .

And not only that , it's the wrong message to send If , if I , if you weren't healthy babe , if you weren't living a healthy lifestyle because of a bunch of different reasons . I would approach the topic from the place of hey , I want like . My main concern for us is that we both be as healthy as we possibly can .

You know , and I will say I agree that , uh , having a spouse who takes care of himself , uh , physically , mentally and emotionally , is really important to me . That you know , physical attraction is hard to muster when you're married to somebody who doesn't take great care of themselves . For me , it wouldn't just be weight , it would .

You know , there's other things that contribute to taking care of yourself , and so , you know , those factors are important . Um , I think that I really love , as a couple , setting a goal , you know , like in marriage .

I think it would be really healthy to determine , um , in your , in your marriage , like when it comes to taking care of our bodies , like what , what is our standard ? What is our like ? What do we want to ? What do we want to set as our standard in that , and how can we go after that as a team ? You know this is such a sensitive topic .

It's very hard . I would imagine it'd be very hard to bring this up with anyone almost anyone , man or woman like it would be very sensitive to say , hey , I'm struggling .

I don't I'm struggling in my physical attraction towards you and I think that it's because of , uh , either how much weight you've put on or something about how you're taking care of yourself is not aligning with , like , what I find physically attractive .

That is real and probably that's a conversation that would be really helpful to have with somebody else , maybe even before you have it with your spouse , in the sense of , like , that's something that I would talk to my counselor about before I would approach it with Jason . I would actually run it past my counselor and say here's how I'm feeling .

Help me brainstorm the best way to deliver this message in a way that's helpful but honest and um well , can I add a piece to that ?

But if I really respect what you're doing and how hard you're working and where we're going together , there's all kinds of things that you and I would prefer would be changed on one another , like if I had a magic wand , sure , and whether it's how proactive I am or my ability to you know clean better or I don't know , like my toes and my back hair and all

that stuff that guys have . You know , it's like if you could wave a magic wand , but part of what makes couples more and more attractive to one another is I really deeply respect you .

The least attractive thing in life is I don't respect how you're living and for I think , with when a woman is looking at a man , I think that that's the biggest piece is do you respect how he's living his life and how he's carrying himself ?

And I think a man to a woman , it's do again , do I respect you and do I respect how you're living life and taking care of yourself and taking care of me and the family ? and showing up in the relationship and so when we have conversations around actually , uh , navigating these type of conversations , I'm really I think it's back to I love you so much .

And I said , hey , why don't we either have a conversation together or you have the conversation that says I really love you , I want to live a long life . This matters to me more than anything . That you would take care of your , your physical health , and that we would do everything at the doctor that we know to do to really care for you where you're at .

This is super important for me . I love you , I want to go on this journey with you . It's that piece of I love you . I want to go on this journey with you . I'm for you . This really matters to me . I think that's the message we have to send very well .

And then any , any way that you can bolster , strengthening your emotional connection in your marriage by way of emotion led communication and learning how to communicate really well with each other about yourself and in a way that's for your marriage . Uh , all of that is going to be more important than the actual message you send about this weight gain .

Whether that trust issue is between you and your partner or whether that trust issue is really between you and yourself or you and God that's that's the question . So , um , you know that I would have . I have gorgeous friends . Let me just say that right now , my friends are beautiful .

I've some of my best friends are some of the best looking girls that I know .

I actually really love that about you , babe , and , um , I would want you to be able to get on social media and support them in whatever they're doing or , you know , like their photos and give shout outs and things like that . That's fun .

Now , if my friends were like prancing around social media in bikinis and posting things that were super inappropriate or that felt like they were trying to get a guy's attention , that would be a whole nother conversation . Um , so I think the nature of it you know .

I would have questions like well , if your boyfriend has a really beautiful friend who you know he's liking their posts on social media , and the nature of the post isn't anything wrong , it's just purely that she's got a pretty face , then I would say , yeah , we probably need to figure out why you feel jealous or insecure about somebody else's pretty face .

You know what I'm saying . But if it's , if the nature of it is , if it's beyond that right Like , if it's you actually have a problem with the friendship that your boyfriend has with this person , then it could be from a host of different reasons this person , then it could be from a host of different reasons .

So I didn't have a bunch of single girlfriends that I did things with , uh , that I would have to like stop that relationship when a woman came in , and so I think a lot of guys have never had really great boundaries .

And therefore , when a woman comes in , she does feel like I'm competing with all these other women that you had in your life and you're giving a piece of yourself to them that should only be given to me , so I would .

If that's the case , if he's liking you know girls photos who are clearly out there hunting for men then I would say your issue is you need to set better boundaries with your boyfriend and say , hey , I actually don't follow any guys that are trying to impress women .

Yeah , it doesn't feel good like that then you got to switch it up .

This question came as we were in a previous episode talking about how I actually said , in my closest circle of friends , I typically only build really really close , intimate friendships with women who love their marriages , because I need people in my life who are doing a great job fighting for their marriage and loving their marriage .

It's part of what makes me feel safe in friendship . Um , he said I love that , but I'm having a hard time finding a close group of friends that really love their marriages .

How do you go about building a friend group as a guy when so many men aren't actually thriving in marriage , and is that a really important standard to keep when I'm building close friendships ? What do you think ?

Yeah , Um , who , who they're married to , it just the marriage is really tough and that happens right .

I was in a really tough marriage . Yeah , my first marriage was super tough and , um , so , to me , it's not , uh , it's not about whether or not they have a marriage that is perfect and amazing and working for me personally . It's about is this a person that I respect ? Is it ? Do I respect how they lead their life ?

Do I respect , uh , how they lead their family ? Do I respect how they're working on the areas that they're weak in ? And you know , you would have your close friends with girls who have weaknesses in different areas .

And then , as you make some friends and as you have the ability to make more friends , that's what happens in life is , you know , hang around the best people that you can , because that becomes your influence . It becomes your resource becomes your influence , it becomes your resource , it becomes your community .

And we are constantly whether we like to admit it or not , are constantly in a healthy way , moving people out who don't take care of their life and moving people in who really do take care of their life , Because if they take care of their life , they'll take care of our life .

And that becomes this piece of like the Bible says do unto others as you do unto yourself . So , there's lots of friendships in my life that I started out , where I didn't realize oh man , they don't know how to do unto themselves . And that's why , eventually , the do unto others isn't really working out well , and so I think it's um .

We all go through different seasons in life . If you get married and you've never had , if you get married and you're just newly married , you'll go through a time where your marriage is hard .

So I'll say this one you have to work this out with the people that are in your life that you really respect , that , that give you , that know you and can give you really good wisdom and counsel .

The fact that there's things to work through , things that you don't like , is a normal thing . You're never going to marry someone and go , wow , I like everything about them . That's a myth . It's a fairy tale . You don't like everything about you , so you're going to work Totally and you're going to change and marriage is going to get tough .

So that covenant , that real covenant that you make with God , is there to keep you in the game Totally . It's there so that you will work through the hard time and do what you have to do to hang on when it gets frigging so tough .

There's so many different steps and before I so the first challenge that I see people make is they don't communicate well enough before things are getting are getting challenging and frustrating , and so then it's like they have years of you don't take care of me , you don't show up for me , you're not , you don't take care of me , you don't show up for me ,

You're not , you don't really know me , and it's like well , a lot of that's your fault because you haven't communicated anything If you haven't communicated , and so it becomes this you know , massive disconnection . Instead of fixing something small , you're having to fix something massive . Let's talk about an affair , because I would say that's the most common reason .

Why is why people ? why people yeah is a fair or emotional disconnection . Uh , uh , yeah . And so with an affair for me , I honestly I don't actually feel like I had much choice at all . Um , my wife was having an affair , uh , and decided to go . Decided to go and be with somebody .

I didn't get any of that , so it wasn't uh , it wasn't super hard to you know to move on . There was nothing to stay for .

So to go and be in a relationship is a real dumb idea around . Yeah , dumb idea . So , anyways , um , I , I didn't do anything for six months . I literally just started working through pain and going to work and taking care of the kids and doing life . And my here was .

My whole thought is and I think this is really true for people is , if your spouse is having an affair and they , on their own , go and get well , clean up the mess , want to rebuild the marriage , you've got something worth fixing . Got something worth fixing .

If you have to go , beg them , hunt them down , get them to see there's a problem , chase them all around like it isn't going to work because you can't fix somebody else . And so that was my mentality . If , if I'll , I'm happy to wait six months . Honestly , I waited a year .

And if , on her own , you know she goes and gets well and changes and comes back Like that's up to her , that's not up to me and it's not up to me to chase anybody down . And so I think that a lot I really do .

I think that in your marriage , it's your responsibility to really work on you and to own your stuff and to show up and to be present in the marriage . And , um , in an affair , you know , the person's got to want to change .

Um , I think the the other reason that people leave is a course like emotional abuse and to me , like a lot of couple , a lot of people are like , like you know , I don't want a divorce .

Well , that's what separation's for is if you're in an emotionally abusive relationship and it is actually genuinely emotionally abusive set some really hard boundaries to love you , to protect the relationship , and you don't have to get a divorce .

You can literally which again , you should do this with a counselor but you can literally go hey , this isn't working out for me . We've done this road a million times . I love you , but I'm not going to continue to get emotionally abused or the kids , I'm not going to continue to expose our kids to this .

You need to go get help and I'm going to be over here till you go get help . I'm not in control of you . You know you could set that really healthy boundary .

Divorce , to me , is the last option , because the truth is is like I often see people get a divorce thinking that they're going to find now again emotional abuse affairs I'm not talking about that anymore where they think you know I'm going to find someone that makes me happier and the truth is , is that divorce is so damaging to the kids .

It's so much to work through yeah it's an emotional hammer . It's a . It's a hammer on your finances . Like I rarely see people get divorced and I know I'm going to get a million texts like in and have people go like , wow , that was really , that was worth it . If I could have rebuilt my marriage and fixed my marriage , I would have done that .

And we've talked about that a lot Like we would both have wanted that for our kids . Oh , yeah , so to me , that's the . That is the first and the best option , every time , if you can .

Do you do when your spouse is physically sick , you know with an illness .

I had a hard recovery physical recovery after our first child and , um , we've talked about this on the podcast , but we were unable to have intercourse for almost a whole calendar year after Edie was born . Right , who's counting ? So , um , we learned in well and we had learned even in previous seasons what to do about .

You know , in marriage there are ebbs and flows to everything and your sexual intimacy . What that looks like , it changes season to season . A lot of outside factors , yeah , A lot of outside factors .

Yeah , you know , when it comes to two physical bodies connecting in a way that is helpful for your marriage , like a lot of people go through a lot of changes in life , a lot of things physical , emotional , mental Health really does impact your ability to connect on a sexual level . Health really does impact your ability to connect on a sexual level .

So I think , um , one thing that was really important for us was building an emotional connection that could withstand a withdrawal from our sexual intimacy . So we worked really hard in those years to build an incredible emotional connection .

Um , I think that the second half of that question where , uh , this listener said you know that they actually started withdrawing physical affection in order to avoid getting disappointed I think that is that's the indication of pain . Right , that's that's where you know , oh , I have a lot of pain . I'm trying to avoid pain right now .

So , for starters , I think that if you have a spouse with chronic illness and it's impacting your sexual intimacy spouse with chronic illness and it's impacting your sexual intimacy that you can talk very openly about it and share very openly with each other about how the situation is impacting you , how it feels to be in your skin in this situation would be very

important . So my number one goal for anybody in a situation like this would be do you have the skillset to talk very openly in your emotion-led communication ? Can you communicate with each other about how you feel about the situation ?

That means that I'm communicating with you about myself , free of judgment and accusation , but I feel like I can be completely honest with you about how I feel . Uh , and you're not . You're not interpreting that as blame or accusation or , you know , judgment . That's a strong , that's an important skillset to have in marriage in general .

But when you're talking about this kind of thing , you got to be able to be really free and open . You're talking about this kind of thing , you got to be able to be really free and open .

If you're avoiding physical affection to avoid getting disappointed , that's something you would need to be able to talk about with your spouse and probably somebody on the outside as well . You need to be able to process that pain . Um , you know we , we know that you can actually engage in sexual intimacy without having intercourse .

We've had to do that for seasons in our marriage . It's possible , and I would say that , especially in that season after Edie where it wasn't physically possible for me to have intercourse . We actually had a pretty connected sex life in the midst of that . It's just didn't look like what it had looked like in the past .

So you know , you gotta be able to think outside the box a little bit and um but . But if you are actually in a marriage with somebody who's unable really to engage in a lot of sexual intimacy in general , that is a huge , that is a . That's a , that's a trial . I mean , that is a . That is a disappointment to grieve .

That is a situation to go to God and wise counsel about . With regards to like , what do I do when this area of my life is ? I feel like my hands are tied and there's not a lot I can do about my spouse's physical health situation and I have a lot of expectation and I have a lot of expectations to grieve . I'm feeling disappointed in this area .

This is something that I didn't want and you know we have a lot of .

There are a lot of areas of life where you get to a certain point in your life and you realize of life where you get to a certain point in your life and you realize , oh dang , this isn't what I thought I was signing up for , or this is really painful and sad and disappointing for me .

This might just be my lot in life , oh crap , like , how do I reconcile that , you know ? Um , and so learning how to grieve your disappointments is really important . That doesn't answer the what do I do physically about my needs question . I'm going to let you answer that .

But I think that on the emotional level , those are really real things to sit with and process and grieve . I don't want to . I don't want to draw a comparison where it's not appropriate , but , like my mom died this year , I have to grieve the fact that I'll never have a mom on the planet again for the rest of my life .

Or , you know , we've had one of our , one of our children , one of our toddler . She has had some emotional struggles this past year and I've had to grieve like , wow , this isn't how I saw this going . I really wanted to enjoy the four-year-old season of my daughter's life and it's been really hard . That's a grief that I carry .

Or having a husband who struggles with anxiety , uh , from time to time I remember last Christmas actually having this thought with myself like I'm sad that I'm married to somebody who struggles with anxiety . I can't take his anxiety away . It's a grief to me , like I didn't want to marry somebody that battles anxiety , but I did .

We might always battle anxiety , bummer , like I don't want that . I didn't want that . I'm sad about that . I have to grieve it . It impacts our life , you know . So my point in saying all of that is getting good at processing pain and disappointment is really important .

So , you have to solve that and that's right . You can solve it with all the all the ways that Lauren talked about a second ago . Let's get . Let's also get creative about being known . So , being known sexually , being known in maybe some of your you know what would be , what sounds exciting to you even though you can't have intercourse .

That that's a big piece , and so I think , if your wife's chronically ill , or your husband's chronically ill , being able to being able to do other things , you can masturbate , you can . There's all kinds of you know oral sex .

There's all kinds of different ways that you can solve this piece of the puzzle that are healthy and that that don't violate the marriage and that you can feel known and cared for . And seen . Is everything that you wished and wanted for ? No , but I have yet to find most anything in life . That is everything I dreamed up in the very beginning .

And so if you're having to think outside the box about how to engage in sexual intimacy with your partner in more untraditional ways due to , you know , physical limitations , I would just , uh , encourage you to listen to that episode a little bit more . We talk about , um , how to protect , like , what are you actually protecting in marriage ?

And , um , what's off limits in sex in marriage , which has a lot to do with what you both feel good about and what actually contributes to connection , what in sex contributes to a deeper emotional connection between you and your spouse and also doesn't violate anybody else . So , that's really important . I'd I'd encourage you to listen to that episode .

I think it would help . Great question .

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