51. Reflections and Resolutions: Setting Relationship Goals for the New Year

It's a little bit of a holiday blur . You're like finishing up the last of the Christmas cookies . You're living off leftovers . There's like good things about this week and there's hard things about this week . People are just kind of like floating around wondering , you know , what are we doing next ?

And so in this weird week between Christmas and New Year , we offer you an episode where we get to kind of reflect and make some relationship goals for the new year . We get to kind of reflect on 2023 . We are going to invite you listeners to reflect on your own year with your loved ones or your friends or your family .

And what better week to think forward about the upcoming year than this week right before New Year's Eve ? So we're glad you're with us . This is your first time listening . We're Jason and Lauren Vallatin .

This podcast is all about relational health and building a thriving relational world inside the context of friendship and family and really just the idea that people were created for connection and we were created to live in thriving family units .

And yet a lot of us kind of struggled to figure out how to do that exactly and we kind of fumble along in our young adult years and , anyways , we're here to offer some tips and tricks and wisdom and things we've learned along the way in our own little blended family full of wild ups and downs , and so hopefully our reflections on our own 2023 will help you

and your significant other , or you and your family , kind of think through and process your past year and then looking ahead .

And then I think just , yeah , uh , brave Co also . Just seeing guys' lives get transformed and change is definitely a high for me .

This has been a really gratifying year of watching our three oldest kids super thrive , make great decisions um go after dreams , set goals for themselves , try new things , um thrive . It's really been cool . We had our youngest of the three oldest kids move out this year .

So this was the year that we would have been empty nesters if we hadn't made that wild decision to start over and have babies again . Um , but yeah , just what a gift , what a celebration to see our three oldest kids honestly thrive .

Um , and most everyone knows about yeah , if you've been listening for any any time this year , you know that in the late summer my mom , who had been in a battle , was fourth stage stomach cancer .

Her health really declined , started declining in July and then in August Jason and myself and the two youngest kids flew out to kind of um , have a goodbye trip with my mom , and it was five weeks of watching her decline pretty rapidly . Yeah , um , we didn't get a ton of quality time I would say we got .

We got some moments of sweetness and it was an absolute gift to be there for her and for my dad in that in that time . But ultimately we we say goodbye to her and she passed away in um September .

We've run into some sensory modulation issues with her which basically just looks like kind of volcanic eruptions of emotion and wildly you know kind of a lot of it has to do with .

, some breakthrough .

Like I'm not , I've not done zero to five before let's do this , and you really want to savor and cherish those years because you know they go fast , they just go up , they go by really quick , um , and so it is kind of a sadness right To be in a spot where you're not super enjoying parenting a three year old . Oh , that's such a bummer .

He's there just little for so short . But here we are , you know . And then , of course , just the experiencing the holidays in the midst of what has felt a bit chaotic with losing mom and things not feeling super peaceful at home . So yeah , the lows of 2023 have really been a trial .

So you know , the reality is for all of us and for those of you listening , there's extreme opportunities for disconnection inside of hard times .

You know , if you've , if you've been on the planet , you know that when hard times come , the the quality and the strength of your relationships are really tested and it's good for us to be aware of , because when you're just trying to survive , you know , sometimes you end up hurting the people that are closest to you and I think it's , it's a classic .

You know , you , you , you talk about , you hear statistics about people that go through , you know , the death of a loved one or , like you know , losing a child . I think there's a crazy statistic I heard of the other day about the percentage of divorce that happens after you lose a child .

Yeah , it's high because extreme stress and it an incredible like tragedy your , the the connection in your close relationships is really tested and it can be so hard to navigate those unforeseen circumstances . But you know they're those . Things aren't things that you can like plot out on the calendar . You don't know they're coming , they just come .

So I don't think that's something you can super plan for , but you can be prepared and we're going to talk about that a little bit later just like how to live your life in a way that you can be present but prepared for the inevitables of life .

I mean I am learning a lot , but I do think that part of you know that has been really that has really impacted our marriage in this last quarter of the year and I think I didn't know how exhausting grieving is , you know , like physically tiring I've I mean I , if I don't get eight hours of sleep a night , I am an absolute waste during the day and I get

tired quickly . I mean it's just . It's just really it takes a lot of capacity , I think , to be present in grief and I think learning , like when the hard things happen and when you're in mourning or when , when you know you're recovering from something tragic , there's no stopping real life happening around you .

It's not like somehow it's comforting to me to know that the design isn't that when you have to grieve you push pause on your life , you retreat into some sort of sanctuary and you work it out and then you come out later and like , continue living . No , like that's not the design .

Somehow God designed us to be able to carry on with normal life and all of its demands while also grieving , and in fact I think partly the way through grief is to do the normal things of life . It helps you stay grounded in the present . It helps you not get swallowed up by the emotion of it . But , golly sakes , it will test your connections .

And you know , I feel like kids are kind of like dogs , like they can smell fear , they can smell like emotion . It's so funny how perceptive our kids are of our emotions . When I'm having a hard day , like feeling sad about my mom , you know maybe there's tears or maybe there's not .

Oftentimes both kids , both of the two little kids , will catch on and usually I can feel them reach for me in that and and try to be present with me in my sadness for a minute .

You're probably trying to make sure I'm okay , you know , but it's , it's really sweet , but in that I don't know , I feel like he just had this sixth sense of like dad is the one that has more strength to give in this season and so bedtime routine , which has been a challenge in her . Yeah , and morning routine , which have both been really challenging .

I think I haven't had the capacity that I would have even had in past seasons to be present with her and to be patient with her . But gosh , you have , yeah . And so we've made some decisions to adjust some of those roles for a time , knowing that it's not forever .

And , yeah , like you said , the last two nights , eighties quote , let me put her to sleep , which has been a bit of a win . Yeah , it's been crazy , but yeah , gosh , changing routines and adjusting our roles to adapt for just the needs . The demands of the season have been huge .

Like yeah adaption is the key , and so when we're in South Carolina , that's kind of where it all started , when I started to take over a lot of the routines so that you could be with your mom right , and of course it's like massively challenging for me .

He had this saying he said bless it out of the flexible , for they shall not break . Yeah because everything always changed .

Oh yeah , if you came up with a plan firefighting , you just knew like it's only a matter of time before this plan changes and you have to adapt to a new scenario and whether it's the wind or whether it's , you didn't get water that you wanted to , or whether it's the heat , or you know any of the elements and so . But in relationship I do .

I think that that's where couples , I think that's where they go off the rails is when you can't adapt , when you're unwilling to change and adapt and grow or get disgruntled because of it . But it's hard .

Okay , and I watched you when we were in South Carolina and my mom's health was declining and I realized like , oh , my days with her are super numbered . We are coming to the end . I'll never get this time back to like be with her in her death . I'll never get that back .

You could have gone into self-preservation mode knowing that , like this is going to be super hard for you . You're going to have to carry a ton of weight . You're going to have crazy toddlers on your hands . You have a grieving wife you could have . You could have not let me do what I was able to do .

You could have self-preserved and required me to be more present with you and the kids . But I think your ability to look ahead and go this is temporary . We can get through this . You like set aside your need to self-preserve and really adapt it , and I think in our relationships we self-preserve when we're afraid that we're not going to get what we need out .

Also , and I think for all of us , to move towards having the ability to , to not be afraid of a season lasting forever or a circumstance wiping us out , like our ability to sell . Set aside the temptation to self-preserve and move into connection and into that like flexibility , golly .

I think people will save their lives , save their marriages , if they learn how to do that that's true .

Cause there was a lot of hard stuff that happened this year and that's not unique . Like all of you listening , I'm sure you've walked through one thing or another that has felt really trying this year , but looking back and be able to identify where you went , you know where where things went well for you , like what did you do Well ?

What did you choose Well , it's huge . So , figuring out how to highlight and celebrate any milestones or achievements , yeah , what are some of our ?

Um , yeah , these work wins we've had , like in the midst of a hard time . We've had a few work wins , the podcast being one of them , and then this we're about to host our second marriage intensive .

Uh , you know , before both of our little kids were born , I was working , we were working two full-time jobs , more than full-time jobs , and we had two full-time incomes . And , my gosh , when you're only working on one income , your life looks different , especially right now with inflation and the economy and just all that's happening in the world .

So , um , yeah , I feel like we chose for our family that I would be home more , and I think that was a good choice , but the implications of that were pretty big financially . So , yeah , some things , some some gains were made this year . We've kind of got ourselves out of a , uh , a couple holes . We were like we've problem solved a little bit .

It kind of figured it out . We like let make the bleeding stop , and I think that's something to celebrate .

But I think , when we look back , it really was like a tearing down and a building year all at the same time , and so many different areas , and so it's cool , babe , good job .

But then , what are our own personal areas of growth ? Like what , what do we want to aim ourselves at moving into this next year in our own , in our own relationship ?

well , we have had a way of parenting for so long that really honestly doesn't work for her .

You know it's so uncomfortable . It's so uncomfortable to be in a hard season with your kids . It's so grating .

So then it just kind of comes if you're not careful it does , it gets in between you and your spouse and it becomes like a real hardship . And so you know this is a huge growth area for us this year . This is we've . We are trying to crack some codes with the help of the good Lord and some professionals , like we need , you know , some help .

So we're going after that and we know I mean that's a huge growth area for us this year . The other thing I mean along the same lines I feel like I'll speak for myself I need to grow in my ability to self-regulate in the midst of my child's dysregulation . Yeah , me too .

There's , like some I'm not gonna call it full on co-dependency , because I think that it's natural for a mother , and probably a father too , but for a mother to feel deeply the struggles of her children , that makes me human , that makes me a compassionate , empathetic person .

But I do have to figure out how to self-regulate in the midst of her dysregulation and I think that's something for all of us to probably grow in our ability to like manage ourselves in when we're surrounded by people that don't or can't . That's a skill set that I know I need to improve on .

Like we're , that's like a . Probably the gift of marriage is that you always get to grow in intimacy . And so in our sex life , in our intimate connection . I think we're always looking to grow there . That'd be something that we'd want to grow in this year .

I feel like we're trying to figure it out . We're kind of like trailblazing something in our marriage . We're trying really hard to learn .

Honestly , it's just not been a super strong skill set , like I can make a spreadsheet with the best of them , but when it comes to actually setting financial goals , we're really in the infant stage of knowing how to manage finances in a way that creates wealth .

But so , when it comes to looking at growth areas like things that you're currently not doing great at but you really want to improve upon , I think we would need to emphasize the importance of constructive like looking at these things constructively , to address those concerns and to find solutions , which a visual of that for me is if there's something that is a

growth opportunity , rather than make it a thing that is between me and you , I'm gonna make it a thing that's out in front of both of us , so that we're not aiming at each other . We're aiming at the target , and so these growth areas , they really could .

Ultimately , there are areas of my life that are not strong , so it could absolutely dramatically impact my marriage or my family , but if I put it between us , then I'm aiming at you when I'm trying to solve the problem .

Instead , let's take these growth opportunities , these growth areas , and put them out in front of us and , like the visual would be , we could hold hands and look together at the growth opportunity and go after it , rather than .

So , anyways , date nights would be awesome . We already talked about our financial goals that we have .

I would say too , maybe on a more emotional level , like I think the reality of marriage or just close relationship is that there can be growth areas that you have that are kind of individual , and then there's growth areas for us kind of as a couple , and I do think it's important to kind of explore the importance of maintaining those like individual goals and

supporting each other's kind of individual aspirations , because the thing is is there are certain things that are honestly mine to do and there are certain things that are really Jason's deal . So like for me , I'm in a season of figuring out , like what does the process of grief look like ? How do I move through grief in a healthy way ?

It's wild to me how these big life events can pose a lot of questions that I hadn't had before . Like I'm questioning a lot of things not because I'm getting ready to throw my faith out the window . I'm looking for answers that fortify what I believe to be true and my heart is needing like a reeducation in some areas and so morning .

The death of my mom has really initiated a huge season for me . It's not yours , it's mine , and so inside of that I have to take a lot of ownership over it . I need to realize that , like if I don't take a ton of ownership and actually move forward in it and grow through it , it would negatively impact my family and I don't want that to be the case .

But on the other end , jay is able to really give me space and room to be in that it kind of mirrors potentially like the battle that you've had with anxiety over the years . Just from time to time that becomes a greater battle at different times and it's yours . I mean , if it's unchecked , it really affects our marriage , it really affects our family .

So it's something that you have to take a lot of individual ownership over and at the same time as your spouse I need to be able to give you a ton of permission and room to go after that thing . So I think just understanding the difference and balancing out kind of individual and shared goals is important .

But making sure that we're flexible and honest , like , I think , going into the power and the importance of doing an exercise like this is that if you can't hit anything that you don't aim at and you can't change anything that you don't pursue , and so oftentimes we just kind of roll into another year and do the same old thing or really try to hide the areas

that feel weak , because it makes us feel insecure and powerless . But the best thing that we could possibly do is together really look at the areas that worked well for us and the areas that aren't working well for us and kind of put your ego aside and attack those places .

And so it's so important to create some strategies to help us adapt and to change and to grow , because there is so many unforeseen challenges .

Like I could look at my life and say my life's always hard , but the truth is like I've really enjoyed my life and there are things that are challenging about it .

But I think if you have a great plan and if you are adaptable and flexible and a team , then you get through this stuff so much better and so really , and these types of seasons like taking a look again at your connection and establishing strong family cultures right , lifting one another up and praying for each other and making sure that Even just the way you

communicate with each other the way that you do connection . Yeah , yeah , Keeping your relationship strong with the Lord is massive , you know , and just learning to be adaptable and learning to stay together .

You know , I think , when I look at this season honestly , like we did some thankfulness around the table last night , Like what are you thankful for around the Christmas dinner , you know , and to me I just , if it wasn't for our really close friends and family , I don't know where we would be honestly .

We're getting better at vocalizing that . I know you're . You've been really proactive about telling me in the last even couple of weeks like I'm thankful for you , I'm thankful for what you do for our family . I see what you're doing and you've communicated to me like , hey , I need that too .

I need to know that you appreciate what I'm doing in this season , that you see me flexing and you see me adapting and you see me carrying the load that I'm carrying .

And I think we really have an opportunity to deepen our connection when we choose to express gratitude for one another to one another , and so I think that can be a real key to moving through not just tough times but actually just moving ahead , moving ahead into a new season , like actually expressing gratitude .

So you guys , we charge you with this homework assignment to actually reflect on 2023 .

Talk about how you're building yourselves up to be adaptable to change into the demands of life , and then practice expressing gratitude .

year . I just want to pray for everyone . Good . Father , I thank you , lord , that you are in the midst of every marriage relationship , family person relationship . God , you are there with us and , Lord , I thank you for leading us this far , for giving us just a year of growth and challenges .

But , lord , you're in the middle of all of that and , god , I ask that as we step into this new season , lord , that you would come and give vision , that you'd build hope , that you'd bring a incredible sense of purpose and life and hope and energy for each person , each family , each marriage , god , each individual and Lord , those places that feel hard .

Lord , would you come and bring strategy and make them smooth and easy . God , in Jesus' name , amen .

If it has blessed you , if it has encouraged you , please , as always , go and like and subscribe and share . Leave us a review . That's also really awesome , and with that , we will see you in 2024 .