¶ Dealing With Insecurities and Prenups
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Alright , babe , we're back .
We sure are . Merry Christmas , everybody . It is that time of year and we're here , jason and Lauren , your hosts at dates , mates and babies , with the Valentines to bring you the best we have in relational and emotional health . Every now and then we love doing episodes , a Q and A episodes .
We'll kind of pull questions that our listeners have sent in , either on DMs or things people have reached out about , and those are some of our favorite kind of episodes to do , because we know that this content is what you're asking for . So we're going to dive in to question number one here , but we're glad you're with us today .
Yeah , it's going to be awesome .
Yeah , okay . So one question that came in recently is basically around the idea of how to deal with insecurities that rise up regarding somebody's ex .
So let's say , somebody's been in a long-term relationship before and then you find yourself feeling kind of insecure when your partner has had like an intimate , even emotionally intimate relationship with somebody in the past .
How do you know the difference even between your own insecurities and potentially like your partner's unhealed pain if they bring up their past with you ? So , yeah , that's kind of the genre of question . What do we want to say about that ?
Yeah , like tackle it , or you want me to . Yeah , go ahead , okay , yeah . So I think insecurity is so common , right , and we all deal with it . And even if it's not a marriage , you know like you're insecure because of somebody else was married before , but just dating .
I think we've all experienced being in a relationship where , man , I'm insecure because the question you're really asking yourself is am I enough and do I , how do I match up to whatever , whatever experience they've had before ? And I think this is part of where us as individuals really have to one , have our identity worked out and solid .
And so those questions inside of us , like when I started dating you , I mean , I wasn't the first relationship that you've had .
No .
I'm not the first relationship , you're not the first relationship that I've had , and so inside of myself , like I had to really settle that I am enough , and I remember feeling really insecure with you during certain times of our relationship , and that's where I would just dive back into okay , what is actually figuring out , what is bringing me insecurity was really
helpful , because I think people just sometimes just try to go back to God , which I think is great , but that may not be what's actually driving your insecurity . For instance , you may feel clueless on how to lead your relationship forward . You may feel insecure about how to set healthy boundaries or how to share your needs , and therefore you're feeling insecure .
And so it's like , well , even just going back and connecting with God and having him say you're enough doesn't give you the tools that you're actually needing to lead the relationship well or partner in the relationship well , and so I think a lot of people's insecurity is not just the identity piece , but it's also the practical piece of I don't really know how to
do this relationship . Therefore , I don't feel like I'm doing a good job or I'm confused and I feel really insecure in this . Yeah , I know that's a lot with like in blended families .
When you start dating somebody who has kids , a lot of the insecurity isn't necessarily around the relationship with you know the person you're dating , but a lot about am I going to be enough for the kids ? Do I know how to handle ?
This Are we doing this relationship right , and so the key to me is actually figuring out what the insecurity is and then doing whatever is necessary to solve that issue as much as possible .
Yeah , and maybe I'll speak to it from the angle of you know , I did date someone who had been married before and I get the question a lot like , especially for from people who are dating someone that's been divorced how do you not , how are you not or how were you not insecure because he had been married before ?
And it's interesting because I can honestly say that in our dating relationship there wasn't actually I didn't have a moment , and I'm not saying that , you know , I'm so good that I didn't feel insecure . I'm just saying interesting to me . I actually didn't have any time where I felt insecure or where I felt like I needed to compare myself to your first wife .
And when I look back on that and go , why is that so like ? What were the elements in the water that kept me from feeling really insecure about the fact that you had been married before and you had had sex with somebody else before and you had children with someone that wasn't me and you guys had shared , you know , a decade of life together before me .
What made me not feel insecure about that ? And I can say this even though Jason had been married before , I had actually dated more guys than he had . So there was something about it where I was like we both have a past . He's not the only one coming to this relationship with a past .
And I think that you hit the nail on the head , like when you know that you've both worked hard to solidify your identity in God , like what makes me valuable , what makes me important , what makes me lovable none of those things have to do with you . All of that has to do with what God says about me and the fact that he created me good .
And when we got into the relationship , you were able to , with your words and your actions , so excellently communicate your intentions toward me that I actually didn't wonder how you felt about me . And because I wasn't looking for you to validate my worth or my value , I was coming to the relationship kind of going like is this gonna work out ?
Is this the best thing for me ? I wasn't coming in going like I hope I'm good enough for you . I was coming in going well , god says that I should marry somebody amazing . God says that I should set my life up on a trajectory aimed towards awesome , like that's what my life should be about .
And so I was kind of coming in going does this match the level of awesome that I feel like I'm called to live at ? And because I was coming in with that question and you , too , were coming to the table going is this woman somebody that I could build amazing things with ? Is this somebody that I could build an amazing family with ?
We were coming at it looking at those things and those factors , and so there wasn't really ever a moment where I felt like I needed to compare myself to your past , because I was so convinced of us both moving forward and wanting like health and thriving for our own personal lives and then , of course , for us together . So I think you have to .
If you're starting to feel insecure , it's a good opportunity to just kind of like push pause on everything and evaluate what are my insecurities about ? What is the root of the insecurity ? Is my partner does it feel like my partner's in a place to meet me at present moving forward , or is he or she still kind of stuck in the back ?
in the past .
So , anyways , probably more to say about that . That's good enough for now .
Yeah , that's great .
Okay , cool , Okay . So second question is around the concept of prenup . So we've had a couple of people over time reach out and say , hey , kind of in the context of remarriage , I'm dating somebody . One or the other of the partners isn't wanting to move forward in marriage unless there's a prenup involved .
Obviously there's been either pain or fear or hurt in the past , or just wanting to , just a real desire even to move forward in wisdom , especially when there's kids involved . I think If there's a parent wanting to make sure that in the context of remarriage the kids are set up , that financially things are safe and stable .
Anyways , let's talk for a few minutes . Not that we have all the answers right , Like we haven't actually walked through that ourselves , but what do we think about prenups in general ?
Yeah , so that's such a great question . Marriage is such an all in business .
It is , you gotta be all in .
Yeah , you really do , and so I do think that there's a place , for I
¶ Marriage Challenges
was . Actually I was working with a friend of mine who was a professional athlete and so he'd previously made a bunch of money and then his wife had to left him and it was a really kind of nasty divorce and so he was getting remarried and he called me and asked me like hey , what do you think about a prenup ?
And just to , his thing was just to protect the kids from losing out on an inheritance if she were to do the same thing .
Yeah , Exactly yeah .
And my answer to him was there's a lot of ways to set up the kids to make sure that they're taken care of , so , for instance , like a trustor , you know , putting some assets in their name that they would get then at 21 or whatever .
But I think when you start signing pre-nups , things can get really funky in protecting yourself at the very beginning of a relationship in case the other person makes some dumb decisions .
Real mistakes is if you're my whole thing is like if you're not sure that the person that you're with is somebody that is gonna be reliable and somebody that you really wanna be with long term , then you need to spend more time dating and you need to spend more time looking and if you and asking good questions , yeah , asking good questions , yeah .
And if you wanna make sure that your kids are taken care of , in the sense that you know maybe you have a house , that or whatever I don't know assets , you can put some things in their name , whatever .
But my whole thing is don't don't like take marriage so seriously that you know it's gonna cost you everything Right , and you're willing to trust somebody enough that , yeah , that you're all in with them .
Yeah , I think when it comes to the concept of covenant , like we don't get to halfway do covenant just because someone didn't keep their covenant with us one time .
Yeah .
Like that's actually not what we're called to do , and so is it hard . 100% Would it feel really scary , absolutely . Is there something on the line for your kids Maybe ? Like what we do know about life is we can't control anybody , and sometimes things happen in life that we don't want or don't predict .
At the same time , you know , like Jason said , I think going into marriage with a contingency plan in case it doesn't work out , I think , rather than do that push , pause back up a couple steps , evaluate some things and get some wise counsel , that would be my best input , not having been through that myself .
I'm with you , babe .
Okay , let's see question number three . For a girl that's dating a guy that's working to get free from a porn addiction , I think the question is how long is long enough for a guy to have been quote free in order that they're safe to date ? Like , how do you know if somebody you know somebody hasn't looked at pornography for three months ? Is that enough time ?
How do you know if it's enough time ? You know when do you move forward in a relationship with a guy that's struggling like that If they've had a little stretch of breakthrough ? What is enough breakthrough ?
Hmm , so to me like you need a little , a tiny bit , more history on the frequency of use in , because I think , ultimately , what you're getting to is how is he , does he understand himself and does he understand why he was struggling ? what he was using the pornography for and how did he shore up that area of his life , right ?
So , because otherwise , like you , can gut stuff out for a while and not actually solve the problem . And the problem isn't that he was looking at porn although that is a problem Totally Morally and mentally , what it does to your brain , all that stuff . But the deeper issue is was he using that to medicate with ?
Why is he medicating with pornography , and does he understand when that's happening and how to break that cycle and how to meet that need in a healthy way ? And then , because to me , like what , I don't just want to watch him abstain , I want to watch him get back into a place that he would have gotten before and watch him make healthy decisions Right .
So , like all of us right , we get into these really tough , challenging places where I want to freak out and lose it . And then I made a really healthy choice and I'm proud of myself . I protected the environment and myself and I'm in a better spot .
Yeah , what is he feeding himself with instead of the porn ? How does he know that ? That is like what's the healthy diet ?
And I would say this is my two cents coming from , you know , the woman's perspective but I would say , having guardrails in place to keep you from making a mistake is not the same thing as feeding your soul with what it needs so that you don't need pornography . That's what I have to say about that .
Yeah , so I mean you know two months , three months , five months , six months .
Obviously if a guy hasn't looked at porn in a year , you're like great , I mean that's he's real confident , he's got a track record of yeah , but when you start to date like three months in .
The earlier it is , the more information I need . Yeah absolutely . The more I need to know that he knows . You know so what happened in how he's solved that problem .
Cool , okay , next question . The question is not really a question , it's more of a topic of interest and it's the topic of midlife crisis which actually it makes me giggle a little bit because we're both kind of at midlife you maybe further along than me , babe , but you know that concept of midlife crisis in marriage .
Like you get to a certain age , one or the other partner has a little bit of a moment where they're like who am I , what am I doing on the planet ? Is it enough ? And in the movies we see people go out and buy a sports car or question whether I want to be in this marriage anymore .
Or I've been working all these years in this job and it's leading to a dead end . I'm gonna quit and go sell cut-co-knives or whatever it is . I don't know . I'm just saying In the movies it looks like a lot of different things . But what is actually a midlife crisis ? Like what is at play ?
And then in marriage , if you find yourself in a season where you're really questioning everything , what are some tools to actually stay connected and move through the storm ?
Yeah , it's such a great question To me . I think and I wouldn't say I'm the expert on a midlife crisis or whatever we're the experts on it . But I have two thoughts that I think are important for it . One is I often see what looks like a midlife crisis happen in people who get really miserable with their day in and day out life .
And we don't have a lot of purpose . They've been disconnected for a long time . They typically get 10 , 12 , 14 years into marriage , and the thing that's been keeping them going for 10 , 12 , 14 years is the hope that somehow , some way , my marriage is gonna change right .
Something's gonna make me happy , and we thought it was gonna be this woman or this man that I'm married to . And the truth is like , well , no one's really gonna make you happy . You're gonna . You're going to do the work to make yourself feel fulfilled .
And I heard Brene Brown talk about midlife crisis and she was talking about it like this she says the armor that kept you safe when you're young because you don't have a lot of things to protect you when you're young , so we armor up .
And then she said when you get older , the armor that kept you safe begins to choke you out , right , because it creates all kinds of disconnection . And she was talking about like you have to take the armor off , because as you get older , if you don't take the armor off , you're not really connected .
And you don't have this deep sense of purpose and this deep sense of a family and life and going somewhere , and so then we end up just kind of losing it right . We end up blowing up our lives and making these really dumb decisions when we feel like we need a whole bunch of freedom . What we really need is a bunch of connection .
We need a bunch of purpose .
We need to know that . My life is standing and meaning for something , and so I also think people get 10 years into a career , 15 years , even 20 years into a career . You start at 19 or 20 and you end up at 40 and you go like , well , what the hell is my life about ? Like , what am I really doing ? And that's coming from a lack of like purpose .
I'm just grinding it out here on this earth , and so to solve those things I do , I think you need deep connection with people , you need a family that is growing closer , you need to- .
And a deep connection with God .
Yeah , and then feeling like you're living a purpose-filled life because otherwise you're gonna leave this thing that you've built for 12 years . That isn't making you happy and mostly isn't bringing fulfillment , because happiness and fulfillment are two different things . I buy a watch , I feel happy , but it doesn't last . Happiness doesn't last , but fulfillment is .
I built this life right , so I spent my 20s and 30s and 40s building a life that I'm really fulfilled in , that is bringing me tons of joy and purpose , and I just don't think a lot of people are doing that . I think a lot of people are robbing the long-term satisfaction for short-term gratification .
We're doing it with our health , we're doing it with our food , we're doing it in our relationships , and you do it for so long and eventually you wanna eject from this hell of a life that you've created , because I know I'm talking long , but actually- . The more I'm talking .
I was talking to a whole bunch of guys the other day and I said , the guy that can delay gratification for the longest , that's the guy that we're all gonna look at and go man , I wish I was him . And the guy that lives with vision right , if you can partner those two things , because it's the instant gratification that robs us from future fulfillment . It's .
I really want to be healthy but , gosh , I'm so hungry . Today I just get . Tomorrow I'll value my health . Tomorrow I'll be disciplined . It's . I want a really good marriage , but I'm just so pissed off right now . Tomorrow I'll work on that and we really don't .
And so I just think , like , with a lot of vision comes and a lot of purpose , comes the ability to set and create good , healthy habits .
And if you're able to delay gratification because you learn , you know , you spend time reading atomic habits or watching , you know , listening to the books and practicing , and get a friend group and do it with your spouse , and eventually you're building a life that has a lot of value , a lot of purpose . It's got depth into it , but it's .
It takes a lot to do that . So to me , midlife crisis , people are wanting to eject out of their life .
Yeah , absolutely , and I think the lie probably that creeps in is that I haven't built something that I love yet and it's almost too late . And so I'm gonna eject to start over , and I think that's what I'd like to say is that it's never too late . Actually , doesn't matter how old you are .
Today , you and your spouse could start building something that you really , really love and are proud of , and that's gonna take a lot of work and intentionality and you're probably gonna need some help along the way , but it's possible . We've seen people do it , you know . Okay , next question .
So this question , a version of this question , has come to us many times , but to set this stage , the scenario would be two people are dating , one person already has children from a previous marriage and there's a lot of question around how do I bridge the gap to start including the person I'm dating in my life with my kids ?
Because what happens is well , definitely appropriately , when people first start dating and there's children involved . This is our story too . Probably the healthy thing to do is to get to know each other a little bit in the context of friendship to find out am I even interested in this person ?
Because if I'm not , you don't need to introduce the kids to your boyfriend or girlfriend . If you're actually not really sure you want to even date them , that's hard on the kids , like back and forth Of course . Maybe give your relationship a little bit of time before you start spending a lot of time with the kids . We would say that's wisdom .
But then there does come a point in time where if you know for certain that you're interested in each other , that you really do like each other , enjoy each other , you want to continue to see where this relationship goes , then you have to figure out with wisdom how to start bridging that gap .
What happens if you leave it too long , like if you keep kicking that can down the road of I'm just not ready yet for the kids to get to know him or her , I'm just not ready yet to tell the kids that I'm in a serious relationship .
What happens is the person without children starts to feel really disconnected and unsure , insecure , unsure about where they are going to future fit into that dynamic . And then what's obviously happening on the other end is the parent is filled with fear , often about how do I do this right ? How do I protect my kids in it ?
How do I make sure that they know they're my priority ? How do I help the kids feel safe ? So there's a lot of fear and anxiety on both sides if you kick that can down the road too far .
So if we're going to speak to that a little bit , I might just start and say , as a woman who dated and then married a man that had children , I didn't need Jason to know at the beginning of our relationship what to do exactly . I was okay with .
I knew like he's figuring this out for the first time too and his children were ultimately his 100% priority until the day that we got married , and so I had a lot of grace for him to prioritize that and to figure that out while we were dating early on I would say by the time we got to like two months into dating I was looking for him to live
authentically before his kids , and if he was doing anything that he didn't , he wasn't okay with his kids . Knowing about I wasn't okay with it . Like , if they really are your 100% priority , then can you live authentically before them and do you have the kind of connection relationship with your kids , whether they are five years old or 15 years old .
That is the current climate of this man's life . This is what I'm thinking like . This is the current climate of this man's life . He has three kids . I need him to be really confident in that current climate of his life .
¶ Considerations for Dating Someone With Kids
If I'm going to join into that dynamic , and so you know , it would definitely depend on the nature of the relationship .
But I would be willing to say that if , by a couple months in , the person that has children has no idea how to fold their dating partner into that dynamic in a healthy , helpful , confidence building way , I would probably say we're going to need to push pause on this relationship .
Um , potentially I'd be interested again , you know , down the road , if I'm still single and you figure this piece out , great circle back .
But I wouldn't spend a ton of time in a long term relationship with somebody that doesn't know how to fold you in , because that's the reality of their dynamic , because we can't play pretend and um , and I just yeah , I wouldn't . I wouldn't do that for very long .
It just creates too much anxiety and ultimately , ultimately , here's the truth it's not fair to the kids .
Yeah , yeah . There's questions that you can only answer um with with being and hanging around the kids , and so if you delay that for so long , you know , then all you have is anxiety and mistrust and why isn't he ? Why ? Why have I not been introduced ? And so , yeah , I think I do . I was thinking like what , how many months would I think ?
The two , two , three months ? Um , you should , you should know the kids and be introduced to them . There's really cool , easy ways to do it . So that's it's way less .
Low stakes .
Yeah , Low stakes and , but you got to do that , Otherwise you just grow apart and you shouldn't be dating if if you're not at a place where you feel confident that I can introduce someone in my kids and you know it's going to go fairly well and they'll have a chance , Whether they really like me or whether they don't . That was my big fear .
Like you're going to meet the kids and you're going to watch how they're rambunctious and crazy and how much work they take and be like no , I'm good .
Yeah , but which is a real possibility ?
But that's , that's just part of uh what we have to do .
So yeah , okay .
Yeah , one , one more quick question , yeah .
Last question . So let's say you have one child and you've just had another one enter the scene and you're trying to help your older child probably like toddler age , let's say except the new baby a little bit more , and that's been a bit of a challenge . Any tips or tricks up your sleeve in that department ?
Yeah , and I'm not the expert fully on this , but I've had some kids .
You only done it five times .
So I do think prepping the child before the baby comes is big and pulling them in . You know , if they're three , three or four like let's decorate the baby's room together and let's get a gift for the baby together and let's do some fun things .
But also I do think part of why kids don't like the other kids is because things are changing and they're jealous , and so you have to make sure that you're also planning for the three year old when you're planning for the baby .
And so it's a matter of making sure that they're getting enough connection and that they feel close , and I think you can even prep them with um . I remember we have a book that that kind of preps , the prepped ED a little bit for the baby to come .
Mom's going to have to feed the baby and do all these things , um , but um , helping the baby to feel included in that . Can you bring me a diaper and can ? You bring me the burp cloth and come hold baby too . I think , that that's a large part of it that helps .
Yeah , I agree , if babies already come and you're realizing that the toddler is really having a struggle , I think a couple of things come to mind .
Number one it's a season and change is harder for some personalities than others , and so , you know , humans are wired for connection and when kids grow up in a loving home where the parents do a good job of communicating to their kids I love you very much and I'm always here , this is our family those kids are gonna learn and adapt and grow .
It just might take a little bit longer for some than others . I think there's ways that you can prioritize . Connection like one-on-one time with the older child is gonna be so huge , creating something for that child to look forward to that they know that they have something that they don't share with the baby that they get with mom or dad or both .
I think that's really huge . And then , you know , actually just validating that child's feelings like gosh , sharing is hard , yeah , sharing mommy's time is so hard . I think that's frustrating too . Sometimes I don't like sharing daddy's time or , you know , helping validate where that child is . I think ultimately they'll grow past it if you're patient .
But I do think kids need to feel like you can be with them in their sadness and in their happiness and just remembering like if you're creating that loving , connected home and family , your children are gonna love each other someday . That's true . Okay , well , that's it for today . You guys , we're so glad that you've joined us .
Hopefully these questions and answers have been helpful . One last thing I wanna do . This is so cool . We get messages from people from all over the world that you know have , you know , appreciation for the podcast , or questions or whatnot . I had this really cool guy named Alex reach out and tell me that he and his wife have created a Zoom group .
They listen to our podcast every week and then every other week they get together in a Zoom group and kind of talk it out , and I just thought way to go . So Alex and your wife I don't know her name we just shout you out today and say hello . Thank you for being faithful listeners and I love your- .
Was it like four couples get together ?
Yeah , four couples get together and kind of talk through the topic and my goodness that's really cool . I just made my day yesterday when I saw it . So , hi guys .
Well , hopefully you guys liked this week's episode , as always . If you would do us a favor and go share the episode with friends , like and comment , subscribe to . If you have not subscribed to the podcast , that helps . We do have a marriage intensive . That is happening January .
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