¶ Navigating Long Distance Relationships
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Alright , babe , we're back .
And we sure are welcome back to dates , mates and babies with the Valentines . We're going to have a little chat today about long distance relationships . We've had a few people write in over the last year or so and ask questions about long distance dating and we just thought , hey , why not do an episode about that ? So here we are , long distance dating .
I'm glad I haven't had to do that . It's really tough . It can be really tough .
Yeah , I mean , the only long distance really that we did was when we were dating . You went on a mission trip to like that's not long distance dating . I'm saying you were gone for what ? Eight days or something .
Oh my , okay , not the same .
Not the same at all .
But distance does make the heart grow fonder . That's what we learned .
Yeah , while we've been married , we've done some distance , a little bit of distance .
Trips are not long distance dating babe .
It's just , I'm just saying .
It's just that Jay's wired to be up close and personal , so any length of time apart is called long distance when you're in a different city , for , you know , extended period of time . Okay , that's not what we're talking about here today , ladies and gentlemen . We're not talking about how to take trips and save your marriage in the midst of travel .
But that is a good topic Today . Instead , however , we are talking about long distance relationships where you actually don't live in the same city .
Yeah , which would be tough .
Yeah , so tough , but I was just .
I was we were just talking about how we have a good friend who is engaged to be married , who dated her now fiance long distance for quite some time and they are planning their wedding and it's so exciting and I feel like they did a really good job of kind of overcoming some of the challenges that you would encounter inside of a long distance relationship .
So , before we kind of dive into that , I think it would just be good to note that just kind of the way that the world is right now I mean just globalization and I don't know the world just feels like a smaller place .
These days , you can get almost anywhere anytime you need to , and so , of course , long distance relationships are going to be really common in that space .
Maybe not as common as traditional , you know , dating relationships , but they happen , especially because of how prevalent online dating is , which we'll probably do an entire episode on online dating at some point , because it is an entire topic .
But within the context of all of that , a lot of couples are having to figure out long distance dating , so it'll be really great .
Probably what we'll do is , after this episode , we'll invite people to write in their questions specifically about long distance dating , and then maybe we can do a Q and A like a follow up Q and A , and maybe we can even have our friend join us for that chat . He's just engaged now , anyways .
So I think you know , initially , just kind of setting the stage , there would be a lot of how to questions .
If I'm in that space of being single and considering a long distance relationship or an online dating relationship or a dating relationship with somebody that you met online , figuring out initially how to navigate a new relationship when you're not together , I would say and I'd like to know what you think about this babe .
But I would like to say the initial stages of a long distance dating relationship super doable , right , like there's a lot of ground you can actually cover in a long distance relationship at the beginning . I think the challenges become greater over time , yeah , but what are ? Yeah , what do you think ?
Yeah , I think it depends on the person and because a lot of people have been in relationships before and so with , I think , coming , if you're coming into a relationship and you've been hurt in the past or you have a lot of insecurity or fear about whether or not the individual is going to do a good job and pursue , and I think that sometimes it can be
harder initially . It can be hard initially because you don't have that same felt , that same shared felt experience .
And my initial reaction to online dating is or even long distance , is that feel scary , sure , because how do you even know who this person really is Right , you know if they're like , if they're real and what their network , friend network , is and like , if you can't see him in person .
So I think the yeah , like talking on the phone , like the shallow stuff I think , is fairly easy , but it does really pose this greater challenge of when you're with somebody in person . You feel like you can read them way better because you can .
And so I think the big challenge at first would be how do I know that this person is really who that they say they are ?
Absolutely .
And so I think it . I think initially it's until you like , really feel like you get to know them . I could see a lot of people feeling standoffish and it go , it actually going slower than a . I think people should go slower , but I think , it would be a little bit slower to build depth in relationship because I don't really know you .
Right . So forget online dating , because I again I feel like that's like a whole nother category .
Yeah , I keep going online because online feels like long distance too .
Well , it is potentially , but potentially not . So . A lot of online dating actually happens where you say I'm in this city and who else is in this city , and then we meet up for a drink or , you know , dinner or whatever . So that's actually very , not long distance necessarily , but long distance relationships specifically .
Let's just say , let's just throw out a scenario . Let's say you go to a wedding and you meet somebody there and , classic , you meet on the dance floor and you discover , wow , we like each other . This is interesting , I wonder what this person is like .
And then you leave the wedding and you're texting all weekend and you discover , well , even though he lives in Chicago and I live in San Francisco , we really hit it off and I wonder what it would be like to kind of continue getting to know this guy .
So you try getting to know him and you know enough to know you've got mutual friends and you had a great time at the wedding , you both like to dance . Those are all huge pluses . Where do you go from there ? How do you actually , being in a separate city , start to build some sort of connection or get to know each other well enough to find out ?
Is this actually interesting to me or not ?
Yeah , I love that scenario . It's time , right ? So it's like so much time and I'd love to hear your thoughts too . But so much time in intentional calling , like right away . You have to be more intentional with going , especially with long distance going .
Hey , when in your calendar during the day does it work for us to actually communicate , because you're not going to just randomly run into each other ? Right , but I think you need enough time because there's less connection .
You need enough time to build momentum through , you know , zooming in FaceTime and texting and talking about what things are important to you , right .
And what ?
things like you have to go go deep enough because you don't have the physical connection , so you don't have that drive in the relationship .
Right .
So you need something to drive the relationship and it has to be depth .
Eventually , you have to get to the place where , wow , our goals and visions line up , wow , um are , I'm really actually am interested in what you do , and wow , you're , you are really interested in me and you're intentional , like you have to get there somehow and add depth to the relationship .
Yeah , because you don't have the physical things where you're going out and doing fun stuff . So that's gone .
Yeah . So you have to build depth inside of the communication in the relationship at first , yeah , yeah , I think long distance dating you'd still have the same goals that you would have in another date and a you know , more traditional dating relationship or in person .
Because , ultimately , in a dating relationship , you're trying to , you're , you're on a journey of building trust with each other . So , you know , the foundation of a healthy relationship would be trust .
And so , when you're dating someone , you're , you're doing and not doing certain things based on your goal , which is to build trust with this other person , build a connection with them that is full of trust .
And so , as I'm thinking about building trust with someone who you're not going to see on a regular basis but you're just going to talk to , I think there probably are some cool advantages that you would discover at the beginning of the relationship .
Like I said , I think that probably challenges creep in as as you keep building because naturally , there's things that you can only do in person . But I think at the beginning of a long distance relationship it's kind of cool because you get the opportunity .
I mean , you're not going to date somebody long distance if they do not have the capacity to be very intentional and to carve out time and to have good , meaningful conversation .
You're actually just not going to do that at all , whereas if you live in the same city as somebody and there's some sort of like chemical reaction between the two of you , or you find yourself really attracted to each other or you have a good time in your group of friends , you could be friends with somebody all day long and even go on a couple of fun dates
before realizing , wow , he's really bad at carrying conversation , or man , it seems like there's like some sort of weird block where he's not actually going there with me , or you know . So , I think , you know .
So I think in a long distance relationship you do have the advantage of kind of discovering right out the gate Does this person have the capacity to have a meaningful , not physical , connection , and yes or no ? kind of helps you pass go , and I think there's a lot of cool conversations you can have with somebody .
I'd also say like , because the goal is to build trust , you should still be asking yourself some of the same questions you would be asking yourself in person , which is like okay , even within the realm of deep and meaningful conversation , what's appropriate for the you know , just getting to know someone , as opposed to you know , down the line you're gonna , you're
gonna increase in the intimacy levels , even within your conversation . So maybe one of my cautions to people that are dating long distance would be gosh , isn't it so much easier to share vulnerably and openly with someone over a text message or even a phone call than it is in person ?
And I think we have to be careful because , my gosh , I'm thinking back to the days of like when I was in college , we had um AIM . Do you remember that ?
Oh yeah .
Yeah , aim . So AOL instant messenger and it was like you know , you're supposed to be studying but you're up late into the night messaging your crush on aim . And my word , the things that you say over AIM at one AM versus the kinds of things you would say if your brain was working . If you're like on an actual date with somebody , it's very different .
So I think that's probably the caution right Of long distance communication is like well , does our communication actually match the level of trust that we have with one another and commitment level we have with one another ? So you're going to have to go at a pace that is still appropriate , but more than appropriate Cause I think that can be more subjective .
Your , your goal is to build trust . Your goal is to see if you can build trust .
So I think , going gently let's say that you are building trust with that person and the relationship starts to take off a little bit . Because I really trust this person .
There's so much more to a relationship than just trusting someone , oh yeah , and so I guess , what do you think the best way to start to build some like I don't know , some camaraderie and fun , and like what are your thoughts on that ? Like what are your thoughts on that ?
Again like we haven't done this right .
I've never been in a long distance relationship , but I do think that figuring out how to Not just set aside time for talking I have one of my good friends has dated a couple people long distance and there's kind of this like make or break it point where you're like , well , we're not gonna date long distance if we can't actually hold a conversation .
So check that box once you once you've checked that box , how ? How do you go to the next level with somebody that's not in the same town as you ? And I do think that to some degree , you'd be figuring out like Can we actually have fun in a creative , connecting way even if we're not together ?
So it is gonna take some creativity and some intentionality , and I imagine that figuring out how to Communicate care to someone long distance , figuring out how to communicate interest and prioritization to someone who is not in your town , you're gonna have to think outside the box .
This , to me , is where you have to really put on your creative hat , yeah , and your creative muscles are gonna be massive .
¶ Long Distance Relationships
So , sharing , sharing dinners together , right ? So let's cook dinner together .
That's a good idea , yeah .
I even think sending sending gifts that you open together , or even sending a meal to one another . Yeah and where you're doing the same thing , there's lots of different ways to do it .
I've heard of couples who share a journal together and so Sending it back and forth , especially as you're building , you know building depth in the relationship and it's appropriate , where that has been like a big thing for them , right , because I get the journal and I get the read it and then I get to enter some stuff into it and send it back to you every
week , where it's just creating this moment .
You're just thinking about what that would cost and how come you would just do like a shared Google Doc ?
Yeah , Because there's something to writing a paper in the anticipation of getting it . Yeah , but yeah , I think . Also , it would be really helpful to get to know the friend group , because there's a lot of things that you could do Through friends like have have a friend go pick up flowers and drop it off .
Yeah , you know all those things that , again , you're trying to go . I'm intentional , I'm yeah , I am Purposeful , I am creative , I'm gonna be pursuing because if you don't , if you can't up the level of creativity in the relationship , it's not gonna last right . I do think too that there's just no getting around at some point being in person .
Oh , yeah , and so you need to spend a decent amount of time being in person Before you're ever gonna feel well , before you ever should feel like , wow , this person really is .
All the things that we love to do , all the things that we've done virtually , yeah , all the conversations that we've had like being with them in person because what long distance doesn't afford you is real-time triggers- right real-time challenges and troubles and how many , how much of our day , babe , is like real-time triggers and challenges .
Yep . So much right so at some point you got to be in person and spend enough time in person that you really know like they are , who they say that they are yeah , most like successful Long-distance relationships that I can think of , and by success I mean they are happily moving forward and growing in their levels of intimacy and connection and trust .
They're moving towards like , yeah , we're gonna . We're doing this because we actually feel like we could see ourselves getting married someday . Well , couples that are that I can think of who've moved well through long distance have actually created a Schedule of visits where they actually do go back and forth .
So I don't know how you would have a Long-distance relationship that is moving in a direction , unless you plan your time together , because you do need to get to know each other's community . That's a really big deal . The thing about long-distance relationships is it'd be very easy to just isolate the relationship to the two of you .
It's just one-on-one all the time because you're not gonna .
You know you're probably not doing like group FaceTime calls with all your friends or , but maybe you could yeah but you know , I just think one-on-one is good but you need to create space where you experience each other inside of your community and Get to know each other's cities and you know share , figure out if you actually can share Hobbies or interests .
What do you do for fun together ? How do you , you know , how does your significant other refresh and recreate ? You got to kind of experience those things about one another . And then of course , I think , like you're alluding to there's , you might get into it some long distance .
You might get your feelings hurt that that you know they're five minutes late to the phone call every time or something like you know things like that . Obviously things come up , but there's a lot of really necessary rub that takes place when you're in person . So you know you're driving next to that person in the car .
You're experiencing them , experience the traffic . What is this person like when we're in the middle of bad traffic ? That's actually super helpful information . You know what does it look like , what does it feel like to be with this person when he's triggered or when his buttons are pushed or , um , when he got bad news or what ?
Yeah , yeah , the real time dynamics of life . When those play out and you're together , I think you can make much better decisions about what kind of partners you are , and then you know .
Ultimately , I I would think that you would need to be on some sort of predictable schedule so that you have times that you know you can expect to see one another and build and grow . Um , I have a um . There's a a person that wrote in uh not that long ago that she asked a specific question .
Basically , she had been in a long distance relationship for quite some time and it was kind of at the point of like , okay , what are we going to do next ? Like , how do you actually , when you're dating long distance , where do you draw the line ? Like , how do you know ? Enough is enough of being a part ?
We either need to break up if we're not actually willing to figure out how to blend our lives together , or we need to get engaged and get married and get the show on the road . So I think that's a great question , because there is only so much you can do If your goal is marriage .
There's only so much you can do while you're apart from each other , and I don't know what would you say about that . Like , how do you know when to oh my gosh do ? Am I dating this person seriously enough that I should actually leave this life that I've built in Minneapolis and move all the way to , you know , mobile Alabama ? Like how do I know ?
If I do that , that's like quite a quite a change , yeah .
I think that that's where you should essentially be moving into further and further sacrifice in order to answer that question , which is going to be and so your vacation time is going to be spent in that person's city , yeah , and experiencing one another to the point where you can start to see yourself either in that city or they could see themselves in your city
and you're deciding like this is worth risking everything for this is worth the . You know , it's worth all my vacation days to do that , and this is the only thing that really matters , because the truth is like , if you can't get to that point , then you know it's probably a good sign that .
Yeah .
They're not somebody that's worth it to you , right , and it's going back to what are you looking for in a relationship and in a future partner . Because if you're dating someone long distance and you can't see yourself in their city at some point and they can't see themselves in your city , then you've pretty much got a stalemate .
You know , right , somebody's got to have the ability , the flexibility , to go . Yeah , I could leave this place , I could leave my family . I could , I could do all this . Like you were the one in our relationship that said , meh , I cannot go back home and I would be okay , right when I was , like , that's not even an option for me .
Moving to your , your city wasn't an option , no , and so I really do think that this is where it it starts to cost you something more .
¶ The Challenges of Long Distance Dating
I had a guy in brave coat . He had been dating a girl for quite a while and they were running , running up against the same thing . So , for they had been dating like six months and hadn't seen each other yet .
Ooh , and they were 12 hours away , wow , and I kept telling them like , hey , dude , you're only 12 hours away and I know , that 12 hours can be a long ways , but it's . It's not that long . You know , to date for six months and never be in the same city as the girl I'm like you either .
Have to decide that she's worth the sacrifice in the financial costs , in the vacation days and go see her . Or there's your answer . Yes , she's not , she's just a convenience to you and you're just a comfort to her , like there has to be more . And so totally that's where , to me , you are .
When you , when you know that I'm willing to spend my time , money , effort , energy , vacation days , on being with you together in the city , like because we've built such a strong bond , that to me is like that's when you start to know okay , we've got something here . Now where are we going to live and how are we going to make this work ?
Yeah absolutely , I think so .
Do you have any more thoughts on that ?
Well , I think , ultimately , you know , dating is a risk just in general .
You know you're risking putting your heart out there and getting attached and feeling like you're going to be in a relationship . You're risking putting your heart out there and getting attached and feeling connected and you're risking what would feel like rejection if the other person decides it's a no .
So I think that if dating in general is a risk to any you know to some degree , no matter what then long distance dating , when you get to that spot of realizing , okay , we either need to be in the same place or call it quits obviously that's going to be an enormous risk to take , and I think that this is where having people in your life are going to
become really important , like it's really important that when you're making these incredibly huge life decisions , that you're not doing it in a box with you and yourself and your significant other . Ideally , you would have already built a connection with this person that includes them in .
When they come to visit , they're folded into your community , they're spending time with your friends , they're getting to know your life .
The people that know and love you the most are speaking into that relationship as they're getting to know your significant other and I do think Jason mentioned you mentioned this at the beginning but I do think this is where allow yourself to take more time , because if you're going to find yourself in a situation where you have to take that big of a risk or
make that big of a jump , like moving to another city . You want to have taken your time . You don't wanna make that decision to just up and leave the life that you've built . You don't want to be rash in making those kinds of decisions and you wanna feel safe as you're making them .
I think one of the ways that we create safety around ourselves in risky situations is by empowering a community of people that you've poured into to be able to speak into your life . I think those are the kinds of things that help us make great big decisions , and so that would probably be a huge emphasis for me .
That's a high value for us is that we don't make huge decisions on our own . We involve depending on the kind of decision we're making . We involve different ones who are in our life , so I think that's a huge safeguard .
Yeah , I agree .
And I would be willing to say this is the truth . I actually wouldn't be interested in dating somebody seriously long distance unless I knew that they had a solid community in their city . I don't even think I'd be very interested in somebody If I didn't know for certain that they knew how to do friendship well .
Yeah , and that there again , like you're gonna have to risk some time , effort and energy into you know getting to know someone good enough to tell how good is their friend group .
For sure .
When we were dating , your best friends didn't live in our city .
Yeah right .
And so it took me being intentional enough to reach out and get on the phone with them and spend time with them , talking to them and talking about the kids and asking questions . I remember being on the phone with Margaret and Summer quite frequently just to build that relationship with him , yeah , which was so meaningful for them .
They loved that about you .
Yeah Well , and for me it was like I was really wanting to build trust with you and wanting to build trust with him .
Right .
And I figured , if I didn't like them , if they weren't great people and great friends , then you know , that says something about you as well , Totally totally . So yeah , I just think honestly , dating long distance can be a really great way to see how intentional somebody is .
Absolutely .
But the success rate is definitely gonna be lower because the challenges are so much higher . Totally so , if you're a person who's just fly by the sea of your pants , has a hard time keeping a schedule , has a hard time being on time and being intentional it's probably gonna just be a death sentence .
It's not the gig for you .
No , it's not . But if you're someone who has a lot of time and you're able to be really intentional and creative and I think also you know a little bit more secure in who you are and your ability to overcome challenges , it's a great option because you open up yourself to a whole bunch more possibilities than just your , your little town or city can provide .
So potentially could potentially be a good deal .
Yep , yep , all right . Well , folks , that wraps up our chat about long distance dating . It'll be interesting to hear what some of your questions are .
If you're in that spot specifically and if you've run into , you know either issues and struggles , or if you've found some really great tools to crack the codes of long distance dating , it'll be fun to hear from you guys after this week's episode .
Yeah , it's true . Hey , we have our marriage intensive . Our signups are happening now , and so if you are interested , if you're married and you're interested in taking your marriage to the next level , learning some tools , tactics and also partnering together with other couples and growing your marriage , this intensive is for you . It's six weeks long .
We start the second Tuesday in January , 6.30 pm to 8.30 Pacific Standard Time , and honestly , it's gonna be really cool . We have a bunch of couples already signed up , yep , and to me , one of the best parts is literally is just the camaraderie that happens between the couples and then Lauren and I being able to partner up with you guys and lead you .
So if you're interested in that , you can go to Jason and LaurenValentinecom and check out the registration page . There there's a bunch of info and you can sign up for that . Otherwise , have an incredible week . If you love our podcast , please share it . Please like it , subscribe to it . If you haven't subscribed , leave a comment for us too .
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