42. Understanding and Applying The Five Love Languages for Deep Connections

The book's pretty old it's older than that but I just remember about a decade ago it was a kind of a hot topic and then I haven't heard about it quite as much , maybe recently , probably because there's so many other you know books for help out there . But it's a great tool .

also know how to receive love . I think one of the challenges that people have is they don't really understand what feels good to them , what they really like and how they're given , receive love . And if you don't really understand that , then you just give love to the people around you as you want to receive love .

But really , if I really focus in on what would he really like , what's important to him , and get him .

But if I really want to make the the biggest impact and say I really love you to Elijah , to my dad , it's that gift that is really meaningful .

We actually haven't done an episode yet on like body , soul , spirit needs , but there's , I think we did . No , we have not .

And by need we mean you can go back and listen to the episode that we did on uh , we did it an episode on boundaries and needs , not specifically to the body , soul , spirit needs .

So for the purposes of this conversation , I think the point would be um , when it comes to relationship , we all have needs inside of a relationship , because without needs it's impossible to feel loved . I actually feel loved when I have a need that Jason comes in and meets . That's , you know , at the base level .

That is love , that's a you know , it's an exchange .

And so , when you're looking for how to actually build strong , meaningful , lasting connection in relationship with one another , we have to become a student of how each other work and operate so that we can actively come in and deliver the message which this is a , danny silk you want to be able to deliver the message I love you very much in the language that

your partner can best receive it . And it's our job actually as individuals to help the people around us know our love languages . So we have to become really self aware . We have to know our own needs .

We have to know ourselves well enough to say to my spouse hey , actually , whether you know , maybe it's your dad , he , it would be cool for him to be able to recognize that gifts are very meaningful to him and that being thought of when you're not together is something that makes him feel super cared for and loved .

It's not necessarily your partner's job to mine out and figure you out and crack your code . We actually need to be able to become really self aware and understand our own set of needs well enough to identify what is my love language .

Obviously , people who are in that mindset are coming out of a wound right . It's coming out of this wound of not feeling loved and not feeling seen and not feeling cared for .

But that's a big misconception and a big trap inside of relationships and marriage , because there's no way that I can love you the way that you want to be loved if , unless you help me understand that , right . Because you're so unique as an individual and I will continually miss the mark .

Like if you wanna set your partner up for failure , get them to try to guess what you need .

If you get Chapman's book , there's actually a quiz inside that you can go through . That helps you kind of self-identify . What is your strongest love language ? And we would say that generally people are on some sort of spectrum with all of these right Like we're gonna go through them .

There are words of affirmation , acts of service , receiving gifts , quality time and physical touch . So probably you have more than one , maybe you love all of them , but typically people are strongest , like score strongest in one of these five categories .

So everyone like , because people look at these and they go like well , I love who doesn't love words of affirmation or who doesn't love to get a gift or who doesn't like quality time ? We all do , but you're gonna find that you have two really primary ones , one stronger than the other , typically that really say man , this is it right .

Touch for me , touch is like the biggest one for me . I love . I love to be touched in a way that feels caring and loving , and that's also the one that I like to give the most .

As you would know , babe , I have no problem like rubbing your back for a really long time or all those things and so , but we have two and it's really helpful to begin to identify what your two are , which when we read through these and we can kind of go through and define them a little bit better , so that people understand .

I have very different needs with my girlfriends than I have with my spouse or my kids or in my workplace , and so I actually like to kind of compartmentalize a little bit when I'm thinking about these love languages , because it's actually a really helpful tool in understanding what you need in all kinds of relationship .

Like you were talking about your dad or our son or , like I said , my girlfriends , I need to be able to give and receive love to my friends .

I've just discovered my needs with my girlfriends are so different than my needs with my spouse that my love languages show stronger , that different love languages show stronger in the context of different sorts of relationships . So I think you need to keep that in mind too , like if you were to get Dr Chapman's book and take the quiz .

Take the quiz with a relationship in mind , either a friendship or a dating relationship , or your spouse or your kids , whatever , yeah . So okay , let's go through them a little bit more in depth each . So let's start with words of affirmation .

And so if you have a words affirmation person in your life , not just I think that the challenge is not just saying something generic you're really cool , you know , or whatever . I think they're gonna really key in on what's unique to them , what specifically made you feel special or cared for , or what do you see in them specifically .

And that's the challenge , because I think that it's easy to say , hey , great job , great job speaking tonight .

But if I said to you , if you just preached in your words affirmation person and I was sitting in the stands listening to you , if I actually said , hey , this is what I loved about what you said , and this is how it impacted me and then I said that was really amazing , something that's genuine right , that's gonna go so incredibly far with them .

So I think people hit the mark when they are very specific and they use detail in expressing words to a words affirmation person . People miss the mark when they use really generic language and they don't actually go into specifics about the person and or what they do .

So if you're in any sort of relationship with somebody who hears I love you very much through verbal compliments or kind words or words of encouragement , verbal expressions of love , if you're in a relationship with somebody like that , then you can know .

You know a trick of the trade would be to come at a conflict or a confrontation with a verbal value message before and during and after you actually have to have that hard conversation or that critique , because obviously none of us , even if we're words of affirmation people , we can't avoid criticism or conflict . That's important and inputs important for growth .

But you can love someone like that well by adding lots of verbal value messages inside of those harder conversations , because words are huge for them . You would also find I'm thinking of one friend in particular to actually one of them . When I wanted to know that I'm thinking about her , I write her out a handwritten card because I know she loves it .

She gives love that way and she receives love that way . It's going to mean more to her than a text message . So I'm going to write her a card . I have another friend who's very words of affirmation and because of that sarcasm is hard for her . She doesn't actually do sarcasm very well , because she can't get past the words .

If you're in a relationship with somebody like that , you could kind of be a bit judgmental about that and say , oh my gosh , they just can't take a joke . Well , okay , maybe .

Or you could actually try protecting your relationship with that person by changing the way you speak , recognizing that , oh , words are just so important to them that they have a really hard time getting past a sarcastic comment , even if it's meant to be funny .

Let's talk about acts of service .

And so yeah , you can be just finding that thing that really matters to you , that I get done in the house or partnering with you on a project can be huge , yeah , yeah , even allowing you to give me a list of things that would really mean something to you or take a load off you would be huge .

Yeah , one of the things that I learned as a parent .

Well , I'll say this I think that acts of service became a primary love language for me after I got married and after I had children , and that makes a ton of sense , right , I think , moms , I feel like acts of service is like the blanket statement , universal mom love language , and I think some of us roll our eyes because we're like , well , yeah , who doesn't

want help around the house ? There's a lot of blank to do around here today . So it kind of feels like it's a very seasonal love language , but it makes a ton of sense because that's a season of life where you are carrying an incredible amount of practical responsibility , so perhaps to have someone come and offer to lighten the load is huge .

One of the things I noticed we used to teach our pre-marriage class at our church and I discovered this about myself when we were teaching that class . It was probably I don't know seven or eight years ago . We had teenagers in the house and I was constantly at war with one of our kids about cleaning their room .

And what I discovered as an acts of service love language person is that when someone refused to do the thing , the practical thing that I really wanted them to do , I would take it very personally .

And I remember wondering in that season of life with teenagers in the house like wow , I must be speaking a different language than this person , because when I ask for this to be done , it is just like what am I speaking Chinese to them ? They literally have no idea what I'm saying and then refuse to do it .

And I remember thinking like why is this affecting me so much ? It was really affecting our connection . It was really affecting my ability to honestly even share space with this kid of ours . It was a really straining time . Now I understand that that's a common experience amongst parents of teenagers , right Like the battle of please clean your room .

But I think , as an acts of service , love language person , what was helpful for me to realize is oh , I'm taking it really personally , because to me , the refusal of practical help is actually like telling me I don't love you , and what I needed to realize is that's not the message that my kid was trying to deliver .

It's my responsibility to filter and to understand . Okay , I'm an acts of love , acts of service , love language person . This matters to me a ton . It's important that I don't receive a message of devalue that my kid is not intentionally sending me . I can't actually take it that personally . That's my responsibility as the parent .

I remember when I was really learning and growing in this area , you would go out to hang out with your girlfriends , right , and you'd come back late at night and I would have not done the dishes really and not cleaned up , but just be like watching my computer .

I had gotten the kids to bed and just like , went and watched the computer and you know whatever left all the chores for me , yeah . And you'd come home and you'd be like , oh my gosh , I can't . How am I supposed to like enjoy my died out when I know I'm going to come back and there's just going to be all this stuff to do ?

And I'd be like , oh yeah , I finally realized like , okay , how I say I love you , I care for you , I want you to have . The best night is when you come home . I did the job like you would want it done .

And then it was really funny because I took the test and gifts I scored really high in gifts . So , um , you know , thoughtful gift giving , thoughtful presence , even tiny ones , um , are super meaningful to people with this love language .

And where it showed up , where it shows up the most for me is , I'll say this , like , if you want to win with a gifts love language person , use opportunities like anniversaries , birthdays , holidays to actually I mean honestly like a little box of chocolate for Valentine goes a really long ways .

Um , remembering dates and meaningful occasions , using those as opportunities to uh , think about what this person really loves and have something ready for them . You know , I remember being a kid and when my dad would go away on trips he would come back with like a little thing from the airport .

Or once I remember he works in the medical field and he did a medical missions trip to Mongolia and he came home with like all of these Mongolian , um , like articles of clothing and cool artifacts and things , and it's .

It wasn't anything that I was actually going to wear in my everyday life , but I just remember thinking it was so cool that while he was in Mongolia , he was thinking of us , and that's the thing , is that when we're apart , you're thinking of me and you're planning something for me for when we're together .

example . So we had been married for a few years . I know that it was either our second or third Christmas together , because we were in this one house that I can remember living in and our kids were young , and in my family , christmas was our favorite holiday . For sure . My mom was a very holiday oriented person , we'll put it this way .

She had decorations for St Patrick's Day .

So I have taken on that burden and I am now the stocking shopper and I wrap and Jason helps me and it's all good . But year three in our marriage I think it was Christmas morning with the kids . We were all downstairs by the fireplace and we had handed out the stockings and we always let the kids go first .

So the kids opened their stockings and then I gave Jason his and he opened his and then he gave me mine and mine was like feather light . I remember him giving it to me and it just it weighed nothing and I was like , oh interesting .

And the excuse and I'll say excuse because you weren't trying to like ruin my day , but the excuse or the reasoning behind it was I was about to go on a trip and he thought it would be fun for me to have spending money on the trip , which is , on one hand , like maybe a good idea , but for the gifts person , if I would have done other good gifts and

then that it would have been cool . Yeah , but it was kind of like two bad things in one , because not only did I not get anything meaningful in my stocking , it was like I was given permission to spend my own money on the trip that I had coming .

It was just like it totally missed the mark for me and I think I cried Well , I don't know if you cried , but it was not a hit I cried inside . It was not a hit . That is a sure way to send the message . I do not know how to love you very much to a person with a gift's love language .

I don't like random gifts that I don't actually like . That's thing I don't actually appreciate . Like a random gift that he doesn't know if I'm going to like it or not . That doesn't mean as much to me as if he were to get me something that he knows I'm going to love .

You know about it . It's the thought . It is the thought that counts .

And when he came to see me later that day he handed me this itty bitty tiny bouquet and he was like the kids and I picked these for you on our walk earlier and it was so precious and so meaningful . It literally was like weeds and he had gotten them on a walk with his kids .

So it cost yeah beautiful miniature flowers , but my point is it's not like he'd gone to the florist and spent $150 . He gathered up a teeny , tiny bouquet of flowers on a walk . That's really meaningful .

So , a quality of time person yeah , I always say like I'm quality of time , but I think mine are changing as mine are changing as we as I get older and stuff , and we'll talk about that a little bit . But quality of time , if you really want to ruin a quality time person , be distracted when you're around them , be on your phone .

It's the man , they're sharing their heart and you're really with them on that journey . It's the planning something fun to do with them . That it's just you and them . It's your little adventure and you're with them . I think I really want to make a point of this .

I think men really blow this one because we often think in terms of quantity , like if I spend a lot of time with her so I see this in guys a lot they're just like I took half the day off and we hung out together and we did all these , all kinds of stuff , and she's still not happy . The problem is it's not quantity of time , it's quality of time .

So what she really wanted , men , was to hear your emotions . She wanted to emotionally connect . She wanted to feel you connected during that time together , not just that you were there , and that's a big thing for a quality of time .

A quality time person is that we feel that togetherness and so I think a lot of guys get really frustrated with I'm spending all this time with my family . I'm sacrificing not being at work .

I'm with my family , but it's like if you're distracted , if you're not present or if you're not emotionally connected , when you're with a quality of time person , it just doesn't quite itch that scratch . Or scratch that itch sorry , it doesn't quite scratch that itch . It's like for a gifts person getting them something that they don't really like at all .

It's like , well , thanks so much for thinking about me , but I'm allergic to peanuts and you brought me- .

It can be overwhelming sometimes to think like , oh my gosh , I can't be with you every waking moment , but that's the thing . It doesn't have to be .

I rarely do that with you . I rarely need this undivided attention where I'm just pouring it out . You very regularly , almost every day , need me to stop what I'm doing , pay attention and just be with you for 15 to 20 minutes .

A little bit of this , I think , is actually gender differences more than it's love language , because the thing about somebody with a quality time love language it is um , like , for example , I actually don't need to spend a ton of time with someone in order to feel pretty connected to them .

I have a couple of friends that I see on a weekly basis for an hour here or there and as long as we're actually connecting between , I feel pretty connected to them . Somebody with a quality time love language is typically going to need that consistent , undivided attention pretty frequently if you're going to feel super close .

So for that kind of person , if you've got a friend who doesn't have a ton of time in their schedule , you're probably not going to become so close to them . You're probably going to need to find somebody who has more capacity . If you're a quality time love language person , you just need to know I actually need time in order to feel connected .

Then you know a long distance relationship is probably going to be pretty tricky for you , those kinds of things . So I think the in-depth emotional connection is a need that I have , yes , but I would actually say that that's more because of my feminine brain and the way that I'm wired . I think women can relate to that a lot .

Just the need for undivided emotional connection .

Quality time people I'm thinking about a couple of our kids . It's like you would go a long way with them , to spend time with them doing the kinds of things that they like doing .

And to a physical touch person , you know the death is to not touch them , is to go long periods of time avoiding them , or when , when they do make a bid for connection , you know like just squeeze your hand for a second and let it go .

You know it's that nothing feels more rejecting than if I , if I ask for a hug and then I get like the pad on the back kind of hug , like the hug with the pad on the back .

I like to be physically close , yup , so touch . People typically also are going to feel pretty loved with a PDA .

Yeah but then I have stopped him twice that I can really remember and go like , hey , actually feel really uncared for when you do that . It makes me feel angry .

When you hit me in the back that hard and if we're just wrestling or whatever , that's fine , but gosh dang man , when I walk in and you just whap , hit me on the back , I just want to punch him in the face .

So it's important that if you have a physical , you know like , if your husband , in my case , is a physical touch person , I need to make sure that I'm not , you know , avoiding physical touch for fear that every physical touch must lead to a sexual encounter , like that's a real thing . That is a real thing . So that's one misconception .

Anything else you want to say on that ?

Um , I just my personality wise , I became a lot less extroverted after spending years as a pastor and I just discovered that my needs in relationship have changed . After spending a lot of time with a huge amount of people for a number of years , actually probably need less quality time than I used to . I like alone time . I'm a parent now .

I'm like is alone time on the list of love languages because it should be ?

But then when we got married , in all that pressure in expectation and weight , it's like wait , where did the physical touch go ?

Women change way more , I feel like , than men do , and you really have to like pay attention , because if I'm sending you a message that I love you the same way when we were dating as when we first got married to , after you have kids to , it's just so different and you miss , you really do miss the mark , and so it , and for me it can be really

disappointing because I come home and I'm like I want to give you a big hug and I want to love on you .

You've been meeting the demands of these kids that we had . You're changing . I'm not that changing that much . I'm almost the same person as far as my likes and desires is when we first got married .

But you are because you're being pulled on and demanded in a way that I'm not yeah , I , my brain , is trying to make some connections here and I don't want to .

this . But I'm thinking back again to the episode that we had . We had we interviewed Dr Margaret Nagib about gender differences and she talked a lot about brain science and the differences between men and women and I'm just kind of having this little revelation moment while you were just sharing .

I think that men probably over time change a lot less with their love languages because they have an ability . Men , biologically and chemically in their brain , have an ability to focus on one thing a lot better than women . Generally , women have a real ability to see the whole picture and to see more of the periphery .

They're generally taking in a lot more quantity of information about their environment and their community . Women are taking the temperature of the room a lot more frequently and men have this ability and it's a strength and a gift , but they can actually be pretty tunnel vision . And so I just imagine that that plays into it too .

Just that over time , according to different seasons and changes in family and changes in environment and all of the above , that women's needs , and therefore love languages , are going to ebb and flow a lot more than a man , who really does have this ability to stay pretty constant . So I think that there's probably some science behind it .

Yeah , but we're not scientists . No , we're not scientists . So like we're just kind of guessing on that , but no it's awesome .

And people get frustrated because you try and you know and you fail and you make the mark and whatever , and then they don't do this kind of stuff anymore . But these are the little things . That actually makes the difference in marriage is intentionality . So if you are an intentional person , if you're an intentional partner , chances are you have a good marriage .

People whose marriage is really struggled they struggle because they're not intentional enough and it takes so much consistency and effort and energy . And I just want to remind people like you're going to , you're going to get what you put into it , you're going to get out of it , and so you know marriage is .

Marriage is amazing because it's two completely different people . It's this awesome journey that we get to learn and grow important to . But you can't be , you can't be lax . It is cool about your relationship and expect it to be awesome . So these love languages are really important .

It's such a great tool and you know , just committing to really learning your partner and your kids makes such a massive difference in your life , and so hopefully this week really helped you . Babe , we've been talking about this the last couple of weeks , but would you talk to us about our marriage intensive that we have coming up ?

We're going to go into it a deep dive on some topics that we really feel like are going to what what this intensive does it's ? It's intended to bolster and infuse strength into a marriage connection .

So there are some foundational elements of a healthy marriage that we are going to talk at in at great length about , and it would be for married couples who've been married for a short time and just want to lay a really good foundation .

Also for married couples who have been married for any length of time and have discovered , oh my gosh , we've got some really bad habits in our marriage or wow , we are not meeting the mark on how to handle conflict resolution well . Or you could have been married for 20 years or two months , and this would be really helpful for you .

It's all on a zoom platform so you can be anywhere in the world and join us , but we are , through the end of October , running an early bird discount .

So if you want to investigate more about what is entailed in the intensive um and if you want to find out how to actually register for that , especially before the end of October , then go ahead and visit Jason and Lauren Valentinecom and you will see everything you need to know about the marriage intensive Um .

There's a way to contact us there If you have questions , but we would love to run alongside of you for those six weeks January , february and um help kind of infuse some strength into your marriage connections if you need it .

I mean , I've I've done counseling for 20 years . Uh , next year , or yeah , I think next year , they will be 20 years that I've been at Bethel and I've just done so much counseling . It's like , man , if people would have spent six weeks getting tools to set themselves up , you know how much more would that have paid off in their lives .

So anyways , guys , thank you so much for listening to the podcast podcast this week . If you love the podcast , please go on , leave us a comment , rate , review it and share it with your friends who need it . So otherwise we will see you next week . We love you , guys .