41. Q&A

We released an episode where we interviewed my parents and we let you guys in a little bit to oh Jay's cracking open a long cry .

Here we are back in the saddle , uh , trying to figure out how to move on in a world that feels really unfamiliar without her .

Um , from time to time , we like gathering up questions that come to us in email or through our DMs in social media and we'll kind of answer some of your questions for you listeners , and so we're going to do that . Today We've got four questions we're going to move through and , um , should I crack in , babe ? Should ?

we just read off the first one , just dive in Okay , um , we , I had a sweet woman right in and say that she is divorced . She's been divorced for a number of years now . She has kids . Um , she's thinking about moving back into the dating scene and there is a guy at church that she's interested in .

Um , they've said hi a few times , but sometimes they don't talk , and she's wondering if she should send a friend request . I feel , okay , I feel like there's like a dating . Um , what is it Like Laura , something ? Anyways , I feel like I'm literally on a radio talk show right now and the listeners are writing in with their . Anyways , what should I do ?

Questions this is fantastic , so okay . Um , the question is should she send a friend request on Instagram or should she just let the friendship happen more naturally ? I think it sounded like she thought that sending a DM on or a friend request with is a little bit forward . Should she be that forward or should she just let the friendship happen naturally ?

She's recognizing that she gets really nervous when they're in person and when she , when she's with her kids , she just kind of ignores them all together and doesn't say hi , so Okay , so , okay so , okay so , okay so , okay so , okay so , okay so , okay so .

And it doesn't have to be this like euphoric connection , but just a connection . So I would say , rather than just send a friend request , which is fine , she can send that , starting the conversation at least once a week while they're at church together , like , hey , how are you doing , how was your week ?

And if she just starts a small conversation , then it doesn't have the pressure to do like this big thing , then she can build a relationship with him .

And it's not like she has to lead the dance the entire time . But he probably doesn't even know that she exists Totally . If she doesn't know that she exists , then she's not an option . Yeah , which means that she'll wait forever for this relationship to blossom organically , because it won't .

I also think that , um , social media has created a bit of an interesting layer inside of our relational world where it's kind of like social media is a part of everybody's life to such a degree that I think sometimes there can be an overemphasis on what your quote , digital life looks like and what your digital relationships look like .

And I think that , for the purposes of getting to know someone and dating unless you're actually doing online dating , which is a totally different , I mean that's like an actual format for meeting people , connecting with them and discovering whether you're interested in one another Um , I just think using social media to facilitate relationships is just not the best place

to start because , although it's a part of all of our lives , it doesn't actually facilitate a whole lot of meaningful connection Initially . It just creates , sometimes , I think , more questions than answers , because you're trying to read between the lines Like all the time .

It's going to be better to have those in person conversations and I I like what you said as far as if she just begins by expressing interest in just having a connection , not a romantic connection , just any sort of connection . I think it's pretty common that I've heard it said .

I've heard men say that they often really appreciate when a woman expresses an interest to connect or just communicate , because they don't want to be too much either . Guys don't want to like we put all the pressure on the guy to be the initiator , or to you know , do that work ?

They don't want to be too much , and so sometimes I think they're looking for a little signal like is there any interest here or not ?

And so if this woman were to express some interest in person by striking up a really normal human conversation face to face , then it gives him the opportunity to kind of go ooh alert , this is someone that I could be interested in , or this is someone I would want to get to know more , or she's interesting , I'll ask more questions , or I'm going to find her

next week at church , or whatever it is .

It can be a confusing scenario at first because if I'm a single guy like when I was single , divorced with kids and I would see an attractive woman , I'm checking for a couple things .

Like you , I could go pursue her and she may have 16 when I was 16 .

So let me just let me rephrase If you're in the dating scene and you have kids , then it's your job to work yourself to a spot like work on your own internal world , until you get to a spot where you're confident in your story , you're confident in your family , you're confident that you could be in a dating relationship and it would be beneficial for your kids

and for the other person and for yourself . And so , if you have kids , it's your job to kind of you know , paint the picture like this this is awesome , this is going to be awesome for somebody .

This is not a complication , this is this is my life and this is my story , but it's beautiful and I'm going to be powerful in it and we're happening to life and and my kids are going to be a blessing to whoever it is that I'm in a relationship with .

So I would just say the person without kids is looking for the person with kids to be really confident in their situation .

Just building a relationship with guys and making you know , learning how to talk to them in person , not overthinking it , but also just having a game plan for when to do that , because that's what you have to be able to do is you have to be able to build a connection in person , and we know , because of social media , that social anxiety has gone up because

people lose the skill of communicating in person . So absolutely Great question .

I think they've walked through miscarriage themselves and the question is around how do you balance on the spiritual side of things like walking through this , this journey with God , through infertility and loss , how do you balance this command to be fruitful and multiply while also walking through miscarriage ?

Like how do you actually handle your heart in the midst of this loss and pain , knowing that , like we're designed to have families , we're designed to have kids , even if it's not panning out ? What do we do ?

What would you say , babe , what are some of the things that we did intentionally with our hearts and in our walks with God when we were walking through that really painful season ?

To me that's God's job and my job is just to be diligent and to steward what he's given me in my life and I think that being able to go to God and process because ultimately what happens when we process with God is it opens up that conversation where now he can talk back to me , he can give me his peace for my anxiety , he can give me comfort for my

pain , and I really do . I mean , when we were in the middle of it you had so many hard questions that you were really , really , really struggling with . And I remember I can't say a day I remember like a week when you had gotten a really cool hope from God .

You'd gotten a promise from God and to me , like that was some of the things that we began to hold on to was just those promises that God was giving you specifically . Yeah , cause I dealt with it differently . I didn't have this like hopeless maybe we won't ever have kids .

It was different for me , but I think for you , getting those small promises from God was really big . I don't know if you want to talk to that or not .

One was you know , we tried a long time before our miscarriage and I would say the time that we tried before our miscarriage was almost more painful and challenging than after our miscarriage . Because something happened to me in my heart during our miscarriage and that was okay . We did get pregnant and this baby we don't understand why .

We'll never know why until we're in heaven , but this baby didn't make it all the way , but something about that . I had more hope for having a baby after our miscarriage than I did before , probably because I knew , okay , I can get pregnant , hello , like that happened . But also I just felt this thing in my spirit .

That was like this is not the end of the story . It was kind of like a righteous anger about it . I was like this is not how that story ends . We will have a baby , because this is not the end of the story . The story just doesn't end with a baby dying inside of me and that's the end . Like that is not okay .

And I just had this thing inside me , where that I was like I don't know how we're going to have a baby or when we're going to have a baby , but I was just convinced that we would . And so I think , um , that was huge .

Just recognizing , like this fiery hope kind of rose up inside of me and I just went oh , you know , I this is not the end of the story , that's not how this one ends . Um , that was huge .

For me , the other thing was , you know , the other thing is , I think , just processing a lot with God , the reality that our hope has to be in him and not in the fulfillment of our promise , and I think that that is a spiritual principle , a biblical principle that , in our humanity , could take quite a while to like mine out to the bottom of that .

And what are the implications of that truth and how does that play out in my life ? In my life , is my hope in Jesus or is my hope in the promise being fulfilled ? And I think that is the trick . Is that we actually there are no guarantees .

Like , yes , he did command us to be fruitful and multiply , and we know that , as we're created in his image , even physiologically , our bodies , women's bodies , are designed to conceive , carry and deliver life into the earth . Like , obviously , this is the design , but we're really not in control of how that all happens .

And we might have a hundred promises on the list that we feel like are absolutely from God , and yet the timing of them and how they are fulfilled , and what does that process look like ? We have to hold really loosely and know that there's really , we're just not in control .

There's a lot about our humanity that is actually affected by the fact that we are not living in heaven yet . Things aren't perfect and tragedy does happen . Yeah , there's a lot of things that we have promises for that we're hoping for beyond .

They did have sex before marriage and she'd said she's confused because she discovered , or she's felt like um , their sex life before marriage was actually better than it has been in marriage . She also said her husband has had a struggle with pornography in the past and she's wondered how much that's played into their sex life in marriage .

But but definitely wondering you know what ? What do I do with the fact that I often initiate sex ? He often says no . That makes me feel rejected . It doesn't feel like we're thriving in our sex life in marriage and it's confusing .

It's not necessarily just oh , I'm just so horny , I want to have sex with you , like before marriage . A lot of what drives the sexual connection is I want to . I want to feel close to you because I don't want to lose you . I want to be , I want to get your commitment to me .

It's a lot of it is fear based and if you have sex with me , then that means that you're committed to me . You know , like it .

So I'm having this new experience that I've never had before with somebody , and the more times you have sex with somebody , the less novel it is . And so what makes it awesome in marriage is this deep connection that we've built right , this deep emotional connection . What makes it awesome before marriage is it's novel .

Like this , is it's brand new and it's exciting . And I've never explored this before .

And on top of that , I am lowering my anxiety and I'm feeling connected in a way that I've never felt connected before , and so , like we would say that our like kissing was so much fun , or kissing before , marriage than it was after marriage , and again it's that it's novelty and I know I'm taking a little bit to explain it , but I think it's important .

So , after you get married , which sex before marriage is also really damaging .

We don't have a ton of time to talk about that because I'm on kind of a time limit today , but it's super damaging to the trust building and connection building in relationship because you start violating your conscience over and over and over again and then ultimately what happens is you don't trust one another very much and so after marriage it's really common for

one or the other partner to have a higher or lower libido . And so it's way more common for a man to have the higher libido , but almost always if the guy has a low one , the woman has a high one . I don't know what that is .

like slow you down After marriage . I'm having to like okay , I've got to connect with her emotionally , I have to make sure that she's in a good spot , I got to make sure that the kitchen's clean and set time aside , and then it becomes this like really cool , passionate place to be . But before we were married we didn't have to have all that prep .

No it's different , yeah , and so for her , I would say that they need to start having conversations around healthy conversations around their sex life and in what works for him well and what really moves the needle for him . She's got to learn that and he's got to communicate that so they can build a healthy sex life together

.

And I would just say you know , that's a road , that is a road to travel , that is a journey and it a thousand percent affects his drive for you inside of marriage and that can be really sad and painful . It's also really hopeful because there's a way out and there is a lot of ground to gain . But I wouldn't start , I wouldn't assess .

You know , I wouldn't expect that that problem would be solved right away . That is going to be a process .

So , instead of just clicking one time actually , when I was a kid , it was looking at a magazine we get you going , but a magazine's static , it doesn't , you know , there's no moving pictures . And then when you switch to watching videos , well , going back to a magazine doesn't really work anymore right . Because it's not novel .

There are chemical , physical bonding agents that happen when you have sex with someone , when you're , when you have sex before marriage , it still works that way . It's a bonding , it's a bonding agent , but you're bonding to fill a need outside of marriage that's different than the need that you have inside of marriage .

So , like Jason mentioned before marriage , the bond is to fulfill this probably subconscious need for commitment and attachment and connection inside of a covenant marriage . You have signed the commitment , you have made the covenant with one another , and so you don't , subconsciously again , you don't , you don't ? Um ?

Sex is not the only thing that you get inside of marriage . That equals commitment and covenant inside of marriage , though it's supposed to , sex is supposed to come from a place of intimacy and connection , is meant to be an exploration of one another . It is still meant to be a bonding agent , but it's not . Sex in marriage is not for the purpose of .

It's not the same as somebody who's watching pornography Somebody that's watching pornography is engaging in that behavior to get the dopamine hit Inside of marriage in a healthy marriage connection . It's meant to be an exploration . Yes , you get the dopamine hit . Yes , it's healthy . It is healthy for your mental , physical and emotional . It is .

It is healthy for all of those things . But the goals and the purposes are so different .

And so again , I think the answer her question like yes , the years of pornography makes his brain really numb to you and so that's got to heal . And as he abstains and as he , his brain is a neuroplastic , so it eventually will heal all the way and as you guys learn what healthy connection feels like , that will grow .

But you have to also realize , and I hope that he realizes , that it's not going to seem exciting at first , which really sucks . Yeah it's the same thing with video game addicts is normal connection with human beings in person no longer seems fun .

It's giving me a hit to dopamine all day , and so you know what has to happen . Well , you have to get , you have to earn your dopamine . You have to get all the free dopamine . Now . This is for everyone in your life .

You got to get the free dopamine , the dopamine that is , you know , sugar and video games and scrolling on Instagram , like get that out of your life so that your brain can heal . And you are now hungry for real connection . You're hungry for for real life .

You're hungry for what God designed us for , and so , in marriage , the more he abstains from that , the more his brain will heal and the more normal interaction , normal sexual relationships , will feel exciting again , and you'll see his libido rise to whatever it normally , naturally , would have been .

So if you're looking to thrive in ways that you don't currently thrive inside of your marriage , for whatever host of reasons . We are going to take you through , like bolstering every area of your marriage connection .

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Love you all .