¶ Green Flags in Dating and Relationships
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Every human was created for fulfilling relational connection .
But that's not always what comes easiest .
We know this because of our wide range of personal experience , as well as our years of working with people .
So we're going to crack open topics like dating , marriage , family and parenting to encourage , entertain and equip you for a deeply fulfilling life of relational health .
Alright , babe , we're back .
Yes , welcome back guys to Dates , mates and Babies with the Valentines . This is episode 40 , which is crazy because that means we are 12 episodes away from having done this for a whole year . Wow , isn't that awesome .
Yeah , that's awesome , what a fun year , episode 40 .
Guys , this is a kind of like a part two to last week's . We're going to be giving you 20 dating green flags if that's a thing to look for . We talked about red flags last week and what are you know ?
A list of 20 things that you would kind of want to pay attention to if you saw them come up in your relationship and you're and you're like I don't know about this . These are these . Last week's episode was about the things that you should really take a look at that might actually cause you to push , pause or stop on a dating relationship .
Well , today , on the other end of the spectrum , we're going to be giving you 20 things to look for , 20 things that would be like a hey , that's awesome . This is going really well .
Yeah , well , I think the green flags are . They're exciting , right , and it is helpful to look and go . Oh yeah , this person really does have this quality that this makes me want to move forward . Number one they're good at friendship .
Yes .
Not everyone's good at friendship , but when you are with somebody and they are good at being a friend , they're good at showing up , paying attention , being kind , like just being a good friend to me , like you're going to do friends for the rest of your life .
Right , exactly .
And when you find someone who's good at being a friend , I mean , you know , ladies , maybe he's not the best looking guy , but he's the best friend you've ever had .
Oh my gosh Stop . I don't know . Well , a good friend is well , let's say this there are things that are more important than good looks . Yeah , they're great .
Yeah , they do .
Okay , I agree , being a good friend is so important . Okay , number two , that they take an interest in your interests .
Like fishing .
Yeah , I get excited for you about the fish you catch .
No , you don't .
Oh my gosh , that's not true . I do , too , sometimes Listen . It's important that the things that you find interesting , your partner actually expresses interest in .
It's true .
There's a long pause right here because Jason's thinking of all the things he likes to do that I could give a rip about , anyways .
No , okay . So I think when somebody takes interest in you , they're saying that you're important , yeah , and what you like really matters .
And it is important to have shared interests , for sure , but that's not necessarily what this is saying . We're saying . Do they value what you value ? Are they , you know ? Is your uniqueness interesting to them ? That's important .
Yeah , it's massive . All right , Number three that they're a good listener and communicator which gosh , there's whole books written about this one . But if somebody's a really good listener , then they make you feel known and seen and heard and understood .
And if they're a good communicator they make you feel safe and I think those two things right there , like you can't look past . If you have somebody that you're dating that's a good listener and a good communicator , you can overcome so many obstacles and that's a relationship that you know like .
Okay , put a little bit more effort and energy into that , because you're headed in the right direction . You've got someone that's a good listener , a good communicator .
For sure , all right .
Number four this person knows how to be vulnerable , yes , and vulnerability is a big deal , because now , obviously at appropriate levels , if you're in a brand new dating relationship , you're not looking for somebody to bear all and tell you everything about their life and all the intimate details , but you're looking for somebody that is actually willing to share their
heart and share their life and talk about the good things , the hard things , the ups , the downs . Somebody that's , um , ultimately , somebody that knows how to share their own story in a way that you know they , they are the , the winner and the overcomer in their own story that they're willing to share about their life . That's really important , yeah .
I think these will also help married couples who listen to this think through , like what area am I really good at and what area have I not done really good at ? Definitely Um so anyways , uh knows how to have fun , so gosh , I just think bringing fun into the relationship is . Fun is where we recharge .
Fun is where we bond a lot too , and being able to bring fun into the relationship just makes everything so much better . So that's that's a big green flag to me is like I really enjoy being around this person .
Yeah , I'll give you one too , and we talked about this last time , but these are green flags for relationship , not just dating , relationship or marriage , but for relationship . Um , I have a friend , well , Colzik . He's been on the podcast , he's .
Every time I think about Cole , I smile he's so fun and it's just someone that I want to have in my life all the time because of the energy that he always brings to the relationship , absolutely . It's amazing and I do think in that category would also be like they don't take themselves or life too seriously .
Um , you don't want to be in a long-term relationship with somebody who is just sunk by every you know hard thing that comes around when people don't take themselves too seriously . Take themselves too seriously , it really does give permission , too , to be yourself around that person . And it goes well with number six , which is that they're non-judgmental .
Now , you're allowed to have your preferences . Obviously , if you're not compatible with someone , don't be in a relationship with them . But compatibility is different than like being judgmental , so or critical , like we don't want to be in intimate relationships with people that we can't be ourselves around and that we feel like are criticizing our every move .
That's not going to be a good time .
Yeah . So , being with somebody who I think that when I hear non-judgmental , I think they're able to give feedback in a way that makes you feel cared for .
Definitely .
That's important .
Yeah , and that you have permission to be yourself around them .
Yeah , yeah . So number seven is there's supportive of your personal growth without feeling threatened by it . And this is a big one because it says when , when you're with somebody who is really thinking through , like how do I support you in every way ? And that's , that's in you becoming physically , emotionally , mentally , spiritually and mentally stronger .
That's a big deal because I think a lot of . There's a lot of relationships that I've seen in the past , especially doing counseling , where when one person starts to excel , the other person gets jealous and they have this fear that they're going to be left behind and that becomes you know , it becomes a contentious relationship .
So this one where they're supporting what , where I'm growing , they're asking me questions about it , they're pouring into it .
That's a big one . I think too along those lines . You want to be with somebody who can celebrate your wins .
Yeah , that's massive .
All right , uh , number eight not comparing you to others .
That might seem like no brainer , but I think when you're in a relationship with somebody who is comparing you to other people maybe you're the girl in the relationship and you're in a relationship with a guy and he's always comparing you to other women , I mean that's not gonna feel good and honestly I don't know one girl that would be like sign me up for that
relationship . But actually it's true that people do put up with this comparison thing inside of relationships and ultimately all it does is lead to just a lot of distrust in what that other person actually thinks of you and how they are able to care for you . If you can't be your individual self in this relationship , then you're ultimately it's not gonna last .
Well , I think a lot of people struggle with idealism , and you don't necessarily have to be compared to someone else , but to this unrealistic idea of who you should be or what you should be , and for that's what happens when people become addicted to pornography for a long like .
If you have an addiction to pornography , well , you have an unrealistic expectation now of what sex is going to be and what it really is , and it's easy to get into a relationship and be compared to all these unrealistic ideas , and so you wanna be in a relationship where somebody loves you and who you are and what you are .
The green flag there is just feeling a ton of freedom to be yourself in the relationship .
¶ Green Flags in a Healthy Relationship
Yeah Right .
Yep Knows how to navigate good and hard times , which here's what this says to me . You have to go through a bit of hard times to me before you know like the person I'm with is solid .
If you're in a dating relationship and you haven't done some hard time together , well , you probably need to date longer before you make a lifelong commitment to them , because the confidence that comes through navigating good and hard times is vital .
Yeah , let me say I have a really good friend who they're now married now . They're now married now they are married and they have a two-year-old son and a baby on the way , and so their marriage is really thriving .
But when they were first dating first dating her mom died within the first few weeks of their dating relationship and that's an enormous trauma to somebody's life .
And it's crazy because the though they went through something so muddy at the very beginning of their relationship , it taught them quickly that they were able to navigate the worst of times in a really great way that enabled them to stay connected and move through something really tough , and so they have some money in the bank account of their marriage that not a
lot of people have at the very beginning . It's incredible what the confidence the confidence of knowing that your partner can do something hard really well is incredible .
Yeah , it's true , all right , number 10 , we're halfway through this list . Yeah , self-confident Mm-hmm , somebody who has confidence to me just makes the relationship so much better in a bunch of different areas , right , because if you're self-confident , it's not just that it's fun to be around you , you're also probably .
You're also probably competent , so you're gonna be a good partner because you're competent in a whole bunch of different things , right Communication skills and working hard and it's problem solving . So a self-confident person is often a competent person , and having a competent person as your partner that's who you wanna be in a relationship with .
You wanna be in a relationship with somebody who's competent .
Yep , absolutely All right . Number 11 , this person has healthy boundaries . Yeah Golly , what a wonderful experience to be in a relationship with someone that has good boundaries .
And we're not just talking , you know , physical boundaries , necessarily , although that would be really important but somebody that actually has good relational boundaries in their life , is someone who knows their needs , who has a good understanding of what they need and how to get it in a healthy way , and who's responsible for that .
And this is my lane and that's your lane , and gosh , it's so freeing to be in a relationship with someone that has healthy boundaries .
Yeah , and I think to take it to the next level , somebody who knows how to set healthy boundaries . Because when you start thinking about navigating through the different places in life , like I know a lot of people that have good boundaries but they don't actually know how to set good boundaries and it kind of seems like a contradiction , but it's not .
They get into tough places with their in-laws , they have a hard time saying no . They themselves have good boundaries , you know they're not blown past other people's boundaries and sure , but they don't know how to set good boundaries . And so to me this would be the next level is like they , they can disappoint somebody .
They can clearly communicate in a way that makes somebody feel cared for but is also firm . And I was just thinking the other day I have 12 guys that I'm discipling right now .
They're , all you know , business owners and CEO type men , and I would say most of those guys have great boundaries but very few of them know how to set really good boundaries and uphold those . And so that would be , that would be a big one , number 12 , they're hardworking .
It's interesting that we have to say this one , but I think , especially in our day and age , there's not a lot of really hardworking people as I'm looking at , I really rather it's true . You know , come a comparative to when our parents were kids . People worked hard . It was part of the culture , right ? We worked physically hard .
You watch your parents work hard because you had to do that in order to survive . Well , I do think that that's and I'm on a soapbox a little bit here but I do think that that's becoming a bigger and bigger issue . Is people actually really being willing to work hard for something , which working hard to me says you know how to delay gratification .
Yeah you know how to persevere . You know how to do something you know how to sacrifice , yeah long suffering . Right , that's a fruit of the spirit is I've got somebody who's willing to grind away until they find a breakthrough , that's massive . If you have somebody who's hardworking , that's a green flag , absolutely .
All right , number 13 , and we could bump this one all the way up to the very top if we were doing this in order of importance but , number 13 is that they have a relationship with God . You know that's a green flag .
If you have , if you're in a relationship with somebody who has a dynamic , active relationship with God , then you have somebody who is compatible with you on that level . And conversely , you know , if you're in a relationship with somebody that doesn't have a relationship with God and that is your foundation for life you're going to have trouble .
Yeah , 14 solid and compatible core values . The more your value system lines up , the greater ease and success you'll have in the relationship . And so you know this is back to , I think in a relationship we're often trying to find ourselves . We're trying to find oh , you like this , you like fishing , I like fishing , like hunting , I like hunting .
A dating relationship it's a bit different , because I'm probably not , you know , you're probably not gonna find a girl that loves the same hobbies always as you .
But those core values , those things lining up , those things being pointed in the same direction , just makes a powerful , dynamic couple , because you're pushing your effort , your energy in the same direction you're not pulling against yourself .
Yeah , especially in the areas of you know your faith your family values . Your , you know what do you feel . How do you feel about raising kids ? What does purpose mean for you , like ? What does it mean to live a purposeful life ? What are you actually protecting ?
Yeah , what are you gonna sacrifice for what ?
are you gonna sacrifice for those kinds of things that if they line up awesome green flag , all right . Number 15 would be that you're in a relationship with somebody that's humble and admits their mistakes .
That's a big deal . That's why you're with me , huh , babe .
Yeah , Jay is actually really , really humble .
I was being . I wasn't being humble right there .
That's true . Well , humility is a really big deal , you know . Ultimately , we wanna be in relationships with people that know how to take ownership over their lives and aren't afraid to admit their shortcomings . It's not fun to be in a relationship with somebody who thinks that they're perfect or who has a hard time admitting their own flaws .
Ultimately , marriage is a life of service to one another , and so humble people make good servants . And gosh , I wanna be married to somebody who knows how to be humble , because I know that I'm going to need their help . I'm gonna need them to be in a serving relationship with me , and vice versa .
Yeah , number 16 , emotionally mature man . If you're with somebody who can really manage themselves well , right , they can go through a tough time . They can have someone criticize them . I was reading the Bible today and it was talking about .
I was reading in Matthew and it's talking about like , bless those who curse you , right , and it was going on and talking about do a great job at managing yourself , at doing the opposite of what you want to do , and making sure that you are , yeah , that you're living life with character and with maturity and nobility .
And when you have somebody , when you're in a relationship with somebody who's emotionally mature , they rule their emotions . Their emotions don't rule them . Their emotions are good indicators , but they're not using them as the dictator of their life and , man , it just brings so much peace to your life .
When you have somebody who is managing their emotions well and is emotionally mature , it's a big deal , it's a really big deal .
Yep , absolutely All right , number 17 , they can disagree respectfully and have healthy conflict .
You need that a lot .
You're not going to find someone in this life that agrees with you 100% of the time . That is impossible unless they're being very inauthentic .
So to be in an authentic relationship with somebody means you're gonna have disagreement and when somebody knows how to do that in a really respectful way that keeps , maintains room for you to be you and them to be them , and you don't have to agree on everything and it doesn't ruin your connection and that's a green flag .
Yeah , I think again , if you're a married couple listening to this , maybe go through and highlight the ones that you know you need to grow in , and that's a I was just thinking about when we came to that one yeah , 18 , makes an effort to know you , your friends and your family .
This is big because I think having someone who is willing to really dive in and become a friend to your friends , right when two people come together , you're blending two different worlds , and I'm thinking of a relationship right now where the person that our friend married they don't want to really even know our friend group , they don't .
Golly .
It's tough man and it's like why are they marrying somebody who doesn't want to be a part of this friend group ? This community , yeah , the community . And your community is where your strength lies , it's where your history is , it's where so much stuff is , and so you know , don't skip past that red flag .
And if they have , if you have somebody who really gels with your family and really gels with your friends , like that's a big deal , that's gonna help you .
Absolutely All right . Number 19 takes initiative in pursuing their relationship .
Yeah , I think this is big .
This is a really big one . So in a dating relationship , probably one of you instigated it at the very beginning , right ? Somebody initiated , somebody expressed interest , or maybe you guys both felt that from each other there was kind of this mutual chemistry , this interest in one another .
Well , as the dating relationship progresses , you're both going to need to feel like you're both initiating the pursuit . So I know , in our , our dating relationship , jason was the one that initiated with me . He asked me out on a first date .
He communicated his intentions , I accepted and , to be honest with you , I was so unsure about the whole thing at first that I really let him do all the work because I actually didn't know if I was that interested . And so he you know he initiated a lot of dates .
We did a lot of connect times that were , you know , his idea and I was a willing participant . And then at some point in the relationship I specifically remember him telling me hey , I'm enjoying getting to know you . If you're also enjoying this , at some point I'm going to need to feel the reciprocation of your interest in me .
And it was hilarious and I'm like , oh my gosh , I'm so sorry . I realized like I had been letting him do all the work , and he wasn't . He thought that I was enjoying it , but truly he needed to feel that I was going to actually reciprocate my interest and pursue him as well , and that reciprocation is absolutely necessary .
So if you're in a relationship with somebody and you realize , sweet , they're taking initiative , they're pursuing , they're coming up with plans and ideas , I am a priority to them , that's a green flag .
Yeah , number 20 , big drum roll . Last but not least is takes responsibility for their own needs . So this is a good one . You know , if you have someone in the relationship that is able to communicate , be responsible , take ownership of their needs , that's massive . You know that . That breaks addiction cycles , that keeps people healthy .
It brings tons of security to the relationship . When I know , like Lawrence Lauren's going to take care of her needs in a healthy way , right , she's going to take ownership of what's going on in her life , and she knows for me too , like she's not worried , she's not , she doesn't worry when I leave home , like is he going to be okay ?
Right .
Are we going to end up in a mess ? That's not what's happening . So I have the ability to recognize , to manage , to take care of the things in my life that I need . Sometimes that's time with people , sometimes that's time with her , but I'm able to actually take care of those in a healthy way , and so that's big , that's a big green flag in a relationship .
You got someone who does just a great job communicating and taking care of their needs and managing themself Well , like again . you know , maybe they're three to three to five pounds overweight , but you're like I got guys even more , even better looking , oh boy .
Well , hey , listen , hopefully this was helpful . I'm going to put this list in the show notes so if you are out and about and listening to this and can't take notes , that you can just go and copy paste , the kind of like we did last week . So hopefully that's really helpful .
¶ Marriage Intensive Registration and Podcast Subscription
As always , we'd love if you would subscribe to our podcast . If these topics are interesting to you , you can share it with your friends , rate it , give us reviews . All of those things are really helpful .
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So if you are married and you would like to join us in January for our marriage intensive , registration is live at our website , jason and Lauren Valentinecom , there is an early bird discount that is available to you through the end of October , so take advantage of that .
If you think you want to spend six weeks with us , you and your spouse , we'd invite you to go to our website and check out more information about that . But we do really , really , really love pouring into married couples specifically and have some cool things to offer you in the new year , so take a look .
Awesome , All right y'all Well , thanks so much for being with us this week . We will see you next week .