So in this episode, I'm going to be talking about some very personal stuff. So April is a very tough month for me. It's the it's the month where my wife passed away and she passed away in 2020, right at the peak of the pandemic, right when it was starting to really kick off. It was, for one, you're going through a massive society change of the pandemic, which in itself was very mind blowing and perplexing, especially in hindsight. And then you have one of the worst crisis of your life.
You know, it ended up me having to take her off life support and watching her heart flatline. We have two kids and they were very young when it happened. This was a massive impact on me. April is a month where I find I'm very introspective I'm I'm, I'm quieter, I reflect a lot. This platform that I built up first starting off as Vancouver true crime and now the dark mind detective was heavily impacted by this massive life event in my life and it really affected my behavior.
Of course, this is me sharing my thoughts my and things that I did that, you know, I don't regret doing anything. Everything's a learning experience, but it definitely had a massive impact on the platform and with people. So first of all, before I go further, after this podcast, I went back to my regular programming, back to serial killers, social engineering, Robert Pickton, and all of the stuff that I have been researching, dark psychology, manipulation, and I'll be back to it.
I've done so much writing, I've so much in the pipeline and I have so many shows, so many podcasts that are coming and also done tons of Epstein research as well. So, yeah, I all last year for 2024, all I did was write, write and write. I didn't do a lot of podcasts, but I, I, I wrote a lot of stuff, spent a year writing. So back to this. I think the biggest thing that I grapple with and that affects me the most is the weight of guilt.
I want to break free of it because I feel like guilt is like what's holding me. Guilt is like a silent thief that creeps in the corners of your mind, stealing your joy without warning. It robs you of energy, erodes your confidence, and it creates an invisible barrier between you and forward progress, especially when the guilt was really never mind to carry in the 1st place. I feel guilty for surviving. There's a survival guilt that has had a big impact on me.
And I think a lot of people who experienced loss like I have feel this way. I think this is quite common. I've heard survivors of disasters when a lot of people died around them, but they survived, feel a sense again. And then struggling as a as a parent, despite pouring everything I have into raising my children. When my wife passed away, there was people around me that were very toxic. And then there's also wanting more out of life journal people. Oh, you should just be grateful
what you have. So this is for you. Because guilt is not merely an emotion that comes and goes. It's a carefully constructed trap. Today we're going to dismantle it piece by piece for people who feel stuck in guilt. Most guilt doesn't really stem from genuine wrongdoing. It's rooted in what was done to you or circumstances that are beyond your control, like survival guilt that whispers why am I here when they are not after a loss or trauma. The parent guilt. Yeah. Being a parent too.
There's a lot of stuff like, for example, my kids school, they both have great teachers, but you know, interacting with the school, they have a very good way of quietly always thinking you feel inadequate. Maybe it's just just, I don't know. They just always have a way, the way they talk to you. And I don't know, it's hard to explain, but I think most parents would understand what I'm talking about. Like, I don't enjoy interacting
with my kids school. Like I actually go out of my way to avoid it because it's like, yeah, there's always like, and then there's like these very hands on Karen type of parents that are all on the committees and they are, there's this big clique and when you come and drop your kid off, they all ignore you. And you're not in, you're not in the the cool parent club or something. I don't know, just it could just be in my head. But it's a strange, strange feeling.
But again, it's probably rooted in my guilt. And then there's a guilt of chasing success. Like I put like 10s of thousands of hours in a platform and then you, then you, you feel guilty about it. Like, Gee, God, like if I was, if, if I put the same energy learning how to build decks with my marketing skills and stuff like that, I'd probably be a millionaire, honestly, right. So then you're feeling this weird sense of guilt, like, am I putting my energy into the right thing?
Is this the best use of my energy? So there's, there's that, there's that. That definitely fucks with your head each and every day you get up, right? Like I have a big business back background. I'm good at marketing, I'm good at computers. I've got IT background. I've done corporate sales. So is true crime is is writing about complex tragic cases the best use of my time when it comes to monetary reward for my family?
You know, when I was worked in the corporate world, you know, I made good money my me not doing that. Should I feel guilty? That makes sense, right? Am I doing the best for my family? So there's the that will rack you with guilt, but then there's the liberating truth that people need guilt isn't yours to carry been methodically handed to me unpressed guilt by people who benefit from yourself doubt and systems that profit when you
question your own worth. And I guess what I mean by that is that when my wife passed away, there was a lot of the family on her side. You know, the, it's almost like they wanted me to fail this. So they, oh, it's like this weird passive aggress. And they've never been supportive of the podcast. They've never been supportive of my work. And, and they almost look at it with the stain. Why is he doing that? So you sense it, you feel it, right?
Like even when it sometimes when I talk to the some of the parents, when I go pick up my kids, I don't tell them what I do. No, I I just say, Oh, I do it. That's right. I just say I do iti told one dad and then he gave me like this 20 minute long lecture about how he doesn't believe in associating himself with bad stuff because it's this bad mojo or bad karma and essentially trying to make me feel like shit. Right. Thanks again. It's a weird sense of guilt
tripping. It's sort of saying that you're benefiting off somebody's misfortune is in a roundabout way, passive aggressive and slimy and undermining rights. Think I have conversations with that dude anymore? Of course not. But why do toxic people need you to feel guilty? Guilt is a primary currency of manipulation, right? So like I said in this podcast, and this is for me too, because I'm, I have to shed the, I do the things that I talk about. I don't just talk about them and
don't do them myself. So this is my process right now of trying to unburden this guilt feeling that has been massively holding me back. And I believe it's been holding the platform back as well. So guilt is a primary currency of manipulation. It's how those without authentic power maintain control over naturally strong people. I think I'm highly resilient. I think I've proven that. But because I'm very sympathetic, I'm also a person
has a lot of compassion. I do have a natural tendency to feel guilty. And that's probably my weak point. That's probably my kryptonite. So like, again, a family member who constantly criticizes my parenting decision but never wants to offer practical help or support. So that's the thing too, when you're a parent, I'm not trying to make you feel sorry for me or anything. I'm a tough person. I handle my problems. But I, I believe that a lot of
people feel this way. And This is why I'm sharing this. So you just been through a trauma, right? Your, your loved one passed away. You're, you're rocked with guilt or rocked with a whole bunch of emotions. And then you're around a lot of people, which I have that watch. Don't offer to help, don't offer, take my kids to the park, don't offer anything to give me a little bit of a break, right?
I had to pay out of that trauma. I had to pay people large amounts of money to watch more money that would make you sick if if I even told you how much I was paying people to watch my kids. Even other people. If I wanted to go to the store, I say, hey, I'll be 15 minutes. These are like family members. Can you watch my kids for 10 minutes? I go to the store. I'd have to give them 20 bucks and buy them something from the fucking store, right? Never once.
Oh, no, no, Mark, that's cool. That's cool. Nope, Nope. Take, take, take. So there's that. So there's the watchers that don't offer any help, but they criticize and they analyze everything you do, right. And they and they want you to fail, but they don't offer to help the so-called friend who subtly mocks your ambition, but secretly presents your courage to pursue what they've never dared to. So I get that a lot too, but in very subtle ways.
Oh, I can never talk about, you know, your own, like they'll say it in a way, but what they're saying is, is again, just like that Dad, right? You're part of the problem. Something bad happened to someone and then you're sharing it. So you're putting bad stuff out in the world, right? I could never do that, right? But then you go look at the stuff they're into. It's just mindless and numb officials. So how to shed guilt like a dead skin?
Whose voice is this test? The next time guilt floods your system, pause. Ask yourself, who originally taught me to feel this way about myself? If the answer is honest, a chronic critic who achieved nothing they're proud of a persistent voice from your past who no longer deserve the space in your present society. Arbitrary and often contradictory expectations. So just like a computer file, delete the file.
Like if it's like a some corrupted shitty file on your computer, corrupted file that corrupts your thinking and corrupts your progress in your mind, delete it. This is also called the permission slip exercise. Write down affirmations, some more visible, and recite them daily until they become your default operating system. I'm allowed to experience joy and fulfilment even after a profound loss. I'm allowed to prioritize my children's well-being over everyone's else's opinion about
my parenting. I'm allowed to pursue success while others choose to remain stuck in familiar patterns. And I truly believe, you know, on the darkest moments when someone feels very burdened, you know guilt could be the thing that pushes them over their edge, right? Maybe be something you did in the past. Or maybe you're something that you are doing, that you need to stop doing, and it's the guilt that eats away at you like acid. But your painful experience can transform into a powerful
purpose. Your survival story might become someone else's lifeline precisely when they need it the most. The right people who desperately need your perspective will find resonance in your story and those who react with judgement. They simply identify themselves as people who benefit by by your continued guilt. Let them self select out of your inner circle. Drop the guilt, Keep the fight. You're placed on this earth to carry psychological burdens that you are never yours to shoulder.
Guilt is a leash keeping you tethered to the past. Have the courage to chew through it. Our world desperately needs fewer people crushed beneath the weight of inherent shame, and more people like me still standing despite everything, still fighting when surrendering would be easier and completely done. Or apologizing for resilience. If you know someone drowning with undeserved guilt. A lot of times, and I'm going to be truly honest, when I suffered from depression in the past, at
the root of it was guilt. If you know someone drowning in undeserved guilt, reach out to them. They say a kind word. It might mean the difference in the world. Well, one of the other things I want to talk about too is that, you know, I've been carrying in an immense weight since the passing of my grinding building a platform. First, Vancouver, true crime, being a single parent to two autistic kids and one of the most expensive cities in the world.
And then on top of that, dealing with people who are not really supportive, don't get what I'm doing, have very transactional attitudes. The emotional toll and the feeling that that's unseen in my work has a burden. I I target some of the darkest cases last year while researching Robert Pickton, the some of the worst case study in human history. It doesn't get any worse than
Robert Pickton and his crimes. They are beyond despicable and really getting into the weeds, the forensic details, the, you know, piercing the metaphorical jigsaw puzzle together and really understanding the scopes and the depravity of these horrible crimes. And then watching our society turn into a dumpster fire. You know, worst political leaders across the board in every category, ineffective at preventing scandals after scandals after scandals, A media
that's completely asleep. So combining those two things that then facing life pressures, building a platform and then dealing with Karen's and rude people online, there's a lot of times where I'm saying, you know, fuck it, it's not fucking worth it. It's not fucking worth it. Getting into weird arguments with people why it's great that Canada's blocking news in Canada, You know what I mean? Like you can't reach these people. They're, they're, they're, they're like a cult inductee.
But I'm tougher than them. Like these people who who've been some of my worst pains in my asses, You know, they would fold under like the even pressure that was like 1% what I'm under. And maybe that's why, you know, they, they burden you and bother you because they feel that you can take it, which I still don't appreciate, right? But I'm going to keep fighting. I'm going to keep moving forward. And I'm more invigorated, more focused and more resilient. And I truly mean this.
And I'm not saying this to brag or boast where most people give up, where most people tap out and cry and oh, this is, this is enough. It's really where I just begin that this is where I just get my second wind and push forward. So and like I said, I don't expect most people to understand my work and why I've dedicated so much time, energy and effort because I, I believe it's important. I believe it's important to be a voice for the voiceless.
And then the other aspect of it too, I want to build something I can hand over to my kids if they want to join and continue my work. I want something like I'm building this for them, for their future, for their safety, you know, as a way to kind of firewall their ability to be safe in this crazy complex world that is very difficult to understand. Like I said, I keep that in mind
every hour. O on the other positive thing too, is one of the main reasons is I want to start sharing throughout my podcasts, like in my pipeline is lessons from the 48 laws of power. I also did a Lesson plan from the 33 strategies of war because these were books that I used a lot, especially when I was in the corporate world dealing with very tough people, people that are good at getting what they want through manipulation, through strength, through
coercion, through force, right? I've dealt with people like that. So you need a shield, you need a, you need a way to battle people like that. And you have to do it in a way where you're not frazzled because soon as they sense that you are frazzled, then they know they're getting under your skin. And like I said, there's some good fucking wolves out there. There really are. I met some really smooth operators and I met some people that are good at at pressure and good at trading.
The best way to say they're good at they have an ability to get what they want. They're good at the politics or good at the office politics. They've been around the block and they have a deep tool bags of tricks and they can smell
weakness from a mile away. Well, when I was doing social media and building the platform and advocating, I didn't think I would have to use these things and I stopped using it and, and I didn't, and I didn't want to come across like a person who was ready to use fucking brass knuckles metaphorically on people. And God damn did I pay the price for it. I truly did.
Because if I adhered to the principles that I've already knew and the tools that I I already had and used successfully while navigating this, the the treacherous nature of building a platform, a podcast, and interacting with thousands of people, the people that like my podcast are cool. Honestly, I've never had a person that was a fan of the podcast that gave me any fucking grief at all, Right?
So there's that. But the people who consume the social media that I do, and I'm doing less and less and less short form content that doesn't pertain to my work or social media. Because that was the door that brought in the shitty people. The people that just take something that you posted, something you shared a news story and they use that as the excuse. It would be a pain in your ass. Why are you platforming this person? Because it's a person that's
unpopular and they don't like. So therefore, if you share a news segment about a person, therefore in their mind you're bad because you're sharing news, that's that offends them. So I don't share news anymore because the other thing was, is that I have to sharpen my skills, including being as sharp as possible. I do a lot of writing, I do a lot of editing and I do a lot of speaking. When I'm tired, those things diminish.
And when I consume a lot of short form content like TikTok, it actually does a noticeably erode my short attention span. And I noticed that, you know, you're, you spend hours on TikTok to be of service to my audience. So I have to go through what, like 50-60 rage bait garbage, you know, lip syncing lazy content to find, oh breaking news. Oh, this is interesting. Oh that's cool, I'll share those three things.
So be being on TikTok for hours a day eroded my ability to be better at speaking, editing and writing Or what? So I can argue with Karens, it's they say in the business world, ROI, there's no return on investment. Sorry. And like some of the woke crazy ladies who inform me that they're getting their news from somewhere else because I posted some news about the trucker convoy and they have to announce their departure date, I'm not following you anymore. I'm getting my news from
somewhere else. So me coming a news feed in a country that blocks people from seeing news on social media, me thinking that would be a good service for people. There's no point of it. It doesn't help the podcast, It doesn't help me, so I'm not doing it anymore. I'm only doing actions that align in my best interest for the the platform and for the podcast listeners who I the people I truly appreciate and deserve my the best of my
ability. The people that take the time to listen to me, to download my podcast deserve the best of my ability in research, providing the best content that I can deliver. And those are the people I'm dedicating my energy to. And it's those people right now that I appreciate. And you are the people that have kept me going through all of the roller coaster ride of the last
six years. And it's the people who support the podcast have been the shield against the guilt and the guilt trippers and the people that are trying to get in my head that me making a podcast is a disservice to my family. So this podcast is dedicated to you guys. I appreciate you all from the bottom of my heart. And it's you guys that keep me going and it's your messages.
A positive support throughout the years and in recently is why I get up every morning and do the research and try to make the best podcast in my ability for you guys. And each day I will work harder and harder and harder to make it better and better and better and give you better and more of a Thank you so much for me and my family.