My experience with online dating and some tips from Mark as well, hopefully to just help us be safer going forward and make sure that you know, everybody's going to enjoy the online dating still for anybody that is especially know for the LGBTQ plus community. So yeah, let's just dive right into that. I'm really excited to share everything with you. So thank you for having me on here, Mark. No, you're totally welcome.
Yeah, we've been talking for a little while and we thought about different approaches and how we're going to 1. Tell your story and and but I thought we should set the stage because the modern era where the time that we all live and how do you meet someone or hook up or or get to know someone, we're all busy. We all live in our little bubbles. We all have devices in our hand and that's how we communicate with one another.
This is a great obviously a piece of technology as far as how we're communicating right now is how we met. But on the darker side of it, there are some bad people. There's wolves and sheep clothing. There's predators, there's scam artists, romance scammers, and there's outright criminals. Like outright criminals. So. Some of them are are good, right. They can fool the best of us and and so let's just talk about some safety tips and so let's
talk about this then. With everything that you've been through right now at your age, you know your life experience and let's say that you were going to go on a platform. What would be the best advice you'd give someone listening right now if you could like, start right now all over The Time Machine, starting all over again. Jamie. Yeah. I think if I could start over and go back on a dating app, There are just a few tips that I have that I think would have
really helped and keep me safe. Even though you may think, oh, you know, it could never happen to me. It's always just better to be safe than sorry. So these are the things that looking back, I know would help me. So the first one that I have would be to tell somebody that you're close with maybe a friend or sister, sibling, maybe even a parent, if you are comfortable with doing that, Just anybody that you are comfortable with, telling them the address of where you're going and when you
should be home. That way, if it gets past a certain time and they try to reach out to you and maybe somebody who you live with. If you do have a roommate or somebody that is also living in your home and they still can't reach you, maybe that's when they can take further steps to ensure they're able to find you. Maybe calling the location if that's a restaurant and making sure you're still there or whatever though that may be. The next step, yeah.
And so the next step that I have would be to if you are using Snapchat, this is just specifically for Snapchat, OK. A lot of people will send you a photo over the chat that you can use on Snapchat. And the important thing that I would say is to make sure that you get a real time photo. And that would mean when they send you a photo and it shows up with the red box and you click that red box to open up the Snapchat. I'm sure everyone will know what I'm talking about when I use that term.
But that's just a good way to confirm that that's actually the person you're speaking to. Oh. OK, yeah, so the next one that I have is actually an app that I'm going to recommend that some of my friends use and it's called Life 360. OK, yeah, this app is really great because you can share your location and it can tell your friends where your battery life is AT, and they can remind you to charge your phone if you are out and about or before your house. Yeah, so I really like that.
Even if I'm on FaceTime with my friends, they tell me, hey, you know, charge your phone. Wow, so that one's really great because there's a lot of different safety apps safety tips on there. When I post this, I will. Put those links in in the post as well. OK, yeah, that sounds good. Maybe I'll have to. I'll share the app with you, but yeah, that one's really great. Another one just if you have an iPhone.
I'm not sure if this this is for Androids, but if you do need to call 911, if you're pressing on your your right side button and your volume buttons five times, it'll call 911 for you. Oh, that's solid. Yeah.
So that one's just really good. Just to know if you are worried that you know, you know you're holding your phone and you're kind of worried on you're walking down the street and you're feeling uncomfortable, that's just a good, you know, kind of one of those key clenching things that. If yeah, yeah, no, that's really good if you see someone kind of walking near you and you don't want to make it obvious. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That's actually pretty solid. No, that's really good. Yeah.
OK. So let's let's think, let's talk about this for a SEC then. OK. So now right you you did like this is like this, let's go back here because you're talking about you're at this stage that you're talking about, we're making the assumption that. You've already chatted with this person for a while. They seem decent. They seem you know you, you built the rapport with them and now you're going to go meet for
the first time. So these are the these are the safety precautions that you recommend. What would be some of the instant red flags like open and like for me? I'll tell you some later, but would just be AF. No effing way. He is next, right? Yeah, I think definitely. I mean, most people I think would not, but obviously if you can't see their proper face or you know their name isn't proper, like I've had a lot of people that you would see where it's like, what do you call that?
Just like MJ or. Oh yeah. Like abbreviation. Yeah, yeah, abbreviation. That's concerning to me because if you're going to go on a date with this person, you're spending your time, especially in a not public area. Oh yeah, yeah. Then now. J Dog. Yeah, yeah. Like, who the heck is J Dog now? Who's talking to tell the police that J Dog did something to you? That's very concerning to me, so. I think it's concerning you got their full name it first and
last. At least it would be probably ideal if you're going to meet with someone. You know, it was a red flag for me like this is when I did online dating long time ago when they when you would like, you know send a message, an instant reply back and wanting to hook up right away like you know this the like that was like, hey, what are you doing right now? I'm.
I'm not so far free. Can I come over or I'm at a hotel and I'm like, whoa, whoa, yeah, like they're too, too quick to, you know, too quick and you and all and for and then too many compliments, right. Oh, you're so hot, you know, You know what I mean? Like, they were just poured on, poured on really thick fast. Because I'm thinking either they're intoxicated or they're trying to smooth you up, right?
Yeah, no, I definitely had someone that that at first I thought for the first, you know, bit of the conversation, I was like, oh, this person seems cool. And right away they wanted to go on a date and they wanted to go camping. It's like, oh please don't murder me. Yeah, Camping. Yeah. No, I'm not going camping with anybody unless I know you well, right? And especially if you're a woman, you're gonna go some guy who wants to take you out in the woods.
And what, middle of nowhere? No cell phone service? Yeah, that's a red flag. Definitely. It's definitely not a good first date. No, no, not at all. Some of the other ones for me was. The pictures are obviously the, you know, pictures that are really fuzzy, poor, or just like you read the profile and it this looks like everything's copied and pasted. Oh, that's very concerned. Or were you? Were you like, is this someone who's like an Instagram star or? Oh yeah, yeah.
It's going to be true. It probably is catfishing, Yeah, that. Don't believe it. There's like, this guy's so hot, and I'm thinking, if it's too good to be true, honey, it probably is. Because why would that guy be talking? You know, if you're thinking, why would this guy be talking to me? They probably aren't. Yeah. And the pictures are are are,
you know, stolen from someone. And yeah, there was like ones like that too and like from, you know, back and they were, it's like the pig, you know, you know, talking like A10 model, you know, beautiful vacations, parasailing, you know, like every photo is like picture perfect, right? And then it's like, yeah, yeah, that's just too polished sometimes. Definitely not gonna be her showing. Up. Yeah, for sure. OK. So some of the. OK, so let's say this.
Now you're past that phase. Now you're you're talking and then maybe you know what were some maybe I'll share some and some red flags you've had where you're in that talking stage, Shane, you're in the texting back and forth. If somebody's asking you for nude photos, that's a big one. Oh yeah. Yeah. We've got to get out of the way. Of course.
I think that one's really I I understand once you've met, but I think if somebody hasn't met you and they're doing that, they might not have any intention of meeting you at all. Yeah, that's creepy, Yeah. Yeah, that's unsub experienced that before. Yeah, as a young, young teen. And that's like to the point where, you know, I just think it's inappropriate, especially if you haven't met somebody. I think you shouldn't be doing that unless you really know a
person. Because even if you think, OK, you know, it's on Snapchat, they can't screenshot. There's apps that do get, there's apps that can get away away from that. And so there's a lot of tips that can do that on, you know, there's hacking side of tips, right too, right. So there's. Things, yeah, their side. So you got to think about that when you are sending pictures online, never assume that it's going to just that person for just that one.
Oh, totally. Yeah. No, you never know where your pictures are ending up. Totally. And that. Yeah, that's as creepy too, right? That that would. Yeah. I I've had it on the on the opposite where it's Internet land where, yeah, it could be a it could be a weird place. And I I had, you know, women send photos and they're like, whoa. And it's like you're right in the beginning of chatting. That's again, it's probably not
her, right? And and it's problems and when they're for me, my biggest red flag was when they're trying so hard to get you to go somewhere come meet at me, da da, da. That I don't like that where it's just too much pressure to meet. The second would be or if they need money that happens to dudes a lot can you can you cash at me? Da da da da da. Yeah that happens a lot to guys, right. And you're just being built if you're if you're being strung along. And I'm just saying this is for
the guys because this happens. You know, the guys. Who are lonely and you know they're being milked. Yeah. And it's probably a catfish too. Yeah. And I think that's yeah, where that like too good to be true really should play in like, you know, I I don't think anyone. It's like, oh don't go out of your comfort zone a little bit. Don't go up a bit, you know. I think there's levels to like, you know, if you feel like I'm not that cute, like you could still date a cute person girl.
Like, you know, but like, I think there's levels. Like if you feel like this person looks like a supermodel, maybe. Yeah, they are. You brought up something too, and this happens. This has been happening to young men and they're they either go on like Grinder, get extorted, or they get where they're sending nude photos. And then they're being blackmailed. And it was like two young hockey players. One was like 17. I think it was 2. They're both like 1718.
They both ended up committing suicide because of the they thought would, you know, their careers are ruined and, you know, they make some kind of embarrassing video because they think they're, you know, you know, The thing is, is this, this is the reality, right? And the and the When you are in a relationship with someone, when you actually are right, there's things between you and your relationship that are
private. And for some people this is important because they they can trick people that they're in a relationship and that is a whole done another dangerous rabbit hole too. And that's where people can get exploited, right. So. So that's why like as as far you know, we you could talk about the humorous side of dating and stuff like that. You know the the funny profiles in the catfish.
Sometimes it's a little, you know, again, it's a little, it's a little bit of a chuckle, you know what I mean? In in a kind of an unfortunate way. Oh you they got you. Ha ha ha. But when it gets darker, when someone gets hurt and gets, you know, you know, going down the darker rabbit hole, it this is how the, the, the entrance of this journey starts, right?
Yeah. Well, and I think a lot of people too, this is something that I did want to mention is I people can try and gain your trust first. And then still do things that you know so could not be good for you. So I think just because you did meet someone first, definitely don't be putting your trustful in. Make sure that you do have proper knowledge of the person and you did actually get to know them well before you are willing nilly willing to go out with
somebody and not. Yeah. Or or exchanging intimate stuff online. Right. That's going to be used to exploit you. Or like they're like we go into like, you know, deeper as we in this conversation. You know, even romance scams these guys that just fleece these women, they they target middle-aged women, middle-aged women that just had a divorce or just widowed. These women are heartbroken. They're lonely. Mr. Prince Charming comes along and they always have like this
amazing story. Oh, I'm an Air Force Colonel. You know some. I have to be away and on in dangerous missions. That's why I can't call you because. And then really, they have another family or another victim, right. And they, they, they ruin these women's lives. And I've seen a, like, there was a date line that had one guy, he pretended he was a race car driver and he was like fleecing all, Oh yeah, he was a real scumbag.
Yeah. He was all these, you know, those, you know, like the outfits at the race, you know, the the racing outfits they wear and has all the patches and stuff. Oh yeah. Yeah, he would mail them to her house and say, oh, can he take this and dry clean. I'll be back from Indianapolis soon. Honey.
I'm just on the circuit and this does make you know give her hope that Herman's coming back from racing cars and but you know, yeah, but yeah, but this is what I'm saying is that they they rope you in and this is what I'm saving for people listening. We all, myself included, we can be taken in by someone, someone's charm. You're lonely. You're in a bad spot. They're they. They usually do what? What I've talked a lot about and and the Narcissus Abuse Podcast, I made the love bombing.
So let's talk about love bombing being a red flag. You know what? It's good. It feels good to have someone hey, your hair looks great. You look, you're you're my type or whatever. But then there's a dark side of it when it's love bombing, right? Yeah, I think that's important. And maybe we can. I'm not sure. I think it would be good to maybe explain for everybody what that is. And yes, yeah. It's powerful. It works, yeah. Exactly. Right. So love bombing. Is this right?
Jamie, you are amazing. You. You. Oh, my God. I I don't know if I could ever live another moment without you. You're my soul mate. When I'm with you, you know the sun doesn't set. You go on and on you go. Heavy flattery. It could be that. Or it could just be gifts. Hey, here's 1000 bucks here. We're gonna go fly somewhere. We're gonna, I'm gonna buy you a cute dress and get you that purse you like. And hey, have you had your hair done in a little in the last a
little while. Oh, let's take you my favorite salon. You know what I mean? When that You know, in that moment, let's say you've been through a really shitty time and your last boyfriend was an asshole, right? Now you got this guy, He picks you up in a nice car. He takes you up to nice places to eat, buys you the nice purses perfume. You know what I mean? Wow, where's this guy been?
And then then one day that guy finally walks into the room and you see him for the first time and he's nothing like that, Yeah. Well, and I think the time frame too, I think the time frame will definitely be based on the type of person that this that you're dealing with. Some people are able to hide it in front of other people and some people are able to hide it for a little while until maybe they have anger issues and now their anger is not able to be
controlled. Or depending on how you react to things, could be when they break down. So that's when you really have to be careful and realize what you're dealing with, which can be really hard, especially if you do start getting feelings for the person. Oh totally. And that's the thing. Some like, I I know guys. So you know I've been in sales. I've been in court. There are silver tongue devils. They I like. I know I, I even some of my friend who passed away, I talk to him on the podcast.
That's what I used to call him, the silver tongue. He could talk his way out of anything. Or if you listen to that little Paul Bernardo interviews that guy, he's he's sitting at a table full of cops. He makes those cops look like chump change. Yeah. So imagine being one-on-one with that guy and you're trying to get him to back off your boundaries. That's so tough. There's some people that can ratch it up. Yeah, for sure. For sure.
So the thing about this podcast too is to educate people because you know we talk like you know I'm I'm I'm just you know when I'm just talking. I'm talking about things that over time are easy to spot. Right. You need because you'll think back this. Why is this guy so so harsh with me In the beginning he'd Take Me Out. Bye. Bye then you. Then your brain will go. Oh my God. He he wrote me in. Like you said, some people are just subtle. If they're your best friend, they're your support.
But really they're waiting for those little moments to, you know, break you down. Right? You see it sometimes. Like, you know what I mean? Like when you really need them, they're not there, right? That kind of person, right. But that we're going farther in the relationship stuff. So let's back up. OK. So let's rewind then to your What are your red flags when you're in that texting back and forth? I'll tell you some of mine.
For my example, I've. I remember I met this lady online, never met her and she was nice. We had conversations, we talk on the phone. But she would be like the moment I'd wake up, text to the time I went to bed. It was just too much. Like, I'll just like, you know what I mean? When it feels suffocating and then too needy, then it's like we may not be a bad person, but then it's like, you know, what
are you getting you? You know, you don't want to get involved with someone like that because there's there's something more going on. Yeah. Well, and I think another one is when they're asking you a lot of questions, but you're not getting much information out of them, if you feel that. Oh yeah, yeah. If you feel that you're telling them a lot, but they're not giving you a lot, then there's probably something going on there that they're hiding. Yeah, that's a good one.
Yeah, that. Yeah, totally. I'm making something like they ask you lots of questions, but then you ask something, it's just sort of like brushed off or very like minimal. Yeah, yeah, exactly. They're probably married. Yeah. They may be married or not, who they say they are, or probably a bad person and they don't want to give out their identity. Maybe there's something that's already happened and they're
kind of scared. And if they are planning something, then they're not going to want to give you a lot of information. And I think that's definitely a really important thing to know, because if you were going to do something and that you wouldn't want people to know about, why would you want to give that person a lot of information about yourself? Yeah, yeah, totally. No, that totally makes sense. OK, let's, let's go now. We're now, we did a first date. We're doing a first date.
What are your red flags or first dates? Red flags or first dates? It's just like me rolling back to the bad first dates if someone is wanting to have sex with you right on the first date. Of course there's things I know sometimes you can have a spontaneous moment where you're really into it and it's going well, but I think that's when you have that good rapport and you are feeling close to that person.
But there can be times, and I think a lot of women can speak for this and maybe even some other people as well. I just know from my friends telling me as well that sometimes you haven't even really gotten into a proper conversation and this person is already trying to jump your bones. Oh, wow. Yeah, too, too. Yeah. Yeah. Too hard. Too hard. Like too pressure. Too much pressure. Yeah, that's that's not cool.
Because again, it's like, for me, I'm just saying if it, then, then you're not looking at the person as an individual. You're the object. Yeah, and it's like the moment wasn't even there. You're just kind of like you're not trying to get to know me. There's clearly an. Alternative motive. And of course, like, there's times where that's understandable and that's actually talked about. Like if you guys have explained
that. Yeah. But not like just yeah, if you haven't even had a dinner or. OK, get to know. I mean, yeah, I don't know that. Yeah, that. And that's also too Then that goes in the realm of risky sucks studs. And and for my opinion, someone doing that, I'm. I'm gonna assume that they're either drunk or they're on something that, you know, either just so impulsive, like, you know, Hey, come here, baby. You know what I mean? Like it's for me. It would cry like they're
probably high too on something. It yeah, it's definitely concerning. Or to me, it's borderline predator vibes. Oh, hell yeah, absolutely. You know, kind. Of what you're saying like those Gray line predators, people that are just like out to do that, I understand. Like people like there's a difference between being a Gray line predator, especially for anybody that is out there, maybe even wondering if this is you.
Hopefully not. But you know, like I think it's important for people to know, like there's a difference between a Gray Line predator, which is someone who is what you said before wanting to do these things with you and willing to take it as far as you'll let them versus. Yeah. Versus somebody who is. You know, like just actually there and wanting to be with you. Like there's different. Yeah, there's very differences in that and versus somebody who's just wanting to have sex too.
So when you just want to have sex, it's like, OK, hey, I'm going to talk to you. You're going to be consenting. I'm making sure you're comfortable as you're going, and that's OK to be someone who is. Actually active and wants to do the yeah with boundaries and communication. Exactly. But when you're Gray Line Predator, you're not allowing that the boundaries and communication and you're just trying to push them, even if you
feel their discomfort. And the the point of this podcast too, is truly to make give people food for food for thought and be safe. Because if you put yourself to say this, OK, we're just taking that scenario that you just talked about. You go meet someone, you think, hey, we're just gonna meet up, have a conversation, Netflix and chill. And the second you walk in the door and you know he's trying to get your pants off, yeah, I would be like get the hep fuck out of there first of all,
right? And that that can. Be hard for a woman to really understand. What is the difference when you're in it? It's not as easy as when you're out of it I. Never realized that until I got older and became an adult. It's not easy to tell what is the actual situation when you're the person in it, because you're not having that bird 's eye view. You're.
Not having hindsight is 2020 because you know how it ends when you're looking at it. From another person's perspective, But when it's yours, there's a lot of thought that goes into it. It's not just their side. It's your side too. I don't know for sure. And that's what I'm saying. And and yeah, that that's that's you know for me again I have a daughter I would not want her go meet some go, go. Hey baby. You know like I I I'd be there for 2 by 4.
But yeah. Yeah. The the the problem is is that there's some people that that can't not be impulsive. And and if you're that type of talking to men, listening, if you're that person that can't control themselves, you're gonna get you're gonna get yourself in trouble. You're gonna end up hurting someone, and you might meet a dad that's not too happy with what you did too right? So.
And I think the number one thing for those people is just work on really understanding consent and just consent, consent, consent because as long as that you have consent and without forcing consent, without force, yes. OK well that that was a, you know like you know the worst in my opinion like on a first date that type of really impulsive high pressure to do something
sexual. If the person's not comfortable that you know that that's a pretty, you know what I'd say pretty much in that, you know that bad zone of the spectrum. So let's dial it back a bit. So we're let's say you're at a dinner table with this person. What would be some of the things that would give you a red flag? Like you're not alone with them yet, but you're, you know, you're beating them first time and you're sitting at it across from a table from them.
I think this is not for everyone. Some people that do have money are still not great too. But I think of course a guy that wants you to pay for the food, or if you're not, if they're not necessarily even taking you to out to a proper dinner. Sometimes that is a bit of a concern. Because why? What are their intentions? Really? Yeah, like like they're like, for example, like I I get what you're saying. So how I'd break that down if if I'm interested in a woman, I'm single.
I wanted her to feel comfortable with me. I want her to have a good time. I wanna have a nice we wanna have go out and have a nice evening together and whatever happens, spontaneously and consensually, it happens. There's no necessary restrictions, but there's no it's gonna be happy ever after. Cuz we're going on a day either, right? So I I want to, you know, put my best face forward. If I, if I arrive and I'm being cheap, oh can you pay for my food?
Obviously I'm not going on my way to impress her so, but then if I still want her to still be intimate with me after, I don't really care about her. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? I want something from her, but I don't really care about her. And that's the difference. If someone cares about you, they want you. They want you to feel at ease and they want you to be at your best. You know, for for your sake and theirs. Yeah. No, I completely agree. You know what's my big red flag
is, is how you know. Say you're meeting someone at the first for the first time. My big red flag is how they treat the staff, the waitress, the waiter, the busboy, the the Hostess. Again, if if I if I'm on a date, if they were rude, condescending, overly Karen Ish for a minor thing for I'd find that embarrassing. But I I would have like there would be no second date. Yeah, that is so true and that's that's something I totally didn't think about, but that's very true.
I think that's first of all turn off and second of all it could be a look and. To how they could possibly treat you in the future. And even if it's not how they would treat you, why would you want them to treat anyone else like that? I wouldn't want them to meet my family because how are they going to talk to them? Yeah, like how they treat strangers is usually a good diagnostic of how they're going to treat you when they're angry, drunk, or fed up with you. Right, Yeah, yeah.
Well, and especially, how is that person once they're intoxicated? And I think that's another thing as well when you are going out on a date with someone. And you are at dinner. Are they ordering a lot of drinks? I think it's OK. To obviously have some drinks on our first date, but there gets to be a point. Yeah, they're getting sloppy. Yeah, you don't need a sloppy date. It's very concerning. Especially you, you know you don't want them to be driving. You definitely want to pay
attention to that. I think it's important because there's definitely been some people that I've heard of where you they realized pretty quickly, maybe not on the first date, but OK, this person's drinking a bit much and. Not that, you know, of course, everybody, everybody deserves to get the help that they need. But I think it's important to me with a healthy be in a healthy relationship, right? Oh, for sure. And I'm telling you straight up for me where I am at, course I have kids.
That's a whole different consideration. I cannot be with someone that does not have control over substances. It just it would just, it would cause, it causes such a chain reaction because, you know, I live in this tightrope house, cigars with my kids. You know what I mean? It's like you're getting up. You're you got to do, you got to with little kids, you got to be very engaged and active with them. If I'm drunk and hungover, I have a partner that's drunk and
hungover. Oh, that's not going to work, right. So for me, that would be because, you know, again, that's my consideration. Have some drinks, have a good time. No big deal, right? But when having drinks doesn't become a good time, especially for the people around them, yeah, then it's not cool, right? Yeah, yeah, I completely agree. So Davy, so let's just do a quick recap then because we'll we, we started off with your, your first safety tips of location, telling a friend, right.
Letting someone know where you're going and who you're going to be with. You know, pretty solid, pretty practical, common sense advice, but it's important to do right. Yeah, exactly. And again, if you guys did want to check out the Life 360 app, I think that's very useful. And looking on your settings on your iPhone, there's a lot of
great safety tips. I'm sure that they have them on your Androids as well, as well as sharing your location like you said with other people and getting get making sure to get their proper first and last name guys. Yeah, they know exactly their actual name. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Basic, but you know. TJ is generally not the person. Yeah T dog and then we then we also ended it. We talked about my red flags was being really like we talked about love bombing. Like they have a lure, right.
If you don't know someone and they want to take you to Mexico, for example. Or you know something really ritzy. Yeah. Or or if you don't really know them a while and you're gonna be take you somewhere where where you're gonna be alone for it with them and you don't really know who they are. Right. So that's safety getting to really know who they are and and actually who they are. Right. All right, Jamie, take care. You have a good night. Thank you.
You too. Hey. Good. It was great talking to you. OK. Bye. OK. Yeah, sounds good. Bye.