Psychology of Competition

I'm your host , dr Shemina , so welcome back and thank you for tuning in . So today I'm gonna talk about a topic , and the topic is on competition . Competition is a fundamental part of human behavior that permeates all facts of our lives , from sports and academics to the workplace and our social interactions .

It drives us all to strive for excellence , pushing the boundaries of our capabilities . However , the psychology of competition is very complex . It encompasses not only the motivation to succeed , but also the emotional responses that arise from competing against others that can make it toxic .

Factors such as self-esteem , shame , social comparison and the desire for recognition play significant roles in how individuals engage with competition . So understanding these psychological dynamics can provide valuable insights into our behaviors and our relationships with others .

So let's dive in for my insights into understanding competition on a little bit more of a deep level . So lately and I'm not sure the reason why , but I've been hearing a lot about competition from my male clients and I just thought it would be really interesting to talk a little bit about competition .

And you know , the truth is is that competition is really a fact of life .

Most of us can really understand the desire to win at games , you know , get the highest grade in class or bring home a medal or a trophy at a marathon , you know , playing sports , I think , provides an outlet for competitive urges and even watching your favorite professional teams allows us to vicariously compete through them .

You know , this is especially true when many of us like tuned into the 2024 Olympics in Paris this year and also the football season is underway . I have my partner and I also have my you know my father , who are avid . You know my father , who were avid . You know football fans .

So you see this competitiveness like in how you know each team actually , you know , goes against each other . But also I want to highlight the competitive language used to describe the win of your favorite sports teams against the rival . You know , you usually hear expressions like we destroyed them , we smashed them and so on , and that's in sports , right .

But then you can even observe this even more seriously in the political climate that we're in right now how the far right will describe their rivals as liars , devils and vermin , not to mention the wars that are happening when a defeat comes together with unnecessary destruction .

Competitive urges may also pervade our lives in many other areas , like think about it who has the biggest house , whose kid goes to the better college , or who drives the better car , or who has the most prestigious job , or who is better looking , or who's more fitter , or who is more popular , or who's more intelligent . There's always this comparison right .

People regularly make such comparisons and often feel like they're in competition with their friends and acquaintances , whether or not they realize it . As long as it's not a preoccupation or a source of great distress , this is normal . Competition is everywhere .

Healthy competition becomes toxic when you add in the element of triumph and I don't mean that word in its positive sense , as in . His victory was a triumph of self-discipline and fortitude . The added element of triumph I have in mind goes hand in hand with the humiliation of others . Or I'm better than you , I'm better than others .

That is what differentiates healthy competition from toxic competition . In this sense , when you are victorious , it means there must be a contemptible loser , and the loser is not going to be me . The frame of how you experience others is through this lens of there's a winner and there's a loser . Your best doesn't even apply in this instance .

Seeing others go down in defeat is a significant part of the gratification . Go down in defeat is a significant part of the gratification . Feeling superior to and better than those that are losers is the goal . So this feeling is more commonplace than you may expect .

Why , after all , do so many people tune into reality-based TV shows like American Idol back in the day was so awful , or even the Voice , where week after week , you would have losers who would be dismissed from the competition by the judges , who were often dismissing them in degrading ways , and many viewers derived so much satisfaction from witnessing this kind of

humiliation , no doubt identifying with the triumphant winner or the judge . So triumph can be seen as a defense mechanism . It's one way to distract the conscious mind from an uncomfortable or painful feeling or thought .

So a preoccupation with triumph , the triumphant winning , can be a way to escape from a feeling of low self-esteem or an underlying feeling of shame , to disprove feelings of damage and to project them onto the other person , the inferior and contemptible loser , because if I triumph over you , I shore up my self-esteem , making myself feel better as a way to escape

the feelings of shame . This kind of thinking also serves to ward off possible feelings of envy . Envy is one of those feelings that is much more primal in nature , where someone has something desirable that you want to possess for yourself or destroy it in the other . How you deal with feelings of envy is to really acknowledge the feelings .

Surprisingly , it's much better to come to terms with one's feelings of envy so that one can use it constructively , like for self-improvement , than to avoid envy by trying to dominate or destroy the other .

You know , I've had clients , and I have clients currently who are so competitive and consumed by winning that virtually every aspect of their interactions with other people become a basis for comparison . Like a writer , for example , who always measures other men's watches to make sure that their Rolex is better .

Or an entrepreneur who feels inferior because her husband couldn't afford a natural diamond the same as her friends . Or , more than that , like one having an attractive client whose first mental act upon entering a social situation is to decide if he or she was the best looking or the best dressed person in the room .

These are the psychological games that a person can play on a daily basis . I mean , all these clients have also struggled with the issues of shame , which is usually at the root of toxic competition and triumph . I've known other clients who tried entirely to avoid competition for similar reasons , although they were secretly just as competitive in spirit .

Even healthy competition involves some degree of shame for those who don't win . But most of us have developed ways of managing our feelings and behaviors to mitigate the shame . You know , good sportsmanship means not gloating in triumph or ridiculing others . Even if winning represents the highest good , we praise the dignity in defeat . No one likes a sore loser .

Also , when you lose or fail , you don't tattoo yourself with it . You try to reframe the experience as an opportunity to learn from disappointing expectations . So let's turn the lens on you and ask yourself how competitive are you ?

So next time you go to a party or a social function or you have to meet or converse with some people , pay close attention to your first exchanges , the first thoughts and feelings that go through your mind . Thoughts and feelings that go through your mind . Listen to how you represent yourself , or they represent themselves , and describe what you do .

Are you trying to make it seem if you're winning over them or you're comparing yourself . We all like to put our best foot forward , but does the other person make it seem like he or she is so all well put together that it makes you feel bad ?

Are you interested in finding out about other people or are you simply waiting for an opening to talk about yourself in a way that will make you look good ? Or invite some friends over for a game , which is also another study of competition ? How do you feel if you win ? How badly do you feel if you lose ?

Do you move on quickly from either one or do you find yourself dwelling on it way way too long after the game has ended , reliving the thrill or the victory or the agony of defeat ? These are all things that you can do to really think and be insightful about your thoughts and feelings around competition .

But remember , while competition is a part of life , an excessive desire to win and triumph over others may be a sign of hidden insecurities such as low self-esteem and shame , and we don't want to be ruled by our feelings . We want to be in control of our feelings so that they don't take over us , but we actually manage them . That's all I got .

Take care , be well . I hope you enjoyed this episode of Dark Matters with Dr Shamina . Thank you for listening in . You can find me at shaminajohnsoncom . All the links of where you can find me are in the show summary .

Come back often and make sure you subscribe , rate and review , because I'd love to hear your comments and remember either you deal with your feelings or they deal with you . See you guys soon .