Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hi, you're listening to Dr. Shemena Johnson, and this is dark matters with Dr. Shemena, the podcast that focuses on learning to become conscious and aware so that you can take control of your life in this very challenging world. So what do you say let's get into it.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Hi, and welcome back to another episode of Dark Matters with Dr. Shemena. And here I am talking to you about a topic that comes up pretty much a lot in the room in the therapy room, um, with a lot of my clients that I work with, and I think no one is actually absolved from fears. Um, we all have fears. And so I wanna talk about fear of change. So I want you to think about if you've heard this before from other people, or just even during the course of life change is inevitable. A little change will do you good? Everything changes, nothing stays the same.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
These are all things that I'm sure maybe you've heard, or maybe I'm just the only one, but I've, I've heard these, you know, statements throughout my life. And I think they've hit one part of my brain where intellectually, I know that change is inevitable. I mean, we're living in 2022 right now. And you know, there's a pandemic that is constantly raging on. And so I realize that change happens, but there's something about knowing it intellectually and for, to actually connect to our bodies where we feel a lot of our fears. So these are all things that I think people say to you when you're faced with a situation which results in things, not being the same as they once were, you know, for the most part, people like myself, you and I, we find a way to adapt, accepting the things are different and try to create a new of norm. You know, we all try to strive to change our lives in order to improve them. But sometimes we change the conditions to prevent ourselves from succeeding in our careers or being fulfilled in our relationships. I mean, you'd be surprised how many people will prevent themselves from changing as a way to fail and prove to themselves how awful or undeserving they are. You know, when you think about it, it's pretty ingenious. You know, how the body and the mind works. Um, albeit it's a little dysfunctional, but it's that person's way of working through unresolved issues.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
It's a defense that some individuals employ, they employ it because you have a sense of total control over this situation. And although many people will tell you to do things differently, you don't change or you fail to level out the playing field. So underneath like lurking underneath the surfaces, there's a sense of anxiety, anxiety about the loss of control, feeling powerless or sadness that pulls on raw nerves. Fear makes a benign yet difficult task, an emergency situation where there's all of these alarms going off in your mind and you feel like you have to marshall your psychological forces just to regain a sense of control of the situation or even of yourself and your emotions. So why is it that so many people resist or avoid change, even though they know it's for good Or they stay in unfulfilling relationships? You know, part of the reason is that authentic change takes a lot of work and usually involves facing some sort of pain. We all want positive change, but no one really wants to suffer. And when I use the word suffer, I mean, it in a productive way, like suffering for good, those of us who most was change, have I think an interesting view of life and the things going on around them. They often see life through a lens of fear instead of opportunity.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
And you know, the other reason is that Everyone has a reason for why they don't change. They have a myriad of rationalizations for why they do, or they don't do the things that they feel they should do, or they should not do. And it's these rationalizations that are defenses that become a very powerful force. They can make dysfunctional behaviors seem like the most rational decisions in the world. The like for example, if there's a woman who is 250 pounds, you know, she can re rationalize that the reasons for her excessive weight and why she can't lose the weight, but eventually she will be forced to face the truth. When she's diagnosed with diabetes or hypertension, or she has trouble walking. So you can rationalize your way into thinking that This is a bigger issue than really what it is. Um, so people have a strong fear of change. I mean, think about it for a moment. If you had let your fears and insecurities rule your life, you, would've never probably learned how to drive. Maybe landed that great job opportunity Maybe even met your best friend, or maybe even met your true love.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
You know, and this is just the tip of the iceberg Because life becomes limited. When we stay within the confines of our own comfort zone, your fears will literally carve out a nice, safe life where you're protected from taking any risk or any failures. New experiences has broaden our horizons. They allow us to explore different avenues. They make life way more interesting. It's like being in the game versus sitting on the sidelines, watching the game, not letting yourself have these experiences, cheating yourself outta life, But we actually change when you think of it all the time, Seriously, something in our lives changes daily and there have been numerous changes. We just didn't really notice. For example, if you've ever had to take a different route to work, that was change, not eating the same thing for lunch every day requires change. You were going to do something and now you aren't, you weren't going to do something, but now you are changing. Now I know that these are all very low stake situations, but the idea is the same. And we employ these defenses surrounding all fear surrounding change. It becomes so loaded. You know, all these ideas came up for me one time when I was having dinner with a friend, um, a while ago, and you know, we were discussing his daughter in particular and his daughter was really afraid of moving from preschool to kindergarten. And
Speaker 1 (08:00):
You know, she's a, she's a lovely girl, bubbly, cheerful. Um, she always looks forward to school and playing with her classmates. Um, But now she was anxious and she was afraid to go to school. Getting dressed in the morning and setting in at settling in at night was now a big ordeal. Um, she did not want to go back to school. She was having a difficult time. She was afraid This little girl was struggling with the unpredictable nature change and how the world can present you with an entirely new set of different experiences.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
I mean, my eventually consulted with a therapist regarding his daughter, um, and the daughter helped him, him and her, you know, work through to transition. And now they're doing fine. But the point is, is that individuals that cope better with change, realize that they're not in control of everything. And when you're not trying to be in control of everything, then you are actually in control of yourself. There's also a realization that you are not entirely helpless, either in the face of change. So it's, it's the idea of let change, teach you a lesson about life. So for those of you who have a tough time with change, you know, try and keep this in mind, just because something changes doesn't mean it has to stay that way. Embrace the idea of something new. Try it. If you don't like it, you can always change it back. And yes, it really does work both ways.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Thank you for listening to Dark Matters with Dr. Shemena, please. Don't forget to share this on social media and I'll catch you next time.