Breaking Through with Dr. Shemena Johnson: Understanding the Self

And welcome back to another episode on the series Breaking Through . In this episode we will dive into how understanding your past can be healing . It's where the wounds are raw , open and create continuing suffering , whether it's childhood trauma , fatherlessness , motherlessness , toxic parents or just disappointing relationships , toxic parents or just disappointing relationships .

Healing starts with an honest awareness of yourself as a necessary step towards growth . You know our histories are so important because we are all a walking 365-page book of living history , of living proof of what we've been through . Many of the anxieties and fears experienced in childhood can have an accumulative effect on our lives .

Early experiences are crucial because they are stamped into our psyche and influence later experiences that impact our intimate and platonic relationships . For example , it's a daughter who loses a parent at an early age to a car accident or severe illness , is left absent one parent feeling the loss and feeling confused .

The question becomes how did that loss impact the remaining parent ? Did they become depressed ? Did they wall themselves off ? Did they just become not engaged ? But also , how did it affect you ? That feeling of loss is baked into your understanding of the world and how you see it . It's a lens .

It's not that people will not leave you , but it's your interpretation of that event and what it means to you . Like , are you left with a feeling that you're a factor , like the feeling that you are that kid in school where others have two parents , or you feel like they have one leg up over you because they have two parents and you only have one ?

That loss becomes a deficit in your psychological makeup . What is the implicit message that you tell yourself about that event ? And you grow up caring as you become an adult ? Or the example of a son who has a father who is angry and punishing , is left feeling less than and small confusion about his sense of masculinity .

Or a daughter who felt safe and secure within the context of her family , where autonomy was traded for security . She feels anxious about becoming her own person and venturing out in the world , thus wondering if she will lose her family , or feels the need to make everyone happy just to keep them close .

The thing is , even if you grew up in a household where it was nurturing and safe , we all bear invisible wounds from our childhood . When these invisible wounds go unnoticed or unnamed , it can wreak havoc on our relationships . It's the unnamed pain of these invisible wounds that becomes a way for you to orient your life .

The pain of a young girl who has an absent father and rationalizes the absence as a defect within herself and rationalizes the absence as a defect within herself .

Or the pain of a young girl who feels unloved , learns to cover these feelings by overcompensating and becoming an overachiever , a high achiever If I can't be loved for who I am , I will be loved for what I do . Or the pain of a woman that experiences rage and anger and turns it inward towards herself and becomes depressed .

Experiences from our childhood strongly influence our adult behavior , and how we learn to manage our emotions is often rooted in childhood . You know our families hold a lot of power , a lot of psychological power , you know , because we are born into families , contained by our families , fed by our families and also neglected and sometimes betrayed by family .

Whenever we think of family , I like to think of it as the metaphoric , like a metaphor for your own home , your own internal home . You know , I'm always struck when a person can easily slip into thinking and speaking in a similar pattern , in a similar way of what their parents used to . That's how powerful our environments can be .

You know , negative behaviors and traits , as well as individual talents , can often lie hidden underneath the surface . For some families , emotional vulnerability is encouraged . For others it's frowned upon and discouraged . For some families , anger and the expression of anger is tolerated , but for others it's the worst and you are shamed for its expression .

So you ask how in the world can the loss of a parent , being emotionally neglected , family or physically abused have to do with relationships and your own personal fulfillment ? If you never look behind the curtain of your psychology , then the feelings of insecurity , loss , guilt , shame get repressed and will have agency over you .

Not acknowledging the feelings becomes your best attempt to live a personal , fulfilling life . I understand that . However , when we don't acknowledge and have self-awareness , underlying feelings can wreak havoc and they can actually move you to a place where you actually end up . The feelings are telling you what to do .

Perhaps you might decide to leave your emotionally abusive partner if your parents hadn't ignored you for days on end when you expressed upset . Feeling alone in isolation is so much more worse than being yelled at by your partner or slapped in the face , because it's proof that at least someone is taking you into account .

Or maybe you work yourself so hard to the point of exhaustion to achieve multiple degrees and all of the anxieties of achievement , because if I can't be loved for who I am , I will be loved for what I do and how I perform . It's a perceived ticket to counteracting feelings of less than an internalized evaluation and disrespect in the world .

This becomes a demarcation between what can be self-destructive to ourselves and what can be self-affirming , and it's all very much about the underlying feelings . They are having an outsized impact on your psychology .

When you're not conscious of the invisible wounds of family or even the world and society and its impact on you , then we do carry it forth , identifying with the negative projections , and then it becomes a way of how you end up seeing yourself the struggle to understand by questioning ourselves , our behavior , our reactions are the only advantage you have in overcoming

trauma , dysfunction and anxieties and fears . It's like the saying goes that you cannot understand where you're going until you understand where you're coming from , where you've come from . Understanding gives you a choice in the matter , one which you may not have had or even it's been available to you before .

But when you become conscious , you bring a greater self-awareness and healing to that which could not be acknowledged . Facing these negative traits and behaviors that have been passed down like the family jewels affords you the ability to not remain trapped . But first you must identify and acknowledge the feelings that lay underneath the surface .

Now I want you to take a moment to soak in all of what I'm saying to you . Maybe , if you like , you can grab some paper or write in the journal so that you can continue to explore and understand yourself . This is what I like to call finding your way . So here's some questions that may help you further explore that

Like . Ask yourself what is the pain you carry forth today ? Can you name it ? Also , when you listen closely to that internal voice of pain , what are its deeper needs ? What are some of the strengths gained from your father , mother and maybe even your family , but also what are some of the weaknesses you gained and you inherited from them as well ?

How are you different from the way your parents behave ? How are you similar ? These are just a few questions that you can begin to ask yourself , to question yourself so that you can get to the underlying feelings . Until next time , take care and be well . I hope you enjoyed this episode of Dark Matters with Dr Shamina . Take care and be well .

Rate and review , because I'd love to hear your comments and remember either you deal with your feelings or they deal with you . See you guys soon .