Episode 99: You Don't Read

Gambling was something that I did.

This is Dan Patrick takes a gamble.

One of my bookies died at the Kitchen Table, a podcast vehicle for Dan to talk about his love of gambling. One bet, another bet, another bet.

Without doing the actual gambling.

You're a coward.

It's easy to have a scapegoat.

And now join my Bad Larry, Shayan Irving and Dylan the Graphics.

Got I have friends.

Here's Dan Patrick.

All right, so everybody's here and Bad Larry. Did you get hold of Bad Larry? Marvin?

No again?

Okay, having surgery again?

No? No, okay, Now this is supposed to be be nice to Larry day because we weren't nice to Larry last week. And I heard from a lot of people that we were really, really really mean to Larry. So we'll give him a little bit of time before we bring him in. Ray, could you help us with Bad Larry.

Yeah, I'll try to track him down right now.

Okay, all right, so uh raise, it's nice here.

There's no like a static from the phone.

No, no, it sounds good Win Chris Regatta, but bad Larry. I want to make sure. No, I'm serious. We gotta be respectful and nicer to Larry. No, yes, you really have to.

I do not easier to talk about him on the phone than.

Like, Okay, I never met him, never met him. You've never met no, thank god, not in person. Okay. I came here to look you sand baggot.

Bit Wow, you do actually not met?

Well, we met when I thought we met. I never remember anything, Larry, my part of cornwall. No, I don't remember that, Larry, sit down, sit down, gotta get get in front of that's Marvin right there. Okay, okay, all right, Larry, all right. I texted Ry the other day talking to your microphone. Marvin pulled the microphone up, Larry. Okay, okay, we're good, guys, Okay, we are.

I texted Ray the other day. I said, you know, driving a main lot of moving parts. I'll see if I can make it. I'll let you guys know right now there's a moving car part in the passenger seat.

Not real happy.

Your wife's outside in the car in the car is your is your what you call it?

Sister sister law?

She has she has her family coming.

Okay, so so bad. Larry is here foot off of me. Okay, no, no, no, we're gonna be nice to Larry these guys. Okay, were you bothered by how mean we were last you swear I couldn't care less? Okay, honestly, you gotta talk into the microphone. I'm gonna throw you here. We're doing a podcast. Okay, do you promise you swear that you were not offended by this? Okay?

If I was a fan, I wouldn't be here. I want to look Shay right in the eye. Fucker who voted against me?

Okay, Okay, Dylan, I know, go ahead, go ahead.

Okay, because I did hear from some people said that we were really, really mean to you.

Oh okay, Okay, Well my boys at home loved it.

Okay, awesome, awesome, So let's vote again. Do we want to keep Larry on the podcast? Here? Shay? Fine?

Wow?

Wow, it's kind of talk tough. When Larry wasn't here. Well, I mean, what are what are the other options? That's the question. Sammy P Is pretty busy.

He was great.

I like Sammy P was very sharp.

Yeah, how did he do?

I think he went?

Yeah, something like college. So Larry is pulling ahead now, like you're up. You won two units last week. You're up plus twenty, Shaye won three units. He's at plus fourteen. Dylan zero units one or loss last week, so you're at plus twelve.

Bringing up the rear.

Now tight race, no question about.

It, all right. I got a couple of references there the rear. It's tight. Okay, No, no, we're not. Anything needs to be mentioned off of last week? The Chargers, Danny, how about him? What about him? They lost like a son of a bitch and I put money on him. Was unbelieved except for you were you? Did you have the chargers? Did you go against the agast Okay you didn't?

And against some we again this week?

I'm pretty sure Dan the real travesty though.

Ye talk about him? That was brutal. You know what's so bad is when this has happened to Dylan a couple of times, when you you're up big in a game, and then you'll hear from guys from the show saying, hey, you know, good job, congratulations you won that one, and then all he knows that he's going to lose.

That marioush At this point, I'm so skidy about that. I don't even like to think the thought in my head that they might win, because I think that'll much the bet.

Yeah, but I did. I was twenty eight zip and I was like, all right, that's easy money.

I would think, so minus two and a half and you're up twenty eight to nothing. Yeah, against a third string quarterback from Western Kentucky.

There has to be someone out there who just was like, fucking I'm putting one hundred bucks live on Western.

Kentucky when they're down and made a nice chunk.

Anything else that needs to be mentioned there with Youdil.

Now just kind of a nothing.

But I mean, honestly, I think it's the first time in like four weeks that I didn't lose units, So that's a small victory.

What about you, bet, Larry, since you're starting to get a little separate, I mean you're just being.

You want everyone just I plan on ding switch.

I'm looking at again.

Twenty three is the gold standard here, right, I think we're going for thirty three a couple of years ago.

Twenty three. Yeah, I think thirty units is a good number to be up for a year, Larry.

I'll bet you one hundred bucks that by the end of the season you're not up thirty.

Yeah, that's that's a it's a good bet. It's a hard number to get to. I agree with you, So take the bet, Larry, So what by the end of the regular season.

A regular season.

You're the one that just brought it up. So it's not like somebody brought up to you.

That's what I'm shooting for.

Okay, but you brought it up. Now, somebody just called you on it. Now, Yeah, it's a long what do you give me? Five to one? I'm just saying it will be the record on the show. And now I got to go on even money. Bet, I'm setting a record. You just brought it up.

All I said was I'm shooting for thirty units.

Dan, okay, and then he said I'm gonna.

He doesn't think I'm gonna get it. Okay, there's a possibility there.

We're at twenty now, Larry, you're not confident enough that you'll get ten more next three weeks?

Two a week now, six more is a really good number.

Okay, so that, but I'm shooting for thirty still. Do you want something to drink here? Larry? We have some? Uh?

Yes, I got I got five more hours, Okay, I don't.

I don't have any Budweiser in here.

I have something in the car.

Okay, I don't know if that Uh my wife and mind to let me have any on the ride?

No, maybe maybe once I get the main.

There you go, yeah, there you go into Well, why don't you just have her drive?

There's no laws in oh now, then then we wouldn't get the main till tomorrow.

There you go into the gas station and get like the sixty four ounce soda cup and just fill that thing up.

Whoa standard ship?

Yeah?

I drink the bud can right, Okay, Shaye?

Do you have anything that you'd like to mention here? No, I don't any Why. Well, I mean I had a pretty good fucking week. I like it standing on its own accord dominat in the NFL. I think people should take notes realize how good I am. There, I'm trying to emphasize just how great you are. He won three units, big deal with zero Harley's zero teasers, none of that ship just straight up one.

What are you saying?

I'm doing great? I can't believe I'm doing this good. If I could only stop live betting, doing in the middle of the fucking night sober obviously, But well, that's right, you're still in the wagon on the wagon hard core?

Danny, have you made it from the podcast yet?

No? No, no, because there's been some tension in the in's household and I don't want his wife cooking for me and they they're at odds with each so she mailed it in last night, Danny, the menu was mailed and mailed it in sheet pan. Chicken thighs with peppers and olives.

That's pretty good.

Were you kidding me? That's like, it's like a lunch cafeteria. Unacceptable behavior from the roommate, especially one that don't work. I mean, it's it makes no sense to me. I could have made that shit. I'm supposed the open at three fifty calls a day. There was no season in, there was nothing. It was just breaking chicken thied. Okay, did you say that to her? Oh god no. We do have a problem though, because she listens to this

That was the sole reason literally.

Okay. That brings us to this week. Bad Larry has joined us in studio, and morale.

Is high in studio. The Morales guy.

Here we go, Bad Larry Okay, college football u c F minus six against Georgia Tech.

These are all one unit bets.

Utah minus is six and a half against Northwestern never like Northwestern.

Still don't Okay.

I know last week Shay took Oregon State, so I'm taking my notre name squad.

I know Hart was not playing, but I don't care.

And dj uy Ungalley is not playing either for war State.

And he's going to continue to change. Yeah, yeah, my name is going to beat him six and a half.

We're good.

Auburn minus seven against Myland. I think Marylin's another team has mailed it in. I got the oil.

To his brother's not going to play in that game, and he is the He's the leading passer in the history of the Big ten No Ship. I think I think too. I think to his brother.

Any concussion problems for to his brother.

That I'm aware that I'm aware of. Okay, what else, Jilan, I don't know.

If you're going you're under Iowa. That's been the greatest bet this year. I'm taking over in that Tennessee game.

And Larry high fiving each other. What's going on?

Have you two dips its?

Learn nothing from this entire season.

Oh, so you're going to take the over Intendessee in Iowa?

Over that bowl game? Okay, then over to the NFL.

Wait, do you have Alabama Michigan? Yeah?

Yeah, I think I don't know. Let me go back to my opinion.

Why do you have glances? If you don't put him on.

I take him off to read. I put him on the drive to see you. Now, I would be better if I put him on.

No, I take him off.

Well, Larry, don't read.

Okay.

Okay, So you have Alabama plus one and a half against Michigan.

Yes, I do.

It's it's right there, right above Tennessee, Iowa. Oh, thank you.

Also, do you have an idea in your head that you may have made that bet? Larry?

Alabama plus to one and a half. I'm sorry, Dylan, I didn't here.

Okay, Texas to win the national title? You also have that, Larry.

Yeah.

I figure if I'm wrong on Texas and they get beat by Washington, it's one unit to win six I believe.

Is that still the line?

Yeah? And you know that Shay loves sexes too well.

I know he's from Texas. I know he loves the horns North Texas.

Yes, here we go. All right, So that's okay, nfl ones. Do you want me to read you your best? Then that would actually help bat Larry has Bengals minus two against the Steelers. Correct, correct, people can't hear you when your head shakes like you have to go.

I can't hear what you guys are saying.

I don't have a you don't have your headphones?

Wait, no, I don't need them.

You can't hear me right now now?

I can't. Yeah, okay, what I'm working at you, I can do it.

Are you drunk?

No?

Go?

I think I'm going deaf though.

Okay, I gonna make it to one hundred, right, Larry? Yeah that's a lot.

You're not making it to one hundred. That's a lot over under seventy eight and under under horrid under. Okay, So Larry, look like ship well easy, then to ten, look fantastic. You look I'm like a loreal girl. You look rough. I look like Santa Claus. You know, you look like Santa's brother went to rehab, Sammy clause the Prodigal Sun returns. Okay, So Bengals minus two against the Steelers. Okay, that's where you.

Go, Yes, Larry, Bolls minus eleven and a half against the Chargers.

Okay, well, Shane, I agree that Chargers mailed it in.

Also, okay, I'm taking the Jets against the Commanders because the Commanders suck vikings plus three against the lines.

I'm a little worried about that.

But you know it's amazing with the Jets. So they've scored thirteen touchdowns the offense in fourteen games on Fowan, that's hard to do. Like you could be the Ravens of two thousand, where maybe you don't score, but then you have that defense that shut everybody down. But I mean, they got Aaron Rodgers' buddy, Nathaniel Hackett as the quarterbacks guts. Like, if you really need a quarterbacks coach, now is when you need the quarterbacks coach to really help. You don't

Dined out on just being friends with Aaron Rodgers.

Well so did Tim Boyle. Yeaheah, bol Tim Boyle is his buddy.

But you know what, Aaron Rodgers, to his credit, he rides for his boys, so he keeps them all employed, but not for his family.

Yeah, actually a brother.

Now I think there is a whole his mama that he didn't talk to him for like fifteen fucking I think they're good now. I think everything's good. Now. Hey, look, if you and Larry can come together, Listen, a man that doesn't speak to his fucking family. I got a lot of questions.

Yeah, we don't talk to him.

That's weird.

If he talks to his family.

My family still talks to me. Imagine not talking to your mama. You got kicked out of Austria by your family and told still home. That's true, but they still told me. They didn't lock me out. Okay, so they okay, there was communication. Yeah, okay, let me see bad Larry. You got Lions plus three against or no, Vikings plus.

Three, Bears plus four, I mean Cardinals plus four against the Bears, right, Cowboys plus one and a half against the Dolphins.

Thank you? No, No, you.

Don't like that.

I'm scared of No, absolutely not over under Giants Eagles.

Yeah that's over forty two and a half.

I took the over because I want to bet on my Giants, but I can't on the Cutler.

You see where he trademarked passing Paisano. No, but Guru, shit that agent man, well, he better his fifteen minutes. It's tick. You're going to open a pizzeria in Bergan County. That's gonna be yeah, yeah in five years. Tommy Cutlets has a place right near the meadow lands and you could go there before the game or after the game. Podcasting passing Paisano, Okay, Uh, what else do you have?

Laire Ravens plus the five against the Niners?

Okay?

And then I have a two unit. This is a Christmas present to you guys. Are all you should bet it? Bill's minus one and a half versus the Chargers, the Eagles minus the two against the Giants, and the Bengals plus the eight against the Steelers. Okay, Mail Dylan Murray Christmas, Buddy.

Dylan doesn't do Christmas, hates that and actually I do. I do everything.

Dylan. You shouldn't be going second because you're third on the list here. Uh, picture day Ray has you going second, So no your last Wow.

I think we're going to least felonies to most.

Oh fair for the holidays, Shay, go ahead, all right. College football, Texas State laying five and a half against Owl's Zona venerable motherfucking over. No, that's the under Danny. I got the under there, Gay ray Er. No, it's picture day, Ray, Picture Day. Ray. I meant messed that up. I got the under an Arizona Sooner game. Okay, that's sixty two yep, under there, Okay, Ole miss plus the four against Penn State. Okay, I got the Ducks lane seventeen against the Baptists. By the way, I did meet

No, she had a helmet on.

We don't have to act surprised here. She was very nice. I thought she did a good, good job at that.

She was good. So she's not from Canada. She exists in real life.

She exists in real life.

Yeah, not from she's from Island.

She is twenty five.

She employed. Yeah, doing better than me.

It was quite the day with me, Dylan and his girlfriends.

Yeah, we were tuned up.

Yeah we got we don't need to go down this road. Oh really? Oh really? Wait? This is the company Christmas party at my place.

Yeah, yeah, we're talking about afterwards. We got denied service from two bars later on that day.

Well, you almost got denied service at my house. People who were talking, why would you do it at your house because my wife is a masochist, say this like you, I go, we don't have to do this, Yes, we do. So it's four hours, you know. I just everybody in the building went there and yeah, and then everybody in the neighborhood. I just lower food like Chad from Trigger came in and go ship. Yes, damn it to hell, Danny,

Comy girls, I have to go to the cocaine room.

Oh wow, Daddy, why'd you disappear for three days? Okay? Anything else that are you doing? Over under Iowa, Tennessee? Yeah, I'm taking the over it's time, okay, over thirty six there and then I got the NFL. I got Highland Park Lane, the three and a half. Here we go, and you're taking Oregon over Liberty Lane seventeen against a Baptist. Yeah, you're going to hell a Baptists. A Baptist. That's a fundamentally flawed denomination. Anything you have in the NFL, anything

Talking to me, the shadow people.

Hey, they're all in my head. You have some whispers up there all day. I've been having whisper since I was fourteen years old. My mama called it the devil coming inside and talking to me. I think she might be right.

You let the devil come inside.

Okay, don't you all not believe in the devil. I'm not doing this today. What do you mean. No, I don't know. We don't need to do this. There's no evangelical portion of this program. I think you do need to do this. No, No, you need to deal with the devil. And maybe you made a deal with the devil years ago.

Yes, Marvin, this could have got real awkward before you ate at your Christmas party. Shy would have been like, everybody shut up, we're gonna say grace.

Yeah, I would appreciate the gospel. Do you are you the one that says grace? No? Oh, you don't do that. No. The roommate is, you know, destined for hell. Okay, she's listening to this, that's right. Her friends are too, Danny. They get notes and they text her what I say on the podcast and how I'm a bad person because of that.

How long have you been together?

H ten years? Married, ten years, ten years before twenty years.

She's straight to have the ten minutes. I know you, she's straight to have them.

Now you need ten years?

Yeah, ten years married, ten years to life. It was we were, we were, I've been chased. I would chase her for a decade and then she finally agreed to marry me. No, married ten years and she's been regretting every single year. I'm a salesman, Danny. I know how to do it. Wow. Okay, Hellelujah, Praise the Lord. Are you still doing your podcast? Yeah? We had one last night. I got off the rails pretty fucking quick. Oh, Shay and Irving. Wherever you get your podcast, that's and it's

It would have been someone's wife in prison.

For no, brother, I promise you to God, I'm on top.

No, I don't believe that.

No thing.

What Marvin, Wait, some more action in prison or at your house?

No, the house is fine there. That's the only thing that keeps me coming back. We don't no, no, we do not need Dylan. How about your picks?

Oh right, yeah, I forgot.

She's gonna yell me about the shit. Yes damn it.

Yeah, you're fine.

Alrighty chicken. The rest of my fucking life now, Yeah, alright, here we go.

College football Duke Troy under forty four and a half. I hate both of those teams, so taking the under and neither starting quarterback Ole miss plus four against Penn State, going Michigan minus one and a half against Alabama like a smart person, Iowa Tennessee under thirty six. Of course, that's literally an eighty point total for any other team. And Texas minus four against Washington, and then for NFL.

How do you like that surf side? Those those they're goods.

Yeah, well they're like twisted tea without like four hundred pounds of sugar in okay, all right, actually one hundred calories don like a white cloth.

Yeah, somebody dropped them off at the Christmas party, so I thought i'd bring him.

Have you sampled them?

I'm a man, I'm a man.

I think men drink iced tea.

Okay, not real, man, You got die would beat it? Yeah, all right, anything else, yep.

Ravens plus five against the Niners.

And I'm also gonna sprinkle a you know on the Ravens money line too, okay?

And Cowboys Dolphins under fifty.

All right?

Uh is that it? I gotta add to Danny Okay, Bama money line, Texas laying the.

Four copying my Texas bad.

Yeah, that's it. That's what definitely from you, Larry. Thank you for coming out, no problem, and I have mad respect for you. Came in and you wanted to look Shay right in the eye.

Man.

Yeah no, I mean I couldn't be an hour away from here in not sty and I gotta be to be a little late in the main.

But I give you a lot, a lot of credit that you came in here and you stared right in the devil's face and you didn't blink. You did not blink, and you can't drink and your wife is out far.

The devil's in the car waiting for me.

I'm gonna okay, we'll be fine. A couple of miles, okay, Dan, Marry christ Merry Christmas?

Good luck.

You know how to get out of here.

Yeah, okay, all right, let's see a bunch. That's once again. How about around Larry.

I sent some real chemistry with Shane Larry towards the end there.

Yeah, it was great. You know, I thought that he uh got the better of you, did you know. Yeah, he kind of dunked on you a little bit because you didn't know that he was here, and then all of a sudden he was here. And then all of a sudden, it's like your drug dealers showing up at the crackhouse you're staying at when you owe them for a couple of ounces. He just walks in the door. You're like, oh shit, here we go. Yeah, I don't know that. Neither do I, Danny.

I'm just outside the box here, totally random pull.

Yeah. If the roommate is listening, this is all a bit I'm joking. No, no, because you said to me, Danny, this isn't an act. You told me that a couple of weeks ago.

Danny, this in an act.

Yeah, I better retract that, yes, say that was an act, saying it wasn't an act. And now the roommate and I can be happire after. Is this is this gonna make things? Can it be worse? Oh?

Yeah?

Okay, oh yeah yeah. All right. So if the roommate is listening, I have heard a lot about your food, and I would love to come over and have a nice meal, and I'd love to meet the girls. She told me she wanted to yell at you. Why because you're ler. Yeah, that's that's exactly what she said.

That's it.

The room. Her friends are going to text your immedia. I know.

Do you know what se fucking said about you?

Yeah? But Dan, you are unemployed yoga teaching us. Why am I an enabler?

You let me get hammered at your Christmas party?

So you came hammered at my Christmas party? Yes, good movie. Because somebody was on the train with you guys. They showed up before you guys got there, and they go, oh my god. There there was a group of people. I think they're coming to your party, and they were tuned up. Was the expression, who is this fucking rat? Ray?

As soon as I walked in, I knew exactly who it was. Oh, exactly who it was. I remember we were getting off the train at Milford and they may or may not have gone in front of us, and someone may or may not have gone in front of them skipped a turn off the train, and I was like, oh, that probably wasn't the nicest thing we could have done. But we're like, we'll never see him again. And we turned the corner and they were outside talking to the big guy, and I was like, let's.

Go to the right here, we'll bit you guys walked in and you it was obvious.

So I mean, wait, it wasn't even the.

First strategies to Christmas parties. When it comes to work, when it comes to social I mean, you've got to plan your day accordingly.

It was a little shampoo effect.

We didn't like make a scene.

Wait, if you're showing up tuned up, you got to bring at least half a gram with you to go to the mountain. You got to you got not at the work party. No, absolutely, at the work party. You always leave early at the work party because Hr is there just watching. I'm Hr showing up. Wait, Sha, where do you work again?

Tell us? I think?

Yeah, rocket building the helicopter they trust me exactly what you want.

When you see one flying real low, you know who's piloting it.

Right, Think we're done well, But Dan, thank you for having us. Well, thanks for not inviting me.

I lost to a nine year old in pool.

Yeah, well, because you were a little in your cups.

I'd transferred over the bell curve spier.

Yeah all right, I think we've done enough dammage here to uh your career, my career, to Shay's marriage, and uh maybe the gamblers out there. Good luck this weekend and we'll talk to you. Are we going to be around next week.

We're on vacation and yeah, we're off next week. I need a week off from But our next episode is our hundredth episode. It takes a gamble, no ship.

Yeah, something I think you get off the wagon.

Should we do a small field trip for the hundredth episode? Weren't we talking about.

Doing it at a pleasant moments? Yeah, we're not going to a strip club. It's more of a whorehouse doing that. All right? Yeah me neither.

Yeah, terrible idea.

Okay boo, all right, Uh, Merry Christmas to everybody, am I don't do the happy holiday. Merry Christmas, Christmas, Happy New Year. Welcome to America, Dylan, thank you for joining us, as thank you for he can't thank you for joining us. We'll talk to you, not next week, but the week after that maybe