Episode 88: Don't Meth With Texas

Gambling was something that I did. This is Dan Patrick takes a gamble. One of my bookies died at the Kitchen Table, a podcast vehicle for Dan to talk about his love of gambling. One bet, another bet, another bet without doing the actual gambling.

You're a coward.

It's easy to have a scapegoat and now join my bad Larry Shayan Irving and Dylan the graphics got I have friends. Here's Dan Patrick. You have a beth, though you have to pay it. So if the commanders lose the Red River, oh, you have the Red River rivalry shootout, not a shootout anymore, Danny. I know you're not allowed to not allowed to say that.

Is a hilarious like tweaking, to be like this is tweaking.

Speaking of tweaking, it is Texas and ou so as far as the meth goes, there's gonna be. Yeah, see through shit. By the way, you uh, you didn't recover from Dallas had to win and you could even come on to talk about it this week. I was sick, Danny. There's something going around the way. The weather's snapping. OK's not my fault. I got a really good immune system. I take care of myself. Body is a temple, all

You're glowing.

Bad Larry there, pregnant, I'm here great, great, Hello, Dylan, goodbye. Bad Larry lost a unit last week, Shay one five up plus seven and Dylan didn't lose a unit. You're plus fourteen, staying even. Okay, I like that. Any recaps here, anything, anybody wants to mention. Notre Dame, Notre fucking Dame Danny. Yeah, this is why I believe in God. This is why y'all are all going to hell, because touchdown, Jesus came through in the clutch and went for two. Daddy covered

We're not talking about the Ryder companymore. No, that was at those points.

No, the comedies won.

We're not going to talk I think we.

Had Tommy one and McIlroy was the high point Communists.

Yeah, I mean you do, but it not for the football total. I mean we do acknowledge that you had plus one hundred europe to win and Rory to be a European's top score plus four fifty. Those aren't really you know, great bets. Where he went on on a limb, Larre plus four fifty, Yeah, there we go. It's Rory McElroy. So it was either him or John Rahm, just.

Because he's the one name you can pronounce.

Larry. I don't even know. I don't even know if he can.

Mkilroy.

Plus four fifty is a big going out on a limb, don't you think.

Congratulations Larry, Proud of you, Larry.

And we're not counting them in the unit.

No, it's in the other units, Larry, I got more units in the other units too, Like you want to talk about that all day. Shay has baseball units.

I don't want to talk about I don't. I don't want to talk about units that were one before football season. But I thought we kept units units football.

Okay, Well we'll count your fucking don't care.

I don't, I don't need them.

No, you just complained and wind about it.

I didn't know. I didn't get them.

You're like a step chot the person I'm hearing about it. Do you talk to Ray? Does Ray keep secrets? Did you tell does Larry know about the system here of how you're counting these units?

Larry, you know this. We've talked about it probably eight or nine times.

In the show, well really a lot.

We had like a twenty minute conversation argument about it too.

Not me and you, no, not us mate on the show.

On the show, literally right here, Larry recorded, Larry, I.

Got the document. He and then I'll look that one up because I thought we were just starting at zero football football season starts. But you still get the bet whatever you want.

Yes you do, but it's just being kept in a separate category anything non football.

We're still talented on that, by the way, side bed on side.

Bets, biggest who does the best during football season for non football bets like that? Actual Actually, speaking of F one, I have to make a clarification. I caught some some heat from my source when apparently I went and I'll take the fall for this, Ray. It's not your fault at all. That I went to three and f one last week. It is actually two and three.

Is this the moroccan or the roommate.

Or two four three? This is the roommate?

Ok, I got it. Not the Moroccan is not the same as the roommate. The Moroccan is a different person than.

The different person.

Got it?

One works at the bodega.

And one doesn't like you.

Yeah, well less than a week ago. But yeah, I had to make that clarification. You know, I heard all about it.

Is there anything else that you guys need to recamp?

Let's see.

I'm glad, I'm speed Dan.

Now I this is gonna be a sob story and then you're gonna feel like we're out to get you. I just don't want to get down this road.

All I have is all I have is football this week, So it doesn't matter, okay.

Dan, Actually I do have a one recap thing I decide. I faded all the Kelsey Mahomes props against the Jets. Yeah, hit all of those, except I parlated with the under in the game. Brutal.

Yeah, what was it payout there?

It's like, are a unit to win twelve hundred?

Oh Jesus Christ? Yeah?

Plus I think it's plus twelve hundred plus thirteen hundred.

Let's turn our attention to this week's games, starting with Tonight's game, because that's a big one for the show with Paulie. If the Bears lose, then Paullie misses out on Meet Friday tomorrow and then the following Friday as well until they win a game. But Dylan made a

Yeah, I'll take the spread. I'm not gonna, you know, just give him those lop sided odds over a tattoo bet. That seems a little especially if Texas is favorite.

And he's going to get a tattoo of the Dan Patrick Show on his neck. Yes, if if Texas loses.

Texas, he has Texas. If Texas covers six and a.

Half, then you get the tattoo. Are you gonna get a Dan Patrick tattoo? No? No, no, bread Man, Breadman.

Bread Yeah.

Yeah, so he's got that. He was like like a white bread or white.

Bread, Yeah, maybe a sour dough.

That actually would make a lot of sense.

A pumpernickel.

And you do have tattoos already that are questionable.

I do.

Yeah, this will actually probably be the most thought that's gone into one of my tattoos. You have an oyster, oyster, I have a fish in a trench coat smoking a pipe sea urchin. Okay, the RoboCop that's my favorite.

Yeah, Ray, So with the fish in the pipe? That was Northwestern? Who who they played Nebraska last year? Me and Dylan were at the bar and he won his bet, and he's like, all right, getting a tattoo. We just walked over right away, took the money he won out of DraftKings, got a tattoo, Simple as that, right out of the book.

See the problem with tattoos, Danny. My tattoos are much more like prison ready, right.

That is.

Exactly like if Dylan and I both go inside, like I'm gonna be fine, My people will find me, everything will be all right. We know it's gonna be. Dylan's gonna be holding pockets in the corner and Commisara's coming through.

And you say you have the haircut for those people. Yes, yeah, no, I'll be fresh meat. They'll be like, oh nice, flamingo and.

Boy, yeah, here's a pipe for you. Here's a couple of pipes. All the whole room's in there. WHOA Okay, how you doing bad? Layr?

I'm doing good.

Okay.

A little break, A little break on the road. Damn, I pulled off the road. I'm on my way to mate.

Wait, I thought you were stopping in.

No, it was I'm not a good hour and a half. I love you by now. I'm on an eighty four.

Okay, but you did say okay, they lied. You did say you were going to stop in again.

I didn't say I was going to stop in. I thought I was going to Maine. I was going to go through Milford. But you were a couple hours. I was an hour and a half ago.

Okay, wait, hold on here, let's take inventory. Didn't We talked to Larry last week and Larry said he was going to stop in. He's going to do the show, but he couldn't stay, couldn't go drinking.

Yeah, okay, drinking it. Yeah. If I stopped, I was going to just get back in the car and go. And I want to get to mate.

Well, you can't hang out those without drinking for thirty minutes, Larry.

The timing didn't work. I'm way beyond Milford.

All right, fair enough, okay, Dylan, let's resume our regularly scheduled program here. So bets for this week, starting with college football.

Alrighty, Dan, So I got Arkansas State plus sixty and a half against Troy, be fading them every single game this season, which is worked. They didn't work last week, but it's been working out actually pretty well. All Right, they're frauds, right, three units on the Purdue. Iowa under thirty nine also did me dirty last week. But if you have a system in place, Dan, you have to maintain it.

Seven of the last ten games under for Iowa.

Yeah, okay, Arizona plus twenty one and a half against USC okay, USC, and it's scare. Last week with Colorado, they looked like they were going to blow them out, and then yeah, they kind of they'll let teams get back in the game, kind of.

Like Kansas City Chiefs. Yeah, you know, don't blow anybody out.

They score a lot of points and then let other teams score points. Okay, and then LSU minus five and a half against Miszoo. Okay for NFL. I got the Bills minus five against the Jags at nine in the morning or whatever time that is Vikings money line against the Chiefs plus one seventy. I think they're four and a half point dogs afternoon game. This seems like a letdown spot.

This is a Kirk Cousins.

This is a This is a four hundred passing yard game for Kurk and Ravens minus four against the Stillers. This one gives me pause because Ravens' favorites and in Pittsburgh is tough.

But the Steelers are bad and it's a rivalry game, the rivalry game. All Mike Tomlin does is win never a losing season see the coaching equivalent or Jimmy Garoppolo. That old Jimmy does.

Is win never anything remarkable except.

They did win a super Bowl. Yeah after that, I went to a super Bowl. It showed out.

Yeah, wait did he win? Did he win there? With Bill Cowers players?

Correct?

Yes?

Correct? Wow? Marv Marvin off the top rope there? I don't all right anything else?

Yeah, So I have the parlay that we also went over on the show today. Dan Under in the Red River rivalry sixty and a half. This is a big time shootout game usually, but I see like ninety people are on.

The over, so I have to on the shootout.

On the shootout mark, yes on it being a lot of points, but it's not a shoot rivalry. It's the shootout. The game will be a shootout, right, Okay, Yeah, you're right. And Texans Falcons under forty one, Colts Titans under forty three, and Cowboys Niners under forty five okay, and then f one Dan of course, fresh off the hot week last week, Lando Norris podium finished minus one forty Charles Lecree podium

I bet that. Okay, that's in a separate category.

I believe it or not. Was able to figure out the division.

That there was a separate Yes, unlike bad Larry. That seemed like a fake laugh by U, Larry, So it was you have something else.

Yeah. Also, since I mean I already have a tattoo on the line, I'm going to do Oklahoma plus six and a half.

For two unitsaging son of a bitch.

Yeah, I go, I don't. I don't have my bets, Dan, I go go in all right?

Uh shay, Yeah, Danny, got some good old fashioned American gambling here for you. I got the Rolling Baptist laying three against the hero of Texas. That would be Liberty versus Sam Houston. Got. I got hook them dot Com back splash my homepage against the meth headscrab b Texas Oklahoma.

There's no meth in Texas either.

Texas State not like Oklahoma. You ever been in Oklahoma? They got trailers full of that ship. I had a whole factory they got it.

Oh no, I know, I know. It's worse.

It's way worse, dude. At least we get the cocaine stops in Dallas, we just consume it all. And then north of that it's all meth.

It's all meth.

I thought, it's don't meth with Texas, don't meth. Yeah, okay, Mike, Texas State against the double l's plus two and a half. I got Pig Sue laying or actually plus eleven and a half against the Confederates. And then I got the Twinkies plus one thirty six against the Cheaters. Okay, now once again that would be in a separate category, correct, And I do want to add one NFL bet. I didn't like the card whatsoever, but I do like the Jags plus five against the josh All.

Okay, this was a rough uh board week.

I do too. It's a weird Sunday. It's a weird bad Larry.

Okay, you want college first, Dan, And yes, like the first week ever that Dylan and I aren't going against each other. And I don't even think Shay and I have anything. We're going against christ this week. So I got Tech plus six and a half against Western Kentucky. I got Texas A and M plus the three against Alabama.

Oh no, no, it's one and a half and is getting one and a half.

Larry, you know what a little more than that's good. Let it's just change that to one and a half so I don't mess up next week. Okay plus one and a half.

You can get the lines from Ray before you make these picks.

I sent the pics. I did it this morning before I left. It was probably eight o'clock.

I was up early, Dan, Okay, Rad gets up with like fucking five am.

We were here hours before that, Larry, all Right, I saw the little comment about I won't be up till ten forty to respond to it. But that's okay. Colorado minus the four and a half against Arizona State, and I got Notre Dame minus the six and a half against Louisville.

It's six out of that one. There you go.

Okay.

Then in the pros, I got the Commander Tonight minus five and a half against the Bears, six minus six against the Bears, yes, okay. I got the Jets is it plus one and a half against the Broncos, Yes, okay. I have the Saints plus the same one and a half against the Patriots.

You get one, okay.

I got the Rams plus four and a half against the Eagles.

Yes.

And I got the forty nine Ers minus the three and a half against Shay's Cowboy Okay, don't blame you.

That's not a bad bad I don't blame you.

Okay.

The Cowboys always get dogged by the Niners, at least in recent history.

Recent fuck recent that's a ninety yeah, dude, or since fucking Joe Montana. That stupid catch like it's not it's been bad.

No, no, it's been relaxed.

Okay.

You guys won three Super Bowls at the hands of the forty.

Nine, and the one we lost was because we lost to the fucking Niners in the NFC Championship game. We should have won four in a row. That's because they'll stop. That's only because Dion went over there. And you guys should have won more because Jerry Jones and Jimmy Johnson couldn't you know, Barry Switzer, I could have coached that

Wait, it all sounds like you google it.

Hold on DP. That's the first time we've heard out of all the cursing. That's when he says, excuse my language.

Well, I have to be a better example to all you, eh, theist, that's the problem. I'm here to. I'm here to prosely I gotta preach here?

Is that what the pamphlets are?

Fun? Have fun in hell? That's all the paper says, have fun in hell. See, shan Irvy, you.

Can't escape the rats, right right, You're.

All going to be there together, how nice? And I'll be the ones selling air conditioning units in the corner that you ain't got no money. You are not going to heaven first class ticket, Ninny.

Now it sounds like you'll be selling fucking AC units in hell.

Yeah, why why are you selling AC in heaven? Well, I'm still a capitalist, Danny, not a comedy will you'd be selling it in hell? Right, Well, that's where all the money is. You have to go weeping and gnashing of teeth for eternity, Danny.

Oh god, honestly it sounds way more fun.

See you get born again, and then you think born again, Danny, it was born into this irving texts. Then you're some option we have here, maybe, but but then you you end up, you know, washing away all your sins and then hallelujah, Yeah, like everything all the bad things you did, and you got to do that every morning.

And wash them away with Yes.

Marvin, were they allowed to dance in Irving, Texas.

Uh No, was like yeah, no dancing. There was no booze. It was a dry town.

Only meth.

There's a lot of cocaine, a whole lot of cocaine, a lot of meth, a lot of crack. Fantastic.

Wait, so no dancing, but there was meth.

Yeah. Well it wasn't really a med thing back then. It was a cocaine thing. You'd get a bird down there for twelve and a half. Back then, that ship was everywhere, fantastic. A bird, a bird, yeah, A kilo A kilo. Yeah, Now you're up here, Danny. We're talking thirty three and a half for a kilo. That's ridiculous. Thirty three one hundred thirty. Yeah, you chopped that in half and started adding a couple of years further from the three rocket Marvin, that's what you gotta do.

Unfortunately, I know people that are in the business also, So give.

Me, give me a twelve ton press and a couple of CDs, and I'll make you some money.

Freezer.

How did you get in trouble if you grew up in a footloose style of parents want very good at their job. I mean, that's for sure. I was definitely left alone, way too much, kind of just you know, daddy ROMs Danny.

Yeah, I'm nerving Texas.

The crack is fantastic, Yes, crack your sins. Your sins have been forgiven already. Absolutely. No, you got to read the book, Danny. It gives you all the answers right there.

I read that book and there's not a goddamn answer in there.

All right, you clearly didn't read the book. Gud.

Yeah, you're going to hell.

Can't wait? Which book? Did you read? The old one or the new one? I read the old one. Yeah, we're all in trouble.

I think the old one is the real one, right.

No, no, it's not.

Absolutely you may as well read Harry Potter.

Okay, you know, if you know, the best part is like, when I'm in heaven, they're going to play this back to me just to make me feel yeah, and they're gonna be like they're all in hell. You did so good, thank you Jesus. No, but you did do well. If we're all in hell. No, I did great. What do you mean I didn't succumb. I didn't succumb to the backwards, but you didn't help us bring out I tried. I tried. You're all quitters.

That's a problem, big part of Christianity. You got a witness, amen? Yeah, so put on like uh that Jesus h Latter Day Saints.

No, whoa whoa whoa whoa. Apostates, Apostles do not do that. Why do you think Mitt Romney lost the election? He's an apostate evangelical wouldn't give it around him because he doesn't make any sense. Mormons think, Danny, you're gonna get mad at this. Mormons think that God is a counsel of God's and that when you die, you can go to your own planet. And they also wear special underwear when they go on their ceremonies. Danny, it is you know, they're going to hell.

Danny, And that sounds way less plausible than the other on te.

See, I think I'd be like Jim Baker with Jessica Haun, I would too. What do you mean, Yeah, Jim Baker's going to heaven hundred percent. He might have been a crook, but the guy believes even Jim Baker. Y'all are judgmental. Let me tell you, yes, but there's a final judgment day. It's not my job I'm to help.

If you believe, can you do as much bad ship as you want?

Well, it depends on what you want. What does that mean you want? Like if you're a flawed man. We're all flawed people, we all believe that, right, But if you're continuously being a dirt bag for fun just so you can repent later at night, No, that ain't. That ain't genuine. They ain't falling for that ship.

Smarter than if Bill Cosby was like, whoa, you know, all of a sudden, I turned myself over to God.

After raping all those womens. Yeah, go to prison to prison.

Right, and then got out on a technicality? Did he you don't remember, I don't remember why you got They were like, they used uh this evidence in the civil case that in the deal was basically like if they used it for that, they wouldn't it would be inadmissible in the criminal case. And they use it anyways, then they just dug it out.

D A just fucked up.

They just fucked up, and he walked.

Yes, Mark, there's so much to use tomorrow for the show. There's just so much we can use, right.

Clip Shy say saying Bill Cosby's going to heaven.

No, I didn't say that. I never said going to heaven.

You just did.

He probably is more banter like this Shaye and Irvings podcast. It's available wherever you get your podcast. Yeah, it's gonna get word the evangelical that you Yeah, hallelujah. Yeah that's me.

They're like crucifixes and over your house.

Absolutely not, that's a that's an idolatry. We don't do that ship.

That's false idol.

Absolutely right. Yeah. That's in the Bible several times, not just the Tech Commandments. It's in there several times oldly in new Larry, Larry, anything you need to say before we say goodbye. I know you're on the road to main I'm just.

Started driving again. No, all you gotta do is repent right before you die and all that stuff to be forgiven. Say, I'll meet you in heaven.

Thank you. I can't wait to see you. Sure that I can't wait to see you.

Amendy's version of hell is getting there and see.

All the escalator up. What the fuck are you doing here? Man?

You two are gonna playing shuffleboard for all of eternity.

Thank you, Larry. A pleasure, guys, Enjoy Larry It's Bad, Larry on the Road, Shay and Irving Podcast wherever you get your podcasts for a Dylan the Graphics Guy, Marvin Picture, de Ray, Shae and Irving. I'm Dan Patrick. Dan Patrick takes a gamble. We'll talk to you next week.