Episode 132: Do I look Fat In This Tux?

Gambling was something that I did.

This is Dan Patrick takes a gamble.

One of my bookies died at the Kitchen Table, a podcast vehicle for Dan to talk about his love of gambling. One bet, another bet, another bet.

Without doing the actual gambling.

You're a coward.

It's easy to have a scapegoat.

And now joined by Bad Larry, Shayan Irving, and Dylan the graphics guy.

I have friends.

Here's Dan Patrick.

I'm there, Okay, Larry is here. We're ready to go. We're putting the finishing touches on this. We got Shy and Irving, we got Dylan the graphics guy. We got producer Ray Picture Day Ray, Bad Larry and yours truly and Dan Patrick takes a gamble. How's morale? How's shaye? Let me go to start with you. How you doing feeling? Okay? No, not at all?

Oh that's right. Cowboys lost pretty badly. Yeah, they and I don't see a fix the defensive line. I just read today as the least double teamed D line interior D line in the NFL.

Well, this is when Michaeh. Parson is supposed to get off his podcast or maybe get on a quarterback.

Yeah, but if you don't have anybody interior that can get double, then Mike is getting doubled every time, no matter what. That's an issue.

Dylan Hell's moron.

Honestly not great either, Dan, I got hosed last week with everything almost.

You lost six units last week?

Yeah, college, I did? I did?

Okay, let me recap. Shay won three units last week, boom, but still had a bad weekend, and Bad Larry lost one unit, so he is at zero.

You would you rather, Shay? Would you rather win money or the Cowboys win?

Cowboys win? I lose money all the time, Bad Larry.

How you feeling?

I'm feeling good, Dan, though those first two weeks in the NFL were unbelievable. Anyone who plays any survivor pools probably out. I know, yeah, every I mean that the Bengals are Bengals Cincinnati.

That's friend beal in.

How do they lose to the Patriots? Maybe the Patriots aren't as bad as everyone thinks. I'm shorten m again this week, though.

Okay, what's the worst loss though? The Bengals to the Patriots at home or the Ravens to the Raiders at home?

Raiders rav and I think there's more question marks with the Bengals. It was a wider spread too. Its eight and a half nine raiders, right, and.

There were ten points up in the fourth or second half, fourth quour or maybe yeah, points up at home and you lose as a nine point favorite. That's crazy.

Well that's Blaine got that pick. I mean, Lamar has a lot of fucking talking, like explain it to do. It's not he ain't Dak two point zero.

He's worse, and you guys did on the show today.

But they either have or Lamar jacks Dak all day.

Absolutely, absolutely, even with the reconstructed knee.

Absolutely, Okay, I disagree, but we're also both biased.

So yeah, oh that's right, you're Baltimore Fins.

But that last play of that game when they did the started latering it, he had he had a lot of daylight.

Oh I know. Absolutely. The public is eleven twenty and one against the spread this season, second worst through the first two weeks of a season since two thousand and three, so something is, uh, something's amiss here.

I actually have a theory, Dan, as the proliferation of gambling has sort of taken over. I feel like it's people, it's the books are just gonna get sharper and sharper against the public. Like back in the day, there's a lot less data and a lot less money coming in to kind of like mess with the lines and information for Vegas. So I feel like it's just gotten harder, Okay, or I'm bad at.

It, I think, right. I think that's true with the NFL completely.

Yes, NFL is bettings fucked.

Yeah, NFL bettings the hardest. I think it's the hardest besides baseball.

It's such a small ample and so many people better. That's why, like people who do it for a living bet on like early season fucking mac college basketball money.

Yeah. But even when I'm watching the Falcons, yeah, you know with that that game that they're down twenty one to fifteen, right, the over under was five and a half, So I'm thinking Falcons probably aren't going to score and it's gonna end up twenty one to fifteen. They're good.

I was doing some rain Man level spread math at the end of that game, trying to figure out how I could win that bat and then and I did that. I bet on the Eagles and then cashed it out. When all the analysts picked the Eagles and then I switched to the Falcons right before the game.

Smarter man than me.

Let me see recapping you said you got Hose, but who cares.

Iowa Dan, Yeah, problem, that's over. That's also an overteam, now.

You guys, you guys also showed that did that look in with that Troy app State game. That's the infamous game that uh spurned my hatred for Troy.

Yeah, that that was the last second app State. Yeah, Maria Mario said, hey, congrats, you.

Called me and I didn't pick up his phone call, and then he texted me like it's over. It's like five minutes left in the fourth and that's bad.

You can never do that. No, never ever.

Congratulate excited to doing that. Just wait till there's zeros on the clock and then you can do that.

Bat Larry, anything you want to recap from last week.

No, I'm pretty happy being flat right now. I've got two half point losses, got app State ECU was on I was on the wrong side of that, and one in week one, I lost another game by half a point. I'm pretty comfortable here, I am, and uh Shay, you're taking the lead, say right, Chase.

Leader A little bit dude that ASU. I like that, Thank you Layer. The ASU game fucked me right in the corn hole. Total was fifty nine and a half that I got. It was like sixty on the show, forty two points in the first half, Danny forty two in the number states.

Now that's ah a night that night. Uh you see anything else that needs to be meant? How did our guest booker or bookie do, Kelly? Yeah, she did all right that for new game? She was fucking well.

Yeah, and she had got a car out of state too, Yeah, did have k state.

I mean she did talk a good game.

Yeah. She also had the titles which I had, which.

She looked a good game and she talked a good game. Yes, right, well threat right.

It's funny the three games that she said she thought about taking but said it not to take one three and oh.

That's the worst.

Yeah, classic.

You always gotta go with your gun. Yeah, I mean it's like taking the s A T.

As soon as you.

Change your answer, you drunk and just our guessing.

Yeah, yeah, I did do that. First time I took the act didn't do well at all, and then I thought, you know what, I'm going to switch this up and I'm just going to stay out all night and then I'm going to go in at eight in the morning. And then I ended up getting a decent enough number to get into a college.

Some of your best work gets done.

The second time I took the ACT, I was doing acid the whole day before the night, Dacaulis style, and I wasn't like tripping tripping, you know, but right at the end of a trip, the way you feel, the way you're thinking. Yeah, I think it helped a lot. I mean it did. I did all right.

I nailed the vocabulary section. Fucking failed everything.

Verbal through the roof. Just no math for you. Yeah, Badler, you took the ACT.

No acts there. I took the SATs once did fine, never took them. I mean you didn't study for there were no there are no pretests or SAT classes back then. Just went in obviously hungover. I was like seventeen, and uh, I had no problem with them.

It is a hilarious thing that everyone has to do. They're like, take this fucking pointless test and then determine yeah, where you're like college.

Yeah where, yeah, where you're gonna go to school?

Yeah, And then you wind up going to Providence. You ended up eating your wife the Harvard of Providence. You really it changes people like look at college and they go, yeah, I don't know where I'm going to go, but it's going to change your life. Yeah, chances are change your life. Yes, get married, friend's job.

All of those arrests a certain state laws very Yeah.

Which treatment center you end up at? Like all kinds of things?

How many treatment centers have you been at? Three thirty days, twenty eight, twenty eight days.

The first one I only lasted like ten days. You know.

The twenty eight day thing is an insurance thing. Yeah, that's like the whole it's based in nothing but like insurance wanting to pay less for people to go there.

Have you been in treatment? No?

I haven't actually pussy well, yeah, busy here did I just fucking beat?

You haven't done enough? That's what it means.

You haven't been in a treatment center. Have you?

No?

No?

No treatment?

Then?

Damn? I knew my wife in high school. She's not a Providence girl.

Thank god, because those girls when she in high school while you were at Providence.

Only a year younger, six months younger.

All right, I've heard stories about you at Providence larr uh.

Oh, there's there's plenty of them out there.

Well, not plenty that I just heard too. So, but I'm just letting people.

Know that Larry, remember that time you killed the guy.

I'm trying to let our audience know that you are interesting. There are interesting things about you.

But I think you've got to hang out with Larry in person to get the full Yeah.

Yeah, it's Arry vibe at all. It's a vibe.

Yeah, I'm coming by Sunday. I'm gonna be driving home.

It doesn't why, I don't care.

I don't care. Oh no, it might not be a podcast, dam but you might get a fighting I.

Like in the woods House you're going to do?

Yeah, just might show up or I'll let him know where I am. Shane Dillen. If I'm staying over Sunday night, you guys will know, all.

Right, Shay said, we can go over to his for dinner.

No, you cannot.

He's inviting you to his had him daughter's wedding shade. At least you can do is have him over for dinner.

Yeah, it's true.

Yeah, but I can't set another table for three more The thrupple that Larry brings with him. If it's just Larry.

When I plan on coming too, so then but that'll even Larry's three in my one are like two couples.

Not doing it. I can't do it again. It was too emotional, right, yeah, the first time going over to your house, way too much. I get it.

No sequel and yeah, you can't stop it.

I cannot. Well I can, but I don't want to because we know something bad could have here we go again. I mean, the roommates still talk right in front of you.

It's so much bullshit, like right in you know, she said, she was like.

Wow, he's really got a presence about it. Like what the fuck. He's really tall. It's like we're the same height.

Like she didn't give a ship about me.

No disrespect to you, but the bar has to be so low that like a fucking Cretan could go in there and may have a shot.

He's got game. Yeah. The roommate's good looking.

It's a good looking one chance game.

Yes. And and his wife is pretty and she's funny, she can cook good, kiss her not with me.

I knew I shouldn't have gotten the wine out of the fridge.

I knew I should have left kissing.

She's sharding it up there the kissing. W Okay, Okay, let's let's go to this week, Shay. Since you're on.

Top, they uh total top Danny as opposed to you. Disco bottoms over here, pass around bottom, Here we go, here we go at least generate all the he did he pass around?

Okay. Here's something that I found a little strange. They find a thousand bottles of glube and baby oil. Meanwhile, there's three a AR fifteens in there, and nobody says anything like, oh my god, like they're more bothered by lube and baby oil.

Is wow, I understand thecuous amount of lube though you've been.

Under investigation for a year. You don't think maybe I get rid of nine hundred bottles and all the.

Guns, and the guns with the serial numbers scraped up, like what the fuck? Or maybe you know what it is. Massad put bombs in all the bottles of loube, I think, and they talked to the government.

Hey, massades pretty much undefeated.

Right, I mean, that's just one of.

The greatest operations in the history of fucking covert intelligion.

I don't even know how you do that.

They intercepted the pages that came from China. But yeah, and then loaded them with plastic explosives and set them out.

Yeah, that's I don't think now. I've been around a couple of agents before massads.

Fuck that, no, thank you.

But I didn't know they were until after the fact. I was told of a ship movie set with Sandler. Somebody was protecting somebody on the Sandler not Sandman.

No, but it had to be a sand Rooms really. Yeah, retired because Tom Cruise.

Oh yeah, I just remember there were two guys had guns and outside of her trailer and my trailer was next to hers, and I'm like, uh, Sandman, there's guys with guns. It's like, Danny, don't mess with them. I'm like, okay, agents there they were retired.

Yeah, I never retired from massage. They're killing people right now. Okay, here we go. All right, let's go.

All right.

I got the Woke Eagles laying three against Archie. H yeah, I got the uh the I got Army. I got army.

Of course you got army.

You're an American, right, Uh, laying six against the Owls. I got the Midshipman. It was plus ten. That was plus nine and a half against Memphis. This is just a great spot, let down spot for Memphis has been cooking a little too much at Navy and Army and even more American Danny, I'm back on the real Baptist plus two against the Heathens. So you got Baylor plus two. And then tonight it hurts me, it's sad. But up state lane seven against South Alabama.

You I thought you're a big fan of South.

I am a huge fan, but I don't think they can keep up with that state.

Smart now with your heart, uh huh okay.

And then I got the condoms leven five and a half versus the New York Jews.

Wait, hey, what are we doing with condoms?

Trojans?

Trojans? Oh USC versus Michigan.

And then the New York shoot Michigan, right us kids from the Northeast. Everybody knows that that is actually true.

It's true.

Uh, parlay it. We got the We got the government, parlay, Army money line, Navy money line, and then Auburn money line plus eight fifty. That's college football.

Okay. Uh, I'll come back to you. Okay, let's go to bad Larry your college football picks.

Okay, I have Upstate minus the seven. What's the line down seven or seven and a half in South Alina seven and a half?

Yep?

Okay, Outstate minus is seven and a half against South Alabama.

Yeah.

I got Coastal Carolina getting the three and a half against Virginia. South Carolina minus a twenty eight against Akron. Okay, I want the over in the JMU North Carolina game. I think it's forty eight.

Yep.

And then I want Michigan plus the five against USC.

How about a round of applause for Larry getting their points?

Spits way go Larr Bear.

Yeah, all right, thank you guys.

Dylan your college football picks.

Yes, sir Dan, I'm staying with my trend of trying to bet less games and think more about them. I got San Jose State plus twelve against Wazooka. I am a Minnesota under thirty five. These are the two unstoppable forces or immovable objects actually.

But they're an offensive powerhouse. Yeah.

I don't know what Kirk farns if he's they're.

Averaging thirty two points a game.

Yeah, that was like their average, or that was their total through the whole season last year. But yeah, but I have a system, so I'm sticking to you. I got UCLA plus twenty four against LSU. That LSU team is bad, ray and I actually watched the game. But you can run up the middle all day long and twenty four points. I mean, I know UCLA sucks, but if they win, everyone in LA gets six free wings

Was the Latino community. Once again.

Indiana crushed Ucla.

Yeah, Indiana, I got under five and a half wins on UCLA this year.

Yeah, that looks fantastic right now?

Maybe that was Actually it's wise for Chip Kelly to abandoned ship.

Yeah, isn't it funny anywhere?

Funny to say UCLA is the worst team in the Big Ten? Doesn't it?

He's just saying sorry if it's true, but it is weird. Actually, all right, what else do you go?

I got South Florida plus sixty and a half against Miami. Everyone loves Miami and they are very good. But take the interstate rivalry the points.

Okay, Heisman Canada right there?

Yeh cam Ward, all right, Shay Nfl.

All right, I don't like any of this shit. Danny Chargers plus one and a half against the Steelers. I got the Titans laying two against the Packers, and I'm back on Baker. I don't understand what's going on with the market and Baker Tampa laying six and a half against the Broncos. Okay, we'll take that shit.

Yeah, I'll watched the Broncos last week. It should be double that.

And then I got the Mini Men versus the Teamsters. That's plus three. And I got the Browns laying six and a half against the Higuantes.

That's it, Okay, bad Larry NFL.

Picks Okay, a two unit two team teas the Jets and to pick them tonight, and the Browns minus to half a point. So two team teas are for two units and then one units on the rest of these. I want the Ravens minus one. I'm sorry, Shad. Yeah, the Ravens are owing.

To the Ravens.

Are They're not going to be going three?

Yeah?

Yeah, I want one unit on the over in the Jags Bills game.

At forty five, forty five and a half.

Forty five and a half, and I want one unit on the Rams plus the seven against the forty nine.

Wow, Larry, Yeah, bringing some noise.

Explain that, Layer, Explain that for me.

I've taken the little no I'm kind of I were disappointed in the forty nine ers, and I think seven points in the NFL this year for sure. All right, it'll be a three point forty nine win.

Okay, all right, Matthew Stafford's been getting hit like a motherfucker sack like like total Yeah.

Carlos beat the Brakes off the offensive line from the there.

The no wide receivers ain't great. Let's see if Sean McVay can be a genius.

All right, all right, I have a sprinkling little parley and money line Dogs, Patriots money line against the Jets, tonight Giants money line against the Browns, Eagles money line against the Saints, and Packers money line against the Titans fifty one. How does it lose?

Oh? My god, just like every other one.

This one's actually probably this has more of a chance of losing than most of them. But I actually do like I like the Giants at least to cover the spread against the Browns. And I think the Eagles say, like everyone, the Saints took more money on them to win the Super Bowl over the last week than any other team by far.

It's a bad recipe.

I got the Texans mins two against the Vikings justin Jefferson's banged up, and I think the little Vikings Cinderella story is gonna dwindle a little bit. Okay, Dolphins plus four and a half against the Seahawks. I actually do like the Seahawks, but I don't know. I still think the Dolphins team is decent. Sands to he wasn't exactly playing great beforehand, so I'll take the points and then lake Larry. I also have the Ravens minus one against the Cowboys.

Yeah.

I don't blame anybody here. I hate what is Derrick Henry gonna do to the interior line of the Dallas Cowboy.

I feel like the Cowboys hate playing at home too.

They just they were great at home until the last two games, that's for sure. It's a transient town though Dallas is a soulless town is La without a notion. There's not like a real closer. No, there isn't. And Arlington is like forty five minutes west of Dallas, Like it ain't close to Dallas. Yeah, and it's closer to

That actually sounds great.

Great, dude, Dylan's writing this down.

Now, Dan that I'll remember, all right?

Anything else?

So yeah, Ravens minus went against the Cowboys and then Commanders plus seven and a half against the Bengals, who sorry, the Redskins plus seven and a half against the Bengals on Monday. I believe the Bengals are the sportsbook's biggest liability of the week to not cover all right with all right side with them if they stand to lose a bunch of money in terms of the outcome.

Shane and Irving podcast did a show last night. Danny got real weird.

It always does.

Yeah, this one was fantastically weird hour and a half show. I don't know what happened.

Yeah, Dan, are you still gonna pop on there one of these days?

He did?

I did.

Yeah, it was the highest listen show.

Yeah obviously, Well that's when I went over to head dinner.

Yeah, I forgot. I forgot about the podcast.

It was really your podcast that night. Yeah, I was.

I guess my question is more like, are you gonna go do like it? In the style of the usual Shane Irving podcast In terms of content and vibe.

It was pretty raw.

I whatever he brought up, whatever I brought up, We just know. Whatever you brought up. I did bring up a lot of things punches because it was not a home field advantage. And it was so great because I'm like, God, I've got him. He just moved in.

I just should have done it here like a more.

My kids, the roommate, the dog. Everybody was like, finally he's home.

It was bullshit. Yeah, our new daddy is home. Yeah, bullshit, can you be our real dad? It was? It was well, the two older ones, it felt like they were kind of bonding with me a little bit. Yeah, you know, there's softball and you know anyway, but the baby.

They've been a live long enough to know that this ain't it.

Baby, Stay away from the baby. Yeah, it's tough. Cook. There'll be a movie about her, there'll be a book about her.

Summer of Sam.

Yes, she is serious, she is, Shay, Yeah she is.

She was like, you had if if you weren't gonna have a guy, you were gonna have one girl that was at least kind of close to you.

And she's like, she's a humongous child, and she's our most violent child by far. It's just a recipe for that. She got kicked out of her first preschool. They called up the roommate. They were like, you got to come pick up this baby, pick her up now. Then we got her into a different preschool. She's been fine since, but she's she's got tendencies.

Yeah, at the daycare center, at Sing Sing.

Right, Bade Rikers, so wherever you get your podcast. Shae in Irving not Shae and Irving, Bad Larry. The wedding plan is still rolling along.

Yeah, everything's done, Dan, We're all set.

Is there going to be a or DG bachelor.

Party and the whatever those bridal thingschelorette party? They both just left today.

Wait are you not okay? Were you invited? And as you turned down the invite or were you never going.

I was definitely invited, but obviously I would my son's problems not problems, right situation, I had to turn it down.

I guess it's a good sign that he invited you.

They left for Tampa this morning. The boys and the girls are going. I think the girls are going to Key West. I'm not sure. You know what, I'm not even sure.

Pretty good blow.

We have a lot of time before the wedding.

Uh yeah, I guess six weeks or so, right.

Yeah, I gotta hit the fucking jim before you go to My seat's gonna be a little tight.

Yeah no, they tracksuit?

Yeah? Uh okay, Well that's it. We've done it. We've done another episode, and thanks to everybody involved in this it. Stan Patrick takes a gamble for bad Larry, for Dylan, the graphics guy, Shae in Irving Picture, de Ray and yours truly. We'll talk to you next week. Happy gambling, Thanks guy, Good luck y'all.

Larry