Relationship Status: It’s Complicated!

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I entitled tonight's talk relationship status. It's complicated tonight, the basis of my talk. It's about the fact that relationships have become so complicated in our society. But before I start, I want to tell you a little bit about a new event that we're gonna be hosting here a one time event bringing in a world renowned psychologist, psychotherapist from Jerusalem. His name is Dr Russell Romanelli. If you haven't had a chance to watch any of his videos, he's unbelievable. In his name is Dr Asa. El Romanelli is gonna be here on August 18th for a special three hour workshop. There's gonna be a limited amount of people that are gonna be allowed to attend it. He is. His work is transformative. So I just wanted to let you know about that. So let's get started with her talk. I think that we can all agree that in our world today and let's see what we're gonna call the free world, things have changed. Things have changed completely. And because things have changed, there is what I would call an intimacy crisis. I believe that women's live has done incredible things. The world has changed the world in every single way, for the better of. Besides, for one way, there's one thing that has been changed for the worst as a result of this, what they call from the seventies women's lib and that is relationships. Marriage, love. Long term relationships have been changed completely. Today we are afraid of intimacy. Yet Fascinatingly enough, we agonize over eight minutes. What better indication of this, then our use of euphemisms to describe what should be a very intimate relationship. So it used to be that when two people were going out, they called the dating heaven forbid in our society, for everyone to be dating, dating was a very important word, because if you're dating, it means that you are committed to another. And now it's not a commitment like the Big M word. Heaven forbid, but I want to say it. Marriage normal. Normal to say that word is toe too scary to say, but at least this process of dating allows us to know that there is somewhat or at this level off the relationship. There's somewhat off limits that, but what's happens in our world is we stopped beating today. We don't want to use these words because it means that we have to actually make that commitment. We'd rather swipe right and swipe left, because that's much easier when I set people up the most common question after I set someone up today, what is my most common question that I get? No, it's not even most common question. The most common question. Now I can set someone up on a date they're already planning on going out. Most common question is so let me let me backtrack. I set you up on a date. The two of you are going out already. You're planning on going out? What would be the next question someone would ask me, Huh? Whatever are single? They're already going out. This is all obvious. What should be the next question you ask that you would ask a matchmaker? Yeah. What do they look like? Let's say you already saw picture. Okay, eight times out of 10. This is my own survey. Because from my matches, eight times out of 10 on average, I get the following question. Do you have anyone else? Isn't that you were? What do you do? What do we do with a society that when they're actually even set out. The next question is, Do you have anyone else what's happened to our worlds? How did we become so removed from this whole idea of dating and really relationships to the point where we can't even see what we're in when we're in its And my answer to that is no, there's only one person in the world for you. That's my response. There is only going to be one person in the world for you. We have to stop thinking there's something better out there. We have to stop thinking that may be the next one's going to be a little bit a little back. It doesn't matter. Every single person is gonna have their nuances. Every single person is gonna have something right about that and maybe something we don't like about them. But we're not looking for Mr Wright's were looking for Mrs Right for me. We need to find the person who's right for us, and yet there's going to be some nuances that are going to be better or worse about that particular person. That's a reality and you know what? That's okay now, someone who is constantly looking for the next person. There will be a number of reasons and not going into all of the I'm not here to psychoanalyze your relationships, but what I like to just give us a couple basically ideas behind why someone would do that. The first thing is that it's a society just become a thing that people do, so that's a really easy thing to fix. You just stop doing that and then that's it. I was, uh, I used to like watching They used to film. The rebel used to stand for hours on Sundays, giving out dollar bills to people, and they would film every interaction. And it's amazing to see because people would have these five and 12th moments with the Rebekah and there was just amazing interactions and discussions. So I used to watch these interactions just out of curiosity, to see people coming to this great rabbi. What are they asking just to kind of get a glimpse into some of the things that were going on. So one time I was watching and I see a young woman approach the red and you could see that she's downtrodden and she said, and she turns to the river and says to him, I'm not a good person and you could see in her face that she's waiting in her few seconds for the rebel response she's waiting for, like this great sage that is going to give her this incredible advice that is going to change her life forever. He's gonna have all the right answers. Everything's gonna be perfect. And the rebels gonna set me on my way. So there ever looks at her and smiles and says in Yiddish, You're not a nice person And so she shakes her head and this is so be nice sometimes just calling the thing, calling it out and saying Yes, this is me. I have gotten into what society has created. I am a sheep in a world that has told me that I should just wipe to the next one, the next one, the next one, and I'm just gonna base my entire relationship status on a picture that may or may not be good. Most of us hate pictures of ourselves, so why would you think anyone else would have a good picture if you don't have a good picture of yourself? So We're basing it all on a picture. We're all we're basing it all on just next one next one next one. Do you have someone else for me? So sometimes with the just take a step back and say that doesn't work, that's not gonna work. I'm not saying that no one has actually gotten into a long term relationship, but it's not conducive to long term relationships. It's not creating long term relationships. On the contrary, I think it's doing the opposite. It's creating where I just want to see what's the next thing. It's almost feeding a emotional desire that we have to just move on from the next to the next the next. So as a result of this, we stopped using the word dating, and now it became the word going out. We're going out. I go on all the time today. When I left my house to come here, going out today, when you left, wherever you relieving to come here, you were going out. I mean, essentially every single time you walked from one door that's inside to another tour that's outside. You are going out and most of the time you're going out with your favorite significant other. It's called yourself. Nobody can be as good to you as yourself. The ultimate euphemism is today I see it. So I hear it so often. Somebody recently just said, Rabbi, I want to tell you this person that I met, we are now seeing each other. We're seeing each other. I'm saying, Well, that's funny, cause I see her also. No, I see her all the time. I see all of you know, Does that mean that we're all seeing each other? What does that mean? How removed from reality Are we gonna get What's the next step? Now that we're all seeing each other? Like, how can we just like now we're just going to We're gonna vibe each other, You know? Rabbi hit two of us reviving. Uh oh. Are. Or, you know we are. We are PM each other private message. That's it. You know im PM in this girl's Oh, so that means I guess that your how How long? What's the next level? I don't know. What is this shocking and difficult idea of just going it that were actually committed? There's We're not saying that we're getting married We're just saying that we're dating that we're committed to one another. No, no, no, because it could be. There's someone else better out there. And as long as you're someone else better out there, I don't want to really make a commitment. Now we are and abused society. This all has a real effect on us. It hasn't affected us to the point where we don't even realize is having an effect on us. And if I could do one thing tonight for you without having to shock you to the court, I want to shake you up a little bit. And I want you to think of your internal narrative and ask yourself real questions. What is it that I am really looking for in my life? What am I really looking for? What do I want? For example, if you are extremely career oriented, good on you. But it may be that at this point in your life, you don't have enough time to be also relationship oriented. It's OK what I want to do. Just call it out right now. Dear me. Dear God, dear whoever, dear. However, I am focusing on my career and that's okay for me right now, but what happens is we try to do everything. We think that we can give 100% everything and as a result we get 100% of nothing. So when we just say right now in my life, I am completely career focused 100% of my time and energy is being given to my career, and as a result, I don't have 100% for a relationship which really needs my 100%. So maybe at another time I will have 100% for my relationship. And that will be a time that I'll be able to have a relationship. But what ends up happening is because we're not calling it up way. Just stay in this blah, blah stage for our entire lives. And we get to a point where we're already I don't know how many years and we look back and say we're of these years gone Well, thes years have been good years. Most of us have been successful during these years. It doesn't mean just because we're not in a relationship that were not successful. It just means that we've been focused on something that's really important to us. And it wasn't relationship again. It's your life is your choices. No one said You have to do that. It's OK, but what's more important is calling it and saying This is what I'm doing so that at some point you can look back and say, Wait, I have spent the past five years focused on my relationship. Maybe it's time I start focusing on something else in my life, okay? Growing My relationship is okay. I mean, my my career is OK now with focus on something else. Every so often I get those calls and it's either a call from a mom or it's a call from a particular individual. And I know the mom calls or whatever my talk with the mom calls, I get mom calls. Hello, I heard you make miracles. Do you have anyone for my daughter? Get him a lot? No, because the moms there reading my columns in the Canadian Jewish news, they think like you are very good advice for everyone now, my daughter. So every so often, I get a call from a young woman and you can hear the frantic the frantic nous on the other line. I'm not, You know, for those of you who have heard me before, you know, I'm an equal opportunity offender, not only gonna focus on women, but it happens to be that it's more more than more more women than men. And you see here like I have to find someone. Now that's basically what they're saying. I mean, in other words, and I say to them, When was your 30th birthday? Well, I'm using this as an example, and I'm not here to point fingers at people who are around their 30th birthday. That's not the point. What I want to say to this is that if you don't do this consciously, it's gonna creep up on you. You don't want to get to that point where you're making frantic phone calls where you don't know what to do with yourself, where you're just taking the next person that just moves. Oh, yeah, he's got a nose. That's okay. So the first step is being conscious. Say, this is where I'm at in my life right now, and maybe in a different stage, I'll be somewhere else. That's Homewood talks about a lot of different things And it also talks about how you should search for a wife. Fascinatingly enough that Tom would does not speak about women searching for men, but only men searching for women. A lot of people would think because the Tom Wood was written in the mail show of in this world. It's not true that Tom would believes that is the man that must search out the woman and not the woman searching out the man that is not normal is the man. That is it. How does that Tom would describe searching out a woman for marriage? Sorry. I'm using the Big M word. Tom Wood says you must search her out like you lost something valuable. Anyone ever lose their cell phone? How did you look for that phone? How did you look for it? What did you do? What did you do while you were looking for it? If you ever lose a ring a value or something else of value, how did you look for that? That is supposed to be how you look for your school. Another like you lost something. And the time. What has great reason for why it should be that way? it's because at birth the two of you were one and you were split in half this Israel and your souls came down into this world. And so you're not searching for someone who may or may not exist. You are finding someone who you were separated with at birth. And that's why that person, when you find them, they're gonna be familiar to you. They're gonna be obvious to you because you knew them. Before you're finding something you lost, you're not searching for something that may or may not exist. Finding something that you lost has a very different feeling that searching for something that may or may not exist if you know you lost it. If you know that it's really there once again, being conscious, that mindsets, you know that it's there. How many people come to me. There's nobody out there. Okay, you're right. I agree with you. There's no one out there for you. If that's how you think. If that's how you feel, I can't change that. If there's no one out there for you, don't clog up the system. Don't try. Just sit at home like a recluse. Binge watch Netflix and happy birthday. Go out and change your mind sets and say that I'm finding something I lost. Not something, but I'm finding someone that I lost. I lost 10%. I know that when I find them, it's gonna be right. Now let's get to hold on a second cause you're like, Yeah, that's right. When I find them, it's gonna be right. Here is the problem. The problem is two things. Number one is in our society. A lot of us have become desensitized. So we don't know if it's true that you had the great fortune or you currently have the great fortune of nuts being not have ever been in a relationship or being separated as maybe the very religious do from the different sexes. Then maybe you would have a very I mean way of seeing. So when the person when you found that distributed guess this is it, it's obvious the problem is today it's we've become so desensitized to relationships because we're all swiping right and swiping left, and we're doing whatever else that they're raise. And everything is just so nonchalant that we don't know what's right and wrong. We cannot and I'm get. I'm generalizing. I have no choice but to generalize because we're here in a group here in the room. But we don't know what's right and wrong anymore. We don't know who would be right for us, so we can't trust ourselves. So I ask you what I think is a profound question for yourself. How would you know when you find the right person that they're the right person? How would you know? Are they gonna have a sign on you on then? I am your other half. That would be easy. That came with a sign. I was driving down the 87 and there's a big billboard. This said, if you're looking for a sign, here it is. It was advertising. The sign was good. It's a good way of advertising billboards. They wanted someone to put their at their You have to ask yourself, how would you know? And this is a fascinating thing because it also happens to people who are in relationships currently where they're not sure. I see this a lot today. You finally find that person, but you're not sure do I want to make the step, So I want to make that commitment. How do you know? You don't know? How would you ever know? Well, there's a couple of different things that you could do. The first thing you could do is I actually put together a little question here that I'm happy to send to you after this glasses. And if you haven't had an opportunity to do before, it's a four part question here, of which it helps you put together a very clearly to the person you're looking for. Once you have that list, if you don't want to go through my whole question here, you can think of three things I can live with. Three things I can't live without. That's also released a simplified version of my question here if you have those things. But the most important thing is before you meet someone, you take that, you write it down and it's clear this is the person that I am hypothetically looking for. You fold that paper up and you file it somewhere, or you put it on your phone or you send it to yourself is an email and you're right on it. You know something that you be able to easily search in your emails, you can find it. And then when you're in the relationship, you write a list of all the things you like and don't like about the person, and then you compare it. You pull out your old list and compare it to the list that you wrote before you got into a relationship. And then you can clarify. It's the version of you before you were here and now the version of you that you're in the relationship and you see, is this person the person I was looking for. So that's one way of doing it. But let's say you already in the relationship. How do you know? How do you know this person is good for me? So something else you could do is you can do exactly that same thing, but instead of instead of looking at if it's similar to the similarities, what you do is you write a list of who you are and you write a list of them and you look on paper and you can see Do you think these two people could be in a relationship together? People say opposites attract. It's not true men and ruined by nature opposites. We don't need to have opposites to attract. Attraction is similarities. It's similarities that are gonna track now. There are different types of similarities that will attract. For example, I'm not saying this all the time, but most of the time you'll find in a long term relationship one will be an extra birth in. The other one will be in introverts. It's a simple for simple reasons, because we're both extroverts were never gonna be in the house, and we both introverts. We never get out of the house, so you need to have both. It's you need to have that balance and the point is and again, going back to Kabbalah and going back to Tom Would is that we are two halves of a single hole. So together we're supposed to make a full unit. So therefore we should have the complementary elements off the other person. What one person has the other person shouldn't have and what the other person has another person shouldn't have, because we were both so similar, like a brother and sister relationship. Heaven forbid, that's terrible, even even the thought of it. But if way so similar, like that, then we're not gonna be able to complement each other. And we're gonna get into fights cause we're doing. We're trying to do the same thing. Ever been on a committee with someone who's really similar? You beheads because you're similar. That's normal, and it gets confusing and it gets difficult. So let's go back to seeing some. It's become part of casual conversation. Are you seeing anyone? I see. I'm seeing all of you. I know that one of these days somebody's going to say to me, I'm seeing a very, very, very nice person and I'm going to say, Can I see her, too? What? What's with the euphemisms? Why euphemisms? Probably because if you identify the relationship as an attachment, if you consider this ah, commitments, if you think of this as an investment off yourself in a relationship and then the relationship ends, it's gonna hurt too much. You're gonna have to say to yourself, this relationship fell apart and that's too painful. So instead, what do we say? Oh, I'm seeing someone, and that way, if it doesn't work out, okay, so now we're not seeing each other. It sounds a lot less painful than having to be in a committed relationship, and then you turn around and you're not in a committed relationship. So we put this buffer around our relationship to keep a distance, to prevent it from becoming too painfully intimate. No, obviously, intimacy implies vulnerability, becoming vulnerable. If you're going to be intimate, you're going to allow someone to see parts of yourself that you'd rather not have. People see you're going to allow someone into that part of your existence into that part of your minds, painted the parts of your hearts that you yourself are not exactly comfortable with, and you don't know how the other person is going to treat it. And you don't know how it's gonna feel to have someone else scrutinise that part of you that you're a bit ashamed of. But that is the entire meaning of the word relationship. That's what a relationship really is. The whole idea of relationship. It's that we stop being alone, and the way you stop being alone is if all of you, particularly that part of yourself that you're sensitive about, is no longer a bone, and if you can share that with another person, if you're able to share that with another person, you have ended your loneliness. And I would say to add to that that that is the most important part of relationship. If somebody said to me What is the single most important thing reason? Why somebody who's single should get into a relationship? I would say for one reason and one reason only to end loneliness. No, if that is really the only reason to get into a relationship, think of all the things people are looking for. The superficial things people are looking for when they're looking for another person, what is really what they're looking for. They're looking for someone to love them unconditionally. That's really what they want. Everything else is superficial. Everything else is foolish. Oh, I'm attracted to this kind of person. This guy says to me a couple days ago, I'm only interested in women with olive colored skin. How do you decide that? Like I do. You wake up one morning and you say, you know, I've got this vision board in my vision board. I have examples of women, and each woman has a different colored skin, and I decided that I am Onley Onley attracted to someone without of covered scape. What does that mean? What's happened to our world and the vein? This only becomes more being because this idea of I'm only attracted to this have only attractive, that it's not true. It's not true, because if you really get down to it, you're gonna find there was a young woman with a very specific idea what she was looking for. And I remember setting her up with a couple of people who were really fit that and she hated him up. So finally I told her I said, I don't know if you're really I don't know if you really right about what you're looking for. I don't know if you're really being truthful with yourself. Well, she's in a very committed relationship right now, almost above to get engaged, and the person that she is in the relationship with is nothing like she was looking for, like absolutely nothing, I would say to a certain extent, the exact opposite of everything she wanted. And recently I was talking to, and I said to her I remember our conversations. What happened to you? I don't understand what happened. What happened to you know, I can't have a guy like that. You know, Rabbi, Rabbi, I know that I'm being thing, but I can't do this. I can't live with somebody with So what happens if I don't know he grew on me Because the truth is, we're not looking for any of that. I always say that if the singles I'm sorry to use that term. But if the singles knew what was really important in a long term relationship that have a whole different list because most of what people are looking for does not matter. Not even a little bit none. It does not matter at all in a long term relationship. Most of the things that were so stuck on I have to have this kind of person in this kind of this. And this kind of that actually makes zero difference when it comes to a riel long term relationship. What? What? Well, we'll talk about it. We'll talk about it for now. Use your imagination. I don't want to go and start giving you ideas in your head. I don't want to add more things to the things that are already there, huh? Intimacy intimacy is supposed to be an antidote for loneliness, and I think it will be safe to say that with all of our social skills and with all of our partying at the end of the day were basically a lonely people. Intimacy means that you become attached. You become joins. You belong together. There are difficulties. There's embarrassments, but it's a shared embarrassment. Whatever happens after that connection takes place, it shared. It brings you closer together, not further A parts Intimacy means loyalty, royalty to an identity if we run away from the identity than were ruining the relationship, and we're undoing what is most precious to us if we abandon that sense of identification, the next thing that begins to suffer is our sexuality. For most human beings, at some stage in life, sexuality can not and will not exist without intimacy. Rarely do you find a human being who prefers to separate the two and certainly, I hope, at least not a sensitive human being. Sexuality, properly understood, is connected to intimacy. Intimacy means that you put aside this fear of exposure, that you overcome this resistance to being known, and you allow a person into that part of your life that is maybe not so comfortable. And then maybe you've entered into intimacy. It's very hard. We have a lot of blockages. We have a lot of barriers put up in front of ourselves in order to not get a letter heart get broken. Most of us have had at some point are heartbroken, so as a result, we become a little more thick skins. It's not because we do or don't want to, its because that becomes the reality. We become thick skin because life has served us that whatever, and as a result, we have to become thicker and stronger. But stronger is not the opposite of vulnerable and stronger is not the opposite of intimate. You see, if you're gonna constantly put up these barriers, what happens? Don't you ever meet someone? I'm thinking about a lot of people who I see. Let's say I'm just using this as an example. Don't shoot me for it. I see people who let's say, end up in serious relationships with someone of a different faith. I'll tell you how it happens that we said it makes sense to me because they said in their mind. They're never gonna marry that. So their guard is down and so they meet someone and the guard is still down. I'm never gonna marry them, and all of a sudden they fall in love, but they're never gonna marry them. But they fall more in love, but they never gonna marry them. All of a sudden, they meet somebody who's Jewish. Watch This could be the person. This could be it. Yes, work two halves of a whole. The person I've been waiting for this is that it finally happened. The guard is like a 1,000,000 guards of tea all the way up because there's so much pressure on that, it's never gonna work. So with the things that are not supposed to work, we have our guard down and with the things that are supposed to work, we have huge guards up, and as a result, it doesn't work. We become self fulfilling profits. The issue is that as a result of being in these relationships, we put so much pressure on them that there's no way for them to work. I see people that I set up are always hesitant, and even after they agree to go out. They spend the next three days before the dates. Oh, I would ever before they see each other observing whenever you call it. I can't keep up anymore, figuring out why it's not gonna work out. And so they go on the date and guess what. It doesn't work out. They literally become a self filled profit. They said it wasn't gonna work out. Rabbi, it's never gonna work. I know it's not gonna work. You said it's not gonna work. It's not gonna work. When can we become vulnerable in the right time and not vulnerable in the right time? There's a time to put Our Garda is a time to be strong. Is it time to not be vulnerable? And then there's a time to be vulnerable. There's a time to let our guard down. We have to allow the vulnerability to happen so the intimacy happens. Otherwise the relationships never gonna evolve. It's never gonna go past Step one, and then there's the fact that we go from 1 to 100 in an hour. I'm not gonna go into that part, but I'll just say one word or one. Phrases called physical touch confuses love and lust. So I promised you tonight that I would talk about relationship status. It's complicated. I think I've Mac doubts, the complications that a lot of us are having. I'm pretty sure that through some of my examples, you've been able to look within and see a part of your life. That's their What I'm gonna ask you do know is to just let it let it sit. Just kind of. We're gonna take about two minutes of quiet. I want you to wetlands. You can take out a pen in front of you, write down a nugget, something you took out of what I just said. Something that resonated with you. Something to take home. After we're done with these two minutes, I'm gonna go into another part, a small part of my talk. And after that, and you can I'm gonna go into questions and answers, and I'm gonna say this again during your two minutes. You're also welcome to pass around the bowl and put in your anonymous questions. So let's take our two minutes. I'm just gonna repeat the question so that everybody in here, it's I think it's a very good question before I said that you are looking for your other half, which what you're saying would imply that you're not complete. And what she's saying is that if you're not complete, that does this kind of conversation that people are having that if you're not complete with yourself, then there's no space for someone else. And it's a fantastic question, and I'm gonna answer the question in two parts. The first part I'm going to say is that we're not seeing that you're don't have a low self esteem. What we're saying is that you should see there's something missing in your life, so what ends up happening is just two parts to you. There's a part of you that is comfortable with in your own skin, But there's also party that says I am not the best, the best version of myself, that I could be alone. There's a better version of myself. God, the world life intended there to be a better version of myself, and that version of myself could only be with someone who I can share my life. It's hard because there is this economists way of looking at the world, but right and it's not saying that have a low self esteem. It's not saying that you need someone. It's saying that you're not complete without them, that you, with all your success with all of your greatness, with everything that you can contribute to the world, that is not even even that even at full capacity, the perfect version of you alone. That is not the perfect version of you that the world intended for you to have. There's a better version and even that of your best version. That's what we're saying. So we're saying, be the best version of yourself and then find someone who's the best version of themselves and together you're gonna become the power couple anyone else want to share and equipment, Any thoughts, comments, processing, get your fix. So I get that a lot. So the question is, when I'm fixing up people, don't I get Oh, there's no chemistry from the beginning. I always say, I wish I had a way that I could give people a little something that they put on their back for a date, and all of a sudden, the middle of the dates, there's like a little spark that shoots up from the back and kind of like by your work, kind of like explodes right over their head and the boom there sparks. We have to come to grips with the idea that a lot of us society has desensitized us to that what is supposed to be the chemistry, your spokes and most people. And I hear this more and more, and I wouldn't know this if I wasn't setting people up. In talking to people about the relationships and talking a lot of singles and talking to a lot of people who are newly in relationships, I wouldn't know this. But you have to take my word for this because I don't know how many people are are publicly speaking, who have than the experience that I have been fortunate to witness and speaking to people in the beginning of relationships Mawr than not. I hear it took time to evolve, not we knew at first sight. Everybody was married. 20 years can say, I knew right away. Shut up. That's easy to say. You talk to people who are in the beginning relationships. It doesn't happen right away. You have to allow it to about you have to give it time. People were like, Okay, next one next one. Next one. They're going on all these first dates. They're not giving at the time that it needs to evolve. Teoh. Most people, because of that desensitization, were not having the instant chemistry. The chemistry maybe happens to a certain level if you're in touch with it, but in general were not having it like we used to. So therefore, we have to just again. Like I said in the beginning of tonight's talk, we kind of just call it out and say, It's not what Perhaps we thought it was gonna be like, It's not this It happens. There are a few people who are lucky enough to have that instant moment, but it's more real than ever before. Yeah, you like That's a very good thing. It's a very, very good point. What, you're just repeat that a lot of people who are talking chemistry, she says, are talking about lust, and that's true. There's a lot of people who are looking for lust. The problem is what's gonna happen in 20 years from now. If you want a long term relationship, lost is not gonna get you very far. Maybe you don't get you as far as a week or two. But that's about it. Or maybe two hours. That's how long the movie is. Yeah. Excellent. That was written by what is it called? The road. The road Less traveled. Traveled by Scott Peck. Thank you for the recommendation. I've never read it, but thank you. Thank you. What? Okay, so that's any any any other yet? Sorry. I'm just curious the way you described earlier. You said there is a person from you. There is a one. So where? Your sign. They're actually being a person who meets all over needs. We meet there's dem existing as opposed to it. Okay, I choose to be with this person. There is a great question. I'm just gonna repeat the question. So how do you differentiate between there's a person out there who is the one and I have to go in search and get that on my all. So I think that that is exactly the way that we should compartmentalize it. We should say the person exists, so I'm not just gonna be shooting star. I am actually looking for someone who really exists There's someone out there is the complement of my soul there really there. And you know what? Maybe this will give up. Bring out a little of your compassion. They're waiting for you. They're out there waiting for you. You are keeping them waiting because you're not spending enough time looking for them. Do you have any sympathy for this person who's waiting for you trying? Teoh, Listen, what about your compassion And the other the other half of it is you have to go out and look, you can't expect they're gonna knock on your door. It's not like the movies I know We've become so attached to the romantic comedies in the romantic dramas. But it's not like that. It's really life, and real life is much, much better than that. Anyway, you don't want that. I'm just full of so so is the question is it's a good question. Is there more than one is a predestination or is it making the choice? So Oh, okay. I am going to answer it specific to you. There's a lot of different answers, but Tom Wood says they're seven different soulmates. I'm not gonna go into all the the that if you want, I can. One day I give you the whole time. Allergic disposition on this, which is fascinating on its own site, its own right. But it's not going to go right to the point. The point is, that's the moment you're under the football. I know it's scary. Big co word the moment you're under the Cuba that C Fleming h the the moment you're under the hookah, you are soul mates and your two halves of a whole that united. So until then, you could decide. You can question you can do all of that. So, yes, it is two people making a choice. But then you become so mates. That is my own interpretation in my own view, based on my studies and based on how I see and I think it's important and it's a great question that you asked, and I think it's really important that we see it this way because then the problem is is that if we don't see it this way, they were like always there someone better after. This is not my soul mate. I know God intended. Look me, I'm the greatest thing that ever happened since lie spread. So God didn't intend for me to be with Kendrick. That's terrible. That's not No, you have to be active. You have to make that choice. And once you make that choice, that person to come just only no divorce is out. Divorce the whole thing. You can be married to your soul mate and find out that you can be married, which means you could be so mates that were divided a birth. But because of nurture because you met each other at 30. Whatever, 40 whatever. 20 Whatever. Whenever time you met each other those years before, it could be that whatever reasons, you can't live together. That has nothing to do with not being soulmates. That's a different conversation. And I'm happy at some point to talk about what divorce teaches us about marriage. And I think that would be a very, very helpful for some of you. I'm gonna I'm gonna move on because I have a bunch of questions in the bowl that I want to get to, and I want to get to the last part of our talk tonight. I actually I got a question in my in my email a couple of weeks ago, and when I was preparing tonight's class, I thought would be interesting to read this question to you and the answer that I gave the person. So I just want to tell you I took out any parts that would be identifying who? The person. I did not ask the person. Teoh put this here, so I just felt like I just made the question in a more general. It's not a specific person had written a much longer question in this, and it wasn't a specific of this, so I'm just changed it around. That's why you have the three dots there in the beginning of the question. But you have the basic idea what the person est, the person says in the following. I am happy in my relationship and things are getting quite serious. But there's one nagging doubt at the back of my mind. This is the first real love in my life, and I'm worried that maybe I'm so happy because I've never experienced anything else. I have nothing to compare her to because I've never been in this type of relationship before. Maybe I would fall for any girl who would give me a second glance? I feel that perhaps before it commits, I should see some other girls with my girlfriends. Permission, Of course. Then I will know for sure if this is real or not. Isn't that a good idea? I'm gonna give you my answer. This is my This is my This is my actual answer. I did not edit my answer. I understand your logic. If you're looking to buy a car, it would be silly to jump in the first model that catches your eye. You would compare prices and test drive a range of different makes before buying. So shouldn't you do some comparative shopping before settling on a life partner? In fact, you may feel it is even more important to shop around for love than it is for a car. A car you can trade in if you're not satisfied. But a wife. While this line of thinking may sound reasonable, there's a major flaw in the logic. There's a world of difference between a car and a potential wife. For one, cars don't like jewelry, but more importantly, cars don't have feelings your partner does, and so do you. Once feelings are part of the picture. Ah, whole new dynamic is introduced. What I'm calling emotional connection because emotions are involved. Seeing two people at once is not the way to go. It won't work for you for your partner or for the possible third party. So I'm giving three reasons. Number one for the third party. It's unethical when you tell someone that you're only entering your relationship with them to test if another relationship is real or not. If you would, you're mad if you wouldn't. Is that fair to them? There's nothing wrong with a used car, but people have feelings and don't like to be used. Number two for you. You can't be objective when you drive a car, it doesn't change you. You could walk away and test drive another car and you'll be able to objectively analyse and compare the two. I have never heard of someone who needs time to get over a car before they try another one. But with human beings, it's different. A relationship is an emotional investment. You have shared a part of yourself with another Wow. In the midst of one relationship, you're simply not available to anyone else, you cannot be truly objective. The way you will look at the second person will be covered by your feelings for the first. So what you will have. What will you have achieved by seeing someone else? And number three your partner people can't be evaluated when buying the car. We want the best one on the markets. If we can afford a better, newer motto, we would not settle for less. But a life partner. A human being can't be given a market value. Relationships cannot be compared. Each one is a universe on to itself. The question Could I do better? Can only apply toe objects. But with real people, the only question you need to ask is the person a good person? Do I want to be in this person's universe? Can we grow together? If yes, stay there. If not, move on. Don't spend your lifetime wondering if someone is better around the corner. Rather find someone who wants to be the best person in the world for you and be the best person in the world for her. If together you make that glitch and work hard to keep to it, you'll be on the road to true happiness. No matter what model car you drive. I just wanted Teoh bring that out for you. I think that I hope to share it some light on some of the ideas that I spoke about tonight. Now we're gonna go to the question and answer period of my talk for your extra words. I know it's very easy for you to just ask questions, but for you it would have both. Please, Once I take a goal, it's not. So Please take your fitness opportunity, pass around a bowl, experts your questions, you won't ask them. There's something for everyone here. So any questions before I get into this bowl? No extra birds here. Yes, that's right. What is silly? Okay, people. Okay, I think you're after. Is is it ever risk? If I could give you an insurance policy for your relationships, I would be a very poor man. I think that that's not the way to look at. Just be honest. So you don't see is it risk free? Because it's not a car and it's not insurance. Close. It's a real person. So are you Risk free, right? Exactly. So why would you expect someone to be their relation with the risk free. So how do you mitigate the risk? And that was a really mitigate risk by first starting without lies. That's the first step. Very often I see a lot of people. Relations were starting with lice. Start without lies, be yourself, Be real. Then, Once you're in a serious relationship, you must must have someone 1/3 party, especially for the beginning of your relationship that you speak to. I actually wrote recently 10 10 tips from newly engaged couples, and you can find it online. Just type in my name with scientists. Believe troubles. We'll find it. So it's on CBC website, and in that list, I talk about 10 things that I think that people that are in serious relationship should really should should do and consider. And one of them is. I think we have 1/3 party. Be open and honest with that person, and you have to be able to have someone who is not in your relationship to help you and guide you one of the things that I started a number of years ago. So I was standing at a football. Thank God I had the opportunity is a rabbi to to perform a lot of ceremonies. That was that I never forget it. I was holding the glass of wine and I was about to make the blessing. I look up at this beautiful couple and I think to myself, what right do I have to make this blessing on this marriage? What have I done? I've done nothing here. I'm blessing a union, and I'm saying I am. I am blessing you for healthy and fulfilled marriage. But I have done absolutely nothing is a rabbi to help you with that? And I decided at that witty that moment on that I would never marry a couple unless I gave them a toolbox of really, really good things that can use. And now any way that I perform, I will meet with the couple anywhere between six to sometimes even 20 sessions before the wedding. Not only get to know that if I don't know them already, but also to make sure that I could stand under the chuppah with that cup of wine in my hand and say I did everything in my power to set them up for a long lasting and healthy relationship. And that's what it is. You need to have that tool box as a couple. You need to know how to argue. You need to know how to communicate. You need to know how to manage your finances. You need to know how to manage sexual expectations, how to manage all of the various things that are gonna come your way. And there are tools that you can actually have in your toolbox that will help you do that. If you're a both open to that, that's my basic answer. Any other questions? Okay, now for my poll here. Have to Okay. Okay. Okay. In today's society, it has become very easy to meet someone. But as soon as I get into a serious relationship, I feel like the other person doesn't want to put in the effort to make it work. What do you do when your partner runs? As soon as there is a problem? That is a an amazing question. I don't know if I can answer this question in 30 seconds or less. I'm actually going to, um I don't know who the person is, but I would like Teoh use this question in my next column. I like this question a lot, and I think it's something that comes up a lot. My basic answer is that there's obviously a disconnect. Somehow, I'm not sure what the disconnect is, and I would have to really ask more questions to find out wires. This person running as soon as there's a problem, is this. How did it happen once to you that it happened five times to you like, Is it something that it's happening? Teoh you? Then you have to ask yourself that question, which means and I say this a lot and I don't mean this in a bad way, but I do mean it in a bad way. You are the common denominator of all your failed relationships, which means if there's an issue in your relationship and you see it happening over and over again in different relationships, you have you are it? You're the reason that it's happening. So take take responsibility for call it out and take responsibility for it. So if it's happening to you, there's a reason it doesn't happen to everyone. The second thing is that we live in an instant oatmeal society and a lot of people wanted just It's this instant. They don't want to deal with their issues. There's a lot of people who who don't want to deal with their shadows. And I will tell you that one of the reasons why I really wanted to bring Dr Romanelli Doctor Romanelli was coming here in August is that is his main work. He works with shadows, and he's actually gonna be doing a session actress for singles, but for couples as well and in the couple sessions, really gonna work shadows. But even in a single session, I asked him Toe work with exactly this kind of stuff for people to be able to work on themselves, trying to figure out what is working beneath the surface and why they're having some of these kinds of things. So this is a question that will be great to bring up in that three hour workshop that's gonna happen here in August. Any suggestions on how to let your guard down and be vulnerable, especially when you think there's potential with someone? That's a good question. I think that you need to start off by saying to yourself, It's OK, It's OK. I'm strong. I'm okay. I can let my guard down. Yeah, You know what it could be that it'll result and getting my heart broken, But it could be that it will result in me getting my heart satisfied. And that's what it is. Risk gets reward. No pain, no gain. But I don't mean it. In that way, I meet into the positive way that if you become a little vulnerable than you have a chance of becoming intimate, emotionally intimate So we need to allow ourselves to become vulnerable. So a little bit of self talk. I don't know if you're if you're again. If you're nature works, you do the south talk. If you're in extroverts, you talk it over with friends and just say to your friends I'm having trouble being vulnerable and my vulnerable with you as a friend. Ask your friend. You have a good friend. It's great to have a good friend. You have a good friend ask you from the question Am I vulnerable with you or do you find that I have my garden? If you can't have your guard down with your close friends, then you're probably you probably have an issue becoming intimate thing that I would say would need therapy Therapy is a good thing for these kinds of things. Another suggestion of becoming vulnerable is to is to figure out a way to not put your garden when something happened. So if you have someone who you're interested in automatically, you're gonna have a garden because it's just a natural response. You could have a garden, so you need toe like allow yourself to see my guard is up and now I'm gonna put it down. It's OK. And that again, if you're introverts. Self talk. If you're extra work, talk it over with friends or with a mentor or with the therapist. Final question to to that. Yeah, sure, You know, it's a very good question. So very often I don't always. I try to stay out. When I set people up, I try to stay out of it. But often people ask me, Teoh, find out what's going on. So after, let's say a first date, especially cause they're not sure how it went. So if I call somebody there like it was amazing, it was unbelievable. It was the greatest experience of my whole life. I know the other one's gonna say it was terrible. A lot of extroverts who are nervous tend to talk, alights about themselves. Extroverts who are nervous on first dates tend to talk a lot about themselves. People don't want to hear so much about, so make sure, especially if you're the extroverts, because generally people where extroverts have a hard time with this than introverts. If you're next to words, make sure be quiet, especially in the beginning. Allow the other person to talk, and that's gonna help the situation a lot. Um, I currently doing one on one match making Thea answer is yes. I am using J Montreal dot com exclusively, and I'm actually going into I have different seasons and I'm going into a big matchmaking season. I've actually made about said about 30 days this week already, so I'm definitely encouraging. Anyone who doesn't have a J Montreal profile wants to meet someone. Please make 12 nights, and I would be very happy to to follow up with you. I haven't seen any anything from me in a while. It's because I'm only the past few weeks started getting really back onto what I go through different seasons where I matchmaking it. This is a good season for matchmaking. How can we define if the relationship we are already in with someone is a healthy one or if it's going somewhere? Um, again, this is a really broad question. I don't know if I can answer this in 30 seconds or less, but you have Teoh ask yourself and I happy in the relationship, am I? Is it a frustrating for me in the relationship? Is it healthy is a big word because in order for you to be in a healthy relationship, you need to be a healthy person and generally people who ask questions. I'm just generalizing here about whether or not they're in a healthy relationship. It means they don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. And that's OK. You can call it out and say, I don't know what it looks like. And generally, people who don't know what a healthy relationship books like is because they don't know what a healthy relationship is because they come from a divorced home where they come from a home where their parents were fighting a lot and so they don't have a good role model for relationships. And if they don't a good role model relationships, it's really, really hard for them to know what a healthy relationship looks like. Call without, say, I come from a divorced home. I don't have a good role model for relationships. I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. And then, like you're finding something that you're lost, figure out what it looks like. That could be a great goal for the next six months for you. If this applies to you, I would say it's so important if I just kind of start this process for you. But I don't want to do it all for you, but I'll just start. I'll give you a little bit of a jumpstart if you come from a divorced home or if your parents were fighting a lot. Uh, especially when you were younger and you don't have that healthy role model, you should definitely do thes three steps. As part of the process Number one, you should decide why your parents got divorced or why your parents fart a lot. How do you decide that? Don't ask them because it doesn't matter what they say. Ask yourself because that's what matters. You decide. It's your internal narrative. Number two, you say the following words. It's not my fault. It never is. But so many kids blame themselves. And number three, you start the process of figuring out what is a healthy relationship. And in that process, I really encourage you to find the couple. It could be unanswered. Uncle could be grandparent's. It could be a close friend who's married and you say I want a relationship. It looks like that is great to have a physical role model of a couple who can guide you and help you. What if we get our intimacy from friendships? I know this is very common today, and I know this is more common than ever before. My answer to this. My only answer I can give to this is that I don't believe that That's real intimacy. I know that some people will disagree with me on that, and there's psychologists or even described me in that, and I am happy to discuss that with them. But I can tell you, from both my experience and my research that there is something about a long term relationship in that satisfaction that you can't get from just a friendship or something that's pleading or that can come and go. If you want a relationship like the movies, then you probably could get that kind of intimacy intimacy like the movies. But you can't get riel long term intimacy. There's something you get from a long term relationship that you can't get any anywhere else. And that's why I think there's such a desire and in need. And I say that need for that. Yes, you are, which and when. So the question waas When I talk about healthy relationships, Um, you have to give and give and give. But what point do you feel like you're giving too much? You're becoming a doormat if I can read, so there's a lot of givers in the world. It's always a lot of takers in the world, not enough givers. So I would say to answer this. Relationships are not tit for tat. You don't keep track in a relationship if you're really in a relationship. If you give and give and give, the other person will respond by giving and giving and giving. If the other person is respond. The responses. They're taking it, taking a cake, taking not be back. There's one of two things. Either you're a and messed relationship, and you're enabling that person, which is a different conversation, all on its own. Or secondly, the person is really unhealthy, and they don't know what they don't know how to give. And that's really sad. And you can't do anything about that. No, If that is the case, then you have to ask yourself, because it is you in the relationship. You have to ask yourself, Why am I attracted to somebody who's a taker and not giving back to me? And why is that the kind of person who am I looking for? A fixer upper model? A used model? Am I looking? You know what kind of car? Stupid car example. But what am I looking for? Why am I tracked? What can you do if the person you're dating considers it seeing and we're happy to go? We're happy, Go lucky and are. It's on, and we're seeing and want to love the relation and want to move the relationship forward. Let me try this again. What can you do if the person you are dating considers it seeing and we're in a happy go lucky relationship and you want to move the relationship forward. OK? Which means, like it's just like a lot of relationship. It's just easy and that, and you want toe figure out a way to move it forward. I'm gonna say this if I have. If you haven't heard this one before, maybe that should be the one thing that you take home tonight with you. Relationships need rupture. If you are not rupturing your relationship in order, Rupture is huh. If you're not great, not break. If you are not pushing, not pushing, how would you define rupture in this in simple terms? Pushing, altering conflict, not aggressive being creating conflicts, creating conflict. If you're not doing that in your relationship, you are in a block relationship. Relationships need rupture and repair, rupture, repair. That's how we've become closer rupture and repair. You need to rupture the relationship in order for you to grow in the relationship. So this whole idea of and I hear this so often so I had a couple one of the things that I do with couples when they first come to me to get married is the first thing I do is I make them. This is part of my premarital program I was talking about before I make them fill out this 45 minute questionnaire, and then I give them both in our first meeting, a full analysis of the strengths and weaknesses of their relationship. So I have a bunch of basic questions and a bunch of more invasive questions. So the 1st 1 of the first question to ask is, How many kids do you want? That's a pretty obvious way to know if you're getting married. Would you think that you would have had a conversation before you got engaged about how many kids you want with that? But that makes sense. So have a couple. Three months ago in a couple of my office, I do their analysis, he says Zero, she says, three. You know, I'm like how I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm gonna rupture our relationship right from the onset. I'm gonna say it right as it is. We're not going to sugarcoat this, and so they come into my office before I even put my analysis in front of them. I want to show them they're all excited to see what I put together. I said, I have one question for you. Have you ever had a conversation about kids? To which she says No, because we didn't want to ruin a good thing. That's not a relationship that's not a relationship. I don't That's Ah, I don't know what this This I don't want to ruin A good thing is not working. It's not gonna work long term. Thank God. After an hour of very serious conversation, we came to a conclusion and way, said one at a time that was. But it wasn't zero and three. It was one of the time, and that's fine. They both agreed to it that part of the story has a happy ending. The point is, that's We should not be trying to have a good time and just not rupture. Rupture is good for relationships. Got it. Rupture is good for relationships. If you fight, it's good as long as you know how to fight. Every couple fights differently. You have to learn how to fight and make sure that your resolve and this whole thing. Oh, you know, the makeup sex thing. That's that's not that's not result. I'm talking about really, really resolving. And this whole thing of we don't go to bed in the fight or angry, right? This is not like the number one piece of advice you get when you I don't even know who gave you could go to bed angry. Just make sure that you resolved resolve. Whatever you thought, don't let it. Don't let it fester. No festering wounds. Just resolve it. Yeah. What a curious does if you if somebody is the meats of a couple of times. Um, what was supposed to be certain? If you really fuel the connection, you don't how much time you're supposed to give. Okay, It's a great question. So if you're on it, if you're dating, what points do you say? Like, I've been given enough time and it's not working or when you're supposed to feel connection. So the answer is that every person is different. Some people take a long time to feel that connection. And if you're the kind of person who doesn't feel the connection right away, you have to know and you should. You should say that you could even say I think it's great. Teoh, Call things out when you're because that's also part of the rupture, even the initial up to call things up. I just want to let you know I'm not the kind of person it takes me time to get to know somebody. That's a really great thing to say, like I'm not easy in the beginning, So it's OK. Is it okay? I just want to let you know that it takes me time to open up and get to know someone, and that is a little tiny rupture that will allow the person to anticipate the kind of person you are, and it allows you to give this have a space to be able to take that time. That's a great thing if the person that interested if if there if there are 12 relationship, there's there's no answer to that. But if they're interested in something long term, which I believe a lot of people are, then that really allows them or both of you the space to allow that relationship to develop. If we recognize the next question, have two more questions here. If we recognize our soul mates and marry them, why do we divorce and how many soul mates when we have? This is a fantastic question. Like I told you before, I assure you that I will do a session on divorce soul mates, and this is all one topic, and I'm not gonna answer it all. I don't want to even give you the 32nd answer to this because it's an amazing question, and I think it needs its own class on its own. I plan on doing that at some point soon. Actually, I was one of the reason why I am. I've been getting this a lot. This is a question that's been coming to be quite a bit lately. And generally, if you want to know how I decide topics for my classes, I generally decide them because I see that I'm getting a lot of the same types of questions. And so therefore, I know there's a lot of people that are interested in these topics, and this is one of the questions I've been getting a lot off. Um, I feel like I am in a comfort zone, being single. How do I get out of this comfort zone. Great question. The answer that I have for you how to get out of the comfort zone. First thing is call it out. I'm comfortable. It's okay. By the way, there was a study that came out a couple of years ago that said that for every year that we live alone, it will take us two months to be able to live with someone else. So with me that you've been living alone for five years, the 1st 10 months of a relationship living with someone is a write off. It's a write off, great thing to call out. I say this to a lot of couples when they get married. I asked them one of the questions I ask in my initial question. Here is how long were living alone. And so the first session. I say right away. You should know that the 1st 10 months of your relationship is gonna be a write off because they've been living alone for five years. No, the 1st 10 months of their marriage living together the 1st 10 months of living together, it would be right up because they've both been alone for five years. It takes time to get out of the singlehood and into into being together. Another thing you can do. If you want to shock yourself, I encourage this. You can clear out half of your closet, sleep on one side of your bed, said at one share in your table, and really make your apartment or your living space like there is someone missing. That's a great thing to do. If you want to shock yourself, just make it like there's really, really someone missing in your life. Feel it every single day. When you come home, there is someone. Call it out to yourself. There is someone missing in my life. I see your own lunch focus. I'm gonna end here. I know it's a lot of time here. Welcome, Teoh. Ask me any other questions you have, but I'll ends our official talk for tonight. It's been wonderful. I hope it's been helpful. I hope you take a couple nuggets home with you. Some things that you can think about. And of course, as always, I'm here to answer your questions and to help, and I hope I can have a good evening