Welcome to Dad's one day clok. Parental discussion is advised mature content.
Beyond this point, you know, before Dome comes in on his dad joke, we have to discuss the matter at hand. A j I called Dome today. I didn't know he had a guest with him at work in California.
Okay.
I thought he was by himself, thought he was lonely. Figured I have ten minutes to drive home, like, cheer him up, you know, talk to him.
I mean, you were right, you were right about needing that and being lonely just because somebody's here, doesn't let's be honest here.
So I genuinely didn't know, and he goes. I was like, what are you doing? He was, I'm just laying in bed. I was like, dude, is five thirty. He's like, you know, well, getting ready to crank one. And then I immediately was like, wait, wait you laid down the crank one out and he was like, yeah, you know, I wanted I wanted to
be like part of the experience. I was like, wouldn't that mean that you'd have to get on your knees and be jerking off missionary positions as you have to do all the work in your relationship, and I.
Was like, no, no, no, I curl up in a ball. I cry, I cry really hard, and then jerk off in my own face.
I promptly said, we're stopping this conversation because I'm bringing it up on this podcast.
The whole time the producers sitting on the couch, and she didn't argue one point, so and I'm sure she could hear. Oh absolutely the best part.
We were probably five minutes in on the conversation before I found out she was there. Yeah, and then I promptly said I wouldn't have changed anything.
I said, no, no.
I still have said everything I said, and then just to get you in.
And then we realized that so eventually, when I get to my next first date, I need to wear a shirt that says my only red flag is my best friend with a picture I have the red flag. Yeah, check's out again. The entire conversation was had in front of her, so zero funks given. I I literally she just left. I asked, I was like, are you gonna stick around for the podcast? She's like probably not. I was like, you sure, because you know you're welcome to which I was trying to be nice. She's like, I
don't think I want to. I was like, okay, good because I really don't want to.
Well, it's got to be weird. And then the perspective of she can't hear us. Yeah, so everything she hears is out of context.
Oh, absolutely, And she is the master of letting shit roll when she doesn't have any context, Like she creates her own narrative that creates these insane tornadoes of disillusion and anxiety. And she's standing outside with a cup up against the door. I get she probably left her phone in here, like she left her work phone in here on, so she's listening to her work phone with her other phone. Oh dude, take nutshots on her work phone. No, that's too far, because her because it was linked. Did you
just say that it's linked? The only reason, The only reason is because I know her work phone is linked to an account. They're set where somebody else sees those photos. So that's the only reason why I wouldn't do it.
And that person who sees them is going to be like those you like Josh Rosenberg's.
Nut Damnit, he didn't shave his asshole again. Fuck? Look at all them dingleberries are stuck in there. I was washing my ass the other day in the shower and my fingers gripped like seven fucking hairs at once and just ripped them out. It hurts so bad. Oh damn, make you think of like you want to laugh. No, no, you're god.
No, you have like some retired strength in your hand. And all of a sudden, it was just like extra chromosome.
Ah. I don't know, because normally it just slides up. Channeling your son, Yeah, channeled him on.
Can you tell your jokes that we can get on with this so we can explain, because I want to go into the little.
Part of you where your son got it from. Finally showed a little bit. Okay, So why do cows.
Wear bells because their horns don't work? I would say boo, but I think it was either that or why do chickens go to the gym to work on their pecks? Like that's what it was. That's what you should have came with that one.
I'm gonna delete this that entire second, no, no say, and it's gonna come in with us saying, oh you should have went with that one, and nobody's gonna know what it is.
And then I'm gonna say it next week on my rundown.
No, just splice it it at the end, like oh it was that one disappointment will be stuck to the end.
Another disappointed.
So you you had your son with you at not very farm the Dad's on day webso one seventy eight. Back to the conversation of your son's retail.
Last week he came. He came to California with me. I decided that I wanted to bring him and have him here while I worked. He's he was phenomenal. He did great all week. So Friday, light day at work, decided, you know what, I'm gonna go ahead and head over to Knotsberry Farms for half a day. And it was our first time for both of us, for me and him. So we go and we get on a couple easy rides, basic rides, right, nothing too special, the water ones, the one gold gold mining one or coal mining one or
whatever the fuck it was. It was super racist, like so first off, it was real slow. You get in this cart, in this coal mining cart, and you start going through these tunnels and all of the animatronics were
extremely racist and freaky like that. I'm dead serious like there was one There was one of a Chinese guy inside the mine and he was standing there with a stick of dynamite and he he was looked like he was pulled from a nineteen forties movie, black and white movie with the little mustache and everything, but the eyes were just horizontal line. But his face was kind of melted. So it was freaky. It was so scary, it was so weird. But then we decide we're going to do
one more ride. It's called ghost Rider and not Spery Farms. If you've had if you've had an experience of going to any amusement park, they all have some type of rating system.
Hold on, huh, hold on? Is it not Sperry Farms? Yes, are we in Mendela effect? I thought it was not Sperry Farm.
Is it farm? Pretty sure? It's farms? Am I just crazy? Anyway, I'll look. So they have they have a rating system, and the ride ghost Rider is rated as one of their more intense rides. But he is tall enough, he is old enough, he is big enough to get on this ride. It takes off and we start going and you just hear him go, why are we going so high? Why? Why are we still going so high because it's legal feet and the fear sets in and then the bottom
drops out of this roller coaster. And when I tell you that this kid's face was not the same, the entire ride is an understatement. He went full r dude, hard hard. He it looked like he was having a stroke through half of the like half his face was just just was just dead and you could just hear him going no, no, no, no no no no no no no no no no at one at one point. And then and then we get done with the ride and he's like, I don't like that. I don't know
why I did that. Why did I choose to do that? Why did we do that? I was like, what's fun? Dude? I had a great time. Did you not have a good time? He's like, no, no, I did not. My head hurts, I don't like the way my body feels.
No.
And we get to the part where you see the picture and he just looked completely like.
That's another statement that he looked like he had six extra chromosomes added to his body in his picture.
Dude, it was.
One of our listeners. Word I've already said it to him. Yeah, So there's at least one of.
Three. Yeah, if anybody wants it, you're more than welcome to d MS and I'll send it to you. But uh, he promptly, he promptly was like, all right, I'm done. I want out of this part. I don't want like he immediately was scared to go on any other ride. He didn't want anything to do with anything else. He didn't even want to get in the car at that point.
So we obviously, you know, sat in the car for a little while, sat in the parking lot and kind of let that that fear kick off and whatever vertigo he was having kind of shake out out, and then we got in the car, got gas, got him some ginger ale to kind of settle his stomach a little bit, and then we headed home. He was he was out within fifteen minutes of the drive home. Once he had some ginger ale in his stomach and he kind of
settled out. But when he woke up, he said he had a great time and he would do it again. He just wouldn't do that right again. So that's good.
I haven't been in I've only been an ospberry farm one time, and I was, oh no, no, I went I went in high school. I forgot no, that was six flags. I've only been in an ospberry farm once and I was like, fine.
I highly recommend it. It was really fun. And then your your boy, in true idiot fashion, decided to go on the one day that they had a school function, which was like twenty thousand eighth graders there. Almost karate chopped one of them in the throat because they kept coming in this line. We were in this a pretty long wait at one of the river Rapids rides, and I saw this kid cut in line twice and he when he was doing it, him and a couple of
friends with we're not cutting. We're just meeting with some but we have a friend up here. We're not cutting. And the third time they did it, I probably just stuck my hand out and was like, no, you're not get go back. You're not fucking doing this. We're not playing this game. Get in the back of the line. We're not playing this game. You don't have friends up there,
Get the fuck out of here. Go And you know, a couple of people clapped, and a bunch of the other kids didn't like it, because, like I said, there were a ton of kids. I mean, if I if I had to guess, I would say there was probably about ten to twenty thousand kids there alone. There's a lot of kids, maybe forty thousand. Color those kids all eighth graders. They had eighth grade shirts on, like it was the color of their skin.
I thought you asked that. I was like, wait, as I thought it all colored? Race and creep or what were the color of the kids?
Making sure we're not a I'm not committing a hay crying like hey gets the best? Oh no, they were white. But they were white. Oh fair game than fucking white kids. Geez full kids but ed pieces of kids. But yeah, no, these ones were dead, Yeah they were. They were entitled, little privileged motherfuckers. Why are you guys cutting We have the fast passes? Oh daddy could buy you. Those who
fast passes were expending. They're ninety bucks a pop. Alright, they damn But if you're only hitting one day, it might be well. So I will say this, I will see this, especially in a day like that. I knew, if I knew, I could have done what other people were doing, which is given my kid the fast pass
and then just gone with him. They would have allowed they would have allowed you to just go with him because he's your son's I would have done I would have bought him the fast pass because because then it's forty five bucks apiece, and that's not that bad, you know what I mean. Wow, then you don't need to find somebody with a disability, yeah, or brook leg you know. I still think that that rent a tard would be a really good business. That's a true, dude. I think
that's a phenomenal business venture that you should start. Could you just walking through Dinny jan with just I mean, all you're doing is just getting paid to sit there in a wheelchair act a little bit like could you? Could you? Could you imagine that being on your resume when you go for like one of your movie scenes. You know you're going for a movie audition, and it's a headshot of you in a wheelchair for chob responsibilities, what full retard. It's a teared system.
So like, for for one hundred dollars, I'll act slightly autistic. For four hundred dollars, you'll get you'll get a pretty good charge. For one thousand dollars, I will literally lick every window.
We podcast five five thousand dollars, will be simple jack the whole day and pretend I'll beat off in front of people as a tip. As a tip, I might molest a pigeon or two.
Uh Stone, let's go with you, buddy, You're you're the honor the honor person here that the honorer, the honorary.
Yeah. Yeah.
So this week dog uh Friday, my mom flew in, picked her up, me, the girlfriend, the kid, and the mom. We drove down to Phoenix and we I had rented near BnB for the weekend with a pool. Saturday got lit as fuck and just swim in the pool the whole day. Thankfully I didn't drown. I did have like a big ass, like little baseball bat looking raft shove up my ass a few times, which I'm not saying was a bad thing, but it was just interesting trying not to shoot yourself in the water. It was a
really interesting apparatus thing was But we had fun. Yeah, And then Sunday unfortunately got rained out.
Damn it.
I heard about that, so we couldn't we couldn't spend I'm the pool. But on Sunday, the whole reason we went to Phoenix was because I went and walked to my graduation for you of a went to the the arena that was there, and yeah, my fucking advisor was like, yeah, it's gonna be like an hour of speeches from people.
They're going to come up call your names.
It'll be like an hour long, and then there'll be like a bunch of like doctorate speeches at the end of it, and you can just leave before those, like after they call your name and you walk, just go.
And I was like, cool, how's it going to be?
Went there and I got there like not necessarily late, right, Like you had to show up between seven and nine, But if you went the day before and you get your little car that says what you're graduating with, what your name is, you could just show up at eight, right, showed up in eight fifteen.
I was like, yeah, no big deal. Went to the back.
They paraded us through the back all the way to our seats, and I was a fourth row from the back, and this graduation had like a thousand and names, right, and I'm all the way in the fucking back and I'm sitting back there like all right, well, it's just an hour, you know, I should probably be about thirty minutes in like we'll be fine.
No.
Two hours later, Like I was sitting there for two fucking hours, that's from. It was two hours of name calling, right, and they like called us up. And it was like ten minutes after they called us up, they were done. Right, It's like two hours and ten minutes. Yeah, two hours of sitting there and that fucking got damn folding chair and I was sitting there like, God damn it, my fucking advisor let me down the wrong fucking path here.
Man.
I was so tempted to get up and go cut mine, but apparently someone else tried to do that, and they like sent them back to their seat, and it was like embarrassing for them, and I was like, oh, no, get to.
The back of the line. Get to the back of the line. I'm black. I don't give a fuck. Just like a bus to you. Get back to bus.
You know.
It was really interesting though, was the amount of people that were there that were not within twenty.
Three years old. The majority of the people graduating were like my age or I.
Was going to ask you that because I feel like that's the thing now, that's the the majority of people are going to be older people graduating.
Yeah, and especially because it's it's online. Everybody came from all over the nation and over the globe too. Like a bunch of Armed Forces were there because that's like one of the college preferred choices for the Armed Forces, as.
You of a for their online program. So it was like pretty cool.
Got to meet a bunch of people, a bunch of different backgrounds, different states, different places.
Shot the ship with a few people. I walked up to the.
Stage and they like took your picture a couple of times, and then you get up there and you go shake whoever's hand. And when I walked up, I think it was the like the dean of like the Social Side something like that. They'd like a bunch of those fuckers up there, and they're dressed in their fucking like wizard
robes and shit. And when I went to shake this dude's hand, he grabbed my hand and immediately yanked me towards the stairs like fuck off, like and I was like, I was like, I trust me, You're not the only one that wants us over. I sat in the fourth fucking row from the back, eat my dink. I at least get to have this fucking mom.
Give me the sorting hat I want to the house. I mean, yeah, I went up. We were like showing the jumble Tron and shits like.
I went up to the camerage kind of waved and looked at my family and just kind of waved at them and stuff, and then I walked down my supervisor, my old one actually just graduated with her degree too, and so we met up and took a selfie and we're like, holy shit, we gotta drop this in teams chat and say fuck you, and all those people had just started ha ha ha. We're done because we were part of this group chat. We're all going to school
together and stuff. But it was a good time, and then went back to the airbanb and just kind of hung out outside. It wasn't like cold, you know, it was just warm. It was like eighty five outside, just raining like crazy.
So we just sat.
Outside and just chilling and hanging out and having a good time and catching up. Drove back today, however, my mom, my mom, got a return ticket back today and she was at the other airport and Phoenix, which is.
Way on the east ship Mesa Gateway. Yeah, Masa Gateway. Oh it's strikes again. Yeah, yeah, years ago. God, it is hilarious. Pay attention. Yeah, we left it. It's so tiny. I thought it was way bigger.
Yeah, like, but we we left it at like nine five, right, drove the hour it was to get over there because we were in Glendale, like right next to the arena. Right, took an hour an hour to get over there. We had some cafe rio dropped her off, and then we had to drive the hour back and then from where we were it's still another four and a half hours. Yes, so yeah, what we started as nine forty five ended with six pm, like getting home finally.
Also, there was a point where I don't know what they were driving on the road. It was something fucking massive, but for a good stretch we were all going twenty miles an hour for a little while. Yeah, that sucked. I don't know what the fuck it was.
But it had a giant like police barricade with it going through and I'm like, I'm like, right, exactly, build a spaceship.
Whatever the fuck it was, But enough about that shit, No me, how's you weak? It was pretty good.
I was gonna Dome was also going to be at the graduation, and Dome's life changed because of having to be in in California, making that Cheddar all of a sudden, and I was going to be there, and then my father in law, his mom had passed away, and then.
My wife was like, well, we gotta go.
And I was like, she didn't go to our wedding. Why do we have to go to her funeral? True dick fashion, right, yeah, And she's like, well, it's not really for hers.
For Marvin. I'm like, okay, fair enough. I'm like, we can make that happen. We'll go. Like, where's it at?
So she sends me she text She texts me where the name of the town she wants to be buried in? And I just responded, where the fuck is that? And then she sent a screenshot of the map. So then I just pulled it up on my map more and a half hours from here from Kingman, which I was like, Okay, I've never been to that side of Arizona past Flagstaff. I've been down to Tucson, so I've been on the eastern side of Arizona, just on the southern side, not on the north.
Vastly different, vastly different.
So I was like, whatever little family trip, we're all going, right, we can do that. And so we go, and the plan was so we went Friday, got there at two, and then we stayed in the hotel, but we got there too because they had a pool so we could use.
The pool hang out, and then it was the On Saturday.
It was supposed to be funeral or viewing at nine, funeral at eleven, and then go to the cemetery, Barrier come back or not Burrier just put her in the hole. Then they come back later and fill it and then go back to the church, eat lunch. Then we would be on the road to two. Well, in weather fashion in Clay Springs, the weather was actually nice, but then when we got to the part of the cemetery it got super super windy, so they had delayed it because
it just was like insanely windy. And then when it got better, so like we came back we could do it. And then everybody's standing around and you just hear somebody go, no, they didn't include those in the van, And I was just like, Okay, now I gotta pay attention, like I got to hyper fixate to hear what they're talking about. The mortuary or whatever who brought her all the way that way forgot to put the straps to lower the
coffin into the hole. So you had a bunch of people that were scouring their trucks and vans to find rope and ratchet straps.
Awesome.
Wow.
At one point the coffin was tilted because the problem was the problem was whoever fucking dug this hole literally put the dirt right next to the hole.
So the people on the one side or on a dirt hill trying to balance and then also hold this coffin. And I mean, mind you, she was a small lady, she's like ninety five years old, right, but the coffin right, So you had all these tough ass cowboys trying to balance this thing. And at one point the flowers fall in off the coffin into the and I was just like, if this thing opens, people, shit.
So it sounds like the.
Music at the end of like a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode to be playing while this is happening.
Yeah. Yeah, So.
But she ended up getting laid down. Fine, it went good. We went back, had lunch. Well then because of that, we checked at the hotel because I was like, listen, I don't feel like driving right now, and getting back at getting back at home at eleven thirty at night, Like, I just don't feel like that, Like I'm at a position that I don't want to do that. And so we checked at the hotel and because the town we were staying in was like six thousand people, of course
there was vacancy. Yeah, you can extend your stay. So my my in law is extended their stay as well, and my sister in law came down. She didn't bring her kids, just her and we decided, well, since we're staying on the way home tomorrow, we can leave at you know, nine ten o'clock and we'll we'll hit up the We're going to hit the not the actual petrified forest, but they have a shop in a town called Whole Book Wholebrook that's a petrified wood shop and it's actually really,
really fucking cool. And then we're gonna hit up the meteor Crater. I've never seen it, and I was like, but it's on the way. So I was like, yeah, let's do that. So we get we get our breakfast that morning, we get everything packed. I pull up the car, we packed the car and uh, I pulled my car the way. Marvin brings his truck as my father in law brings his truck in, shuts it off, pack all their stuff. Cool, let's go turns the key dead. Is
a fucking door sh But it wasn't the battery. You could hear the clicking, and I was like, oh man, the worst part is he just had the starter replaced in the last like three to six months. So we're standing around trying to right next to them at dex to the hotels and AutoZone. So I run over there and say, hey, do you have a can you bring your diagnostic thing over there? And they're like, yeah, absolutely, But it's a Sunday, right, and you're talking to town
of six thousand people. So now we're looking up like mobile mechanics. The lady at the front desk. The lady at the front desk goes, I'll call my ex husband.
Somebody ows somebody this.
This dude rolls up, fucking jeans, boots, no T shirt, has got a tan a tank top, tan line tattoos from like nineteen.
Eighty nine, smell like marble.
He's driving like an O four Tahoe with no front bumper. But you know, like this fucker knows car, Yes, his car shitty, He knows what's up, right, So Marvin's like, you guys should just go ahead, like, don't wait for us, because this might be and this may be an all day thing, right, we may be stuck here another day, and we're like, okay, we're gonna go. So like Stone's travel today, my travel yesterday was we ended up leaving it about ten o'clock and I think we pulled into
our house at five thirty. But we stopped at the meteor Crater and we spent like an hour and a half there. So we actually stopped for the somebody, which I would say, like that was really fucking cool for being a big hole in the fucking ground. Their little museum was kind of cool. Definitely worth checking out. But man, this is a weekend of just like shit upon shit
back and forth like whatever. But I will say I think I sent you guys in the chat a picture of barbecue from Friday night, and that's the best barbecue I've had in the state of Arizona, like really hands down. And obviously I haven't hit every barbecue joint, and I'm sure there is something that's better, probably multiple things, but from all the barbecue I've had in Arizona, ain't none better than that little in Snowflake, Arizona.
Man, that place doesn't surprise me. It's filled with it's filled with you know, not to be that guy, but it's filled with those type of people. Right, It's filled with people who know how to barbecue. I mean, that's so there are it's not racist. It's not racist because it's white people. White people are one of the last people I would trust with barbecue. I'm saying. I mean that they don't have a whole lot, they don't have a whole lot of food places in that small ass city.
They have to barbecue, right, So yeah, I wouldn't trust white people with barbecue either, becausewitz.
Exactly the last time a bunch of white people got to get you know, you're eating people fucking cannibalism, Like we're it. You were idiots, dude, We're the last people you want to trust in general.
One of the things that's worth checking out. I didn't know this till my sister in law told us on the on part of the drive stone you need to look up one of the one of the there's this building in Snowflake And.
We were like, what the hell is this? It's like this huge fucking greenhouse. Oh, it's only like the largest supplier of medical marijuana made in the United States then in fucking snowflake Arizona. Just look it up sometimes so you can read about it's pretty fucking cool. But yeah, that's that's where that's at. But yeah, it was.
It was.
It was a good weekend, long story to wrap that up, but there was a lot of events that happened. We almost had a body fallout of a coffin, had a truck that wouldn't start. Oh, the best part was it actually wasn't the starter. It was a fucking wire that was from the battery. Was like, that connects to the starter. Yeah, so checks I mean, good news, bad right, But that's the last thing. You're four and a half hours from home.
You're ready to like get on the road and get going and your car doesn't starts.
Miserable dude, if it was me out of flipping my fucking vehicle. Yes, speaking of flipping, let's do something different. So I wanted to for our segment for these this episode, I wanted to do like a movie theme Devan like in movie. Lately, I've been watching a lot of TV because I've been stuck in hotel rooms, you know. And one thing that I thought about was taking a movie and flipping it and putting it into a different genre.
So like you've got Scream, and instead of Scream being a horror movie, what if Scream was like a love story? You know, how would that movie play out? And so I asked you guys to come up with like three movies that you could flip me on the flip on its side and turn it into something else, right, and then we would kind of bullshit about it a little bit. Okay,
So who's going on the first? So the first one that I that I've actually always wanted to see, and I've had this one stuck in my mind for a long time, is Charlie in the Chocolate Factory, right, And I think Charlie in the Chocolate Factory would be an amazing horror movie where they take like Willy Wonka and even Charlie and they have them kind of team up and they kill all of these kids and their parents and then like turn them into fucking uh candy, you know,
like they add them to the candy and whatnot, and and and like bompas are their little fucking gremlins. You could make them like little Gremlins and.
Ship yeah, you know, and the chocolate kind of sounds like what they're doing right now with like the Disney Reimagine.
One that they go to the similar never I think I think that'd be a really fun movie that, you know, the right in the right hands could really be an absolute fucking amazing thriller, horror slasher type movie, would be really psychedelic. You could have some super psychedelic like the Tunnel, you know, you could really turn that into something wild. Think it'd be kind of cool.
Okay, all right, I see what you're putting down. So one of mine also, I would like to change to a horror movie. And this is a movie we've discussed multiple times for different reasons on this podcast, and I'm gonna go with Heavyweights and the kids go to fat Camp to come to find out that instead of fat camp to have fun or lose weight, they're actually being poisoned and then hunted. And so the counselors who are
in shape are actually hunting them for court. And that is actually what Heavyweights knew.
Michael Myers fucking origin story or not, Michael Myers, Jason Jason, Yeah, yeah, I like it.
Yeah, that's some wild ship. I actually really liked this segment when you sent it in the rundown.
I was like, this could be fun.
This could be fun like simply like you could expound a whole lot, or you could keep it really simple and just let people let let their minds stick.
You know.
The image that came to mind was, but he's doing like the dodgeball cobras. He's going through the forest and then it's just this fat kid shivering, trying to fucking hide and it set a large same buddy, he's like bloody.
You guys remember later when they had that stump and they were hiding food in the stump and.
They were paying them. What if like a kid reaches in there and fucking bear trap arm gone, And that's how the whole horror thing kind of kicks off. Oh to be phenomenal. Oh love it. I love it. And then the blob instead of the blob, it's just like spikes like it.
Just no, no, the blobs reeled, but they're getting ejected into alligator infested waters like that.
It'd be dope. What do you got, stump? That's a that's a really good he was busy graduated. He's got an excuse. You know, he's got an excuse.
Actually wasn't on the list, or at least the list that I got. I didn't see that on there at all.
How did you graduate? Did not see it? He was busy graduating everybody. I was busy graduating education system in this country. God damn it. How about how about I go again? Okay, so I got one. I got one United ninety three.
But that plane that went down from nine to eleven, we changed it to like a comedy like Bill and Ted or Harold and Kumar, and it's just these two college guys that have to just just half you know, just happened to be of like air of descent, and they're just gonna go ahead and take some mushrooms on an airplane ride and ended up crashing against the ground because they believe the ground turned into a space monster and they had to save humanity.
For fox sake. It turns into it turns like this is the end where they got too high and they actually never dis Yeah, it turns into an entire electure. All right, all right, I got a comedy as well, actually the Green Mile. So instead of instead of John Henry, you know, going through this these trials and tribulations and
it being this like weird little mystery. It's him trying to escape, but he's just fumbling at every turn, and so like it's just NonStop jokes and the guards are making fun of them, and he's literally just he's constantly doing everything he can to try and escape. Rather than prove his innocence or you know, show this power that he has, he's just he's just trying to escape. It's just him trying to escape the whole fucking time. I
think that would be hilarious. See this giant, six foot eight, fucking black dude, you know, who's slightly retarded, trying to escape prison. But he still has his powers. He just doesn't know how to control them, you know, Okay, whatever those powers are. Sure. Sure.
I have another horror movie that is not a horror movie, and this one is a completely different story. It's the Wolf of Wall Street. It's actually a wolf that is just killing people on Wall Street. So it's a wolf that was raised in the subways, eating rats, and now it's gotten tired and gotten a taste for human flesh, and so it goes after it goes after Humans at Night on Wall Street.
And that's the Wall Street what if it's what if it's another horror film?
If it's another horror movie and it like it's like playing wolf and like one of the guys in the office is like killing everyone.
That's good Wolf. That's a good spin.
Like it's actually somebody that's a really good spin, a werewolf on Wall Street that's actually killing his his cos.
That's a great all right, So my bad.
I actually had episode one seventy four pulled up, and that's why I was like, it's not a fucking on here, No, it is, my bad.
My first one was actually four episodes.
My first one was actually a Schindler's List and it was turned into a porn and call it Shandler's the real thing.
Shout out.
Shout out to Orgasmo from from nineteen eighty five to Trade Parker. Uh No, another one I have on here was Grandma's Boy. But it's a drama and it's about like this high school kid that like is like kind of a flunk and nobody kind of likes him, and he goes to live with his grandma for the summer, and uh, his Grandma's like like secretly like a huge like pothead, and she like connects with him on like weed level, and he's like finally coming out of his
shell and he's feeling like a normal person. And then she chokes on like a gummy and she dies and the family is like, you're a drug addict and you killed your grandma, and like it gets even worse for him.
That would turn into a sad, sad movie, real quick, sad movie, real fast. I like that, though I would watch Hits for Gigi. I like that. My last one is actually Happy Gilmore, but you turn it into an m night shamal on like mystery thriller kind of movie where Happy is actually dead and Chubbs is his like
guide that's trying to guide him into the afterlife. So like you add like an eerie theme to it, where like maybe something's always a miss in the like through the whole movie, there's always something that's just a miss. There's something that's wrong, but he Happy can't put his finger on it right, and it wasn't really It wasn't really his grandpa that died, you know what I mean? It was him. Okay, it's a good twist. I think that'd be kind of good. I like it.
My last one is a silent film, and it's it's turning into a silent film. It originally is a horror film, h and it's The Quiet Place and it's literally just a fucking quiet little prairie with two people that sit there and farm all day long, but no word is spoken, and it's it's just the movie a quiet place.
That's it can every once in a while you just write like an alien crawling around in the background. Like it's like it's like a spot that you know, like the spot that magazines right where you just like, oh, look there's that, or oh there's that the I spy just an I spy movie? Did you call this spot that?
I played along like yeah, like I have no fucking clue what you're talking about. I've ever heard of a spot that. And then he said I spy and I'm like, oh, that's.
What he meant. Same fucking thing checks out. Yeah, whatever, you got another one Stoned? Did you have one more stone? Yeah? My last one was The Sandlot. Remake it into a horror movie. It's like, we're ready for fucking Halloween already. Man.
Just I know it's so much it's so much fun just coming up with, especially like horror movie.
Ideas, you know, so they're so easy to spin, right, you know, Yeah, I could see I could see the Sandlot being a horror But who's the main villain? The dog Squint?
Squints betrayed everybody it's been it's been his dog this whole time.
No, the villains, the villain is the is actually the dogs. Yeah, it's a spin off of the actual real story where he the dog kills kids.
Yeah, it's Squint.
Turns out it's Squint's dad, and Squints was like, I actually took that dog because he was oppressive, like or Squint.
Squints gets jealous of Wendy and he's killing everybody at the pool who's trying to hit on Wendy. And the scene, the scene where puke because of the the chew is actually him poisoning them. Oh good one gonna kill all his friends. Yeah, I'm down. I can dig it. I can dig it. Hm, you guys won't take a break? Yeah no, not yet. No, No I don't. I'm sure I will in a second, but just write this second. Do you know what the difference between jam and Marmaladar?
You can't jam, you're you can't marmalade, you're dick in a jar. I was gonna say pigeon, but yeah, close enough.
We can take a break. We can take a break now. On that note, on that, welcome back to Channel the News. I'm your host, squirt about him joining me later, Chip, sell it quick and storm a blowing. In our first story, a boss that a sexual wellness startup orders staff to
have sex to relieve tension, so the court hears. Executives at an orgasmic meditation startup were forced their staff to have sex with each other in an attempt to relieve the tension between them, So a federal trial had heard one taste founder Nicole can't pronounce her last name, but she's fifty seven and smoking fucking hot. A former head of sales, Rachel, can't pronounce her name, but it ends with wits, so she must be Jewish forty four. I'm
guessing she's the fat one that's less attractive. They were charged with one count of forced labor conspiracy after they forced tried forcing their employees to have sex with one another. And all I'm saying around here with Channel OFY News is when do we get to have sex with our producer. This is some bullshit going on. Strike Chip, are you there?
God damn squirt mud bottom. It is good to hear your voice.
Yes, if everyone in my work bay slept with each other, they might have a body count of zero because it's just me and this van.
Anyways, my shitbag name of the wake is going to be Blake Lively. Blake Lively took one of the world's most sacred treasures away from us. That was Ryan Reynolds.
Now we cannot look at Ryan without seeing him tremble from anxiety. Has everyone else on the cast of whatever fucking movie she was in? Because I don't give a shit about that movie. He's trembling in anxiety as well, because this cunt straight up took the world and said, you know what, I'm gonna make shit movies like The Green Lantern with coincidentally, Ryan Reynolds. But he's gotten better Deadpool. Good shit, good shit. For anyone's available for to come
around on Friday night. I'm available because I live in a van down by the river by myself and well Chris Rawley died.
May Chris. Anyways, check back to you, fuck Blake things.
I would love to do fuck Blake Lively storm of blowing. Speaking of blowing, the producer, what do you got for us?
Yeah, yeah, loo guys. Yeah, uh, you guys don't have sex with your coworkers.
Uh scuirtly, Bob the camera man over here, he'd be fucking me all the time.
Yeah, the fucking idiot. He gets too close with the fucking camera. He hits me in the head with it. I got fucking four lumps on my forehead. Dumb some bitch. Anyway, you guys, you guys see these volcanos all over the world being like exploding and shit. You guys, ever wonder what it takes for for like a volcano to erupting and whatnot. I looked it up, and I guess it's maga, which is molten rock, maltine rock. It builds up under the ground in the chambers of secrets, along with gases
from the Earth's farts and stuff. And then like after a little while, Uh, there's something that happens, like a trigger or something, so like somebody probably talks about feminism or some shit, and uh and the bamboom, you know, baby shit, fuck Earth, Earth is popping like a pimple on miss Jackson's asshole.
You know.
Uh, we've had twelve new eruptions in this last year so far, uh, since January. And I'm not saying it's dan to the earth or what, but I guess when the maga is erupting.
Hm.
Anyways, Uh, I guess the West coast is gonna be kind of warm with some rain all week, but no Maga eruptions here.
It back, you guys who blew the top off that story. Huh uh.
In my last story, Man Cooks is Chihuahua. An Alabama pet owner, is facing charges after he confesses to putting his dog in the oven alive to stop it from barking. When asked what happened, he said, well, the Chinese people can do it and serve it. So I figured, why not mean?
I mean I fucking told Freddy not to do that again. Oh shit, it's cats, not fucking dogs. He don't listen whatever.
He got tired of hearing roll Tide bark, so he put roll tied into the oven. But for channelty news, Uh, I'm your host, squirt, my bottom chip sel a quick storm of blowing. We'll catch you next time.
Peace out. It's kind of wild that there's a ton of eruptions all over the world. I think they're kind of cool.
I feel like every day on the news you're seeing like all this volcanic activity, earthquake activity.
It's like, yeah, it's like, uh, can you guys wait a couple hundred years, let our family's lines play out, and then you know, after a certain amount, you know, like like after five family lines, you're like, yeah, you're my lineage.
But at the same time, yeah, give me a hundo, Like give me a hundred give me a just get past, get past my kids, kids, and then we're golden. You don't even know them. Yeah, them kids, right, they come up to the afterlife and they're like, oh my god, you're my great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather. The fuck up in here with the ship, bitch, speaking of kids, That's exactly what I would say.
I mean, you know what, you know, it's about ended times when you have like when you when you have listeners of dads on dayquo that are still popping out getting ready to pop out kids the next night.
Yeah, oh yeah, you know what I'm saying. Yeah, late that one. If you if your age is fifty five and you divide it by five, and that's how many kids you have. You should probably put a different lock on your door and by locking me and have a history to me. Yeah yeah, wild shit kids. Uh, what are some movies you guys like to watch with your kids?
You guys, Debbie does Dallas. I was thinking of because, like I realized, I realized that I don't have too many movies that I sit down and like routinely watch again and again with my kids, like we have. We have a tent. We have a tendency to just kind of cycle through like new movies and things like that. We do seasonal movies like the Santa Claus, Harry Potter,
you know, the Christmas Story, things like that. There's there's really only like two movies that we sit down and kind of watch over and over again sometimes and one of them is not even a movie. So I was wondering if you guys have those like regulars. Ever since my kids were no longer like tiny kids like yours, Jordan, like your girls, we just don't watch movies over and over again. See.
I think that's where I'm at in the stage of of life. Is you know that my four year old she when she gets onto something, that's all she wants to watch. So it's like just rinse wash repeat, rinse wash repeat. But she's she has been for a while now and still is really in the Harry Potter. So it kind of falls back into Harry Potter, which I'm all about because with that many movies you can pick up things you didn't pick up before, like just little things,
little tiny things, which is cool. But she likes there's some shows she likes watching. My little One's too little like her thing right now is you know, like missus Rachel and like that.
Yeah yeah.
And then my son, My son and I are like drastically different when it comes to ourself. Like he there's some things that he'll come out and say, oh I watched this, and I'll laugh like, oh yeah. But like I tried to have him watch Tropic Thunder a couple of weeks back. He's like, yeah, I couldn't get into it. I'm like the fuck out of my house, fucking piece of shit. She'd have sent you with your mom surprises for him.
He's he's he's really an anime. Uh And I'm I am not, I never have been, never will be. It's just not my thing.
But he loves anime and loves all of it. But we try to find common ground and watch some stuff together. He likes to watch stuff with my wife and I though, like documentary shit. And when we're watching, the problem is he'll come in and out so like he'll miss episodes and then he'll hop in it like so what's going on with this? And we're like, that was like five episodes ago, but yeah, what about you Stone?
Uh.
One of my all time favorites with Avery is Reckon Ralph. Yeah.
We watched that one a lot. That one's a special one for us. That one especially bonded us really well because that was right when her situation happened and she also broke her.
Leg, like.
Yeah, and so it was like very much like you know, she's like I need you dad, you know, and I was there and just that with her. So like every time we watch it, she especially gets very cudd away during that movie and she just wants to just cuddle up and watch it.
When you guys dress up is fix It Felix and wreck It Ralpherd. Yeah, and that was the best. That was great. That was really good. She was so proud of it too.
I was like, you don't want to go as Vanilla Pee and she was like, no, I want to go as Fas to Felix. And I was like, I was like, please do not transition when you're older, kid, Please do not.
Here's my little girl. I'm a dude. Dad, it's sir. It's sir so funny. Oh yeah, this seems great. Yeah, I love it. But yeah, I don't know. It's it's tough.
But I had the same issue though, like with my parents, like we watched some stuff together. My mom always fell asleep though, But but I feel like our generation appreciates the generation before us movies more than the generation behind us appreciating.
Yeah, I mean so, like with my dad, I used to watch stupid shit like mash and a show called Charlie Chan. There was a mystery show as a Chinese guy called Charlie Chan and uh it was an old mystery theater episodes, uh, and then Andy Griffith Show. My dad used to watch Andy Griffith Show a lot, and so I would sit after school and do homework while he sat there, you know, and did his thing and watched his shows and stuff like that, and then sports like I mean me and my dad had sports and
common horse racing, betting things like that. But like with me and my kids, we we I have anime with Grayson and like we'll watch Me and Grayson will watch certain anime shows together. But the girls don't like that. The girls like things like full House and Dance Moms, and not that I dislike full House, but it's not the same as when I was a kid, so I don't I don't really get into it, you know what I mean, And Dance Moms. I don't like the reality
TV shows anymore. There's there's a few of them that I don't mind sitting through, like Survivor I can still probably sit through and things like that. But you know, the shows that the girls watch, they just you know, and even some of the movies they don't again, they we don't really rinse and repeat movies like we used to, like The Princess and The Frog, Brave Toy, Story Wreck It Ralph, we don't. We don't rinse and repeat those anymore.
We just don't. Right, they're at it, they're at a different stage in their life than, you know, than it used to be. So I don't know. I was just thinking about that and then the other thing I was thinking about is like some of the that that got me thinking about like my guilty pleasure movies, because I have movies that you know, I will put on at certain times when I'm feeling a certain way and not I don't really know if anybody knows that I watch them.
I was kind of thinking, like I was kind of thinking of that, like for like for when like it's Richie rich Like I know we've talked about you rich Yeah, you know what I mean, But like that that's a movie that at certain times when I'm feeling a certain way, I'll put on and I'll watch it without hesitation, and I can probably recite that, yeah, fucking forwards and backwards. Yeah, see, I took it.
I took it a different route of like guilty pleasures of things you wouldn't expect your homies to watch, you know, like like things that you're like, there's no way that you enjoy that movie, right, but but you actually do. And actually, for me, it's like a lot of a lot of like Chicken, Yes, Like one of my favorites is how to How to Lose a Guy, Like it's a hilariously fucking movie. Uh, and and the the only reason I watched it was because when I went to Hawaii,
that was the movie. That was when they would do movies on flights. But it was one movie and that's all you got, right, and it's on a screen, so everybody's watching it where you're doing.
Something else, and that was the movie.
And so I remember siting and they're laughing my ass off on the planet like this is hilarious, and uh, because I was seventeen, and so I understood, you know, most of the references and everything. But you know, like movies like that or even like Can't Hardly Wait is
kind of teetering on the borderline for me. But I would say for me, like you name a chick flick, and I probably enjoy it outside of like The Notebook, I've never watched that all the way through, nor will I because that's just but like rom coms, like I guess I should specify rom comms.
Rom coms. I like rom coms. I like rom coms. There was one, there was an Asian one that was just on Netflix that was funny. I can't remember what it was, Filthy Rich Asian or something like that. That was pretty funny. What about you Stone.
You know, I have a list here, but actually just thought of one that I think I would want to put on there too, So I'm gonna go with that one first. What was that movie with Anna Faris and Uma Thurman when they had like superpowers that rom com and like I had, like Luke Wilson.
Oh, I remember what you're talking about. Let me look it up while you're talking about something else. My super ex girlfriend. There we go. Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah, it.
Was my super ex girlfriend. That one is like a like a fun one to watch. That'd be like a round comrade, throw it out there.
That that felt like a uh yeah, a rip off from the one that had Hancock with Will Smith. That's a good that's a good point to the theory of two. Yeah. Yeah, but uh like another movie that that was that made it to my list was A King and a Kid in King Arthur's Court is like it's yeah, it's the same vein. Yeah, it's in the same vein, like kids
like that. That's my guilty pleasure is like it's like old school kid kid movies like you know, Young teen did Disney movies like that just have this good theme, wholesome theme to it. You know.
See, I would say those were my guilty pleasures when I was in like later high school, like during summertime, if I was at home and like weren't hanging out with friends, I would throw green. I would throw on blank Check Richie rich You know those movies like yeah they all right, yeah, the Sinbad movie where he's a genie.
Because that was a real that was a real thing. Don't let him guess. Fuck that bullshit. Real shit was re absolutely.
I like, though, I I always like the guilty pleasures and hearing what people are into that they don't want to tell you.
I like.
I like rom coms too, though, I'm I'm with you on that one.
One thing my mom actually brought up this weekend. We were talking about it, and she was like, you and your fucking father would sit down and would watch those goddamn Clint Clint Eastwood spaghetti westerns, And I was like, they were the best. I could sit there, like two and a ridiculously long two and a half hour movie, but it was such a cinematic masterpiece.
Uh.
Also side note, those movies are like horrible for of lines because they would not watch the playback and because they would just say it so like their shit wasn't timed up, and you were like, I do.
Just kind of enjoy I do kind of enjoy watching a film where the voice is like and then everything comes in. You know, I fucking it drives me nuts, but I do.
I do.
It's one of those like I don't know, happy annoyance. There's because I get a kick out of it.
Very few movies that I can enjoy. And I think you guys know this about me, Like I am not a subtitles person, and there's very few. However, one of my favorite, Like if I if I had to list top five movies of all time, this would be in contention. And it is a partial subtitle movie and that's inglorious bastards. Yes, it's just a fucking masterpiece of the movie masterpiece. I mean it's the way I can't remember the guy's name, his real name, but plays plays the the s Trust officer.
Yeah.
Man, he just destroyed that role. So everybody liked, even the guys that got shot in the face.
You talk about performances where like future like theater and actor kids, you know, like someone who does like a master's thesis on a performance. Somebody has written about his performance and a master's thesis that's like damn.
And I do love though in that movie because I was just watching it a couple of weeks ago and then this, this conversation reminded me of it. But I love how he in the end of the movie, he's on the phone with with brad Pitt's you know, commanding officer, and he's making all these demands and brad Pitt just has to basically go along with it. And then uh so him and the guy that plays what's his name from the office, and uh they're trans they're transporting him
and his people. They just yeah, they just they yeah, that's right. And they pull off to the side of the road, kill the other guys, and then they fucking tag the Nazi symbol in his forehead, just like, fuck you. You're gonna get everything you wanted, but we're giving you this.
Because go fuck yourself. I did take that deal. Take that deal.
I take that deal. God don't blame you. Damn good deal, so good. It's so good, so fucking good. You know.
It's another guilty pleasure for me. Is a big trouble in Little China. It's a great movie. I have to put that on once twice a year. That's a great movie. Yeah, that's a great, good one movie.
Movies have peaked like that. I I feel like we're at an impass of something has to happen or movies, because that's why they just keep rinse and washing and repeating and trying to remake ship. And it's like like people's minds are just like that we've made everything or something.
You know.
It's just like movies just aren't what they used to be.
Yeah, what's your guys' opinion on them remaking How to Train Your Dragon? Putting it quote unquote live action when really everything is still green screen CGI, and it's they're just.
Putting out really live action people in there.
Yeah, like there's gonna be almost none of it. That's like real, Like at least with the with the Minecraft movie, they actually built whole sets for that movie, so it wasn't all three D or it wasn't all uh CGI.
But with that movie, you know, I I I don't know, I wasn't really happy with it. I didn't think that they needed to do it.
And I think that's just the point to my point of they keep doing live actions of all these movies that we had as cartoons. And it's just because they have they have like writers block they can't figure out all these other like when was the last movie that you can remember that was like some blockbuster that was gonna come out to theaters that you had to go see the last one?
I'm actually not even I don't feel the same way as a Marvel movie.
The last Batman would be the one that I could think of. When I went and saw Batman back in what twenty.
I couldn't even tell you smile maybe yeah, maybe yeah, smile. For me, that was that was a movie where it made me get up, and it didn't. It didn't make me rush to the theater to go see it though, like I said, yeah, oh that looks good, that looks creepy, and I want to see it, But it didn't push me to the doors, right, Yeah, So I.
Guess I guess the last one that I could think of would have been Top Gun Maverick actually, which would be newer.
Yeah.
And the only reason I did it was because all the buzz of people like this is such a good fun I'm like, fuck it, like, let's go see this in movie theaters just to see what the buzz is and I one way like it was a good movie, like you guys over sold it and it's still it's still delivered.
Yeah, still slapped. No, All right, well you got anything else? I didn't think.
So I do have an outro joke pre you guys, Oh yeah, yeah, hell yeah. So this guy gets marooned on this island and he is just so pissed off and was like, fuck by myself, got to make shit work. But he discovers on this island that there's like some animals and he've befriends a pig and he's with a pig all day long, every day for months and months and months, and then one day that pig starts looking pretty good and he's like, I don't know, maybe something
could happen. So he tries to make things happen with the pig, but the pig doesn't want any of it, and he's passed and he's trying for days on end, and this beautiful, smoking hot woman gets marooned in the island too, and she's like, oh my god, you know what's going on. He's like, thank God, can you hold down that fucking pig? Jesus shout out to Golden girls.
That's good stuff, all right.
Well, Dad's on Dake episode one seventy eight, Catch next.
Week said later, you know what I mean. I was letting him do it.
Oh you were that one time you told the joke and I immediately interrupted talking about.
Your dad, like I just couldn't help myself. God damn, that was such an asshole thing. It was so funny. It's just like perfect comedian time. Abso the amount of regret in your face.
As I was finishing, said like, oh my god, I'm I think I said it right. I was like, I'm so sorry.
It's one of those intrusive thoughts that Master himself is a good joke in your head.
Yeah, you're like, I think this will slap absolutely. Yeah. My mind went to a five year old self where you just do what you think. It's all right, though, Hey do you guys, do you guys know how Hitler picks up hot Jewish girls with the less bend and brushongs with the desk nice scoopie juice
Every