Welcome to Dad's One Day Clok. Parental discussion is advised mature content beyond this point.
You know, I asked my brother to pass me the travel pamphlet. He said, bro sure, stupid.
You know, I really thought you turned the pages on bad jokes.
Yeah, got a bucket for next time. I guess.
You get that joke off the Brail magazine Brail Monthly Highlights Light.
I got it from the reading section of Penthouse Braille. Huge hold on, Oh no, that's a dick. You know what's crazy is like the blind people like would never know that the magazine is not just for them. They actually put the words right above the little symbols like them.
Well cool, all right, let's go.
They're there like, damn, only I can read above this pussy. No, the pictures puss is right there next to the braille.
Only I.
One, I'm domb, I'm stone baby.
Hm hmm.
You know I was thinking before you even said the eyepart, I was thinking, you're like, oh my god, like that's that's actually a dick. Like how would you know what a dick looks like if you were blind and you were reading Braille.
Because you have a dick as your dude, you don't know what it looks like. But then again, that question is valid for like a lady, right, white lady reading was like, Oh, it could be a dude.
Yeah, it could be. I mean it could be anything, could be a dude playing a dude, just as a dude.
This guise is another dude.
Yeah, how like have you ever thought about blind people, like, actually really thought about him?
No, fuck him and lightly slightly I mean it, you know, kind of comes with my territory.
Yeah, I mean they don't they don't see anything, Like it's they see something allegedly, like they see something, right, but it's black, Like it's just it's like, is it just just seriously is it just to dream? But what they dream about? How do they know? I get people
who once could see and now cannot. I understand that because you have you have a memory of the images you did see, right, that stuff is essentially burned into your retinas, into your memory, right, that's how pictures are just fucking etched into your dumb But for people who grew up not being able to see or not associating, like they were never old enough to associate what they were seeing with the words that they were.
Called think about like truly stone blind since birth has never seen anything.
Yeah, they don't know what the fuck you're talking about. There's no way they could.
Are you a tits or an as man who gives a shit? Yeah?
No, it's Mayhem. But wait, I mean, are they just liars? Do they do they lie? Do they placate just for our feelings? Like? Do they do it to make us feel good? I don't think.
I don't know, Just speaking speaking of random though. I yesterday we were at the rodeo and there was a retard in the front row, like five rows in front of me, and I wanted to take a video so bad, but I was like, it's twenty twenty five and everybody's got their phone down, so somebody's gonna be video tape b videotaping the retard and then I'm gonna get called out. So I was just like, I'm just gonna let it go. But dude was living life. He had some like Jim
shirt on and he had shark swim trunks on. He had to be me no, because this dude had had a mohawk. So but yeah, I mean, you guys looked very, very similar, except for he had hair.
Under Bucks says, he his pants.
Not as much. He probably didn't have as much food on his shirt.
Guarantee that he didn't look as regarded. You look retarded with your like ketchup and mustard state.
And he probably enunciated his words better too. I fucking guarantee that.
Actually I could hear everything he was saying, and he was.
He was fairly sharp, like when conversations he was having, because I would if I had to guess, he was probably like late twenties.
Most autistic people are, they're pretty, they're pretty savvy.
No, this was an autistic This was he.
Was.
He was truly a retard.
Gone.
Yeah, yeah, anyway, I'll just says I'm already talking. I'll just go with my dad story. So today a good week, uh, like I said, went to the rodeo. And then today actually instead of getting gifts for our anniversary, my wife and I decided that we would go back to the place where we got married, which is a golf spot. And I went and played golf, and she went to the spa, so she got a massage and like a manicure and pedicure, and I went and played.
Golf and I both fucked.
Yeah, No, I mean maybe her, but me, like, I don't know.
The the course you've played it, it is difficult, like if you can't stay. There's not much rough. It's it's either you're in the fairway or you're looking for your ball.
Yeah, there's not a whole lot of room for air at all.
No, And.
So I text you on the front nine because I was doing way better than I expected.
I was gonna do right.
And so all in all, I so what I did was on every hole that I parred, but I had a shot at birdie within twenty feet. I made an asterisk underneath my score because it was like, to me, within twenty feet, I feel that I have a legitimate chance to at least get a birdie. I'm not gonna get it, but I have a chance at it, right. I actually didn't three put any hole all day long,
and I ended up shooting a fucking seventy seven. Wow, a five over, a shot three over on the front and a two over on the back and seven impressive seven holes. I missed birdie from within twenty feet.
That's pretty impressive.
I was.
I was like, something's wrong here. I almost had the O shit moment on hole eighteen. First shot, first of all fairways, like the widest of any hole, and then there's a you'd have to hit it three sixty to get to water, so there's no way I'm gonna get there right. I'm looking and I'm like, this cart in front of me, I can't find it. I'm looking, and Laughlin Ranch has all these hills and crevices, but I'm like, I'm waiting minutes, and I'm like, there is nothing there.
So I just I pissed missile one down the left hand side of the fairway, and it was so good. I had multiple shots like this.
It was so good.
I just picked my tea up and started walking back to the cart. I didn't even watch the ball because I knew where it was going right.
It was. It was a great feeling.
I get to the cart, I start driving and I pull up and I'm like, where the fuck did they come from?
There?
There is a cart and one guy is like heading into the like little ditch area looking for his ball, and the other guy's in the cart on the fairway, and no fucking lie. I'm like, my ball's got to be very close to them. But I'm like, but they were not there when I teed off, right, I don't know where they came from. So I pulled up my rangefinder to look. My ball was twenty yards in front of their cart.
Jesus nice.
Actually, Lachlan Ranch has a really cool feature on their carts where you press a button to record your shot distance and as you start driving it to record your distance. Right, So that shot was two hundred and ninety seven yards.
Who yeah, that's pretty damn good.
Yeah, and then I and then I and then I chunked my.
Second shot appropriately as as I still had two hundred and ninety yards left on my second as a long bar five.
It was fun. I had a blast. I would like to go. It was dead.
It was fucking dead, which was phenomenal. But I'd like to get get out there with you and I. I have some march tricks, march call out work.
Yeah, yeah, fuck it.
Celebrate my anniversary absolutely Stone.
Actually, let's go with Dome first and Stones run down. We'll let him go last so then he can rotate in what do you got, Dome?
So happy anniversary. I will say it now because I'll probably forget in the morning, so you know, I'll say that now get it out of the way. I went to Phoenix. Uh. So tomorrow is actually Cali's birthday. Ironically enough, you guys share that moment, you know, your daughter and your anniversary and.
The Titanic and Lincoln getting shot.
Yeah.
I think the first black guy to play in the MLB was on the same day too.
I don't know about that one.
Yeah.
I looked up sad moments in history and I came up with there's.
Just one after the other.
Yours was at the tap of yeah as one.
Right, So we went, Uh, we went down to Phoenix.
Uh.
It's also yesterday was Steph's birthday, so Ryan's wife, you know, my brother from another mother. So we went down to go to the aquarium for Cali to celebrate her birthday, and then on Saturday we had a little party for Steph to say birthday for her. So it was fun. It was a good time at the aquarium. We were lucky enough to get there super early. My kids managed to get up bright and early and we got there when the doors opened, which was really nice because there
was nobody there. We just kind of walked through the whole thing with maybe twenty five people around us.
Is this the one that's over like in Scottsdale.
Yeah, it's called the Odyssey. Yeah, okay, it's a really good place. The only downside that I had this time because we've been there before, but this time there were a lot of exhibits that were down for cleaning and maintenance and things like that, and enough enough to where I felt and all jew aside, but enough there were enough exhibits down. I felt that the price should have been reduced for sure, because it was it was like
fifteen there was a ton of them. Every time you turn a corner, there was something that wasn't in a tank or something that wasn't you know, you like the two of the touch ponds were down. You couldn't do them so and that's kind of a big part for kids, and so I was a little bit disappointed with that. But the kids had a good time nonetheless, and we we kind of went around and I let the kids really just roam and do what they wanted as long as they stayed within eyesight. And I had my own fun,
playing my own game because I had gas. So what I did was I walked around people with kids, and I shipped my pants right next to them to see if I could to see if I could get them to believe it on their kid. And my proudest moment was when I had a dad literally out loud go oh my god, and he grabs his kid and pulls him out of the stroller and sniffs his ass and goes, honey, was that you?
And meanwhile you're just crop dust in the Yeah it mustard on a shirt.
It was like fucking Germany. It was like Germany and World War Dude. I was dropping bombs left and right, just fucking air dropping them. It was fantastic. And uh. And then I had a discussion with my kid with and I'll let you figure out which one it is, whether or not I could beat up a penguin. So yeah, so Emperor Peg was the answer. Can grow? The kid thought. I couldn't.
Answer.
I could beat the ship out of a penguin.
You can't even take on a mountain lion of the fucking finger take on a one of us on a penguin. It's clearly agent. Yeah that real quick, I know.
I had a fucking road runner come up to me at at I was sitting in my cart. It got within three feet of me. They looked at me and I finally got up out of my cart with my club and I'm like, hell, you didn't even budge. And I'm like, okay, get this was on eighteen. This is where I almost had my breakdown. He was in my fucking mind. He went behind me and I went to go swing and I was like wait, and then I
look back. He's two three feet behind me again and he's making this fucking clicking noise and I'm like.
Yeah, I'm like, what the fuck is going on?
They're little baby raptors, dude, they're baby raptors. I would fuck with a mountain lion. Yeah, but I'm no, they're vicious, dude. They are vicious, and they met talents. They've got talents on them. I've seen them motherfuckers open up a rabbit.
Dude Like yeah, no, anyway, I'm just imagining Jordan being like one of the sand people on Star Wars and the golf course.
Golf Club.
A video while don't finish.
It's one of those. It's one of those chain reactions where he jumps out of the cart, screaming with his golf club of his head, the golf carts still moving because it's not fucking it's not Bark, and then it's it's fucking Jordan chasing the golf cart and the road runner chasing court Jordan.
I had my life flashed before my eyes today. I went to go to my ball and it was on the other side of the sand trap, and then I it started beeping at me because they have sensors on them, so if you get past those cart pass signs and they well, you won't stop.
So I was like, fuck, I'll turn around. So I turned around.
I started like hauling ass and I slam on my brakes because I thought I was going to the path between the two sand traps. Another two feet and I would have been face first into the sandtrap from the top.
It was one of thosefuckers, like.
That's an expensive one too, cars aren't.
I just walked off.
I mean, they know who's got the car, but I would have walked off. Maybe anyway, just.
Beat your self up with the club back.
Somebody stole it.
It was a roadrunner.
I got the heal proof, so.
Yeah, that was it. We had a good weekend and then we came back and I you know, came back, jockeyed some kids around because it's our switch off week or switch off day.
So it's about it nice, nice, don't I had an interesting week. On Thursday, I got off work a little bit early and I went over to go see both of my Valentine play with Trivium, August Burn's Red and Out sliceoses Silosis silosis. There we go. I hate pronouncing your name, might just like to get invest to me.
But when when I left, I was getting on the freeway and head into the strip, and it was kind of like off the strip, a little bit in the in the in the Palms, which is a little bit off and it's not directly on the strip, but I got to go through all the traffic and everything, and you know, I fucking hate going through five o'clock rush
Hower and everything, and especially going on fifteen. But as I was on the freeway and I was like just doing seventy going through the middle lane, there's this car to the right of me that I'm coming up too quickly right, and it's going maybe like fifty five miles an hour, and it has its left turn segal on, but it's not making any moves. And I was like, cool, I'm just gonna blow right past it because that's my
natural path. Of progression. As I get about maybe fifteen feet away from it, it decides to cut over in front of me, going fifty five. I'm going seventy right, So I fucking slammed on my brakes. Right, I'm laying on the fucking horn. And I got like two feet away from this bitch right, and I looked my left and no one on my left. I swiped the left real fast, fucking kick it up, get right next to her right, roll down my window, and this is lady
that looks like an Amish lady. I'm not joking you, right, it got like fucking head dress, possibly possibly, but like headdress and everything, and like the fucking dress, Like what the fuck? So and she'd her window down right. I don't I don't know if she could hear me or not, but damn I was pumped up, and I was like, what the fuck were you doing, you stupid fucking bitch. Right, I'm yelling. Probably couldn't hear me. I'm going, you know,
we're a fucking houl in the freeway. It's loud as shit, right, but I could see her eyebrows like raised a little bit, and she just kind of like looks like to the right of her, like, oh my gosh, this guy really on at me. I'm like, yeah, I'm fired up about to go to a metal show, about to throw you in the pick because I was really fucking stupid.
Man.
I was pissed off. And I get to the I get to the show, and when when the first band goes on, I had some jack and coke in me and a little bit of the Green Monster, and I literally halfway through the show just went fuck that amss bitch and was just headbanging and was like, yeah, this is a great time, but you almost got taken out on the freeway. And then the other part of my
week was even funnier. I went to Tarja to go fuck around with the kid and the girlfriend and my I love slapstick humor, right like Tom and Jerry leaningtunees whatever. I love slapstick humor. It's just really funny, you know, and especially it makes my kid laugh, like really hard. But I especially loved doing it out in public, right, And my favorite thing in the world is too, you know, like the end caps in the aisles where the bottom of the metal tray on the shelves kind of sticks
out a little bit. I love pretending to trip over that and making a loud sound and just going oh shit, right and just embarrassing whoever I'm with, Right, I love doing that shit. So I decided to do one. But I I selled it like a little too hard, and when I hit it and I started like flying over the end cap, I went to like brace myself and kind of like catch my arm on a shelf, and my wristbone collided with the metal shelf, going like mock two.
I thought I broke it for a second, like it went clang, and I was like, oh fuck, oh shit. So I'm over here like, oh god, I really fucking hurt myself this time, right, And my kid was liked ha ha ha, and Alyssa was like, how about you not hurt yourself because we got to go to Disneyland's at some point this year. And I was like, ah, yeah, we're good, We're fine. Oh no, Dad almost fell and I went to turn my wrists and I went fuck
and like I just started walking in the aisle. I'm tearing up, and I'm like, dude, I think fraction my pone. Luckily I didn't. There was just a massive bruise on my wrist bone that was there for a couple of days. But oh my god, I was like, all right, I got donned down a little bit.
Whoops.
It sounds like you were a true crack away from actually not having to you know, have a legit. Excuse me, Like, hey, babe, I can't really jack off, so you're.
Gonna have to help me out. So you're gonna have you gotta get the stranger going, you know, gotta get the stranger going. Yeah. Yeah, that was That was my week, you know. And if anybody out there is going to take inspiration from either of those stories, I don't know what the fuck inspiration you could take, but just be a better person, I guess. But we're gonna come in and we're gonna give the audience, uh, some people that we look up to from their inspirational stories, you know.
And we got two people each most kind of round Robin att and go one at a time. My first person on my list was a Rick moranis cool. You know, I really look up to Rick because you know, Rick moranis He came out of Second City, Chicago, starring in SETV, which was a rival to Saturday to Night Live in the seventies and eighties, you know, and he was one of the biggest film and TV stars of the eighties
and nineties. You know, box office successes. Household Name Honey, Ashrunk, The Kids, Baseball's, Ghostbusters, The Little Chap of Horrors, Flintstones, and Little Giants just named some of the biggest box office movies that he was in in cult classics. In nineteen ninety one, his wife died of cancer, leaving him their two very small children. And he did some movies after that, but he really like like slowed down the time that he did those in instead of you know,
doing multiple in a year. And then eventually after his last real movie came out, which was last real movie that he was like starring in, which was Big Bully in Night in ninety seven, he was like, you know what, fuck this, I can't do this anymore. I got to raise my kids full time. I got to be their dad. The mom's gone, we need to go ahead and do it with Hollywood. So he left his career, right, he left his like big, massive career that he had spent twenty years building up to to go and be a dad,
to do the right thing. It was be a parent you know, be a parent full time and take care of those kids that you should do, you know. And I just love his story and I look up to it so much, and as being a full time single dad myself. Like, you know, I fucking I get it.
You know.
I can't go out into the world, you know, and bless the world with my beautiful creativity you know, and music, you know, beautiful musicians.
Ship.
I know everybody wants to hear I know, I know, folks, I know you guys been calling out to the stone. We want to hear those shitty reps. I get it, I get it. Calm down, it's fine, We're good. But I can't give it to y'all. Know why Because I got to kid the raise man, got a kid the Raise. But no, I really do look up to Rick moranis I really look up the story a lot. That's good.
That's that.
I would never have expected that that name to come out, But that's like that one all. Yeah.
So I don't really have anybody that inspires me. I don't really roll like that. So I mean, if you're going to force my hand, maybe Robin Williams, you know, m the later years.
Yeah, you know, I just it's Cater Bennington, Yeah, Mary lou List goes on and Frank It's fine.
No, like I, I just it's not it's not me. I don't have people that I I feel do that exact thing for me, which is inspire. Inspire is weird with me, right, Like yeah, no, Like, no, your story, your story is great, Like I commend you, good job, But to say that it's a reason to be inspired to do better for me is weird. I want to do better for me and my family because I want to do better for me and my family. I don't need somebody else's story to help motivate me in that way.
Like there are things that are cool, and I commend people for getting out of their situations or picking themselves up from some of the worst situations that I could possibly think of, and that some of which I hope I don't ever get into. But for me, it's like, Okay, I don't. I don't need to hear about all the trials and tribulations that someone else went through to pick themselves up to gain stardom or fame the them, or or just success just general success. I so to me,
I you know, take it literally. I take some things literal sometimes right, that's the autism that kicks in. And the inspiration thing is one of those things that I take very literal. It's like I don't Yeah, I don't need you to inspire me. I'm already inspired because I don't want to fail. I don't want to fuck up. I don't I don't want to like I'm not the best at a lot of ship, but I I want to do better because of my family, not because I
want to be like somebody I don't know, just different. Yeah, uh no, uh, nobody has to understand it. I understand it. I get it.
I get it. There's there's also another answer that's short, and it's a I didn't do my homework, but we'll go with that one.
No, no, no, no, no, like this is this is genuinely me, like this is this is me in all honesty, on all arnst.
It makes sense for you, like it makes sense for the type person where I get it. I get it. M okay my turn. Yeah no, Chris wats no, I do have two genuine ones.
And he failed, he failed, gets back.
Well, lucky lucky for me. I got you know what, Jay Simpson, he came in with Hitler, You fucking idiots. First, my first one wany is actually uh Paul the Gelder, So for those people that Shark Week, Paul the Gelder.
Is an Australian. He was an Australian Navy member and in two thousand and nine he was doing a field exercise in the water testing new technology and he got attacked by a bull shark and lost from his right arm from the elbow down and then I believe also
his right leg from the knee down. And uh, you just the story of still surviving not dying from those two things, right that, the simultaneous attack and losing two limbs essentially and then being able to actually come back from that and get back in the water, and not only that, become a conservationist for sharks because they are ruthlessly killed throughout the world all year long by so
many different countries. And the fact that this guy gets in the water with sharks and dives with them, like, it's just such a cool story and he's one of my favorites that I look forward to seeing every single July when Shark We comes out. It's just like to truly draw inspiration to like overcome your fears like, that's the type of person that you can overcome a fear, like you're already afraid enough to get in the ocean.
Ocean's fucking massive and scary as shit, but let alone to get attacked by a shark, lose limbs, and then still want to get in the fucking water later on with sharks again.
I mean that's me.
That's just as wild to me, wild thought process, but a lot.
Of guts, yeah yeah, a lot of fortitude.
Yeah.
So he's He's somebody that I definitely look up to in that in that regard of just it's such an amazing story and like a feel good fight backstory kind of thing.
So Stone back to you. I like that.
I like that.
The other one I have was Mark Calloway. Do you guys know who Mark Callaway is.
That's the guy who invented Callaway Golf.
Yeah. No, he also is known as the undertaker in the American Badass. Yeah, so Mark Callaway. I really loved his story when I listened to it, because you know, this guy really did Like there's been a couple other wrestlers too who like walked on or not walked on, but like went through the like crowds and tribulations of being like like just piss poor and just coming in to start him. But I really like his because, you know,
he he had the chance to like go. He was in basketball for a long time due to his enormous height, and he went over and played in some of the European teams for a while, and he was playing European basketball, and he could have like had a really good career over there, just traveling around, you know, and you know, playing for different teams, you know, and Stan France, you know, Wales, any one of those teams. Like as long as you're like really tall, like you know, you're good to go.
But he was like, no, fuck that, Like I'm gonna go do something else. And he was just piss poor and was like, oh fuck it, you know, like looking up to Hulk Hogan and Macho Man and Rick Flair and Jake Snick Roberts, like he was like, oh, learn to become a wrestler, you know, and just through like grit and tenacity. Like this man was living in his
carve like for a while. I can't remember which promotion he went to, but he went to a promotion for two years straight, sat in their lobby for eight hours a day, just waiting to talk to somebody before finally one of the head honchos like came out and was like, who the fuck is this kid that's been sitting in our lobby this whole time, And so it finally gave him a shot, you know, And that's a that's just
pure grit. Like if you explain that to any of the kids these days being raised, like, they would sit there and be like that's way too long, Like why would somebody want to do that? That's horrible, Go do something else. Well, it was way different back in the eighties. You know, you didn't really have a whole list of stuff you could do unless you had some prerequists to do it. And he had a dream and was like fuck it, like I'm gonna go out, I'm gonna do this.
And he even even went to the lengths of trying to go to this well known amateur who ended up scamming him out of his money, and then he almost like beat the shit out of this dude later on when he found him. But he was just going through great lengths just to chase his dreams. And then sure as shit, he fucking did it. You know, like Rag's riches like really did it for him. He went up to being, you know, the main guy in WBE for thirty years, you know, the main head of the locker room.
Like everybody went to this guy. Even in the famed Wrestler's Court he was the fucking judge. Which if anyone anyone out there shout out to Ryan from Body of FLF, you'll know this. But anybody that knows the wrestling Lauren Thos Wrestler's Court, he was a judge for a long time on that. And Yeah, I just love the Undertaker.
I love Mark. I love listening to his podcast, you know, and just listening to him because he's just kind of like he could be everybody's dad, you know, and he's kind of like the dad everyone kind of like wants, you know, Like he's got a good head on his shoulders. He's very masculine. He's a man's man, but he's not like an asshole about it. Love that dude, really solid dude.
And what's crazy too, is think about because while you were talking, I was just curious as to what wrestlers made back then and when he started in the promotion before he took off and even when he took off, he wasn't making crazy crazy money yet.
No, but at the beginning he was only making twelve hundred a month. Yeah, and he still had to make his way, like like up until I think twenty ten, they paid that. And you know, back in two thousand, the Rocks that he had a one million dollar contract, and so does Steve Austin a few other guys too. But even if you had a one million dollar contract, four hundred grand that's going right to the government. So you left with six, right, which is still a pretty
good amount. But if you're wrestling in your life on the line, you're putting your body life alige. But if you're wrestling, you know, three hundre days out of year, that's three in our hotels you have to pay for. That's three hundred road trips you have to you have to do, right, So all that gas they don't pay for anything, right, All of your your health, your dental, your vision, the mileage, the hotels, it all comes out
of that six hundred thousand. So some of those wrestlers, if they didn't play their money right, they might as well have been getting like, you know, ten thousand dollars a year fifteen thousand dollars a year.
Back then they had to earn it off at endorsements.
Well by the time, by the time that Attitude era rolled around, it was so much because that one of the things I was reading too looking for it was during the Attitude era, a Stone Cold was making sixteen milli a year.
His contract was only for one but with the sponsorships and you got extra money off of other events like WrestleMania, you know, like a King of the Cage and stuff like that, or King of the Ring, like you got extra off of that stuff. But the standard back in those days was like a million of contract was like the highest back in like ninety seven, ninety six, ninety eight, And now it's like some of those fucking wrestlers getting forty to fifty million a year while in their garbage
yea rinash repeat script. But that was also before the public or the company went public. I think the company went public in like two thousand and one, like after it bought Ted Turner and it bought WC. Dow. Yeah, they went public, so everybody's like contracts went to the roof. Before that year, it was a million year, which back then like a million a year, you know, a lot of money. Yeah, wow, Because nowadays it's kind of like, damn, almost doesn't seem like that much these days compared to
how much everything is. Yeah, it's not. But but thirty years ago, it was a lot of money. It was a lot of money.
I mean wrong. If somebody wants to give me a million dollars, I'm still going to take it.
Oh yeah, yeah, I gonna take it. Yeah, of course.
Rhy not.
Well, since Dome doesn't have anything, because he doesn't look up any to anybody, I have my last one and Domo appreciate this one as well. There's few few things in this world that get me to read a book. I am not a book reader at all. One of the people that I do enjoy reading is actually Corey Taylor of Slipknot. His books are fantastic. I've enjoyed those. He's not the guy them, but this person. When I found out he was coming out with a book, I was stoked. I got it the week it came out.
I read it.
And this guy is embodies especially Dome too. Dome and my childhood, like you knew who this guy was. We watched him on TV. Still to this day we say things that he came up with clever off the cuff, going over top ten moments in sports for the day, for the week, and that's Stuart Scott. Stuart Scott is He's one of those guys like he was just he was a dude's dude and you could tell like he he probably wasn't as athletically gifted. Towards towards the end of his life, he did a lot. He actually did
kickboxing and he did training and stuff like that. But he died of cancer at forty nine, and it was like that was one that like stung, like that was one of the first like celebrities to me that actually stung because growing up as a kid and you know, listening to him, him and Scott Van Pelt like all the time on Sports Center, and when he when he got to accept that award at the SP's what is it, the the coach the coach from basketball, Jimmy V and Jimmy V. One of the greatest speeches of all time
right in any awards ceremony, and the Jimmy Vee Award went to Stuart Scott and I think he got it the year before he passed away, and if you're ever like feeling down or whatever, knowing what this guy went through, like just go look up his SP's speech and it'll just like chills, Like just what that guy did on a daily basis to just get by, to try and show up, to put a smile on people's face while he was literally dying.
Yeah, I could. I can concede. I can concede a little bit to that one, because he he he did, he did put himself through a lot for the benefit of other people. He really did live a life of selfless acts for sure, and uh yeah, there there's something to be said about the way he approached all of his hardships. So it definitely can yeah, and can give a little bit to that.
Yeah, I knew you'd like that one because that was when when I when I saw his rundown. That was the first day I wrote down, Sarah, because he's somebody I've always always drawn inspiration from, even before he passed away. But then when that whole story was happening and you were like he still like grinds and shows up to work and like you have no clue something's wrong with this guy?
Like you there there was something that had come out
towards the end that had kind of like slipped. They tried really hard to keep it in, to not let to not let it out that he was sick, and then visibly you could see that physically something was happening correct And then and then so people started poking and prod and saying something, and then it eventually had kind of slipped out, and he had he had kind of made the announcement, and I remember that was such a heartfelt, wrenching moment of like, Okay, this is what's going on,
and he's been dealing with this, and he's been showing up for all of us, Like he wasn't showing up for his paycheck. He had already made a shitload of money. He like his family was set for you know, as long as they were smart with it, they were set for whatever, or set for their lives. But he was doing it because he wanted to do it. He wanted to do it for the people that he felt relied on him, and he loved his job and the passion, yeah,
the passion that he brought. And so you know, yeah, so I still look up to him.
You know, I think everybody could look up to his his pickup lines for sure. Did you know that one of his pickup lines where if you were words on a page, you'd be fine print.
Damn, that's pretty good. Yeah, were we supposed to do some of these?
Go ahead and uh.
Is that what we're doing? Okay, all right, you want one of mine?
Oh wait, I jumped run down and I realized it.
Let's go with it, Let's go with it.
Go ahead, dome, you go ahead? Next?
Are you a golf course? Because I'd love to play around on your body? But five minutes in and get pissed off and I've missed every whole scream I've never doing this again. Accidentally get one in your hole, only to fall in love all over again, then blow all my money. I'm buying new toys for you that don't help me in any way, and constantly say how much I love playing with you, but never actually get to do it, basically leaving me in the most toxic relationship of my life.
That's a good one. I like it. Yeah, Mine's not as as lengthy as that. Hey girl, are you a thtoda? Because I want to mountain?
Do you oo oh like it?
One? Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight nine. The only number I don't see here is yours?
Hey, yeah, are you a light bulb? Because I'd love to turn you on with just two fingers.
Oo Oh, funny thing is I use my tongue to turn on light bulbs? Hey girl, are you a pinky toe? Because I want to bang you on all of my furniture.
Oh do you have Instagram? My parents always told me to follow my dreams.
Hey, I tried to call, but I lost your number? What was it again?
Eight six seven, five three on nine? Do you like sales?
Because clothing is one hundred percent off at my place tonight.
Oh yeah, are you an artist? You're really good at drawing me in.
My God, I lost my phone? Can I use yours to call it real fast? Then proceed to call it? And when it rings in your pocket, just take it out. But enter your information in her phone under something like a good time, smart choice, or the best mistake you'll ever have?
Grower not a shower mm hmm with a small deck you haven't had yet?
Girl, you in the snowstorms because I'm gonna give you a couple of inches tonight.
Now I thought you're gonna say, blow all over your face.
Well, here, I am Where are your other two wishes? Sweetheart?
Like that one? Hey, I know what you can be for Halloween next year? Locked in my basement?
Are you a parking spot because I'm trying to squeeze into you?
Oh nice?
You know angels should be in heaven. How'd you get here? All right?
All right? Hey, look, I have a solid eight and a half inches and trauma that makes me feel like I have something to prove in the bed droom. Can you help me resolve some of my issues? It's alive or whatever.
Measured from my asshole.
Always measure from the bottom's.
List just says failed pickup lines to not say in therapy. Prince Jesus says, don't see these again and again it's underlined. I got two left.
I got two left as well.
Okay, I must be a yoga mat because I'm ready for you to stretch me out.
Wait, still makes it shouldn't shouldn't that be the other way? You look like a yoga mat because I'm ready to stretch you out. Uh?
All we know is someone's getting stressed out. Your name must be Barbie because when I saw you, I pictured our dream house.
Dude, are you running because you took my breath away.
Oh now it's just a breath lizer walking the straight line for me, just trying to start my car. Can you mean are you a speed bump? Because I want to hit you at the right angle? Nice? Nice? What is it like to be the most gorgeous person in this room? It's a lot.
In this room. It doesn't take much. Hey, my name is Josh. You know I can tell you how beautiful you look, but I really don't want to start our relationship off with a lie. It'll work, Yeah, sure, why not, it'll work. I don't if you if you were if you listener listener, Hey, dear listener aka B Word, if you were ever gonna listen to me, that's the one you want to go with. I'm just saying. And then just walk away. Where the fuck did your mic go? There?
You go? My mic is incognito.
You're trying to frame it out to your mic? Could like blend it in with your black your backscreen, your black screen, your backscreen.
Now the pickup line B Word needs to use is does this look like a Zactamy scar room? I really glad to see you.
Hey, listen, if you could, uh just give me a couple of minutes to unravel these folds. You can see my dick. It's gonna work. One of the best pickup lines. No, you know what, our listener doesn't deserve it. Never mind, you.
Want to come back to my house and shit on my chest? Guarantee that works.
Yeah, Hey, I'm great at punch and pussy.
You know who else is a great at punch and pussy? The fucking news two segments later. I made it inaudible. That's all right, I'll bring it in.
Hey, it's better than an edible.
That's questionable. Welcome back to channelty News.
I'm your host. Squirt my bottom joining me later. Maybe Chips eel it quick from the streets and storm a blow in with a weather update. In our first story coming from Cocomo, Mississippi, Myrtle, a beloved family tortoise, went missing for more than three weeks. A series of deadly tornadoes was sweeping through the South when Myrtle was swept away. Although he he was probably shell shocked at this situation, he was reunited a couple after a couple found him
and knew exactly where he belonged. Heartwarming story to start things off, Chip, are you there, Chip, what do you got for us?
Thank you, mister mudbottom. For years upon years I Chip have been reporting to this network to dish out all the details on the shit bags of the week who deserve to be shit on. But today I'm going to give out praise and not shit on somebody. For once, I want to praise the world for being so about watching the demise of people that we actually value it.
For example, continuing to give Kanye West a platform to rant his bipolar craziness makes the world keep on spinning, from his wishes to be King of the Earth on the podcast with Joe Rogan to talking about Who's praise for Hitler on the Newest interview he did while wearing a black KKK outfit. Well. Another example is love on the Spectrum, where we put retarded people on camera and make them say the stupidest shit for our amusement. A message of the world. Keep on with the shittiness of
people rather than praising their good deeds. It keeps my day going. Well back to you squat Yeah that Clayton Bigsby, He's a special one. Uh storm of blowing? What's up with the weather?
Yes, Kirk d them some interesting stories you got there. But you know, and little chip Man, don't. Don't you dare bag on my inspiration that that is their love on the spectrum. My cousin's been on that three times. Okay, you listen here or now, you guys ever know that them flatworms, you know flatworms all right, if it's not your penis? Uh, flatworms, They they fence with their sexual organs. Yeah, that's right, you heard me correct, right before the sexy
time that they have. They get into a little duel with their sexy parts. It's kind of crazy. Huh oh. And did you know that you know the male alligators have permanent erections. Yeah, they just be out there and the swamps just bricked up all day long, you know. And I wonder why they're just always angry, fucking pissed off at the world because they got a hart on banging on bushes and branches and rocks and other fishes. Heads.
Fuck man, I'd be angry too if I was tea bagging carp The fuck getting sucked on by a fucking catfish that much hurt, dude. And well, little gator pole mounting off the stuff is the worst of our problems right now, because fuck man, it's getting hot out there this summer. It's already beginning, and we're in April. It's like a one hundred and fucking sixty four and missus Johnson's fucking trailer down there. You know, it's sweating, and the balls were sweating and shit. To get up off
of couching. It sounded like Velcrow releasing off a fucking tiger. Who all right, well you all guys better to grab your spit fifty put it on for summer so you don't getting them some burns.
Later does a lot to hum hack storm. Uh.
But speaking of swamp gompers, we got in our last story and Alaska woman had her massive mouth measured by a dentist and broke a Guinness World record with her two point nine inch gape. Missus Johnson, for you, uh for chanty news that storm of blowing.
Uh yeah, you've lost my train of thought. Thanks Storm. We'll catch you guys next week. God blessed storm, spiff. It was the last chairs up that I needed to just lose my train of thought. That's so good, my god. All right, well, so what do you got for us? What's the last whole thing we close out oh god, let's go around and do some round robin fuck Mary kill. I'll go first year, M I got? Is this specific towards a host or we both are? Are both other hosts? Answering?
Then answer? Okay, A're we just round robbing it? Okay, they got Sarah Jessica Parker, Courtney Cox, and Sharon Stone. Oh no, one, let's start with you.
Uh fuck Sharon Stone, Mary Courtney Cox, and kill Sarah Jessica Parker.
Okay, are we talking prime? Yeah?
Prime?
Okay, yeah?
Oh shit, Well in that case, yeah, yeah, because the other part of this lesson would not be great if we didn't do prime.
I'm killing I'm killing Yeah, I'm killing Sarah Jessica Parker. I'm marrying Courtney Cox, and I'm fucking Sharon Stone. Okay, okay, I.
Actually would marry Sarah Jessica Parker, I'd kill Courtney Cox, and I'd fox shere in Stone.
M hmm, I don't see anything wrong with that.
Yeah, sure, okay, I'll go next.
Uh, this is a I wrote this one specifically for Stone, but don't can answer as well here. Obviously, this is weed owners, so these people have weed strains that they have made or created labels whatever. So the first one Megan and Rachel Rappino. That's a that's a tandem as a one person. Okay, Bella Thorne and Kristen Bell.
Who I'm gonna kill the two because I don't know who they are. It's probably a last choice. Yeah, And then you see that the two was Kristen Bell and the other one and Bella Thorne. Oh god, mm hmm. You know what, I'm gonna marry Kristen Bell and fuck Belle Thorne. That's probably a good choice, don't.
I'm killing Bella Thorne. I'm fucking the girls, and I'm marrying Christien Bell because Kristen Bell. Yeah, there's no reason to not have her in your life for the rest of your life because she I guarantee, she's a great lay and she's funny as hell, so she's gotta be fun to be around.
Yeah, really good.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna start off slow, Okay, Pete Davidson, Colin Jost, and Andy Samberg.
Mm hmm.
Now you might not know who Colin Jost is, but he is the host two.
Uh.
He's one of the hosts on the news segment of Saturday Night Live. He is the one that is married to Scarlett Johansson.
I'm gonna marry I'm gonna marry Colin. Yeah.
And then it was Pete who was the other one, Andy Samberg.
Hey Samberg, I'm the fuck handy and kill Pete. Okay, that's tough. Let's kill Colin. Uh fuck Andy and Mary Pete?
All right, all right, I would marry Andy, fuck Colin, and kill Pete.
Mm hmm.
If Colin can pulse, if Colin can pull Scarlett Johansson, he can pull me whatever fucking direction he wants.
That's fine.
Listen, bro I said, I'm here to fuck you, but I'm really straight at your wife, yep.
Listen to say gay. But if you want, I mean, like we can high five Ivill Towers whatever whatever it is. You know, I'm just I'm just here for scargo. Is what is.
There?
You go, you become the bridge in the Eiffel Tower. Is the thing's like, oh, you're you're here. You can't leave now?
As she locks the door, that's like I got the get the front. Is this look a ship that would that would suck, That would absolutely suck. That would be a nightmare if scar get it was in the back so you couldn't see her. She just like hold your fucking head with the Thano's glove. She's got like a Thanos glove on. She's like, nah, bitch, you're done.
She's got her little costume makeess fucking strap on, and you're like, how is your night? It's just like fucking euro trip. I don't want to talk about it.
She wheels you out in a wheelchair. You get the shirt.
There, that's good stuff. What you got? Stone? All right? Next one I got? I got. This one's kind of a tough one. I got Kate Upton, Cameron Diaz, and Kate Beckson's becon sale.
I don't care. You can pick for me.
I'm gonna I'll go first. I'm gonna take uh man, I'm gonna kill Kate Upton, prime doesn't matter.
I get it.
I get it killer.
I am going to fuck Cameron Diaz from The Mask mm hmmm. And then I'm gonna marry Kate Beckinsdale as Kate Beckinsdale in Click because she's a perfect housewife and still smoking hot.
Hmm, don't ditto. Yeah insane. Yeah, I it's one of my top five.
So yeah, I'm gonna.
I'm gonna marry her. I'm gonna marry her to take her for the rest of my life.
Yeah, and the other two.
In reality, you're interchangeable. I don't really care.
I hate this lineup because it's so tough, but I think I'm gonna marry Kate Upton. I'm gonna fuck Kate back in sale, and then I'm gonna kill Cameron Diaz.
I could.
I can understand that, honorable.
You can't really go wrong any direction, like as sex says you want to be.
If Cameron Diaz like war deodorant, it might be a different answer.
Stop being picky, don't act like that would matter. Don't don't don't act it wouldn't matter, you know, Dan Will, Dude, I've seen your playlist.
I know it's shocking.
It's shocking, all right.
Uh, I got a I titled this one two thousand Slashers. Oh Jesus, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Sarah, Michelle Geller, and Nev Campbell. Oh, all from that two thousand to two thousand and six range.
I am fucking the ever lover lover. Yeah, Jennifer Love Hewitt, I'm fucking her, okay, and who are the other ones?
Sarah Michelle Geller and Nev Campbell.
I'm gonna kill Nev Campbell and I'll marry No, actually, let me back that up. I'm gonna marry Jennifer love Hewitt. I'm gonna kill Nev Campbell, and I'm gonna fuck uh Sarah Michelle Gees, Sarah Michelle Geller. But she has to be dressed like Daphne.
Okay, yes, yes, I agree. That's I have the same answer.
Yeah, like that, it's gotta be what about you.
I think I am going to do your original one, which is Mary Sarah Michelle Geller and fuck Jennifer love Hewett, but still kill Nev Campbell.
Yeah. So it would hurt me to kill Nev because I know she's a freak. But it was yeah, all right, ready, yeah yeah, Mother Teresa, Jesus and Gandhi.
Well m m, I'll go if you're still thinking, so I am going to I am going to fuck Gandhi because I just feel like he's a squirrely little motherfucker. Okay, I'm gonna marry Mother Teresa, and I'm gonna kill Jesus because he's gonna tell me, like, that's not the biggest I've had through my hole, you know, like he's gonna put your dick through my hole and be like that's not the biggest I've had. Plus when I kill him, he's gonna come back anyway, so I don't have to feel bad about it.
Yeah, stn't.
I'm gonna marry Mother Teresa. I'm gonna kill Jesus and fuck Gandhi. Yeah. Same, Yeah, part of me kind of wanted to marry Gandhi thought about it for a second.
I'm killing Gandhi, peaceful life, fucking two in the dome, killing Gandhi, marrying Jesus, marrying Jesus, and fucking Mother Teresa because Gandhi is kind of a prick. Jesus is gonna give you anything you wanted as a wife or husband, right, so you're set for fucking life with Jesus. And I mean, who hasn't thought about what was under Mother Teresa's fucking dress?
Do?
Come on, come on, two bad domes illiterate because we all we're all saying Jesus, we picked Jesus.
Then what's gonna show up is Heyeseus? Because wrong?
When I was golfing, When I was golfing at the wedding, one of the guys in the party that I was with hit one out of bounds. Did I tell the story? I don't remember it. They hit one of the fucking workers. Yeah, okay, so when so when the guy left, one of the other guys goes, huh, that's the first hole in Juan anyone's ever hit on this course. Yeah, I'm just like Jesus fucking Christ, dude, this is such a.
All right, go you're up last one stone. I got Roseanne, Betty White, and Rosie O'Donnell.
No, I'm killing Rosie easy, killing Rosie, marry and Betty White. It's all there is to it. Roseanne, I'm not saying it. I can't make me say it, but yeah, I couldn't. I couldn't live with the other two for the rest of ave. I. I can't stand Rosie o'donald. I've never liked her.
No, I agree, I ever, she's she's got to be the kill. She's got to be the kill.
And then I'm actually going to marry Roseanne because eventually the sex is going to fade away and then you don't have to bury that anymore.
And I would love to fuck a dead person.
So Betty White, well, she were talking about in her prime.
So that's why she is in her prime now.
That means Bebby White brings a man to put your dick in the dirt, No ship Betty. Betty White in her early ages, dude, if you look at her, she was a fucking smoke show.
Smoke show. She had a few like like pee photos too, like.
They're out there, look them up.
Okay, uh, Stone, what's your what's your last one that you're choosing out of those three?
You know, part of me wants to fuck Rosie O'Donnell. I'm sure just in the middle, but to start yelling like Trump and just see like how long I can come on for it's sober, and then I would I would kill Betty White and Mary Roseanne.
All right, okay, uh my last one, Marvel ladies. And I'm interested to hear who you're gonna who you're gonna gank out of this list? Black widow, Gomorra and mystique.
Mm hmm, well, marrying mistake. Hands down, I'm fucking Gomorrah and then I'm killing black widow.
Dumb, I'm fucking mystique, killing Gomorrah and marrying black widow.
Mm hmm.
I like it.
I like that because I'm a merry black widow as well. And then it's kind of flip a coin on who you're gonna fucking, who you're gonna kill, because the whole reason you're picking to fuck him is one, uh, what mystique is gonna be wild as ship, right, But you want to know, like.
What's the blue pussy look like? What's the green pussy look like? Does it feel different? Does it taste different? You know? Uh?
But um hmmm, I'm gonna take mystique over Gamore. I'll kill Gamore and take mystique. So what's your last one?
Don't Leslie? Nope, April Ludgate or Ron Swanson.
I'm gonna kill Ron Swanson because he's a Democrat, and then I'm going to.
I'm going to you don't want to go for a mustache red? Nah? N you dropped a couple of pegs in my book. No, Yeah, I'm gonna.
I'm gonna kill Ron Swanson and then.
Mary Leslie and fuck April. M I'm gonna fuck Leslie. I'm gonna marry April and kill Ron.
So my initial instinct was to marry Ron, but the more I thought about it, I couldn't kill Leslie because I'm fucking April. There's no choices about it.
Was the April and Leslie was a tough choice for me because it's like April's one that you can marry.
But you really yes, but I can't kill it.
I can't.
I can't kill Leslie. And so I was like, I think I think Ron would understand, and I think that that I'd have to go marry Mary Leslie. Fuck April, kill Ron. But I think Ron would make a really good wife slash husband partner.
I don't know, dude, He's really hard to compromise, you know, like it's either his way or like shit's gonna be not but his.
Way is not bad. And he's gonna build and do whatever you want. He's gonna fix whatever you want. He's okay with being alone, but.
If he's got a problem with what you're doing, you know, it's like, oh man, ma me.
Leslie was the same way.
It's true, Yeah, Leslie, I could not marry.
I just I think Leslie. I think Leslie is just such a giving human being. She's and I think she's fun and corny and like just so nerdy and honest and loyal. I think she I think she's a really good she might be like she might be like the dark horse Mary. Yeah, you know, like well, I mean not the dark horse Mary. For me, I like I would marry her. That's what I said. Yeah, yeah, but I get what you're saying.
All right, cool, all right, I like I like it. Any anybody else want anything to add?
Or we just say say goodbye, goodbye horses tuckyr wieners.
And go yeah turkey winners and go baby, Okay, next week one seventy two tuckyr wieners.
Later, that's out.
Wait was it one seventy one or one today? I said, next week's one seventy two? Ah, gotch got him, got him Turkey wieners. Whoop woop.
So I had a ton of jokes about unemployment, but just none of them would work. So I just figured I'd tell you guys that my grief counselor died, but I don't really care. We pros fucking.
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