Episode 170-A Subway Telemarketer

Welcome to Dad's One Day Clok. Parental discussion is advised mature content beyond this point.

You guys, I don't know why Marvel doesn't use Hulk to advertise everything. He's just a huge banner. Yeah, that wasn't in your Rolodex right.

I believe they go by she Hulk these days.

Oh that was That was twenty twenty four. It is twenty twenty five. We're back to faggots and hulks forgots. Yeah. I thought I saw a kid's video the other day, not video like a movie, and they said, uh, no it was It couldn't have been a kid. I don't remember what it was. But they said hop out of the car for a fag and I was like, wait, what what did you just say? But it was British for smoke form.

It makes sense they still do.

Dom. How's your week? It was good?

It was really good. Week was kind of quiet. It did a few things around the.

House and then I had a wedding to go to in Wickenberg at this cowboy ranch.

Was it inside one of the roundabouts dude range? It was at a dude ranch, the dude ran ranch.

No, Uh, it was at this this place called Los cab Larros or some crap like that, and uh, you know, look it was expensive. Place was nice, but not nice enough, not for what we paid for it. The wedding was gorgeous, The time was fun. I got to watch seven or eight year old kid slap the ever loving shit out of his brother, like I'm talking grown acid, adult slap, like one that left the handprint over.

His face coming down.

Yeah, yeah you can.

You can hear it from across the entire freaking lobby like you heard it before it happened. Absolutely, yeah, you felt the wind, you heard the slap.

The kid's just balling.

He doesn't like, he doesn't know where he's at because he's seeing stars. Kid hits the chessboard, knocks the chessboard off the table because he's pissed off and he just got slapped looking for his wedding. This this was prior to the wedding, but it was at the same facility.

Knocks the chessboard off, the kids slappings like Jack and mate.

Mother dude.

I mean it was just it was as loud as loud could be and the kids, the kids walking around looking for his dad with this big ass handprint on his fucking face, dude.

It was. It was great. It was absolutely phenomenal.

Like one of the fucking it works from us, Lord of the Rings.

It's got a big old war paint on his face from the redness. But yeah, I got to see some some friends that I haven't seen in a very long time.

Which was cool. I actually got drunk, which was unusual for me. Not trashed, but drunk.

You know, I was buzzed from a good portion of the wedding.

What's unusual about that for you? I don't drink.

I do the last I couldn't even tell you the last time I got.

Drunk, drunk like Saturday last night.

Well prior to that, Stay with Stay with No, you definitely don't drink as much as used to because, like like when we recorded before, you to drink like almost every time I record it.

Oh yeah absolutely, that's yeah, that's when life was easier and I can I could do it.

I can't do it now, no, So.

Yeah, it was. It was a good weekend overall.

You know.

I got to go play golf and get yelled at for eight holes straight. That there was a woman's tournament behind us and I needed to speed up and if anybody knows me, that doesn't happen. The second you forced me to move faster for something that I paid for, I'm gonna slow down.

He turns into thing one like, sorry, dude.

I understand that you had you had a frost over delay in the morning. I get that, but that's not my problem, and that is that should also not be my penalty. I paid you one hundred and forty five dollars to play on your course. You're gonna let me play on your course? That fucking is that fucking simple? And your course isn't even that nice. It's it was maybe an eighty dollars course. I I probably would have

Yeah, that's normal time.

Consider considering that multiple people in the group had never played before, right, So yeah, one of the guys that I was with on the back nine.

I mean three perspective, three hours is ten minutes per whole. Yeah, and that's which is like, that's insanely fast. It's cooking, so it's sour. Four hours is solid for that big of a group.

Yeah, and uh, it was a good time golf. I had a few really good shots, a few really terrible shots.

The last hole.

One of the guys on the back nine I was with, we switched up the first nine, we played with different people, and then we did on the back nine just to kind of because the party was big, so that way we kind of got to mix it up and see

The new housing that's there.

And so the running joke for the rest of the day was he had got a hold in huan.

So would instead of saying four, would you yell quatro?

I mean no, because I wanted to see him get it Puadro. So we didn't even know anybody was over there when it happened. He just he hit it off into the field and we didn't even realize anybody was over there, so we didn't say shit.

We just let it happen.

And we get to about I don't know, maybe one hundred yards to the pin, and out comes this guy and he's.

Like, you visit your ball. We were like yeah, he's like, you hit me, and he fucking just throws it in the concords.

It's like, all right, thanks man, appreciate it to you, and he just back off into the bushes. Dude, squatch, Yeah, fucking disappears into the mist one.

Squatch one squatch.

Squatch.

But yeah, that was my weekend. It was good. It's a good time.

Our producer went horseback riding and then she complained about her legs being sore for fucking three days.

But that's any woman who gets on top.

But she only complains for six at night. Yeah, during the day, she seems fine. Her eyes are open. Well was it? What about you guys? You just lay there, will still hurt because they to be open, you know.

No, they don't, they don't six when.

Absolutely do not suff What about eustones.

I didn't really have a whole lot going this week. I went and hung out a bunch of friends yesterday. Today kind of allergies were catching up with me a little bit and and I had to run to Walmart because I like, I forgot. I threw up my netty pot the last time because I'd used it for a while, and I was like, I sh'll probably get a new one, and so this morning I went to grab it and I was like, oh, fuck, as my nose is all

I think you have to steal, you have to steal it, stee over a thousand, Yeah, but you can collective now, Like if you steal today, nothing happens, but they have you on video and they can calculate what you stole. So if you come back to the same store and steal again, then they can continue toally and then once you hit that mark, then they can call the cops.

We know it was you what. I was wearing a red hoodie that day. I'm more to black one today.

A gotcha?

Gotcha sure doesn't like white like it doesn't like get expunged over time doesn't work like you know, cops can't give you a ticket after a certain amount of turns because then you can't you know, prove.

No or some sh there is. I know there's a three strike rule fortalities, but I don't know about mysdemeters. But I'm sure like your fucking rap shoots not gonna look great as it adds to it.

But when I was when I was a teenager, I used to believe that if you cop couldn't give you a speeding ticket after a certain amount of turns because you couldn't prove.

That it was you.

I'm fucking dead serious, dude, I'm dead nuts.

Seriously.

On the silver fucking cars around here, You're the only person that with a little paper over your license places.

Fuck cops. I can see the sun gleaming off of your fucking bald head to the moonroom.

You're the only one driving to fucking Volvo with smoke coming out of the window.

Was dumb ass, and you didn't move. You stayed stationary.

You're the only thing putting a bat signal during the day.

Jesus, I know it was you because the entire time, the license plate was always the same Penny Pictures.

Carling sideburns, a nice license plate.

Like it'd be fun is if you stole enough to get the cops call on you at like a Krispy Kreme or Dunkin Donuts. Do you meagine be a cop getting that call?

Yeah?

Right, Like I gotta go to the donut shop to arrest somebody.

A man, I'll give you what I got, Just let me go.

How come this guy got arrested but none of the goods came in with him.

Sir, I was cleaning out your patrol car and there was a shillow to seamen everywhere. No, it was just like crumbs from.

Oh that's what I was.

That's why I was sweet when I tasted.

Who could you imagine a fuck donut filled with custard from culvers?

See? I think it sucks because we have shitty donuts here in Kingman. Yeah, bashes used to be that's the best donut, but they're not even as good as they used to be, not even close. But all the other places are just either frozen and then they you know, roll them out, Yeah, but or they get shipped in. Yeah, Safeways tastes like bread.

They don't even taste like donuts.

Yeah, that is French roll expired three days ago. What do you do with the phyllis? Cut it into ten, throw some chocolates up on top of it. Yeah, shit, some sprinkles out of your coat?

Are those these East Flakes? Yeah? What about you know?

That was your week? That's pretty good. I also golfed on Saturday. I had a tournament and that that was fun, got a little wind, but who was good? We came in. I said we should probably come in between seven and ten under with the group we were playing with, and we actually came in right it at seven under, and so it was, which is good though. Yeah, that's a legit score.

There's usually a couple of people in those tournaments that don't fucking post legit scores.

Yeah, right, Well, I don't know who the winner was because I ate my lunch and then left, and I think they were sticking around because they had raffle ticket stuff and I didn't do any of that. Yeah, but I knew the table next to us, who's gonna be in contention for the top? They came in at seventeen under. Yeah,

Do turn you on somebody's ass getting laid tonight?

Uh, we don't have brast studs here. Oh yes we do.

I say, I sent you a picture fucking they're in.

That was a real picture.

By the way, when I went to I went to home depot was like a week ago, and in front of me was this guy wearing a shirt that said crazy Fred's Whorehouse truck stop and a whorehouse.

It's a real.

Place, and that is a real place, and this dude's just rocking this shirt out in public.

I was like, good, good man, wait, way to go, get more power to you. And it was an old shirt that was definitely been used. Yeah, you.

Could smell it, sell the destiny and cinnamon.

I saw this news article that I was going to ask you guys about. Don't don't bother. No, no, I'm going to ask about it. So I just saw this title. A Galapagos tortoise at Philadelphia Zoo becomes first time parent at nearly one hundred years old. Nice. Could you imagine it's still dropping a nut at one hundred Yeah, geting somebody pregnant.

What's his name, scarface? Uh fucking godfather pets. You know he's eighty six.

Had a kid.

Yeah, he's right there with him. Goddamn that kid's not going to graduate high school and have a dad.

I think not.

I think that that's the equivalent of us having a kid at like fifty five or sixty five, for like a sea turtle, because turtles live to like one thirty something, one forty something or more. It's actually I don't think it's even known how how long they can truly live. But I think it's estimated around like one thirty one forty, So let's say that's like sixty five for us.

That would suck. I don't think I could do that. I really don't.

Like I can't.

I can't deal with the kids I got. Now, imagine if you have one right now, I couldn't know.

I don't want to, right I don't want to imagine, because it hurts. It hurts to think about, like it makes me want to cry for sure.

I mean, you don't have to worry about it now, so.

I supposedly know it's true.

Well, I mean, I guess you'll have sex to have a kid, so well not just have sex, like you got to have sex with somebody that's you know, able to yeah, reproduce. Can never mind.

Ask ask the forum. We're all here to answer your burning question.

Not asking that one.

No, Nope, no, I had a good Josh moment, and I said it in my head before I said it with my mouth.

So nobody you want to Josh, you can ask us it was that bad. It was that bad. It's fine.

Bring up Christina Richie again.

Oh, come on, I'd still do it. I would. I would have changed my answer on that.

I would have a baby with her at sixty five with Christina's.

Thirty baby Jesus christ A J.

I said, right now, cast, Oh well.

I mean, you know, go back to episode twenty or whatever. Shout out to Casper.

Casper the Friendly Sperm like a fucking, weird, fucking movie.

How many have you watched it as an adult? Oh? Yeah, it's been watch it.

Avery a couple of times. She loved that movie.

I know it was on not it's some either this Halloween or last Halloween somewhere around there. I know it was on, so Ellie could watch it and she wasn't into it really at all.

And it doesn't surprise me.

I'm just like I liked it as a kid, but I don't know, it's one of those kid movies I have zero care to watch as an adult.

I feel like it's a kind of not older kid movie, but like probably like nine tennish, you know, like I definitely when I showed Avery when she was like three four, she had like non interest. Now she does. Like last Halloween, we watched it and she was loving it. But yeah, before that she was and I was like, you know, yeah, it's like ten.

I don't think he would give two fucking ships about that movie.

Yeah, that's true, although also depends on interest.

Yeah, he's just starting playing Assassin's Creed, so that's.

Kind of more yeah style. Right now.

Have you guys ever seen not the Hillary Duff one, but there was like a second one. Fuck it was it was another Casper is like right after Yeah, but when I was a kid, dude, Oh my god. But no, Like, if you ever want to see some of the worst CG I've ever seen in your life, like pure ninety c G I, the second, the second Casper, those are the are like the straight to DVDs, Like yeah, like like Richie rich I remember they came up with like a second and probably a third, like they just hit that wheel.

Can we where like he wished to be poor some ship? Yes, yes, this Halloween.

Can we get absolutely fucking blitzed and put on a movie with with the projector against your your your garage door and just ignore all the fucking kids trick or treating, just live just watch the watching the movie.

Here take they have the fog machine on inside the garage. Sure, yeah, machines smell like we Hey, I'm over here at the garage door. You're talking to the wall.

All the kids and parents come up.

They come up and they're they're as sober as can be, and they fucking turn around and leave the other side.

They're just as high as a fucking guy. We come up with it. It is kind of like the Sticky Bandits thing all over again. We come up with the thing that's like, you pay us candy and we'll let you hit our penty.

Come into our haunted with in quotation marks, are haunted garage.

Scared kids so much like I'll red his eyes are you know what?

Kid, don't worry about it.

You don't even have to walk any further to the front door. Just give me your bag right here, and I'll go ahead and take care of you.

No problem.

It's been twenty minutes. He hasn't cut back with my bag. The kids go open the door and it's just us sitting there, all these wrappers.

Yeah. Kids.

Kids come in weighing like weighing like I don't know, forty pounds.

They leave weighing like eighty.

Gretel, who fuck ribs you have? You've cooked ribs and you're fucking oh man, where my ribs go? Of this candy in my hand?

Parents like Hey, I'll bet you your kid's bag. You can't take a blinker without cock o jesus.

Aren't you the cop down the road? I heard you don't use your blinkers. I can make use one right now.

If you got you a camera, bitch. That's good stuff. Uh. Speaking of of other news, though today more important Dome Ovechkin broke Gretzky's goal record today. Wow, in in this the same amount of games that it took Wayne to get his mark. It took the exact same amount of games for Ovi to beat Gretzki. That's pretty impressive.

Yeah, how many goals?

Is it eight hundred and ninety five in one season? Or is that like career career?

Career?

But Ovechkin is thirty nine years old.

He's gonna throw his.

Leg this year, and they expected him to miss two to three months. He was out for five weeks and he was back in scored the first game he was back. That was Stone's watch. That was my machine. There don't if you're wondering.

If domes over like, am I tripping Graham stocking to this?

But yeah, he uh, he came back from the broken leg. He also scored. He holds the record now also for most forty goal seasons in a career, which is impressive. Yeah, yeah, which is impressive. Forty or more goals in fourteen or fifteen years out of his twenty that's wild. And the only the only years he got short were Lockhowt years, which is not he dealt.

He dealt with multiple issues where they had shortened seasons by a decent amount, you know. And so for him to have this record in this fashion, it speaks volumes, man, it really does. And I have to give Gretzky a lot of credit because he you know, he was humble about it. He said, good on him, good job, proud of him. Now let's see if he gets my assist goal, my assist record. That'll never happen, he he goes.

Because Gretzky. While Gretzky cared about.

The overall like the total goals scored he did, that's not the one that he.

Was most proud of. The real assist.

The assists is what Gretzky is the most proud of in his career, and that's been documented wide.

Well, because that's an assist is a true team player, correct, You're helping somebody else score. Correct. So the fact that he held both scoring title and assist title. Yeah, like total because you get a point for an assist, right like here he goes stoned. This is this is what's crazy. Gretzky number one for points in a career or assist, sorry, assists, He's got nineteen hundred and sixty three assists. Go ahead and take a stab at who number two or not?

That's wild.

It'll never get touched.

And it's crazy because I keep seeing people online, these little keyboard warriors are like, oh, well, Gretzky did it in a time was so much easier to score goals and get goals.

I agree with that. I agree with that.

I actually it's bullshit. I think it's even because you have an upgrade in equipment. You have listen, you have Yes, you have an upgrade in equipment. I get that you have an upgrade. You have an upgrade in talent, and you have an upgrade in the way people train, right, But that goes across the fucking board like it it's not hot.

My only argument, I don't take anything away from Gretzky and his record, like it's it stood the test, you know, thirty one years for that, and his assist record, I don't think. I think the only person that has a legitimate shot to hit the assist would be Connor McDavid if he plays until he's like forty or forty one. But yeah, I think he's got a healthy law career, That's what I'm saying, right, so he's the only one

They are now.

True, and I do concede that, but I don't think it's so wide of a margin between one era and another to really say.

That, No, Gretzky was a generational talent.

Exactly, he was to take anything away, and that's what that's what these people are doing online. That's what these young individuals who never got to watch Gretzky live are saying. They're saying that Gretzky just he was a product of the era. He was a product of the era. No, he wasn't, absolutely not.

He was way ahead of his time.

If you put if you put Gretzky in his prime in today, in today's actual game, it'd be.

The same result. I agree.

I think it would be the exact same result. I don't think it would change. I think I think the the numbers would be the same. I think the style would be the same. He would end up having everything he already had. I don't think it would be anymore or any less. That's just because that's who he was.

I think that's fair. I mean, the same argument is against people with Ovechkin is like, well, he just he shoots in the later part of his career, he shoots from like one area. You know it's coming, but you can't stop it. Then stop it exactly, you know, you know it's coming, yeah, and you still can't stop it.

There's a clip from that game where he tied the record where he was going, he was going to shoot, saw that he lost his opportunity and ended up just circling back around the net to try and get a different position.

It's not like OVI is stupid. He doesn't. He's not just like, oh I go through here, I shoot. Oh I go through here, I shoot. That's not what he does. He played, He does play the game. Yes, he has a favorite spot.

Everybody does get fucked like everybody feels comfortable with what they feel comfortable with that you do it in the bedroom, loser, not you, but the people listening, the two people listening.

How dare you assume I get something? The two people.

I was really talking to B Word and I was the way he jerks off, it's all he's really talking about.

Well, I mean, B Word is getting hit on everybody's mom. So he's got a lot of shit to jerk off to. God damn weird getting him seventy f you're gonna have to use goods, use.

Extremely used good pussy lips looked like a fucking boxer's mouth sticking its head out the window. I love that gift, dude, I absolutely love that gift. Uh, that's good stuff, all right. I have something for us to do. I think we've done this once on this podcast, and I just thought it was fun. Uh. So I came up with a couple of different things here and we're gonna do. Uh whose dad is in anyway? Mm hmmm, mm hmm what

Those aren't bees, honey an Yeah, that's.

Mis o.

Listen, I haven't got I haven't gotten anything above an A minus in.

My entire life.

So oh no, we're talking.

We're not talking about grades on my bed.

Oh it's good stuff, all right. So first round that I want to do with you guys. I'm gonna have you guys go.

Uh.

Part of this will involve me, but some of it involves just the two of you, right, So this this first thing, we're gonna do a little improv for what you guys are gonna say here, and things that you can say about dinner but you cannot say to your spouse. Things you can say about dinner about dinner, but you can't say to your spouse. Dude, the ship's dry as fuck.

You burned it again, but I'm still gonna eat it.

So like, do you want me to eat with you or eat with your sister? What are we doing here?

I really don't mind the hair that's in this, dude.

Your sister asked if I wanted seconds? Like, who the hell made it past their first plate?

Jesus, is your mom coming? Or what?

Oh?

That's good stuff all right? Next one, things that you can say about sports and say in bed go jets. Looks like another night of masturbation for Dome.

Oh Jesus, a little to the left is all he needs to sink it, m all.

He needs one more black eye on the field and they'll win. This is an offensive liners is casting couch? What's going on?

He got so close to finding it before the buzzer went off. That's a good one.

That's a good one. That's a good one. I'll give that one to you, all right. Last one of this category things you can say about your car, but not your girlfriend.

She's got a fat ass.

Time to trade her in. Hey, can we get new airbags in this thing? Hey, honeyed up for your tires. A little fat.

Engine goes just nice and it's all looped up.

How many Mexicans can we fit in this?

At least one?

I don't know about you, guys, but I think I might have misfired on that one.

Part a little too early. Okay, that's good stuff, all right. So next this is going to be the play it out version of the dads whose dad is? Anyway? So Stone, you in this scenario, you guys are going to do a little togetherness here. Stone you're going to be an interviewer, and Dome you were going to be the interviewee for the job. The position is for a telemarketer, but the interviewee thinks that it's just for a sandwich shop. I'll leave it to you Stone, take it away.

Well, hello there, mister Dome, Thank you so much for coming in and applying toys position. What are your relevant qualifications to the position?

Uh, I'm really good at like customer service.

And I worked I worked at a subway for four years.

Uh, I was.

I was a shift manager. I was really good putting.

I was quick at putting together sandwiches and and and handling the lines and stuff. And you know, I remember all I remember all the deals and combos.

Still, that is fantastic. All right, sounds like you got a lot of get up and go with you? All right? So, like, how often do you do you talk on the phone?

I mean every time someone calls?

Yeah, all right, how how many times you get in calls?

I don't I don't know, man, I don't really have a whole lot of friends. What does it have to do?

I don't know. I don't have a lot of friends either. Hold on, can can I? Can I? When I go to lunch? Can I eat whatever I want?

Like?

Is it all just good.

For me to do? You just make myself a sandwich and then.

Yeah, you can so choose to bring whatever lunch you want into the lunch room. That's why we have the lunch room in the fridge there. You can even store your sandwich in there while you're calling people on the phone, all right, And not to cut the cheese or anything. I like these little jokes and these interviews that breaks.

We have to have cheese.

We never used to have to cut the cheese. It always used to come pre sliced.

It's a metaphor. It's a metaphor in our world.

I don't know that's right.

So like, how soon? How soon can you start? Do you need anything for the job?

Well?

I mean my uniform? Ah?

Well, you know what, luckily all of your parts are uniform. However, you don't have to wear one because we work from home.

How do you make a sandwich it home?

Let me tell you you were the best footy pajamas there ever could be worn? Is right there? It's the best, the best. Yes, door dash is available. That's the greatest thing about this job is you can call people. You can call door dash. They can come to your door while you're calling people. It's wonderful, it's fantastic. Look, how are you with your oral skills?

My oral skills?

I look, man, I'm not doing that. I don't need this job that bad. I look, I just want to make sandwiches.

I figured your oral skills and also your comprehension skills working with subs all day would be actually pretty good to ask about the old skills.

Dude. I've never really been that great at math. I'm not the comprehension thing. What I stopped at geometry?

Dude, You've got to have some great oral skills to handle those six inches and twelve inches? Am I right?

That's an HR approved joke. By the way, it's okay, it's HR proof we're good. You can ask Tom Tom on the way out. He's the one who drives the beamer, although don't count his golf drive. It sucks.

So you are you asking me to get under your desk?

You don't even need a desk. We provide one for you. It's wonderful, baby, it is great. I think you would be the best fit for this hire, to be honest with you, Jerome Dome, that's right, Dome, I almost forgot you in there for a second. My bad. All right, So when can you start? Do you h Do you need to go ahead and pick up anything? Do you have internet?

You know?

And all that?

Sure?

Cool? All right?

That's all we need for this job really is just the internet. You just got to be able to look up stuff, you know and get the formulas and recipes you know, as they say in the chef world of Subway. You know, yeah, so.

Do I get it? Can I have? Can I just have some cookies?

I mean we have plenty of cookies. You know, all the vendor sites ask you about the cookies if you accept them or reject them, and you know, we go ahead. We have a firewall that blocks that ship out of there. Pretty good, it's it's pretty decent, I gotta say. But you can have all the cookies you want in your own kitchen. It's the best. You can cook whatever in there too. Your headset is portable and wireless. Have you ever had a wireless headset before?

You have ovens at the store? Like, yeah, usually the cookies before I come into work.

Man, Do I get paid for that? As at overtime?

I mean, you know, boss makes a dollar, I make a die. And that's why I insert here in company time. You know what I'm saying. You know, as long as your metrics are good, nobody has to see what you do. Baby, it's so good.

If you wink at me like that one more time.

You're gonna accept the job, well, then I will wink at you. Ah waking, All right, that's good. That's great.

I love it.

Uh all right.

You know it's funny because I used to have a ball, not a boss, but he was a superior for another company that we worked with that we worked adjacent, and so I kind of respected him like a ball, and he used to tell me all the time. He's like, hey, listen, every three months, you need to update your resume and apply for jobs. Apply for like ten or fifteen jobs. It doesn't matter what the job is Walmart, McDonald's, it

I think I might go back and do that just for shits and giggles.

Is just like this next month or so, apply for a fuck ton of jobs just to get interviews. Yeah, just to get interviews and just go funnail.

But you don't accept any position.

Yeah, yeah, just go fuck around like some of them. Just absolutely like trash them. Just go in completely obliterated and be like all right.

He gets an interview with Jimmy John's, He's like, first question, do I have to wear a hairnet? Or am I exempt?

Yeah?

Second question, is it kosher?

Do you allow inner inner company relations? If I come on a sandwich.

Because that girl looks like Christina Ricci from swedeny Allo and I'm hard as a fucking rock.

Spend sixteen years since I had sex in one of your freezers.

I'm due, Okay. Next scenario, Dome you are the coach and Stone you are the player. Is a basketball game, ten seconds left, game on the line. Stone is your MVP, and you took a time out because he all of a sudden forgot how to play basketball, and you need to coach him through this. Ten seconds left, ten seconds in the game, down by ill one one, he if he scores you down by one, put it that way. Take that ten seconds left, down by one. Stone is the MVP, but you forgot how to play basketball. You're

All right, Stone, listen, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna inbound the ball. Where are you at real quick, I'm right in front of you, yeah, Stone, right in front of you.

Look down. You gotta put you bring it down.

Oh right, listen, I thought you were like a coke cup or something. I understand, I understand, it's listening. It's hot in here, it's sweaty.

We get it.

Listen, Hey, you played, You've played forty five hard minutes. There, young man, let's get on. Hey, back down.

Here, go to forty five minutes to save my life.

Down here.

My girlfriend says, I'm averaging three and a half.

Yeah, your girlfriend's also averaging three and a half guys on the football team.

But we're not talking about that right now, are we. All right?

We were in therapy about that.

We're focused right here.

Hey, we shouldn't bring that up because it's my trigger, my trigger. You shouldn't listen, coach. If this for us, you're gonna see my third quarter.

It's starting to hit right now. I don't know where I am, to be honest.

With you, Okay, stoned, listen, do you want to get benched for the rest of your life?

Huh?

I could bench. I'm in the gym in a while.

Though, No, you clearly have not.

That's why we're in this position right now, Okay, because you haven't been in the gym.

Missionary, coach, I go to b yu.

Listen, hey, listen, we're not soaking, all right, We're not doing any of the soaking ship, none of the jumping. All right, I'm not gonna help you with that again. All right, to listen. What we're gonna do. So we're gonna bound the ball to you. We're gonna run a screen. Yes, I could come back to if you hit, I'll give you a Listen.

You gotta focus. Rein it in, but rein it in. Listen.

Do you think I could have a fucking ten.

Six cheerleaders looking at you on the sidelines, But you can have them all if all you gotta do is just make one shot?

Listen, coach, why aren't there another nine?

We got sixteen?

We're not talking about ovens and nine's. We're not going into Germany today, but listen, that class is next week. You'll worry about it then today right now, you gotta be here German. Yeah, yeah, I'll give you my broad words if you fucking.

Make this shot, all right, it depends.

We're done. Sit down, Jordan, let's go miss the shot. He's missing. He's missing were.

Somehow, somehow he hit the nun in third row and completely missed the backboard which was behind him.

That's a terrible one for me, because listen, I'm not afraid I'm not afraid to sit down a fucking eight year old kid in pee wee football just to win a game.

Like, listen to you, a little bitch, you mean crying all game? All right? First, we're done. We're here to win or we here trophies.

I'm here to teach winners. All right, we don't get participation trophies.

Sit down.

Mm hmm okay, real winners.

Last one of this scenario is it's a speed date and you two you ended up at the same table, and I need you guys to think of a strange character or personality you want to play and play as that character during the next We'll call it two minutes, and I'll set a timer, and you guys have to speed date with each other.

You guys, ready, yeah, who I'm me to be the guy or the girl.

You guys can be whatever you want to be.

You be the guy, all right?

Perfect? All right? Uh, and you guys sit down and here's your drinks. Go. Why hello there, Chad girl.

This is Chadelia April to zero, firmly known as Chad April to zero. But you know it's twenty twenty five and I can be whoever I want bruh, chih did.

You say Chad Dahlia? Oh my, what an amazing name. And your eyes are.

Mysterious super red right like a totally like hit a fucking dabber in the parking lot on the way here, like it was pretty cool, you know? No, No, I don't so like do you ever dab like?

Mister?

Yeah?

Oh?

I love them. When I smell in the middle of my arm pits, it's fantastic. Can I smell yours?

No, bro, the only like pits I got for you, or like the avocado pits from my guacamoalia made. I'm like lunchtime. But like, have you ever been to like you? I'm sure I can on command if I went to like a certain convention. I don't know.

Okay, what is a convention?

I've never That sounds unconventional.

Wow, that's like really deep.

Hey girl, I got a question. You got a four to one k uh?

It depends on how much is in my bank account. But once it hits for when I can be like, okay, sir, is that that's perfect?

Yeah?

What kind of couch you got?

Girl?

What kind of count you got?

Girl? Is it long?

Because you know I'm six foot tall, so when I stretch out on that couch, I want to make sure.

Don't hang over the edge. Excuse me, Uh, it's time to switch guys. Sorry gals, Is that a fucking chick?

What?

I don't barge your fuck? Uh? That voice scares the ship out of me.

I can feel that voice on the back of my neck.

Biscuit. You see that bar soap over there.

Boy, it almost sounds like Freddy Krueger, like an octave lower, like a black Freddy Krueger.

Yeah, I'm coming to.

Now, that's what it sounds like.

Ready, okay, all right, I want to get through these last couple here that these are because I think these will be funny here. So this is I titled this one motor boats, so this is sound effects.

God, and I was hoping I get to motor boat him.

I know, well, it's just a title of thing. So the first stoned.

Real quick, Speaking of motor boats, do you remember when you were a kid, you thought that motor boat and was like the best thing in the fucking world, and like that's what you wanted to do. You ever think that, like that's that's exactly what you wanted to do to a woman?

Was just motor boat out of.

Her titties like middle school. Yeah, when you're like looking at porn and you're like, dude, fucking ultimate. Right there, man, we go get some more fucking mountain dune watch that ship.

I know I have zero desire to do that. I want to do so many different things. Motor boat is not it? Am I wrong?

Do you? Well? Can we can we sidebar that?

All right?

What's one thing you really want to do?

Yeah?

Yeah, you you clearly said there's a lot of things I really want to do, So like, what's one? Not number one?

Just one? We all need to know, man, what you doing?

Listen.

We can get into that at a different podcast. That's not why I opened up this conversation was not to talk about something.

All right, all right, well whatever, Okay, we'll get back to the business at hand. All right, So Stone, you're driving to your local sandwich shop. You're going to give play by play your drive and Dome you were his geo metro that's on its last leg and makes a lot of noise during driving.

Alright, alright, girl, I know we've been through a lot together, but goddamn we're fucking starving. We can go ahead we can make it to our destination and we can make it on back.

Is that right? Girl?

Part for me?

Goddamn girl, it brings back memories.

Let me go ahead and start you up real quick, met like starting up like a bog.

I can't even with that. We rot to the next one.

So.

Tage his car.

The fuck is supposed so like.

The body Carlo and it's saying hits from the bung.

Oh god, it was the yam on. Let's go chose the ball, shut the ball.

Oh god, all right, I'm just righting the high for this.

Okay, next one, Dome, you were laying in bed winding down, trying to watch your favorite TV show. You can give us a play by play of you trying to watch your show and go to sleep. Stoned you are? You are Dome's mattress who's seen a lot better daily springs. Whatever? You're ready? Okay? Oh god damn? All right? Every ready? Yeah, alright, click Netflix. Let's do what are we gonna do?

Netflix?

No, You're I'm gonna go Disney Plus. Yeah, let's go Disney plus. Uh Lizzy maguay mm hmmm.

That might keep me up a little bit.

Uh oh.

Adam's family Adam's family. Fucking fucking back out, fucking log in. It's stupid fucking ship.

Oh my god, what the password again, Jesus fucking Christ, hold on a second word with my phone?

You know what? Fuck it sang?

Your fucking bed is dying.

Booms just gets off.

Click.

I swear to God if you don't play some mattress someone bit. All right, Oh my god, this is good stuff. I think we got time for one more. So do we want to do one more? One more topic? Oh boy, just one more thing?

O god?

Yeah, alright, So Dome and I are in a bar and Dome it's it's obviously noisy, but Dome, you are gonna try and convince me why the Jets are the best team to ever be in the NFL. And Stone you are the jukebox that can't quite get its volume control.

Yeah, look at it.

All right, let's go. Hey, there's a shot at tequila. Take this. Cool.

Never gonna give you up. They're never gonna let you shout down.

Here's another shot at tequila. Take this. Good bye? Uh we were talking about the Jets. Yeah no, here's another shot in Hey, here's a shot of quila. Take this. Here's another shot at tequila. Take this? How many?

God?

He takes about thirteen after we cut to about thirteen. Hey, dude, did you know that the Jets are gonna win the Super Bowl?

Get this wet ass pussy.

No, seriously, the Jets are gonna win the Super Bowl this year. There's no way the Jets another here's another shot, say taking another shot at tequila.

We're gonna keep going. Mark Sanchez is the greatest quarterback it's ever graced this fucking earth.

That is the only fucking way I would ever get anyone to believe that the Jets are anything but trash.

That's fair.

That's a fair point, ladies and gentlemen. We're expancing issues with her jukebox. I do apologize. I swear this is not how I vision running my Applebee's, but I will make sure things are better. Drinks are half off for the next half hour.

Apple apple Bee's coming in with a fucking stripper microphone.

Fucking Alvin and the Chipmunks back there, Jesus.

Welcome back to the stage. Destiny.

Oh shit, not again, it ain't mine, Destiny, Get the fuck out of here.

I was just gonna hit the button. Then I forgot how to turn it off.

Yeah, your laugh was pretty great.

Yeah, it sounded like fucking ezma. Jesus, that was good, Abysma, because she sounds like she has asthma when she laughs.

No, she like she looks like lady in her life, looks exactly how you think she would look after like just watching the movie and listening to her and like seeing her cartoon image. Have you guys ever seen her in the booth doing it for the movie back in the day. She looks exactly how you think she would from her character, Like, it's pretty close.

And do you think I think she would look.

Well, it might be different. You know, you might think she's like an Amazonian, you know where she's like death by snooze nap.

I thought it was a guy too.

Wow, I knew it was nice.

No, I don't think that it's because of asthma.

Okay, okay, last last question I have for you, Fuck Mary, kill real fast. You have Isma. You have a fucking octopus lady from Ursula, Ursula and a boiler and canto.

I'm killing Ala, I'm killing I'm killing Isma, I'm fucking Ursula, and I'm marrying a boiler. Okay, because a boiler. Boiler is gonna take care of you. She's gonna take care of you, dude, like like none of the other two. She's gonna treat you like a fucking king Yeah, I'm pounding the ever loving ship out of octopus pussy all on all eight hundred of them suctions, dude, getting.

Literally teeth like that. That like horrible movie back in the day, she's teeth, legit.

Oh what about you, Stone can't do I.

Would one hundred percent Mary Abuela. I think I just got a fuck isma and then just kill Ursula.

Yeah, would you get crabs Fromla.

I think you might get a lot, to be honest, from fucking nasty ship.

That's kind of rude, man. There's no proof that she was a nasty horror. She didn't even have kids, did she.

She had vibrators.

It smells like the ocean. It's a no.

Well, she lives in the ocean.

Of course she's gonna smell like the ocean.

She lives in the ocean.

It applies too.

Yeah, but what if you're underwater you can't smell.

Yeah, she would turn you into a fish, and that would be a bad thing.

Yeah, it'd be horror.

Swim my fish ass up into that fish assus kind of fish.

He gets turned would you be?

He gets turned into like a fucking.

One of those retarded ones with the eyes in different fucking directions.

He turns into a sea horse.

Oh my god? Why am I like so gay? Did you know the men seahorses have the baby sea horses aren't gay? Domes like, Oh my god, I made myself gay. Fuck But you're like, dude, you're one to his new group. Lady, I'm gonna tell you.

I got nothing left for that, all right?

I think Sandy sand dollars bro Oh, I mean.

Who lives in upside down pineapple under the sea?

All right, here you go, fuck Mary, kill SpongeBob, squid Word and Patrick.

Oh uh, I'm gonna marry Squidward. I'm gonna kill SpongeBob. I'm gonna fuck the starfish.

I like that. I'm to switch around Starfish and squid Word though their roles. Yeah, but I'm definitely killing SpongeBob because you can't live with that, and you can't fuck it because then it's just going to continue to talk to you and bother you. So you just got to kill it.

I would marry Patrick because Patrick would be more fun.

Yeah, but squid words more representation of real married life.

Yeah, yeah, true, right, yeah, you're not wrong.

Oh that was the other thing. Our producer caught the boquet. Oh sweet, when he when's the not? When's the big day? It's not happening. Let's go. Let's go to Vegas. Make it happen.

No shotgun wedding. Baby can do it in the drive through.

Who's holding the shotgun? Anybody? Oh? No, should make it happen. Let's go ring shopping. No, come on, let's do it. No we get say we're going ring shopping and we're really going golfing.

Okay, I'll do that.

Okay, I will do that. You guys went to look for rings. Just happens to be the amount of time you guys get done golfing. Yeah, it's busy.

Jared was slammed that day. Every kiss begins with k.

Okay, okay, how long is this lying? You know what I'm saying?

Prenup? All right? Well whatever does on dake website of one seven zero catch next week?

Peace out later? Oh hey, guys, oh what this.

Priest asked the convicted murder in the electric chair do you have any last requests yes, replies to murderer Can you please hold my hand?

Wow?

Shocking yees