Torrey Smith

let's do that. What up, Jay, Good morning, good Afternoon's up? Brother? What's up? Brother? How are you doing? Man? I'm feeling good. Over the weekend. I took my daughter out. We just we just um, you know, running arians going to the gross store, this, that, and I had to stop and get gas. And so she loved going into the gas station. And we go in and she's like, I want to grab some snaps, particular gas stations, because I wanted to

make sure. I didn't want you to take my niece to just like any old one that like it might be a chester at the that's that it looks like he's trying to snatch kids. No, no, no, no, have you been to some chesters? No, no chesters around. You've been in some of those gas stations here in North Carolina. When I first got here, you got, you got corner stories.

You got look they call him Humpings down And well I first got here, I thought it was super weird going to a gas station and the cashier was smoking a cigarette. Oh yeah, you still haven't been to like deep deep South. Thought like you, you you'd be surprised some of the stuff that no smoking. By the listen you you gotta think, man, some people are still decades behind here in North Carolina. So some people ain't got

some of the memos. Hold on, hold on, what does decades behind have anything to do with nine nineteen eighty seventeen seventy gasolene is still flammable? What what does that? What does the year have to do with I'm just telling you. So you're telling me some people operate a little bit different. I'm telling you anyway. So anyway, we um your puff of that cigarette too, mother, that'd be your lap puff. Way. Um. So we run in the q tea and she's like, she want to grab some snacks,

so she gets some pringles, get some air heads. We get back into the car, and so she she's never had prinkles before, and so yeah, so get out. So I'm sitting there and I'm thinking, I'm like, no, I'm that's that's that's your conna. That's that's ending our friendship. And you are your kids, don't She just I mean, you got like a funyan's face. So I expect that I would kick you in your chin right now. Anyway, back back to the back to the story. So I'm sitting in the car. We get back in the car

and she's eating the snacks. It took me back, man, and we we've talked about like where you grow up, where I've grown up, and so for me, one of the things we always should do, whether I'm walking to the barbershop, whether I'm walking to my grandmother's house, anything

like that. I used to love stopping at the store and I get and I got a couple of dollars, or whether I'm going to the barbershop and you know, my mom gives me I needed two dollars and ten cents because the excuse me a dollar ten cents because the solda was sixty cents, and then the snack was fifty cents, so they always get you can just have one you can just have one dollar to get your snacks. You look like you look like you got tell me if this snack is I got my go to So

I'm a load. I think I think your snack was you probably got a solda and a big thick pickle. No, no, absolutely, that's your So that's that's what it was on your mind. So I can see you gotta you gotta stack, you gotta you gotta pickle mine, any any anything. So No, my go to snack was Tom's Hot Fries, Tom's Tom's Hot Fries, Tom's Hot Fries. And and I had a blue and white blue and white. That was my go to go to barbershop snack. While snack cuts my hair,

gives you a fade. He's smoking a black and male while he cuts you a little bit of black and mouth ash my father on your fade. But it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. You still got a fresh cut. But that was my go to snack. So it took me back because it made me think, you know what, like my daughter is enjoying going to the store just getting a snack. And it takes me back. What was yours? What was your going to? Well, first of all, we had a candy lady. Yeah, in the candy lady neighborhood.

We went to Mr. Yeah, we had a candy lady. So you go to the house. For some of our listeners, we might even we might need to explain what's the candy. So the candy lady is this, So you go to there's a house, um residential residential house. She doesn't have a license. Get over. That's that's why we call it a candy because she ain't supposed to be selling the hustle. Hustle hustle, all right, So that's went back home they um,

they don't. They have them skulls and Sam's. But they called the bulk places before costcon Sam, we're really really up there. It was called smart and Final. So you get smart and Final back home, and you can get the the sour patch kids, right. The eminem said, the big old variety pack fifty in there and they sell you fors money and you're going there with change, right.

The only kind of places you can kind of hand, the only places on the growing up in the hood that accepted change was a candy lady, Um, you can't. You know, you couldn't give everybody change. Everybody didn't accept change. So um, so you had that so we would have basically we're going there and do all that stuff and um, so you buy so my go to like my go to snack as a kid, um was always like a fruit punch, a free punch drink. It didn't matter be

high school. I didn't really like Hawaiian punch I was scoring. My mom used to buy it and I hated it. So I just don't like Hawaiian pumps. Like. So as we continue to do the podcast, you'll know there's I've been wounded by my folks in some areas. So there's two things that would really run me hot Um that I personally have a problem with us because every Saturday, that's the official cleaning music. I hate shot come on and that it means whatever I had playing, I was

doing Saturday all morning pines. Oh. One time all was passed out because she's sprayed pneumonia. Pneumonia you don't get pneumonia, right, So she didn't tell me, so SHO was on. So I'm like, all right, I'm gonna jump in the shower, take me a long shower, so I can kind of miss something to clean it. My mama Florence had all she had folk miss flow all right, man, she she sprayed uh no, right, she sprayed that in there. And so we had to shower that like on the track, right,

you had to step over in the tub. Right that po folks right there, you got you got, you got, you got the inside shower curtain in the outside. No, not the screen. He's just talking about the glass one. It wasn't glass, it was perplexiglass, right, And it had a little it was something like that. It had a little mess so you can't see when you knewe. Right. And it had the handle that you put your towel on, right, and you better use that towel more than wants. Right.

And so so I opened up. I turned on the shower and opened it up. I don't know how I didn't smell the first time, but I turned on the shower real quick. Man. I put my nose. I don't know why I with my nose first. That chemical came out. Damn passed out, was probably burned off. No, I sniffed, and I said, whoa, And somehow my mom wonder woman, right, single black woman raising two kids on twelve tho dollars a year. She caught me bro I hit it and almost passed out. Do you think my mom gently woke

me up? Why they told you play attention? I didn't know. It wasn't like uh Ammonia signed on their so house. I was supposed to know. And then I had to clean up, so I had to clean up dirty booty and all while. So that's got your sad on Siday. So what was the other I don't know, I forgot, but hey, anyway, that's but that's the whole point, man. But that's the whole point. Like it really going to the corner store, you're going to get snacks. It brings

up all that going to the corner store too. You got the corner store, like you said, you got the candy lady, and probably in the same proximity you got the liquor house. So you you got, you got the whole gambit. At least where I'm from, you got the whole thing right there. So yeah, you can, you can, you can you can get exposed if so be it. I mean, I remember one of my boys went to the UH convenience store to the the corner store. Um and came back. Brother had no shoes on. Man, they took

his shoes. They took his shoes. Dog ruthless and one of my other boys got robbed. I don't know what I'm thinking about this, but he got robbed. And who robbed in with a gun. He said, let me see your limp. He was like the limp the inside of your pocket pocket. He got robbed too. So hey, j

who's our guest for today? Coming up on the Cut to A podcast, We've got Tori Smith, two times Super Bowl champion, eight year NFL veteran with the Ravens, forty Niners, Eagles, Panthers, and he's the founder of the Tory Smith Family Fund with his wife Chanelle. Tory Smith on the Cut to It podcast. Right now, you're about to get ice up. It's our version of ice breakers, and so we have a series of questions. They may or may not have follow up. It just depends on how we feel and

how you answer and how you answered. Absolutely, first job you had as a teenager besides cutting grass and little eye jabs, My first real job was at Walmart. Walmart, you look like a greader. See Actually you're comparing me to the aunties checking receipts and everything that is crazy. I was actually at the cash register, man, and being in high school and having a lot of family in

the area. Let me tell you, working in the cash register wasn't a fun experience because everyone wants to come to your line and they want to talk to you about everything. But I appreciate what all the world. I got all my stuff for college. All her favorite color favorite color is blue? Why blue? A lot of water? I just made that up, But I've always enjoyed blue. But my favorite color combination is red and black. He went straight, I see what you did. Favorite movie of

all times? My favorite movie of all time is Forrest Gump. He literally was a part of so many historical moments, and he was like it was just naive, like he didn't know anything that's going on around him, but he was accomplishing amazing things. And it's pretty cool to when you were young. Did you think that was really? I know I did. I thought Forest was real for a

little bit. I for sure. I had to google some things when I got had to make sure this base Alabama right, you know, taking into the house and running out of the stadium like it's crazy. Stop, I'm moving on. Okay. One, if you can have one superpower, what would it be. Put me on the spot with this one. Um, I hate traffic, so I'd like to say I'd like to be able to fly. Okay, all right, so that's my selfish. If you had to say that about you, I would

say the ability to heal others. Okay, okay, all right. The last one you're heading You're heading to a deserted island. What do you pack? I can bring my cell phone and I need you know, I'm fishing pole, you know, go ahead and handing my business out there, and really the cell phone just to communicate with people. Um. If I can't bring my family, you know, I'm sure as long as I can communicate see him on FaceTime. We need a break from time to time. Um well yeah,

just all I need to survive. I'm outdoors and I love being outside. I love being in space. And I'm also a social introvert. I love to be around people, but I also appreciate times when I could just be by myself. And the way you be on social media, you do not seem like an introvert. Brother, I'm telling you, man, I had this social clock, Like when I'm around people and it's just like, man, this is enough. I'm out here and then drink right around and to be able

to go. And I don't drink. I don't smoke, So certain environments for me are just when there's cigar smoke everywhere and people are just drunk and can't handle their liquor. I'm just ready to leave. Where where did you grow up and where are you from? Just like give us the rundown of James Toys. He pulled out the government name. Man. He put the government name out there, man. I grew up in a small town in Virginia, a small town

called Colonial Beach, Virginia is known for two things. The first President of the United States from the area, George Washington, and also the General of the South Robberty Lead. Look at that, there isn't really too much going on where I'm from, his country, small town. All my families from there, and I was raised by my mother from the oldest of seven. I was raised on mother and my grandmother, and you know, we kind of we went through a

lot going up. You know, my mother had me when she was sixteen years old, so we really grew up together, a lot of mistakes she made. You know, I was right there along with her for the ride. She She's had times, you know, where she was incarcerated, she was in a very abusive marriage at one point, and you know, I was right along with her on that journey. So all of the things that we went through really made me who I am. Um. I had to mature and grow up a lot earlier than a lot of my peers.

And because of that, you know, I was able to handle and and everything that came my way. You know, I tell people all the time, I knew everything there was about being a parent besides actually working. And you know, I know there were some tough moments and things that you know, most kids really shouldn't go through our experience, but for me now being an adult, if it shut made me who I am. Your mom got incarcerated where you were when you were young? You know how young

were you when she was incarcerating? Yeah, my mom was. She was and out of jail um a lot because of the relationship that she was in. They would fight all the time, and fight all the time. You know, she used to fight when she was younger, you know, in her childhood wasn't the best either, so it really it was just kind of generational curses in my family that I you know, my whole goal was to learn from my personal experience, and she tried to break them

as an adult. And I remember when I was in probably second grader, so it's probably the last time she was in car shot. I take that back. It was in third grade and she shot her ex husband. She shot him. She said she was aiming for his body and she hit him in the knee. So good things she can't shoot because you know, she probably wouldn't be out here right now, but she had had enough and that was probably one of the longest things she had And you know, it wasn't over a year, but she

spent some months behind bars, for sure. But I just remember being there and visiting her one time, and to be honest, that was probably one of the last times I had actually been in a prison to visit a family member. There, I take that, but there was maybe

two other times. But I never liked it that that was the last time I saw my mother behind bars, But that wasn't the last time that she was actually behind bars, and I just couldn't put it in my mind to to see her in that condition, you know, to see her behind bars, because I know she's a flawed woman, just like I'm a flawed man. But that's

my mom. I know, I know her heart, and so it was tough for me to see that, which is probably sounds crazy for me saying that, because we we've been to prisons together, Um, you know, visiting people, and I can do that all day, but to me, it's tough, you know, looking at my own family member, you know, in that situation, and it's something that I told her that I wouldn't do and I haven't to this day.

Maybe I'll get over it a little bit, but to me, that's honestly a little bit of trauma there that I've I've tried to stay away from. But you know, it's like I said, it wasn't the last time that it happened, but it was the last time for a long time before she had another incident. You're saying that you're still traumatized. What what are so many things that you're dealing with, you know obviously as a man, a father, a husband, you know, and then ultimately a son that you're still

trying to get through. Yeah, that's probably one of the biggest things for me as an adult. You know, you're you don't realize things when when it happens to you, right, And as men, especially Black men, you're kind of taught to just suck it up, holding in, stay to yourself and keep going. You know, I found myself as a young and you know, being angry um about certain things,

and I didn't really know how to communicate it. And so I understand when I see a kid now out that's lashing out, and I'm like, man, like, I see that because I've been in your shoes, um as an adult looking at my kids. Now, you know whether it's abused, whether it's the way I communicate with my wife. These are all things that I had to learn, Like, you don't know that you have issues until you're around somebody

that lets you know that you're wrong. Yeah, well you didn't have a playbook, right, And and experiencing that kind of trauma, it's it's it's definitely big. And I think for all three of us. I know, you know, Smithy has his own background, My mom has been through and a survival of domestic violence as well, and so it is a lot. And while I didn't witness my mom.

You see the reverberations and how you just deal with her, and so just sharing that, you know, how you deal with your mom and and and the and the trauma that you've dealt with it. That's man, it's it's it's tough because we all are you know, we all are taught just kind of deal with it, go on. We we we process it and we move on. But we really don't process you do it. We don't at all.

And that's the toughest process it. Bro I just thinking about it, going back into some of the stuff that I witnessed as as a as a youngster, watching my mom deal with some of the stuff that she's she dealt with with her her husband when he was when he was alive when I was younger. I can I can literally go back and close my eyes and see those times that like midnight, one am, when the when my mom's you know, now he's passed away, husband, you should just be raider and talk down to her, and

she was. I remember specifically one time she was. He was standing over her, calling her all these calling names, and she was crouched down and just fearing for her life. And we were living on Cambridge Avenue, the Duplex, and I just remember that even at forty one right now, I can remember that. You remember the smell, I can't. I can remember the pain color, I remember the I

remember the like crazy, the what do they? I don't even now that I'm I guess now that I'm I'm an adult and got a little change in my pocket, like they don't even we call them armed wars, but they were like TV stands, And I remember the TV stand like I can visualize everything, and so hearing what you said, I can't imagine. I don't know. I guess for me, is there some shows that I watched today that I have to turn off because it triggers something in me, that stirs something up in me that's just

like overwhelmed me. So I'm I can't imagine. Do you go through that now, toy? Do you? Did? You know? If you watch and obviously how violent shows are you when you see someone, especially a woman that is maybe pulling the trigger of a of a significant other, do you go back in time a little bit? Do you have that trauma or you just kind of like, oh,

it's just a TV show. No, it's for sure brings you back to that moment, you know, just listening to y'all, Like, you know, there's a thousand in cents that I can think of, Well, I remember the smell of the car, you know what I mean. It's just like you remember every single thing. And that to me isn't something that I realized, Like it's stuck with me. Not because it was a great memory, but it was a traumatic experience.

And so when you're watching TV and you see a story comes up, or you're looking at a kid that's curled up that feels like they're powerless, you know, like you remember what it was like to be in that situation. You know, when you're watching a man and his tone dealing with the woman, you realize, dang, like that's an issue, you know. And and even in myself, like I try to make sure that even when I'm talking to my wife that I'm not letting my tone get to a place.

I will never physically put my hand my hands on my wife, but I know that the way my tone could be could be just as dangerous as putting my hands on my wife. And so that's that's important for me to know. But I come from a family where communication between my mother and my grandmother was hot stop. You know, my mother in the way we communicate that time she talked to us because of her own pain

was hot style. And so you have to learn like if that's all you know, you think that's just how people communicate, right, And it's introduced me to the fact that I know, like, yeah, I'm about to talk to me like that just thing, okay, all right? Like and so there's things that I seriously like my wife, Like people talk about being woke now about social issues, Like my wife made me woke and aware of my own issues that I haven't dealt with or that I needed

to deal with. How are you dealing with those right now? And I've had to talk to counselors in the past. I've had to talk to my peers. I've had to talk to Steve Smith. I've had to talk to an Kwanbo. Then you know, I've had to talk to some of my receiver coaches, Jim Hustler, Bobby Ingraham, you know, like there are some some great men um that I've I've had the Adam Henry, you know, he's down there in Dallas right now to receive goes for the Cowboys, Like these are men that I was able to talk to

about real issues. But guess what, they all had experiences too, which is something that to me, and being in an environment where, like I said, as young black men, and even mental health in the black community in general, it's like a stigma, like it's negative to go get help. Yep. The reality of it is like, no one if you continue to hold all this stuff in, like you're never gonna be able to heal and move on. Why do you think it's it's such a big stigma. And obviously

in the black community. And the reason I say the black community is because you're listening to Tory Smith and cut to it, and this is an audio podcast and we're black. So that's why we're saying black men. Because I don't know what it's like to not be a black man. But I also don't act like I know what it's like two be a non black man. And so there is especially right now in this climate that there is a little bit of times people are like, well, why does it all you have to be black, you know,

or why does it have to be race? You know? Sometimes racists just used as a you know, as a measuring stick, or also just to to paint a picture of what people experience like, I mean, you know, I hate to say this way, but a short guy has no idea what it's like to deal with being a seven foot tall guy trying to get into a small car. Like there are thing that you have to deal with

that other people don't have to deal with. So that's why I say, as a black man or black men, why is mental health such a stigma in the community, where when you really think about it, when you just strip away all of everything, Bro, you gotta imagine, Tory, you what you've dealt with as a young man, watching your mother shoot her husband, me watching my mom get beat by her husband, Gerard watching his mom get beat

by her husband. And to say that this doesn't have an impact on you, you don't see the world a little bit. We apprehension, man, you gotta be blank and kid me. It's what we have experienced as young men. There are some people are walking in that are walking around having never experienced that will never experience it. And thankfully my kids will never experience having to watch me put my hands on my wife. The only thing I put my hands on is a gentle hand on my wife.

But you know what I'm saying. But it's just it's it's experiences, man, And I think what all of us are saying is that we're just so often taught as black men and maybe as men in general, but our experiences are as black men, we're taught suck it up, don't say nothing, don't tell the family secrets. We're gonna talk about uncle uncle Earl down the street and what he's done. Right, Like we just we we always and to elaborate on it. We just always keep it within.

We keep all our family business within the family. That's just it seems you don't hear your dirty laundry. It's about to me, and I think that's trauming itself. One thing that in the black community that we've struggled with, specifically along the lines of mental health, is that it's like, all right, everyone around you is dealing with it, right, and that's that's why generalizing it. But what people are saying is that, okay, uncle uncle Earl was dealing with it.

You know, you you can talk to your peers there some people are dealing with the exact same things. But it's like you want to protect the people in your home.

Still in spite of their flaws, you know, and we are consistently told and taught as men's tough and like it's about being masculine and strong, like you're weak if you have to reach out and you can't control what your thoughts are in your mind, you know, and in other communities, you know, it's important to speak of like I know people who are you know, some of my wife friends from high school who were dealing with issues with sports, dealing with losing and it was okay for

them and their parents were willing to have them reach out to a counselor or to a therapist. In the black community, Oh you're talking to the crazy folks. You're gonna you gotta go to the crazy house. You know. You kind of get judged for wanting to reach out to get help. So that's why it's important for men like us to speak out about it, because people are dealing with issues. A lot of the issues we see now,

whether it's crime really specifically talking about crime. When you see it, you know, I see the kid who witnessed abuse, who had no guidance, who couldn't trust people like I couldn't trust people because that the people who are responsible for providing for you, are putting you in environments that you know, as a child you shouldn't even be in. Like you're gonna have some trust issues. You know, you

may follow the wrong crowd because of that. And that's not to make excuse for everyone's issues, but I understand and so to me, like, that's a big thing that we had to continue to talk about because again, we all have these problems. And I would have never known Steve had these problems if I didn't talk to Steve about it, right, I didn't. I wouldn't know g had it.

We didn't talk about it. So it's important for us to continue that conversation man to be better and to break that because we have our issues dealing with your trauma and negative experiences. You can't do it alone. We need to pause, take a moment, refresh yourself. I love cut to It, and I love it even more when you download us and subscribe, and you can follow us on social media too, Smithie, where where at that's at? Cut to It on Instagram? What about Twitter? At cut

to It? Facebook? Cut to It featuring Steve Smith singr? What about online? And you can follow us at cut to It Podcast dot com where you can buy merch and you can subscribe to us wherever you listen to podcasts. I got all my answers questions. Uh yeah, I got all my questions answered. That's what I'm here for. A brother cut to a podcast dot com. How did you handle carrying all this to the University of Maryland at

some point? You know, I don't know if there was something that I wouldn't say there was honestly a moment or anything just clicked. But that was just my life, right, like I I was, no matter what was going on around us. My mother said, I need to have good grades, right regardless of our situation. We could be moving, you know, basically out of our car. You know, I moved before I was sixteen. We moved over twenty times, and you go, and no matter what happened, I was supposed to have

great grades. Stay right there though you moved twenty times because of what? Why did you move twenty times? Because when somebody hears when you moved twenty times, they just go, Man, that's a lot. But your mom had you and you were six when she was sixteen. You are one of seven, okay, sixteen years old, having a child that is a fiscal responsibility. That's tough. And it doesn't seem like you're a military by It ain't like she was getting relocated because of

her She was a CEO of a company. She was a child having a child, right. I mean when you think about you know, for my mother, one, let's get her to she's in her twenties, right, she's living, she's working. My mother always worked. That's one thing. She's a grinder. What happened what I'm telling you about, Like my mother was a grinder. That's where I got my work ethic from my mother and my grandmother because they did whatever, like being young and moving. You know, there are different asws.

So for example, right, I told you she met disabusive, disabusive ex husband of her and I remember the first time we had to leave my town to Colonia Beach was because we got evicted. We got evictive because this guy punch the guy that was coming to fix something in the house in the mouth. And then the lady, the maintenance lady, the lady who's managing the property, excuse me, not the maining the manager of the property. They went

over there to talk to her. He'd beat her up, and the other, so the apartments that I grew up and my mom is technically barred off the property right now because of him. And you talk about a traumatic experience. When my grandmother lived down the street, and you know, obviously I wanted to go live with her, you know, with my brothers, and in the meantime to my mom could find a place. And I remember watching them take all of our stuff out and put it on the corner.

You know, we didn't have a storage unit, right, We didn't have money for that. We didn't have a trucks to go and pick it up and maybe put in somebody. I'm watching people go out there and take our stuff, and I'm like guarding it like a little chihuahua, like trying to protect you know that their grandma owner. Right. Like I'm walking around and I'm like, no, put it back. That's my brothers, you know, that's my toy that I'm

trying to protect it. And I remember my grandma just grabbing me coming out there and get me and saying it's okay, baby, just come on, we'll get it back. And like that moment to me hurt. Man, he still hurts even talking about it now. I know it sounds little like man, but like man like that that hurt, you know, just watching all of that just go out the window, and not even because of her mistakes, just because of the man that was able to influence it

and understanding that too. Um wh I'm talking about the man that was able to influencer learning from him. It wasn't just about the abuse aspect or the power that men have, but watching him there let me know the power that we have, um to influence a woman who wants to be led, a woman who's willing to trust you and love you and give you their all, like we have the power to influence them, and we and

to who much is getting? Much is required? And too often, you know, we neglect our responsibility and take advantage of well for selfish reasons. And I was able to learn that from him, you know, because I I used to you know, I would have some hard feelings towards my mom, like, you know, like how could you be this stupid? Like I know, I know this is wrong, and I'm a kid. So if I know this wrong, this is wrong, why can't you just leave? You know? Why are we in

this situation? Why do you keep getting why you keep fighting him. You're going to jail because of him. If I'm able to recognize this as a kid, that y'all are the problem relationship wise, why can't you? And then I got older and I realized, Okay, you know, I was in College Park or just getting ready to leave

College Park. She had multiple kids and had him to influence her, and the perspective matter, you know, And even though I do, I feel like, you know, it's it's tough too, or it shouldn't be that hard to recognize that. I recognized that when you have issues yourself and you don't know what real love is like, that's an issue as well. And that's something that I struggle with as an adult. It's crazy what you're saying, because I can

go back and remember my mom married her husband. His name was Sylvester, and I remember when she married him, she had a little small ceremony after several times of him just dog just just dog cussing her. And I remember the day she married him. I was in a little ceremony. I went to the bathroom, I looked in the mirror, and I remember that was the day that I lost my mom. And I have not connected with my mom in a way that a child supposed to

connect with his mom till his day. And it's something that's so bad that in my second year in the league, my second year in the league bro off season, my mom calls me crying. She called me crying and said she was like, I gotta tell you something. I'm like, what's up? What she was like, Sylvester died. I didn't

care that Sylvestor was dead. I was trying to figure out, why are you calling me after this man abandoned you beat you down, and then you called me as an adult talking about a man who pretty much emotionally destroyed our family. M hm, And you calling me crying that he died and he didn't die like they were together. He died because he got a robbery charge and died in jail of a heart of time. And she's calling me crying and was upset that I didn't receive the

information with with empathy. I had no empathy, and and talking about empathy and kind of going is like why one of the reasons I don't trust people is I struggled with trust at such a young age in my household, from the from the people that are so that that give you life. That's supposed to be the most trustworthy people that you can be is Mom and pop. H Even til this day, it is one of the reason why a stranger comes up to me, it's like, Hey,

what's going on? Right? I don't I have no I'm so guarded and so little Steve on, little Smitty that I'm like now, I'm good, Like I don't want to. I really don't want to interact with strangers because I don't know what that person is gonna do to me. I don't know how that person will impact me long term or short term. So I'm better off just keep myself at a distance. Like I could talk to people all the time, I'll walk away and go. I will never talk to that person ever again, just because I'm

so closed in and I'm so wounded. Right and many months and years and as to three hundred dollars accession with a counselor that I believe now it was all worth it. I think I got more out of the other session that they did, because if I didn't address those things, just like tour, I think personally, I would be in jail or dead right now, just because of the wounds that I experienced and how much anger and

loneliness that I had. I think it also just goes to show, like the tentacles that all this stuff has, it's deeply rooted, and it's and it's in you and you know, as a forty one year old man, as as you know men in their thirties, you know, Tori and I, it's the tentacles are deep, and then we can get into a whole different conversation and we'll have to transition. But it also shows how systemic some of

this stuff is. Right, And my question to you to kind of lead back, is, you know, Tori, I know you. You ended up going to the University of Maryland, but you're you're a criminal justice major. M hmm. Do you think any of your childhood and coming up influenced you're choosing that as a major and then transitioning during your playing career and now post your career, why you do so much criminal justice? Social justice work had everything to

do with it. You know, I recognize earlier on that we had issues, systemic issues within our criminal justice system. You know, I'm watching people that I know and love, I'm going to jail for using drugs or even selling drugs. But I know, people that don't look like them in terms of skin color that get fines or shorter sentences. And to me, like hearing that early on, that man he was doing the same thing my cousin was doing. Like,

how is how did that happen? Right? Like? And so you start to learn things, and you know, you see the way, um again, people are charged, and there was a major discrepancy that I was able to see with my own two eyes. And beyond that, when it came to policing in general, um, which is still a part of the criminal justice system in my eyes, because you know that's amazing branch. The police are the enforcers, right, Um. I was able to witness police brutality at an early age.

You know, I was able to see that some officers Please note that I said some, Yes, I agree with you, some off them. How all officers abuse power. And you know, I've seen people get beat I've seen people. You know, he's like the same way you pick the bully picks on uh, the kid in class, I've seen police officers pick on civilians. And to me, there's always a big difference. Right if the civilian uh fights back at the bully, then there's an issue, um for them that could literally

lead to death. I've only seen abuse, but it could lead to death if you make the wrong move. So um, and not to mention the jail time that you're gonna get thrown at you. But I recognized that at an early age and also in my mom's situation, which we didn't touch on but I'm sure you probably will. When I was in college, Um, my mother was arrested for the first time and over ten twelve years probably, and she was actually arrested for fighting my sister in law

and my mother was attacked first. I don't know everyone says this, but you know, my sister in law will even say that's the truth. Uh, you don't. My mother first and expected to turn the other cheek. I know that's what we're supposed to do biblically, but Mona came doing that right. It's just the truth. And you know she my assistant law m. P Her put her hands on my mother, and my mother passed my nephew who

she was holding at the time. Passed my nephew off and she ended up with the malicious wounding charge from fighting her and apparently a tooth was loose and some other things. So I'm in college part so she gave her I don't mean to make light of it, but let's be honest. She gave her all she wanted, gave her everything that she wanted, and it was it was.

It wasn't a good situation afterwards, legally because it happened in the same county that my mother had experienced the majority of her charges, who had the same d A that had been there for thirty years, so he knew her since she was a teenager. So so she got arrested jail. You are what in college? I am finishing up my restret sophomore year that spring, so I'll never

forget this. We were at in Annapolis, Maryland, and they have an award where they bring together Navy in Maryland and they honored the m v P. S Well, I was the m VP of Maryland that year, and my mother was coming up for the banquet and she wasn't there on time, and I'm like all I kept calling him, like man, what do you ask? She didn't answer, and so they end up popping up late. Um when I saw her, she came up with my grandmother, but she had her hand wrapped and I was confused, um, but

clearly she had an altercation. She was like, I'll talk to you about it afterwards. Well, afterwards, she gets a phone call that you have a warn out for your arrest. You need to turn yourself in, and she was like, well, what am I being charged for it? You know, like she hit me first, which we know legally, you know, there's a difference between self defense and putting the palls on somebody. In the words of Steve Smith, you know like that there's legally, you know, you can run into

some issues even if someone hit you first. She ended up turning herself in. This is in February. Hold on those one of the things you skipped over because I know you well enough. When she comes up late and she has her hand wrapped, what's going through your mind? Bro? Real talk like be honest. I didn't, man, I didn't know if she had an accident. I didn't know what because her tone, you know, there were so many like think of like banquets style. You have a banquet, there's

a couple hundred people around, and so you couldn't. You couldn't. You couldn't like the diction, but I knew something. I knew something was up. This is the thing. She didn't have a single scratch on her So, like, you know, I'm right, you know, I like, I really I was really confused, like that she cut her hand or what. But then when you see her answer that phone call, and you know she told her she had to turn herself in, you know, that's a different kind of conversation.

I'm still thinking even then, Okay, well she had to turn herself and she'll get her out. They'll have her then court and they'll talk it out or whatever, and they'll drop the charge right at the end of the day. It was a family issue. Well, February of two thousand and ten turned into my mom not being released until almost July or August of that same year. My mother couldn't afford a great lawyer. Um, she didn't have a

bail that we could afford. This is a woman that was in jail, that hadn't been in trouble for ten twelve years, who had her rights restored. Who we went from struggling her working two jobs and that's barely being above the poverty line, to all of a sudden she gets her rights restored. She educated herself throughout the entire process and she was making six figures. She gets into this incident and then she loses it all again. She's

back at the bottom, and I was hopeless. There wasn't a single thing that I could do to help the situation. I'm in college, I can't really leave early. I don't have a job. I'm not having money. My brothers and sisters at home with her then um fiance, well husband now, but her partner back then. And what am I gonna do? You know, all this time, all these years, you know, I was there. I was in the house so I could help manage my brothers and sister. And in this situation,

I felt powerless. Like I remember going to coach Regan's office and talking to him about it at Maryland. He was the head coach and I wasn't tears. Man, I just like, man, I just nothing I can do, you know, Like how am I gonna make sure that the bills don't get cut off? Like my mom had bought a house, like she was a homeowner now, Like you don't know how much things shane over that ten years and she's

a homeowner. She's paying her mortgage on time. And now I'm trying to figure out how can I work during springball to try to make money. How can I get a job to try to make money to make sure that the bills are on and you can't and you can't really work because you're under scholarship. You received a scholarship to your student athlete. That's a whole system. So you're a student athlete, your mom is in your mom

is going to jail, or she's currently in jail. You have six other brothers and sisters that are dependent now on you. You over here still trying to get your nail's number right, You're trying to solidify your place in the world at the University of Maryland. H you're juggling. Now.

You go from a student athlete kid to now of a sudden, responsible adult, a responsible adult with limited resources, Like there is no there is no money that you can get from your coaches legally, right, Like that didn't happen for me, um And I was able to find an internship that I was able to make some money from. And you know, we just focused on the bills, you know,

like you talked about larning financial literacy. Well, when you know, Okay, we're lucky that she has a house that she bought or we will be getting victory at the end of the month. It would be moved twenty two or one, right, And I knew then. And also I had a friend who was who was in the process of going through the drafting, Bruce Campbell. What you guys know Big Bruce. Yeah, Big Bruce actually loaned me some money. Man um, he loaned me some money. And that was the he's the

best man. That's one of my best friends in the world. And along with that and working, I was able to make sure that the bills are paid and she didn't get evicted or they didn't get evicted because she didn't get out to July. And guess what, when she gets out in July, she has to start all over. She's a felon. So that was that that six figure job, everything's gone back to the bottom. So it's like the

situation that she was in never even happened. And part of the reason why I left Maryland was because of that situation. And I talked about it a little bit, but everyone doesn't really know. I'll probably just go ahead and tell you right now. You know, we went on that whole year and I was going to start my red shirt junior year football wise, and I remember getting on the phone when she got out in like July

or August. I'm not sure of the month, but I just remember coach Freedon gave me permission to leave practice, so I'm pretty sure it may have been August to go get it um from jail. And so I remember getting a phone call with her from the bill collectors and they were gonna foreclose at home, and I was like, listen, and if y'all can wait until New Year's I'm going to have the money. I had no clue if I

was going to be able to leave early. You know, I knew I was, you know, one of the higher rated guys, but I could have went out there and sucked anything that could have got hurt anything. But I was just able to hold them off until New Year. So my whole motivation that season, I had two classes during the fall because I front loaded everything, and I graduated. I graduated that December. But also I played very well,

and so I went to college. My number one goal was to graduate, and now I had the opportunity to go and try to provide and really save my family situation. And I ended up having that money on New year's and my family. You know, I had a place to stay, got a place, got a place to stay now forever. Yeah, been blessed man, Sure thankful. There are so many young Tory Smith's, Gerard little John, Steve Smith Seniors or Steve Smith Jrs. Right that are really trying to say, Nobody

gets me, Nobody really understands what I'm experiencing. I'm just a kid. I'm just somebody bitching and complaining. Nobody really understands or you give light to what these young men and women. There are women w n b A, lawyers, doctors, women who are going through the same struggle, whose parents had them or mom had them at a young age that feel hopeless. What do you tell that person that's

listening right now, how they not give up? How do they not fall into the and in the mental drowning of looking at this, it really feels like nability to to reality. It's tough, you know, That's the first thing I tell But it was tough. Um, it's not going

to be easy. But I'll just let people know that whatever you're experiencing or going through, when whether it's right now or a child in my shoes or even adult that's still doing those issues, like, if you can control what you can control, you can make it out of your situation. You know, My entire hustle and grind and motivation wasn't about the situation now was in the past. It was like, man, how do I make sure that when I'm older and not control what I'm doing, that

my life isn't like this? How do I make sure that the life for my future kids isn't going to be like this? And it wasn't. It's not all financial, you know. I like to tell people that it's not all financial, even though my definition of success it's stability. M knowing where you're going to live, knowing that you're gonna have the opportunity, knowing that who you're going home to, your wife, your kids, Like, that's success to me. The janitor at my high school was a very successful man.

He had all of that, you know, like the President Obama is a very successful man. He has all of that. It's not a money thing, you know, when and I think oftentimes with tie money to success. Money for sure can help to facilitate to get to that, to reach that level, but it's not the end of all, be all you mean I told you I moved to when it Sometimes being stable is a big deal. It's a

big accomplishment. And that's something that regardless of what you're experiencing now or what your experience in the past, you can control not putting your hands on your partner or not being abused. You know, that's something that you can remove yourself in that situation, even though it's not the easiest thing to do. You can remove yourself from that situation.

You know. You can't try to work to provide, even though it's hard, and there are certain levels of certain jobs, and you may have to take a step back to go forward, but it's something that you are capable of on um and simply just communicating and treat treating people with respect. It's something that we're all capable of doing. So to me, I realized early on that my attitude I could control it, regardless of what was going on

around me. I could control it, and I can't continue to project my feelings on other people, like and that's a really a humbling thing when you're like, man, like, what about what I think? You know? Like no one feels no one feels me right, Like no one understands me. You know like you sound like you sound like a conversation we used to have when I first got to

the Ravens. Yeah, you know, a matter of fact, let's let's dig into that little bit, because I mean where you are the first person, that first teammate, the first teammate that we've had on cut to it, So you gotta give us. Let's let's let's cut to and here's the thing. So Steve tried to like prepopulate a story that we can get into. Yes, sir, I'm a communications made a little bit. But so yeah, he tried to pre he tried to preload some stories. I don't want those.

I don't want those. Give give us some really good stories between you be covered one side of the bread, butter, how much? How much time do I have? Go ahead and all the time in the world, go ahead? My favorite Steve st well, I'm not gonna say my favorite, y'all, I have a whole don't don't let me Steve, Steve, we can cut to it another episode. But Steve, I feel like I'm a clettly pretty balanced guy emotionally. You know, I had my Steve um He's upset one day and

I'm trying. I know you've never seen Steve be upset, but he was upset one day and I was like, Steve, man, it's all right, man, just you know, just just relax. And the way he looked at me, I can y'all can probably feel the has looked through the micro He looked at me like he was ready to kill me. He's like, you butt both hast of the bride, don't tell Like, bro, I'm on your side. Don't tell half of the story though, dogs. So here's here's here's what

happened on two sides talking about why tell. Okay, So we were we were in O t a s. First of all, I came to the Ravens. They gave me a sign of bonus. They opened up the meeting and the offense. Cortin at at the time, who I respect, does not mention the thirteen year vet that they just picked up. He only mentions Tory, Jacobe all these other dudes. So you just spent the off off, all right. And so I'm like, come on, see this is see this

is new to me. So he was like, yeah, you know, there's a lot of guys out here you can learn from Tory Smith, Jacobe I'm the oldest dude in the room, in the wire saving room. Okay, cool, all right, that's how it's gonna be. So now I'm running, I'm running. Is this not accurate? I'm running with the forces you want to know, because that's who they put me with. I'm I'm playing for the offense. I didn't know the offense. Did you know the offense? Story? Yes, okay, you thunder,

That's why he said you can learn from it. We already knew the offense. So I didn't know the offense, right, You see how I just flip that I didn't know the offense. But I'm I'm running with dudes that they're not even throwing the ball when I'm in they handed it off And I'm like, now, so now we're at the second level of disrespect. Yeah, so now I'm running

with dudes that won't even be a training camp. I'm like, I can't display how good I am if I'm not even able to get the opportunity to show that this thirty three, thirty four year old guy can still play. And so I'm standing in the back of the line earning my voice. But I'm like, to this day, I had no care in the world. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I was piste off Smitty and so Joe Flacco, the quarterback who can throw the ball ninety yards seventy yards off his back foot

like it's nothing. But he's in there. And one of my one of our boys from Maryland, Gerrard Shepherd Shell. So were in two minutes and I'm not getting no passes. So I'm running with the ones because toy got a day off or whatever the case may be. I yes, he was on the field. Yeah I'm I'm I'm lying, but he so. But this did happen. I'm wide open. He throws the ball to sheep, not eight now, not one time, but multiple times. And now I am furious by the way. Call all the passes all not one pass,

the two passes, not three. Every look, every look did not go. I didn't get one look. I didn't get I didn't get a lick at the cone. I didn't get that. I didn't get nothing. And so they already can tell by my walk you're boiling right now. Boy, if we talk about Maryland blue Crab, I'm the water instant hot. And so I go over there and and Tori being the way Tori is. Toris like, no, you know he want to pat me on the bat, Nah,

big bro, you good, he'd be a peacemaker. I want no part of that peacemaker, right, Like like like Tories Mama Monica, I'm trying to put them palls on somebody. And so I'm like, so, I think this is a story goes like this. I said, I said, Bobby ingram my wife, receiver coach, and so I said shop was McDonald's. And I said, I'm Rufe's, Chris, and you do not take your family or take your girl out on the date to Makedonald's. You take her aware, Bruce Chris that I'm

not gonna see. That was the funniest line I've ever heard from anyone, because he's standing in a normal tone. Now, imagine someone being piste off yelling you don't go to McDonald's. When you got Rufe, Chris, I was dying laughing. But I mean that was Steven. He was mad with me. But we walked in and we hugged it out. Good. I think it's about that time. Just take a little breather. Good God, let's getting down to dood Hey, Gerard, why

didn't you get that T shirt? Oh yes, I got it from cut to a podcast dot com where we have exclusive merchandise. Shout out to our guys at seven or four shot. But yeah, you can go on, buy you a T shirt, subscribe to us wherever you listen to podcasts. Tory was that dude a teammate of mind that when I really look at it, when we talked about going down that dark alley. I remember there was a play that one of the dbs hit Tory late and it was a run play, and I remember looking

at him in a huddle. I'm like, bro, you good. He like, man, he got me pretty good. And I looked at him and I said, I got him. And the next play, I didn't care what the play was us want to clean his I went and cleaned this clock. Yeah I knew, I know you like And it was like that was how I looked at my teammates, where we we like brothers and sisters. Right, you you bid, you you bit and complain, you bicker, you fight, But nah,

I don't know body Bob cross I could. I could beat up Toy, but nobody else could beat up Toys and Tory is one of those teammates that I was fortunate enough to play football with him, fortunate enough a little bit, but I gained a lifetime friend and a brother in arms, and a brother I can call on for advice, good advice and even bad advice to go. You know what, I know Tory gonna give me the real I know Tori is gonna shoot me straight. And

that's gotta think about it. In the pandemic and in life. Man, those are rare people like torys a unicorn. He's not one of those that you see all the time. And I experienced that, and I would have never experienced it without taking that leap and going out and say, you know what, I'm gonna go to Baltimore and and and I got opportunity to learn who who James Tory Smith was in which there are many days that we talked in the meeting room, a little bit about ball and

a lot about life. M hmm. And from him he said he needed it. But that's how relationships. Yeah, And when we talk about a brotherhood, like, we have too many one side of relationships out here, right, and you have to have somebody that can point to you that you can receive from them and vice versa. And for me, you gotta think I was in year four. I'm going into my contract year. You know, I'm stressing out over

that I'm having family issues like no other. And I was able to talk to Steve about these things and to him to have somebody that one just listened, but also a person with a perspective, they understand where I'm coming from, Like that meant the world. You know, I was newly married. I don't even been married like a

year or's two before Steve got there. And to be able to talk about different challenges there, like there were real life things that I don't have a lot of men that I call on or or feel comfortable calling on for certain issues. So to have someone that came into the room, like you know, I believe in God and I believe, I swear like everything happened for a reason for Steve Smith to be there, you know, the same Steve Smith that Carolina might have felt like was

an issue. It was a blessing to me in Baltimore and that locker room. I gotta give you kudos and also act like nobody's in the room and me not get emotional is because of you pushing me and challenging me. I would not have been an NFL analysts because I was when I looked at film, when I looked at a guy, I was like, he can player, he knp And so we had Week four against Carolina and and and Bobby Ingram, who's a good friend of mine, a good friend of Tory, who I played against in Seattle

as well. Um, he goes up, all right, Steve, you gotta leave. You know this team like the back of your hand. And before I opened my mouth, Tory goes, Steve, H, don't give us everybody's a bump? Can you finally give us a real rundown of this team? And I kind of, you know, I wrote my eyes, kind of like like a kid. I wrote my now that I think about,

I wrote it like of my kids. And I and I said, all right, and I broke down the team from the starters all the way to the guys that potentially would play, and I broke them down with their strengths and weaknesses. Are But I would have never I would say this at times in football because I knew the game so well, and I loved the game, and I had a passion for I was lazy in my descriptions of people, and so Tor was like, bro, stop being lazy. Everybody can't be a bummed this dude and

this dude this in the league for a reason. Can you please tell me why is he good? What do you see? Because we were being film and Tory coming there like, bro, what are you looking at I'm like, I want to see this, this, this, I'm looking at this. He was like, why don't you explain that to us? I was lazy? He can't play. Because of that, Tory showed me what was inside of me that I didn't really realize that I could do this for a liver.

But it was Tory who pushed me, the guy one in this fourth fifth year that pushed me this old head, he stop being lazy. And because of that tour, you build something in me that gave me the confidence to know, hey, you know, don't let me display that Steven that I've harbored in and kind of guarded myself against. Like you had so much knowledge, like Steve Smith's knowledge of the game. Let's not even talk about analysts. Suff there are things that he's seen during the game that would mean the

world to younger guys. So I would like kind of be like the little brother that's pestering, like, man, I want more, you know, like I know, like I know you know because you've seen it, right, Like they're like, so when we talk about film study and everyone talks about like, oh, everyone's great guys like Steve, guys like guys who played they could go out on that field any Sunday not even know who they're playing and go

out there and perform and perform. Well, why because there isn't anything new that they're gonna see that they haven't seen. And to be able to communicate that when you know individuals and you're breaking her down the way I may break down an individual it's different than him, and we might break it down together. Was different for Jakobe Jones or Bobby Ingram. So for us in that room, like and I was the baby, you know out of those guys, like it was always great conversation. But Steve, you knew,

he knew so much. And I'm not saying like he didn't do it before. You know, he had a short way of communicating. But the initial sentence was going to be everyone was a bump and they Okay, now do we get that out of the way. Steve. How would you know? But he was. He was awesome with that as a player. And the next thing, you know, I will never forget the Carolina breakdown because one, it was personal, right,

we knew how much it meant to him. But to study a guy, a younger Josh Norman, who is you know, coming off of his first big year um and seeing the things that the weaknesses that he knew from going against him every day in practice, you know, So it was a great experience to be able to listen and to see it, and honestly to see him dominate that day too. It's gonna be hard to top a lot of the stuff you've already given us, whether it be talking about your upbringing or talking about mental health in

the black community. But we're about to go into a part of our podcast we like to call the deep three. And so we know that a three route isn't deep. So you're gonna let us be great anyway. So we know that, but uh, these next three, these next three questions just allow us to take a deeper dive into you, you know, as a person beyond your profession. So Smitty, go ahead and lead us into deep three. You celebrated an anniversary with your wife. What is being a father

and a husband meaning you today means everything? You know, we just celebrated year seven and the responsive ability that comes with that, Like every time I look at my wife, every time I look at my kids, I look at the individuals that I prayed for and that I made

decisions for without even knowing they existed. And to add the responsibility to provide for them, to be challenged by my wife, to be a better communicator, to not let my past um impact the way that I am with my kids, and to be able to see them through and lead them. Um especial, you know, and she's special and the way she helps challenge me. So I'm for sure thankful for it. And that's the biggest responsibility that

I'll ever have on this on this earth. And I don't take it for granted, and I don't take the responsibility lightly, you know. It's I'm fortunate that, you know, I was able to play as long as I did, and I'm looking forward to, you know, being more present now with my kids, and I'm trying to be a better father and a better husband myself. That's where you talked a lot about your childhood what you saw, what you what your experience looking back on it. Now, what

does forgiveness mean to you as an adult? M M, you're really good right there. But but but me in counseling right now now, forgiveness is huge. Man. Do you know for me how hard it was? Forgiveness is everything. But forgiveness isn't easy. I will say that, um, But when you do it, it's very free, like you feel like you have a weight lifted off, like it's not yours to carry. Um. But I've been able to forgive

my mother's ex husband. Forgive doesn't mean that we're buddies or that we're gonna be hanging out, nothing like that. That might work for some people, but that's not working with me in this situation. Um. But I forget. I forgive him, um. And you know, but we're all sinners, just him, um, and I'm no better. So I forgive him. Man,

I can move on. I don't carry that same type of hatred that I used to have, that same type of hatred that would cause me to be up at night or the being a rage every time I even think of his hear his name or pictures face, you know, Like I don't have that anymore. UM, I think of forgetting this for my mother as well. Mhm. I used to judge my mother and and for the situations that she put me through, or my brothers and my siblings through. Um,

I carried a lot of weight. You know, I've always loved my mother through that, But I carried I was, I had carried a lot of weight and and honestly, I would say hatred towards a lot of things towards her in a lot of ways, UM, that I no longer have because my perspective is different. I've forgiven her, and I understand, you know when I think about now again, I'm not taking away from the fact of these were

her decisions and she made them. But I just take a look back at where I was at twenty five and where she was at, and if I was in this situation, what I've been or done any better? And when you think about it, it's, you know, it's it's a tough situation, UM, And your perspective is different. Right,

I was twenty five years old, Stephen. I think I was just around you, Right, I was around that age, and you know, my mother had multiple kids and still trying to survive literally survived her abusive relationship, so um man, it was a different thing. But I've been able to forgive her, and now I don't. I don't. I don't

bring that up, you know. I try not to talk about the past towards her, because you can't truly forgive someone to interact with them if you're gonna throw it in their face every single time, you know, you get into an argument or you bring back these old feelings. They may never go away. But I forgiven her, so I know not to bring it up, you know, And

and that's huge for me. Show the last question to end it all, if you if older Tory had the opportunity to go back in time and write a letter to young Tory, whoop to say, um, don't let your circumstances of situations make your heart cold. I feel like everything I'm telling y'all, I missed out. Not even that I missed out. I've carried a lot of weight. Um. I built up these walls to protect me from so many things, and it's even blocked me from the ability

to love the right way. Like I'm I'm I'm a thirty one year old man, and I'm I have to learn how to love like that's the weirdest thing to say, um, because love to me, like I said that people around me and this is loved and and you're saying you love me like this doesn't add up, you know, like these decisions, the situations you put me in, this isn't

love right. And so for me that process is with my my wife, UM being I was, I'm super awkward, Like I didn't tell people, um, I love them like I made sure because of what I saw and what people said, I love you and I love you carried no weight. I needed to know that your action showed it.

So I went until I was probably about years old before I've been told my people around me and started telling them that I love them because I it didn't make any sense as the accidn't show and I always and everyone's like, you know, you just know how Tor is. You know how tor is, Like he's gonna show you,

He's not gonna say it right. And I just kind of started listening to that a little bit and think like, well, if I'm gonna complain about how it was for me coming up, I'm no better in the way that I'm handling these things. And it made me cold in a lot of ways. I'm used to disappointment, um from other people.

I'm used to being disappointed from other people's actions. I'm used to uh failure, and so all of these things kind of built this cold heart that Honestly, my wife has probably felt the biggest blow from that and and her journey with me and helping me to be better. So, UM, I would say that just open up more and not take as long, because I think I would be a lot more. I think my heart is pure in terms

of like my intentions and my love is. I feel like it's it's being the goal and the objective and what I want and what I projected is pure and real. But um, I know my cold heart and feelings have hurt some people along the way. Tour. Yep, love you, Bro, Love you too, Man, love you to love you too. Bro.

Appreciate you, Man, appreciate appreciate me. If you find yourself in that place where you need help and you know you don't know where to term for general information, we have a number for you on mental health and treatment services in your local area. One eight seven seven seven to six four seven to seven again one eight seven seven seven to six four seven to seven. It's not about the stigma of mental health, is about getting better within your mental health. Suck it up is not the

answer to fix everything. Sometimes you have to seek help and seek outside outsider's perspective to get a healthy perspective of what you consider normal. And you know, moving twenty plus times is not normal. Watching your mom shoot her husband is not normal. So that's what I really loved about Tory expressing and sharing and and given that opportunity to say, hey, mental health is something serious and we all go through it, but how we handle it and

how we seek help is more important. You wrote an article for NFL dot com two years ago and really detailing your own journey and about with depression anxiety, and I just can remember the outpourn of love from people saying that how you inspired them and how you impacted them, and even me being one of them, right, just even

having my own about with depression and mental health. And it's it's refreshing to hear athletes, but just people in general starting to be outspoken about mental health because it runs so rampant. It is, it is very much it. It doesn't care socio economically doesn't care, black or white, but it is stigmatized, right. It happens to be stigmatize

in our black community. But I think the more that we can have these conversations around being transparent, being open, sharing our own experiences is the way that we can kind of pull ourselves out of it and and normalize going to get help, going to get therapy, going to get counseling, and just becoming whole, speaking up and not holding it in. It's the first step, and if you

can do that, you can take the next step. Cut to It with Steve Smith Singer That Is Me is a production of Cut to It, LLC Ball Told Creative Media, The Black Effect, and I Heart Radio. For more podcast from my Heart Radio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. From Cut to It. Executive producer Steve Smith, Singer, co host Gerard little John, talent in booking man manager Joe Fusci,

social media manager Peyton Smith from balto Creative Media. Cut Too It is produced by Brian Balka Chevic and Meredith Carter, with the production assistance by Alex Lebrek, Production manager Sarah Pollock. Theme music by Alex Johnson, Lyrics and vocals by Anthony Hamilton. You ain't heard about it, then we're about to let you know. It's all